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Full text of "Punch"

of tfje 

pmtersiig 

by 

The Estate of the late 
James Nicholson 











* 










LONDON : 
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, 

AND SOLD BY Alt, BOOKSWLLKBS. 

1861. 



; 








p-p 

101 
PX 

in i 









' -i'OX 
BBADBL'KY AKI> BVA1 WlIJTEfRIAKS. 




" /"I HACKING our walnuts and sipping our claret," as the present Leader of HER MAJESTY'S Opposition ia said to 
v^ have begun the first leading article in the first number of the " Representative " newspaper (only for " cracking " 
and " walnuts," read "smashing" and "strawberries"), "We, PUNCH the First and Last, were pondering over our own 
virtues, and many other less palpable things, when TOBY, frightened for the only time in boa life, dashed frantically into 
the presence-chamber, and got under a chair. 

" Why this excitement, dog of our soul ? " demanded MB. PUNCH. 

TOBY signified in canine Latin, a trifle purer than that which it is thought certain hierarcha of the SIIAFTESBUKX 
creation would indite, if hurried, that a dreadful deputation was coming up. 

"Quid immerentes hospites vexas, canis?" said his master. "Thou hast seen Deputations before wild Sab- 
batarians, loud Irishry, maddened Spanish bond-holders, frantic Bank-victims, rabid Chartists what is this strange Terror 
that has come upon thcc ? Speak, dog ! " 

" Gorillas, gorilla, gorillum," stammered TOBY, in the excess of his fright. 

And truly, as the animal spoke, the door opened widely, and a group of Gorillas entered. Entered noisily, and 
with some of the effrontery which belongs to the sinuous race both in Europe and Africa. But not more speedily was the 
clownish CYMON awed, first, into reverence, and, next, into qualifying himself for Competitive Examination, by the sight of 
the young beauty of ITHIGENIA, than were these African travellers astounded, and educated into the proprieties, by The 
Presence. Foremost came their chief 

" The Fool of Nature stood with stupid eyes, 
And gaping mouth that testified surprise, 
Long mute he stood, then, turning to his staff, 
H in wonder witnessed with an idiot laugh. 
Then would have spoke, but by his glimmering sense 
First found his want of words, and feared offence." 

The Great Teacher permitted the lesson to saturate the whole being of his guests, and gazed benignly while they toned 
themselves down to a becoming modesty and stillness. Then, taking pity on their dumb, inarticulate helplessness, and 
remembering that, like. the. wise QUEEN ELIZABETH, he knew the language of every Ambassador that approached the 
throne, he said, affably, 

" Sob okotUery hairyopaffiu snick Itungjungle hippocampo mi chowder yum lenjamin ? " 

Tears came into the eyes of the poor Gorillas as they heard their native tongue, spoken witli sweetness and purity. 

" Slablrito gastly neluchiiihiczztir " began tho spokesman, but his feelings overpowered him, and he broke down 
under the weight of emotion. 

" Take your time," said ME. PUNCH, still speaking in the Gorilla tongue. He, however, translates the rest of the 
dialogue, for all his readers are not Gorillas. 

" 0, MB. PUNCH," said the Gorilla Ambassador, "I come from Africa." 



IV 



PREFACE. [JUNE 29, 1861. 



" I have heard of tbat place," said the Great Geographer, proudly. " It is one of the five quarters of the world." 

"Tour information is unexceptionable, Sir," replied the Gorilla, rapidly civilising into polysyllables. "May I 
venture to hope that one who has bestowed so much study upon our poor country, will deign to add to our weight of 
gratitude, and grant the boon which I am come to implore ? " 

" Name it ; and in the meantime don't scratch the carpet," replied the Lord of a Million Monkeys. 

" Sir," said the Gorilla, and a unanimous and confirmatory howl (echoed by a protestent growl from under the 
throne) proceeded from his suite, " we are a great nation, we Gorillas, and we are not understood by travellers." 

" I have heard that self-assertion from one or two other nationalities," said MB. PUNCH, smiling. 

" It is true, Sir, nevertheless. We are misrepresented." 

" Ah ! and we, too, have a House of Commons," sighed MB. PUNCH. 

" Travellers, Sir, do not stay long enough with us to comprehend us." 

" You are said to detain them with some little impetuosity," replied MB. PUNCH. 

" O, Sir, such may be the practice among our canaille. Do not judge us by our inferior orders. AVould you desire 
that England should be judged by the persons who pay ten shillings to see BLONDIN, or threepence to sec a dog-fight ^ 
No traveller or missionary has yet been admitted to good Gorilla society." 

" Is it so very good ? " demanded MB. PUNCH. 

" Sir, I may say with pride that it is. We are very desirous to imitate our non-hirsute fellow-creatures. We have 
instituted exclusive castes, and no blue-tailed Gorilla grins to a low-born monkey with a brown tail. No lady < iiu'ilia <-v< 
nurses her young monkeys. A Gorilla who has lost his store of cocoa-nuts is at once bitten to death. W" 
certain trees which are. considered fashionable, and any Gorilla who does not live in them is regarded as a suol>-.'iouki>\ .' 
The larger the hoard of nuts which a Gorilla can steal, the more he is honoured; but we have also much jvgpoct ,' the" 
monkey who has torn many other monkeys to pieces in fighting; and a Gorilla of either class may take as mate the 
prettied young lady monkey he can find. When two of us ouarrel they are set to fight, and the backers share with the 
umpire the nuts of the combatants. We never trouble on, elves about the low-class monkeys, unless they grow too 
troublesome, and then we strangle them, to encourage the others. You see, Sir, that we are trying to do our best for 
ourselves, and that we are not what has been supposed." 

" I am sorry to hear it," said MB. PUNCH, sternly. " I had thought better of you, from the statements of my 
friend PATJL DU CHAILLU. What do you want from me ? " 

" We wish to be Kecognised, Sir, at your Court. We wish you to send au Ambassador to us if I dared to 
designate the honourable TOBY " 

But a storm of growls from under the chair indicated the unwillingness of the proposed representative to accept office. 

" And we desire to place a Gorilla in London, as our Envoy and Minister Plenipotentiary. He will be solitary, 

" Not so solitary as you imagine," replied MB. PUNCH. " Listen to me, ambitious but imperfect gentlemen. Can 
you read ? " 

" Certainly, Sir," exclaimed all the Gorillas. 

" Then take this Book. Go home to your forests, read, study, learn its lessons. It is the physic which I admii 
to the British variety of Gorilla, and it may be equally beneficial to you. Come back six months hence, and let me see how 
the medicine has worked. Begone, but take with you my 



Jfmietjr 







II 

IfT. 
10 W 

It I ' 

; , n. M r . 

14 8 I'll* > 




PlllPllill 



ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION. 
from Punk'* Almanack for 1897. 

i'ttmurg. 

THIS planet was not visited by man until 
the ywar 1882. when MR. ASTKR AIRV, son 
of th- Tcnerah!c Professor, succeeded in 
reaching it by beini? shot thither in a 
wadded shell discharged from an Arm- 
strong gun fitted into Lorn* KOSSE'S tele- 
scope. It wa* expeoUd that Mercury would 
be exceedingly hot from its proximity to 
the sun, but MR. AIRY found that the rays 
of that luminary paw over it, and the 
planet is a lump <>f green ice, intersected 
with rivers of quicksilver. The only inha- 
bitants are owls, who arc very civil to 
ri-itor. and who speak a language resem- 
bling Welsh. They expressed a great de- 
sire to hive a bishop sent to them, and 
Uy> some fat mice, and professed readiness 
to pay allegiance to the Star of Brunswick. 
The owls seemed very happy, and had 
never heard of MR. TIPPER. 



RURAL RHYMES. 
TM January, if be 'tis cold, 
I sheds my kine and pen* my ship in fold. 
<)' coorse there hain't no dooun nothun now, 
Not if there's irost, to spake of, wi' the 

plough. 

But ft the shinun hour I 'm an improver, 
And spreads ihe grass lands wauver wi' 

mino?uvre, 

Or round about the ftnck I casts my eye, 
And zees the pigs be happy in their sty. 



HINTS ON HOUSEKEEPING. 
THBRE 's a use for everything; 

Never throw a thing away. 
Fa*<- your corks and bits of string, 

They will all come in some day. 
Keep half-shieiF <>t letters fair 

For your answers ; into spills 
Cut the others ; never tear 

Up, or burn, but file your bills. 



MAKING LIGHT OF IT. That inveterate 
punster, JONKS, hearing that his friend 
HARLUT bad suddenly had his gas cut off, 
exclaimed, "Ah yes, I suppose they did it 
by a coup dt Main." 

SPORT IN SEASON. On Valentine's Day, 
birds may pir, but men go popping on the 
flrrt n* Mt-p*m>bM*. 




ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION. 
From Punch's Almanack for 1911. 

Uenus. 

THE planet Venus is composed rif ivo 1 
of the flneft quality. U was fir-t visited 1 
SIR BUFFALO MUMPF., the celebrated astr 
notner, in 1900, when he siiccfc-drd 
landing his aoru. chip on Cnpc Cupid, U 
southernmost point. It is inhabited by 
race of Lilliputians, who wor>hip a gre 
blue monkey, and never spejik at all. T 
climate is delightful, and amethysts, pa 
nets, and rubies grow out of th" soil 
the sh:ipc o' flowers. The people have I 
literature, but a>e very fond of oysters, ai 
once a-ycr they stand on their heads 1 
forty-eight hours together in honour 
Qua'dratic Equations. They take no noti 
of strangers, unless when trodden upon 
tlic hitter, when they emit jqucals of 
(H-sonant character, and scratch, but a 
vt-ry forgiving. They dip their baliira, 
two" years old, into bees-wax to give the 
n ear for music. 



RURAL RHYMES. 
IF dry, I sows my wutts ; and if it rains, 
Why then I takes and sows my pays a) 

banes. 

I never wun't keep nare a hog no more 
To veed un up to wauver keen t-core : 
'Cause why, you only loads his ribs wi* I 
Ai no one ates and wot 's the good o' thaBl 



THE GREAT WHISKER-CUTTING MOVEMENT. 
Unhappy Suo. *' BY JOVE ! YOU KNOW, AS IF AI.DKRSHOTT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH OF ITSELF, 

WITHOUT DEPRIVING US OP THE ONLY AMUSEMENT WE HAD!" 



A CHINESE LOVE SONG. 

CHINU Ji rinjree bringee toa and coffee, I 

Smuttee nuttee hotel chew, 
Bravee shavec wavee pigtail offee, 

Takee mukec love-knot true. 
Little feet and long nails nicy spicy, 

Pretty puggy nose and slant eye, 
Cooey, wooey. say yeb ! spousey house tel 

Crinkum crankum cradle soon buy ! W. 

HOW TO GET A GOOD FRAME GHRAPJ 
LIVE temperately, be abstemious, cultf- 
vale early hour?, rise with the lark imtclt 
< f going 10 bed after one, take plenty 
exercise, don't be afraid of lots ut cold 
water, make a practice ot always briifc 
cheerful, avoid debt, draughts, bad cod 
pany, bills, and wet teet, and you w ii*. -"<m 
get a good Frame cheap, and it shall be 
Frame, moreover, worth more than it* 
weight in gold, such as shall enclose 
very picture of health. 



he 




VOLUNTEER MOVEMENT. 

THAT DisrreocisnED RIFLE-SHOT, "1MB. PtitcH, HATING POSE HIS DUTY LIKE A MAN, THROWS HIMSELF CXDXR THE MISLETOE AND RECEIVES HIS Jvsr REWARD. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1861. 










MR. BRIGGS, KKEI.IN-i) THAT HIS HEART 18 IN THE HIGHLANDS A-CHA3INO THI DCEK, STARTS FOB TH* NOBTH. 



ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION. 
from PuMh't Almanack far 1870. 

$L\)t Csrtfj. 

LESS was known of this planet than of 
anv other until it was examined by the 
philosopher DAKWIS, a few ycara ago. 
lie reports tliat the inhabitants urc nothing 
at all and never were anything, and will 
be the same lor about two billions of year-, 
when they will all turn into duek wilt 
long green tails, having eyes at the end 
thereof. They will then commence * strug- 
gle for lite, in the course of whieh their 
tails w ill come off, "" ll "'y wi " llave lw " 
wotxl'-n l<-gs between three of them, and 
all will talk oolitic senile pachyclrr: 
Scmiiic. He do s not KpeaK witli pencil 
ceriainty as to the next change, but believes 
t>'ai ilicy will probably b. come lobsters, 
unless tiieir elei'ti-.cily he too great, in 
winch case the planet "ill be inhabited by 
pterodactyls and mcgalosriondec*, until it 

bursts. _____ 

RURAL RHYMES. 
Tor. wind now whistles saysi'liable air-, 
Which beun zo, 1 takes an 1 /uwa my tarn; 
Ami whilst 1 top and listen" to the \fu-~l, 
Thinks I, Wot's Lil.-.exceptacloudo'dllst . 

"BllICKS AND BEANS." 

THESH term" are very respectable slang. 
They are of niavinic origin Both " Hi kk 
ml " IVan" M_-m:y a good fellow. A line 
i the inilividii-il HHiatltniBt of a Lodge, 
which coii>iits of lineks cemented together 
by the mortar of good MlOWtUp. PVTIIA- 
o'.ia^ the Koyal Arch Mm m. forbade hU 
folio --era to cat lle.nis. Tnl prohlbllioll 
meant lliat masons were not, by uiuy 
and eitortiou, to d vour one ano'.her. 
Bean, a philanlhropUt ; beany (el.ow; 
one who u a bene-factor to his species. 

THE BULL IN THE CHINA-SHOP. 
Pooa SAN-KO- UN-SIX may fi^ht shy 

When in JOHN HI-I.L hu catches a Tartar, 
For China, we a.l know, will rty, 

If it suddenly gets in hot water. 



CAVTION TO ELDERLY FEMALES. Build, 
inpi are protected from the eltects of light- 
ning hy means of conductor*, which are 
long iron rods or wires. The safest place 
for you in a thunderstorm is that omnibus 




USEFUL, FAMILY RECIPU8 (FOB 
WIVRS). 

Hmey Soap. Take of atrilet. aoft a- 
wen. tolerance, temper, and tact, equal 
part*. Mix well, and place read; for UM 
to your husband's hand. The abore will 
be found an invaluable recipe for remov- 
ing all roughness and iirltation for Riving 
smoothnese and softness and for obviating 
all the unpleasant effects of domestic fric- 
tion. 

An Excellent Rtmtdv for Chojti aiul 
CkilU. Patience, ylaciditv, and pl**uM 
look*. 

To Rtndtr Ttmptrl JneomtnatiUe Steep 
them in conmioii-M n-c, tell- re-pcct, and 
consideration for others. 

Tht But Wia\ for the fan. Milk ol 
human kicdncas. 

A SONG FOR COCtNKY 8PO11T8MEN. 
THE hart V In the Highland*, 

Of that there's no tear, 
And 'tis there you may buy lands 

For sulking the deer : 
But the bills are no trifle, 

And they 're windy and cold. 
So your with you 'd beat stifle, 

Or buy, and be sold 1 



FRENCH AND ENGLISH COOKERY. 

TUK bippopbagists of France dress horse 

; for dinner. Here we only onrry the bonu', 

| but do not eat him nor, at least, Ih.l we 

know ; for some of v.s sometimes dine at an 

eating-house, sntl then ]tar'ake of hat the 

billot fare c iil- h:.*,i' '! ven;suu. \Ve have 

no objection to a sadi.le of mutton, but as 

to horse, extreme huneer alone would mduie. 

an Englishman to touch the least bit. 



GHOSTS WE NEVER WISH TO SEE. 
TUK Ghost of all our go. d intent:' ni. 
And still le^s, should we like to see 
y of our lives, the Ghost of a Irg 
of niultua. 

The ouly Ghost we do care about tee- 
ing is the Ghoi-t ia Uichurdsou's Allow. 



BFFORE OOINO OFT, MR BRIQGS AND ms Fui-xi-^ HAVE A Qiitr I'HAT ABU-T Dn- 
STAI.KINO UKSKIIALLV HB LISTENS WITH MIX-H INI'MKI^T TO SOMI: I'I.'ASIM* \- 
ABOUT THE LETTUK INGIDENTS rhEQfESTLY MET WITH si < ;i vs HU.LS (;'INU THH -t'^n i AIS 
Toai BEINO SHOT Orl UCCAIUXAU.Y BEISO QJRID nr TKC ANILUU or INFUIUATK 
STAC^. &c.. Ac . 4c. 



Scptssmiox 'Phat far 
than seeing matfpit-s or walling under lad- 
ders is it to be caught drinking a glass 
of beer at dinner, or to cull for cabba.e 
by any other than its genteel synonym of 
-irretin." 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1861. 



ASTRONOMICAL INFORMA- 
TION. 

From, funch't Minanaclcfor 1945. 

ffilUS. 

MARS was first reached by the 
KARL or MARCH and his *tel!ar 
explorative expedition in 1016, and 
a verv noble colony was added to 
the British Monarchical Republic. 
The pl.snet i* inhabited by a tine 
race of An'hropoplmtri, most of 
th.m tleren tect hiirh, ami ex- 
tremely affable. The Karl, *>n 
landing, presented th m with a few 
Irish, whi h he hail taken for the 
pur;> >>e. and which were at once 
cat* 1 !!, and the Marsitea fired ott 
sixteen hundred wind-bag* which 
th y use us hell-*, in himournf ilieir 
visitors. The planet is at first 
awkward for stronger*, owing t<> 
the ftti'und beintr cuinp >scd <! r. .1- 
h'ir iron, but with eeUmadraUon 
and eUnrs this is KOI over, and the 
boiling springs furnish un agree- 
able drink Th" people have no 
particular religion, f-xee pt that on 
tin- First cf M.uch \}\ \ l>< :it th' ir 
wiv( s F-eviTeU , ud their industry 
i- imUed to nm-ing and ecruTching 
their bends. They hiive no govern- 
ment, and get oil very well with- 
out one. 

HOMOEOPATHY. Like cures like. 
One irri alien relieves another. 
Th tt is the re^on why, from a 
natural rurative instinct, people 
scratch themselves when they itch. 
For this purpo-e, however, they 
do not u*e a millionth part of the 
tip of the finger-nail. 

THK BOMB FARM. The sun- 
B hine of a .-mil'iii: face will gild 
everything even cold mutton. 




RURAL RHYMES. 
ABTKK March winds, too hear 

April show-era 
Brings forth in May more zlug 

and znailft than vlowera. 
It never rains, they say, but wha 

it pours. 
What then? A farmer mustn' 

bide in doors. 
Refresh un miseturc meaks th 

mad- s bloom gay ; 
But wot I looks to is the crop c 



RECIPE FOR A PLEASANT 

DINNER-PARTY. 
A ROUND table, holding cinht ; 
A hearty welcome and little state 
One dial) set on a time, 
As plain as you please, but 

prime ; 

Beer for asking for and in pewter; 
Servants who don't require a tutor; 
Talking: guests and diimb-u'tuten j 
Warm plates and hut puiuUrs. 



mndi 



IMMENSE TREAT FOR THE PARTY CONCERNED. 
Master Joel: '-Now GRANNY, YOU MAY CUME AND HAVE SOME JUMPS OVER OUR DAISY 



CHAIN.** 



QUEER QUERIES. 

Is it not affectation in husban_ 
of short stature to say th.u thej 
were married in the Ttuiplu ol 
Ily-men ? 

"What relation to our whitebait u 
the W( noire of the FTC nch .' 

Did you ever see a lame do 
helped over a dile? 

What are the odd? that tl 
owner of a milk walk wax a Kurd 

Was he a gnat Walker that h 
earned the name of the Colossus ( 
Roads ? 

What proof is there extant thi 
KINO JAMES THK FIUST wrol 
Junit'i, and that the phrase "_! 
cool aa a cucumber " was applie 
first to a S ,i.d .' 



NOTES ON NURSING. 

BY A CLOWN. 

Tosi the baby to Pantaloon, crying "Catchee, cfttchee!" 
Snatch it away from him and hit him with it over the Hhin**, 
knocking him down. Squat upon the ground with the baby 
in your lap, and herin feeding it out of a large pan with a 
great dripping-ladle. Ram the ladle into the mouth of the 



baby, and scrape the lips with the eclfre of it, thrn lick them 
clean. Now wash the baby by putting it in a tub, pouring hot 
water on it from the kettle, and swabbing it face with a mop. 
Cornh its hair with a rake; then put the baby into a mangle 
and roll it out fl.it. Set the baby in its cradle, and trf-ad it 
well down. Make the baby cry ; then take it out of bed to 
quiet ii, and give it Pantaloon to hold whilst you administer 
poppy-syrup. Smear the syrup over its face. Take it away 



aiiain, catch hold ol its ancles, and swinging it round you! 
head by the leits, thrash Pantaloon off the stage with the baby 
and throw it after him. 

HINT ON CONVERSATION. Avoid commercial slang. " Hofl 
will YOU have it?" said a Bunker's cafhier to a gent who prft 
rented a cheque for a 100. "Short," was the answer. 
The cashier present d the gent with six penn'orth of half-i>ence, 




GOING TO OOVER. 

(vho hat given TomkiM, fnm Town, a Mount). "You NEEDN'T IE THE LEAST AFRAID. IT'S OKLT HIS FLAT. H i.i. BE ALL RIOBT AFTER HE HA? BEEN OVER A FBW FEXOK; 



ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION. 
From PvncKt Mmmfckfar 196S. 



Tn* highest expectations were formed of thU planet, and 
when it was announced by ihe Milky Way Bxprm, in August, 
1914, that It had bren reachrd by Sia ACSTKM I.AVAXH, eicite- 
ment knew no bound*. and a Jupiter Land Compan* wa 
instantly K"t up. Unfortunately all these MX* were bllfhted. 
The planet turns out n> ! a vtiirr- VI.IPV pi. I 



blancmange. The flrat man who jumped aahore plunged brad 
over earn into the opaque matter, and went through, as it it 
conjectured, into infinite space, as ha baa never since been 
heard of. Various efforts were made to find a footing, but in 
Tain, and after several ship* bad been swallowed up, Parlia- 
ment interfered, AumuAi. BKOOKS wa ordered to blow out the 
tour II;I.MI-, which he did In the moat irallant manner, and 
notice wan given that Jupiter was to be ignored for the future. 
A plan for crystallising the planet by galraniim has lately been 



NEGATIVE ADVICE. 

Nino "for form's sake" writ* your name aeroea a hill 
unlene you are prepared to meet the certain oonaequencea. 

Nerer pipeel to touch a street musician by your awry el 
there being kicknesa in your house, except you emphasiM It 
pointedly with a hearty kick. 

Vvrr flirt with a young widow who calls you by your 
Christian name the second time you met t her, unlesa you have 
r mind up to the worst. 



ll! 



WAITING BY HIMSELF so inxa, TUF. 
IIE FALLS ABLKKP, AVP WHILE HE 




THK BEER ARE DRIVES VOR MR. BRIGGS. Hi HAS AS EJCCBJLLIXT PLACE, BOT WHAT WITH 1 

Ml l:'M II 01 HIE M'lU-.AM, TUB BEAV1Y OT Till ScENK, AND TIIB NoVKLTT Or THE SlTl.'ATKIX, 

TAKU BIS FORTY WINKS, THE DEER PASS I 



B- 
P 



THE INCONVENIENCES OF A HANSOM. 

1. IN getting in, you knock your hat in. 

2. In getting out, you knock your hat off. 

3. In gel tin.)? in or out, the rubs are about TOO to 1 in favour 
of your cout-iuil taking a pr^of impression of Ihe w lit el. 

4. If two of you (fet in, the vehicle is sj small that you have 
to i>it ultnnKi in ench other's lap. 

5. That if you w.nh to peak to the driver, you have to throw 
your he;iil back, and nearly dislocate your neck, hcftin-you r;m 
oominumcite with him through that miserable little trap-door 
in the roof. 

6 '1'h.Ht if you direct thecahmnn tolmrar the ulasw-blind, it 
advisable to hold youitelt far back, for fear the descending 

portcullis should full on the bridge of your nose and do it 

eerious damage. 



7. That it in also expedient to take the Bam* precaution 
when tlif blind is being pulled up, or else you will infallibly 
receive such a Map in ilie face, as m vindictive woman, in her 
anirrien mood, could p R-ibly infl ct. 

8. That when the window ii down, though it may be some 
oliacbt pruiectiuu against ruin, it is none whatever against auf* 
focatinn. 

9. should the Hantnmbe spinning along at any'hing like 
its ordinary ipeed, you are inzi-d with a panic at the Bight of 
every ol<l woman or child who it croAfting the road, that you 
arc inevitably going to run over them. 

10. That if you pay your right fare, the Hangora-drirer 
look* upon biinnclf ax* permit-ally insulted because you have not 
paid him h*lf aa much again it being a standing rule with 
these upjjer leu Thousand of the cabstand, that if anyone is 



allowed to net into a Hanwim cab, he should look upon it, not 

09 a right, but rather aa a favour. 

There art various other inconvtnienct* to be found imi<le a 
Jlantom cab t but they VfUl ktrp till next tear' I Alma- 
nack ; if not, M vili print tlum yratuttoutiy in a 



FAVOrKITE PivOFESSIONAL DISHK-'. 
THK Minister's Dih ..... Cabinet Puddiny. 
Hit- I'lHtnmnV DUh, . . . Trotter*. 

. irticr'* In-h . . . Mnrrowiwne*. 

The Diplomatidt't Dish .... Trifle. 

RECMIJLTIOM IK NACLBAL IluToav. A game healaysrggs 
on the Derby. 



ASTRONOMICAL 

INFORMATION. 

.From Punch's Almanack 

for 19!-0. 

Saturn. 

THIS planet affords a 
proof of the folly of ambi- 
tion. Had i he Siitiniii.iii.- 
been content with thi ir own 
territory, and their magni- 
ficent ring of light (which 
is cii-rd hy tiecomnoaintf 
Btnr-fi-h}, tiiey might sti 1 
have poffes^d both. But 
in an evil hour they sent 
out tin expedition to invade 
the Karth, and convert 
ita inhabitants into Vi ge- 
tariansand Pagans. They 
were met by the Balloon 
Fleet under LORD P. I.EK, 
and entirely routed, and a.l 
the prisoners were instantly 
christeneii, mi'l set down 
to mutton-chops, which j 
proved fatal. Hepri*als were 
effected, SIR JUVKNAJ.MAHU 
landed in Saturn (uimi-elf 
and ull his men holding 
their noes as they broke 
the ring), penetrated to the 
capital, Kronos and tang 
the *' JMarteilltcitt " in the 
teni)>le of Juno, and eat all 
the holy peiicoekv Saturn 
ha* since b< come a depen- 
dency of EiiL'l.md, ana by 
act of Parliament the 
brilliant nuisance, the ring, 
u to be cleared away. 



THE ARITHMETICAL PA- 
BADOX The half i> some- 
times more than th whole. 
That ) the case when the 
half of half-and-halt ia Kn- 
tire, and the other half 
only Swiret*. 




RURAL RHYMES. 

IN June the farmer didn 

ought to sleep ; 
He 'a tfot to shave hU field 

and shear hi- nbn p. 
Search out the weeds 

gtowun in among 
Crrps that be drilled, am 

huck'cin up whilst young 
Warm work it* huyinakun 

but never fear : 
Only thee mind to qucncl 

thy thirst wi' beer. 



THE HOME-FARM. 

DON'T be in a hurry d 
grub up ynur hu-band' 
weeds. It is a danaerou 
experiment, sometimes. 

The worst sign of i 
neglected homi - ;tnn i 
bachelors' hut tons on i 
married man's shirts. 



As THE WIND ia FAVom<ABLK, THE DKER AKE DKIVCN AO 



FACT FOR THR FRRNCH.- 
Our Fellowship Porters ari 
n(it necfpsiiriiy nun whi 
have difttintr uighc d them 
solve- at Oxford and Cam 
bridge. 

NOTE ON TUB OAMI 
LAWS. shooting rubbi-^1 
on annther person's pro 
pertyis trespassing hut no 
poaching. No licence ii 
required for shooting ihi 
moon; but you take i 
liberty in so doing. 

VANITY. What no man 
nor woman either, by ani 
accident ever poiL-espes, bu* 
what is always very largelj 
developed in everybod] 
else. 

THE GIHL OF MY HEART 
Oistcr t'wtty. 



INVALID CHITCHAT.*' Why, SOWKRBT, what's the matter? 
You don't look quite so blue as you did. What have you been 
taking !*' *' Nothing but my meals tor the last fortnight, MR 
UUBMLKDAY." " Ah, I thought you seemed off your physio." 

HINT TO ELECTIONEERING AGENTS. If you want to secure 
a vote by treating an elector, ask him to dinner, and give him 
tanvass-backed duck. 



WHAT IS WOMAN'S MISSION? 
THIS momentous question being asked the other evening, 
POONLKY said: " AB Woman wat the aw infewiaw nmmal. 



GASTRONOMICAI. PARADOX. Buck venison is the best for 
venison -pasty, although the vasty must be made of dough. 



ZOOLOGICAL EMBLEM. The hedgehog is well known to be 





MR. BRIGGS is SUDDENLY FACE TO FACE WITH THE MONARCH OF THE GLEN ! HE 



IS fcO ASTONISHED THAT HE OMITS TO FIDE HIS KlFLK. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1861. 




WHAT'S TO BE DONE IN JULY? 

Fn IT 's TO Be Don* IN JULY ? WHY Ttmr. DOWN TO RICHMOHD WITH MAUUA AND THE OIRU AND oivp. 'EM A LITTLI DINNKH, TO wt rem ! 




FALSE ALARM, SURELY! 

Mia PfisciUa. (with the Dog.) " Yfa, n 'a TUB WO.IST or THESK WATfRmo-PLACEi THKRI ABE so MANV ADVIKIVBKRS ox tux LOOK-OOT FOR WIVES, TBAT osi is 




TO-DAY HB GOES OOT FOR A STALK, AND DONALD snows MR. BR1GGS THE WAY! 



THE POWER OF SOUND. Of all examples of descriptive 
music the most perspicuous is certainly a wedding-pe 1. 
Kell-ringiMg dihtinutiv announces the essential act or th*- mar- 
riage ceremony, which may be said to consist in ringing a 
belle ; unless, i deed, tha bride is a griffin. 

A BAD ATTEMPT BY A BEGINNKB. Q. When is a ship's sail 
most fit to be sold in alineudraper's *\nj\)'.A. When it is torn 
to ribbons. 



SpiKiTiTAL[BM. Surprise hai been expressed at the fact that 
spiritual communication* convey no sort of instructive infor- 
mation. The fact in accounted for by the supposition that 
the mediums are inspired by raw spirits. 

QUESTION ! To any Debating Society that may want a sub- 
ject for discussion, we would recommend the question, as to 
whether a dishonest tailor may be deemed a vegetarian on the 
ground that he lives almost entirely upon cabbage. 



" HAVE A DRAIN ? " A phrase much in use among the lower 
class of Londoners in the sense of an invitation to drink beer. 
Derived from a knowledge of the tact that the liquor where- 
with London porter is brewed is Thames water. 

SENSITIVE. A young gentleman of our acquaintance whose 
gpnius is perhaps exceeded by his gallantry, declares his only 
reason for not living in the country is the fear lest it should 
make him get into rude health. 



ASTRONOMICAL INFORMA- 
TION. 
From Punch's Almanack for 1960. 



THIS locality is hardly entitled 
to the dignity of a planet, since the 
Lunar Cmistic Hail way was laid to 
it from Hanwell, and the .Moon 
was laid out as an Kvening Park 
for the People in.ler the Act 1 Edw. 
VII., 1899. The disco very that our 
forefather* wen right in supposing 
the Moon to be made of preen 
- 11 n s4-\ (-]( '-hock to 
I'.i'tfc. und nut quantities of 
that article im-now inijtortetl from 
tti" Moon to l.on i.n. ><>];:> interest 
wa* excited when the railway was 
ITI;K;C, by the cl.iim of the aged 
AIJIKKMAN MOON to be the sove- 
n-Uii of Lunaim ; but his ridi- 
culous wt-rc finally 
(jti.islied by the appearance of the 
rightful Mun in the Moon, who 
was dug out of a imU- l>y the nav- 
v t *, in.-trucird by BISHOP Si*ut- 
i.i OK, ;iiid appointed curator of 
the dii-trict. Thfl estahlmlu-d n li- 
pion of the country is Leap-frog, 
but Spillikins are tolerated. 



lU'RAL KHY.MKS. 
MOOR drought must be expected 

in July; 
Huppy is he as only drinks when 

dry ! 
And now the eats of earn begins to 

brown. 
An old straa-..at zets lighter nor a 

crown. 
1 envies not the wealthy nor the , 

great, 
When I ' on ?ide rs them there fields 

0' w hate. 




RURAL RAPTURES. 
*Tis sweet at dewy eve to rove 
When softly sighs the wetern 

breeze, 
And wandering 'mid the starlit 

grove 

To take a pinch of snuff and 
sneeze. 

"Tis sweet to see in daisied field 
The flocks and herds their plea- 
sure take ; 

But sweeter are the joys they yield 
In tender chop und juicy steak. 

' I is sweet to hear the murmurous 

sound 
That from the vocal woods doth 

rise, 
To mark the pigeons wheeling 

round, 

And think how nice they'd be in 
pies. 

When nightingales pour from their 
throats 

Their gashing melody, 'tis sweet; 
Yet sweeter 'tis to catch the notes 

That issue irorn Thrcadneedlc 



A TlTLK FOR A NEW SADCK. 

I '11 warm you." 



AKTKR A GOOD DPAL OF CLIMBING. OUB FRIEND GETS TO THE TOP OF BEN-SOMKTHIKC-OR-OTHER. AND THE 

il'GUESTEB LOOHJi OUT TO StE IF THERE ARK ANY L>ER ON THE lill.lS. Vlb! 6EVJOU.L lilNDB, 
AMD PERUAPS THE FINLtfr HART TUAT EVER WAS SEEN. 



VULGAR SUPERSTITIONS. 

THAT if a lady were seen sitting 
in the pit of a theatre, even though 
she bad her husband with her, and 
it were explained that she wished 
to see tlie play, and that the stalls 
were all quite full, Society should 
shrug its shoulders in disgust, and 
si raich her nime forthwith out of 
its good books. 

That a lawyer loses caste by car- 
rying a blue b;ig, but incurs no 
peril to his social reputation by 
carrying a black one. 

That something trrrible will hap 
pen it, no matter with what escort, 
a lady is seen riding in a Hansom 
cab, or walking without gloves. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1861. 



ASTRONOMICAL INFORMA- 

TH >N. 
From funcfi'i Almanack for 2001. 



VKRV little is known of thin 
planer, a fuel not e-edit'thle to an 
age like thU. Bimop LIVIMSSTONK 
tried in 1!)32 to fuund a colony at 
the H- - 'Hit the Hying 

Wonirn who int. M the tvvint carried 
off all the railora and nr-- 
into the interior, married them, 
and kept them in ne-ts on the lops 

tret high. It 

is dirhYuH t > know wh.it to do. 
S ieiKc hu-- no heart, und tm\f, 

" Miivl ihrM' pn-|>os;er n- hinl- ; " 
but they :ire ^<> beautiful, . i 
ti.i.ly but :i blind man would take 
niui ;vt them, and In- WOT 

hit. i ! ..-M l<> MupiSy 

the orrfltuiva with opiates, but. they 

laugh ;it the ti icU, ai d UrnHik o\er 
the yl;i.-srs willi their wing-* I'll- 

til HUM e.iti bf propitiated ihrrt- in 
n - ch Mid- (it i-x;>li>iinif tin- phuiet ; 

hut we think tii, >t Parliament ought 
to tuUt- the niuiter up. 



, HIIYMKS. 
MATUE the harvest beun't alt car- 
ried u-r, 
S:ipp.t- v\r'\e had July and August 

wet. 

\Yhii h s'cps the spoortpmun wi' 

..u' . nd KUII, 
And Kie* tlte birds a vartnight's 

law of un. 
Zoim-tiniet* when I be gwian o' my 

I ire-* chaca tramperaavun out o* 
hounds, 

And then 1 hollers, 'cross the dis- 
tant view, 

"Hullo! (Jet out o' them there 
turmutK, you!" 




ASTRONOMICAL IN FORMA- 



TO GET AT HIM, THEY ABE UBIJUED TO OO A LONG WAY ROUND. BEFORE THEY O1T 
i'ECUUAK TO TOE COUNTRY, OVBRTAKES TME, BO THEY "BHkl.TEB A- 



DOWN, THE SHOWER, 

WEE." 



f row Punch'* Mmanack for 2361. 

()e Sun. 

ALTHOUGH W.V'K Light ha* lonf 
ince rendered ">i luminary obo- 
leir, It i entitle*) to mnk in an 
Agronomical CainloKUr. at there 
can be no doubt that it waa uvlul 
in itn tiuj. and fmm the ardent 
t'-rniA iu which it H spoken of by 
ihe nortn, it mult have bet-n mum 
udmiretl when tcifnce waa in tier 
inf.iiicy. 'Ihr 8un in u phosphoric 
Ixxly, upon hich fhectn of oil are 
cun-'jtiiTlv [touring from the to- 
;;Uv \\. l? [theVUOta^te 
< Ttoiiterp) and the "spoia," 
a* they weiea ur<lly called, were 
.in* dnwn which the ur- 
}.lu* oil M\ into th- ken, and 
make* whalrs. U i- inhabited by 
falaroandera, who have fix leu* 
and p'ofeiw ihcmwlveM ^ 
txirgiann. Like ihe - xinict NiiMtara 
of crc-riulourt d,- 1 .r:..n-, the un 

>ull r- p.iy '! e vinit, and the oil, 
valuable aa a 

d. piUtory, in imported now that 
has iMUifht us the ab- 
-urdity of wearing any kind of 
!i.iir on our frames. 



RURAL RHYMES. 
IN lucky yearn we cuta and lucks 

our c.ti n ; 
Thrasbta out zotnr, and storcn the 

grain in b^ n. 
Zome bar veal wboama bain't wot 

they used to be; 
But 1 wun'l never gie mj cartera 

tea. 
Twoaftt, mun, I wiyi, the Vounder 

ol i he > 
But mind thee doetn't mcak thyxelf 

a beoait. 



SOCIAL STATISTICS. 

AT a Spiritualist Soirle wliich was held in town la?t summer 
as many as *ix professed teetotallers averred that they felt 
umler the influence of spirits. 

Of twelve hundred young gentlemen who last year travelled 
on the Continent, no fewer than a do/.cn did not stize the 
opportunity to try and set tip a moustache. 



On- hundred and eleven roombers of the Peace Society have 
since lust April discontinued d alinp with their patttryo .ok, on 
the ground that they believed he dealt in warlike store*, be- 
c.iu-e of the inscription in hi window, " Balls Suppliea." 

Proofs are extant, in the shape of Hnendraper's bills, that 
fince Michaelmas t n thouar.d Bo-thought sti ong-minded 
women have been weak enough to purchat- thing* they had 



nouae for, simply became that they were ticketed "Gieat 
Bargains." 

Of a hundred single men who last scaaon received cards 
for what the genteel call *' At homes" and the vuhjir "tea- 
flghU," ninety pleaded "sudden illneaa " or " previous n- 
gagement," and of the tan heroes who virtuously went, only 
two h*l courage to paw beyond the rtaireaae. 




WlTfc, EXTRAORDIKAKY FKB8EVKKAXCE THFY COME WITHIN SHOT OF "THE FlVE.sT IliRT." MR. B. IB OUT OF BREATH, AFBAID O* bUPFISC, AND WAKT8 TO BLOW 

uis NOSE (QUITE OUT or TUB QUESTION) OTHKHWIBB UK ut TOLERABLY couT 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1861. 



ASTRONOMICAL INFOR- 

MATION. 
"from, Punch't Almanack for 2310. : 



THI-* planet i a remarkable one. 
It in kimjily u lake <>f water, of the 
mot ci ystnllirte fh:in;ctcr, un<i any 
attempt' to sound it is futile, as the 
lead drop* ritiht through and lulls 
into the Zodiac. The lake it in- 
habited by mermaid* of a very 
fuci i i;iting kind, but there has 
been no succes,-ful attempt made 
to capture them, though the huml- 
somett officers have in the band- 
Bomet-t manner been plae. il, u 
bait, at the cummundof exploring 
expeditions. Mu:r hits been tiicd 
with no better effect, the creature-* 
stopping their ears, and striking 
up tunes of the'r own in the ni :rs-t 
manner. This u all that is known 
of Neptune, except that the wutrr 
iiiixta exceedingly well with any 
npirituouB fluid, and one touch uf 
toddy makes the whole world kin. 



RURAL HHYMKS. 
BLVE smoky heaps about the hills 

avouch 
To fur and near that I be burnun 

COL oh, 
The smell whereof IB pleasun to 

the nose ; 
And Kome prefers tubaccer to a 

ros*. 
Smoke arter work, young man, but 

doan't let none 
Goo up atweeu thy nozzle and the 

zun! 

ST.ANO. " Dnwn with your 
dun" Pay; put down ^ our money. 
The phrase originated with moral 
wiitrrs who are accustomi d to 
describe money at tirosti and dirt, 
and, as thus implying a contempt 
of riches, it U much used by the 
serious. 




POOR LITTLE FELLOW ! 

Emily. " WANT SOMETHING TO AUDBE YOO ! WHY I HAVE GIYI.N YOU BOOK AFTER BOOK, AND LENT YOU 
MY PAINT Box, AND 1 'VE OFFERED TO TEACH YOU YOUR NOTES ! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT ?" 

Auguttu*. "On. AH! I DON'T CALL THAT AMUSEMENT. I WANT SOME FIGS! OB BOMB GINOEBBREAD 

NUTS ! OR A OOOD LOT OF TOFFEE I I THAT 8 WHAT I CALL AMUSEMENT ! " 



A SONG FOR A WET 
SUMMER. 

BY A MfDDLE-AOKD SIXOKR. 

Miusi'MMKtt asrttin ! 

Now 1ft UH be jolly, 
And 'mid hail and rain 

Banish melancholy I 
Pic-nics are fio nice 

Un'ternaath umbrella?, 
Packed as close a- mice : 

Damp don 1 1 hurt young fellahs ^ 

So I used to say, 

Am I growing older? 
Ha ! was tha 1 , I pray, 

A twinge in my lett shoulder T 
Sadly I 've my fears, 

' l wa a hint emphatic, 
That ere many years 

I shall be rheumatic ! 



THE HOME-FARM. 

AN abundant growth of wild oats 
is, often, only a pro;>f of the rich- 
ness of the soil. The ground mi:y 
always be got into order, if you will 
take care to sow it wMi roof -crop*. 
The deeper you plnnt 'em the bet- 
ter ; but when they are once in the 
ground, let *em take their chance, 
and don't always be pulling them 
up to see if they arc sprouting. 

Avoid the dangerous practice of 
bringing your husband under ihe 
harrow. 

THE DANGER OF JESTING. 
" When is a brick a tile 1 " asked 
BKDWN, senior, of SMITH, junior. 
Give H up I When it 's a projec- 
tile " So saying he threw a brick- 
bat and broke a window. Hit* pre- 
cep'or forgave him the mischief he 
had done, but flogged him for 
punning. 

NKOATIVK ADVICE. Never, un- 
less you speak French fluent fy, 
enter a shop in Paris where you see 
the notice, "Here they Spike the 
English.'* 



A NKW ANSWKR TO AN OLD QUESTION. Wheie was MOSES 
when he put the candle out? Not necessarily in the dark. 
MOSF.S may have been a Puseyite Sacristan, and have put out 
the candle in broad daylight, which bis master the pardon was 
burning. 



FAVOURITE PROFESSIONAL DISHES. 

THE Boxer'* Dish Soufflet, 

The Young Member's Dish . . . Greens. 

The Old Member's Dish . . . . Loaves and Fishe 

The Public-Dinner-Orator's Dish . . Flounders. 



A HEBREW PUNDIT. The Sanhedrim was the chief council 
of the Jews. It consisted of seventy elders, over whom the 
High Priest presided Once upon a time a President of this 
assembly, not mentioned by JostTHCs, addressed it as " Gen- 
tlemen of the Jewry." 




PATERKAKILIAS, WITH HIS USUAL PBCCIKCX AXD FORESIGHT, ORDERS A QUANTITY or BEER OF THE OCTOBER BRKWIKG. 

THE BARRELS AUK " A WOJ.KIN* AND A BU.STIN' ! " 



H EAS JUST BEEN INfORMtD THAT ALL 







AFTER AIMING FOR A QCARTER OF AH HOUR, MR. B. FIRES BOTH nis BARRELS AND MISSES M II TABLEAU THE FORESTER'S ANGUISH. 



Rl'IUL KI1YMKS. 
CONSIDKRUN in Novemb 'i how the dayi 
Gets in, and shortens as the leaves decays. 
As I walk? out ache Xunday arternoon, 
Aa! I reflects, here *8 Winter comun zoon ! 
'] he yarbidge all dies off, until you zee* 
No twudstooU*, aven, at the roots o* trees. 

VULGAR SUPERS TUIONS. 

THAT It is not " the thin* " to run in any public thorough- 
fare, even although you may be really in a hurry, and (of 



ASTRONOMICAL INFOR- 
MATION. 
From Punch't Almanack for 2417. 



course) find that the streets are far too crowded for a cab, 
except to crawl along as slowly as an alderman would walk 
after a dinner at the Mansion House. 

That when TOU call on a swell couple you ought to leave 
two cards although a man and wlte, you know, are looked 
upon aa one. 

That calling servants by their surnames gives them a higher 
rankm tlie eyes of one's acquaintances, and invests a' 1 Buttons" 
with the bearing of a butler. 

That ft betrays a vulgar mind to be seen carrying a parcel, 
more particularly supposing it 10 be wrapped up in a newspajter. 



A SONG FOR COCKNEY SPORTSMEN. 
TBKRK 's a southerly wind and a cloudy sky, 

But you'd better not hunt this morning, 
Or over the ears of your bone you may fly 

Where a deep, deep ditch lies yawning. 
And they '11 cry " O, stupid !' 
If you ride over /uno or Cupid; 
Which the odds are you'll do, 
So if I were you, 

I should act on this friendly warning. 



WE are happy to inform our 
readers that the Astronomical So- 
ciety of London hu* at length ?uc- 
eet'<ie<l in rt-ctilyinx the irlobe, and 
that in future there will be no more 
eclipses. The holes in the nun's 
path have been carefully filled up 
with concrete of diamond the 
Zodiac bus been duly and com- 
pletely oiled, and all tiie houses 
that were in opposition have been 
puiled down. 'I he course of th; 
planets will henceforth be regular, 
r.'tupennaiion has been demanded 
by "about eleven thousand mrcet 
boys, who wire in Die habit of (-ell- 
ing smoked glasses to view the old 
phenomena, and the claimants 
have all been sent t> the Compul- 
sory College, n- 1 MR. AI-AMS, the 
lecturer, who on Saturday attained 
his six hundredth jc'ir, h;i put 
fireworks instead of cdipwes into 
his famous Orrery, with which 
our young folks arc much better 
pleased. __ 

RURAL RHYMES. 

DKCKMBKR brings, wi* darknuss 

wind and rain, 
Another Christmas. Here we be 

again! 
How are yer! all you gentlefolks 

in Town! 
What matter if I be a country 

clown T 

My snrvice to 'ee in a quart o' beer, i 
Here 's your good healths and bet- 

tcr luck next year ! 




ASTRONOMICAL INFOR- 
MATION. 

Fron Punch't Almanack /or 3861 . 

xlstrolocjg. 

TUB Directors of the Great 
Northern Hem spherical Railway 
announce that railway commu- 
nication between all the principal 
fixed stars will be open in a tew 
night*. The facilities which will 
thus be afforded for personally 
visiting one'* own natal star, and 
examining into one's destiny, in- 
ptead of employing ignorant quacks 
not much be ter than the Raphael* 
and Zadkitlt whom Punch extir- 
pated in the nineteenth century, is 
apparent. Charles's Wain w ill 
meet every train, and convey pas- 
sengers to stars where stations are 
not yet opened. Astronomers art 
attached U> ech truin, who will 
give every information ; and it in 
particularly requested that r.o beer 
may be offered them. Spectacles, 
to keep star-dust out of the eytn, 
will be supplied, and on Saturday* 
the music of the spheres will be in 
attendance. We hail this new 
advance in s ienoe. What would 
the stick-in-the-mud blockheads of 
1*61 have said to bre-kiusting in 
Oxford and dining in Orion I 



A WHOLESOME BEVERAGE. 



.Tns ROTAL HAHT MR. BRIGGS DID NOT Hu. 



TH n leave* of Deadly Nig 
infuftfd in boiling hot water, make 
line t a. It may be iweetened 
with lunar of lead. Thi> hu one 
great adrnntage over common tea, 
which, according to gome medical 
aulhoritta is a sloe pois >n. 








MR. BRIGGS HAS ANOTHER DAY'S STALKING, AND HIS 1{IFLE HAVI\a GONE OFF SOONER THAN HE EXPKCTLD, HE KILLS A STAG ! Ab li' IS HIS l''iRST, HE JS MACE 

FREE OF THE KOHEST ET THE PROCESS CUSTOMARY ON THE HILLS! 




AND RETURNS HOME IN TUII-MPH. HE is A LITTLE KNOCKED-UP, BUT AFTER A NAP, WILL, NO DODBT, oo THRoran THE BROAD SWORD DANCE IN THE EVESINO AS USUAL. 




"OTTR OWN CORRESPONDENT AT THE SEAT OF 
WAR." 

THE post of Newspaper Correspondent, besides being responsible, has 
L become dangerous. In their published letters these gentlemen are 
modestly sparing of allusion to any personal mishaps, but their hair- 
breadth escapes and adventures all over the world would fill a volume. 
One ready writer was all but shot as a spy during the Carlist War. It 
required strong intercession to save the life of another who was taken, 
note-book in hand, when the Danes and Schleswig-Holsteiners were 
at loggerheads. In the Russian War the letters of a third, who was 
at Shumla with OMAR PASHA, were nearly brought to a close by half 
a dozen Bashi-Bazouks, these gentry assailing him with hatchets 
and muskets for his unwarrantable interference when they were steal- 
ins; his straw. Special Correspondents of the Times were copped up in 
Silistria and in Kars, and endured all the privations and perils of those 
memorable sieges. At, Kalafat a troop of Cossacks made a swoop upon 
the Correspondent of the Daily News, who escaped onlj by his free use 
of whip and spur. The Correspondent of the Mormng Ckroniclt was 
nearly frozen to death in travelling from Erzeroum to Kars. MR. 
WOODS was saved by a miracle from going to the bottom during that, 
fearful November storm in the Black Sea, but happily survived to 
sketch the Atlantic cruise of the Agamemnon, and to describe in 
brilliant, word-painting a great, international visit. ME. W. H. RUSSELL 
must bear a charmed life, for after bronchial attacks and dysentery, 
induced by Crimean cold and exposure after being nearly sabred by 
mutineer Sowars in India, lamed by the kick of a horse, and struck 
down by a coup de soleil he still wields every week in the midst of us 
his graceful, genial pen. Later still, COUNT ARRIVABENE, the Italian 
Correspondent of the Daily News, who could not resist the temptation 
of joining in a cavalry charge, was taken prisoner by the Neapolitans, 
and only restored to his friends when they had given him up for dead. 
Prtsteritormn periculorvm fluids esl memoria, as in the Latin grammar 
it is written. 

But other writers at the seat of war have not been so fortunate. 
Poor MR. TUCKER, on the staff of the Illustrated London News, carried 
by his ardour into the thickest of the fight, was shot through the head 
before Capua. The last, and saddest episode in this eventful chronicle 
is the fate of MR. BOWI.BY, the Special Correspondent of the Times in 
China. The loss oT such a man at such a time, and in such a way, is 
irreparable. Through his eyes all England hoped to see the battles 
that were fought aud the heroism that was displayed by her sons in 
the East : through him we hoped to get our first photograph of Pekin, 
our first impressions of its palaces and people, our first glimpse of the 
Imperial Court, with its thronging Mandarins and Princes. How 
eagerly should we have read his description of the Summer Palace, 
with its glittering fountains, its miles of terraces, its wondrous 
gardens, and the more than barbaric luxury and glitter within ! How 
vigorously he would have recounted the sack and burning of this 
fanciful and costly structure ! What a life-picture we should have had 
of the Ratification scene at the Boards of Ceremonies ! But this was 
not to be; aud just as his tale was awaited here with the greatest 
expectation, and had aroused the greatest interest, the narrator was 
struck cruelly down. We hope that no considerations of red-tape will 



prevent his bereaved family from sharing in the " compensation 
money " so properly demanded from the Chinese Government. MB. 
BOWLHY was in China on the people's business, and lost his life 
emphatically in the public service ; and the nation for whose information 
he wrote, and the army whose gallantry he recorded, surely owe some 
fitting tribute to his memory. However this may be, Mr. Punch, whose 
love of fun is ever less than his sympathy with misfortune, and whose 
laughter is sometimes close akin to tears, on his own and the public 
behalf deplores this public loss, and calls on his myriad readers to hold 
in kindly and in sorrowing remembrance the unhappy historian of the 
last Chinese War.j 



MILITARY EDUCATION. 

ACCORDING to L. D., writing in the Times, the following admirable 
plan of teaching the young military idea how to shoot, was adopted by 
the late GENERAL SIR GEORGE CATUCART : 

" The target wag an effigy (life size) of an armed loldler, cot out in wood, and 
standing on a truck with gun-carriage wheel*, which was dragged backwards and 
forwards across an opening in the woods by means of a long rope." 

This is the way to train troops to shoot flying. In most cases where 
our gallant heroes have to charge a foe, they will no doubt have an 
opportunity of testing their ability to take a flying shot at the enemy. 



Hatchment Wit 

MR. GLADSTONE, it seems, levies his Income-Tax not only on the 
living, bat on those who are no longer such. The executor of a 
departed gentleman publishes his complaint, that nine months Income- 
Tax in advance is demanded from the estate of a party who died a 
short time ago. The subject, neither financially nor socially, is one for 
much levity, and Mr. Punch shows his due appreciation of it by print- 
ing the grimmest joke that has ever been sent to him by an undertaker. 
The respected Mute says, that it is clear a tomb stone is not a GLAD- 
STONE. Ho! liquids to the Mute! 



"Hast any Philosophy in Thee, Shepherd?" 

GOOD DOCTOR WIGRAM (Rochestere), 

At Parsons' beards is raving : 
We sadly fear that we shall hear 

The Bishop's head wants shaving. 



The Little Annual. 



WE had intended to say something upon the subject of that elegant 
little bijou annual the Post Office Directory, but as we make a point of 
never reviewing a book which we have not thoroughly read through, 
and as at present we have only got through the first thousand pages, 
we must suspend our judgment. As far as we have gone, the work is 
fascinating in style and full of indispensable information. 



VOL. XL. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 5, 1861. 




A VALUABLE RECOMMENDATION. 

SEEDY PARTY. "Says he tcom't let ymi 'arc the Dory, th ? 
just tell Mm you are a Friend of MINE." 



Well, you 



WHY I LOVE THE ISLE OF WIGHT. 

I LOVE, I love the Isle of Wight, . . . 

But 'tis not because its skies are bright, 

Nor yet for its Undercliff so fair, 

Nor the pretty girls who in crowds repair 

To its sheltered strand and its balmy air, 

Though in height of the fashion they trip about, 

And under each piquant pork-pie hat, 
The bright eyes glance, and the red lips pout, 
And the netted tresses the breezes flout, 
And pretty Balmorals, shapely though stout, 
From blazing, linsey-woolseys peep out 

Oh, no, it isn't for that. 

'Tis not for its fowl, and 'tis not for its fish, 

For by trial I 've learnt that to get a dish 

Of whitings or flounders, of turbot or sole, 

In Freshwater, Ventnor, Cowes, or Ryde, 

Is a harder and costlier thing on the whole, 

Though you 're plauted close by the blue sea's side, 

Than in any inland town I e'er tried. 

'Tis not for its inns though the Bonchurch Hotel, 

And eke the Royal at, Veutnor as well, 

Have good plaiu cooks and capital cellars, 

And though from their windows the sea you may smell, 

And command the Undercliff, dingle and dell, 

And the landlords of both are capital fellars, 

Their bills not too heavy, their ale not too flat, 

But yet it isn't for that. 

Nor is 't for the beauty the isle that crowns- 
Its smiling fields and its snug little towns, 
Its white chalk cliffs and its swelling downs : 
Nor its Undercliff, that pioturesquest of jumbles, 
Where cottage ornee, rock and creeper and tree, 

' ver the other deliciously tumbles, 
In a way that gladdens the eye to see 
Nor its Chines, be their banks all golden and green, 
With a dancing streamlet at play between, 
Or as bare as my hand and as black as my hat 
Oh, no, it isn't for that. 

It is, because the Isle of Wight, 
Still boasts one lelic Preadamite : 



It still presents to my wondering gaze, 
The FOUR-HORSE COACII of iny infant days ! 

Yes the real, original, Four -horse Coach 

To which what, carriage could ever approach ? 

With its perch iu front, where you jam your knees,*" 

And its percli heliiiid, whereon four must squeeze, 

In a space where two can scarce sit at ease ; 

And its inside, licensed to carry four, 

Where you crush your hat, as you enter the door, 

And where the sole way to dispose of your legs, 

Is to sandwich your opposite neighbour's pegs ; 

And where if your next fellow-passenger's pretty, 

It 's 11 very nice but if not, more 's the pity ; 

For, do what you will, you 're obliged to squeeze her, 

And 'tis vain to call out either " Stop her ! " or " Base her ! " 

Who does not remember that Four-horse Coach, 

With its driver sans peur if not sans reproche ; 

Who was great in mirth, and still greater in wrath, 

And swore down all that crossed his path, 

Who, let who would go astray, ne'er was knowd, 

(He told you) to drive the wrong side of the road ; 

Who cut round corners, aud tore down hill, 

Pull'd up at the publics, to gossip and swill ; 

Held his fares in contempt for three-fourths of the way, 

But the last few miles grew bland and gay, 

And wondrous respectful, for one of his trade, 

In hopes you 'd "remember him " when you paid ? 

Yes the dear old Four-horse Coach of my youth ! 3 

'Twas inconvenient, to tell the truth. 

'Twas costly and crazy, and snailishly slow, 

Now railways have taught us the pace to go ; 

'Twas cold outsfde, and cramping within, 

And the driver was apt to be giv'n to gin ; 

A curser, a cringer, extortionate too, 

One .who measured respect by your purse, not yow; 

But spite of all this and more beside, 
'Tis a pleasure of inem'ry again to ride 
In that ven'rable vehicle out- or inside ; 
And therefore I love the Isle of Wight, 
For that it gives me this delight, 
And sets old recollections abroach, 
As I swing along in its Four-horse Coach, 
And string my monumental lays, 
To the vehicle of ancestral ways- 
Survivor of Jarvies and yellow po-chays, 
THE FOOTR-HORSE COACH OF MY EARLY DATS ! ; 



SELF-MOVING FUKNITURE. 

WB really cannot understand how it is that when so many folks 
have turned their minds to table-turning, they have none of them 
attempted to turn out something useful by it. We do not speak so 
much now of the regular seance-holdiog professors of the art, who make 
money by their tricks just the same as other conjurors, and gull people 
who go to them at. so much charge per head. These persons doubtless 
think it best to let well alone, and to go on pouching quietly the pro- 
ceeds of their exhibitions, without running any risk by endeavouring 
to introduce the element, of usefulness. Enough for them to do their 
tricks and do their patrons ; to dupe the weak and foolish who out- 
number the wise ; to trade on the most sacred feelings of our nature, 
by imposing their vile shams upon bereaved and grieving parents ; to 
pretend to have the power of summoning the spirits of the loved and 
lost, and thus, ghoule-like, get a living by bringing up the dead. 

But besides these shameless humbugs, whom we count with the 
sham prophets and sham doctors of our time, there are amateur 
professors of the spiritualist faith, who ought certainly to try to de- 
velope its resources, and if possible, conduct it fo some really useful 
end. If there be an unknown power which can move our chairs and 
tables, make our ottomans dance hornpipes and our wardrobes evince 
signs of the liveliest emotion when approached, after an absence, by 
the mistress of the house, surely this mysterious influence is worth 
turning to account, and the more we truly know of it the better. We 
cannot see why we should go on paying men to move our furniture, 
when for aught we know, our furniture is gifted with the capability to 
move itself. Who can tell but that a latent power exists in chairs and 
tables, in bedsteads and in book-cases, carefully to move themselves 
from house to house at our mere bidding ; to take themselves to pieces, 
if need be, at their exit, and to put themselves again together on their 
entrance? Certainly when next we have occasion to change house 
(which but for the requirements of our dear (i. e. costly) wife and 
family, we should assuredly not do within the present century,) we 



JANUARY 5, 18G1.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



shall be tempted to go through a scientific course of table-moving, with 
the view of seeing how far it, .night help us in our work. Before we 
honour our upholsterer with instructions for the purpose, we shall 
adopt a most exhaustive s\steni of experiments, and do our best to 
ascertain if furniture is capable of i imatically from Brompton 

(say) to Bayswater, and arranging itself nicely in the rooms that are 
prepared for it. Just conceive what a savins of trouble, time and 
temper, not to make allusion to money, there would be, if instead of 
having to order vans and light spring carts, and, for fear of fire or 
plunder, to take < iminand in person of a whole army of workmen, who 
m the usual course of tiling i \peet, such liberal "allowance" as will ' 
allow them to jjet. tip-y not less than twice per diem, if instead of all 
the jobbery ami robbery, ami bribery which invariably attends the 

' 



, 

task of entering anew residence, one need only tell one's loo-table, 
" Come, there you be off, and mind your claws don't come so!" or 

' 



their daughters grow up handy, useful, clever girls, who would make 
,"Hi<l housekeepers when wives. But no, poverty 
and pride c<> :n-haml, until they drag each other down into 

t,h din. A! 1 ' EB, the lady is compelled to own her 

scheme a faii - girls too proud to do 

t.ho housework, an< i tluurd as to encourage their refusal. 

In a letter Jo tin- " says: 



" 1 was not psapsjrsd to find the ntssa of parents I had in do with would sppa- 
.K over? excuse to cvadu the industrial w<*rk, or 
tern away when it wan to IM done, and threaten u> 
the household duties were requirud i thum. In corroboration of this lair- 

o ^ir*a has*o been taken away from the school axpnssly 

IM-- II.M- tii,-, '.M....I , ' c ,..u~-tv,i.: Wii'th.' in M, paHsBl :* i 

, JeUnniM for tbinsels what they shall or shall not du. or whether the 
mud to recognise such industrial work as a dut . Ixilontiing to their 
children, it is not !'<ir iue to decids* I can only act an the result, and close ray school. 

, .-- __ _ , il, plan, had I not met with discou- 

address one's old four-poster, Jiow then, sharp s the wore: unscrew rageu.uut and opposition from the pnrauu/' 
yourself directly, and move to Spirit Terrace, and take care not to chip 
yourself in going up the staircase ! " 

Were some such really useful end aa this arrived at, 



should be 
among the last to sneer at spirit-moving, and perhaps among the very 



blasphemous replies to what are at the beet entirely needless inter- 
rogatories, we must beg to be excused from giving our adhesion to 
the spiritualist faith. If table-movers be not capable of doing some- 
thing really useful by their art, the sooner they desist from tlicir ab- 
surdities the better. There is no earthly good as yet in anything they 
do, and things which have not good in them have usually evil. 



Proper deference to parents is not the chiefest virtue of the rising 
seneration, h.: is more the fault, of pareir 

-,. uu ,,*,, ...* ...,, ... , " f olli ' (ire "' the <*- wl ch we have oited seem* .abundantly to prove. 

first to take advantage of it.' liut while the sole result, obtained 1= How far it mav be true that poor people sped their children because 
needlessly to move about our sofas, chairs, and tables, and to rap out, r lcuer POOD e. do *>, we think that it may po*ib y ; be worth while to 
of the latter a lot of stupid, senseless, lying, useless and not seldom '< ul - ** ls fashionable nowadays to. let om, & children, as a rule, do 
i- , , . .; -.:--i- ii .. : . exMwls>1s|0 please, for mothers often are too l**y to pay much heed 

to their family, and so long as toys or lollipops will keep things quiet 
in, tjie nnnmnr, all attempts at proper training are parentally postponed. 
What, wonder, then, that children are so often now such, self-willed, 
pert, Mid atook-up little creatures; and who can doubt i 
example is, ta some extent at any rate, followed by the poor ? What 
great folks do, the less will prattle of and imitate; aod while young 
ladies ace allowed to think it ungwteel to make- a shirt or mend a 
stocking, and to consider they lose (Mete by eve* entering the kitchen, 
we inaj depend that their inferiors will give themselves likve airs, and 
prefer in starve as sempstresses than to grow fat in service. 

Commenting upon the letter we haw quoted, which should find it* 
way to every cottage in the kingdom, a writer in the Athemeum 
sensibly observes : 

" Is there not something out of joint in a society In which competent cooks, 
dairymaids, and laundrymaids are hardly to be got, while incompetent governesses 
and female artists are a drug 1 Is thure not something alarming in a society where 
the superficial and false refinement of the giris of tha Tower classes unfits them for 
domestic life, and give* them taste*, habits, wants, which a largo proportion "f them 
can never satisfy hi the safe but humble regions of virtuous labour ? While this 
fatal misdirection is given to their training, we may confidently predict that the 
recruits to the ranks of vice will far more than fill the places made vacant by Uw 
efforts of reformers." 

Out of joints, as well as out of joint, will be society, if cooks, as we 
seem threatened, are no longer to be got. " Every lady her own ser- 
vant," will become the general motto, and the sooner we prepare 
ourselves for this new state of things the better. If girls in humble 
life refuse to learn to cook and to keep house, schools for cookery and 
housekeeping must be opened for young ladies, and parents of the 



SEEVANTGAIISM YEBSUS SCHOOLING; 

no one shall we- b> ac- 
cused of any wish ta take 
our readers' breath away 
by advancing an extrava- 
gant and startling suppo- 
sition, if we venture to 
assume that there are some 
of them wh9 are not quite 
contented with their house- 
maids, and are sometimes 
to be heard even complain- 
ing of their cooks. With- 
out going so far as to as- 
sert that servants are "the 
greatest plagues in life" 
(which in the presence of 
street-organists and Income- 




scarcely be compatible with 
honest truth to do), we 
may yet presume to state 
that many a young house- 
keeper has found they are 
" great worries," and many 
an old one would declare, 
if she might speak her mind 
about them, that the minxes 

would exhaust the pocket, of a CHCESUS and the patience of a JOB. 
Smashed crockery, chipped furniture, spoilt cookery, and cheap finery, 
are enough to sour the feelings of the sweetest-tempered " Missus," 
and when to these failings is added a weakness .for life-guardsmen 
and for reading penny novels, and a demand to be allowed to practise 
the piano, and to be excused from doing any needlework but, crochet, 
we cannot wonder that complaints should now and then be heard that 
servants nowadays know neither their station nor their work. 

With an ear to these complaints, and an eye to the instruction of 
girls in humble life, not merely in the knowledge of bow to read and 
write but in the useful arts of sewing, cookery, and house-keeping, 
which are no more learnt by instinct than anatomy or algebra, geo- 
graphy or Greek, a lady four years since established a training-school 
at Norwich, where the object was, she tells us 

" To give tho opportunity for gaining a good education, with the addition of plain 
sewing, mending, and catling out ; and also (what every mother was to understand 
on putting her girl to school) such practical acquaintance with cookery and house- 
work, under my excellent lumeekeeper, that every girl might know how a house 
should be kept, and should acquire habit* whicli would hereafter make all the 
difference between a tidy and happy home or the reverse." 

Surely children, one would think, would like a school like this, 
where as a relief from their arithmetic and spelling, some mornings 
would be spent in learning how to make a pudding, which, at the 
small charge of threepence each for dinner, the pupils were at liberty 



Tax collectors it would highest rank will have to send their daughters to them. Instead of 



bringing home rewards for drawing or deportment, our girls will charm 
our eyes by showing us their prizes for plumpuddings. ANGELINA 
will be "honourably mentioned" for her pancakes, and AGNES be 
" commended " for the genius she displayed in boiling a potato. If 
this plan be carried out, and " Servants' Schools for Ladies " be gene- 
rally established, we think, in order to ensure a home being made 
happy, every bride should be obliged, on the morning of her marriage, 
to produce before the clergyman her first-class cook's certificate, 
without which document, the ceremony should not be performed, aod 
the engagement of the bridegroom should be legally annulled. 



Affection in Man and Woman. 

WOMEN are said to have stronger attachments than men. It is not so. 
Strength of attachment is evinced in little things. A man is often 
attached to an old hat ; hut did you ever know of a woman having an 
attachment lor an old bonnet 'i 



A Cheer for Elgin. 

HE has done his work featly, adroitly, completely, 
So saith Mr. Punch, unaccustomed to flatter; 

And except that the welkin don't rhyme to LORD ELOIK, 
The former should ring with the praise of the latter. 



to eat when it was made. Surely, too, poor parents would like to see i could. 



A CASE OF WANDERING WHICH IS A MOS1 RATIONAL STBF. 

THE Lawyers have a peculiar phrase, which they frequently indulge 
in, of " wandering from the record." We do not profess to say 
what it means, but we only know that we were shown a copy of the 
Record once, and we wandered away from it as quickly as we possibly 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 5, 1861. 




THE WEATHER AND THE STREETS.-1860. 

Soy of the Period. "Go IT, TOMMY! THERE'S NO PEKLICE, AND THE OLD GENT'S AFRAID TO COME OUT!" 



FACTS OF THE FROST. 

" ME. PUNCH, 

" BY the time when these lines will reach you, we shall 
perhaps have had a thaw ; but the present severity of the season ought 
not to he forgotten when it ia over. The cold is so intense that it has 
frozen some cold pork which I am eating for breakfast, and let me 
recommend you to try fat pork frozen, if you want to know what cold 
pork is. 

" My tooth-brush has for a long time been frozen night and day, 
except just when I am using it, and then it melts in my mouth, like a 
pear, except in flavour, tasting strongly of camphor. My nail-brush, 
my shaving-brush, and my bodily ablution or scrubbing-brush are in 
the same state. Not only is the water in my bed-room jug con- 
gealed ; but the jug itself is frozen into my washing-basin, by means 
of water which the domestics spill over its mouth. My breath 
freezes on the inside of my bed-room window in beautiful crys- 
tallisations, and I might draw caricatures with my finger-nail on 
the frosted panes, but anxiety to get up as fast as possible debars me 
from that amusement. 

"Everybody's water-pipes are all frozen, of course; and I observe 
that the plumbers are all in high spirits, evincing a degree of exhila- 
ration above what might be accounted for by the bracing weather. 

" Not only are the ornamental lakes in the Parks frozen over, which 
is all very well, but so likewise is the slush about on the pavements 
whereupon the street-boys, in defiance, or with the connivance, of the 
police, strike out slides, on which I am continually slipping, and expect 
to fall and fracture my skull. 

" Yours, till death, 

" OBSERVER." 

"P.S.fBewareof sleeping without your nightcap. Lambswool is a 
very good materialise is hot-spiced elder or small claret." 



CLERICAL NEWS. The BISHOP OF ROCHESTER has written to the 
Clergy of Colchester, intimating that he shall suspend any Parson who 
eats an oyster with its beard on. 



PUNCH'S ENGLISH EXERCISES. 

A NEW idea in education has been suggested to us by the late pasto- 
rals of CARDINAL WISEMAN, DR. CULLEN, and other Popish prelates ; 
indeed also by the allocutions, excommunications, and epistles of the 
POPE himself. Boys used to be taught orthography by being set to 
rectify some pages of bad spelling. In like manner, youth might have 
placed before them the verbiage of the POPE, the Cardinal, and the 
illicit ARCHBISHOP OF DUBLIN, being charged with the task of turning 
it into English. It would be interesting to see how much shorter 
these pompous addresses would be, if they were weeded of their rank 
luxuriance of needless adjectives. There would be no fear that the 
youthful mind would be perverted by the study of writings proposed 
as examples to be carefully avoided ; but no doubt their authors would 
hope that they would have the effect of imbuing lads with popery, and 
therefore would be quite willing to have them used as models of redun- 
dance, turgidity, affectation, and every peculiarity of style that ought 
to be shunned. 

Together with the compositions of his Eminence, his Holiness, and 
the archiepiscopal Irish firebrand, quack advertisements, such as are 
not noisome, and the circulars of puffing tradesmen, might be advan- 
tageously combined for the use of schools. The intellect would be 
equally well exercised in reducing either a pastoral or a puff to its 
lowest denomination. It is wonderful how like the language of in- 
fallible-specific-mongers is to that of the preachers of papal infallibility. 



An Old Nursery Rhyme. 

New Dressed d la Tartare. 

THE > Tartar heap are scattered like sheep, 
E'en SAN-KO-LIN-TSIN can't find them; 

May the Allies come home, and let Pekin alone, 1 
But not leave their taels behind them. , 



THE SCOTCH EXILE'S SONG: "How happy could I be with 
Heather ! " 



to 



o 

ffi 




JANUARY 5, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



THE COMPACT LETTER-WRITER. 

FINE letter-writing could not survive the establishment of the penny 
post, but if elegant periods and a neat form of arriving at a conclusion 
could have endured into the days when we have ten deliveries between 
breakfast and. dinner, the coup de grace would now have been given. 
The Government offices, beginning with the Horse Guards, announce 
that in future "the purport of every letter sent to then is to be 
briefly explained on the top left-hand corner." How much more of 
the letters will be read ? 

Letters are confessedly among the great nuisances of the day, except 
to people in love and other fools. Everybody in his senses would 
rather not have a letter than have one, unless it contains a cheque. 
But as people will scribble, Mr. Punch earnestly recommends that the 
rule of the Government be adopted in private life. It will save so 
much time and the expenditure of so much bad temper. For instance, 
at Christmas time, when impositions are tolerated, Mother-in-law sends 
a rigmarole of eight pages, with every other word underlined, and a 
whole cataract of expressions of affection. About two-thirds through 
the bottle of hay is the needle, which is an appeal te tolerably 
prosperous son-in-law to lend idle brother-in-law twenty pounds. Now, 
the old lady adds insult to injury by the torrent of words which 
involve her petition. Does she know how tolerably prosperous son-in- 
law (who puts away and keeps letters, in order to meet the certain 
accusation, one of these days, of not doing much for his family), en- 
dorses such an epistle. Mr. Punch will tell her : 



" Old girl, humbugging far 20 
for that ass Tom; sent it, like 
another ass as I am." 

How much more decorous it will be, when tolerably prosperous son- 
in-law has been taken to Norwood, and his papers are overhauled, to 
find, instead of such a note as the above, a few neat words at the upper 
left-hand corner : 



Mamma petitions dearest Charles 
for a little loan to kind, good, but 
j rather improvident Tommy. 
Sent 20, 

C. SOFT. 



An author, too, Mr. Punch has heard, has occasionally written to 
an editor, requesting the latter to give a favourable review of the 
former's book. The way, Mr. Punch has heard, is to say something 
to the effect that, though author is the last man to think much of 
his own literary efforts, or to desire any notoriety, yet there have 
been so many admirable articles in editor's widely-circulated and 
influential journal, bearing upon the very subject on which author has 
been writing, that perhaps, in the interest of the public and of the 
good cause which both of them have at heart, a notice of author's work 
might be opportune and acceptable. This is all very nice ; but the 
note in the upper left-hand corner, and the endorsement, should run 
thus: 



Give us a puff for the Jawti to 
Jericho. 

Saw him blowed first. 
flu. 



Managers are much beset for Boxes at Christmas-time, especially by 
rich people, who very properly say, that new pieces should be seen 
while the dresses and decorations are fresh, and also while the children 
(bless 'em) are home for the holidays, and therefore they beg the 
Manager to give them the places that he can, just now, sell to great 
advantage. Generally, the coolness of the note in which the demand 
is made by a Clapham or Bayswater demi-millionaire is suited to the 
coolness of the request ; or if the lady of the house writes, it is evi- 
dently with the idea that she is doing the Manager a favour in bringing 
her children to see a gratis sight. But sometimes she condescends to 
be civil, and writes thus : 

" DEAK Ms. SFANGLJSTON, 

" I see by the papers, and I am delighted for your sake to see 
it, that your new piece, the Mountebank of Madagascar, has been so 
splendidly got up that it is sure to bring you crowded audiences for 
many a night. You will, I am sure, remember me from having sat next 
to me at our good friend, MR. BADPORT'S, when you were so very kind 
as to say that 1 ought to come and see your theatre. I will now take 
advantage of your kind offer, and as all my dear children are at home 
for the holidays, I should like to give them the treat of coming to your 
theatre on Saturday night, if you will be good enough to give me a 
box. As we are a good many, and some young friends are staying 
with us, I should like a double box, and please let it be near the centre 
of the house, because 1 do get so nervous about the little ones leaning 



over. Opposite the lloyal Box if you possibly can, because if HER 
MAJESTY should happen to come that night, we shall have the double 
pleasure of seeing our QUEEN and your piece. Please to write by 
return, as I should like to ask one or two friends, and as they may not 
wish to come at once, please write ' any number at any hour ' on the 
card. As our posts are irregular, would you send the box by one of 
the hundreds of men you must have idling about the theatre. 
"Believe me, dear Sir, 

"Yours sincerely, 

" Peckham Sift." " SARAH CLUTCHIR." 

"P.S. Please also jrive four orders for the boxes, as we have two 
faithful and attached servants who have been with us many years, 
and 1 should like to give them a treat and let them take their sweet- 
hearts." 

No Manager ought to resist such an appeal as this ; but if MRS. 
CLUTCHBR would break the thing at once to him by a note in the upper 
left-hand corner, like this, 



Mrs. Clutcher, banker 1 ! wife, 
friend, of the Badports, wants box 
and four orders. 



it might prevent the Manager from being so rude as to write something 
(as he otherwise may) like tUi : 



Fat woman, friend of haute 
where had thai fawOy WMW. /- 
pudent old 



Mr. Punch, highly commending the compact comer-note, hereby 
announces that he shall notice no letter to himself unless that pr/fcis be 
annexed. 

A SPECIAL VERDICT. 

TEE admiration of mankind is challenged for the subjoined verdict 
of a British jury : 

" We find for the plaintiff, but with this remark, that DR. CLARKE acted perfectly 
bond fdt ; and that upon the result of the evidence there was sufficient to justify 
the course ho pursued. Therefore we lay the damages at 10." 

This wonderful decision, if that is the correct word to apply to such 
a finding as the above, raises (instead of settling) a legal question, of 
which one view was naturally expressed by the defendant's counsel : 

" MR. ASPLAHD. I submit that is a verdict (or the defendant." 

whilst another was logically delivered from a higher authority : 

" The LORD Cunr JUSTICE. I am of a contrary opinion." 

This case was an action for assault and false imprisonment, brought 
by a woman who had been the defendant's cook-maid, against Set 
former master, because he, a physician at Staines, had caused her to 
be sent to the union workhouse, and confined there three weeks as a 
lunatic. It was tried in the Court of Common Pleas at Westminster, 
before LORD CHIEJ.JUSTICB ERLE and a Special Jury. The speciality 
of a special jury is supposed to consist in a degree of rationality and 
intelligence superior to that with which common juries are endowed, 
and likewise in a peculiar freedom from vulgar partiality and prejudice. 
Here we have a special jury, finding, in the first place, that a physician 
acted with good faith and sufficient justiticatiqn, in giving his servant 
into custody as a madwoman, and next that, in so doing, he had in- 
curred 10 damages. If this is the verdict of a special jury in a case 
wherein a gentleman is sued by a social inferior, what is to be expected 
by anybody in the higher or middle orders, who may be so unfortunate 
as to get involved in a lawsuit with another person in the lower P Of 
course that the case will be decided against him the jury adding the 
expression of their opinion, that the better educated and richer party was 
in the right so far as law and evidence were concerned, but that they, 
as sympathising with the masses, felt bound to give their verdict in 
favour of the poorer and more ignorant. Common juries must not only 
return verdicts at variance with reason and justice, but they must also 
assign their motive for so doing, if they are to exhibit, in the discharge 
of their duties, any intellectual as well as moral inferiority to special 
juries, such as special juries may be judged to be if the astounding 
verdict above quoted is to be taken as an example of their wisdom and 
righteousness. 

A Likely Reform in the Law. 

AMONG the contemplated Law Reforms of 1861, is an Act enabling 
persons to establish their own sanity durin? tlieir lifetime, in order 
that, after death, they may not have their wills disputed on the ground 
that when they made them they were out of their minds. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 5, 1861. 




THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. 

Reynard the Fox. "HEBE'S AN OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS, MY BOYS, FOR YOU, AND MANY 

OF 'EM ! " 



THE LETTER H. AND SLAVERY. 

PRESIDENT BUCHANAN in his Message to Con- 
gress, which not only assumes, but asserts, the 
right of property on the part of masters in slaves, 
thus deprecates secession : 

" Surely, under these circumstances, we ought to be 
restrained from present action by the precept of Him 
who spake as never man spoke, that ' sufficient for the 
day is the evil thereof.' " 

Whom can pro-slavery BUCHANAN mean by 
Him who spake as never man spoke ? Why the 
capital H? We know who it was that spoke 
the words quoted by MR. BUCHANAN. But that 
Personage ordered his followers to treat other 
men as they would wish to be treated themselves. 
Unless MR. BUCHANAN would like to be sold 
like a horse, have his wife and children also sold 
away ; to be cow-hided for a small offence with 
all the might of a strong man ; to be the pro- 
perty of another; to be punishable for running 
away from his owner in short to be a slave : 
unless MR. BUCHANAN would like to be that, 
and to suffer all that is implied thereunder, let 
him spare us the humbug of quotations from the 
Gospel, and the farce of spelling the personal 
pronoun signifying its Author with a capital H. 



" The Great Fire of London." 

WE fancy that the City Corporation would 
not so much object to a second Fire of London, 
providing always, and they are alway 
they had to provide the coals for the 



AUSTRIAN PAPER MONEY. 

POOR Austria, her finances are so tight, 
Where she should sky a copper, flies a kite. 



CHRISTMAS AT THE CEYSTAL PALACE. 

WE were told the other day of a Frenchman who had brought his 
wife and family to England that they might spend their Christmas at 
the Crystal Palace. The notion at first struck us as being rather curious, 
but on afterthought we deemed it a most sensible idea. We doubt if 
France, with all her forests, could show a Christmas-tree full sixty feet 
in height ; and we feel quite sure that France, with all its skill in 
cookery, could not boast of such roast beef and mince-pies and plum- 
puddings as it is the privilege of England to produce. We remember 
to have heard of an unlucky fellow-countryman who, being doomed to 
pass a Christmas-day in Paris, devoted all his energies to make sure of 
a plum-pudding ; and who, haying himself purchased all the requisite 
ingredients, felt tolerably easy in his mind for the result. Well, Christmas 
Day arrived, and after a first course of cow beef cut in strips, up came 
the plum-pudding, served in a tureen ; for the cook, not being told to 
boil it in a cloth, had omitted so to do, and thereby turned it into 
soup. 

We can fancy then, the French have but a vague idea of Christmas, 
and we ought clearly not to laugh at them for coming over here to 
get a proper knowledge of it. Nor is the Crystal Palace a bad place 
for the purpose; supposing that the foreigner have no fireside to go to 
where he can learn the meaning of the words "an English home." To 
see the troops of happy children who annually flock there, is not the 
least of all the visual attractions of the place. And besides the mile 
and a half of .toys which are displayed upon the counters (children 
now-a-days are much more blest in this respect than they were when 
we were young and GEORGE THE THIRD was king), and besides the 
comic singers, and the conjurors, and Punch-and-Judys, who alternately 
present themselves to please the infant mind, there is actually this 
year a veritable pantomime, which thoroughly perfects the Christmas 
aspect of the Palace, and renders the enjoyment of the juveniles 
complete. 

Kemembering the pleasant words of SYDNEY SMITH, we may quote 
them as an extra stimulus, if any such be needed, to induce Pater- 
familias to take his children to the Christmas Fete; 

" Mankind are always happier for having been happy ; so that if you make them 
happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of it." 

With this ringing in his ears, what father could refuse to let JIMMY 
and JEMIMA, CAROLINE and CHARLEY, enjoy a Christmas hour or two 
at the Crystal Palace? Summoned by the wand of the fairy-like 
BOWLEY, toys and playthings of all sorts, and suited to all ages, crowd 



the Nave as thickly as the jewel-fruit which dazzled Aladdin in the 
garden where he went in search of the wonderful lamp. For visitors 
who have cut and not yet lost all their sweet teeth, mines of lollipops 
and rock are freshly excavated daily ; while, as a meet contrast to the 
Shadow Pantomime, there is no lack of more substantial Christmas 
cheer for all who seek it. 



POISONED TOYS. 

OP all people the doctors must the most delight in Christmas. At 
no season in the year is there so much good living, and as children, as 
a rule, will over-eat themselves whenever they have the chance, pills 
follow plum-puddings in the natural course of things, and the doctor 
reaps a harvest from the seed sown by the cook. 

But it is not only the surfeiting and stuffing that makes Christmas a 
professionally profitable season. At no time in the year are there 
more new toys distributed, and how provocative of sickness may these 
gifts be in our nurseries is shown by a late writer in the Chemical News. 
His suspicions being excited by the brightness of the green with which 
some playthings in a shop that he was passing had been painted, he 
analysed the colour, and found it was composed of arsenite of copper, 
a preparation not less deadly than arsenic itself. Now playthings, we 
all know, are not meant to eat, but children, as a rule, are very apt at 
times to put them in their mouths, and the brighter the colour the 
more likely is the child to wish to find out how it tastes. Unless a 
father therefore have a mind to be a thorough Borgia to his babies, we 
should advise him when green toys are sent as birthday presents, to 
put them in the fire as quickly as may be, or the chances are that he 
will have to pay a doctor's bill much longer than the mince-pies and 
plum-puddings would have caused, however great had been the juvenile 
indulgence in them. 

Fresh from New York. 

y the Ghost of the Atlantic Telegraph. 

WHAT is a Loafer P 

One who eats the bread of idleness. 



COMPORT OP THE NEW COINAGE. 

THE issue of the new bronze coinage will involve one advantage. 
Professional beggars will now less than ever be justified in assailing 
your ears with" Gentleman, ar yer ar a copper f " 



JANUABY 5, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




W 



ANTED, 

good Utility People. 



THE SLANG OF THE STAGE. 

E think for curiosities of ad- 
vertising literature, next to 
the second column in the lirst 
page of the Times, the best 
column is the last in the lirst 
page of the Era. To readers 
who are not versed in the 
slang 9f the Green-room the 
following may appear a curi- 
ous requirement : 

NEWTHBATRE ROYAL, COltM 
HORN 

FOi 

" Good W i 
MAN. and a Walking 1, 
who can stag pMrerrwlj ; lso, u 
Steady Projwrty nan and Bill 
Deliverer. Other ThMttw. Ad- 
dra the Manager. 

From the wording of this 
notice, the ignorant might, 
fancy that pedest nanism be- 
longed to the theatrical pro- 
fession, and that theatres 
were sometimes the scene of 
walking feats. But we fear 
that were the ignorant to 
inquire of any "call boy" If such really were the case, an answer more or less impertinent 
(and rather more than "less) would be immediately returned, the reply perhaps consisting of 
the mere word " Walker ! " It will be noticed that the male walker is wanted to be " good," 
whereas this quality is not thought an essential for the female. But without dwelling on 
this, we;pas on to another puzzle in the same day's sheet : 

FOOLWICH. THEATRE ROYAL. 

Juvenile Laily ; also, Juvenile Gent, Heavy Man, and one or two 
A liiir salary given for talent. Apply. 

Here we find the lady is required to be "good" and likewise to be "juvenile;" to which 
latter qualification every lady under sixty would of course consider herself entitled to lay 
claim. How far the coming census will be allowed to throw the light of truth on ladies' 
ages, it is not our pleasure just now to inquire. But we think that to apply for a "juvenile 
lady," is almost as superfluous as to require a " female woman ; 
it to ask during the Cattle Show for a "lieavy man," ! *> 
then in the streets. 

The next announcement introduces to our notice a Stage personage whom we have no 
desire to know in real life : 

THEATHE LOYAL, BOREAMINOTON. 
WANTED, a first class SINGING CHAMBERMAID. 

Waits are bad enough, and so are cats and sweeps. But of all the most unmusical, most 
melancholy nuisances wherewith the ears of sleepy sufferer could be nocturnally afflicted, 
commend us or, no, don't commend us to a " Singing Chambermaid," We can conceive no 
greater torment that to hear the " Power of Love*' squalled nightly on the staircase as we 
turned into bed, while "Sally Come Up .'" squealed through the keyhole would wake us out 
of our first sleep. Banjoed, bonesed, and barrel-prganed as we are throughout the day. we 
should go stark staring mtAJanatico per la iiauiea in pitiable truth if when we retired at 
night we were conducted to pur room by a Singing Chambermaid, whose lullaby would 
most effectually prevent our going to rest. As it is, we often spend a night at an hotel (say 
the Star and Garter, Richmond, or the Bedford by the Sea) merely for the purpose of 
escaping the sleep- murderers, who with trombones in their hands infest the London streets. 
But we could no more hope to take our ease at our inn, if the dramatic " Singing Chamber- 
maid " had a place in real life. 

All these specimens of Stage slang we take from the same sheet, and we copy them verbatim 
merely altering the names, as we have not been paid to print them in our paper. With one 
more startling sample we must conclude our list : 

c)P HARMONY, BAWLBORO0GH. 

WANTED, to open on Mon.l.-iy, l >,.,.. tin- ilth, Two good NIGGERS that can dance well, 
a Lady Character Singer, and a Lady Sentimental ; also, a Pianist that can read well. Address. 

To inquire in this way for a Pianist " who can read well" seems like asking for a gardener 
who is a dab at painting, or begging for a butcher who can play the flute. If reading be the 
thing required, why not seek an elocutionist r But this is not half so strange a request as 
the preceding one; that for the good niggers and the brace of ladies who are "wanted to 
open" on the day which is there mentioned. Wanted to open! In the name of LINDLBT 
MURRAY, wanted to open what ? Is it oysters, or box-doors, or " Wonderful Cabinets," that 
these fair ladies and dark gentlemen are " wanted to open ? " Is it stay a horrid thought j 
springs in our frightened brain. " To open " is a neuter verb as well as active. Can it be I 
that these four persons are wanted to oe passive actors in the opening, and that for the 
sake of producing a sensation, some tragedy is going to be played " with real stabs ! ! " 
There is no saying what dodge next will be tried to fill our theatres, and for aught we 
know, there may be a good opening for persons who would every other night, say, undergo 
that operation ; the salary of course varying according as the opening were made with a 
bare bodkin or with a SAyloc&'s knife. 



and just as needless was 
seeing there were none else to be seen 



ITALY'S CHRISTMAS WAITS. 

VF.H ! Christmas comes but once a year 

The happier for their fates, 
Who dread the ills of Christmas bills, 

And don't approve of " Waits." 
There's frost, upon the window-panes, 

Tin-re's snow-storm in the sky, 
\Vliile underneath the blankets 

In vain to sleep I try. 
For worse than saws a-setting, 

Or dogs that bay the moon, 
Those horrid Waits with wheezy flute, 

Crack'd cornet and basoon ! 

Hut let me hug this comfort still, 

There are worse fates than mine : 
"1'is but 'gainst sinzle household's peace, 

(Hir Christmas Waits combine ! 
But, there are Waits across the sea, 

Timl work more wide annoy, 
Whole nations keep on the ym vfae, 

And kingdoms' peace destroy. 

i'.ombalino while her flag 

|Mk France to shield him throws 
A Christmas Wait at Cracta, 

Breaks Italy's repose. 

His dram ecclesiast ical 

The POPE, that holy man, 
A Christmas Wait, keeps beating 

From out the Vatican. 
While ANTOXBLLI fills with breath 

His brazen serpents' round, 
And rattles loud the begging-box 

Where Peter's Pence resound. 
Poor Italy may toss and turn, 

And bid these Waits begone ; 
But still they breed their discord loud, 

And won't move off or on. 

And, last, as if such Waits as these, 

Weren t of themselves enough 
To break the rest of Italy 

With rude alarms and rough 
Comes he, who darkling discord still 

Can find the means to make, 
Who keeps not only Italy, 

But Europe wide awake. 
No Christmas Wait like him who plants 

At Rome his red-legged band, 
Whose tricolor at Gacta 

Helps Bombalino's stand. 



COMPARATIVE PHYSIOGNOMY. 

SUBJOINED is part of an announcement copied 
from a newspaper : 

" HADAXI TOSSADD'S EXHIBITION Now addition. A 
full-length PORTRAIT HOOIL of the murderer WILLIAM 
GODFREY YOOSOMAN U now added to tbe chamber of com- 
parative physiognomy." 

The Chamber of Comparative Physiognomy 
was formerly the Chamber of Horrors. The 
alteration is an improvement. People have 
supped full of horrors, and, it may be hoped, 
have got sick of them. Comparative Anatomy is 
the anatomy of brutes in relation to that of man. 
Comparative Physiognomy is the physiognomy 
of such brutes as the murderer YOUNGMAN in 
contrast with our noble selves. It is a pleasing 
study at least to those whose physiognomy 
differs from that of such gentlemen as the mur- 
derer YOUNGMAN. To profit fully by the oppor- 
tunities of study afforded by the Chamber of 
Comparative Physiognomy, visitors should take 
looking-glasses to that exhibition, and, 
instead of comparing each other with MESSRS. 
Kusu, MANNING & Co., attentively study their 
own features in order to compare them with the 
lineaments of those celebrities. 



KINDRED TIES. Frailty and Humanity. 



10 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 5, 1861. 




A DANGEROUS SITUATION. 

SWELL (with trepidation). "Here! Portal Here! See ine into a First-Class Carriage, there's a yoodfcllaw.'' 



PAUPER HUNTING. 

BURINS hard frost and deep snow, there is nothing to be done in 
the way of field-sports except lark-shooting, which is a puerile amuse- 
ment, and practicable only where the tops of the greens peep through 
the snow, there being elsewhere no larks. Wild ducks may be shot ; 
but wild duck-shooting is rather an aquatic and marine amusement 
than a field sport in this weather, all very well for those who like it, 
but rather too cold work for most people. The only sports that can 
well be enjoyed at present, are of a social character, sucli as hunt-the- 
slipper ; but there is a species of hunting better than that, and capable 
of affording capital pastime. It is the game of Hunt the Pauper. 

Your best plan is to take a clergyman out with you as the keeper of 
the parish which you propose to beat for paupers. His Reverence 
will also do the work of pointer and setter. Two or three stout 
fellows can follow you with loads of ammunition in the shape of cold 
meat, bread and cheese, and other comestibles, and you may also have 
a vehicle at your heels conveying blankets and warm apparel. Pro- 
vided with these essential requisites, you go and beat the Paupers up 
in their covers, if they have any, for some of them will be found lying 
about in the streets. Whenever the parson makes a point, you walk 
up, and as soon as the Paupers get up, pitch in the grub, and wrap 
them over with the flannel. In special cases, under the keeper's 
advice, let fly some of the shot in your locker, making sure of jour 
object. You may as well carry a pocket-pistol loaded with the regular 
Anti-Forbes-Mackenzie charge, to administer to Paupers on the ground 
knocKed up with the cold. 

After a good long day's Pauper Hunting you will eat your dinner 
with a zest which could not be imparted by the King of Oude's Sauce, 
and you will sleep beneath your own warm blankets as sound as a top, 
and better than if you had taken opium enough to narcotise a Chinaman. 

There is very good Pauper Hunting 1o be had in town as well as in 
the country. Out about Shoreditch, and all that way, there are lots of 
Paupers in the slums, besides the preserves called Workhouses, in 
which a little poaching on the sly may be practised with great 
propriety. 



PRESENTS TO MR. PUNCH. 

ME. PUNCH presents his affectionate regards to the donors'of the 
various presents under-mentioned, which have been sent to him this 
Christmas, in recognition of his unparalleled exertions for the good of 
mankind. He makes this public acknowledgement for the good reason 
that the world ought to know how grateful it is for his services, and 
for the better reason, that it saves him the trouble of writing private 
notes. 

Splendid Turkey from **, Yorkshire. 

A ditto from ******, Lincolnshire. (Madam.) 

A (rather small) ditto from Bermondsey. 

A HAUNCH (O !) from we have a good mind to name you weel, dhma be 

skeared. 

A Turkey and a Ham, (and auch a pretty letter) from Ipswich. 
A Ham and a great Scotch Bun from Glasgow. 
Half-a-dozen of Whiskey from Arran. (One broken.) 
A Hamper with Game by G. W. R., but no address. 
Game, from Peterborough, Oswestry, Filby, Hampsteid, Brighton (two ots); 

Carlisle, Southampton (Shirley), Perth, Henley-sur-Taim^-. 
Birmingham, and (uear) Worcester. Pheasants unrecognisable. 
Two Yorkshire Pies, neither from residents in Yorkshire. 
A vast pot of anonymous Char, but we know you. Write. 
A Case of Champagne, from Boulogne upon the Sea. Salut. 
A bottle of Brandy-Cherries, and a box of kisses. 
A pair of elegant skates, but we have given up that kind of starring, JTa. 

COMMISSIONER. 

A statuette of GARIBALDI. (Given where requested, ) 
A thing for holding stewed cheese something omitted. 
A magic lantern and slides. (Mr. Punch's best thanks ) 
A heap of " gift-books" of all the colours in and out of the rainbow. 
A Scotch terrier. (Beautiful, but bites like a beast.) 

Unless Mr. Punch has been robbed anywhere, that is all, up to the 
end of the year. Friends at a distance will please accept this intima- 
tion, and be assured that all has or will be consumed, or divided, in 
the way the donors would wish. 

Bless you, my people ! 

85, Fleet Street, Sec. 31, 1860. 



A CARDINAL VIRTUE THAT THE POFE WANTS. Resignation. 



William rlra.lbury, of No. 1:1, Dnrwr Wobarn PiaM. and Frederick Mullett Enrai, of No. 19. Queen'n Road West, Rsirent's Park, both in the iPariih of St. Pancra*. in the County of 3-lidalfMji, 
f* SiTVBjjAi Jan'ua ' n 3 > ^ l ! Stree1 ' '" "> Pcluct of Whitefriars, in fae Citylof London, and Pooliihs-jlby .the.n at No. 85, Fleet'Street, in the Parish of St. llride, ia tha City ci 



Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 
Printers, "' * l - : - '*"-- 
London 



JANUARY 12, 1861.) 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



11 




TESTATORS ALL ALIVE O! 

UK amiable and decorous 
habit in which certain jour- 
nals indulge, of sending a 
pemiy-a-liner to rummage 
out the Wills of persons 
recently deceased, in order 
to the publication of the 
contents of such documents, 
is now gaining ground so 
fast, that Mr. Punch, ever 
anxious to be a-head of his 
age, has made his own ar- 
rangements for adding a 
new feature to journalism, 
lie proposes to leave it to 
his inferiors to visit Doc- 
tors' Commons, and to take, 
furtively, forbidden notes 
when the jealous clerks 
are not looking, nor has he 
any idea of making surrep- 
litinus arrangements with 
needy officials to sell information which they have no right to part 
with. He, according to his custom, takes a bolder course. He 
intends to furnish to an eager public particulars concerning Wills 
while the Testators are still alive. For this purpose, he has organised 
a staff of reporters, whom he means to call the Paul Pry Brigade, and he 
flatters himself that their researches into private papers will enable 
him to gratify the world, in the same way as, but in a much more 
exciting degree than his Will-puhlishinpr contemporaries do. He 
submits a few specimens of what the Paul Pry Brigade has already 
accomplished. If it be objected that this is an unwarrantable imperti- 
nence, and a vulgar meddling with the affairs with which the public 
has nothing to do, he begs to leave the defence of the system to his 
contemporaries, who originated it. 

WILLS. 

We are happy to announce that JKRKMTAH HUMBLE JUMBLE, Eso, 
of the Regent's Park, has at last been induced to make his Will. It 
was executed on Tuesday, in the presence of his maid-servant, and 
J". SMITH, greengrocer and occasional waiter at. private parties. We 
think he ought to have done more for MRS. HUMBLE JUMBLE, who may 
have her faults, and whose teeth are certainly false (we do not believe 
that she paints), but, who ought to have had the bulk of his property. 
He gives her only 800 a year, and adds the cowardly condition, that 
if she remarries, she is to have but 400. The rest of his estate goes 
to his so-called nephew, WOBBLETON WILK.S, of the War Office, who 
may be said to be in luck, and who will now, we hope, pay his unfor- 
tunate tailors (we use the plural advisedly), and take his grandmother's 
watch out of pawn. There are a few legacies, but ME. HUMBLE 
JUMBLE does not appear to us to have one of those hands described 
by our immortal Bard, we refer to the sweet Swan of Avon, as open 
to melting charity, for his cousin the tallow-chandler gets nothing, and 
though he is in the habit of talking a good deal about the poor, we have 
reason to believe that there are few bequests to the excellent institutions 
with which our noble Metropolis is so plentifully studded. He leaves 
50 to the Zoological Gardens, perhaps from his admiration of the 
manners of the bears, and 50 to the Society for Relief of Complaints 
of the Ear, which his friends playfully say is but right, considering 
what an awful bore he is. On the whole, we cannot think that this 
Will does the testator much credit, but he has yet -time to amend it 
by a codicil. Ferbum sap. 

MRS. LTJSHINGTON BLACK BOTHERBY'S Will has been made more 
than two years, but owing to the unfortunate incorruptibility of her 
lady's maid, we regret to say that we have not yet been able to obtain 
a sight of it, though we know that it is kept in the lid of her dressing- 
case. But we have secondary evidence of its contents, and shall not 
he a hundred miles from the fact, if we say that, a certain handsome 
Captain in a crack regiment will not be so grateful to the "old girl" 
as he gives his brother officers reason to think he ought to be. 
MRS. B. has been lending a favouring ear to the unctuous addresses of 
an elegant divine whose chapel is within easy reach of her house at 
Peckham, and though we nil know that the clergy scorn personal 
bei|Ui'st?, the KEY. OKIGEN BANG may not be displeased to know that 
if he likes to rebuild St. Vitus's, he will in due time be able to do so, 
mid if not, he may apply 5000 according to his own discretion. The 
lady does not intend to "die and endow a college or a cat," but she 
presents a handsome sum to a retired housekeeper, who is to take charge 
of a favourite parrot (we hope that we do not intrude into private 
matters in stating that its name is "BOBBY") and is to hear it say, 
" Twinkle, twinkle, little star," every Sunday, and we may also add, 
that the respectable tradesman who supplies MBS. B. with her false 
hair will find something beyond the amount of his bill set down for him. 



LIEUTENANT BI.ARER BLA/.PS, R N., Ramsgate, has long been in 
such a state of brandy-and-wnter that liis friends who know his gouty 
tendencies have been affectionate!* anxious that he should make his 
Will. But his confirmed habit of shying the boiling tea-kettle at any- 
body who makes him a suggestion has somewhat, interfered with their 
pressing this consideration UIKHI him. llovevi-r, on \V. dnesday last 
he had a bad touch, and his Doctor liavii ir pui every missile out of 
reach of the gallant and crippled Lieutenant, told him what his friends 
thought. As soon as the lorrent of sea-eloquence which burst out in 
full flow had subsided, LIEUT. BI.A/.KS relieved his niiud with a few 
supplementary execrations, and, addressing his medical attendant by 
the affectionate title of a slimy old lubber, ordered him to note down 
heads for a Will. It was brief, and gave everything to the Royal 
Naval College, except 100 to the Doctor, and 500 to a lady of Ports- 
mouth, whose alias it might be imprudent to disclose. The Will was 
duly made, and the Lieutenant has sat upon it ever since: but as it 
dpes not exactly harmonise with the views of the testator s next of 
kin, we believe that efforts will be made to withdraw it from under 
him. Should these succeed, our readers shall be informed. There are 
whispers of a duplicate Will, in which case the exertions of the 
relatives may not meet with the reward they deserve. 

MBS. SAMUEL SOFTHEAD, widow, formerly MADEMOISELLE ALICAM- 
FANE, of the theatres, has just made her Will, which she had long, 
from superstitious motives, refused to do, but to which she has been 
driven by the unmistakeable commands of some Spirit-Rapping with 
which she has lately been much troubled. Her numerous bequests 
would occupy too large a space in our columns for us to give them at 
length, but the public has a right to know that one who formerly 
earned her living on the boards has not been quite unmindful of the 
companions of her youth. To MR. SPLUTTER, the celebrated tragedian, 
she gives a ring, and the same to MR. SINNEWS, the well-known 
harlequin. She bequeathes 100 to the Epicurean Club, to buy a 
picture, in memory of the fact that standing on its steps, out of the 
rain, she first met the late MR. SAMUEL SOFTHEAD, who offered her 
his umbrella that day and his heart the next. She gives three 
dozen of her best brandy to an eminent dramatic author, with 
her French dictionary, and a complete edition of the Theatre 
Paritien. The rest ot her legacies are to persons whom she play- 
fully calls "My Toads," and for whom she says she will find holes 
during the rest, of their lives. We do not know, and therefore cannot 
say, whether the fashionable DR. BOUOH CROUCHBR will like being 
included in this list, but a plaster of 500 may reconcile that worthy 
disciple of GALEN to the title "What's in a name?" as the lady her- 
self would say. She gives all her physic bottles, many hundreds in 
number, to her maid, PHOJBE JONES, and her wigs to Miss OGLETOS, 
of the Royal Amethyst Theatre. We are happy to add, for the 
information of the public, that MRS. 8. is very well, that her signature 
is distinct, and that the only orthographic error in a codicil, in her own 
hand, is that in naming Ma. SCRAPES, her corn-cutter, she calls him 
that palarvering old cheer-up-odist. 



SECESSION AND SLAVERY. 

SECEDE, ye Southern States, secede, 

No better plan could be, 
If you of Niggers would be freed, 

To set your Niggers free. 
Runaway slaves by federal law 

At present you reclaim ; 
So from the Union straight withdraw, 

And play the Free Soil game. 

What, when you've once the knot untied, 
Will bind the Northern men ! 

And who 'II resign to your cowhide 
The fugitives again F 

Absquotilate, then, slick as grease, 
.And break up Unity, 

Or take your PRESIDENT in peace, 
And eat your humble pie. 

But, if your stomachs proud disdain, 

That salutary meal, 
And you, in passion worse than vain, 

Must, rend the Commonweal, 
Then all mankind will jest and scoff 

At people in the case, 
Of him that hastily cut off 

His nose to spite his face. 



TUB SMALLEST or GERMANS. The infamous servility of the Saxon 
Government, in giving up TELEKI to the Austrian tyrant, mokes us 
half ashamed of the name of Anglo-Saxon. 



12 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUAHT 12, 1861. 




LATEST IMPORTATION IN SWEETS. 

BAHAT LAHKOUM, OB LUMPS OF DELIGHT ! 



SAXON LAW IN CANADA. 

WHAT a pity it is that magnetic connection between England and 
North America remains to be established. It is much to be wished 
that the wire destined to unite the Mother Country and her American 
Colonies were at the bottom of the sea, in its new coat of SILVER'S 
India-rubber, and in working order j for then the Canadian Govern- 
ment might be rescued from the imminent peril of undertaking 
a load of infamy as heavy and as noisome as that which crushes 
and befouls the Court of Saxony. It is a fact that two British 
American Judges, CHIEF JUSTICE ROBINSON and JUSTICE BURNS, 
Judges of the Canadian Court of Queen's Bench, have actually 
decided for the extradition of ANDERSON, the man of colour who 
stabbed a fellow named SENECA T. P. DIGGES pursuing #nd trying 
to capture him as a fugitive slave in Missouri, more than seven years 
ago. ANDERSON killed this villain in self-defence, and ROBINSON 
and BURKS would surrender him as a murderer! These men at 
present two of HER MAJESTI'S Judges virtually recognise the 
legality of slavery in disallowing the right of an escaped slave to 
dtfend his liberty. They have decided for delivering up this mulatto 
to miscreants who, if they get him, will probably burn him alive with 
green wood. 

JUSTICE M'LEAN has kept his ermine sweet and clean. He dissented 
from the monstrous opinion of his colleagues, on the ground that the 
evidence against the accused was insufficient. An appeal was applied 
for by ANDKHSON'S Counsel; and the case may ultimately be brought 
before the Privy Council in England, which, it is enough to say, among 
its members includes LORD BROUGHAM. The Colonial Government 
may thus be saved from detiling itself with the abomination of Saxony. 
But then, on the other hand, the application for an appeal may fail, and 
ANDERSON may be soon writhing and roasting in a slow fire, whilst 
Missourian savages are yelling and dancing around the stake. 

Were the submarine wire now extending between the Home and 
Canadian Governments, the unhappy man might, by a flash of tele- 
graphic lightning, be saved from the clutches of the infuriated fiends 
to whom he may be consigned by the sentence of CHIEF JUSTICE 
ROBINSON and the other Justice, ominously named BURNS. In one of 
its senses the word Tradition means treason. If anything in the 
ireaty of ixtradition with the United States warrants the doom which 
those judges have pronounced on ANDERSON, then is extradition, in so 
tar, a word that means extraordinary treason, and the diplomatists who 
conceded it were traitors of the deepest dve. 



HERE WE ABE ! 

(CLOWN'S CHRISTMAS'CAROL.) 

HERE, once more, kind friend?, we meet ; 
One and all of you I greet 

With a pleasure that's beyond expression, far ;' 
What a year of dark and wet 
We have had since last we mer, 
It has been severe, but yet ; 

Here we are! 

Some astronomers do say, 
Summer's heat from orb of day' 

That a mass of meteoric ice did bar ; 
Whether that was so or not,; 
If I know, may I be shot ; 
But I say, I tell you what : 

Here we are ! 

Under cloudy skies and showers, 5 
With the worst of reigning powers, ' 

We have seen brave fellows wage victorious war : 
GARIBALDI made the son 
Of old BOMHA cut and run ; 
There 'a the POPE, too, nearly done : 
Here we are ! 

Leaving Italy and Rome, 

Now suppose we look at home, "" 

Where sweet Freedom we've preserved like jam in jV 
For our liberty some fears 
Being whispered in our ears, ; 
With a host of Volunteers, 

Here" we are ! 

Some have tried to brew a storm ; 
On the subject of Reform, 

But they couldn't raise the wind, for all the ki/ar. 
Quite sufficient for the day 
Was the Treaty, and for aye 
Rising Income-Tax to pay, 

Here we are ! 

We've been thrashing the Chinese, '] 
For the sake of cheaper teas, 

Which have cost us many a soldier, many a lar. 
An Ambassador, Pekin 
May we soon have living in, 
To tell every Mandarin : 

Here we are ! 

Then the heir of England's QTJKEN 
Through America has been 

Cheered like victor on sublime triumphal car, 
Home again, in spite of gales 
Which were adverse to your sails, 
Hail, my bonny PRINCE OF WALES, 
Here we are ! 

For the present, here are we, 
And I wish we here may be 

In the number of our years above Old PARR ; 
But, away when we have gone, 
May Old .England still hold on, 
Shouting, ever and anon, 

Here we are ! 



THE PETTICOAT EMPIRE. 

IT is confidently asserted that the visit with which the EMPRESS 
EUGKNIE honoured this country in 1860 will be repeated in 18GL. In 
anticipation of this felicitous event, the linendrapers of England are 
organising a subscription with a view to the presentation of a testi- 
monial to her Imperial Majesty, together with an appropriate address, 
setting forth the gratitude entertained by the trade towards the 
EMPRESS OF THE FRENCH and the Fashions, for having ordained the 
wearing of dresses which require, to make them, three times as many 
yards as could possibly be allowed, by any regard to comfort, economy 
and elegance, united with any sense of the ridiculous. 



A. NOTE AND QUERY FOR KING THWAITES. 

WE want to know (and the bearer waits for an answer) if your Sub- 
terranean and Serene Majesty could inform us whether a Sewer derives 
any particular gratification, when it's being diverted? 



JANUARY 12, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



13 




CONSOLATION. 

Emily (to rejected Subs). ".IT'S VERY DISAGREEABLE, CERTAINLY,' TO BE UNSUCCESSFUL IN TOUR EXAMINATIONS, AND so KANT 



TIMES, TOO; BUT I SHOULD WORK HARD AND TRT AGAIN." 

Younger and much too sharp Brother. "NEVER YOU MIND, CHARLEY! 
YOU!" 



IT PROVES THAT THERE'S NO WANT OF PLUCK ABOUI 



THE WOKKING-MAN'S CRIB AND HIS CLUB. 

" MR. PUNCH, 

" As a britlish Publican I inwoke you to punch the eds of 
them there sarm-smiters which is a rendern of theirselves obnockslms 
hereabouts by injury to Bisnis. 2 year ago a lot o blessed benevolent 
beggars with that are ADELINE COOPER wun of the Nitingal sort took 
and bort hup the Wun Tun witch it was wunce a sellybrated Ouse of 
Call for Theaves aud turud it into a tteged Scoole. Now theaveses 
munny is as good as Hany Hutlier and no reson wy i shud be robed of 
my custumers. Whereas now the same Sett not content with their 
Raged scool, Day, hevenins, Sunday Scools, Muthers' Mectin, Ragged 
Church, and band of Gap, bredin up the young uns in temperance and 
Chastity which is kevite enuff injurous to Trade, they've Now bin and 
Started a consarn called ' The Working Men's Club ' witch i Coppy 
the title from a Anbill. Them tuther institooslmns afected honly the 
Kidds and the Wimmin but this here un's ment to ketch the Menn. 
"1'is to be a Clubb and Reedin lloom, comojus and wentilated and all 
that with the ixpres Vu of makin hof it as cumfertable as the Public 
Ouses. There that shows the sperrit that's at the botum of it. 
They 've got a comitty of wurkin Menu a dozen of 'em wot manidges 
the Afairs of the Clubb. The scripshun is only one apeny a Weak to 
sute the puverty of the districk witch the Clubbus is in Duke Lane 
Vestminster, hopposite Old Pye street. Theyve got a Libery, daly 
and weakly Papers punch among em I dessay. Lecters is to be give 
there they cums the Morral and Sientiffic Dodge, to Improve the 
Temporal and spiritial condishun of the poor. There's no less than 
Six Public Ouses alreddy in the Immediate naburood which perwides 
it with Sperrits ; and there 's too more to be opend but wot for if they 
are to be cut Hout by this ere Wurkin Menu's Clubb and lledin Room 
Hopen hevery Hevenin in Duck Lane Sundays included witch for hany 
public places excep Public Ouses to be hopen on Sunday is allowed by 
Parliment to be a Desiccation of the Sabbath. 

" Now Mr. Punch I ope as the publican's friend you '11 set your 



Face agin this here Workin Menn's Clubb. The necessary Funds for 
to cary lion the tame is not all subscribed Yett tho moast on it is. 
That are old Spuny the MAKKIS o VESTMINSTER guv 80 pound and 
Luther Knobs ave cum forrad aud down with the Dust. But unlest 
the Workin Menn sports it in coarse the thing wil go to Smash ; so 
just you Pitch into it will ycr like a good feller. Tell em to dispjze 
imitatin the Swels, with their garricks and Reforms and conservalivs 
and Rags and Fammishes and its yure opinyun there 's nut hin for tlie 
wurkin Menn like the good old public ouse where e can heat is tripe 
and Smoak is pipe and tiple is nogin of beer gin or wot not, and rede 
the Papers into the Bargin, until e reads 'em dubble, and so go ome 
cumfable to the buzzum of is Fammaly. But has for Workin Menus 
Clubbs wot's to be ixpected of Clubbs but the Means for Wurkin 
Menn to Bete their Wives. Explane that there to 'em Mr. Punch and 
oblidge yure dilidgent and obeadiant reeder, 
" The Slums Vesminster Jan. 1861." " PHIL. POTTS." 

" P.S. As lessee of one of the public puses goin to be opend again 
the Opposishuu Shopp I see they 're a goin to suply corfy et settrer 
cost prise at that Hinstitooshun. I wunder if et settrer menes beer, 
good and cheap. Give 'em that at Wurkin Menus Clubs, and they'll 
shut us up in no time. Hif they does that we "re flumoxd ! " 



Two Hints. 

O STATES of the West, do relinquish your maggots, 
Keep bound fast aud tight, like the bundle of Faggots, 
The more that no faggots (or smaller or bigger) 
Will be wanted for burning our prisoner, your Nigger. 
PUNCH. 

"A GLOWING PERIOD." One of WISCOUNT VILLIAMS'S, such as 
would have the effect of setting the Thames on fire onjy we suspect 
a period like that will be very far distant, indeed. We will wait. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 12, 1861. 



' 



THE PEASANT'S PETITION. 

THE PETITION OP THE BRITISH' PEASANT TO TUB BRITISH LANDLORD 
HUMBLY COMPLAINING SHOWETH UNTO YOUR HONOUR, 

THAT Your Petitioner having ventured upon the liberty (for which h 
hopes to be pardoned) of having peeped into the Stables of You 
Honour (but, he solemnly declares, with no evil intentions, and h 
would not take an oat without leave) lias perceived that if Thought 
Sense, and Kindness were ever manifested towards Animals, it i 
in Your Honour's Stables aforesaid. 

That the Residence in which your Honour humanely places you 
Horses, is well built, water-tight, and well ventilated, is excellently 
floored, and has an excellent supply of water, that its drainage i; 
perfect, and its light cheerful, and that the creature that cannot livi 
contentedly therein must be a Beast. 

That the Arrangements for the health and comfort of your Honour's 
Horses seem to your Petitioner perfect, and designed to make the 
Animals happy when at home, and fit when they come out to per 
form any amount of work which your Honour may call on them 
to do. 

That (contrary to the arrangements in Your Petitioner's dwelling 
begging pardon for mentioning such a place) Separate places art 
provided for your Honour's Horses, so that they sleep apart, anc 
are in no way detrimental to one another. 

That Your Petitioner, knowing the kindness of Your Honour's nature, 
as shown by this provision, and by hundreds of other acts of Your 
Honour's, not to speak of Your Honour's Lady, and the Young 
Ladies (all of whom he humbly wishes a Happy New Year, if he 
may be so bold), takes the liberty to believe that Your Honour cannol 
know that Your Petitioner's cottage, on Your Honour's estate, 
is badly built, is not, drained, has no ventilation, has a rotter 
floor, and is so cold that in the winter the only way Your 
Petitioner and his family can keep bodies and souls together is by 
Huddling together, Adult-s, Children, Grown-up Lads and Girls, 
all together in one wretched bedroom, out of which they come 
half-poisoned by the foul air, not to offend your Honour's delicacy 
by saying anything more than that they are good for far less work 
than could otherwise be got out of them. 

Your Petitioner therefore, for himself, his wife, four grown-up children, 
and five little ones, 

Humbly prayeth unto Your Honour, 
THAT YOU WILL BB GRACIOUSLY PLEASED TO TREAT HIM 

LIKE A HORSE. 
And your Petitioner will ever Pray and Work, &c., &c. 



A LAMENT OF THE SEASON. 
BY AN OLD BOY. 

I'M sick of Transformation scenes, 

All gold and silver foil, 
Blue fire and clustered ballet-girls, 

And sinks and flies and toil ; 
I 'm sick of trees that open, 

And temples that expand, 
And flowers as big as warming-pans 

I 'm sick of fairy-land ! 

1 used to think when I was young, 

That fairy-land was fair ; 
But now 1 know 'tis tinsel all, 

With red-fire fumes for air ; 
A land of traps and pit-falls 

A land of sloats and stays, 
And scruto-work and profiling, 

And shivering coryphees. 

Where are the joys of Pantomime 

I knew in days of yore ? 
The poker-hot the butter -slide 

The Clown laid at, the door, 
That shopmen bland and affable 

Might o'er him tumble down 
The murdered babe, whose body 

Was sat on by the Clown P 

Then Columbine was something 

Surpassing mortal grace ; 
And Harlequin bore mystery, 

Writ on his vizored face. 



Clown's pockets had no bottom ; 

His grin passed humour's bounds ; 
For mirth and wit, his " Here we are ! " 

Was first of human sounds ! 

How changed is all ! The mystic four, 

With scared and shrunken mien, 
Limp lamely in to justify 

A Transformation scene. 
The down-trod Clown some slaps and cull's, 

Still timidly essays, 
But sins and steals and slays no more, 

As in the early days. 

The magic 's gone from Columbine, 

A dancer takes her place ; 
The mystery of Harlequin 

Is fled he shows his face, 
And, oh could BARNES'S ghost reseek 

The glimpses of the moon, 
What would it say to what we see 

By way of Pantaloon P 

That weary introduction, 

Half ballet, half burlesque, 
Those monster masks, those painful puns, 

Most grave, when most grotesque ; 
That crowd of poor short-coated girls, 

That feeble fairy queen, 
And worst of all inflictions, 

That Transformation scene ! 

Oh, scene-painters oh, carpenters- 
Oh, managers, forbear ! 

I 've seen your flowers, your fountains, 
Your castles in the air, 

Your slowly opening aloes, 
Your widely-spreading trees 

Your girls in all positions 
.Excepting " stand at ease." 

Your gold and silver tinsel, 

Your foil and whirling wheels, 
Your fires of hue red green or blue, 

Till my poor brain-pan reels, 
One transformation trick alone 

Is left, and that, I ween, 
Is (-0 transform, by leaving out, 

Your Transformation scene. 




Latest from Lambeth. 

' ' By the treaty of Tien-tain tho Chinese Indemnity is fixed at eight million taols." 

Now, will it be believed that, on reading this, the Viscount imagined 
hat these taels were actually pigtails, and, with true commercial mind, 
egan to calculate the cost of shipping them to England, and the effect 
"hich they would hare when thrown upon the hair market. 



Turks and Traitors. 

THE Sublime Porte, in 1849, refused to deliver up the Polish and 

niSP'l refu & ees to tue vengeance of the EMPEROE OP AUSTRIA. 

the Government of Saxony surrendered COUNT TELEKI to 

urry favour with the KAISER. What a contrast between sublimity 

net baseness ! The distance between Saxony and the Sublime Porte 

roves that the Sublime does not always border on the .Ridiculous. 



JANUARY 12, 1861.] 



PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



19 



LA GL01IIE AND LA CRINOLINE. 

IN the Times' account of the launch of The Warrior there occurs the 
subjoined passage relative to her rival, La Gloire . 

" The speed of la Oloirc has been st-itcd to be twelve knots. Now, if the statc- 
mcnt of one ufhiT officers Is to bf '. too, thoroughly*. 

with her engines), the utmost peed that baa boon obtained from ber him been short 
knot*, and nt this speed the vibration of the stern wiis so considerable, 
that it was evident tho armour plate* would all work loose if it wag long maintained. 
Nino and a half to tun knots an hour is stated to be her utmost average speed, and 
this must bo considered as a high rate for a ship of >uch size and weight. None 
attempt to deny tho fact that in a Ma-way La Oloirt roll* almost dangerously. In 
fact, all iron-clad frigate* must roll slowly and deeply, if in their construction 
eypuciiil pains are not takcu to yuard agaiust such a delect." 

La Oluire ought to be a caution, as our American friend* say, to all 
iron-clad frigides ; and especially to La Crinoline. The speed of La 
Crinoline is seriously diminished by the extensive ribs of metal which 
constitute the framework of her iron-bound sides. Especial pains must 
be taken with the construction of her iron clothing, to prevent her from 
rolling in a dangerous manner, or at least to counteract her disposition 
to roll as she floats along. Otherwise we shall certainly have her, one 
of these fine days, wriggling all her iron-works loose, to the derision of 
the beholders, in consequence of the vibration for which she is as 
remarkable as La Oloire. 



ANOTHER SHADOW PANTOMIME. 

IN reward for having been an exceedingly good boy, and especially 
for having shown such virtuous self-denial as to decline ' on Christmas 
Day a fourth helping of plum-pudding, MASTER SM-TH (the name may 
be familiar (o our readers, but still we do not feel ourselves at liberty 
to publish it) was last week taken as a treat by his benevolent Papa to 
see the Shadow Pantomime at the Crystal Palace. Being strongly 
impressed with the wonders he beheld there, and having like most boys 
an imitative disposition, MASTER SM-TH, on coining home, determined 
to get up a shadow pantomime himself, and to exhibit it upon the 
boards, or walls, of his own nursery. Appointing MASTER J-N-S his 
machinist and stage carpenter, and MASTER BB.-WN his gasfitter, pro- 
perty-man and prompter (which three offices, there being neither gas 
nor prompting, and but very little property, that young gentleman was 
deemed fully competent to fill), MASTER SM-TH reserved the heavier 
labours to himselt, and undertook, with the assistance of his sister and 
the baby, to do the scene-painting and managing, and to write the 
piece. The pen-work being considered quite a secondary matter, it 
will of course be left to be knocked off at the last moment, in the 
manner now adopted on the modern stage ; the usual plan requiring, 
for the guidance of the dresser, the author to sketch roughly two or 
three of the chief characters, having a due eye to the state of the 
wardrobe, so as not to put the management to unnecessary expense. 

The piece not being yet enough advanced for a rehearsal, we are 
unable of course to give an accurate account of it. So far as we 
can learo, the Introduction, in accordance with the fashion of late years, 
will partake less of pure pantomime than of 
broad burlesque. One of the scenes, we 
hear, will be laid on Ramsgate pier, where 
Miss SM-TII was last season nearly carried 
out to sea, owing to a stiff Sou' Wester 
which was blowing, and which inflated her 
stiff petticoat like the top of a balloon. A 
small skye terrier that was with her had 
his hair blown over his eyes so that he could 
not see, and had not his mistress taken him 
in her arms, there is reason to believe he 
would have walked over the side, and come 
to what a farce-writer has termed a watery 
bier. 

The unities of time and place will apparently 
be set quite at defiance by the author, for in the 
following scene a shadow-slide is shown upon 
the pavement, and from Ramsgate in the 
dog-days we lind ourselves transported to London in mid-winter. A great 
effect is here expected to be caused by the sudden apparition of an awful 
Beadle (father of Columbine, and 
changed to Pantaloon), who, emerging 
round a corner, puts to flight the 
sliders, but being far too fat to run, 
can only strike a tragic attitude, and 
bid the boys "behoff!" 

The harlequinade of course will be 
full of life and bustle, and will contain 
the usual hits at passing follies and 
events. One of the scenes, we under- 
stand, will represent a juvenile party, 
where the guests, although they'll 

come like shadows, and even so depart, mun , bo , ; tu n,boy ; .harp., needle, 
will apparently be feasted with a most or you -a catch it from the 




5t~j 



Sistrr Anne and poor Doer Tray ; 
Aren't they nearly blown away ? 





substantial supper, and be stuffed with sickening sweet things as they 
are in real life. The silly fashion too of treating them to actual 
champagne will be shadowed forth in all its 
darkest colours ; and a doctor with a Brob- 
dignaglike black dose in his hand will rise by 
war of warning, in the middle of the banquet, 
unfolding as a scroll, the label to the bottle, 
"Coming eventi cait their thadoia before." An 
attempt too. will be made to take off the pre- 
posterous absurdities of dress wherewith, when 
they go visiting, children often now are tortured : 
for MASTER SM-TH declares that what with short 
Lime G^in Crinoiiae, frocks and with Crinoline the little girls at his 

Llk..T.elotuU.e.n. Jast ,0;^ j ooke( J g(? much ^ tgetotUDtt that 

he scarcely could restrain himself from giving them a twizzle. 
Another scene is laid in a photographic studio, where Clown gets his 

so-called likeness taken, and as it is not a bit like him lie declares, by 

pantomime, that he will not pay for it. The 
artist," as he calls himself, threatens by dumb 

show that he will send for a policeman, whereat 

Clown appears alarmed, intimates that artist 

may make another trial, and be paid for both. 

Artist hides his head in his camera obscura, 

and no sooner has he done so than Clown 

gives him a " bonneter " and bolts out of the 

studio, while Pantaloon who has been pouching 

all the " portraits " in the place, hoists them on 

a gibbet, and proclaims they are HIGH ART." 

The silhouettes which MASTER SM-TU has per- 
mitted us to publish, will afford the world some 

notion of his shadow pantomime, which with the 

modesty of authors, he quite expects will throw all rivals in the shade. 
These silhouettes, he tells us, are all done by 
his own hand, but we believe that it was 
guided by that of his big sister. We reserve 
the boldest of them for the last, and as the 
sketch speaks for itself, we need only say 
this more for it, that it represents a street 
scene towards the finish of the pantomime, 
and pictures the occurrence of a small do- 
mestic incident which will at once be recog- 
nised as being true to life, detection and 
the usual street scrimmage will ensue: and 
as a bonneted policeman is generally sure to 
make a pantomime succeed, we doubt not 
MASTER SM-TB'S will be abundantly success- 
ful, and when all the shadow characters have 
danced their final shadow-dance, the curtain 
will descend upon a blaze of triumph, and 

the pantomime will be pronounced (by him) the " best of the season," 

as every pantomime in London every season is. 




Uere'i an AnUt who is 

111 inn. 
To lake Clown's Portrait 

for a ShUlln. 




Here you lee Policeman Glutton 
Walking off with Pa'i Cold 
It at ton. 



AS DIFFERENT AS BLACK AND WHITE. 

THB following correspondence has resulted from the President's 
message : 

i. 

"Mtu'r Leegreifi, Old Svanp Plantation, Mobile. 
"MAS'R BUCHANAN, 

"Dey tell me you link 'the Matrons of de South' am berry 
nervous 'bout de abolition of niggahs. Now, bein' de moderob twelve 
fine darkies, I tink I is 'cidedly a Matron ob de South an' I 'sure you 
nedder I nor Aunt JUNO, who am de moder ob fifteen, nor no matron 
on dia ere plantation, don't feel nohow nervous 'bout de Abolition of 
N iggahs. " Your 'feckshnate, 

s Two Mafr Prttideat, Wathinton." " AUNT SALLT." 

JL 
"MADAM. " White ffoiae, WaMngton, 

"On consideration, it might, I think, have been as well to say 
the white Matrons. " Yours, 

" Mrs Sally, Old Svtamp." " JAMES BUCHANAN." 

"OldSteamf. 

" Golly, MAS'R BUCHANAN, I tink so too. 
" Mafr Preiident, WatUnto." " AUNT SALLY." 



A Surplus for Poor Parson*. 

THE Puseyite Clergy have, we understand, adopted a resolution on 
the subject of Vestments, which will remove a cause of much heart- 
burning. They have agreed to sacrifice the surplices which they have 
been wont to wear in the pulpit, by sending them to the Poor Clergy 
Relief Society, to be cut up into shirts for necessitous clergymen. 



20 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 12, 1861. 




JOCOSE FIEND. "Ah, Sir, you was wery iicarlij doum that time/' 1 ' 



FRANCE AND THE FASHIONS. 

WE wonder whether, now that one can go to France without a pass- 
port, EDWIN will more often be asked by ANGELINA to take her over 
to Paris to see what, the new fashions are, whether bonnets are worn 
spoon-shaped or a I'ecaille d'huitre, whether Crinoline shows any symp- 
tom of decay, and whether flounces maybe added to hide creases in 
the skirts. The Queen of Fashion clearly holds her Court in Paris, 
and thither must her votaries month by month repair to learn what 
it may please her to order them to wear. How omnipotent her sway 
is everybody knows, but we own we had not learnt until a recent 
writer taught us that sentiment and fashion go sometimes hand in 
hand, and friendship is displayed with the show of a new toilet. This 
at least we take for granted from this interesting passage in the Illus- 
trated Neus, and we so much value the knowledge it imparts that we 
will not censure the mild pun with which it opens : 

"Of all the Paris fashions the most Parisian is the custom of wishing a ' Hapnv 
New Year,' a ceremony which trenches far upon the month of January, and renders 
that month remarkable for demonstrations of toilet and friendly sentiment." 

The compliments of the season are doubtless different in France to 
what they are with us. In England one is satisfied with wishing you 
5 Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year;" whereas in Paris 
doubtless the proper thing to do when one makes a morning call upon 
the Jjirst of January is to forge some well-turned compliment upon the 
sit of one s friend s dress, or to say that her new bonnet most charm- 
ingly becomes her. As ladies go to church to show off their new 
linenes, so m France they call on friends for a purpose not dissimilar 
oucU visits are no doubt productive of some pleasure, or they would 
not be persisted in. Indeed the female mind delights in giving cause 
for envy and if MADAME GROS DB NAPLES can but feel that her new 
plumage has left a pang of jealousy in some few of her bosom friends, 
she would doubtless view her morning as by no means an ill- 
spent one. 

[t is, however, somewhat curious to note with what precision the 
writers on the fashions know what is right to wear and how imperious 
on the point are the mandates of the miliners. We suppose that no 
one even in the first society would ever dare to dress herself except by 
their advice, or in any way to act against the regulations following : 

"The New Tear's visits of 1861 are to be paid in neat and quiet costume both as 
regards dresses and bonnets. The former must be new and the latter sh The 
stuff, now generally adopted for winter wear are robe, de fantalie plain or brocaded" 
the superior qualiUes of poplin are also in favour. Merinos are almost entirely di^ 
carded for the present season, on account of their flaccidity." 

Ladies with scant pin-money or parsimonious husbands, and who 
may not have a "new "dress and "fresh" bonnet in their wardrobes, 
must not dream this season of paying New Year's calls, but must sit 
and sigh at home in unfashionable wretchedness. With regard how- 
ever to bonnets we are not sorry to learn that : 

now sufficiently irregular to allow room for the 
most important requirements for a chapeau are 
-'on of the face, not add to the years of the 



we have conceived that ladies dressed entirely by the dictates of their 
milliners, and were not allowed to exercise their private taste and 
judgment. The proper thing to do was to walk into a shop, and 
having there learnt what was worn, unquestioning to order it. No 
matter if the fashion were suitable or not to her peculiar person, every 
lady, we supposed, was held bound to conform to it. Upon no oilier 
ground at, least could we comprehend the fact of the wondrously ill- 
chosen and ill-suiting dresses seen here. But now we joy to learn, as I 
far as bonnets are concerned, ladies will be suffered to display their | 
own good taste, and we may depend that they will soon look all the 
prettier for it. We have long considered it an insult to their intellect ' 
that they should submit to the caprices of their dressmakers. And as 
for their requiring to be told what are the "most important, require- 
ments for a chapeau," (why can't the man say "bonnet?") trust a 
woman for insisting that her bonnet should sit well, and not make her 
look older one whit than she can help it. 

One other brief extract, and we have done for the present with this 
interesting subject : 

" We must briefly allude to the new petticoat, the jupon multiple as it is very pro- 
perly called, for it may be made to take the dimensions of two, three, four, or five j 
petticoats, as occasion may require, although but cue article of dress. For this it is 
only necessary to add or take away so many layers of muslin, which can be attached 
or abstracted with the greatest facility." 

A petticoat which is capable of expansion to the size of four or even 
five, must be viewed as an alarming article of dress. Who knows but 
that ladies before (ping to a party might conspire with one another to 
enter somewhat limp, and gradually to swell out as the evening 
advanced ? Conceive the consternation of the male people assembled 
on finding themselves more and more squeezed up and blockaded, with- 
out any perceptible addition to the company. If the jvpon multiple be 
patronised in England (and, if popular in Paris, it is pretty sure to be 
so) we shall expect to hear that ladies when they issue invitations will 
specify precisely the exact amount of Crinoline they wish their guests 
to wear, so as to fill their rooms and not to overcram them. If this result 
i be gained we shall certainly be tempted to give praise to this new pet- 
j ticoat, and every soiree that, we go to, we shall bless its kind inventress. 
I People who declare the days of Crinoline are numbered may not be 
encouraged much by what we have just told them. Kjupons can be 
made to multiply five-fold, the shadow of wide skirts does not seem 
likely to grow less. But at any rate there will be some slight conso- 
lation in the thought that their wearers will be able to contract them- 
selves at pleasure, or as "occasion" (justly personated by their 
husbands or their parents) may sensibly " require." 



This certainly is news to us, and vastly pleasant news too. Hitherto 



SERENADE. 

To be Sung in a Slouched Ilat and Spanish Cloak, with a Guitar, and a I 
Flute obblinato. 

THE words printed in italics in the following Song are intended to 
represent the accompaniment of wind and stringed instruments : 

LIST, ANGELINA, list ! 

For the stars are shining bright, 

And they say to you, 

Oh tootle-tootle-too, 

ANGELINA dear, Good-night ! 

The heron has gone to rest 

On the banks of the Tweed-/ deedle-dee, 

And the thrush and the linnet 

Have flown this minute 

To the tree, to the turn-turn tree ! 

This, diddle-dum, diddle-dum, 
This, diddle-dum, diddle-mdo, 
This is the melodie 
Of your fond FIDO ! 

Refrain appassionato. 
List, ANGELINA, list ! 
For the stars are shining bright, 
They say to you 
Qh-ioot/e-tootle-too ; 
They cry to thee 
(}\\-tootle-tootle-tee ; 
Diddle-diddle-diddle-dear, Good-night ! 



Fasting the Whole Hog. 

MR. BUCHANAN recommends a Solemn Fast as an expedient for 
averting the calamity of disruption with which the American Union is 
threatened. To eat no victuals and go to meeting, may be a salutary 
penance for repentant sinners ; but does MR. BUCHANAN expect to 
derive much advantage from abstinence from meat, unaccompanied by 
abstinence from cruelty to negroes ? 



JANUARY 12, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



21 



r 




IGNORANCE NOT BLISS. 

Look' at Oiese two Foreigners in at Me Bannock's in Regent Street, with Scotch Bread, and Bath Buns, and Cheesecakes, and Raspberry Three 
Corners; Oh, and lots of other jolly things on the counter, to think of their choosing Crumpets COLD CRUMPETS/ Ha/ Hal 



ME. PUNCH'S NEW YEAR'S GIFTS. 

FOLLOWING, with due loyalty, the excellent example of HER MAJESTY 
THE QUEEN (where can there be found a better one to imitate?), Mr. 
Punch, on New Year's Day, sat in state at his own Home Office to super- 
intend the distribution of his New Year's Gifts. Among the fortunate 
recipients of his Royal bounty, Mr. Punch has only space to specify 
the following : 

To LOUD ELGIN was presented (Toby acting as his proxy) a copy of 
Mr. Punch's Thousand and Fifteenth Number, containing the Cartoon 
of ST. GEORGE DEFEATING THE CHINESE DRAGON, together with a 
copy of Mr. Punch's last week's Number, which contains a well-turned 
epigram upon (lie service that Im Lordship has done the British State. 

To LOHD Cow LEY was despatched anew carving-knife and fork, it 
being considered that his old ones must by this time be worn out by 
his Lordship's hospitalities. 

To LORD JOHN RUSSELL was presented a draft of a Reform Bill, 
providing that no Member should speak twice in a Session, excepting 
by the sanction of the Censor, Mr. Punch. 

To the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH was sent a picture of The Warrior, 
that he might have it framed as a companion to La Gloire. 

To his Holiness the POPE Mr. Punch sent his last Volume, which, 
being the mouthpiece of the English nation, would show the sympathy 
existing in the English mind. 

To VISCOUNT WILLIAMS was presented an article on Cheeseparing, 
composed for the Economist, but rejected by that print. 

To GENERAL GARIBALDI Mr. Punch despatched a sword for the 
fort hcoming campaign, with " Freedom of Italy " engraved upon the 
blade. 

To MR. BRIGHT was given a pair of rose-coloured spectacles, to 
enable him to take less jaundiced views of things than he hitherto has 
done. 

To MR. HULLAH was presented a promise of support, and a hint 
that the rebuilding of his fortunes had commenced. MR. HCLLAH, 
every singer ought to know, lias lost his hall, and the least that one 
can do is to do the most one can for him. 



DE. M'HALE. 

Am " AUen-a-Dale.* 

DR. M'HALE has no faggot for burning, 

I) 11. M'HALE has no vassals for spurniug, 

DR. M'HALE has no credit for losing, 

DR. M'HALE has no power (or abusing ; 

But DR. M' 11 ALE has the hqighth of foine writing, 

And a pen that beats any shillelagh for fighting, 

And the rabidest newspaper-hack might grow pale, 

With enry in reading great DR. M'HALE. 

Lay scribblers some semblance of grievance require, 
Hut DR. M'HALE without fuel makes fire ; 
Equal rights, equal laws, other grumblers appease. 
But M '11 ALE'S only rendered more rabid by these ; ! 
" Forget and forgive." is the Christian creed, 
But M'HALB rubs old sores till they fester and bleed; 
CARLISLE may grow crusty and PALMERSTON quail, 
Encouut'riug St. Jarlath's grim lion, M'HALB. 

Old England has bigots her STOWBLLS & Co., 
Irrational SPOOLERS, and NEWMGATES slow: j 
Old England has pens dipped in sectary's gall, 
With the Record, sweet print, to find room for them all ; 
But what bigot from pulpit or platform e'er stormed, t 
Theologicum odium what pen ever warmed, 
Like him and like his, that still pours the hot hail 
On the base bloody Saxon great DR. M'HALE? j 



OllendorflTs London. 

WHAT was the origin of " Queer Street ? " We cannot tell, but in 
our ignorance presume it must have originated in the mistake of a 
Frenchman, who, living in Leather Lane, and not being able to pro- 
nounce it, used to say Cuir Street ! 



22 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 12, 1861. 










trust to bearing the word of command. But it's very pleasant to have 
such an excellent excuse for an puling, and I have no doubt we 
shall all enjoy the ball this evening immensely." 

Or this : 

"Sixteenth East Clodshire, I'm sorry to hear you are not 
nearly so attentive to your comoany drill as you ought to be. My 
husband begs me to tell .you that, till you're up to that, it's no use 
attempting to practise light infantry movements. I should strongly 
recommend your Commanding Officer to lock up these bugles till 
\ ou 're a great deal smarter in your extending and closing than you 
have shown yourselves to-day; for I 've not a doubt that, as you are, 
you 'd make a horrid mess of it if you were ordered out to ' cover the 
front,' or to occupy the ground as skirmishers. And as to bugle-calls, 
one might just as well 'whistle jigs to a milestone,' as try to move you 
by music. Now go home, like good fellows, and do try if you can't 

i muster a few more than fifteen to a company in your battalion drills 

I for the next quarter." 

Or this : 



% ! 



" Volunteers of Clodhoppington, We none of us know what we are 
j likely to do till we 've been tried. I didn't think I 



A i-crj/ neat Present for (he Young Mother of a Large Family of Small 
Children, and likely to be extremely useful at thin Festive Season. 



NEW AIRS FOR VOLUNTEER BUGLES. 

ME. PUNCH, as the sworn enemy of the trite and common-place, 
suffers sadly in common with all England under the wearisome 
repetition and palling sameness of the speeches with which his darlings, 
the Ladies of England, grace the bugles they present to the itifle 
Volunteers of their respective neighbourhoods. He is never tired of 
the fair presenters of these martial instruments. There is no sameness 
about them! From MRS. CAPTAIN SLASHER'S sloe-black eyes and 
raven locks, to MRS. Cot. GUSHINGTON'S violet, orbs and golden 
tresses, he revels in all the delicate shades of the Beautiful that lie 
between the bewildering brunette and the bewitching blonde. Happy 
fellow ! Has he not Roman noses and retrousses, chiselled Grecian 
profiles and provocative gipsy loveliness, slim, slender, fawn-like 
graces, and ripe, round, melting embonpoint, to disport among, as the 
butterfly sips at will through all the delicious varieties of conservatory 
and flower-garden ? 

No ! Mr. Punch wishes for no change in the ladies ; but lie sadly 
desiderates a little change m their speeches. Who does not know the 
stereotyped form : The hope that this bugle, which, &c , may never 
sound except in, &c., &c., but that if ever, &c., &c., then we feel sure 
that, &c., &e , &c. . . . 

Mr. Punch, always thinking of the dear ladies, begs to suggest a few 
variations on this eternal Volunteer Bugle air, as, for example : 

"Volunteers of the Fourth Beefshire, The ladies ef the neighbour- 
hood having got up a subscription to present you with a set of silver 
bugles (because it is the fashion to present silver bugles, and the 
ladies of Beefslure are determined not to be behind the fashion) have 
requested me to make a speech on the occasion. It is a horrid bore 
but as I m your Commanding Officer's wife, I can't refuse, and, after 
ll, it s pleasant to have a good reason for insisting on a pretty new 
bonnet. I am sure you are very smart fellows, and look uncommonly 
well in your uniforms. You shoot very fairly, I 'm told, and go through 
your company and battalion movements quite as steadily as eau lie 
expected. I 're no doubt you will behave like Englishmen if ever you 
are required to fight, though I don't, think there's the least chance of 

-or I shouldn't have torn quite so ready to allow my husband to take 

he command of the corps. I 'm afraid not many of you know the 

bugle-calls even when they arc sounded on your'light infantry drill 

If it ever came to actual fighting, I don't think, from all I 

Imcl out, that there's the least probability of bugle-calls being 

-her understood or attended to ; and I should recommend you, in 
luchan event, by all means to leave these silver bugles at home, and 



_ should ever have 

! accepted GEORGE but I did. So 1 don't think the French are likely 
to invade this country, but, they may; and if they do, 1 don't think 
you are likely to run away, but, you might. I only hope that if you do, 
jour Bugler will magnanimously refuse to sound 'the retreat' on this 
; bugle; though I'm afraid, if he should, he'll be liable to be shot by 
the Articles of War." 
Or this : 

" Blowing one's own trumpet is a highly offensive practice. Perhaps, 
in this matter of Volunteering, we have indulged a little too much in 
that style of performance. So, without saying what I hope or what I 
feel sure of, I beg to hand you the bugle we've subscribed for, and 
1 trust you'll make a good use of it." 



SOMETHING LIKE A PEER. 

MR. SIDNEY HERBERT is created a Peer. Nobody deserves the 
honour better than the able, indefatigable, eloquent, and courteous 
WAR-SECRETARY, to whom Mr. Punch hereby liquors, and will be 
happy to see his Lordship to wet his coronet, wheuever he likes to call 
at No. 85. Mr. Punch has heard, that, in playful allusion to the title 
civilly given to MB. HERBERT by an ill-conditioned M.P.,his Lordship 
thought of being called Lord Monster, but that the vicious pronun- 
ciation of a territorial aristocracy might have confounded him with 
LORD MUNSTER, which would have been awkward. Unluckily, there 
i> a LORD WILTON, unhappily known by his mufflsli patronage of 
street-organs, or that would have been the befitting name for MR. 
HERBERT. However, he must mind and take a title which Mr. Punch 
can rhyme to, as the latter and elder nobleman hopes to have several 
civil things to say of the later and younger one. 



A Daring Coup de Main. 

CAN you tell us why a French glove-shop generally has the sign 
An Tour de Nesle ? 

No, unless it, is a misprint, for as it is the duty of the glove to go 
round the fingers, the handier title would have been Autour des 
Nails, [We boldly challenge BARON BRAMWELL to beat the above. 



CAN'T THROTV HIM. 



PUNCH likes what is plucky, and begs to repeat, 

Here 's a health to the HORSMAN who will .keep his scat. 



Questions for Juvenile Debating Societies. 

WHEN MR. RUSKIN lectures on drawing, should we be justified in 
calling him a t %;3-Orator? 

If a pretty Young Lady talked too much, would it be ungallant to 
admire her, but to qualify it by saying that her beauty was vnpeu trap 
prononce. 

DESTROYING THE ENEMY'S -WORKS. 

AT the sack of the Emperor's Palace at Pekin, a number of valuable 
watches and clocks were destroyed. We suppose the soldier* did it as 
an amusement merely by way of killing time. 

THE TJNITED EFFORT OP SIX ROYAL ACADEMICIANS. 

WHAT colour is it that contains several ? "An Umber (a number.) 

RIDDLE FOR THE SOCIAL CIRCLE. When is a Young Lady like a 
Poacher ? When she has her hair in a net. 



JANUARY 19, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



23 




Skate Proprietor to Spectator with Wooden Leg. 
PAKDIN, SIK DIDN'T TWIG TEB MISFORTIN. 

SIR!" 



" 'Avs A PAIR ON, SIR ? Ax TEB 
I 'VE A HODD 'UN YOU CAM HAVE, 



THESE THINGS ARE AN ALLEGORY. 

WE have waited patiently for some of our contempo- 
raries to point, the moral of the launch of The Warrior, 
but without effect. Mr. Punch therefore takes up his own 
pen to point out the delicate compliment, and ingenious 
historical suggestion, which the Admiralty authorities 
contrived to combine in the ceremonial which accompanied 
the introduction of the first of England's fleet of Ironsides 
to Father Thames. It is not often that His Grace the 
DUKE OP SOMERSET condescends to be complimentary, 
and Mr. Punch values the tribute to himself which he is 
about to record all the more because there are so few of 
the same kind where that came from. 

When the dog-shores were knocked away from The 
Warrior, she obstinately refused to move for a con- 
siderable time. Hydraulic presses and jack-screws were 
applied without effect. She treated with contempt the 
coercion both of water and iron. Who was she, that she 
should yield to the very elements which she had been built 
to defy ? But at last, hawsers were laid out to a couple 
of tugs, and when we mention that the one tug was 
"The Napoleon," and the other tug"?*; Punch," need 
we say that The Warrior complied with the solicitations of 
the latter, and showed her sense of the influences of the 
former, by gracefully and grandly gliding into the bosom 
of the Thames. 

Yes, it was a pretty thought of their Lordships and 
shows a nice perception of the national sentiment. It 
is NAPOLEON and Punch together that have launched The 
Warrior. If the former had not led the way with La Qloire, 
we should have bad no Warrior. If the latter bad not 
blown up the zeal of their Lordships, and kept alive the 
determination of the public, The Warrior, might never have 
got beyond the stage of designs and specifications. As it 
is, "NAPOLEOK impellente, etjubenie Punch," The Warrior 
is afloat at last. The facts must have remained, whether 
their Lordships bad recognised them or not ; but, we 
repeat, it was a graceful act of their Lordships to christen 
the two tugs which brought. The Warrior into the water, 
" The Napoleon" and " The Punch." It is not often that 
these two Potentates can meet pleasantly, but in this 
operation of floating The Warrior, Punch was for once 
delighted to find himself alongside NATOLEOX. 



MECHANICAL BABIES, 

THE French, we know, are eminently a new-year's-gift-presenting 
people, and we therefore cannot wonder that advertisements of articles 
deemed suitable for presents should at this season be found in great 
numbers in their newspapers. Some of the things, however, are such 
preposterous absurdities that we cannot well conceive that any one 
would purchase them, especially if purposed for gifts du Jour de I' An. 
Tor instance, we see notice of " duty mecanique," which some in- 
ventive genius has ingeniously constructed, and which is warranted to 
crawl and walk and fight, and to be as great a nuisance as a real living 
baby very often is. We are informed by the advertisement that if we 
heard it cry on being put to bed we certainly should call it " 
petit diablotin," and doubtless, in addition to its other charming quali- 
ties this " baby mecanique " can scream and squeal and squall as loudly as 
an infant of actual llesh and blood. Very clever certainly, but cui bono ? 
we must ask. Are real babies getting so extremely scarce in Paris 
that mechanical contrivances are required to act as proxies ? or are 
babies there esteemed such angels in a house, that husbands wish to 
have them perpetually in it, and therefore fill their place by deputy 
when the real things are absent ? But, wonder upon wonders, why are 
babies mi'caniqum expressly advertised as being suitable for presents? 
Is a baby such a luxury that nobody of prudence would go to the 
expense of it, any more than one would purchase the costly mutilities 
wherewith, as wedding presents, one's drawing-room is decorated? Or 
can it be that these toy-babies are intended to be given out of spite by 
married people to their bachelor acquaintances, of whose freedom from 
annoyance they may possibly be envious ? 

However this may be, we think that the invention is quite worthy of 
our notice, and if it succeeds in a pecuniary point, we doubt not that 
competitors will speedily spring up. If the notion be worked out upon 
a rather larger scale, mechanical boys and girls perhaps may be con- 
structed, mature enough to play all sorts of pleasant pranks, from 
burning all the knots in all the floors : with the bright poker, to 
scratching names upon the windows, and waylaying the sweets between 
the store-room and the supper one, iu the manner of the living enfants 
gates et terribles who infest society at the present day. Meanwhile, 
we shall expect to hear that a mechanical prize baby show is started, 



where these advertising Frankensteins will exhibit all their monsters : 
and we would hint in all humility that the first prize should be given 
to the "baby mecanique" which shows itself the most unlike the 
average of lite models. A baby that should never squeal on being 
looked at, nor squall on being washed, that should eat without a 
slobber and sleep without the constant surveillance of its nurse, that 
should take its aniseed as calmly as its pap, and never make its father 
get out of bed to rock it, or to dandle it about, that should cut its 
teeth without becoming fractious, and show no signs of tetcbiness 
when banded round to kiss, that should not attempt to throw its 
mother into fits by choking itself daily with rapidity of suction, or by 
endeavouring to swallow its coral or its rattle or the watch that its big 
brother has been holding to its ear, or whatever other article, not 
meant for digestion, it can contrive to grasp, such a baby clearly is 
not to be expected in the natural course of things, and if made by 
mechanism would only serve to show how wide a gulf there is between 
man's nature and his art. 



"COUGH NO MORE!" 

A GREAT mistake is very often made in the treatment of coughs, 
which at seasons such as the present are very troublesome in families. 
The medicines prescribed for the relief of these distracting affections 
are generally sweetened, with a view to render them palatable. This 
is a great mistake. Instead of that, a cough mixture, especially if 
intended for children, ought to be rendered as nauseous as possible. 
Take of Compound Decoction of Aloes, Infusion of Gentian, Infusion 
of Senna, Vinegar of Squills, and Tincture of Assafretida equal parts. 
Mix. A teaspoonful or less, according to age, to be taken whenever 
the cough is troublesome. Such is the influence of the mind over the 
body, that if this compound is promptly and rigorously administered, 
the most troublesome cough will, in many instances, very soon cease 
from troubling. 

A JOKE THAT AXSWERS FOR ITSELF. 

WHY is Orchard Street pronounced soft ? 
Because the hard pronunciation would be Awk'ard. 



24 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 19, 18G1. 




FRESHWATER FRY. 

To the Editor of Punch. 

IR, About Fresh- 
water Fish I take 
tliis opportunity of 
writing you a few 
lilies. Minnows are 
jolly good fried, ever 
so many at, a time. 
I've caught lots every 
summer ; hut MILES, 
SENIOR, tells me there 
are not many near 
London, though, he 
says, sticklebacks are 
plentiful, aud he 
catches no end. The 
stickleback is a little 
fish, about au inch in 
length when big, with 
prickles which stick 
up and shut down. 
You find it in almost 
all little streams and 
ponds. Breeding it 
must be very simple, 
for MILES says lie has 
pulled 'em out one 
after the other like 
fun at Barnes Com- 
mon, with a crooked 
pin, a stick, and a 
string, from a hole 
where gravel had been 
dug to put on the 
railway and the water 
collected; so I sup- 
pose they came there. 
" Gudgeons are 
plummy, too, frizzled 

like sprats ; aud then there is the loacn, not quite so big, which lies among the stones in 
brooks a lanky mottled-looking thing, with wattles on its mouth. Some say it's good, some 
poison; but it looks too much like a water-eft for me to fancy it. Also the Miller's Thumb, 
sometimes called Bullhead, still nastier to look at, but some say is eatable as well, about 
two or two inches and a half long, in colour like a toad on the back, with a big head, a w^de 
mouth, and eyes in the back of his head, which also the Loach has. I never eat one of 
them neither, but have often caught 'em for fun, with a worm or a caddis ; and if you like to 
try any, I'll send you some next holidays, but these being Christmas, I devote my attention 
to sliding and skating on the ice instead of fishing in the water, because that is frozen. 
But I have knocked over some larks and blackbirds, and caught several sparrows in a 
brick-trap, not to mention cock-robins; but freshwater fish are now out of season, and 
though 1 consider all's fish that comes to net, 1 leave netting to my sisters, who are always 
at it, for I've other fish to fry, though no minnows at present. But now I must conclude, 
hoping you and Mrs. Punch and all the Family are quite well. Believe me, one of MB. 
DUCAUB'S young friends, whom he expects to meet on the 21st instant, worse luck ; and 

"I remain, your juvenile reader, 
"Mizdelrook, CMklandi, Jan. 1861." "Ton BROWN, JUNIOB." 



defer the entire ceremonial until better times 
should arrive. Such are the consequences of 
ill-judged financial measures on the part of an 
irresponsible executive in the city. 



CRUELTY OF MAMMON. 

THE Bank of England has again suddenly raised its rate of discount, and we deeply regret 
to state that this palpitation of the heart of Commerce, as we may call it, has caused the 
greatest and most widely spread inconvenience throughout the social system of the country. 
Of our own knowledge we can speak of several distressing cases that have occurred in the 
Metropolis, in consequence of this ill-considered operation in the Bank Parlour. MR. GCSHER, 
of Gray's Inn, had made an appointment with his laundress to go through her book, make a 
rest, and take steps towards liquidation of the debt, but on hearing the news from the 
Bank, he was compelled to cut off in a Hansom, an hour before the time, and depart for his 
holiday without the intended interview. MH. WOBBLES, of Alfred Place, Tottenham Court 
Road, met, the financial crisis in a bolder manner, for he at once wrote to his tailor, and 
informed him that he had a choice between himself taking up an acceptance of MB. WOBBLE'S, 
due that day, or permitting it to receive the notarial label indicative of absence of provision 
for the transaction. MK. SLAMMER, of the Adelphi Terrace, who had promised his nephews a 
box at the theatre opposite him, was compelled to send them, instead, some orders for an 
Orrery lecture at Stepney, and he himself has gone to Paris. Nor did the hardship confine 
itself to the sterner sex, but as usual, helpless woman was the sufferer. MRS. TIDDYCOMBE, 
wife of a promising solicitor at Islington, was informed that she could not have the Droguet 
on which her eyes and heart had been so long set, and MK. PLASTERBY, of Brixton, apprised 
his amiable wife that if she insisted (which she did) on having a christening breakfast after 
the baptism of PETER JAMES, the last bahy, no dearer wine than Marsala would appear on 
the semi-sacrei board, and we need hardly add that M.RS. PLASTEIIBY had spirit enough to 



THE GREAT THAW COMING. 

TUEHB 's a great thaw coming, boys, 

A great thaw coming 
With trains of tribulation 

To frighten l)n GUMMING. 
Hark ! groans and growls beneath the ice, 

Each moment growing stronger, 
Proclaim a break-up imminent 

Wait a little louder ! 
There 's a great thaw coming, boys, 

There 's a great thaw coming, boys, 

On many a frost-bound system, 
Locked, all in stagnant sleep, so long, 

Old Time seemed to have miss'd 'em. 
The Papal ice-berg, all whose roots 

So deep-set seemed to be, 
Floats all adrift,, and melting slow, 

About, the Roman see. 
There 's a great thaw coming, boys, &c. 

And aye the higher show it makes 

Above the wave it darkens, 
The louder those sun-hammers sound, 

At work for him that hearkens ; 
God speed the light ! the thick-ribbed bonds 

Drip, drip, in silvery tinkles ; 
The huge aud hoary fronts of frost 

Gape into yawning wrinkles 
There 's a great thaw coming, boys, &c. 

Up to the Arctic Circle, 

This thaw will have its way; 
E'en Russia's huge ice-palace 

Shows symptoms of decay. 
That throne uplift you'll find a rift : 

Rip up those barrack-floors, 
To right and left run crack and cleft, 

Defying props and shores. 
There's a great thaw coming, boys, &c. 

The palace fronts show white and fair, 

The palace-walls seem strong, 
But in the sun they '11 melt and run 

Their gorgeous guests among. 
The Neva sleeps, a frost-bouiid slave, 

Held down with pile and pin : 
But there 's a beam can loose the stream, 

And send it rowing in 
There 's a great thaw coming, boys, &c. 

See, 'tis the Kaiser, driving 

His iron-runnered sleigh 
The horses spring, the sleigh-bells ring, 

His escort clears the way ; 
The Kaiser's ear is dull to hear, 

His eye is dull to see- 
As on his road, that seems so broad 

And smooth, he gallops free. 
There's a great thaw coming, boys, SO. 

Yet sure he sees the yawning cracks, 

That shoot their net-work fine, > 
And all about him aud athwart 

The treacherous surface mine. 
And sure he hears the growl and groan, 

Sharp crash and grinding sounds, 
That, tell the ice has broken up, 

The streams have burst their bounds ! 
There 's a great thaw coming, boys, OK. 

Nor e'en the Atlantic Ocean, 

This wide dtlacle bars, 
It rends the Stripes, like bursting pipes, 

And scattereth the Stars. 
The Union heaves and shuts and cleaves, 

And none is bold to say 
If it will hold together still, 

Or melt in shards away. 
Tuere's a great thaw coming, boys, &c. 



JANUARY 19, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



25 



But. far above the awful stir 

Of re-awakened life. 
Stands England, watchful, hand on Lilt, 

Seeking nor shunning strife. 
She fears no thaw, as linked by law, 

Her oak's deep roots unto 
Let drift, who will, she standeth still, 
Her destined work to do. 
There 's a great thaw coming, boys, 

Its signs are ever stronger, 
There's a great thaw coming, boys, 
Wait a little longer ! 




the competitive principle. Therefore gentlemen of moderate abilities 
and Mquironenti should take the opportunity, whilst it remains, of 
applying hy tender to the right quarter, for employment in the capacity 
of Jack Ketch. Let. them write, irrespectively of grammar, to the 
High Sheriff of the County, who has that piece of preferment at his 
disposal. He is bound to hang condemned criminals with his own 
hands, or find a substitute for the performance of the exalted duty 
which the law assigns to English country gentlemen in appointing 
High Sheriffs to finish itself. 



A PAYING LINE. 

PERSONS desirous of making a handsome addition to their incomes 
by a light and gentlemanly, if not elegant employment, at least one 
involving very little physical or mental exertion, and only requiring a 
considerable amount of moral courage, will perhaps discern, from the 
subjoined paragraph picked out of the North British Mail, that there 
is an opening through which they may easily realise some money : 

"EXECUTIONERS' FEES. CALCRAFT, the well-known hangman, baa informed the 
Magistrates of Dumbarton that his fee for coming to Dumbarton on the 18th 
current, to execute LUNNAY, would bo :2], aud travelling ami personal expenses 
paid." 

Twenty-one pounds is a large sum for hanging a man, and if the man 
is a bad one, it is more than he is worth, unless able to earn as much 
over and above his keep, in which case it would be cheaper to work 
him than to hang him. A surgeon, for performing an operation and 
thereby saving a life, would under ordinary circumstances be very well 
paid by th fee of 21, which Jack Ketch obtains for destroying his 
patient. For cutting off a bad member of Society by a process asking 
no knowledge of anatomy, and only the simplest manual skill, J. K. 
receives no less than M.lt.C.S. does for amputating a limb; and more 
indeed : travelling and personal expenses paid into the bargain. To be 
sure, the doctor sometimes charges for expenses of travelling, booked 
under the head of " Her," which the other practitioner would perhaps 
enter as " Gurny." But he makes no claim for those of a personal 
nature, such as MR. CALCRAFT'S ; namely, perhaps, the cost of first-rate 
accommodation at the best hotel, inclusive of dinner consisting of three 
courses and dessert, with plenty of excellent claret and champagne. 
One would like to ascertain the number of cigars comprised in GAL- 
CRAFT'S personal expenses, and their quality ; indeed to know whose 
and what cigars CALCRAFT smokes. Ot' course MK. CALCKAFT is quite 
right in demanding these terms if he can get them ; but they are cer- 
tainly high, and can only be maintained in the absence of competition. 
Jack Ketch is naturally opposed to the doctrine of Live and Let Live ; 
but hanging is no monopoly. 

The field of the platform is open to average ability, and all may 
compete for the office of executioner. The contest tor that distin- 
guished employment does not as yet, however, impose on candidates 
the necessity of a competitive examination. In good time it' will come 
to that, no uoubt. The competitors for the hangman's place will huve 
to answer questions in mat hematics, as touching right lines for instance ; 
in geography^ astronomy, and history; particularly the history of 
England, so implicated with the block. The manufacture of hemp, 
the process of rope-making, the growth and preparation of timber, will 
also be subjects wherein their proficiency will be tested. Then the 
position of Finisher of the Law will he the reward of talent and indus- 
try ; at present it is simply open to the lowest bidder who is prepared 
to give satisfactory proof of his competency to execute its functions 
and those whom they concern. 

The remuneration of hangmen may perhaps rise again when the 
standard of their education shall have been raised by the application of 



UNCERTAIN CUBE OF SOULS. 

THS advertisement which, reference excepted, we annex from the 
Times will be perused .by a portion of our national clergy with a 
painful interest : 

NEXT PRESENTATION for SALE to * RECTORY in the County 
of Norfolk. Average income, JCtHO. Population, 500. Age of incumbent, 90. 

For further particulars the anxious reader is referred to certain 
solicitors. The particulars, however, which it most imports him to 
know are such as the legal gentleman may not be enabled to com- 
municate. A confidential medical man ia the only person who could 
allord the querist satisfactory assurance on the point, which it would 
be his serious object to ascertain. Age of incumbent Ninety ! Ninety 
yean old ! it is certainly a great age, but when a man has lived so long 
as that, there is a considerable chance that he may go on living a good 
deal longer. "Oh, the uncertainty of human life! He who has reached 
ninety may attain to a hundred. Ten years ; how short in retrospect, 
in prospect how long and weary ! The nonagenarian may become a 
centenarian. Is it well or ill with this aged pastor? Is hi* heart 
right with regard to the valves and the vessels ? or hardened by ossi- 
fication? Who knoweth? No man but his medical. Bat will the 
doctor reveal the desired knowledge ? Dare I ask him for such infor- 
mation ? Will he not deem me a huckster in the cure of souls ? Yea, 
peradventure he may rebuke me as a hireling, and revile me to my 
face, calling me a simoniacal humbug and seeker after the unrighteous 
mammon. Average income 640, and population only 500. The 
vineyard is one that would be just the thing for such a labourer as me. 
The very sphere of usefulness that I should like! But then the day 
of entrance, of induction, of incumbency it might be distant, it might 
be at hand. Which ? Ah, which ? Seventy would be better than 
ninety. Three score and ten is man's appointed time: but if anybody 
is so strong as to reach threescore and twenty if he once gets over 
fourscore, confound it, there is no saying how long such an old fellow 
as that may last. At ninety he has a chance of existing to the age of 
Old PARR, and it would be a deuced bore to fork out a lot of tin for a 
living, and have to stand kicking one's heels a quarter of a century 
waiting for a dead man's shoes. One would hardly like to purchase 
the crahshells without having some idea of when one might expect to 
rejoice in them." 

Such are the reflections which, some or all of them, the above 
advertisement is calculated to excite in a certain class of clerical 
minds including those of fast young divines, who purchase not only 
their preferment but also their sermons ; the latter said to be chiefly 
composed by an inspired carpenter in Holborn. 



A NEW GENTLEMAN. 

SOMEWHERE in South Wales (wherever that is) there is a place 
called Merthyr, and in that place lives an individual who has discovered 
a new form of gentleman. The individual is the proprietor of a hotel, 
and on his card is the following remark : 

" Incidental as well as Commercial Gentlemen are aamirei It is the desire as it is 
the duty of the Proprietor to promote the comfort of Lit Patrons on Temperance 
Principles." 

" Incidental Gentlemen." Those are the new articles which have 
been discovered in South Wales. Ever anxious to obtain information, 
Mr. P*nch begs to demand what is an incidental gentleman. Of course 
he knows something about the word incidental, and that it is derived 
from a Latin word meaning " falling in," but this only increases the 
confusion. Gentlemen who have been at a tavern have had the mis- 
fortune of falling in, when trying to pass ditches or canals, but at a 
Temperance tavern the requisite preparation can hardly have been gone 
through. And then the apposition of "incidental" with "commercial" 
is another mystification. We have heard of incidents of commerce, 
but the connection is repudiated by our Welsh friend, who thinks a bag- 
man cannot be incidental. Is the word a Welsh ornamentation of 
Dental, and is the card an invitation to the Jew dentists who travel 
about with dog-carts full of teeth, and whose advertisements scandalise 
educated and legitimate odontologists ? We have exhausted our 
guesses, and once more demand an explanation, which must be in some 
civilised language, and therefore not in Welsh. What 's an incidental 
gentleman ? 



26 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 19, 1861. 




SERIOUS ACCIDENT DURING THE FROST. 

As MAJOR AND CAPTAIN or THE 13iH LIGHT POLKERS WERE SKATING WITH THE 'LOVELY AND ACCOMPLISHED EMILY 

D AND HARRIET V , THEIE TEELINGS SUDDENLY GAVE WAY. THEY BROKE THE ICE, AND WE HEAR THEY HAVE NOT YET 

BEBN EXTRICATED IROM THEIR PERILOUS SITUATION ! 



A CASE OF REAL SELFISHNESS. 

To Mr. Punch. 

"SiB, " Pharisee Villa. 

" I HAVE made the discovery that women are not the kindly 
and charitable beings which it is the fashion of poets, novelists, and 
penny-a-liners to call them. 

"There are a great number of claims made on behalf of benevolent 
societies at this period of the year. I have frequently read such 
appeals, at breakfast, to my wife and the girls. 

" I had promised to set apart last Saturday evening for dining at 
home with them, and then taking them to. a private box at Covent 
Garden Theatre. 

"While taking a warm jelly, and some other trifles, for my lunch, at 
FARBAXCE'S, my eye fell upon a very strong letter in the Times, asking 
contributions to one of these excellent funds. 

"My heart was touched, my dear Mr. Punch, and I telegraphed to 
Camberwell that we would give up the proposed pleasuring, and on 
the following Tuesday 1 had the happiness of reading to my family, 
from the newspaper, this acknowledgment, which will show you, also, 
how I employed the money 1 had designed to throw away: 

" A Ca-mbencell Fatlttr, being tJit price of a box he had intended to tnke at a. 
',<nur. (less the necatary expense. 1 t,s. 6ii. of AM dinner tkat day 





" Sir, will you believe it, neither my wife nor the girls, whom I had 
really supposed full of kindheartedness, are pleased with this arrange- 
ment, and, to speak plainly, they are actually sulky. 

" Pray print this, to shame such selfishness, and believe me, 
" Your constant admirer, 

" Thursday." " PJJCKHAM RYSE." 



"DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW YOU'RE OUT?" 

IN the secor.d column of the Times for some days lately there ap- 
peared the following more than usually mysterious and affecting 
appeal : 

T)IZ. implores you to WRITE. Think of your Mother. 

That Diz. means the leader of the Conservative Opposition in the 
House of Commons must be assumed of course ; but who can be the 
party to whom MR. DISRAELI can address such an exhortation as 
" Think of your mother ? " We discard the idea that the question can 
have any social bearing, whether for good or evil. It is a purely 
political one, in our opinion. After the declaration in favour of Church 
Rates which the EX-CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER made the other 
day, it may most reasonably be surmised that the mother above referred 
to is Mother Church, and that the anonymous individual addressed is 
a parson who has run away, and, it is feared, means to go over to 
Rome. This clerical fugitive we suppose it is that Diz. implores to 
write, and begs him to think of his mother. 



THE 
RIFLE 



E P\ 



J.CIPAL ORNAMENT 
Bugles. 



THAT LADIES SHOULD WEAR AT A 



Ingenious Idea. 

WE know a Paterfamilias, who being disappointed of his Christmas 
Tree, went furtively into his wife's bed-room, and brought down her 
Sunday Crinoline, which he cleverly hung up in the middle of the 
room, and made it do duty for a tree. Ornamented with drums, crackers, 
wooden apples and pears, and the usual Noah's Ark variety of zoolo- 
gical bonbon-cases, and illumined with hundreds of little wax-tapers, 
the effect was quite a bit of fairy-land, and certainly no Crinoline ever 
looked lighter. Unlike other Crinolines, it was not in any one's way 
either, though it shared ultimately the fate of all Crinolines, inasmuch 
as every one's hand was raised against it until it was regularly picked 
to pieces. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 19, 1861. 




DIVORCE A VINCULO. 

Mrs. Carolina Asserts her Right to " Larrup " her Nigger. 



JANUARY 19, 18C1.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



29 



THE FACE OF NATURE. 

ECENTLY, we have not 
been out of town, 
and therefore cannot 
form a very accurate 
opinion, but we think 
the "face of Na- 
ture" must be get- 
tiny rather dirty, 
seeing it is four 
weeks since the frost, 
set in, and during all 
that time she can't 
have had it washed. 
It is true there was 
a thaw for some few 
hours a fortnight 
since, but judging 
from the lilthy dirty 
mess this made in 
London, we cannot 
think the face of 
Nature can have 
been much cleaned 
by it. Snow has 
fallen in aome places, 
and there the face 
of Nature most 
undoubtedly look 
white; but this is no 
more a sure proof 
that her face is really 
clean, than the chalk 
upon Clown's cheeks 
is an indication that 
they are so. Per- 
haps the washing 
that she had during 
the past year may 
make Nature well dispense with any more at present, and while the 
thermometer falls nightly down to zero, we cannot of course expect 
that she will take her usual shower-bath. 




LETTER OF INSTRUCTION FROM AN AFFECTIONATE 
MOTHER TO THE BOY'S AUNT IN LONDON. 



"DEAREST 

" PLANTAGENET will come by the train, which arrives at 
eleven o'clock. Have luncheon ready for him at twelve o'clock. 
Mutton broth, the inside of a chop, and the thigh of a pheasant : he 
dines at two o'clock Soup, a little fish, and a snipe will do for him. 
When he goes to sleep after dinner, put some worsted gloves on his 
hands : we are breaking him of sucking his thumb. Warm the draw- 
ing-room sofa for him, and put three blankets over him. If he cries 
when he wakes (which he probably will do) buy him several toys and 
give him a wax-doll or two : he pulls them to pieces, and they amuse 
him. If you have company at dinner, let him have a large dish of gravy 
near him ; he always puts both hands in': when he is a man he will 
leave this off. Let a servant sit up with him all night : if he wakes, 
let her have something hot for him. Be sure that you grease his nose 
well before he sleeps he is given "to snoring a tallow-candle is the 
best, next the lighted end ! 

" Ever affectionately yours, 

" MATILDA BKOWN." 

" P.S. No mince-pies yet : he ate six' on Christmas-day, and has 
been fractious ever since. Read Punch to him four hours every day, 
and cut out the pictures for him ; he is an intellectual child. Write 
every day an account of him : he is fond of the street-organ, and if you 
can get a monkey or two that does not bite, let him have it. I forgot 
to ask you to buy him a respirator." 



Astronomical Intelligence. 

A GREAT many new stars have been lately discovered, but we under- 
stand that the largest star of all that have been detected for many 
years made its appearance on Friday last, about half-past five o'clock, 
P.M., when our own particular friend PLUMP BULOET, Esq., fell down 
in a sitting posture on the ice in the Serpentine. The star was one of 
the first magnitude, and so was the howl which our esteemed friend 
thought it proper to set up, upon suddenly finding himself bump. He 
was enabled, shortly afterwards, to make a more satisfactory Obser- 
vation, with the aid of a powerful glass of brandy-and-water. 



DELENDA EM. 

' Some of the respectable inhabitant* of Holywell Street propoM to call It Book' 
sellers' How." 



OLD Holywell Street be called Bookseller*' Row? 
A very good dodge, but, you '11 lind it no go, 
A nickname won t save the detestable den, 
For years so obnoxious to gods and to men. 

Respectable parties, who 're justly ashamed 
To hear yourselves Holywell denizens named, 
The straightforward way to get rid of disgrace 
Is to pack up your stock and come out of the place. 

For the doom has gone out, and the dens will go down, 
Too long a vile scandal on London's renown ; 

\ rchitcct 's waving a potent right hand 
Devoted to sweep off the pest of the Strand. 

Ho ! dealers in fusty and musty O Clo ! 
Be off with your bundles to Petticoat Row ; 
And you others, a vile ;md unnameable crew, 
The Devil must find other lodgment for you. 

Proud Authors arrayed in your ranks on the stall, 

The tidings are dearer to you than to all, 

To free you Posterity registers vow, 

From the loathsome companionship forced on you now. 

Through a street where through noses men talk of old coats, 
And on garbage the elderly profligate gloats, 
The broad healthy stream of our traffic be rolled, 
As Hercules cleansed the foul stable of old. 

So, out of the dens which to parsons belong, 
Yet which free-spoken Punch dare not name in a song, 
Out, all, good and bad. from the poisoned domain ! 
And our old Holy Well shall be holy again. 



CHARITY FOR COVENTRY. 

A CHIEF cause of the distress which is suffered now at Coventry is 
said to be that ladies have taken to wear hats of late in the lieu of 
bonnets ; and as ribands are but seldom nsed as trimmings for these 
hats, the trade in them of course has seriously decreased. Now, no 
one out a brute would dream of asking Lovely Woman to dress out of 
the fashion, and while hats remain in rogue*we cannot of course hope 
to see young Ladies buying bonnets. It is however possible to wear 
ribands with a hat as well as with a bonnet ; and it would really be a 
feather in any lady's cap, if instead of wearing feathers, she would 
wear a bunch of ribands in it. The fashion if once set would speedily 
be followed ; for ladies are like sheep in the matter of their fashions, 
and when once a step is taken, nearly every one will tread in it. We 
are sure that pretty hats would none the less become their wearers 
were they trimmed with pretty ribands, bought to help a poor distressed 
half-starving fellow-creature ; and we have quite sufficient faith in the 
good sense as well as the good nature of our ladies to believe that when 
their friend Punch gives them a kind hint to do a kindly deed they 
will lose no time in setting to and doing it. Let them flock in crowds 
then to their dressmakers and drapers, and lay out their spare pin 
money in purchasing new hat-ribands. Nay, if need be, let them ask 
their husbands, or their fathers, for whoever else supplies them wild 
that necessary article, for an extra five pound note or two to spend 
upon such finery, for finery and charity in this case are synonymous. 

Although we hate extravagance, especially in dress, we should not in 
this instance be the least disposed to grumble at it ; and we really 
think that anybody would deservedly be called a stingy old curmudgeon 
who would deny his wife or offspring the chance of being charitable 
bv buying all the ribands she might Bke to set her heart upon. If she 
chose indeed to wear a fresh one every day, surely no one with the 
least bump of benevolence in his head would feel at all inclined to 
quarrel with her ; and it would sufficiently justify her conduct were 
she to explain the cause of it in some such strain as this : 

" All round my hat 1 wear a new riband. 

All round my hat a new riband every day : 
And if any one should ask of me the reason why I wear it, 
Ti to help the poor of Coventry, who are wanting work, I 'U say." 



A GREAT 
is easily settled 
Bay. 



An Isle of Wight Dough-Nut. 

Controversy has been going on about Freshwater ^ !*".' ter 
led. The best Freshwater Fish are caught in I*** 



30 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 19, 1861. 



N 




A CHEISTMAS VISITOR. 



TO OBLIGE BENSON. 

SIR JOHN BENSON, of Cork, enjoys the deserved repu- 
tation of being not only an excellent Architect but a Brick 
in other lines. Evidently, too, he has no tee-total humbug 
about him, as may be seen from the following observation 
which he made at a recent meeting of the Cork Town 
Council. There is a fountain on the Parade in that city, 
and a gentleman named KELLER demanded what would 
be the expense of gilding the letters cut round the said 
fountain : 

" SIR J. BENSON did not know what the expense would be, but 
there had been considerable expense incurred with regard to the 
fountain already. He did not think ttiere -wax a. necessity for a railing, 
as tJte young people would avoid the fountain when they became Uied to it." 

Well spoken, SIR JOHN, in the name of a hospitable city, 
where the absurd habit of sticking up a bottle of whiskey 
to throw stones at it is happily unknown. The young 
people may occasionally take the laste taste in loife of the 
water, just to see what the tap is, but they know better 
things, and will soon learn to avoid such mean tipple. 
Cork thinks, with Mr. Punch, that water was made to wash 
in, and to float ships about, not to be drunk, unadulterated, 
and Mr. Punch is happy "to oblige BENSON" by pro- 
mulgating to the world the excellent Knight's testimony 
in favour of the good sense of his fellow-citizens. 



A FRIENDLY CRITIC (an extremely rare 'tpecimen). 
who helps you over the Style. 



One 



OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 

" DEAR PUKCH, 

" You know everything, and you know everybody : everybody 
knows that. But, Sir, among all your various acquaintances do you 
know such a person as an independent critic P Doubtless, at the first 
thought, you will say of course you do ; and you will instance your 
friend SLEDGEHAMMER and VITRIOL TOMAHAWK. Well, these are edu- 
cated gentlemen, and no doubt are independent, as far, that is, as 
men who are attached to any newspaper possibly can be. But are they 
not exceptions to the literary rule, and do you not allow that really 
conscientious critics apparent ran nanles in the whirlpool of the press ? 
Mind, I do not mean to hint that men like SLEDGEHAMMER and 
TOMAHAWK are ever likely to be swamped in the gurgite oaito. They 
have talents that well may always keep their heads above water, and they 
will never have to struggle as their weaker brethren must. It is this 
struggle for existence that leads into temptation and to sacrifice of 
conscience, and oh ! how hard it is bravely to withstand it. 

"But the critics you have named, Punch, are literary critics, and it is 
not of books but theatres that I now wish to speak. And here I 
apprehend the independent critic is an even rarer bird than in the 
other walk. The race may have existed, like the Dodo, I dare say ; 
but such strange birds are such strangers that one naturally fears they 
are becoming quite extinct. I will not bore you with recounting the 
many causes which have helped to extirpate the breed. Enough that 
it has ceased, with few exceptions, to exist ; and that you and I are 
living to lament it. From what one hears too, as one may if one only 
keeps one's ears open, this lamentation is by no means peculiar to us 
two, but is shared by an increasingly large number of the public. As 
far as I can judge from what is talked at clubs and dinner-tables, and 
in coffee-rooms and railways, the public is beginning to have less faith 
in the newspapers, so far as their opinion on the drama is con- 
cerned. Whether the public really doubts the independence of the 
press in a theatrical respect, or whether it be sickened by the rose- 
water and honey with which, in lieu of criticism, it has far too long 
been surfeited, I will not waste your space at present in inquiring. 
Enough to chronicle the fact of the public want of confidence in those 
whose aim should be to keep it au courant with the stage, and who 
should; properly advise it where to go and what to see, having by 
matured and conscientious criticism made the theatres they recommend 
fit places to amuse it. 

" Now, this is, I cqnceive, a really public want : and therefore Mr. 
Punch f with your polite permission, I think myself of coming forward 
as an independent critic. By your leave, I will now and then, but at 
IP stated intervals, let your readers know what pieces I have been to 



Members of the public. And after all, Sir, what the public, 
w tat fti Ji? me ? ret l u i r es is a someone who can see for it with some- ' 
own tVv!JL v ' s ' on > m ^ whose eyes are not so vastly superior to its 
i scorn to look at half the little points that please it. 



, and whether I was pleased with them, or glad to get away from 

jjfc I may not have the practised critical sharpsightedness which 

ts its possessor by seeing half a scene to go home and write a 

\ 7*s 2 n t . he merit s of five acts ; but I have a pair of tolerably clear 

J4 wt.h an opera-glass to help them, I believe can see as well 



" The Arctic weather we have had has not been very tempting to 
theatrical excursions. However ' thoroughly well warmed ' a house is 
advertised to be, it can hardly be so cosy as one's own old house at 
home ; and however anxious the children are to go to it, Paterfamilias 
wisely thinks the pantomime will keep until the temperature changes, 
and one may make the trip without the risk of being frost-bitten. 
Being of this opinion I have not yet seen a hot poker, except in my 
own grate : nor, save my hopeful son and heir, has any person in my 
presence tried to stuff himself with sausages, or to make an acrobatic 
plaything of the baby. Of the pantomimes I therefore cannot speak 
at present, because I have not seen them : it is not every critic who 
would feel this a deterrent. Before Christmas I enjoyed an hour or two 
with RuyBlas such as I had not passed in a playhouse for many a long 
day. The expressive eye and gesture, the well-selected attitudes, 
natural though full of art (instance, where he stands with his sword 
like to a headsman, at the words, ' I was your lacquey : behold in me 
your executioner! ') the clear articulation, never mumbling nor mouth- 
ing as too many actors do ; the graceful ease of carriage, and above all 
things the freshness and unstagy quiet fervour which he threw into the 
part, will remain with me, I hope, for long agreeable memories. Nor 
have I less pleasure in remembering Handy Andy, and his well-inten- 
tioned clumsinesses. Like that of Ruy Bias, this also was a piece of 
genuine good acting. There was nothing forced or strained in it, to 
make a mock effect and win a claptrap clap. The humour was through- 
out quiet and subdued, as true humour ought to be ; and was never 
violently thrust into one's face, as though demanding of one 'your 
laughter or your life." A stage Irishman in general is Hibernior 
Hibernis, and much too far from nature to make one naturally laugh. 
But such is not the Handy Andy as played by MR. DREW : and if 
people like good acting, MR. DREW should draw. 

" I remain, Mr. Punch, under fear or favour of no newspaper or 
manager, one who likes to see plays comfortably, and therefore 

"PAYS HIS MONEY." 



The Sympathy of. Holiness. 

ON New Year's Day the POPE received the French officers, and: 
made some remarks to them which are of no consequence. But a 
etter from Rome.informs'.us that 

"His Holiness also said that in defending Gaeta, the French fleet serves a just, 
and holy cause." 

The Pope's Holiness has heretofore always been 1 regarded as some- 

hing peculiar ; but now by his own showing it is of pretty much the 

ame nature as the Holiness of the Bourbon dynasty of Naples. All 

ight ! The Holiness of the Inquisition does well to own its identity 

with the Holiness of the torture-chamber. 



LIFE IN THE BUSH. 

THE Mistletoe for me ! Grateful Exclamation of Mr. Punch, icith 
the Christmas feter upon him, after liaving been exposed for several 
hovrs to the fire of the " Volunteer Movement." (Vide Ahuinaclc, 1861, 
page 2.) 



JANUARY 19, 1861.] 




PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



31 



, 



SAVAGES ON SKATES. 

O cut a figure on the ice 
is frequently the aim of 
skaters, but there are some 
of them who are not quite 
.iiilliciently regardful what 
sort of a figure it is that 
they cut. When a man 
sprawls on his back while 
doing the spread eagle, the 
figure that lie cuts is much 
more ludicrous than grace- 
ful; nor does it much im- 
prove the elegance of his 
position if a lot of flounder- 
ing gliders fall between his 
ten. 

But a far more ugly figure 
was cut, the other day by 
some skaters on the Ser- 
pentine and other waters 
in our Parks, of whose per- 
formances the Times gives 
the following account : 

" A great number of persons, 
(Deluding several ladies, wore 
tripped up by the skaters, and 
severely injured. * * Many 
persons wore thrown down and 
very seriously hurt by skaters who were making what is called an ' Express train,' 
following each other as fast as they could go, and apparently without caring whom 
they intent uiaet * Two brothers, named NBVILLE, of KnlghUbrldge Green, 
were tripped up by the skaters. One had his thigh broken ; the other was so 
seriously cut and otherwise Injured that, after having his wounds drosued at the 
Receiving House, he became delirious. The other boy was removed to St. George's 
Hospital * A lad named 0. MARTIN, of 6, Park Street, Dorset Square, was 
cruelly treated by a fellow, who, while skating, g him a blow on the mouth and 
knocked several of his teeth out. Search was made for the man who inflicted the 
injuries upon the sufferer, but he could not.be found." 

Skating must soon cease to be called a manly sport, if such outrages 
as these are to be looked for from its votaries. To knock down little 
boys and ladies is> a cruel recreation, and as cowardly as cruel. If such 
injuries were perpetrated elsewhere than on the ice they would be 
treated as police cases, and be reported in the newspapers as " brutal 
assaults." If it become the fashion to cut heads upon the ice instead 
of cutting figures, we think that the police should be empowered to 
interfere and to take up the offenders who knock tlie helpless down. 
There is a Cruelty Prevention Society, we know, for protecting pur 
dumb animals from savage and inhuman usage ; and a similar Society 
must in winter time be officered to protect our wives and children, and 
other not dumb creatures, from the savages on skates who take pleasure 
in assaulting them. 



ENGLISH MURDERED BY THE FRENCH. 

THE Trench clubs have imported into their festive Cercles our odious 
word " blackball." They have made, so says the Globe, a verb of it, 
" Slactballer." We would give something if we could hear a pur sang 
Parisian pronounce it. We are curious to know what broken, and 
clipped, and disfigured form it would assume when recoined by his 
lips. Should we Be able to recognise it as the same word P Fancy a 
thoroughbred dandy leaning over the balcony of the cafe Anglais, and 
saying to a French copy of an English swell, " Out, j'irai au club dam 
man tilbury, et sacre SNOB, je le blackballeraiom, atari tur que JACK 
ROBINSON, il sera blackball." We do not think it would have a 
pretty effect would it Moss. JULES JANIJT, or MONS. THEOI-HILB 
GAUTIER, or any other scholastic Frenchman, who prides himself 
upon speaking pure French ? it would not sound very euphoniously, 
we say, to hear one of the young heroes of the Boulevards exclaiming, 
" ffon, il ett tellement Snob, il faut impjratitemeitt que je le blaelc- 
balldise!" What with Frenchified-English and Englishitied-French, 
the two countries in a short time won't be able to understand each 
other a bit. Why not make an exchange of languages, before they 
both become so corrupt that there will be no recognising either the 
one or the other P 



GLADSTONE'S PET. 

WE do not wish to alarm the ladies, but we have been told, by one 
who has admission into all the secrets of the Cabinet, that it is the 
intention of the CHANC BLLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, next Session, to 
propose a new tax, which is expected to give universal satisfaction to 
the gentlemen, at least. There are, also, great expectations that the 
tax in question will be (barring the Income-Tax) one of the most pro- 
duel iv<: r. ii' nf i he thousand-and-one taxes that help to swell the 
British Revenue up to its present colossal amount. Calculations have 
been made, and the returns, it is said, will be so enormous that hopes 
are entertained the CHANCELLOR OF I;IK KXCHEO.UBR will be able to 
dispense not only with the Paper-Duty, but several other duties 
besides. 

A new tax is always looked upon as a fresh imposition, and yet we 
have but little doubt that the present, one will be hailed as a great 
boon by every one exc. ^, though it has been specially 

instituted for their pin i> ttud personal improvement. Not 

to keep our female subscribers any longer in suspense, we may as well 
tell them at once that this additional feather on MR. BULL'S back, or 
rather MRS. BULL'S back (though ladies do not generally carry feathers 
on their backs), is to be in the shape of a CuiNOLiUE-Tix! There, 
the awful secret, is out ; and we fancy we' see thousands upon thousands 
of silk, moire antique, and cotton skirts at the present moment quaking 
violently from fear over this announcement. The sum put down (on 
paper, we mean) as the probable return of this new contribution to the 
Exchequer is not less than 3,000,000. Every lady is to pay a Pound 
licence annually for the privilege of wearing Crinoline ; ana if found 
walking in one, without her certificate about her, she will be liable, 
to an information precisely the same as a sportsman who cannot 
produce his shooting licence. 

The penalties are to be very severe. Servants and housemaids are 
to be let off for five shillings. Frenchwomen and foreigners are to be 
charged double, inasmuch as they are generally greater sinners in this 
respect than even English ladies ; and, besides, they were the first to 
introduce the contagion into this country. 

MR. GLADSTONE is in high glee over his pet notion, which he is sure 
unless female influence is brought to bear very strongly against it 
of passing through the House without a single dissentient voice. If 
passed, it may possibly have the good effect of inducing the ladies to 
contract a little their present extravagant habits. L 



Fast and Loose. 

IN spite of PRESIDENT BUCHANAN'S fast, the State of Carolina per- 
sists in breaking loose, and of severing the tie that binds her to the 
Union. Will her example be generally followed, do you think P If so, 
when we speak of the United States in future, we shall have to change 
two letters in the epithet, and use the word " untied " instead of the 
word "united." 



FEVERS UPON WHEELS. 

READER, are yon afraid of fever, and do you ride in cabs P 
If you answer both these points in the affirmative, it is as well that 
you should know that fever patients have at times been put into these 
vehicles, and the chances of infection have thereby been produced. It 
is as well that yon should know too, not to frighten you too much, that 
steps are being taken at several of the hospitals to put a stop to this 
alarming and disagreeable practice ; and it may greatly tend to lessen 
the qualms and apprehensions we may perhaps nave raised, if we tell 
you that the surgeons to the London Fever Hospital have given their 
advice to have a carriage fund got up, by which it will be feasible to 
have fevers moved about in specially kept vehicles, instead of being 
placed in any cab that comes to hand. Of course this cannot be done 
without considerable expense ; for with all our social science we have 
not yet acquired the art of keeping carriages for nothing. So, reader, 
should it ease your mind to learn that fever- carriages are being started 
for your safety, in common with that of other healthy members of the 
public, we think that the intelligence should ease your pocket too. for 
if you share the benefit yon ought to share the cost of it. A hint from 
Punch of course will be sufficient on this head, and will set the hand 
of every apprehensive reader tugging at his purse-strings, every tug 
whereat will lessen his chances of infection when he takes a cab. Give 
your orders, gentlemen ( Post Office orders we now mean) to the trea- 
surer of the Carriage Fund, London Fever Hospital, Liverpool Road, 
N. ; by whom bequests and cheques and any odd sums won at cards, 
or any other conscience moneys, will be thankfully received. 



Innocence. 

WE copy the following from a recent number of The Grandmother* 't 
Gazette. "A pretty little child, being asked by her godpapa where 
cotton grew, replied, with the greatest simplicity, in gentlemen s 
ears." 

A TREMENDOUS BURST Or WIT. 

A WRETCHED Plumber, writing to another Plumber, says in a foot- 
note, " Piping times, these ! " 



32 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 19, 1861. 




ji-j e fin 

Boy. " I SAT, JOHN, AIN'T YOUR MASTER A LOOKIX' FOR YOU, NEETHER ! " 



iHOW EXTREMELY LUCKY. 

SPEAKING of the bombardment of Gaeta, one of 
" the Correspondents " says : 

'The Spanish minister had also a narrow escape, for 
as ho was lying in bed he received the rather unpleasant 
visit of a round shot f which smashed the washing-stand 
opposite." 

Don PUNCH has no knowledge of the lavatory 
habits of this particular Spaniard ; but from a 
general acquaintance with the customs of the 
nation to which the Minister belongs, DON 
PUNCH may venture to congratulate him on the 
damage jn question having occurred to the very 
article whose loss would occasion him the least 
inconvenience. If it had been the mirror, or the 
pot of black stuff for anointing the hair and 
moustaches, DON PUNCH'S sympathy should 
have been as freely proffered as his congratula- 
tions are now tendered. 



A Slavish Difference. 

IN England, we are in the habit of saying, 
"Base is the slave that pays." 

In America, however, it would be very dif- 
ferent. There in the Southern States, with the 
Slave trade in full operation, it would be thought, 
"Base is the Slave that does NOT pay." 



MOTTO FOE A HOMEOPATHIC PHYSICIAN. 

Nec scio, nee enim euro. 

I neither understand, nor cure oh! (Freelu 
translated.) 



SNARING PEASANTS. 

THE Game Laws give occasion to some pretty little games. Here is 
one for instance that was played the other day before the Magistrates 
at Cirencester : 

" At the Cirencester Petty Sessions, on Monday the Magistrates present being 
the REV. HENRY CRIPPS (Chairman), and MESSRS. CRIPPS, MORRIS, and HARTLAND 
THOMAS HALL, a simple-looking countryman, who appeared bordering on starvation, 
and whose clothes hung about him in rags, was brought up in custody, charged 
with being out in pursuit of game in the preserves of EAKL BATHORST. 

" The information was laid by KIN'O, head gamekeeper to LORD BATHCRST, and 
he called a. witness who deposed that he met the prisoner at twelve o'clock at night, 
and went with him through the woods in search of pheasants, saw him shoot at a 
bird which was roosting in a tree ; he struck it, but did not kill it ; he had several 
shots at it, but with the same result. 

" Prisoner, on being called on for his defence, said he was in bed in his own 
cottage on the night in question ; that the last witness came and' knocked him up, 
and asked him to go with him and shoot a pheasant, adding that he was very ' hard 
up,' and that he had shot a hare the evening before, and sold it for 2*. Gd. in Ciren- 
cester, and if prisoner would come and shoot him a pheasant he should be very 
glad. Witness was a stranger to him, and he had never seen him before. He 
(prisoner) had no gun ; but the witness produced a gun, and loaded it, and as they 
were going along the witness pointed to a pheasant in one of the trees, and asked 
him to shoot it. He shot, but did not hit it, and the witness loaded the gun three 
or four times for him (prisoner) to fire, but he killed nothing. He should not have 
thought of going out, if the witness had not called him up, aud brought the guu 
and loaded it for him, 

" The Chairman said the Bench considered the case proved. The prisoner 
admitted that he shot at the pheasants. He had been convicted for poaching in 
JS58 ; and the sentence now was that he be committed to prison for three months, 
nnd, at the expiration of that time, find sureties for his good behaviour for a further 
period of six months.". 

A very proper sentence, some readers may remark. But wait a bit : 
another charge was brought against the prisoner, and proved by the 
same witness, who alone had given evidence, and supported the first 
charge. Being questioned, this deponent confessed that he was paid 
by the head keeper of LORD BATHURST to tempt and trap the prisoner 
to commit the crime. Whereupon an honest lawyer (such creatures 
are still extant) named 

" MR. WILLIAM BOODLE, who happened to be in court on another case, asked to 
be allowed to say a few words. He did not speak as an attorney, but as an English- 
man, and he thought any man with English feeling must feel indignant at the 
manner in which this poor starving wretch had been trapped into crime. He had 
hoped that the system pursued by JONATHAN Wn o, of tirst making men thieves, 
and then taking blood-money for their apprehension, had been extinct in this 
country since that worthy wa-* executed. 

" MR. BOODLE then asked the witness if he had a licence, and he said ' Xo.' He 
then asked him for his address ; but MK. B^VIR, the Magistrate's clerk, told him 
not to answer the question. 

*' MR. BOODLE said what he had got out was quite enough. The witness admitted 
having shot a hare, and being present when the prisoner shot the pheasant and the 
rabbit, and for each of these acts, not having a licence, he was liable to a penalty of 
,'20. He (MR. BOODLE) would himself turn common informer to enforce these 
penalties if nobody else would. 



" MR. BOODLE then formally applied for an information against the witness. 

" After what had passed, the magistrates refused to convict in the second case,, 
and so great was the excitement against the witness by the parties in court, that he 
had to be taken under the protection of the police, and let out through a side 
door. 

MR. BOODLE said he had never witnessed such disgraceful proceedings in his- 
whole life, and he pledged himself to bring the case under the notice of the Secre- 
tary of State, with a view to obtain the prisoner's liberation. 

" The proceedings caused intense excitement, and MR. BOODLE'S remarks wert- 
received with bursts of cheering, which it was impossible to repress." 

" Bravo, BOODLE ! " doubtless was among the cries in Court, and 
one which Mr. Punch feels strongly urged to echo. And Mr. Punch, 
although a sportsman, and therefore no friend to poachers, would wish 
his strongest influence to back up MR. BOODLE in his attempt to get 
the sentence on the prisoner reversed. Albeit perhaps no crime in the 
eyesight of the law, snaring peasants is a greater in the eyes of J/>-. 
Punch than even snaring pheasants; and could LORD BATHUHST'S 
precious keeper and his still more precious witness be sentenced each 
to twice the punishment inflicted on their victim, no one would be 
better pleased than Mr. Punch, or feel more inclined to testify that it 
served them jolly right. 



HAVING HIS SWING FOR HIS MONEY. 

WE all of us know (at least we do and that is quite sufficient for. 
our purpose) the engraving of a boy swinging on a gate, and which, 
is called As Happy as a King. We wonder if young FRANCIS of 
Naples can be said to be in a similar joyful predicament, and yet he 
has been holding on to Gatita now for some time past, affording great 
amusement, if not to himself, at all events to others who expect to see 
him every minute knocked off the last perch he has to cling to. The 
amusement, however, must be an expensive one, and we never open a- 
morning newspaper without expecting to find in it that FRANCIS 
has at last lost his balance. As it seems to be a doubtful point whether 
BOMBALINO is altogether as Happy as a King, might we be allowed to 
wish him a Happy New Year, which we do most sincerely, as it strikes 
us very forcibly that his Neapolitan Majesty, as events promise to 
turn out, will sadly be in want of one. 



The Farting between Wisdom and Folly. 

IT is a very singular thing, but no less true than singular true, ws 
may say, to a hair that if a man parts his hair down the middle, we 
are uncharitably apt to look upon him as a fool ; but if a woman "parts 
her hair down the side, we are generally inclined (and with equal want 
of charity, perhaps) to put her down as a clever woman. 



Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13. Upnar Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Efani, of No. 19, Queen'* Road West, Regent's Park, both In tlie 'Parlih of St. Pancras, la the 1 Count); of Mlddleao, 
Printers, at their Office in LomUrJjStreet, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in tlie Cilyjof London, and Publisher by them at No. 8j, Fleet 'Street, in the Pariah gf St. Bride, in th City cf 
London, SATURDAY, January 19, 13:1. 



JANCABT 20, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



33 




THE MORNING AFTER THE JUVENILE PARTY. 

Papa. " WHY, TOM, I 'M AFRAID YOU MUST HAVE EATEN TOO MUCH CAKE LAST 
NIGHT. You LOOK QUITE SEEDY THIS MORNINU ! " 

Little SMer. " OH, NO, PAPA, DEAR, IT CAN'T BE THAT. HE EAT THE THINGS 
OUT OF THE CRACKEBS, BUT HE DIDN'T TOUCH THE SEED CAKE ! " 



SENTIMENT IN Till; SHERIFFS COURT. 

AT the Sheriff's Court, Red Lion Square, MR. MOUN- 
TAIN, who appears to hare succeeded our old friend 
Hi: MI-, having made a number of proclamations of out- 
lawry at the suit of gentlemen whose names were, as usual, 
chiefly Semitic ; according to the Law Report : 

1 The Court wai closed with the uiutl formalltlei until St. Valen- 
tine's Day." 

The fact that the Sheriff's Court opens on Valentine's 
Day is one of those things which have hitherto been not 
generally known. Now that it is made known universally 
by its publication in these pages, the Sheriff's Court will 
acquire a sentimental interest in the eyes of many who 
were always accustomed to regard it with unmitigated 
disgust. A suit in the Sheriff's Court has usually sug- 
gested the idea of a beggarly action on a dishonest accom- 
modation bill, brought by a usurer against a scamp. On 
the first day of Term in that tribunal, however, being 
Valentine's Day, the suitors may be expected to consist 
of gay young bachelors, and the parties sued of spinsters 
to match ; the suits not being suits at law but suits at 
love. Paring the skin, then, off the bones of a debtor, will 
not in the Sheriff's Court, be the order of the day which 
birds devote to pairing ; but happy pairs will pair off thence 
like the sparrows in the neighbouring grove of Red Lion 
Square. 

Billing will take the place of those transactions which 
arise out of bill-discounting ; billets will come before the 
Court instead of bills ; and the dove or pigeon, instead 
of screaming in the talons of the pecuniary kite, will coo 
for a mate. Hearts will be transfixed by the arrows of 
little Cupid instead of being sliced by little Shj/locki ; and 
we [have authority for stating that the authorities of the 
Sheriff's Court, namely, of course, the Sheriffs, intend to 
put MR. MOUNTAIN and all the bumbailiffs on Valentine's 
Day into pink fleshings, and lend their shoulders winzs 
for the day ; the gauza wings which are proper to the little 
Loves, and properties which will readily be lent by MB. 
NATHAN, of Titchbourne Street. 

The Sheriff's Court does not try breach of promise cases, 
which are the only actions whereof cognisance ought to 
be taken by a Court which opens on Valentine's day. 
Otherwise : 

" And I a maid al year window 
To bo your Valentine," 

might be the song of ME, SOLOMONS, representing his 
client the plaintiff in Ophelia versus Hamlet. 



CABINET CONVERSATION. 

Lord John Russell. MY dear PALMERSTON, the Session approaches. 
Do you mean to let me bring in a .Reform Bill ? 

Lord Palm erston. Well, really, my dear JOHN, if you ask me that 
question by the way, are you going to St. Paul's to hear the oratorio ? 

Lord John. I think not. I am not sure that DR. CUM.MING would 
quite like it. But, ha! ha! never mind St. Paul's, let's talk of St. 
Stephen's. 

Lord Pal. At Vienna. Wonderful old Church deuced picturesque. 
DAVID ROIIERTS has painted it capitally, from both ends. 

Lord John. St. Stephen's at Westminster. 

Lord Pal. Exists no longer, my dear JOHN. You of all folks ought 
to be better up in the history of Parliament. 

Lord John. You know what, 1 mean. Have you made up your mind? 
Are we to have a lleform Bill ? 

Lord Pal. Upon my word, it's an important question.'and that 
reminds me to tell you to go and hear FAKADAY. You *ve no idea how 
interesting he is. 

Lord John. I don't understand his theory on the Conservation of 
Forces, but I know that you will not conserve yours, if you don't do 
something for the Liberal party. 

Lord Pal. That 's very true, and very well put, and we ought to do 
something to show that we are entitled to the confidence of our friends. 
Do you like caviar ? 

Lord John. No, I think it 's beastly. Are we to have a Reform Bill ? 
Because I must be preparing my speech. 

Lord Pal. That is true, exceedingly true. It is the duty of a states- 
man to be thoroughly well up in his subjects, and 1 say, what a Guy 
they have made you in that last photograph. 

Lord John. Opinions differ, but 1 shall sit for another on the morning 
after I introduce the Final lleform Bill. What date had 1 better lix 
for it? 

VOL. 1L. 



Lord Pal Date? Ah, when you come to dates you talk business, 
and that is what I like. And talking of dates, how deuced old our 
friend LADY PIGWHISTLETON is looking. 

Lord John. Well, she's no chicken. She was a very handsome 
creature at the time I brought in the first Reform Bill. When shall I 

^Wpal 'firing in the lastP Ha! ha! One would think you 
were a cobbler. By the way, I'm sorry there's a thaw, for ones 
boots get wet with the slightest walk in the slush. 

lord John. I have had no time for walking, having been so boar in 
getting up the returns for my Reform Bill. I think I will fix the first 
of March for bringing it in. 

Lord Pal. First of March well, as a mere day that is as good as 
any other. Stop, by Jove, no it isn't. It 's a Friday this year. 
never bring in a Reform Bill on a Friday P 

Lord John. I am not superstitious. 

Lord Pal. No, no, Friday, that won't do. No; my dear JOHN, not 
on f Friday. I must be going, though. 

Lord John. Well, but when shall 1 say - 

Lord Pal. (going). No. no, Friday won't do all the fools m England 
will be in a clamour, and they are the majority Friday won 



Lord John (running to the window). But when ? Hi ! When ? 

Lord Pal. (getting on hu horte). Some Sunday in the middle of the 
week. Ha! ha! (Contort off.) , 

Lord John. I don't believe that man is a Reformer at heart. I m 
blessed if I don't think he 's a Tory. I 'm blowed if I don t. [ A*w. 

A MATTZR Of TRANSPORT. 

WE only wish that Frost (we mean, of course, King Frost) could be 
transported again-to Siberia, the Arctic Regions, Iceland, the North 
Pole anywhere, so long as he could be got out of the kingdom. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 26, 1861, 




PAUL PRY IN THE PULPIT. 

ON the whole Mr. Punch can hardly be considered as 
the most devoted son of the Roman Catholic Church, but 
he begs to say that with all the errors of the Scarlet Lady, 
she has one poiut of honour. Many of her priests doubt- 
less make a very bad use of Confessional Secrets; but they 
,!>> not get, up into pulpits and proclaim the private cha- 
racters aud past sins of those who trust them. That delicate 
method of doing good is reserved for the Baptists. Here 
is a scrap .from the Marylebone Mercury, Jan. 19 : 

THE REV. 0. H- SPLTKGKON" AT SIIDIJLDHAM STREET 

. I'EL. HHYANSTON SQUARE. 

"The RKV. C. II. SH'KISKON preached at this Chapel on Wednesday 
monihi'-,' tn an audience occupying every portion of the edifice. His 
is to collect money for the buildiug fund of the Metropolitan 
Tabernacle." 

We need not trouble our readers with the details of his 
sermon, but will merely say that he preached the red-hottest 
of doctrines. 

' MB. SPURGEON then spoke of the c;n;at effects of the revival, aud 
said that at least 500 out of his l.iiiB) members wore a few years ago 
traviata* (he used an uglier word), drunkards, fec. MR. SP0BGBOK 
then alluded to his tabernacle, and said tho coat of it was 30,000. 
vhicb. he had roct-i , NIK to be raised 

r>y :Ust .March next : how he did not know, but, &c. &c." 

Suppose he tries liush- Money. A good many people 
might like to stand a trifle towards his hideous new taber- 
nacle, rather than be labelled in this manner. Decidedly 
the priests of Rome behave more like gentlemen and 
Christians than the anything but particular Baptists. 



THE GCAEDS' MONUMENT- GOVERNMENT NOTION OF A BECOMING 
VVINTEK COSTUME FOE LADIES. 



Birds of a Feather. 

THK Manchester Guardian, as a proof of the severity 
of the late weather, relates th capture of a fine jack-snipe 
" in the very heart of Manchester ; " within the warehouse 
of MESSRS. BANNEKJIAX & SONS, tfork Street. Most people 
would take care to eat every snipe they could get ; but our 
Manchester contemporary says that the captor of this one, 
instead of appropriating it to stuff himself withal, intends 
to have it stuffed, " in order to commemorate the fact of 
the intense frost." He will then perhaps make a present of 
it to some society; and as the snipe that settled in a Man- 
chester warehouse, must be an oddity in its way, he may 
probably be disposed to tender this strange bird to the 
Odd fellows of the Manchester Unity. 



PUBLICANS AND SINNERS. 

AT first thought, the connection between sewerage and beer will 
doubtless be regarded as anything but obvious ; and the reader may 
be puzzled by learning from the Times that the Commissioners ol 
Sewers held a meeting the other day, whereat, after other business had 
been brought before them, DR. LETMEUY introduced his quarterly 
report, containing information of much interest to the public, and 
among it the following, relating to the " publics :" 

" In some cases of adulteration the practice of it has a far more extensive relation 
to the affairs of the community than at first sight appears. To take the sophistica- 
tion nf beer and porter as an instance, it is well known that the publicans, almost 
without exception, reduce their liquors with water after they are received from the 
brewer. The proportion in which this is added to the beer at the better class of 
houses is nine gallons per puncheon, and iu siton..-rato establishments the quan- 
tity of water is doubled. This must be compensated for by the addition of ingre- 
dients which give the appearance of strength, and a mixture is openly sold for the 
purpose. The composition of it varies in different cases ; for each expert has his 
own particular nostrum. The chief ingredients, however, are a saccharine body, a* 
foots and liquorice to aweetenit; a bitter principle, as gentian, quassia, sumach, 
aud terra japonica, to give astringency ; a thickening material, as linseed, to give 
body : a colouring matter, as burnt nugar, to darken it ; cocr-ulus indicus, to give a 
falsest!-: piuunm salt, capsicum, copperas, and Dantzic spruce, to pr.i- 

^ad, as wel! as to import certain refinements <if flavour. In the case of ale, 
its apparent strength is restored with bitters and sugar-candy." 

This somewhat explains the puzzle we began wit.h. When we find 
that beer is doctored with such beastliness, we can scarcely feel sui - 
prised at its being viewed as something to be brought before the nose 
of the Commissioners of Sewers. A mixture of quassia, sumach, lin- 
seed, capsicum, copperas, and cocculus indicus, is much mon: fit. U; 
flow down drains tliau down the human throat, and far more deserve 
the name of sewerage than stimulant. 

With such evidence as Da. LETHKHY brings before us, we seem to 
understand a bit of slang one hears where cabmen mostly congregate, 
and apostrophise their chums with, "Now then, BILL, let's 'ave a 
Drain ! " It is ceitainlv enough to make one turn teetotaller when one 
hears what noxious stuff is sold to one as beer, and how the publicans 
conspire to make a cesspool of one's stomach. Surely converts to the 
water faith might easily be gained by any lectnrer who chose to trnvel 
through the country, and to illustrate his lecture wiUi some water- 



colour drawings showing the horrors that are drinkable in a drop of 
beer. 

But besides injuring one's person, as capsicum and copperas cer- 
tainly must do, it is easily made clear that they must hurt one's pocket, 
unless indeed one lives without having to pay taxes, which few readers 
of Punch, we fear, are so favoured as to do. Says DJJ.LEIHEBY on this 
point : 

" Apart from the question of how much injury is done to the health of the con- 
sumer by this practice, or how large is the fraud on the pocket of the purchaser, it 
is a matter of interest to know what is the effect of it on the revenue. There 
arc, I believe, about 0,200 publicans and beer retailers in tills metropolis. Supposing 
that each, on an average, has a sale for only six barrels of beer and porter per week, 
and that the degree of dilution is but to the ex tent of five gallons of water per barrel, 
in the aggregate there would have been used 136,000 gallons of water per week. 
This, if properly and honestly brewed into beer, would have required about 1,722 
quarters of malt; aud as each quarter of malt pays a duty of 1-lt. (3d. to the revenue, 
there is a fraud of rather more than 1,937 sterling per week, or nearly 100,800 
per annum." 

So, besides swindling their customers and half-poisoning them to 
boot, by giving them bad doctor's stuff when they ask for beer, the 
adulterating publicans cheat the public into paying above 100,000 per 
annum more taxes than they ought to pay. Well, now we know that 
selling beer is such a fraudulent transaction, we shall abstain as much 
as possible from giving it encouragement. We have no wish to assist 
the trade of inland smuggling in which so many of our innkeepers, it 
seems, are now engaged; and as we don't want to commit suicide, we 
shall rigidly observe a total abstinence from beer, excepting when we 
get it from the brewery direct. 



All Souls in a Nut Shell. 

Punch litem dat. Give o'er your strains, 

Nor swear like angry cats ; 
The Dons are right to banish brains, 

For All Soles must be Elats. 



FOB CCLNJBY HATCH. 

WHO is the most melancholy of young ladies ? MIS.O. 



JANUARY 20, 1861-1 



PUNCH, Gil THE LONDON CIIARIVAPJ. 



35 



A QUERY FOR THE ARMY. 

' 




your 
and 

Journal 
I 



wrM I . 



regiments can learn to shoot better than a 
twenty-ninth, which Las been shooting at marks 

'""'I *" of win(r this letter to the 




! 



r r 



course, no Fizurc of 
ilrrit lint jour own, 
CAM- I 

KKIDCK, in his zeal for 
the Army, may be 
pardoned for having 
adopted the phrase, in 
order to imply a stan- 
dard of good shooting 
with the rifle. 

"H.R.H. has just 
published, very pro- 
perly, an account of 
the snooting which our 
soldiers have performed 
during the past year, 
and has shown the re- 
spective merit of each 
regiment. I am not 
going to say who are at 
tin- top of the class, 
and who are at tbe 
bottom, but I do want 
to ask a question. 

" 1 perceive no men- 
tion of any of our 
regular Riflemen (I 
mean the old dark 
green boys who were 

supposed to be such woniierful shots, and who have been practising all the days of their 

military life) until I come to Number 29 on the list. Then one Rifle regiment gets a good 

mark ; and ever so far down again I see another. 
" Please, Sir, how is this ? Were the old Rifles a sham, or have the officers neglected 

their duties, or is the new system of teaching so good that in a short time twenty-eight 



t of 

luiM- been 

MM- by military men, to th disturb-in'" of my 
comprehend the , dj licm . i )reakfast . ] should infallibly have 

1 due to a read. 'If an ass of a civilian like CMBpiotJCT 

jnsists on minding other people's business 

M-.IIM-! 



. 

:' 
Ihe 



...n,. 
re is reallj, 



trouble to inform himself on the subject, and 
not make a display of disgusting ignorance, 
when any drummer boy could tell the fool that, 
&c., &c., &c., but happily the Rifle Regiments, 
which conquered at Poictiers, Bjenheim, Water- 
loo, &c, So., &c., stand too high to heed the 
impertinent imputations of some unknown 
tallow-chandler,' &c &c. You, Mr. Punch, will 
protect me from this sort of thing, and if yon 
can, please to obtain me an answer to the 
question, 
" Why the Riflemen can't shoot? 

"I am, Sir, yours most deferentially, 



" Stilton nita: Cheshire!' 



CREFPMOUSE." 



SEASONABLE ADVICE. 

BT A rBOZEK-OCT OARDEKER. 

Now weed your wardrobes and rake up your 
old clothes, (i I'lier all your left-off coats and 
iitb>r garments in a beap, and then sow them 
broadcast among your poorer neighbours. Plant 
out your old boots, and prune down ymir spare 
linen. Well winnow your lumber closets, and 
collect all the old hats and caps, and railway rugs 
and comforters which you may find garnered 
there. Sow broadcast as before, choosing out tbe 
soil that you think hungriest and poorest. 

By acting in this way, Charity may cover a 
multitude of skins, without being herself a penny 
out of pocket by it. 



[ADVERTISEMENT.] 

THE NEW PEEIODICAL. 

ANOTHER VOLUME OF THE CABINET LIBRARY. 



MESSRS. PALMERSTON, RUSSELL, & Co., have the honour to 
announce that early in March, will (unless accident intervene) be 
Published, No. V. of the unpopular Periodical, 

THE REFORM BILL: 

OR THE POLITICAL OLLA PODRIDA FOR 1861. 

With the following Contributions by eminent Persons : 

I.. EXTENSION OF THF, SUFFRAGE. By the LORD JOHN RUSSELL. 

II. RESTRICTION OF THE SUFFRAGE. By the LOBD HERBERT or LEA. 

III. RIGHT OF THE UNTAXEI) TO CONTROL TAXATION. By W. E. GLAD- 

STONE, Esq. 

IV. FANCY VOTES FOR POETS AND MUSICIANS. By the LORD CARLISLE. 
V. UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE. By the BIGIIT Hos. MILKER GIBSON. 

VI. "WHO IS ON EXETEH HALL'S SIDE, WHO?" By the LORD SBATES- 

BURY, D D. 

VII. LET PHILOSOPHERS GOVERN. By Sm G. C. LEWIS. 
VIII. JUSTICE TO OIRELAND. By THE O'HAGAX. 
IX. VOX LEG1S VOX SAl'lF.XTI.fi By the LOD CAMIBIU.. 
X. THE FOK'SLE AND THE HUSTINGS. By LOUD CLAREUCI PAOET. 
XI. RIGHTS OF THE PEOPLE CALLED RANTERS. By SIR W. ATHERTOX. 
XII. CIVIL SERVANTS AND POLITE MASTERS. By the DCKE or SOMERSET. 

XIII. THE SOFA, OR SHOULD WOMAN VOTE? By WILLIAM COWPER, Esq. 

XIV. ALL THINGS MADE PLEASANT. By the LORD PAL*BSTO. 

New Palace, Westminster, S.W. 



DONF. IN A MELTISG MOMENT. 



SNOBS AND SQUIBS. 

BULL-BAITING and Cock-fighting have ceased to bold a place among 
our national amusements, but something like a taste for cruelty still 
lingers in our mobs, as the following description of a night-scene on 
the Serpentine last week will amply testify : 

" The scene was altogether of a most exoitiig character. An Immense number 
of serpenu were ignited and thrown up m the banlu among the public, and u they 
exploded and the sparks flew about, especially amc.ng the women, the scene became 
(earful, and upwards of twenty women were more or less burnt. The sham fight 
was carried on, one party firing from the north shore, another from the south ; but, 
eventually, both parties commenced the medley attack, and fireworks were thrown 
indiscriminately about, and many person* were injured. A woman named PHOEBE 
HOPE had her clothes set on fire, and she was so badly injured that ah* was taken 
to her residence In Carltoa Street, Vauxhall." 

Of course people may say, what business hare women to go out after 
dark, and mix in a night-mob of chimney-sweeps and costermongers ! 
But were chimney-sweeps and costermongers the only roughs there 
present? Did not gents and counter-jumpers play a part too in the 
farce, which we fancy must have nearly been turned into a tragedy ? 
Were there none of the so-reckoned "educated classes" who let off 
squibs and roman candles without looking who were near them, or if 
they looked, perhaps picked out. a place lor the discharge where Crino- 
line did mostly congregate ? Of course their plea would be, that they 
did it " for a lark," and had no intention to injure anybody. But is 
this plea, do you think, a reasonable excuse lor frightening women 
into fits, and burning upwards of a score of them ? And if persons 
don't know better how they should conduct themselves when there are 
women present, don't you 'think it reasonable that they ought to be 
taught, albeit they belong to the "educated classes' 1 ! 



The Ribbon Conspiracy. 

Wr, never like to be rude to good folk, but just now we should feel 
inclined to send all charitable souls to Coventry; and although a firm 
friend of "peace, law, and order," we should not. object to see Rib- 
WHY is Ice in a thaw like Philanthropy? Because it gives in all braism in (he ascendency in England. Hats off, Ladies, and bonnets 
directions. >.K rescu? ! 



36 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 2G, 1861. 







THE CLERICAL BEARD MOVEMENT. 

WE DO NOT TOE ONE MOMENT PRESUME TO SAY WHETHER IT IS RIGHT OR WRONG, ONLY, IF THIS SORT OF THING IS TO PREVAIL, 

WHAT'S TO BECOME OF CAPTAIN HEAVYSWELL? 



FROST AND THAW. 

IT was hard KING FROST and soft QUEEN THAW, 

Came lately to a tussle, 
Where the King he prevailed, with his hands ice-mailed, 

And his iron strength of muscle. 
And with scornful mien, he bespake the Queen, 

Who strove to invade his dominions, 
With her languid sighs, and her weeping eyes, 

And her soft and drooping pinions 

Quoth he, "Begone to the snivelling South, 

Where the mist hangs hot and heavy : 
There hid parched air from steaming earth 

Its toll of moisture levy. 
Go, slacken the hold of the slight Spring-cold, 

And melt the April rime, 
But leave to me black Januarie, 

And the bitter New Year time. 

" I crack the tire, I rive the rail, 

I mock the might of iron, 
Make brittle the bone, and shatter the stone, 

And the mountains with ice environ. 
A touch the mattock and spade are still, 

The trowel and hod go down 
The board is bare and the hearth is chill, 

And hunger holds the town. 

" And is it thou, poor puling Queen, 

Woulds't tame a might like mine ? 
Woulds't lift the brand of my scathing band, 

And loose where I confine ? 
Go, do thy worst bid the rivers burst 

My fetters, an if they may, 
Bid earth rejoice, give the birds a voice, 

And make men's spirits gay." 



Then soft QUEEN THAW to her side "gan draw, 

Her gracious ministrle ; 
She summoned the warm airs from the South, 

The soft rains from the sea. 
And sore she strove by the might of love, 

KING FROST'S hard rule to quell, 
But the airs in her train came shivering again, 

And her rains they froze as they fell ! 

Then sudden this thought to her heart was brought, 

" Fool, to waste sun and shower 
'Tis not KING FROST, whose path I've crost, 

But Nature's guiding power ! 
Beneath His law stand Frost and Thaw ; 

We work but as He wills ; 
KING FROST'S keen knife clears way for life, 

When he makes boast it kills. 

"In earth and air I'll strife forbear : 

Leave them to Nature's law, 
But Frost shall see, though strong he be, 

There 's a triumph still for Thaw. 
On human hearts 1 '11 turn my arts, 

Love's fount therein unseal, 
Till the hard shall give, and the dead shall live, 

And the slow to pity feel." 

God speed such Thaw ! still may it draw 

A force from all around, 
Till Love's green tree shoot fair and free, 

From out the frozen ground. 
High may it spring and broadly fling 

Its palm-like* arms, that need 
May find wherewith to clothe itself, 

To shelter, warm and feed ! 

* Tlio Palm supplies both food, shelter, clothing, and fuel- 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JAXUART 2G, 1861. 




FROST 



AXD 



THAW. 



JANUARY 2'J, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 






REVOLUTION IN EVENING PARTIES. 

BT A RED-NOSED OLD WALL-FLOWR. 




They go at ten or later ; leave 
At two or three ; perhaps at four. 

Why, girls themselves, one would believe, 
Must find such sitting up a bore ! 

Or if to dance in gay attire 
Afford a pleasure so intense, 



HEKE is a madness staring, 

stark, 
At which I'm iu amazement 

lost, 
Thermometers some twenty 

mark, 
Or twenty odd, degrees of 

frost, 

Not only common rivers cease 
Towards the sea their waves 

to pour, 
Whilst up them come wild 

ducks and geese, 
But Thames himself is frozen 

o'er! 

The frantic folly, that astounds 
My reason with its awful 

height, 

Is that of people going rounds 
Of evening parties night by 

night. 



And such aii ecstacy inspire, 

a exclude all other sense, 
Thrr . t which might well 

>1 the girl of emptiest head 

.is worn by ball-room belle, 
'Tis that of going home to bed. 

The fire extinct the middle-class 
At least must let im-ir srrvants sleep- 



Oh dea 
Are 

WIlH' 

From ha 
To-morrow, 



Id ! and what an ass 
hours as these to keep ! 
you now derive 

lines t clothes, 
i rou 're alive, 



You'll have a cold; talk through your nose. 

But hir you have to ride 

Miles from a stupid County ball, 
That scene of vanity and pride, 

; is worst of all. 

What have your hapless flunkeys done, 
lould have the task severe 

i to drive no fun 
i'ou home at such a time of year ? 

irothers ! I appeal to you, 
WJtaen bate reason, men have ruth, 
All evAing parlies to escliew, 

md vow let all our youth, 
ttH they shall no more extend 

jlit to the rising sun ; 

uptime to spend, 
To go at seven MM leave at one. 



REAL CONSCIENCE MONEY. 

MR. PUNCH begs to express the extreme pleasure with which he 
reads every day the lists of charitable donatious which the hard season 
has set flowing into the poor-boxes and other treasuries of benevolence. 
He begs to assure the kind-hearted world, that he carefully peruses 
every item in every one of the lists, and not a name escapes him, from 
that of the Countess who sends her 25 to that of the Little School 
Girl, who sends her Shilling for the poor. And he also notes all the 
Fancy Signatures, blows a kiss to "Pet," "Rosebud," "Little Maria," 
and all the rest oft he charitable fairies, and shakes hands with "Crib," 
"Blobbs," "Two Uglies,"and all the other good fellows who give 
their money and not their names. 

But it appears to him that there is an absence of what is rather 
foolishly called " Conscience Money." He does not mean that the 
hypocrites or idiots who stealthily inclose bank-notes to Mil. GLACSTONK 
could be expected to remit money for any sensible or laudable object. 
They merely try to patch up holes in their old tin-kettle consciences, 
and, having cheated other people, are now endeavouring to cheat 
themselves ; but there must be a great many small offences committed 
about this time, and if people would only fine themselves (or, which is 
pleasaiiter, fine others) for these things, and send the fines to the 
Magistrates, a very large addition would be made to the collection for 
the wretched. 

For instance, we should much like to read this in the Times, under 
the head of "Police "-.- 

MR. KNOX then proceeded to acknowledge thn following contri- 
butions to the Poor-box : A Repentant Attorney, 6s. 8d. Atonement 
for having Snubbed a Wife, 1. For impertinence to my Husband, 
5. One who stayed too late at his Club, Is. Tip withheld from a 
Stupid Nephew, 10s. Christmas Box denied to a lazy Laundress, 5*. 
b'ine lor abusing a Cabman to whom I had given the wrong direction, 
3*. 6rf. Fine for having given my Husband a bad dinner, 1. For 
having taken a cab when I ought to have walked, 7*. IW. For having 
said that there were some wise things iu TCPPKR'S Philosophy, 10. 
For having said we were glad to see UNCLE and AUNT SLIMY, A Hus- 
band and Wife, 1 10*. For having stayed away from Church, 20. For 
having gone to hear some Blacked Vocalists, 5. For having kicked Dash 
because 1 tumbled over him, 1. For having pleaded a cold as an ex- 
cuse for not singing when 1 ouly wanted not to sing until HORACE came, 
but he ought to pay half for being so late, 5s. For Not Backing my Bill 
when the chop was black, A Club-man, 10. For using a bad word when 
[ fell down on the ice, f>d. For sulkius with ARTHUR because lie 
broke a cracker with ELIZA and not me, 3s. Grf. For blowins up the 
taxgatherer, Id. For forgetting to take home Punch, 100. For 
lathering a Contributor for MS. when lie wanted to go out shooting, A 
Remorseful Editor, 10. For being a little late with MS., A Forgiving 
Contributor, Grf. For not bruisiug my oats yet, 5s. For letting the 
children go out iu the east wind, 15. For inviting JENKINS, whom 



my wife hates, W. For swearing at an organ-man, and afterwards 
kicking him out of the street, li</. For sending Punch an Old Joe, 
and saying " it occurred not a hundred miles from my town," 20. For 
Hiding CHARLES'S Cigar-Case because he would not take me to the 
Theatre, An Evil Wife, 5. For refusing to take HESTER to the 
theatre, 5s. For getting so Brotherly at Lodge that I had to be seen 
home, 1 Is. For Sneezing in a Stentorian manner at the Theatre, 10s. 
For IV tending I was engaged when Ma. STUMPI SNOBB asked me to 
dance, 2. 6d. For Blackballing a Candidate whom I had promised to 
second, 4d. For Laughing at a Lanky Volunteer, 2. 



% NOTICES FOR THE COMING SESSION. 

THE following Notices have been given for the approaching Session 
of Parliament : 

MB. ROEBUCK. To ask MB. GILPIN whether he is a descendant of 
John Oilpin, and otherwise to insinuate to the remarkable Minister, 
that when humble people are suddenly elevated to the backs of horses, 
they are very likely to ride in an objectionable direction. 

MR. EDWIN JAMES. To move an Address to the Crown for leave to 
him to wear his Blouse and Pistols (as delineated in the Illtutrated 
London News) the first time he moves the Address in the House of 
Commons. 

MB. W. WILLIAMS. To move an Address to the Crown for leave 
to him, when he receives his coronet of Viscount, to have the tame 
electroplated, as more in accordance with the economical principles 
of the day than gold or silver-gilt. Also to ask the Crown when it is 
likely the Hon. Member will have the said distinction. 

COLONEL NORTU. To move that MB. SI-BAKER be instructed to 
issue his warrant to the Serjeant-at-Arms to arrest any Member who, 
not holding a commission in the Army, shall presume to speak or ask a 
question upon any military subject whatsoever. 

SIB FRASCIS BABIBG. To ask VISCOUNT PALMBRSTON the reason 
why he, SIR FRANCIS, is not a member of the present Ministry, and to 
assure the noble Viscount that the nation can have no confidence in 
a Cabinet which has not the official co-operation of the honourable 
baronet. 

MB. BRIGHT. To move that the Warrior be immediately completed, 
and presented by the House of Commons to the EMPEROR or THE 
l-'KhNcu as an assurance of the belief of England that his Majesty will 
never do any harm with that vessel or any other. 



Civil. 

SIR FRANCIS BARING thinks that a very small measure of Reform 
will do, and that lie ouirht to come into the Cabinet. Mr. Punch is a 
moderate reformer, but does not think that the country will be satisfied 
with so very small an improvement as that. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 20, 1861. 




THAT INJVKED INNOCENT THE EX-KING OP NAPLES, is ABOUT TO RETIRE 
INTO PRIVATE LIFE. DELIGHTFUL PAKTT TO MEET SOME EVENING ! 



SENSE FROM SUFFOLK. 

" MUSTEK PUNCH, HONEKD SUE, 

" APNIN to dropp Inn for a i pint at the Blue Lying i 've sin 
yar 2 Big picters of the STABLE and the KOTTIGE which i thinks they 
shood be ung in ivery stabul in the kingdom and in this here thort' I 
thinks yar |llprobabble agree with Me. Our housen aint so Bad in 
Suffuk as i hears they most air in the Midlands, nor Suffuk aint so 
much of a huntin country nayther, cos Shutin 's the chief same amung 
the Bich fokes hereabouts, and when there's such Presarves o' 
phezzants why there aint so many Phoxes as there is down hinder, cos 
you see them buds and animals they don't no ways assosiate but is 
kinder like to Quorrel leastways eat each other np wheniver they've 
the Chance of it. 

"But tho we duznt pigg togither or Siven in a Bed, we isnt no 
ways too well off in the way of phood and cloathun, which my old 
cordereyes is werry nigh amost wore up and my old missus says as ow 
she says she 's Sartin she can't no hows make em stand a Second 
seatin. Nor we aint too flush o food nayther I carat say As we are, 
for things is nition deer, and 9 shillun a weak ye see it aint much of a 
Fortun to keep oneself and Wife and a matter of 8 children, leastways 
we 've ony siven at present but there's a Little un a combin arly in the 
Spring, and coales is riz agin, and byes they've got sich aptites its 
really wholly staunin what wittals they cornsumes, espeshly this here 
whether when they 're slidun 4 the day and Snowballin the tuther. 

" But what I wanted for to Say sir was that Masters ses sometimes 
as we dont Work as we mite, and when we Tarns a muck eap why 
we 're apt to take our Tinie and den't seem in a hurry nor don't care 
to wet our Jackets at it. Well, I don't say it aint true as we're 
kinder apt at times to try and Shirk a bit, and tarnin over muck why 
it ain't exsitin wurk sich as drivin a stage cutch, which they 're all 
druv off the road in this here naybourood at least, cos we 's got the 
Kail at last though 'twas a nition while a combin and a many fokes 
declared we shudent live to see it, but you know the Eastern Countess 
aint Remarkabul for speed, and so wun can't well be surprised it wor 
so long a combin. But, Sir, if so be as how we scamps our work at 
Times taint not Us as is to Blame, its the wittals as is in us. Ye see 
whats trew of hosses is just as trew of Men. If yar wants em to work 
well why yar must feed em well, give em bellies full o earn and not 
leave em to makeshift with a bite or two o" grass, or a stalk o' strar 
istead on't. So y' see if faemers wants more work out of us Labrers, 
why it stands to sense and raison as they must keep us better. Taint 



likely as a chap what lives on bread and cheese with mayhap if he be 
lucky a scrap o' meat on Sundies can work as well as him who 's fed 
well every day on more Substantial dite. Hosses cant do more uor 
six or siveu hours plowun unless yar gives em suthun extry in the way 
o' food at mealtimes. And. how 's a man to buy a bit o' Beefsteak for 
isself to say northun o' pudden on 9 shillun a week, when out o' that 
he have to pay his cloathes and doctors bill and keep his Wife and 
famly from a goin to the Workus ? A drop o' beer too is a deal more 
Nutrititious like than Tea, but in corse a man can't brew on 9 shillins 
a weak, and the beer one gits at Beerouseu is ginerally Doctered. So 
what I ses to Faermers as grumbles at our laziness is Pay us better 
wagis and we'll do better work. Gou us better Ousen and gon us 
better grub, in fack treat us more like Hosses and we '11 work as sich. 
But it taint in human natur fur a Man to goo on workun like a hoss 
when he aint no better fed nor stabled than a Jackass. 

" I remane Sir yours Obejent to comand 

" CRISTOFER CLODD." 
Tudnum way nigh Ipsidge, TAuzday Jintdwerry 17." 



THE SLAVE-OWNEKS' DECLARATION. 

AS PREPARED BY SOUTH CAROLINA, AND PROPOSED BY HER AS FITTING 
TO BE ADOPTED BY THE SLAVE-STATES. 

(By Repaired Atlantic Telegraph.) 

WE, the States whose Representatives have subscribed to the 
following Declaration, do hereby assert and affirm, 

That all mankind have a perfect and equal right to freedom, if they 
can keep it. 

That their being unable to keep it is a proof that they have no right 
to it. 

That the presence of any colouring matter in skin, as in water, is a 
proof, offered by Nature, of the inferiority of the article. 

That we have heard with unutterable disgust and contempt that 
PROPESSOB OWEN considers ADAM and EVE to have had coloured 
skins, and that we should like to leave the said Professor without 
any skin at all. 

That the Lawfulness of Slavery is clearly and indisputably proved from 
the Bible, inasmuch as St. Paul, writing to ONESIMUS, a slave, 
never told him to run away. 

That if there were no other reasons for upholding Slavery, the dastardly 
and sycophantic meanness which would be shown in imitating the 
corrupt and exploded old Mother Country in abolishing the Insti- 
tution is enough to make every real American spit upon the pro- 
posal, and lynch the proposer. 

That Slavery is the most humane Institution in the world ; for, inas- 
much as half the sorrows of white persons arise from the sorrows 
of their husbands, wives, or children in forbidding a race to have 
any husbands, wives, or children to call their own, we deprive 
that race of one-half the suffering we undergo. 

That England has no right to say a word in the matter, while in 
Ireland there is a Protestant Church, and all persons are hanged 
who do not attend it ; while Welsh is strictly forbidden to be used 
in the Debates of the English Parliament ; while Scotchmen are 
forbidden to keep Unicorns ; and while, close to London itself, 
she keeps the natives of a wretched island in such a state of 
demoralisation and misery that it is called the Isle of Dogs. 

That having thus proved from Scripture, from philosophy, from phil- 
anthropy, and from ethnology, that Slavery is the noblest Insti- 
tution in existence, and that patriotism and self-respect alike 
forbid us to bring it into jeopardy, 

We hereby declare- 
That we shall have great pleasure in handing 50,000 dollars 
to any one who will bring us the head of one ABRAHAM 
LINCOLN, and with still greater pleasure will we hand 
100,000 dollars to any one who will deliver us the said 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN alive. 

(Signed, &c.) 



They'll Warm Him. 

NOTWITHSTANDING the severity of the weather, the Piedmontese 
managed to keep up a good fire for KING FBANCIS at Gaeta. In fact, 
so intense was the fire, that on more occasions than one the place was 
almost too hot to hold him. After the 19th, it is expected VICTOR 
EMMANUEL'S troops will subscribe together to give the " Last of the 
BOTOBONS " a little bit more fire. Such liberality, when the cold has 
been severe enough almost to freeze the milk of human kindness in 
every one's breast, cannot be too highly applauded. 



JANUARY 20, 1861.] 



IT.VClf, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



41 



THE TEMPERATURE OF PAUPERS. 

vEiuL Astronomers 
and meteorologists 
afford most useful aud 
entertaining informa- 
tion in the letters 
which they write to 
the Timea on the 
state of the weather. 
They are careful to 
particularise tin 
perature of the ; 
sphere in sundry situ- 
ations where it may 
be interesting to 
know how hot or 
how cold it is. The 
degree at which the 
thermometer 

the lodge in Ken- 
: bingtou Gardens is a 
matter with which it 
is satisfactory to be 
acquainted; hut there 
are other situations 
wherein the readings 
of that instrument are 
of even more import- 
ance ; and therefore 
might as well also be recorded and published. The temperature, during frost, of 
the various Union Workhouses, metropolitan and provincial, is a subject on which 
information is deficient and desirable. How stands Fahrenheit at blioreditch, for 
example, in the asylum for the poor which is warmed by the charity for which the 
guardians of that district are so widely celebrated ? 




A RIDDANCE OF STATE RATS. 

AT the last Meeting of the Statistical Society, in the 
cour.ii: of a discussion which followed the reading of a 
paper by MB. J.; , "On the Progress of the 

.Public Expenditure of the United Kingdom:" 

MR. lltywom. referring to that part of MR. LKVC'I paper 



rc-sjiectinK the payment of penlioiien, "aid that |xmiioiu had him 
granted to the Uauoveriao regiment that fought at Waterloo, but 
thole men poneuod such extraordinary longevity that until within 
the lait >lz yean poumotn had been claimed tor every one of them. 
(Lmut laughter.)" 

This story reminds us of the Hanoverian Rats, as the 
retainers of the illustrious (louse of Hanover were termed 
by the Jacobite "Squires. Some of those vermin appear to 
have been eating up Jouu BULL in the name of the Hano- 
verian soldiers who fought at Waterloo. None of them 
apparently were caugbt ; they were only banished. 
German jesters will perhaps tell us that we ought to be 
well satisfied with having at last got rid of our Hanoverian 
pensioners ; since, when those heroes fought at Waterloo, 
they made.theuiselves immortal. 



English Prize Bull. 

"Tm Irish Directory," said BROWN. "Can Ireland 
1 produce such a thing ? Surely, to keep up national 
character, it ought to be full of blunders ? " " Yes, to be 
accurate, it ought," ssid JOSES. 



A NEW RHYME TO AH OLD LINE. 

" WHO shall decide when doctors disagree ? " 
Ptmch, who decides that neither shall have fee. 



LEGAL SWEATERS. 

To find low charges in the law is so uncommon an occurrence that 
"when found" we really think we ought to "make a note" of them. 
The note we make, however, is not one of admiration : and if it par- 
take rather of the nature of a query, it is because we hold the matter 
to be questionable, although about its evil tendency we have Yery little 
doubt. 

A custom has obtained of late among law stationers and printers of 
sending circulars to the profession by whom they are employed, stating 
at what prices work will be received by them and punctually executed. 
The custom has obtained doubtless with the object of obtaining cus- 
tom, and every stationer pretends to cut out his compeers in the celerity 
and care with which the work he gets is done, and in the exceeding 
cheapness of his charges for ft. Now, competition is a benefit, econo- 
mists agree; but when carried to extremes there is far more harm 
than good in it. The sweating system, as pursued by advertising 
tailors, produces many far from satisfactory results: and the same 
system, transplanted from the shopboard to the desk, can hardly be 
inseparable from the like effects. When we read of MESSRS. GRIND- 
EMDOWN charging only eighteenpence for every score of folios they 
copy of a brief, and making " attested copies " for only twopence a 
score more, the usual charges being two shillings for the one, and for 
the other half a crown, we cannot help considering what manner of 
clerk it is that MESSRS. GRINDEMDOWN employs, and what resemblance 
he must, bear to the starving needle-drivers whom the sweating tailors 
gradually wear out. But MESSRS. GRINDEMDOWN, we find from the 
Circular before us (aud, nomine mutato, we doubt not there are many 
GRINDEMDOWHS iii town) offer still more tempting terms to lawyers 
who huve work to give, and who wish to get their writing done as 
cheaply as they can, although they may not charge their clients one 
halfpenny less dearly for it. For engrossing deeds and wills and other 
instruments on paper, MESSRS. GRINDEIIDOWN will charge but two 
shillings for every twenty folios entrusted to them, three and four- 
pence being the ordinary price ; moreover in this case, and iu the 
others we have cited, MESSRS. GRIND KMDOWN inform us that they 
make no charge for paper, of which they kindly make a present to 
the person who employs them, however unprofessional it may be so 
to do. 

Add to this that MESSRS. GKINDEIIDOWN guarantee attendance 
gratis at the stamp olfice, and therefore like some envelope makers, 
make no charge for stamping; that for the money they disburse 
there they allow you a mouth's credit, except for stamps of large 
amount ; and that as a climax to their wondrous generosity, on all 
their charges aforesaid, low as you may think them, they offer you a 
discount of Cent, for cash within one month ! add all 

these advantages to those already mentioned, and what lawyer in hia 



senses would hesitate to give his work to MESSRS. GRINDEMDOWX, 
whose unexampled liberality it charms us to disclose ? 

But stop a bit. Before you try to unveil them from pur alias and 
hand them in your briefs, consider for a moment the question we have 
put, and think what manner of man it is that MESSRS. GRINDBKDOWN 
employ, to do the cheap and n-not nice work of which they are in 
quest. Out of the prices they have named their profit* hare to come, 
and how much of the residue is left for the machines can you think 
they look like men ? who drive the weary nen for them ? Even 'in an 
arm-chair, and by the side of a good fire, it is not pleasant, we know, 
to have to write much this cold weather ; but how much do you think 
the slaves of MESSRS. GRIXDBHDOWN, the law-sweaters, most write, in 
order to earn enough to keep themselves from starving ? 



A BIT OF WEST-INDIA PICKLE. 

TRINIDAD is a very meritorious island, and _its productions, such as 
sugar, ladies, cocoa, and other delicacies, are in deserved repute. But 
Mr. Punch is sorry to see by the last mail, that however refined may be 
the saccharine products of Trinidad, its language is by no means of the 
same graceful character. The last message from the island appeared 
in Saturday's Times, and ran thus : 

" The ATTORN EY-QMCRAL'S bill for consolidating our m<,i ordinance! wa> reed a 
first time." 

" Our rum ordinances " is not a phrase by which a journalist should 
indicate the laws of his island, however much he may deprecate the 
edicts in question. " Our singular legislation," or " our incongruous 
statutes," or " our eccentric decrees " would have been worthier of a 
delicate writer. We are very happy to admit the word Rum from 
Trinidad as a Noun, aud also to admit into our cellar as much of the 
celebrated article itself as we can ; but we decline 19 admit Rum as au 
Adjective, and West Indian friends at a distance will please accept all 
these notifications. 

TJn (Euf is as Good as a Feast. 

WHY should a classical scholar never attempt to count eggs more 
than one at a time ''. 

Because he would be sure to count them ova and ova. (Attributed 
to BURNAL OSBORNE, Utte qf Dootr and tkt Admiralty.) 



A SCOTCHMAN'S* TRIUMPH. 

WHEN are the shares of a company like the EMPEROR 07 CHINA'S 
Summer Palace near Pekiu -When they are a'looted. 
SIR ARCHIBALD ALI.WX. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



THE NEW LADY GODIVA. 




[JANUARY 26, 18&1. 



FOREIGN TRAPS FOR ENGLISH FLATS. 



FOOLS and fiats read the newspapers as well as other people, 
often such advertisements as this : 



Else we should not see so 



Large FORTUNE may be realised for ONE POUND only. For particulars apply to 
MR. , Banker, of Frankfort-on-tlie-Maine, or letters addressed to him, Loudou. 



[A 

Now, every one except the fools and flats aforesaid knows well enough what sort of 
trap this lure is meant to bait. But because only the fools and flats are likely to be caught 
by it, we do not think we ought to tolerate its presence in our press. Lotteries are for- 
bidden by the English law, and the law, to be consistent, should put a stop to the announce- 
ment of them. Until this be done, however, we hold the editors of newspapers responsible 
for all the gambling that ensues, in consequence of the advertisements to fools which they 
admit. We have as a rule, we own, small sympathy with our flats; but we must say that 

' we hate to see them duped by foreign knaves, and losing their good English money in bad 
continental company. It is in the penny newspapers that the traps are mostly set ; and as 

', perhaps with the proprietors of the penny press the a/yumenlum ad poclcetvm is the most 
powerful to use, we would hint that every sovereign which in quest of a "large fortune" 
linds its way to Frankfort might have bought two hundred and forty copies of the newspaper 
in which the bait that lured it thither was imprudently displayed. If therefore editors have 
any wish to swell their circulation they will not cede insertion to the snares of foreign 
" bankers," in whose "promises to pay" no Englishman should trust. 



A CHANCE FOR A NEW GODIVA. 

WHO has not read the idyll sweet 

Of our own ALFRED TENNYSON, 
How fair GODIVA, ages since, 

Earned Coventry's best benison : 
When to repeal stern GODWIN'S tax 

Imposed upon the borough, 
Unclothed, save with her chastity, 

She rode the city thorough ? 

The Poet tells us how the cry 

Of starving babes and mothers 
Struck deep in that sweet lady's heart. 

Wherein all men were brothers. 
How the grim Earl, among his dogs, 

Received her soft petition, 
And little deemed GODIVA'S ruth 

Would brook his hard condition. 

Who calls not up, the while he reads, 

That picture, bright and tender 
Those rippled ringlets to the knee 

Showered in their golden splendour 
The naked loveliness that steals 

From pillar unto pillar 
The silence of those empty streets 

That her steed's tread makes stiller ? 

Again the plaint of hungry babe, 

The wail of desp'rate mother, 
The awful cry of agony 

Not e'en strong men can smother, 
More loudly sound in Coventry 

Than in that olden day, 
When grim EAKL GODWIN laid the tax 

His good dame took away ! 

A grimmer Lord than GODWIN lays 

His hard hand on the town . 
A heavier weight than GODWIN'S tax, 

Presses the people down. 
Gaunt Hunger lords it o'er the place 

With Plague, his henchman true ; 
The looms are still shut up the mill 

There is no work to do ! 

Oh, where is the GODIVA now 

This grim Lord to assuage ? 
Needs not that she ride naked 

As in the ruder age. 
Needs not with rippled ringlets' veil, 

Her snowy limbs she hide ; 
With ribbons decked from head to heel, 

Behoves her but to ride. 

So saying to our English dames 

" Go all and do like me, 
To set the idle loom to work, 

The silent shuttle free. 
E'en as of old GODIVA rode, 

Clad in her golden hair, 
Hide, English ladies, gaily decked 

In ribbons' rainbow-wear. 

"And as GODIVA'S name throughout 

Our England is renowned, 
So shall your names with blessing 

In Coventry be crowned. 
Naked she went, and not ashamed, 

For ruth her heart did move ; 
So in your ribbons men shall read 

Not vanity, but love." 



Something Picked up at a Publisher's 
Sale Dinner. 

First Bookseller. Do you know that young 
GRUB STREET, who lias tried his hand at every- 
thing, and imitated everybody in turns, has 
changed his hand- writing ? He now writes 
backwards. 

Second Bookseller. Ah ! I suppose he's trying 
to write like CRALBE ? 



Primed by \Villiam Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullen EMns, of No. 19, Queen'* Road West, Regent's Park, both in the Parish of St Pancras, in the County of Middlesex 
primers, at their Orflce la Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Wliiieiriarj, in the City of London, ana 1'ubliihcd by lueiu f*t No. 8i, Fleet Street, ia the Pariih of St. Bride, in the City of London. 



, January "0, 



FEBRUARY 2, 1861.J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



43 



THE CLEEICAL MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT. 

O Shave or not to Shave ? 
t!m'. is the question 
which is just now agita- 
ting the Parsonic world. 
Whether 'tis better in 
the throat to suffer the 
stings and torments of an 
inflamed swallow, or to 
take armour 'gainst 
host of troubles, and by 
not shaving end them P 

Certainly, at first 
thought, one hardly 
seems to fancy a Parson 
in moustaches, and would 
almost AS soon look to 
see a Quaker in them. 
Yet, after all, we cannot 
see why the former should 
not wear them, at least 
provided always that 
they suit his style of face. 
We associate moustaches 
with military men; but 
then do not Clergymen 
belong to the Church 
Militant ? All we fear 
is, if the movement be 
generally followed, that pet Parsons, if they join in it, will give 
themselves more (li)airs than they do at present, and we think there 
are enough apparent as it is. 




OUR EOVING COEEESPONDENT. 

" MY DEAR POUCH, 

" THE severity of the late weather, which had nearly frozen up 
my energies as well as the contents of my inkstand, is past, and I take 
advantage of the thaw, when one's ideas seem to flow more easily, to 
drop you a few lines, which I will preface with a hope that you have 
enjoyed your Christmas. 

" for my part I always await that festive season with feelings of 
pleasure not altogether unalloyed. I am not thinking now of those 
provoking results of simple addition with which my bootmaker and tailor 
make a point of favouring me. I am not alluding to the playful eccen- 
tricities of my nephew TOM (set. 74) in whose company I was condemned 
to dine on the 25th of last month, who, in the exuberance of boyish 
spirits, is wont to treat my hair as a practicable bell-pull, and acting on 
this ingenious hypothesis proceeds to unbutton my waistcoat by way 
of a street-door. I forgive the 'Waits,' although they played ' Ok, 
Willie, we have missed you' under my bed-room window to snch an 
awful extent during the Christmas week that I was half inclined to 
wish that that erratic gentleman had deferred his return until the 
morning. But apart from these private and individual grievances, I 
have another in common with most brothers and he-cousins, viz., the 
duty of escorting some of my female relatives on their shopping excur- 
sions. They belong, Sir, to what I call the dorematic, or present-giving 
-never forget birth-days, wedding-days, red-letter days, or any 
other occasion for indulging in their harmless propensity. Thus it 
conies to pass that I have, at this moment, eleven pairs of Berlin wool 
slippers which I could have 'made up' at anytime (as I am assured 
by A respectable bootmaker in Oxford Street) for about five guineas 
seven smoking caps innocent of the noxious weed, and lying wrapped 
in silver paper in my bureau. Thirteen knives and pencil-cases at an 
average value of 3*. 9rf. each. Eight porte-monnaies apparently con- 
structed for the deposit of fourpenny bits. Two potichomanie jars, 
decorated with an elaborate pattern, the simplest element of which is 
the alternate representation of a blue rose and a mandarin in convul- 
sions, an embroidered waistcoat (in which I would as soon appear as in 
a philibeg) and twenty-three tea-kettle holders lined with {moire 
antique, white satin, and other appropriate material. 

" All this, however, by the way, the main drift and object of this 
letter being to call your attention to the disagreeables which invariably 
attend that pursuit known in the domestic world as shopping.' And 
observe in the first place that I exclude from my remarks at the outset 
all those supereminently swell establishments whose heredit.arylprestige 
places them beyond the necessity of practising the great Touting Art. 
If for instance 1 employ 1 1 EKR Vox STULIZMEISTER or MR. BUCKS to 
adorn my person at the rate of two guineas per limb, I am quite sure 
that it will be done in the best possible manner with the least possible 
trouble to myself. Then again PIVERGANT'S gloves at four and nine- 
pence per pair are first-rate of their kind, and the young lady who 

VOL. XL. 



disposes of them receives my cash with dignified composure, and allows 
me to leave her odoriferous counter unmolested. But suppose with 
my moderate income of say fc ** per annum I am unable to deal with 
those eminent firms : suppose I am selecting a pair of gloves at a shop 
in one of our great thoroughfares, why am I to be told if they (the 
gloves) are too small, that they will stretch ; if they are too large that 
they will collapse with the 'eat of the 'and, or some such nonsense; 
why if I prefer drab am I to be informed that 'green is mostly worn 
now, Sir ; ' or if I ask for green that ' nothing is so genteel as drab ; ' 
why if I complain that the kid is of indifferent quality, does MH. 
OMIRKEK, from behind the counter, say. 'Sir?' in a deferentially ini. 
pudent manner, and pretend that he did not hear me P Why when I 
do repeat the observation does he meet it with the remark, that it is 
very extraordinary, but that it is the first complaint he has ever heard of 
them, and that so far from their being dear at three-and-aix, that they 
ought to be four shillings a pair : ought to be indeed, then why aren't 
they, I should like to know ! Finally, why when he has wrapt up my 
gloves, doeon't he give them to me at once, instead of putting them 
aside, and saying, ' What will be the next article P ' in a tone which 
seems to imply, that if I don't lay out a pound or two my custom is not 
worth having ! 1 reply, ' not liing else, thank you,' as politely as I can, 
and he immediately inquires again, 'Anything in shirts, collars, 
pocket- andkerchiefs, braces,' draw ?" (in short, etcetera). When 1 
shake my head he lifts down a great wooden tray, and taking up an 
elaborate sort of running noose composed of silk and flannel informs 
me that it is 'termed' the Californian cravat, and that he (SMIBKEK) 
considers it a very gentlemanly thing in ties. I sternly ask him for 
change, when slroutmg out ' Cash ! ' (which he pronounces Kesh) he 
bangs my sovereign down on the counter, partly I suppose to see if it 
is a good one, and partly to impress me with an idea that he is a 
thoroughly business-like man, who gets through his work before you 
can say Jack Robinson. In this last respect, however, his extraor- 
dinary energy defeats itself, for the money drops on the floor, and he 
loses ten minutes in looking for it. \Vhile KESU. who is a bilious 

Inn1-i. Ki*l,, L__ !_ _ ._. J ! I__A II 'II 




better let him put me up the Californian cravat, but as I don't concur 
in that opinion, I am allowed to depart in a great rage, while SMIKKER 
keeps his temper admirably, and bows me out. 




inquisition respecting the rest of my wardrobe. Good Heavens, can't 
a man ask for what he wants ! If I were to go over to my baker's, and 
invest in an Abernethy biscuit, do you suppose MRS. BAKER would say 
' Want anything in rusks, hot rolls, muffins, tops and bottoms f ' or, 
'This is a sweet thing in tea-cakes, Sir! Better let me put you up 
that quartern loaf. This is what we term the Bohemian bun, &c.' Of 
course not, and why should touting be tolerated in one ease more than 
another. And if MESSRS. SHIRKER AND FLAK keep a shop, why the 
deuce can't they call it a shop instead of a mart or an emporium ! Am I 
to be dazzled by these high-sounding titles or their gaudy shop front P 
Do they think to impose upon me with their gilded cornices P Do they 
suppose I cannot see through their plate glass. Oh, MDLLES. LUCY, 
LAURA, LOUISA, BEATRICE, BESSIE, and BLANCHE, who read these 
words in these truly 'hard times,' have a care how jou 'shop' and 
beware of wondrous bargains. Every good bonnet, muff, or shawl that 
you buy is worth its fair price, neither more nor less, and if you find 
MESSRS. SHIRKER AND FLAM underselling their neighbours, depend on it 
something is wrong somewhere, either the goods are inferior or some 
poor needlewoman is underpaid. Don't believe in ' Bankrupt Sales ' and 
Tremendous Sacrifices.' When you see 'Must be Sold this day,' 
remember that the words may apply to you more than to what you see 
ticketed. As for the sacrifice, you yourself may be the innocent lamb 
ready for immolation. Sacrifice, indeed! if MR. SHIRKER were really 
making a sacrifice, do you suppose he would go to the expense of red 
and yellow printed posters to tell you so P My dear girls, bargains are 
bosh, and ' Alarming sacrifices ' a delusion and a snare. If you want 
good things, go to a good shop, and pay a fair price for it. 

" Such, my dear Punch, is my advice to the opposite or crinolined 
sex who may be just now making their numerous New Tear's pur- 
chases. As for myself, I am not likely to make any, but if MIMM, 
SHIRKER AND FLAM should ask me ' What will be the next article P ' I 
shall refer them to your number for this week. In which, 1 also wish 
you the compliments of the season, and remain, 

" Yours faithfully, 

"JACK BASIL." 



Revival of the Order of Flagellants. 

THE Yankees say, " the Britishers whip the rest of the world, and 
we whip the Britishers." Now they seem to " calkilate they 're gwinc 
to whip theirselves." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FBBBUABT a. 1861. 




PABTT WITH THE SKATES (who knows he has paid the right fare to a penny). " Why, who, 
do you make out your fare is, tiien ? " 

CABBY. " What do 1 make out my fare is 1 Well, 1 shouldn't a' volunteered the olscrwatio 
without you'd a arst me, hut if yon want to know my opinion, 1 should say he was a mea 
'Umbug there/" 



EDWIN JAMES'S CLERK. 

MB. JAMES said that LORD JOHN RUSSELL'S Koform 
ill had cost 5000. He had got a clerk who could draw 
bettor in Twenty Minutes." Report oj Speech at Mary- 
bone. 

O ENGLAND dear, when peril's near 

Thy Constitution's sacred ark, 
There 's one who knows her course to steer, 

And that is EDWIN JAMES'S Clerk. 

In other days what EDWIN says 
Is scarcely worth so much remark, 

But now we '11 raise the song of praise 
To JAMES, and eke to JAMES'S Clerk. 

O Little JOHN, come, down upon 
Thy little knees, and RUSSELL, Lark ! 

A better Bill than thine, LORD JOHN, 
Shall come from EDWIN JAMES'S Clerk. 

Ho ! beat the drums, the patriot comes 
Like JOSEPH HUME or JOAN OF ARC, 

To save JOHN BULL no end of sums 
Of tin, does EDWIN JAMES'S Clerk. 

Ho ! raise the song'and ask how long, 
Enshrined in Temple Chambers dark, 

Has lurked the sage so wise and strong, 
Disguised as EDWIN JAMES'S Clerk ? 

Why did he shirk so long his work 
(Or as our Scottish friends say, wark,) 

Nor shone our CHATHAM, PITT, or BUKKE, 
But stuck as EDWIN JAMES'S Clerk ? 

Whence came the buck, from Rum, or Muok, 
From Guernsey, Alderney, or Sark, 

Or what proud island else has luck 
To claim great EDWIN JAMES'S Clerk ? 

And can he write what 's fair to sight, 

Or can he only make his mark, 
And what 's the height, and appetite, 

Of ME, EDWIN JAMES'S Clerk ? 

And does he keep good hours for sleep, 
And rise at morning with the lark ? 

Oh ! could we but obtain a peep 
At MR. EDWIN JAMES'S Clerk. 

Let's know the way he likes to stray, 
The Regent's or Saint James's Park, 

We thirst to learn the smallest trait - 
In MR. EDWIN JAMES'S Clerk. 

Hath he for pegs two handsome legs, 

Or was one bit off by a shark ? 
We will, as sure as eggs is eggs, 

Know more of EDWIN JAMES'S Clerk. 

Say, if for pets, small dogs he gets, 
Or cats, because they never bark ? 

Let's have some information, let 's, 
Concerning EDWIN JAMES'S Clerk. 

One question more, and then give o'er, 
Ere wonder sends us staring stark : 

What must the mighty Being be, 
Who 's Master to that Awful Clerk ? 



GENTLEMEN WHO HAVE AN INTEREST IN KEEPING THEIIl HEADS COOL. 

THE gentlemen who have the enlrie of the Stock Exchange have at last got permission 
from the Gresham Committee to have a glass covering erected over the inner court. This 
precaution exactly confirms the opinion we have always entertained of Stock-brokers : viz , 
that with all their habits of speculation, they have always sufficient sense to provide against 
a rainy day. In this instance, their object covertly is to shelter themselves against too 
sudden a fall. Some of the ducks are so lame, apparently, that they are actually afraid of 
the water ! Besides, the rain might tell tales ; it might unfortunately, by falling on a pair of 
very hardened shoulders, let drop the secret as to who was solvent, and who was not. For 
ourselves, we never knew till now that a City man was so easily melted. However, considering 
the handsome way in which these speculative gentlemen recently subscribed towards the 
poor, we should be the last to begrudge them a coverfeg over their heads in their old age. 
Stock-jobbers and brokers, "you may take your cucumber-frame, only frame your transactions 
accordingly ; for mind, if you go in for a fall, it may inadvertently lead to a rise. You must 
all and each of you keep as cool as a cucumber. 



Chaos. 

A WOMAN putting your room to rights just 
after you have been arranging everything to 
your satisfaction, and elaborately assorting your 
papers with such methodical care that you could 
put your linger upon each separate one in the 
dark that is what I call Chaos ! Men are not 
more awkward in handling women's babies than 
women are in fingering men's papers. The mis- 
chief, and damage, and endless annoyance of 
spirit, and thorough disturbance of temper for 
the rest of the day, that are engendered by the 
latter practice, surpasses all belief.^ Con- 
firmed Old Bachelor. 



FEBRUARY 2, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




EFFECTS OF THE THAW-" POOR FEOZE OUT ICEMEN." 

Chorus, " We've got no Work to do-oo-oooo I " 



MIRACULOUS HAIR-CUTTING. 

TIIK heard movement is making some progress in the Church, but 
we doubt whether the hirsute cultivation of our clergymen is attended 
with such ease and certainty of growth as appears to be attained in the 
Church of the Carmine, whereof we have these details from a Naples 
correspondent of the Morning Post . 

' This morning I have witnessed a very singular religious ceremony. I J* 
(truck by the passing along the street of a huge old rumbling gilt coach, resomblii 
that which Louis THE TIIIHTKKNTII had made for himself. On inquiry I learned 
that it was for conveying the Oonfalonicre of Naples, with his secretaries, his sub- 
stitutes, his councillors, in f:ict.his whole official train, to the Church of the Carmine, 
there to assist at the solemn rite of cutting the hair of a celebrated crucifix in that 
temple I trust your readers will not mile with incredulity at the mention of this 
fact, which recurs annually on the 26th of December in tho church aforesaid. The 
clmrch contains a large crucifix, with the head inclined over the right shoulder, 
and the face almost covered by clustering locks of hair. The friars of the church 
and the superstitious people affirm that this hair grows every year, woe to the 
man who in the neighbourhood of the Carmine should venture to eipreM toe 
slightest doubt respecting the annual growth of this miraculous scratch-wig. He 
would be torn limb from limb by the fanatical and Infuriated mob. The officers of 
the municipality give their public sanction to this mummery by repairing in all 
state to the church, attending during the proceedings, and attaching their signatures 
to the minutes of the rite thus annually performed on the 20th of December. At 
the moment when tho hair is cut by one of the frUrs a signal is given outside the 
church, and thousands upon thousands of crackers proclaim by their explosion thta 
miracle and triumph of the faith." 

Such a " cracker " as the story of hair annually sprouting from a figure 
on a crucifix is fitly published by the firing of a lot of children's crackers, 
whose every bang proclaims the childish nature of the bounce. How 
the great Gonfaloniere contrives to keep his countenance, when he 
lends it to so barefaced and impudent a trick, is more than, with our 
present means of knowledge, we can guess. .He must really be pos- 
sessed of no common self-command to prevent himself from laughing 
at the miserable imposture ; and were it not that he is backed up by 
his secretaries and councillors, we question very much if he could go 
through with the business. Although by a strong effort he might 
perhaps suppress all facial signs of his hilarity, we think that lie musl 
shake so with internal cachinnation that he must find it vastly difiicull 
to put his signature, as stated, to the minutes of the rite ; and if m 



these same minutes he be required to make a note as to the number of 
the moments which it took to cut the hair, we fear the humour of the 
oke would completely get the better of him, and the explosion of the 
Backers would be drowned in the explosion of his laughter at the 
Tick* 

But may we not suggest that while the priesthood are about it, they 
might turn their so-called "miracle " to a more practical account, and 
reap a still more bounteous harvest from their crop? Why should 
they not stick a barber's pole outside the church, and publicly an- 
nounce that the hair cut from their crucifix was grown entirely throi 
the means of some miraculous manure, for which they were possessed 
of the original recipe ? An advertisement like this would be cerlain 
to attract, for the promise of a head of hair to persons who are bald u 
a capillary attraction that few men could resist. We will wager were 
a priest or two to walk about in front of the Church of the Carmine, 
with placards stating that the hair-oil which yearly worked the miracle 
might be had within, a considerable revenue would be added to tdei 
coffers. When trade grew dull a picture might be added to the 
posters, representing the crucifix before the hair was cnt from it, 
exhibiting of course a most prolific crop, which, a scroll might sUte 
beneath it, was of only one year's growth. 

" DO YOU WANT LUXURIANT LOVE-LOCKS P IF SO, TRY OUR SAITB 

HAIR-OIL," might be a taking head-line in the Naples newspapers ; 
and the well-known brace of figures might be borrowed from c 
prints, and parodied to puff the produce of the priests : the one pici 
portraying a man with a bald liead and a very rueful countenance, 
and the other representing him with a most splendid crop of hair, at 
holding up to notice a small bottle in his hand, while from, his mouth 
the motto issued "Ha ! ha ! Qrovtn i a twelvemonth ! . 



Worse and Worse! 

WHAT'S the difference between a Man with a sore throat 'and a 

Manilla cheroot ? Why, the one is a Man ill, and the other s a Man iller. 

[Don't frown, reader, please. The cold weather hat realiyfrotfn up our 

How of wit, and this it the </ symptom of lit having begu* I" 1 *. 



46 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 2, 1861. 




WANTED A SPONSOB. 

Lord P. " WHAT AGAIN, MRS. RUSSELL? REALLY " 



WE DON'T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT. 

IT seems that the housekeepers at several of the Govern- 
ment offices have the privilege of selling beer to the clerks ; 
and it is also said (for it does not come within our know- 
ledge either to endorse or repudiate the scandal), that the 
clerks are not above availing themselves of the said pri- 
vilege rather frequently during the course of the day. A 
disappointed old gentleman, who has been in the habit for 
the last six months of waiting on business at most of 
the Government offices, and by this time is rather tired 
of his fruitless occupation, says that this habit of periodical 
drinking may account for the conduct of most of the young 
clerks being so extremely overleering. It only proves 
what savage things the absence of a little common civility 
and attention will sometimes expose gentlemen of educa- 
tion to be accused of, on the part 9f those whose vindic- 
tiveness is all the more deeply embittered by their igno- 
rance, though we must say, that an ignorant person is 
somewhat apt to be a little vindictive after he has been 
kept waiting uselessly for half an hour. However, gentle- 
men clerks of the Government offices, we ask you whether 
this charge, which seems to take its bitterness from the 
beer that is said to be dispensed, be true or not ? Not 
true, of course ! We fully expected as much from gentle- 
men of your recognised abilities and notoriously high 
standing ; and, to exonerate ourselves from any participa- 
tion in the above wicked scandal can only say that we 
shall be most happy to give up the name and address of 
the elderly gentleman who has furnished us with the above 
information to any one, who, from the altitude of a Govern- 
ment stool, applies for the same. 



One of the Service. 

WHO says that our Officers are not scholars P A real 
Swell, the other day. actually quoted the words Sura ilia 
messorum, and actually translated them, too, "1 always 
have indigestion after dining at mess ! " 



THE FIRST RULE ON RECORD. The Rule that Nep- 
tune (then sitting in Banco) gave to Britannia to rule the 
waves. The Rule has been made absolute ever since. 



THE EEALITY OF CLOUD-LAND. 

" DEAR MR. PUNCH, 

"SOME time ago you made some observations on' the deformed 
skulls lately found at Wroxeter, representing them as probably being 
the skulls of ogres, like CORMORAN, and BLUNDBRBORE, and the other 
monsters exterminated by JACK THE GIANT KILLER. 

" Yon will be grieved to hear that those remarks of yours' have 
incurred the severe condemnation of a local genius, a MR. PEACOCK, who 
on account of them, has denounced you in a Guide Book to 'The Won- 
derful City of TJriconium/ as a 'flippant and ignorant writer,' who 
has made ' a gratuitous attack upon what is serious and scientific,' and 
that in language equally absurd and indelicate.' You may be alive 
after all Ins invective ; but, if you read it, you will.be very ill for some 
time. The effect, Mr. Punch, of the squall of PEACOCK will be a 
squeak for yon. 

"Never mind. You have a mind which is conscions'of being always 
in the right. Allow me to call your attention to a fact which strongly 
corroborates the view propounded by you that nursery romance., so 
called, is real history. I allude to the coloured rain which fell at 
bienna, on the 28th of December last, and whereon M GIOVANNI 
CAMPANI has just published a letter, addressed to the celebrated PRO- 
FESSOR MATTEUCCI. An account of the phenomenon is given in the 
limes. On the day and at the place above-named, three distinct 
showers of red ram fell ; the first of them lasting two hours Again 
on the 31st of December, and once more on the 1st of January it 
rained a species of red ink. You are, no doubt, aware that the same 
thing has often occurred before. The nature of the red stuff in the 
rain varies. At Blankenburg, in 1S19, it is stated to have been chloride 
ol cobalt. In this instance the water has been ascertained by PRO- 
FESSORS GABRIELLI and CAMPANI to contain no cobalt at all It must 
however, be a chemical solution of something, for it deposits no 
sediment, which it would do if the redness consisted of animalcules 
or fungi. 

" Now, Sir, you know likewise that there are such things as meteoric 
nones, and also that frogs and fish are credibly related to have fallen 
if the air. Whirlwinds and waterspouts have been supposed to 



explain the showers of fish and frogs ; but whirlwinds will not explain 
the fall of stones and red rain, any more than they would explain a rain 
of cats and dogs, which we believe to be possible do we not ? 

" I need not point out to you though I may to my readers the 
strong corroboration that the descent of so many different things from 
the sky affords to the popular legend of Jack and tlie Bean-Stalk, I 
dare say it will turn out that the red matter in the rain which fell at 
Sienna is, I was going to say, the blood of a giant shed by some modern 
climber of an aerial bean-stalk which may still be growing in so DC 
part of the world. But no. The red particles of the giant's blood 
would have subsided. Allow me to advise CAMTANI and GABRIELLI to 
test the doubtful fluid for alcohol. It is, perhaps, some of the giant's 
genuine claret, which he may have spilt himself, or which has escaped 
from his bottle, the champion perhaps having knocked it over. 

" This is a suggestion calculated to make a PEACOCK flutter, and 
ferociously cock up the plumes of his fantail. Let your friend PEACOCK 
rather put it in his pipe and smoke it. 

" I am, dear Punch, a whole hog Spiritualist, and your constant 
reader, 



" P.S. Talk of Table Rapping ! I believe we shall have tables and 
chairs, ay, and coalscuttles, and fire-irons, and all manner of domestic 
furniture, utensils, goods, and chattels, tumbling down upon us one of 
these days. I fully expect that there will ere long occur a rain of 
unknown coin, which must convince the most sceptical. When we do 
have a golden shower, I only hope it will fall in my way." 



The Chinese Campaigner. 

' (To his Ladye Love.) 

I GIVE thee all, I can no more, 
Though poor the ofl'ering be ; 

My heart and loot is all the store 
That I can give to thee. 



TEETOTAL CHEMISTRY. Great absorbents are small reflectors. 



FEBBUAUY 2, 1861.] 



(IT, OR THE LONDON CIIAKIVAKI. 



47 








THE ASS AND HIS RIDER. 

ASTEii a considerable 
number of spirited and 
wealthy young gentle- 
men as Corn 
serve in HER MAJES- 
TY'S Cavalry Regi- 
ments. 1/icli joun;; 
gentlenian'muat 
be entitled to immense 
wealth, or else be the 
son of a father who 
will draw a cheque for 
any amount to pay for 
his outfit, find him in 
chargers at from 100 
each, and defray his 
mess-bills and all the 
other expenses which 
the usages of his regi- 
ment may require him 
to contract. 

Such is the form of 
handbill which, duly 
framed and gla/.ed, it 
will soon become ne- 
cessary to suspend in 
the loobies and boxes 
of the operas and thea- 
tres, in; the principal 
club-rooms, and all 
other fashionable 
places; and also about 
the City and in the 
Slock Exchange. 

The fact is, that to 
enter a Cavalry Regi- 
ment a youth must be 
either actually or pro- 

speotiyely and potentially a millionnaire ; that is, if he means to be comfortable in his corps. 
Notwithstanding the sumptuary memorandum which the DOKB pi CAMBRIDGE has addressed 
to Colonels of Cavalry Regiments, expense and extravagance in those corps continue to be 
the order of the day. Young officers unable to keep pace in prodigality with their com- 
rades are considered mean ; and the regiment soon becomes, not indeed too hot, but too cold, 
which is just as bad, and, at any rate, too unpleasant to hold them. 

Wanted, therefore, sons of opulent usurers and other wealthy City men to accept Cqrnetcies 
in crack Cavalry Regiments. Wanted also Cavalry Regiments, which young men will enter 
principally with the view of serving their country, and not that of faring sumptuously, and 
dressing magnificently, and indulging in wasteful debauchery to its honour and glory. 

It is a wonder how there can be any light dragoons ; for a horse worth 150 odd must 
carry a load of wealth on his back. His rider should be a heavy pecuniary swell. Intrin 
sically he may be worth less than his horse. If his purse pride and expensive vanity are 
injuring the Army in one 9f its chief branches, he is worth less than nothing to anybody but 
himself. His proper position would be that of officer in a regiment of neither cavalry nor 
infantry not of foot, but a modification of horse. Cavalry is named from eguus caballvs; but 
the equus asinus is the animal on which the dandy dragoon would be most suitably mounted. 
To coin a popularly intelligible word exactly corresponding to cavalry, would perhaps be 
difficult, but the troops in question, donkey-regiments, might be conveniently named the 
Mokery. Your dashing young spendthrifts would be just the right men in the right places, 
in which they would distinguish themselves, if the seat of every one of them were the haunch 
of a jackass. 

THE VARIATION HUMBUG. 

THERE is perhaps more Humbug talked, printed, and practised in reference to Music 
than to anything else in the world, except Politics. And of all the musical humbugs 
extant it occurs to Mr. Punch that the Variation Humbug is the greatest. This party has 
not even the sense to invent a tune for himself, but takes somebody else's, and starting 
therefrom, as an acrobat leaps from a spring board, jumps himself into a musical reputation 
on the strength of the other party's ideas. Mr. Punch wonders what would be thought of a 
poet who should try to make himself renown by this kind of thing taking a well-known 
poem of a predecessor's and doing Variations on it after this fashion : 

BUOGINS'S VARIATIONS ON THE BUSY BEE. 

How doth the LitUe Busy Bee 

Improve each shining hour, 
And gather honey all the day 

From every opening flower, 

From every opening flower, flower, flower, 

That sparkles in a breezy bower, 

And gives its sweetness to the shower, 

Exhaling scent of gentle power, 

That lasts on kerchief many an hour, 



And is a lady's graceful dower, 

Endeared alike to cot and tower, 
Round which the little Busy Bee 

Improves each shining hour, 

And gathers honey all the day 

every opening flower, 

From even opening I] iwcr, flower, flower, - 

From every opening flower. 

How skilfully she builds her cell, 
How neat she spreads her whacks, 

And labours hard to store it well, 
Wit.h the sweet food she makes, 
With the sweet food she makes. 
With the sweet food she makes, make- 
makes, 

When rising just as morning breaks, 
The dew-drop froni the leaf she sh 
And oft the sleeping motli she wakes. 
And diving through the flower she takes, 
The honey with her fairy rakes, 
And in her cell the same she cakes, 
Or sports across the silver lakes, 
Besides her children, for whose sakes, 

How skilfully she builds her coll, 
How neat she spreads her wax. 

And labours hard to store it well 
With the sweet food she makes. 

In works of labour or of skill, 
I would be busy too, 

For Satan finds some mischief still 
I 'or idle hands to do, 
For idle hands to do, 
For idle hands to do, do, do, 
Tilings which thereafter they will rue, 
When Justice fiercely doth pursue, 
Or conscience raises Cry and Hue, 
And evil-doers look quite blue. 
When Peelers run with loud halloo, 
And Magistrates put on the screw, 
And then the wretch exclaims, Boo-hoo, 
In works of labour or of skill 

I wish I "d busied too. 
For Satan 's found much mischief still, 
For my two hands to do. 

There ! Would a Poet get much reputation 
for these Variations, which are much better in 
their way than most of those built upon tunes. 
Would the poetical critic) come out, as the 
musical critics do, with " Upon WATTS s marble 
foundation Bu COINS has raised a sparkling ala- 
baster palace ; " or, " The old-fashioned WATTS 
has been brought into new honour by the 
<!(incellant BUGGINS;" or "We love the old 
tune, but we have room in oar hearts for the 
fairy-like fountains of bird-song which BUGGINS 
has bid start from it." Mr. Puxf/t has an idea 
that liuGGius would have no such luck ; the moral 
to be deduced from which fact is, that a Musical 
Prig is luckier than a Poetical Prig. 



Wanted, a Garibaldi for Cottonopolis. 

MANCHESTER Gaol for Debtors, is, (according 
to an elaborate and apparently trustworthy report 
which has just appeared) a worthy rival of the 
prison dens at Naples and elsewhere, recently 
thrown open. The unfortunate debtors are stated 
to be treated with a brutality especially as re- 
gards the sick which makes us quite proud of 
Manchester. The system of espionage, harsh- 
ness, insult, and tyranny, as described by the 
complainants, is truly creditable to a city that u 
always clamorous about reforms. Mr. Punch 
has no evidence on the subject but the state- 
ments in the papers, but if one quarter of what 
is there charged be true, the sooner a Manchester 
Garibaldi appears the better for the nnhappy 
debtors. ^ 

AN ODD Boor. Italy has often been com- 
pared to a Boot ; but, what is still more odd, it 
is a Boot that is not without its Gaeta. 



48 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 2, 18G1. 




THE THAW AND THE STREETS! 

TOMKINS, WHO HAS JCST PAID HIS RATE FOR PAVING, CLEANSING, &C., GOES FOE A WALK IN HIS IMMEDIATE NEIGHBOURHOOD. 

HE is, OP COURSE, MUCH GRATIFIED AT THE WAT is WHICH THE CLEANSING PART OF THE BUSINESS is MANAGED. 



THE EMPEROR ON THE ICE. (WINTER-PIECE BY JENKINS.) 



DEAR EMPEROR ! He is so good, 
So kind, go nice, so charming ! 

How can our vulgar papers talk 
Of his designs alarming ! 

Make him a bugbear, plotting plots, 
Intriguing, dodging, arming? 

The monarch of a potent realm, 
The chief of mighty armies, 

And yet so affable. his smile 
An unresisted charm is, 

Scarce less than that sweet ECGENIB'S 
Who hanging on his arm is ! 

He walks about his Capital 
Without the least pretensions, 

Like a good angel, guarded 
But by his good intentions ; 

No day but some kind deed of his 
Some loyal journal mentions. 

When ragged gamins sigh for sous, 
The EMPEROR 's near to tip them ; 

When ladies drop their mouchoirs, there 
He stands, from earth to whip them, 

And with consummate grace into 
The owner's hand to slip them ! 

And last we read how. on the ice, 
The Frost, by high jinks, feting, 

He and his great ones of the Court 
Went simply out a-skating, 

The EMPKESS and her ladies fair 
Propelled by Lords-in- Waiting. 



And I, a happy JENKINS, there 
By good hap chanced to wander, 

And saw the sight oh blessed chance, 
On such a scene to ponder ! 

The water-fowl, methought, were bless'd 
A swan at least, each gander ! 

How from rich furs and velvet hoods 
Peeped forth sweet high-born faces ! 

Each dainty nose, red-tipped with frost, 
Thereby acquired new graces : 

Those nobles and great officers 
How god-like were their paces ! 

Not EUGENIE'S sweet self more pass'd 

Her ladies, face and figure in, 
Thau did the EMPEROR exceed 

His nobles, grace and vigour in. 
Spread-eagles, eights, and N's with crowns 

Incomparably figuring ! 

Then to me, JENKINS, gazing there 

In rapt respectful silence, 
(And not to fall upon my knees, 

Doing myself a vi'lence,) 
There came some thoughts, the world ought 
not 

To let die, till a while hence. 

Melhought this ice is Europe's stage, 

Deep waters 'neath it slumber. 
Its surface stagg'rinsr potentates, 

Who cut strange figures, cumber. 
Only NAPOLEON moves at ease 

Of all the tott'ring number. 



He with devices intricate 
The watching crowd doth puzzle: 

Back, front, in, out, gyrating quick, 
Their eager ken to chuzzle. 

Till baffled curiosity 
In sulks itself must muzzle. 

Now shoves the sledge where Italy 

But half awake doth shiver ; 
Now stops it short, as if he feared 

'Twere tumbling in the river, 
And his the task from risks unseen 

That fair freight to deliver. 

Now lends a hand to prop from falls 

Unwieldy Pio Nona ; 
Now leaves that poor old gentleman 

To cry " Perduto sono!" 
While VICTOR his coat-pocket picks, 

" Italia pro liono ; " 
To BOMBALINO'S cry for help 

Now shouts " Oh, yes ! " now " Oh, no ! " 

Now takes, in seeming friendly tow, 

Austria's bull-headed Kaiser, 
(Who follows lovely Italy, 

And with hot glances eyes her), 
Now leaves him m a fix to grow, 

At cost of wetting, wiser. 

So on he drives, like VIRGIL'S bull, 

"Per Itevia, per virgulta" 
Till not a single potentate 

In all that crowned consulta 
Knows if to count him as a prop, 

Or as a catapulta. 



C/2 
O 

f 




FEBRUARY 2, 18C1.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



I thought those strong and skilful skates 

Are like a flying ferry 
O'er crack and pool, yet drags are far, 

Froze up eacli punt and wherry, 
Darksome and deep the water's sleep, 

And the ice dangerous very. 



What if this master-figurant, 
Who nothing seems to stick at, 

For whom no wheel too sudden is, 
No labyrinth too intricate, 

Broke in or slipped, where under-streams 
The ice's edge run quick at P 



What royal hands, of all around 
That he first took, then dropped them, 

Would m-euc him, that in the hole 
So oft has left or popped them ? 

1 1 ul not his skates been royal ones, 
JKN KINS had rushed and stopped them ! 




MARONITES AND MARTYRS. 

Y way of squaring ac- 
counts with the Druse 
tribes, the Maronite 
Bishops have united in de- 
manding of the Turkish 
and French forces in Syria, 
the slaughter of four thou- 
sand Druses, to balance 
the massacres which those 
other barbarians committed 
last summer on the Maro- 
nites. It appears, however, 
that the Druses slew the 
Maronites in self-defence, 
or at least under bodily 
fear, into which they had 
been thrown by a pastoral 
of the UiiiiiT REVEREND 
SKI-IIKOSIUS, Bishop of 
Tyre and Sidon, inviting 
liis flock, on a day ap- 
pointed, to rise upon the 
Druses, and, with a view 
to plundering their pro- 
perty, to slay them. Te 
enforce this exhortation, 
the. Bishop chiefly insisted on the argument, that the Druses were a 
race neither warlike nor numerous, and therefore might be robbed and 
murdered with great facility. 

SEPUROiiius, and his brothers of the Druse episcopacy, rejoice in 
communion with the Roman Sec. The Holy Father was moaning the 
other day over the woes of his Maronite children, at the same time 
much more loudly bewailing his own. Those victims seem not to have 
been quite such meek martyrs as they were painted by his Holiness. 
The massacre of the Maronites, apparently, was quite a different thing 
from the massacre of the Innocents. BISHOP KEPHRONIUS and his 
mitred colleagues at any rate evidently understand Christian forgive- 
ness to mean the return of injuries with usurious interest. If all that 
we arc told of SEFHRONIUS is true, that worthy is simply a brigand. 
What does the POPE think of such a Prelate P That he would make a 
good Premier, perhaps, if anything happened to ANTOXELLI. 

Otherwise, his Holiness might be disposed to think that SEPHBONIUS 
might do better than rule the Church of Tyre and Sidon. He might 
conceive that such an ornament of the Catholic hierarchy might be 
advantageously translated. In that case he would perhaps constitute 
SEPHRONIUS the Archbishop of Dahomey inpartibus, and his brethren 
who demand the death of four thousand Druses his suffragan bishops. 
Whenever KIN<; BADAHUNG wanted to fill a blood-pond, he would, no 
doubt, find SEPHBONIUS and his Clergy only too happy to consecrate 
the work. 



PARLIAMENTARY REHEAESAL8. 
(By our Theatrical Reporter.) 

THE Rehearsals for the approaching Parliamentary Performance are 
now regularly proceeding, and we are happy to be able to say that the 
actors are very forward in their parts, indeed almost letter-perfect. 
We have been privileged to pay visits to the stage while these 
interesting preparations were going on, but it would be manifestly 
unfair to the Theatre to forestall the interest of startling novelties 
by any premature disclosure of the character of the performances. We 
would rather excite than satisfy the curiosity of the public by men- 
tioning that MR. DIZZY has a very good part, of an entirely novel kind, 
in which he has some splendid declamation about the Church of his 
Fathers, and some fine samples of Rating for his antagonists. MR. 
RUSSELL is once more fitted with an historical character, with truly 
British appeals to Magna Charta, and other patriotic sentiments ; but 
we are almost afraid that the day for this kind of thing has gone by. 
MR. PAMMT has a part in which his genial, light-hearted style will be 
well exemplified ; and the way in which he will suddenly turn the 
tables upon an Italian adventurer, who is supposed to hold the key of 
the situation of the drama in question, will bring down, or we mistake, 
a burst of applause from all sides. MR. DERBY is, we are happy to 



CHILDREN IN CRINOLINE. 

IT is an old saying, that the child is father of the man ; and if this 
be so, we fancy it can hardly be less true that, when feminine, the child 
is mother of the woman. On this account we grieve to see the rage 
there is at present for dressing little girls in Crinoline on every state 
occasion, if indeed they are not so costumed in ordinary life. At a 
juvenile party where we lately danced attendance, we computed that 
the belle of the evening (aged four) was fully six times and a half as 
broad as she was long : and many of the other little ladies who were 
present were in their magnitude of petticoat almost equally as great. 
Now, if the love of a large flounce be implanted in a child, the chances 
are, we think, that it will grow with the child's growth, and will every 
year become increasingly developed. They who look therefore for 
Crinoline to be diminished and discarded, can scarcely see much hope 
for this in seeing children wear it. On the contrary, the chances are 
that when our little girls grow up, they will be found far more exten- 
sive in their dress than were their mothers : and if their descendants 
increase in the like fashion, there will really be no guessing how pre- 
posterous a petticoat will be displayed by our (with emphasis we may 
regard them as) great granddaughters. 



Dinner and Tea Trails. 

You never hear one woman invite another woman out to dinner, any 
more than you ever hear one man ask another to come and take tea 
with him. No ! it would seem that women's hearts melted and 
softened over the tea-cup, and that men's souls flew open to each 
other with the table-cloth. Who -is there to explain itr It takes 
several knives and forks to dig into a man's secret nature, whereas the 
simple key of the tea-caddy will unlock a woman's breast at any time. 
the Hermit of the Haymarket. 



THE NAKED TROTH. 

HE who travels through life in the hope of jumping into the 
ckaussure of another, mostly goes on a bootless errand. 

No OFTENCE TO BACON. The Last Nonm Organtm. That in 
St. Paul's. 

11 You GIVE ME QUITE A TURN," as the Thief remarked when be 
was put upon the Treadmill. 



say, quite recovered from his illness, and is rehearsing an excellent 
sarcastic and declamatory part, in which his unmatched elocution will 
be very effective. Mu (Jr. \PSTONE, so far as we could make out, <\<-~, 
not seem at ease with what he will have to do, and complains 
that there is "something wanting," and that he shall tax tin- 
endurance of the audience; but we make no doubt that when In- 
warms to his work, he will acquit himself with his accustomed 
brilliancy. MR. BKTIIM.I. has a tremendous part, perhaps pne of the 
longest that a performer ever hid to study. It is in a piece called 
The Bankrupt, or, the Augean Stable, partially rehearsed last session, 
and we are certain that this artist will build himself a permanent 
reputat ion from one Act. .M K. ARGYLL will sustain his favourite part of 
the Young Duke, and report says that he has toned down a good deal 
of its flippancy. Of the ladies' characters we must speak with more 
reticence, but we shall, we believe, be again delighted with MRS. 
ROEBUCK in the Shrew, and those excellent old women, MRS. RODEK, 
MRS. PLAIXJOUN CAMPBELL, and MRS. MONTEAGI.K, will, in the course 
of the season, sustain their respective parts of JUrt. Cantutell, Mn. 
Mumble/jumble, and Mrs. Sort. Before concluding this brief notice we 
must in all friendliness caution the management to throw more 
energy into their business. The waits between the acts are a 
great deal too long, the performances conclude at far too late 
an hour, and the refreshments are not very good and are dear. 
Public confidence is only to be got by desert. We also hope 
that steps will be taken to put an end to the scandalous practice 
of paying extra for seats in fact, bribing those who have the 
power to put people in. No respectable theatre now permits this, and 
it is contrary to the habit of the age. We also protest against the 
slovenly appearance of the Bills, some of which are full of blunders, 
and others of holes, and this really must be attended to. Subject to 
these remarks, we wish the Westminster Theatre a successful season. 



52 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 2, 1861. 




THE MODERN GOVERNESS. 

A YOUNG LADY'S IDEA OF THE USE OF CRINOLINE ! 



THE ONLY CURB. 

A STRONG-MINDED Lady says that the only possible way 
of curing gentlemen of the filthy habit of smoking is for 
the ladies to enter into a solemn compact to adopt the same 
practice themselves. The gentlemen would then see how 
disgusting as well as senseless the custom was, and, out 
of their respect to decency, if not to reason, they would 
be compelled to abandon it. The lady in question (we are 
at liberty to state that she occupies a very high rank in the 
First Belgravian Blues) authorises us to state that she 
does not mind being the first herself to set the noble 
example. She is perfectly ready and willing to immolate 
herself on the ashes of a cigar, or even a pipe, for the 
benefit of her suffering sisters. Anything to shame the 
gentlemen out of their selfishness, and to ridicule them 
into a sense of the proper respect that ought to be paid to 
the Superior Sex. Other incense than that of tobacco- 
smoke, she maintains, is Lovely Woman's due ! 



FASHION FOR THE FIREPLACE. 

WE have seen a sweet thing in muslin for morning 
dress. It is a light and beautiful fabric, admirably adapted 
for expansion on the most extensive Crinoline. But the 
pattern of it is that which is so very pretty. It is figured 
ill over with flames and little grotesque figures, constitu- 
ting, in fact, a charming imitation of the vestment in which 
the Spanish Inquisition used to adorn the victims about to 
be sacrificed at an auto da fe. Indeed, in the vocabulary 
of fashion, this elegant and ladylike garment has been 
christened the " Samarra." The idea of it has been 
suggested by the numerous cases wherein ladies have 
lately been burnt alive in consequence of their delightfully 
wide skirts catching fire. 



A New Line of Hallway Business. 

WE have it on the best authority incredible though it 
may appear that there were only five Railway Accidents 
on Thursday last, and not more than four of them were 
fatal ! 



A HOOT FROM A NEW FOREST OWL. 

" DBAB MR. PUNCH, 

" I AM a new Forest Owl ... an old bird too old to learn 
new fashions, or to take comfortably to new quarters. I was happy 
in the venerable yew, which shadowed the graves over which I, and 
my fore-owls have meditated through many a still warm midsummer 
afternoon, and many a nipping winter's brief daylight, when shallow 
mankind deemed us sleeping. They little know what thoughts occupy 
us owls, at times when, to men's eyes, we seem to be blinking and 
dozing, and waiting for the dark. HARVEY'S Meditations among the 
Tombs used to be a favourite book when I was a fledgling. I suppose 
it is gone out of fashion long ago. I had thoughts of submitting my 
Meditation* among the Tombs' to HATCH ARDS for publication, but I am 
quite out of heart about it now. I had hoped to end my days in the 
venerable family yew to close my eyes on the old grey family church 
tower. But all such hopes have been suddenly knocked on the head. 
The sad fact is that, even in this remote nook of England, we have had 
our BRYAN KINO on a small scale. A Puseyite young man, in a 
pygostole and high waistcoat, has come down upon us, with his appa- 
ratus of bran new and intensely old notions on the subject of ritual 
and architecture. He has made a clean sweep of the yew, and the 
old church, round whose foundations its roots were twisted. I 
suppose I ought to be grateful that he has left the graves. 

" it is not often that we owls wax poetical. We are not usually 
admitted to take rank among ' singing-birds.' But I hope you will 
consider that the feeling which stimulated JUVENAL, may be allowed 
to urge even au Owl into rhyme 

" Facit indignatio versum." 

"Don't be surprised at my quoting from a classical poet. We Owls 
are well-educated birds as far as the dead languages go. There are 
few of us especially of the families connected with the Church, as 
mine has beea for many generations who don't know Latin. I there- 
fore enclose you the first and last Rhymes of an Evicted Old Owl. 

" The Goths have demolished my sacred old yew, 
Have shattered the gravestone, and levelled the pew. 



But their new-fangled church stranger changes environ, ] 

For the preacher 's of wood and the pulpit 's of iron ; 

The benches and doctrines so fearfully narrow, 

That frost-bitten Christians are numbed to the marrow ; 

No token of heaven appears, but its breezes, 

And the sermon 's coughed down, or half stifled by sneezes ; 

These censures perhaps may seem nauseous and silly, but 

So are the freaks of the High Priests of Lilliput." 



CONSCIENCE-MONEY" AND ITS CONSEQUENCES. 

Or course, nobody expects that persons who send Conscience-money 
to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER are possessed of their right 
senses, and know how they ought to act : but we really think that measures 
should, if possible; be taken to prevent their using signatures which 
may mislead the public, as to who are the weak simpletons by whom 
the money has been sent. We rarely now take up the Times without 
finding in its columns some such paragraph as this, which was there 
inserted on Friday, the 25th ult. : 

"THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER acknowledges the receipt of bill-stamps 
to the amount of 4 \s. 8t/., on account of Income-Tax from F.C.B.W. ; also of the 
first half of a bank-note for 100, on account of Income- Tax, from A. S." 

" F. C. B. W." perhaps may be excused, for such a junction of 
initials can scarce be very common. But how many hundreds of 
"A. S." s there are extant here among us, it would puzzle the most 
calculating boy of us to guess. Imagination shrinks from fancying 
what numbers of innocent individuals have been tortured this last week 
through the use of these initials. 

If a person have a wish to play the fool in this way, for the credit of 
his country let him be anonymous, and not throw out any clue whereby 
he may be recognised. "A Maniac," "A Would-be Bedlamite," or 
" One who should Wear a Strait-jacket," would be signatures well 
suited to the act they would endorse. But to use merely initials 
is surely wanton cruelty, and in justice to humanity the practice must 
be stopped. 

A JUVENILE PARTY. LORD PALMERSTON. 



FKURUARY 2, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



53 




OUR GREAT-COAT COMMITTEE DIFFEE OBSTINATELY ABOUT THE BEST FORM OF THAT GARMENT, 

AND HERE'S FEBRUARY ! 



FROM OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 

" DEAR ME. PUNCH, 

" FROM the Dramatic Dan to Beersheba it is not all barren. 
Even at this present Christmas time, in spite of the terrible en- 
croachments of the Transformation Scene, and the subordination of 
pleasant writing, humorous invention, and good acting, to tinsel, 
traps, mechanism, blue-fire, and ballet-girls, there are still theatres in 
which the former elements are allowed some chance. It is not my 
purpose to say anything, just now, of the Pantomimes beyond a good 
word, en passant, "for the genuine old Pantomimic humours that have 
been brought into play in Robinson Crusoe at the Princess's, for which 
1 am truly grateful. I wish to tell you this week of the pleasure I 
have received from Endymion at the St. James's. 

" After the gratification of seeing MR. ALFRED WIGAN die of poison 
through two acts and if toxicology has any right to a place among the 
' iiue arts,' it must be when such an artist as MR. ALFRED WIGAN is 
made the subject of its operation I was naturally in the mood to 
relish an hour of graceful pleasantry, such as MR. W. BROUGH has 
provided for me in his Entlymion. Now that the Greek Heroes are 
dished up in nursery stories, Diana and her shepherd lover of Lalmos 
have no right to be indignant at being pressed into the service of 
Christmas burlesque. But apart from the question of dignity, the 
Lady of the Crescent has really no good ground of complaint when she 
is presented in the graceful figure of Miss HERBERT as the central 
personage of a group of attendant huntresses, quite worthy to play the 
part of gillies to such a mistress. 

"I do not remember, after a longish experience of Christmas classi- 
calities, from the good old days of the Olympic Revels downwards, 
to have seen a classical subject more pleasantly treated than the loves 
of Endymion and Diatia, the jealousy of Part, the distresses of Action, 
and Alpheus's pursuit of Arethusa under difficulties, [are in this little 
piece at the St. James's. But, besides the general merits of the piece 
in the way of construction, dialogue, and acting, it exhibits one par- 
ticular piece of courage which it is a special duty in your Correspondent, 
above all others, to point out. Diana has absolutely had the courage 
and good taste to abjure Crinoline! Yes; incredible as the assertion 
may appear, it is a positive fact. Everyone who wishes to renew his 



recollection of what woman is like when reduced to her natural 
dimensions, to study the movements of the human form divine instead 
of the undulations of a muslin bell, expanded over a steel cage. ought 
to make a point of seeing Diana at the St. James's. I really don't 
know where else the sight is to be enjoyed at this moment. 

" Such an apparition ought to be a death-blow to Crinoline. There 
have been few more poetical pictures exhibited on any stage than that 
in which the Goddess descends in her silver car to kiss the lips of the 
sleeping shepherd, and that which concludes the piece, with so com- 
mendable a substitution of a simple and beautiful group for those bewil- 
dering accumulations of carpentry, pyrotechnics, and corpt de ballet. 
which are generally considered the indispensable finale of this sort of 
entertainment. 

"In short, I have quite a pleasant recollection of this Enttymioii, for 
the unpretentiousness, gracefulness, and good taste which have been 
combined both in its planning and its production. And the sensation 
is so rare with me now-a-days at Christmas, that I have thought 
it worthy of this somewhat emphatic record from 

"ONE WHO PATS." 



UN EMBAMUS DE SUCCKS. 

A CERTAIN Monarch (wasn't it PVRRHUS ?) said " Another such a 
victory ; and I am a lost coon." We suppose, supposing an inquest 
had been held on his remains, the verdict would nave unanimously 
been, "DIED OF A-Taopny." (Any Subscriber objecting to this 
joke may pay threepence extra to the Publisher at 85, fleet Street.) 

THE CHARITI SCHOOL OF THE FATHERS OF THE CHURCH. 

How and where did the English monks first acquire their great 
knowledge of letters ? From Reading Abbacy (reading A. B.C.) .'.'.' 

WHAT PROJECT is THE EMPEROR REVOLVING? A pacific one. 
doubtless, or why should he be arming all his soldiers with Revolvers ? 

A GENERAL CONTRACTOR. Cold. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 2, 1861. 



THE SLANG OF THE SHOPS. 

OP a truth the English language is in a terribly sad way. What wit 
the fever for French phrases that rages with some writers, and th 
rash of Greek and Latin that keeps breaking out in others, there wi 
soon be very little of pure healthy English left : and of that little 
portion will speedily be swamped in the flood of German compound 
which is annually swelling here. Then besides this German Ocean, th 
tide of Uindostanee is rising in this country, and threatening the "we 
of English undefiled." From this source it is said that the wor 
" loot " is derived, and the cant term "that's the cheese," corrupte 
from the Hindostanee "cheez," which means the "thing." Add t 
this the coarse vulgarities that BROTHER JONATHAN has sent us, an 
the eruption of slang phrases wherewith we are infected, thank 
mainly to the efforts of the authors of burlesques, and it will surely b 
acknowledged that the tongue of MR. BULL is in a most unhealthy 
state. 

Of all the evils that affect the health of his vocabulary, perhaps non 
are more injurious than the slang terms used in trade ; for it is obviou 
that, as we are a nation of shopkeepers, words so used must soon bf 
in everybody's mouth. Whatever phrase be coined for purposes o 
trade will speedily pass current in all commercial circles ; and thougl 
it be as tasteless and uncouth as the bronze penny, few critics wil 
care to raise their voice against it. Accustomed as we are to read o 
pig-iron being "quiet," and breadstuffs being "dull," of tallow being 
"linn at rather stiffer rates," or pork "moving off slowly at previou 
quotations," we are tempted by mere habit to incorporate thesi 
phrases among our purer English terms, and to use them in a whili 
without a shudder at their viieness. Thus becomes our language mor 
and more corrupted, and the work of purging it more loathsome am 
appalling. Even Punch, the modern Hercules, might shrink from the 
endeavour to cleanse the English tongue from the fouler than Augean 
filth which has been heaped on it. 

As a sample of how slang is gradually supplanting the pure English 
of our Dictionaries, we submit to public notice a few extracts from a 
circular by a " Cove," as he would doubtless call himself, who shall be 
nameless, but who states that as a " Slap-up Tog and Out-and-Oul 
Kicksies Builder," he is "well known throughout the world by 
working-men : " 

" MB. NAMELESS nabs the chanco of putting his customers awake, that he has 
just made his escape from India, not forgetting to clap his mawleys upon some o: 
the right sort of stuff, when on his return home he was stunned to find cue of the 
top Manufacturers of Manchester had cut his lucky, and stepped off to the Swan 
Stream, leaving behind him a valuable stock of Moleskins, Cords, Velveteens, Box 
Cloths, Plushes, Doe Skins, Pilots, &a., and having some ready in his kick grabbed 
the chance stepped home with the swag and is now safely landed at his crib. He 
can turn out Toggery very slap at the following low prices for Ready Gilt Tick 
being No Go." 

What sort of " working-men" are they to whom such slang as this 
is commonly intelligible, we think that any ragged schoolboy would be 
found able to guess. Men who work with "jemmies," and such slang- 
christened implements, one might expect to talk of "mawleys," and 
'stepping homeward with the swag;" but that an English tradesman 
should apparently court custom from housebreakers and thieves by 
putting forth a circular in their peculiar phraseology, we own we 
should not have considered it in reason to suppose. 

Here, however, is another sample of shop-s-lang, which tends strongly 
to confirm the guess for whom it is intended : 

Upper Benjamins, built on a downy plan, a monarch to half-a-finnuff. Fishing 
nijf Togs, cut slap, 1 pound, 1 quarter and a peg. A Fancy Sleeve Blue 
Plush or Pilot ditto, made very saucy, a couter. Pair of Bath or Worsted Cords 
out to drop down on the trotters, a quid. Pair of out and out Cords, built very 
i bob and a kick. Pair ot stout Broad Cords, built in the Melton 
Mowl.ray style, half a sov. Pair of Moleskins, built with a double fakemeat down 
the mdoi and artful buttons at bottom, half n monarch. 
Mud pipes, knee caps, and trotter cases built very low. 

N.B. Gentlemen finding their owu Broady can be accommodated. 

The "Artful Dodger" and his pals may find this comprehensible; 
aut readers who have had a merely common education would be 
puzzled to translate it into ordinary English. Far be it from us to 
lint that Ma. NAMELESS chiefly deals with pickpockets and house- 
ireakers, and therefore suits his language to the customers he seeks 
)iit really such a thought would fairly be excusable, for on no other 
grounds can we explain the fact of his writing in Thieves' Latin while 
his business is in London, and might surely be transacted in the 
language of the land. 

"0, &c., my Uncle! " 

THE Irish have blundered to the last about Italy. They begged to 
ive LAMOKKM.RE a Sword of Honour. He writes to them, saying 



give 



. . , 

truthfully enough, that he has won no honour in Italy, and therefore 
the Sword would be a Bull. But though the weapon is not to go to 
Home, funds must be raised to pay the maker, and the Sword is very 
likely to be sent into Lombardy, which is near enough for Irish 
topography. 



THE SYMPATHETIC SLAVE-OWNERS. 
(As Sartff by the Pope in Secret Consistory.) 

VENERABLE Brothers, we should sympathise with others, 

We have fellows in misfortune o'er the broad Atlantic waves, 
Though they 're not in our communion, for the South States of the Union 

Are suffering impairment of their property in slaves, 
llighfs of Nature not a word of ! An atrocity unheard of 

Is all subjects' self-assertion against constituted powers, 
No matter what the case is, and whatever are the races, 

And whether those enslaved are the Americans' or ours. 

The offence is most prodigious, to be sure, when irreligious, 

Like the horrible rebellion which assails this Holy See, 
Adding sacrilege to treason, as is manifest to reason, 

Well aware that Lord Lieutenant of all Christendom are We. 
The detestable opinion that our temporal dominion 

Stands not on right divine, we altogether do condemn. 
It was settled on St. Peter and on Us that in his seat are, 

Which if any shall gainsay, a curse on him or her or then). 

With heresy infected are the States that hold subjected 

Four million human beings, it is lamentably true, 
But they keep them in subjection by such laudable correction, 

That we hope they may exchange their false persuasion for the true. 
Oh the salutary rigours which they practise on their niggers, 

Whom by wholesome flagellation to their work the planters drive. 
And with zealous fury storming, mobs, an act of faith performing, 

Often give their slaves a warming, roasting wicked ones alive. 

We pronounce our condemnation on the monstrous innovation 

Of wretches whose audacity to such a pitch has grown, 
That, the Rulers' right denying without fear of endless frying' 

They maintain the souls and bodies of our slaves are not our own. 
Oh, nefarious proposition ! May their doom be swift perdition ! 

May they suffer every kind of ail, calamity, and ill : 
Whilst they wait their final sentence, in default of their repentance, 

Who hold We may not wollop Our own niggers when we will ! 



BULL'S-EYE BRACELETS. 

As any novelty in finery is pretty certain to attract the eyes of the 
r air sex, who even at church can hardly keep their looks off a new 
>onnet, we take it quite for granted t hat every lady who reads this is aware 
hat a new bracelet has been lately introduced, which combines cheapness 
with elegance in a remarkable degree. It consists simply of rifle-caps, 
lischarged and then electro-gilt ; and is in reality a vastly pretty orna- 
ient, with the additional advantage of being very cheap. So being, 
t deserves to be held in high esteem, perhaps higher than its value 
may intrinsically justify. To add therefore to its worth, we would 
uggest that every cap whereof each bracelet is composed should be 
cap whereby a bullet has been fired into the bull's-eye, the value of 
ourse varying according to the ranse at which the shot has been dis- 
harged. Thus ladies might do much to assist the rifle movement, 
lore even than by giving balls and bugles to those moving in it, were 
liey to stimulate the taste for practice at the butts by requiring bull's- 
ye bracelets of their husbands or their lovers, or whomever else they 
hanced to hold in their control. Were ANGELINA to tell EDWIN that 
e must not dare to hope for the honour of her hand, until he clasped 
er arm with a bracelet made of caps whose shots had struck the bull's- 
ye, a powerful incentive would be given to his shooting, and his skill 
n marksmanship would certainly improve. The requirement might 
ary according to caprice, and a lady of unusually cruel disposition or 
7)10 was unnaturally careless about marriage, might insist upon the 
ull's-eyes being scored at no less distance than a thousand yards, or 
n even greater range might in some instances be named. Of course 
rccautions would be taken to have the caps all certified as being bull's- 
ye caps, and a stamp should be affixed by the captain of the corps, as 
warranty that there was no deception in the matter, and that EDWIN 
as as good a marksman as they showed. This indeed seems needful, 
ot merely because men have been "deceivers ever;" and, as they hold 
11 fair in love, there is no saying of what foul tricks they might possibly 
e capable ; but also because, judging from our own private experience, 
r experience as a private, there are many marksmen among our Volun- 
eers who practise with the long bow quite as often as with the rifle, 
nd are somewhat apt to go to most extraordinary lengths when 
escribing the long ranges at which they tell you they have shot. 



JOB TEA-PARTIES. 

WHICH History of England is the greatest favourite with Procras- 
nators, ladies ? LORD MACAULAY'S, because it begins " I purpose." 



FEBRUARY 9, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




A CONTENTED MIND. 

VENERABLE OLD PAUPER. " Work 'ard, and Save up your Money for a Rainy Day t 
Why, if I hadn't been a Cartful, Induslr'ous Youny Han I should a teen in Che 
Workus long before note I " 



THE AMERICAN MARKET. 

( Tht Lout Tun of Hit Atlantic TtUgrapk.) 

COWHIDES were a little heavy, but in good steady demand. 
Holders very linn. The exchange by no means 80 striking 
as it has been known to be, and receivers to a large extent 
were complaining. Backers very scarce, and extremely 
cautious. Down South, however, cowhides were falling in 
nil directions. 

HOWIE-KNIVES were not to be had for love or money. 
The last one was swopped to a Negro-merchant from 
South Carolina, for a meerschaum pipe, a corkscrew, a 
silver quid-case, half a pig, a pair of braces, an ounce of 
gold-dust, a box of paper collars, two dozen of Kjc- 
Oprners, and Gfty-two Peunsylvanian Shin-plasters. 

Ksi i KI.K-DUSTEHS remain on hand very firmly, though 
a large order for the Senate at Washington has given them 
a somewhat forward tendency that may have the favourable 
effect of making them hit the fancy of the American 
public a little more kindly than they have hitherto done. 
The Rowdies and Negro-owners seem to tight rather shy 
of these knuckle-dusters, though it was expected at first 
that they would inevitably carry everything before them. 
Their effect is undoubted, as all unbiassed persons are 
unanimous in testifying who have had an opportunity of 
feeling the weight of them. 

REVOLVERS go off very briskly. All the reports are 
loud in favour of COLT'S. Every one of the Southern 
Members has had a handsome brace of revolvers presented 
to him by his constituents. On a silver plate there is this 
touching inscription : " To be discharged on the smallett 
utpicion." The number of barrels vary from the days of 
the week up to nearly the days of the month. The object, 
as with GUY FABX in the cellars under Parliament, seems 
to be to cram in as many barrels as possible. We saw a 
beautiful specimen in VV all Street, the other day, that con- 
tained not less than twenty-four separate chambers. It 
was a perfect gem in the tubular way, and the mere look 
of the thing gave one quite a strong inclination for a row. 
just to try the effect of it. With its potent aid, a child 
might easily kill his man a second. It is quite impossible 
to say where Civilisation will stop ! 



" A LEGAL TENDBB." A decided contradiction of terms ; 
for we must say, that wit hin our experience we never jet 
knew anythkg "legal" that ever was "tender." 



AT BREAKFAST. 

Q. WHAT is the Schleswig-Holstein question, Papa ? 

A. Well, my dear boy, I am pleased to see that you have an 
inquiring mind, and take notice of what is said in your presence, and I 
will endeavour 19 make you understand. Schleswig-Holstein is in 
Denmark, that is, it is not exactly in Denmark, at least Schleswig 
may be called so, but not Holstein, no, it is Holstein that may be 
considered Danish, or, if you like a long word better, Scandinavian. 
Let me see, what did I say, yes, Holstein is the German division 
of the territory, and Schleswig is an ancient fief (you know what a 
fief is) of the Crown, and was ceded in 1816 ; that is to say, Holstein was 
ceded, not Schleswig, Holstein having been an ancient fief of Germany, 
and therefore you see Prussia takes an interest in the question, as part 
of the German Confederation ; but LORD JOHN RUSSELL is only in 
the matter as a mutual friend, and he thinks that the proposals of 
Prussia no, 1 mean Denmark, yes, of course Denmark, that concessions 
shall be made to Holstein no, Holstein does not want concessions, 
but a veto (that is Latin for, 1 forbid) upon taxation and other things, 
and Schleswig to be allowed to speak German well, LORD JOHN 
thinks this fair, but the Prussian minister does not think that Prussia 
at least Denmark, has any right to impose conditions of this sort, 
because there was a promise of a Constitution to Schleswig or Hol- 
stein, I forget which, but the principle is the same, and there are some 
other points mixed up with it which you might not be able to under- 
stand so easily as the simple outline of the case which I have given 
you. Pass niy cup to your Mamma. 



ROMILLY AND THE BIGOTS. 

EXETER Hall hath prevailed, it seems, and hath compelled MR. 
TURN BULL, of the Record Office (we mean the National Record Office, 
not that of the offensive newspaper) to resign. He is driven out 
| because he is a Catholic, and the Exeter Hall Protestants entertain 
some extraordinary conviction tint he might do something dreadful 
with the records of the realm. What this could be Mr. Punch is still 
! as much at a loss to comprehend as be was when the agitation against 
j MR. TURN HULL first excited Mr. Punch' i ridicule. But when old 
I women are once terrified, no argument will persuade them that a stick 
is not a gun, or that a gun cannot load and fire itself. The Exeter 
Hall old women have gone on howling until it was impossible for MR. 
TURNBULL to retain his place. He goes, but not for a dozen such 
victories would Mr. Punch have been one of " the body of so-called 
Christians," whom SIR JOHN ROM ILLY, Master of the Rolls, indig- 
nantly rebukes for this act of "persecution." To be branded by a 
ROMILLY is not a fate to be desired by any good man, and MR. TURN- 
BULL is amply avenged. The sooner the lying pretence of " brotherly 
love " is taken down from the front, of Exeter Hall the better. Dtk 
PHILADELFILEIOS, and lege FuLL-oF-DcLL-FoLLY. 



The Wrong Man for the Work. 

A WOHK is announced by DR. TICK, called, " Memory, and How to 
Aid it." The name is a bad one for a lecturer on Mnemonics' for, so 
far as we have seen, those who have had most to do. with TICK are 
decidedly the people of shortest memory. 

VOL. XL. 



Court Circular. 

THE Dramatic Authors, whose works have contributed so much to 
the success of the Windsor Performances during the hist three years, 
were entertained by PRINCE ALBERT in St. George's Hall on Thursday, 
and treated to " cold shoulder." 

A THOUGHT POR TEARS ! 

INNOCENCE is like an umbrella when once we have lost it, we 
must never hope to see it back again ! 

THE NEW STAPLE OF THE SOUTHERN STATES. Gun Cotton. 



56 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 9, 1861. 




THE GHOST OF A GUY. 

ERUSING the penulti- 
mate number of the 
Spiritual Magazine, 
we found a remark- 
able ghost-story. It is 
related by a corre- 
spondent naming her- 
self SAFAH WELTON, 
at second hand, from 
the memoranda of " a 
friend J. D , who has 
been for several years 
a writing medium." 
Under such circum- 
stances of course we 
are expected to be- 
lieve it. 

MR. J. D. told his 
friend SARAH WEL- 
TON that the best 
time for his hand 
being used as a me- 
dium is in the morn- 
ing on waking. Spi- 
rits do not eat chest- 
nuts, or one would 
have imagined that 
their best time for 

using his hand was in the evening after dinner, when he happened to 
have some roasting in the grate. Oil May 15, 1859, as J. D. was f lying 
awake, after the spirits had written several sentences of "what 
appeared incoherency," and probably was not very intelligible, through 
his hand, presently he felt a new sensation in his arm, and held out his 
hand to i>e used again ; whereupon came the following communication 
" What was written was by several spirits." 

" Do not mix your spirits, if you can help it," was the moral appa- 
rently meant to be conveyed. "Otherwise the result will be inco- 
herency." So it would seem. J. D. proceeds 

" At the same moment there appeared to me a figure, small, as if in perspective, 
of a man of above middle age, in ordinary garb, but dusty and faded ; his hat Looked 
ovt of shape and as if unbrtuhed for years, his boots rusty brown, down at heel and 
turned up at the toes ; one hand was carelessly stuck in bis pocket, and with the 
other he held a bulky umbrella, the riot of which, were kept together by a ring, aj'ter the 
fashion of forty years ago. I saw this figure with such minuteness, that I observed 
his frout teeth to be wanting as he spoke the above words which were not, how- 
ever audible, but expressed telegraphically through my right forefinger on to my left 
hand. In this way I received answers, from this apparent person, to questions." 

The italics are our own ; meant only to indicate the points of the 
narrative likely to interest the public. It is not often that you get a 
comic ghost-story. A spirit certainly must be an odd immortal to 
appear in a shocking bad hat, a Gamp umbrella, and seedy boots. 
* Who's your hatter f " is the question which one would be naturally 
disposed to put to such a spirit. The only motive for the appearance 
of this spiritual ragamuffin seems to have been the desire to show him- 
self a strange one considering the figure he cut. Telegraphically, 
through J. D.'s right forefinger on to his left hand, whatever that 
means, this slovenly ghost returned the subjoined answers to that 
eentleman's inquiries. The manifestations are those of cool indifference. 

" 'Well, have you anything to aayt' 'Nothing particularly, 1 was the answer 
expressed and communicated, as just mentioned. 

' ' What brings you, then ?' 'We come about you mediums so as to get to know 
what is going on in the old world.* 

" ' Did you know me ? ' ' No.' 

" ' I don't remember you ; were you a Londoner ? ' ' No : I belonged to one of 
the Northern Counties.' 

" ' When did you leave here ? ' ' About 1830.' 

" ' Well, but what do you want with that umbrella f' 1 Oh, I used always to 
carry it : it was a habit.' 

" ' But don't you cast aside a useless habit like that ; it must be troublesome 
now ? ' ' No ; it seems natural. The things we wear according to our taste are as 
much parts ol ourselves as our bodies ; old tastes and habits leave us as we get new 
thoughts. At present I feel comfortable in my old.' " 

It thus appears that this ghost was clothed by his 'own thoughts. 
There is many a sloven in this world who would be a dandy if he had 
as cheap a tailor. But this ghost was peculiarly heedless of personal 
appearance. He might no doubt have been his own dentist as easily 
as his own tailor, and yet he chose to appear without his front teeth. 
They might not have been useful to a ghost, but they would have been 
ornamental. The dialogue thus concludes : 

" 'How do you occupy yourself?' 'I go about looking at things, and making 
observarions,' 

' ' \VIi.-it. alone?' 'I don't caro for company.' 

' ' I have been told that spirit* have guides who look after them, and seek to 
elevate them?' 'Yes, and they come and talk to me sometimes ; but they say 
things that I don't agree with.' 



" To the next question I put, I received no answer : the figure disappeared, and 
the writing ceased." 

The things which the guardian spirits said to this unsocial ghost, and 
which he did not agree with, were probably observations on the sub- 
ject of personal appearance. Everyone, however, to his taste. If 
ghosts appear at all, they probably would appear in some attire. This 
one carried a Gamp umbrella. It was his habit. Well, certainly, this 
reminds us of 

' ' My father in his habit as he lived." 

Why shouldn't a ghost carry an umbrella as well as a truncheon; 
why not wear shabby clothes as well as complete mail, if the shabby 
clothes were his favourite habit? .These questions are certainly un- 
answerable ; but, before attempting to answer them, most people would 
like to be perfectly sure that J. I)., when he heard through his left 
hand, did not see behind his closed eyelids, if not with his eye and his 
elbow over the left. 



GREATNESS SINGING SMALL. 

IT is not often that we find so delicious an example of the " pride 
that apes humility," as was the other day afforded by the Mayor and 
Corporation of the town of Cambridge, before the ceremony of matri- 
culation of the PRIMCE or WALES. The Vice-Chancellor, attended, 
we are told, " by the Esquire Bedells " (Beadledom should know that 
there are beadles who are Squires), and " accompanied by the heads of 
Colleges and Proctors," (whose bodies, we may hope, were also in 
attendance) having first had the honour of introduction to the PRINCE, 
the Times informs us that the Mayor, with the Town Clerk at his heels, 
and followed by a part of the borough Corporation, was admitted to 
the presence, and presented an Address, whereof to serve by way of 
mode), we copy the first paragraph : 

"To His ROYAL HIGHNESS AI.BKRT PRINCE OF WALES. 

" May it please your Koyal Highness, We, HSR MAJESTY'S loyal and faithful 
subjects, the Mayor, Aldermen, and Burgesses of the borough of Cambridge, hum- 
bly crave leave to be permitted to offer to your Royal Highness our congratulation 
upon your admission as a member of the University of Cambridge." 

The notion of a Mayor " humbly craving leave to be permitted " to 
congratulate, presents a more astounding picture of humility than we 
should have thought it possible for fiction to invent. It will be 
noticed that the Mayor does not venture to crave leave directly to con- 
gratulate. All he dares aspire to is " humbly to crave leave for per- 
mission " so to do ; the roundabout phrase symbolising, as it seems to 
us, that he wished to make an extra deep obeisance to the PKINCE, 
and if need be was prepared to bob his head down to the dust. Yet 
with all this aped humility we doubt not had the Mayor been let to 
make a speech he would have called that present moment the proudest 
of his life, and we wager that before he stepped into the presence he 
stalked along the streets with somewhat in addition to his ordinary 
strut. Who with the magnificent Mayoral robes around him, and 
entrusted with the mission of presenting an address in person to a 
Prince, could feel otherwise than proud of the position which he occu- 
pied, having the knowledge of how much he would be talked of in the 
town, and envied by at any rate all the ladies in it ? And why could 
not the Mayor have said as much in his Address, and adopted the 
"large utterance of the early Mayors," instead of cringing before 
royalty and humbly craving leave for permission to congratulate ? 
There was nothing mean or sneaking in what he craved to do. A man 
is hardly less a man for being made a Mayor ; and surely might still 
speak in a proper manly manner. Presenting an address is a respect- 
ful act, and as honourable and lawful as it is respectful. Why then 
should not our Mayors (whose language is in general akin to that of 
Cambridge) adopt a different form of phrase for saying how-de-do to 
royalty, than that which has by custom, but not by sense, been sanc- 
tioned? " May it please your Royal Highness, we are proud to see 
you," or " We congratulate ourselves ou being able to congratulate 
you," would be phrases far more fitting, because far nearer to the 
truth, than any fawning flunkeyism or absurd circumlocution like 
"humbly craving leave for permission to congratulate." 



A Beggarly Empire. 

Ij Austria ever studied finance in any particular school, we should 
say it must have been the Ragged School ; for not only is she pauper- 
ised, and beggared almost to her last kreutzer, but her very bank-notes 
are, what a cook would call, " done to rags." 



ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER. 

Inquiring Yovth. Is Gaiita a prison or a fortress ? 

Satirical Youth. Not knowing, can't tell ; but considering it has 
been the residence so long of FRANCIS, we should say that Gaiita was 
the "choice Italian" for Newgate. 



FEBRUARY 9, 1861.] 



PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




ON Monday last, being the day before that appointed for the Meeting 
of Parliament. Mr. Punch, who had just returned from an interview 
with his Royal Mistress, was informed by one of his trembling i 
that a Deputation humbly solicited the honour of admission to his 
Presence. 

" A Deputation of what ? " demanded Mr. Pvnch, in his usual mild and 
affable manner. 

" There are Ministers, and Members of Parliament, and all that sort," 
responded the vassal, apologetically. 

' 1 am not fond of receiving the lower orders in my sanctum, as you 
know," returned his master. " They make it smell of wood-violets, 
and millefleurs, and Bouquet de Bunkum, and destroy the peifuuie of 
my cigars. However, let them in." 

Introduced by the PREMIER, there entered respectfully, and indeed 
almost awe-stricken, LOKD JOHN RUSSELL. MR. GLADSTONE, SIR G. C. 
LEWIS, the DCKE OF NEWCASTLE, LOUD DERBY, MR. DISRAELI, SIR 
JOHN PAKINGTON, LORD HERBERT or LEA, SIB. CHARLES WOOD, 
MR. ROEBCCK, MR. BRIGHT, MR. MILKER GIBSON, LORD CAMPBELL, 
THE O'HAGAN, the DUKE OF ARGYLL, MR. HENLEY, MR. WALPOLE, 
MR. COWPER, LORD CARLISLE, COLONEL NORTH, MR. EDWIN JAMES, 
BARON ROTHSCHILD, SIR BULWER LITTON, MR. EWART, MR. GILPIN, 
ever so many Bishops, and about fifty more of the celebrities or noto- 
rieties of the two Houses. 

" Now then, what 's up ? " demanded Mr. Punch. " Don't all speak 
at once," added the right honourable gentleman, lighting a weed. 

" The fact is, Mr. Punch," said LORD PALMEBSTON, "some of the 

i * * * i .... 




' But not verbosely, 1 tiust," said Mr. Punch. " Go "it." 

" I am not in it, mind," said PAM, "but I am asked to introduce 
the others." 

" Several of us are not in it," cried divers voices. 

"Settle it among yourselves, gentlemen," said Mr. Punch, "and 
when you are quite ready, fire away. I shan't offer you Seats, because, 
ha ! ha ! ha ! you have all seats of your own." 

When the convulsions of laughter which of course rewarded this 
epigram had subsided, 

LORD PALMEBSTON said. "The fact is, my dear Mr. Punch, they 
want you not to publish your world-famous Essence of Parliament 
this session." 

" By Jove ! " was all that Mr. Punch permitted to escape him, but 
the^fire in his eye would have eclipsed a raging volcano. 

" 1 told Vm that it was rather carrying assurance to the point of 
impudence," continued the PREMIER, "to come and ask you such a 
thing; but knowing you to be a good-natured party, 1 said that they 
mum rely on a civil hearing." 

" Let them speak," growled Mr. Punch. 

" It appears to me, my dear Mr. Punch," said MR. GLADSTONE, 
" that there are three ways open to me " 

" One is the door, one is the window, and one is up the chimney," 
returned Mr. Punch, furiously. " Perhaps you 'd better take the last, 
as most likely to soot you." 

The shout that followed this sally alarmed the guards on duty at 
Buckingham Palace. 

" Don't begin prosing," said Mr. Punch, appeased by this demonstra- 
tion. " Tell me in a few words what it is you all object to." 

"Why," said the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, "in the first 

place " 

Ha! would you,'' said Mr. Punc/i, menacingly. 

But I have two complaints," pleaded MR. GLADSTONE. 

" What are they corns and the toothache ? "demanded the Inex- 
orable. "Take COCKLE'S Pills, I'm told they cure both, and hanjs 
and smoky chimneys iuto the bargain." 



Another burst of laughter that set St. Bride's bells jangling, and 
brought down eight pigeons from the upper sky. 

" l.i>Kji, Mr. Punch," said MR. DISRAELI. "I am diametrically 
opposed to the prayer of your petitioners, and therefore I can state it 
with more candour than if it. were my own. They say that you spoil 
all their oratory by your merciless succinctness, that nobody reads any 
reports but yours, and that the label which you stick upon a speaker 
whom you don't like clings like the shirt of Nessus, and burns like 
the circlet of fire placed by Orcus, in the Epicurean, upon the brow of 
the priestess." 

"Walker, DIZZY ! " said Mr. Punch. " Half of 'em never heard of 
Nessus or Orcus either. Favour me by drawing it niiU." 

" Well, I have put it elegantly for them," said MR. DISRAELI , "but 
in the language of the vulgar, the way you show up a Parliament man 
makes his life not worth having." 

' Was I ever unkind to you?" demanded Mr. Punch. 

" Never," said MR, DISRAELI, impetuously, "and 1 am your debtor 
forever for the way you preserve my Attic salt." 

" Do I ever do injustice to any of you? If a man has got anything 
sensible to say and says his say sensibly, do I ever fail to recognise the 

" But we can't all be sensible," cried several voices. 

" Then, don't be sensitive," returned Mr. Punch, with the prompt- 
ness of lightning. " I comprehend you all, my bloaters. It does not 
suit your books to be set down in mine for what you are." 

" We must live," said a chorus of voices. 

" Je ne voit pas la ntctstite"" returned Mr. Punch. 

" Mr. Punch," said LORD DERBY, "you and 1 do not always think 
alike- " 

" That is because you sometimes think wrongly, my dear Lord." 

" Soil," said the Earl, laughing. " But I do not join in this petition. 
For myself, for my friend DISRAELI, and I believe I may say for 
PALM ERSTON, and any others (if there are any) who are really Out-and- 
Outers, 1 am proud to state that I consider your Essence of Parliament 
the noblest invention of modern times. With the interest of a novel 
and the sparkle of a comedy, it combines the fidelity of a daguerreotype, 
and the permanence of a diamond, to which I may add that its impar- 
tiality is equalled but by its lucidity, and if its elegance can be paral- 
leled it is only by its indispensability. This is an inadequate 
tribute " 

" It is," said Mr. Punch. " but it approximates to Veracity. And 
this is the Institution which you would abolish ? " 

" Only the Pumps among us," exclaimed the PREMIER, MR. DIS- 
RAELI, LORD DERBY, and a few more. 

" Ha ! " said Mr. Punch, rising, while the assembly trembled, 

" And the panic* amid hii speech 
Were as awful as the sound." 

"I continue," said Mr. Punch, "to receive from thousands of cor- 
respondents (and some of them don't pay the postage, and be hanged 
to them ! ) the most solemn and earnest assurances that the Essence of 
Parliament is the Palladium of English liberties, and the air that 
Britons breathe, that its unsparing revelations of the proceedings in 
your Houses save the Constitution about eleven times a week, and 
that if I should at any time discontinue it, the QUEEN'S subjects would 
lose not only the most important element in their happiness, but, the 
foundation of their confidence in existing institutions. While lam 
watching, all is well. If I close my eye, my eje ! " 

Subdued murmurs, and some sobbings were heard, and then Mr. 
Punch resumed, in a mild but firm tone, 

" Next week, being that following the meeting of Parliament, the 
ESSENCE will be resumed. All I shall add is, Look out and get out." 

The Deputation was about to withdraw with some precipitation, 
when Mr. Punch said 

" Nay, be good boys, and you have nothing to fear. A bridle for 
the horse, a whip for the ass, and a rod for the fool's back. Them's 
my sentiments, and now all of j ou stop and liquor." 

All powerful indeed is eloquence. Every man present instantly burst 
into a rapturous cheer for the new instalment of 

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 



The Severity of the Late Weather. 

Lady. Yes, HERR VOGELATJGEN, I must tell you that we were very 
nlucky during the late frost. Every one of our pipes burst. 
German bailor (astoniihed). Indeed, Madame ! 1 did not have one. 
lady. You were fortunate. Pray what did you do to prevent it ? 
German I'isitor (with the greatest innocence). Madame, I did smoke 
tlicm. 



PAID BACK. IN ITS OWN COIN. 

WE trust, if Venice is ever sold, that the purchase-money will be 
made in nothing but Austrian bank-notes. Austria will then be able 
to tell us how she likes that particular form of currency. 



58 



PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 9, 18C1. 







EFFECT OF THE WEATHER ON A SENSITIVE PLANT. 

YOUNG NlMBOD, AS HE APPEARED BEFORE THE FROST PERFECTLY DISENGAGED ! 



VERY UNFAIR 

FROM 

JOHN BRIGHT. 

JOHN BRIGHT in the 
course of his Birming- 
ham oration the other 
day, said he hoped 
LORD OVERSTONE'S 
speech to the North- 
amptonshire Volun- 
teers was better re- 
lished than the dinner 
his Lordship gave them 
in London, after the 
Volunteer Review. We 
did hear of some ill-con- 
ditioned officers of the 
corps, after that dinner, 
sending his Lordship 
3*. Grf. in postage 
stamps, as the outside 
price of a feed so re- 
markably bad, that it 
seemed only fair to 
trea the meal as an or- 
dinary one in the worst 
sense of the word. But 
this must have been 
an entire mistake on 
the part of the North- 
amptonshire' Volun- 
teers. 

If LORD OVERSTONE 
did give them a so-so 
dinner, depend upon 
it, it was that he might 



A>^ ^ -lr-C>O^K NJX>s c-OO^^e-*^- 




YOUNG DITTO, AFTER FOUR WEEKS' FBOST IN- A COUNTRY HOUSE MOST PARTICULARLY 

ENGAGED ! 



stamp the entertain- 
ment with an essen- 
tially soldierly charac- 
ter. How could he do 
this so effectually as 
by making a mess of 
itP 

A Voyage into the 
Interior. 

AMONGST the new 
Railway projects, it 
seems there is to be a 
tubular underground 
from Regent's Circus 
to the Bank. What 
the length of this new 
line is to be, we don't 
know, and we have our 
fears whether it, will be 
a very straight line ; for 
doesn't it strike the 
traveller as a very cir- 
cuitous route going to 
the City from Regent's 
Circus through Hol- 
low(-w)ay ? 



BETTER THAN NEW. 
Why ought every 
decent man at once to 
come out of South Ca- 
rolina? Because he 
ought to be ashamed to 
be seen in a Revolting 
State. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FKBKUART 9, 1861. 







BRITANNIA ABOUT TO TAKE HER " CONSTITUTIONAL" 

BRIT. " HAS A TENDENCY TO ' STORMY ! ' " 

PAM. "OH! NEVER MIND, MA'RM, I AM QUITE PREPARED FOR A CHANGE OF WEATHER!" 



FEBRUABT 9, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



THE KING AND MANY FRIENDS; 

OR, THK NfNCIO NOBBLED. 
3 Jltapoluan (CommtSia Dtll' 3rtt. 



ACT I. 

SCENE A Bomb-proof room in the Palace at Gaeta. Bombardment 
heard without. BOMBALINO discovered. 

Bombalino. San Gennaro! There's another salvo from those excom- 
municated batteries of the left attack ! I hope this chamber is really 
bomb-proof. 1 turned CASELLA out of it yesterday, so I have little 
doubt it is the safest place in the fortress. (Bombardment redoubles.) 
Holy San Francesco padrone mio what i to become of us ! 

Eater CASELLA, a good deal dilapidated, and decidedly dirty. 

Caiella. May it please your Majesty 

Bombalino. It does not please my Majesty. Your shirt, birbone 

Casella. Maesta, it is the cleanest I have. A general scantiness of 
linen prevails in the fortress. Soap is not to be procured, and the 
drying grounds are under the fire of the enemy. Coia vuole! 

[Shrugs his shoulders and spreads his hands. 

Bombalino (grumbling). Basta! Speak, idiot! 

Casella. The diplomatic representatives of your Majesty's royal 
allies 

Bombalino (between his teeth). Brigante .' Precious allies ! 

Casella. Who have held anxious counsel on your Majesty's present 
position, have come to a determination. 

Bombalino. At last ! What is it P 

Casella. They ask an audience in order to convey it to your Majesty 
by their doyen, the Nuncio of his Holiness. 

Bomhalino. Admit them ! 

Enter the RUSSIAN MINISTER, the CHARGE D'AFFAIRES OF PRUSSIA, 
the SPANISH MINISTER, the BAVARIAN MINISTER, the AUSTRIAN 
MINISTER, the SAXON MINISTER, and the PORTUGUESE CHARGE 
D'AFFAIRES, headed by the Papal Nuncio. They bov> profoundly. 

Nuncio. May it please your Majesty As the Representatives of the 
Catholic European Powers devoted to your Majesty, and to the cause 
of Royalty and Religion so nobly incarnated in your Majesty's illus- 
trious person here present in proof of the profound sympathy and 
active friendship of our respective Courts and Governments- (BoMBA- 
LINO winks gloomily at CASELLA) we have witnessed with intense 
admiration the magnanimous devotion with which your Majesty has 
borne the hardships and dangers of a siege, unexampled in the history 
of sieges, for the heroism of the assailed, and the abominable treachery 
of the sacrilegious assailants. The hearts of our respective Sovereigns 

bleed for your Majesty 

[The Corps Diplomatique apply their pocket handkerchiefs to tKeir 
eyes and noses. 

Bombalino (aside to CASELLA, sotto voce). It 's more than their 
pockets do. 

Nuncio. And their Royal sympathy is poured forth without stint tc 
support you in this hour of trial till now so bravely borne. They feel 
that the cause of the Altar and the Crown is confided.tq your hands, and 
they are satisfied that you will uphold it, at every sacrifice of men, ol 
money, of life, if need be. Go on, Sire, in your heroic course, supported 
by the consciousness of a sublime enterprise, the blessing of the Holy 
Fat her, and the prayers of the faithful all over Christendom. 

Bombalino (still, sotto voce). And their pence F Corpo di Bacco ! 

Nuncio. We have maturely considered the question referred to us by 
your Majestj- of the course to be taken in the presence of the con- 
tinually increasing force of sacrilegious assailants, the diabolical accu- 
racy of their fire, I he impediment to the passage of supplies and rein- 
forcements by sea interposed by that fleet, the greater part of which 
they have feloniously stolen from your Majesty. We are unanimously 
of opinion that resistance is hopeless, that the capture of the fortress 
by the excommunicated enemies of the Church, Ihp fiendish brood ol 
the Revolution, within a few days or weeks, is certain that what their 
fire cannot accomplish, famine will speedily and surely complete. We are 
therefore unanimously of opinion that your Majesty should carry out 
to the last his example of heroic devotedness to the great cause of the 
Altar and the Throne ; that he should remain where ne is, to resist til 
the last biscuit is eaten and the last cartridge expended ; and that he 
should then fall a martyr on the breach, by which the excommunicatec 
rebels enter tbe fortress as conquerors, but only over the body of your 
Majesty. (Prolonged sensation among the Corps Diplomatique. Bon 
BALING does not seem to see it.) Such, it appears to us, is the duty 
clearly marked out for your Majesty by circumstances, by that Roya 
dignity which your Majesty has so nobly vindicated, and that Faith in 
Holy Church, of wlncli your Majesty is the chief defender and mosi 
devoted son. With the blessing of that Church, 1 humbly take my 



eave of your Majesty, and with my colleagues hasten to Terracina 

here to report to our respective Governments your Majesty's sublime 

esolution, to claim for it the admiration of our Sovereigns, and to 

invoke for your Majesty the prayers of the Faithful all over the world. 

[Kneels. 

[The Corps Diplomatique tfina themselvtt at the feet of BOKBALIHO, 
mufh afflicted. " Us Adieuxde Oaeta "Tableau adapted from 
GtiM' famous / Pontainebleau. 
itino (asidt). ]H .;.\\ 1 am not quite such a fool as 
that, neither ! [Act Drop. 

ACT II. 

SCBNI Cabin aboard the sttamtr. The steam is heard getting up. Bom- 
bardment at a distance. Tke Corps Diphmatique of tke preceding 
Act discovered grouped iti tli the NUNCIO. 

Russian Minister. Batush/ca Monsignore do tell this hound of a 

aptain to weigh anchor ! 

Prussian Charge d'affaires. I am by no means certain that we are 
out of range here. 

Saxon Minister. \ told my wife I should be back to-night. 

Bavarian Minister. To-night, topptrmtnt ! I hope BO. I have not 
even brought a carpet-bag. 

Nuncio. Adagio, adagio, tori mitt ! I will speak to the Captain ! 
Quesio povero FKANCEICIIINO! 

Russian Minister. A noble rxtmple to his Order ! 

Prussian Charge d' Affaire*. A most love-and-honour- worthy young 
man ! 

Saxon Minister. It is a comfort to think we have done our duty in 
advising him to resist to the last. 

Chorus of Diplomatists. To the last ! 

Enter the CAPTAIN. 

Nuncio. Corpo di Bacco, Capitano. are we never to start ? 

Captain. I regret to detain your Excellencies. But this paper 

[Oives paper to NuKCIO. 

Nuncio (looking at 'the address). A Circular from his Majesty. To 
their Excellencies, &c. &c. Signori 

All. Read! Read;! 

Nuncio (reads). " Having in compliance with the resolution just 
now magnanimously arrived at by the friendship and enlightened 
wisdom of your Excellencies determined to resist to the last, and if 
need be, to be buried beneath the ruins of the fortress, I feel that the 
best way to insure the carrying out of this determination with dignity 
and resolution, is to invoke the support and countenance of your 
Excellencies, at the moment of its execution. Strong as I feel already 
in my own good cause, and in the sympathy of my brother Sovereigns, 
1 shall feel doubly strong with your Excellencies to lean upon, and I 
therefore, in the name of that cause which we all support, and that 
friendship of which you are the eloquent and truthful organs, beg you 
to come back and stay with me at Gacta, as long as our resistance lasts. 
and at its close to testify to your Sovereigns, as eye-witnesses, that 1 
carried out the counsels so kindly and freely given by your Excel- 
lencies. (Signed) FRANCESCO SBCOKDO." 

The Nuncio (drawing a long breath). Per Dio t 

[The Corps Diplomatique exchange blank looks. 

The Captain. The boats are alongside to convey your Excellencies to 
the landing-place. 

Nuncio (helplessly looking round). Ma carimiei! 

Russian Minister. Go, Monsignore, by all means. As the represen- 
tative of a great power, it is clear that / cannot take up my residence 
in a second-rate fortress like Gaeta. The dignity of my imperial master 
forbids me from taking a step which in itself would be so agreeable to 
my feelings. 

Prussian Chargf f Affaires (to Nuncio). Tell the King, Monsignore, 
that were I Minister, I should not lose a moment in flying to the side 
of his Majesty. But 1 am only a Secretary of Legation, and besides, I 
have no instructions . 

Several Ministers (in chorus). Nor I ! Nor I ! Nor I ! 

Bavarian Minister. Pott-tausend ! I have left my carpet-bag ! 

Saxon Minister. Verfluchter ! And 1 have left my wife ! 

All (to NUNCIO). Fly, Monsignore ! Comfort his Majesty. Say our 
hearts are with him, but that for the reasons given our presence is 
imperatively required elsewhere ! 

Captain. To the Boat, Monsignore ! 

The Corps Diplomatique generally. Let us assist your Excellency to 
the gangway. 

Nuncio (helplessly, as he is bundled (f). Oi me .' Pooero me ma 
Signori.' Per amor di Dio f [Tableau Curtain. 



Give a Dog a Bad Name, &c. 

TUB United Secession States will shortly want a name. Mr. Pmci 
suggests SLAVEOW.NIA. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 9, 1861. 



FOOD AND FEATURES. 

E find the following sugges- 
tive passage in a new book 
on dietetics, entitled. The 
Gastric Regions and Vic- 
tualliny Department, by "An 
Old Militia Surgeon": 

" It has been said that per- 
poual beauty depends in a great 
degree upon eating aud drinking ; 
and that the ugliness of the C'al- 
mucks is owing to their feasting 
upon raw flesh. It has also been 
surmised that the inverted fea- 
ture so remarkable among Irish- 
men is mainly to be attributed 
to their fondness for potatoes. 
This subject deserves further in- 
vestigation ; aud we may look 
forward to the time when, by a 
judicious dieting, we may always 
secure a never-failing supply of 
haudsome women aud good- 
looking well-developed men to 
match them." 

The surmise that pota- 
toes, as an article of food, 
could have any particular 
effect upon the nose appears 
not to rest upon any very 
solid foundation. At any 
rate one would not naturally 
expect that potatoes would 
produce turn-up noses. We should as soon imagine that carrotty hair would be 
acquired by eating cabbage. 

A vegetable countenance certainly may be obtained by drinking, for it is noto- 
rious that sufficient perseverance in brandy-and-water will develope grog-blossoms 
on the end of the nose. Young ladies disposed to cultivate roses on their cheeks 




will find a diet consisting principally of plain beef and 
mutton in general answer their purpose. Cherries might 
be tried to improve the lips, with or without success, and 
the attempt to eat large oysters might be made by any 
damsel who thought her mouth too small. A glass or 
two of wine will make the eyes s parkle, but a drop too 
much is apt to redden them. Green peas may affect the 
chin if anything will ; and though it may not be true that 
pug-noses are caused by potatoes, there is no doubt that 
plenty of brocoli will in time induce an aquiline form of 
nose or a Roman nose with a hook. It is a mistake, how- 
ever, to suppose that butter, because it is grease, has any 
effect in forming the Grecian nose. 



A Catch for the City. 

" CABMAN, hither, off the Rank ! " 

" Drive whereto, Sir ? " " To the Bank." 

" Pray be careful; for I journey 

With a Power of Attorney 

In my pocket." " Oh ! I 'in blowed ! 

S'posing it was to explode ! " 



INCONVENIENT HOKSES ! 

WEALTH has its sorrows as well as Poverty. We heard 
DIVES, who has everything he can wish for, complaining 
bitterly the other day. "1 have a pair of most inconvenient 
horses," he said lamenting. " They jib going up-hill, and 
bolt going down-hill ! " 



WELL, WE ARE, &c. If you saw that dear boy WALTEE 

going to pull the trigger of his rifle, and you said so, what 

Shakspearian quotation would you use ? " WAT 's in an 

: aim." [Contributor discharged uncured. 



EFFECTS OF THE FROST. 

A FIVE weeks' settled frost, and the thermometer at intervals falling 
below zero, are happily in England not every-year occurrences ; and we 
may surely be excused if, for the benefit of posterity, we recur to them 
once more, and note a few of their effects. Having organised a staff 
of special weatherproof reporters, wh'o could poke their noses anywhere 
without a fear of being frost-bitten, we have gathered a great number 
of most interesting statistics, showing the results of the intensity of 
cold; and from them we now publish the following selection, with 
which our scientific readers will doubtless be delighted : 

The frost was so severe on Christmas Eye that as Mr. Punch was 
brewing a bowl of his hot namesake, the spirit froze into big brandy- 
balls the iwhile he poured it out ; and though the water had been 
boiling not two minutes before, it came out of the kettle in the form 
of a long icicle. 

The same evening Miss SPRIGHTLYE being caught beneath the mis- 
tletoe, received a chaste salute from the lips of her adorer, which in 
the act of printing it were frozen to her cheek so hard that, till her 
aunt came up, she could not break away from them. 

Down at Muddleditch in Suffolk, a wretched guest who being single 
was sentenced to a garret, found his shaving-water ice every morning 
when he wanted it, and as he had unluckily brought ivory-handled 
hair-brushes, his hands were daily frostbitten in parting his back hair, 
nor could he once succeed in doing it exactly in the middle. 

The streams of people going to the play during the holidays were, it 
is presumed, mostly frozen on the way, for very few were found to 
reach their destination. 

ME. CLOSEFIST in the Christmas week having asked a friend to dine 
with him, gave him such a cold reception that he took a sudden chill at 
the moment of his entrance, and there being nothing stronger than 
claret after dinner, the poor man returned home with an attack of 
influenza, from which till the thaw came his sufferings were intense. 

Miss QUALLEK, being asked to sing during the frost, and having 
what the critics call a " liquid " voice, found her articulation so im- 
peded by the cold that she was unable to get out a single note. 

One of the most facetious contributors to Punch, on sitting down to 
write his usual supply, discovered that although his nose and knees 
were in the fire, and bis inkstand in a saucepan of hot water on the 
hob, the ink froze in his pen the instant he had dipped it, and as the 
wit flowed from his brains it congealed into dry humour, and could 
scarcely be dug out. 

Two young Clergymen, in Kent, in defiance of their bishop, left off 
shaving, on the ground of its being in such weather cruelty to animals. 
But such, it is supposed, was the effect of the frost, that hardly a hair 



succeeded in sprouting on their cheeks, and their chins and upper lips 
were equally left barren. 

At upwards of a thousand new, and therefore ill-built houses during 
Christmas, the soup that left the kitchen in an almost boiling state 
was, through the cold draughts in the passages, served out as savoury 
jelly ; while the custards were solidified into hard ice-creams, and the 
only things that came to table hot were the cayenne pepper and the 
temper of the master. 

To keep itself from freezing a snipe flew down the shaft of a glass 
furnace in the North, and the frost was so intense, that though the 
bird went through the very hottest of the fire, it came out quite alive, 
and was scarcely even singed by it. 

A hirsute volunteer, who lives in terror of bronchitis, having in his 
usual manner buttoned his beard beneath his tunic as a protection to 
his chest, had it frozen during drill so firmly to his shirt front, that 
when ordered to move " Kyes Kight ! " he found he could not turn his 
head, and so he had to go .through drill with his " eyes front" in every 
movement. 

So severe was the frost in some parts of the country that hundreds of 
old hares were found turned white with terror at it. 

An extremely striking proof of the intensity of cold was afforded at 
the house of a gentleman at Peckham, whose butler when examining 
the plate after a dinner party, found that in the process of the washing 
up, all the salvers, forks, and spoons were turned to frosted silver. 

But of all the marvellous effects of the late frost, we have heard of 
none to equal a fact for which a gentleman named SM-TH is our 
authority. We learn from this observer, that a street organ perform- 
ing opposite his doorstep, while playing part of HANDEL'S or more 
correctly HANDLE'S delicious Water Music had its pipes all frozen 
hard, but a change to Drops of Brandy gradually thawed them. 



SALUTING A CAPTAIN. 

ALMOST as soon as CAPTAIN Don's invaluable Parliamentary Com- 
panion reached us, we learned that MR. TITUS SALT, M.P. for Bradford, 
had malevolently resolved in defacing one item in the manual. What 
does TITUS mean by retiring ? His namesake, the delight of mankind, 
never retired, until he went off for good aud all. Does he mean to 
imply that the House of Commons is not worth its Salt ? Does he 
forget that in the nautical debates likely to come on, there could not 
be a better adviser than an Old Salt ? Does he think that Punch could 
not make about a thousand more epigrams upon him ? Does he think 
Punch will ? Because if he does he thinks a great mull, Mr. Punch's 
only object in this paragraph being to pulf CAPTAIN DOD'S invaluable 
Parliamentary Companion, because it needs no puffing. 



FEBRUAHT 9, 1861.] 



PUNCH, Oil THE LOiNDCLN CHARIVARI. 



63 




CONVIVIALITY AND SCIENCE. 

OME people, while il 
lasted, grumbled sadly 
at the frost, but we 
suspect that very many 
of them, in spite of al 
their growling, musl 
have had a jolly time 
of it. We think, if 
fair statistics could be 
furnished on the sub 
ject, it would be founc 
that the consumptioi 
of the good things p 
this life has been in 
the last six weeks very 
much above the ave- 
rage. To men in 
health "fine bracing 
weather," with the 
temperature at zero, 
is known to have I 
marvellous effect upoi 
the appetite, and when there is anything unusual in the way ol 
cold without, an extra dose of warm within is pretty sure to be 
prescribed for it. With a hungry Gnaw-Gnaw-Easter daily bitint 
one to bits, one need have something extra in the way of vita 
sustenance, and stimulants seem needful to keep up one's vita 
heat, and to protect the inner man from any risk of being frostbitten. 
It is true that this is really an erroneous idea, and your medical man 
will tell you that the influence of alcohol is to increase your chance 
of frostbite, as in reality it makes you more susceptible of cold. Still, 
unless you are possessed of a remarkably strong mind, you will continue 
to place credit in the pleasant old delusion, and if there be any spirits 
present where you are, you will not hesitate to try if they have power 
to keep the cold out. 

But besides the extra feasting occasioned by the temperature, and 
the extra nightly glass or two medicinally swallowed, the frost has 
found excuse for a good deal of joviality, enjoyed under the plea of 
purely scientific purposes. We don't know how many of our friends, 
BO long as the cold lasted, considered it incumbent on themselves to 
watch its progress, and to sit up half the night witli a guest or two for 
company, that they might make a record of the coldest time. That 
this was not peculiar merely to our friends, the columns of the news- 
papers afforded ample proof. Scarcely a Timet passed without the 
printing of a letter from some vigilant observer, who besides telling 
the Universe that his thermometer at Boggleditch marked on the 
morning of his writing thirty-nine degrees of frost, stated that the 
coldest period was after three A.M., up to which hour he was conscious 
of having watched the glass. Upon statements such as this, cruel 
people might of course indulge in cruel comments, and hint at the 
observer's oeing carried up to bed. as a reason why his observations of 
the temperature were not carried down to a later hour than three. 
But without inclining to such savage ways of looking at it, we think 
that science is compatible with no small amount of jollity, and that 
when men take to watching their wet bulbs they are uot unapt to make 
at times a wettish night of it. Although the glass may certify the 
weather is " set fair," other moisture may be present than that which 
is in the atmosphere; and when glasses, not thermometers, have 
sparkled on the board before a meeting of savanii, "much haze" may 
be the record noted in their journals, while the readings of their night 
tubes should be taken with some caution, as their powers of observa- 
tion may chance to have been double. 



Railway Remembrancers. 

WHEN a Railway train stops at a Station you hear the porters 
running by and shouting something which, if yon know where you 
are, you understand to be the name of the place. At the same time, 
newspaper boys also run by bawling, " Times Punch, One-, a Week" &c. 
Now there is another cry which, if heard at the same time, might 
prove a salutary warning. Young lawyers' clerks might be usefully 
employed in trotting along the platform close to the carriages, and 
crying, ."Make your wills, ladies and gentlemen; make your wills !" 
Much intestacy would be thus prevented. 



A Man Called out of hie Name. 

WE can't conceive a greater misnomer than that of the Plaintiff in 
the great case of PATEI. SATARTE now being tried in Paris. 

To think of a man bring c tiled I'ATER-SON, when the very question 
at issue is, whether he is to be allowed to be the lawfully-begotten ton 
of his own Paier and the chances are a hundred to one against it ! 



MEDICAL MAGPIES. 

WHAT fools there are in the world! This we are aware is not a 
novel observation : in spite, however, of its sUleness, we cannot but 
prefix it to the following intelligence, which we copy from the Daily 
2fm of Tuesday in last week ; 

" Butox SUPERSTITION. The following request was. In an open letter, made to 
the tint Chamber of Deputies at Dresden ou the 19th of December bat : ' Dresden, 
December 17, 1800. The Bisters' Establishment of this place prepares and sells a 
powder against epilepsy, with the permission of the Government. For this pur|>ose 
magpies are need, who (I) must be shot in the time between the 14th of December 
an<l the 16th of January, and who (!) must bo deficient in neither claws nor feathers. 
Innumerable people have been cared by these powders: but unfortunately those 
magpies are so difficult to obtain, that the strong demand for these powden cannot 
be satisfied- The undersigned therefore humbly requests the honourable geutiy 
and nobility of the Chamber, for the sake of the charitable purpose, to shoot as 
many magpie* as possible .luring the abovementioned time, and to send them to 
the Staters' Establishment of tma place. (Signed) OTTO Vox Bmnurasxmr.' Ai 
complying with this request, some ol the first noblemen in Saxony have pat tbeir 
names to the letter." 

" Innumerable people have been cured by these powders!" Have 
they, indeed? Pray what number is intended by the adjective "innu- 
merable ? " Does it mean two or three, or even half a dozen? Before 
the noblemen of Saxony went magpie-shooting for the Sisters, we trust 
their minds were satisfied upon this not unimportant point. 

If the Sisters be "of Charity," as we presume they are, of course 
they won't object to let the secret they possess be transmitted over 
here to us for charitable purposes. Epilepsy is, unhappily, not unknown 
in England ; and there are many of our countrymen who would gladly 
add their names to the "innumerable" persons whom the Sisters' 
charm has cured. If they will send us the prescription, and any one 
of our physicians will attestlits efficacy, we promise to go oat in person 
next December, and shoot as many magpies as we can get near. We 
will also do our utmost to get up a Magpie Hospital for Epileptic 
Patients, and we will advertise the Magpie Powders against Epilepsy 
as widely as professors of quack medicines puff theirpills. 

While we write, a little bird comes flying, flying West ; and informs 
us that a magpie has been taken up in Dresden, and formally arraigned 
before the Chamber of Deputies for the heinous crime of singing in the 
streets the following song : 

AIH " Thi Perfect Ctut." 

Good people all, although I 'm small, 

Great things, when dead, I '11 do 'em : 
You 've only got to get a pot, 

Wherein my bones you 11 stew 'em : 
When done, me to a powder grind, 

And then, of this 1 'm sure, 
For Epilepsy you will find 

I am a Perfect Cure ! 

But see my claws are whole, because 

I'm useless else, remember, 
My feathers too ; and mind that you 

Don't boil me till December. 
Then grind me up, and you will see. 

As sure as eggs are sure. 
For Epilepsy, he ! he ! he ! 

I.am a Perfect Cure ! 

Now pray don't laugh, or try to chaff, 

Or think my fun I 'm poking, 
I've but averred the truths I 've heard 

From men too grand for joking : 
The noble swells of Saxony 

Have made assurance sure, 
And signed a note to certify 

That I 'ma Perfect Cure! 

Chonu. 
A Cure ! a Cure 1 a Cure ! a Cure ! 

For Epilepsy sure : 
The nobs, he ! he ! have said of me, 

" Yes, he 's a Perfect Cure !" 



Can a Chattel be a Criminal ? 

In the eyes of the Slaveholders a Slave is deemed a thing, a bit of 
property, a chattel. Granting this be so, there comes just now the 
question. Can a thing do wrong? Can a chattel commit murder: If 
not and common sense appears to justify the negative on what ground 
s the charge made against ANDERSON the fugitive? He, a chattel, 
jlew a slaveholder who hindered his escape. If this be reckoned 
murder, then, as things can do no murder, must slaves be counted men, 
and be no longer viewed and sold as being merely chattels. Utnaate 
horum vela, Carolina f Choose which view you will, but excepting you 
see double, you cannot well see both. 



6t 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 9, 1861. 




LET'S TRY TO BE CHEERFUL. 

A DEFICIT 's coming, hurrah ! hurrah ! ' 

A Deficit 's coming, hurrah ! hurrah ! 

A Deficit 's coming, and GLADSTONE is humming 

And ha-ing about it, hurrah ! hurrah ! 

More taxes are coming, hurrah ! hurrah ! 
More taxes are coming, hurrah ! hurrah ! 
More taxes are coming, for fifing and drumming 
Cost money in plenty, hurrah ! hurrah ! 

But one thing's not coming, hurrah! hurrah ! 
No, one thing's not coming, hurrah ! hurrah ! 
Invasion's not coming, no, no, DOCTOR CUMMINS, 
We 're not a bit frightened, hurrah ! hurrah ! 

So when Budgets are coming, hurrah ! hurrah ! 
When Budgets are coming, hurrah ! hurrah ! 
When Budgets are coming we'll think that the summing 
Is all in our favour, hurrah ! hurrah ! 



TWO FEATURES ROLLED INTO ONE. 

A CITY Gent, praising a lady for tar beauty, said, in 
a burst of rapture, " Oh ! she 's got such a nasal eye ! " 

Every one was astonished, and upon questions being 
asked as to what a " nasal eye " was like, our friend pointed 
to a lady present, who, he said, had eyes something like 
his beauty in question. The truth then flashed out. It 
was "a hazel eye" the City Gent had meant to say. For 
the life of him, he could not see what there was to laugh 
at, because he had said a lady had " a nasal eye." He got 
quite angry, and left the room, which was a great relief to 
1 every one present, as his absence enabled all the guests to 
join in one unanimous loud guffaw. 



FEROCIOUS DEALER. "Now, if any man will tell me that that's a Copy, I'll 
I'll hnockhim down! What 's your Candid Opinion?" 



Seive Them Bight. 

WE learn that three young gentlemen of most respect- 
able connections have, as we think, deservedly been cut by 
their best friends, for the heinous sin of having when the 
snow was Ijing on it, tried to make out that the Isle of 
Dogs was like the Isle of White. 



AN UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT. 

ATTENTION is really due to the subjoined extract from the Times' 
money-article : 

" It ia understood that MR. GLADSTONE has abandoned bis attempt to extract 
double Income- Tax from the holders of Indian securities. Among the commercial 
public there has from the first been but one opinion as to the character of the pro- 
ceeding, and it has always been reported that SIR CHARLES WOOD and the Indian 
Council were equally convinced of its impropriety. The holders, however, were 
forced to the annoyance anH expense of taking measures to assert their rights, and 
it was only then that the Government found it necessary to ascertain their legal 
standing." 

" Hang a man first, and try him afterwards " is a maxim which, with 
analogical exactness, MB. GLADSTONE has observed in dealing with the 
Indian Stockholders. " Extract your tax from people first, and then 
ascertain if they are liable to pay it." The parallel runs closely on all 
fours. It turns out that Indian Stockholders are not liable to pay double 
Income-Tax ; so that those who have had to pay it h'ave been we won't 
say what. We do not wish to use a hard word. The Times goes on to 
announce that : 

" According to a notice from the Inland Revenue Office, it now appears that the 
opinion both of the Attorney and Solicitor General is, that the double tax cannot be 
enforced, and the claim has been accordingly given up. The amounts already 
deducted will, of course, have to be refunded." 

We have often remarked that, whereas the CHANCELLOR OF THE 
F.XCIIKQUER is continually acknowledging the receipt of Conscience 
Money from "X. Y. Z.," " Neddy Bray," "A. S. S.," and other simple- 
tons, you never find anybody who has been overcharged for Income-Tax 
or assessed, or other taxes, acknowledging the receipt of any conscience- 
money from the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER. Now at last, how- 
ever, he is forced to refund. The amount to be returned will not be 
conscience-money, though. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER 
disgorges; but only underpressure. What sort of an example is that, 
to set HER MAJESTY'S subjects ? Will the queasiest of consciences 
of the most scrupulous people give up any more contcieuce-money to 
such a performer of restitution ? 

It is perhaps lucky for some people that the Right Hon. Member 
for the University of Oxford is not HOME SECRETARY instead of 



CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER. For, although, in the former of 
those ministerial capacities, he would not exactly have it in his power 
to cause the execution of prisoners to precede their trial, he might, 
nevertheless, in the case of a petition to the Crown against a question- 
able conviction and sentence of death, advise his Sovereign first to 
order the sentence to be carried out, and then to examine the grounds 
of the appeal. 

Wasting Powder. 

OUR Edinburgh friends have decided on letting a cannon be fired 
from the Castle every day at XII., in order that Auld Reekie may be 
aware of the exact time. This seems to us needless, we had an idea 
that a Scotsman always "knows what 's o'clock." 



IN our Number of November 10, 1860, and under the heading 
JYPE OF THE MEDICAL ROGUE," we quoted a fewjiues from a letter 
which appeared in the columns of our estimable contemporary the 
Morning Post, and used them as a text upon whicli to make some 
general observations of our own. In the Morning Post, and therefore 
necessarily in Punch, a blank was left for the name of the individual 
referred to. 

In a communication which we have received since our last Number 
went to press, we are for the first time assured authoritatively on 
behalf of a gentleman who insists that the blank left by our contem- 
porary was intended for his name, that he has contradicted in the 
Morning Post the statement which we quoted. We are also informed 
that the Lancet has repeatedly, in articles on the subject, established 
the honourable character of his conduct in the matter. We think it 
due to the gentleman who complains of our article to give the 
same publicity to the contradiction that we gave to the quotation 
and to add that, as our observations were applicable to the conduct 
described in the contradicted statement, they fall with the statement, 
so far as he is concerned. We printed no name at the time, and 
abstain from doing so now. It can answer no purpose to give the 
name to those who have not identified the blank with an individual, 
and to those who have, if there are any, our remarks will be as 
intelligible as if we gave the name at length. 



Printed br Willlum Br4bur>, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullen E*n, of No. 19. Queen'i Road West, Regent'i Pnrk, both in the! Parish of St Paneni, in the Com V of Midd]ej 
',:nti.ra Street, in lae tTecitict of Wtwefnan, in in; City of Union, and FublllM by them at No. 35, 1'leet Street, in the i'i, i<h ' 



Printers, fit thf ir Utlic<* ID Lorn 
SAIVBDAY, Te'jruary V, It'j 



h of St. Bride in the I t/ of London. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




C5 



SKETCH SHOWING THE POSITION OF THE EASTERN COUNTIES SHIP 

A HEAVY ROLLING LURCH. 



'EXPRESS" IN 



FUN FOR THE FOREIGN 
OFFICE. 

LITTLI JOHN here's your good 

luck! 
You have shown both nous and 

pluck, 

Diplomatic knaves outwitted, 
Tricksters honestly admitted, 
Fairly, that is, let them in, 
And can laugh with those who 

win. 

Sli iring in the noble mirth 
Of Italians, men of worth, 
Who their, liberty have won 
By your help, my little JI.IIK, 
You, with GARIBALDI lau^hinjr, 
Mind, an Emperor you 're chaffing. 



Curious Coincidence. 

WHO will maintain there is 
nothing in the old Greek doctrine 
that names have a mysterious sig- 
nificance, in the face of the fact 
that the Spanish Minister, whose 
diplomatic duties have involved 
him in FRANCIS TUB SECOND'S fix 
inside Gauta, should be the COUNT 
DlLnuf Only the spelling should 
be corrected into dilemma. 



HOWTEK S BUT. 

IF a Young Lady was entering 
a Convent, and a feeling of regret 
came orer her, what kind of regret 
would you call it f 

An unavailing (a-Hun-a-veiling) .'/ 



MAKING THE MOST OF IT. 

Is common, he supposes, with most rightminded people, Mr. Punch 
has seen with pleasure the columns upon columns of alms-giving an- 
nouncements with which, for the last two months, the Times has daily 
furnished us. Mr. Punch has no intention to check the flow of charity, 
even though the frost which started it has ended. But certain of the 
donors whose names have been announced have occupied a space so 
disproportioned to their gifts, that a gentle hint seems needful to 
prevent this needless waste of our contemporary's space. In too many 
subscription lists which lately have been advertised half a dozen lines 
or more have been taken up by what should have been put in only one. 
If for instance MR. JONES, with his family and servants subscribed a 
live pound note, the gift has been paraded to the universe as follows : 



Nova E. JOXES, ESQ., Trumpet House, Blowborough . 
MBS. JONES .......... 

Miss JONES .......... 

Miss JEMIMA JONES ......... 

Miss DOROTHEA JUDITH DULCIBELLA, JONIS ... 
MASTER JONES .......... 

MASTER WILLIAM WIOOINS JONIS ..... 

MASTER GEORGE ROBUBTUS JONES ...... 

Collected amoug his Schoolfellows by MASTER PETER JONES 
Servants' Offerings, viz : Cook. 2*. ; Housemaid, 1. (W. ; 
Nurse, It. 6d. ; Ditto (Uuder) 1. ; Page, M. ; Knifeboy, 2J<(. 



>. 
22 
11 
10 
05 
05 
OS 
02 
02 
1 



6 81 



Total 500 

A few sovereigns in this way may be hammered out to cover much 
valuable space, and as charitable advertisements of course have to be 
paid for, this process of gold-beating becomes a rather costly one, and 
entrenches somewhat heavily upon the funds that are in band. Mr. 
Punch, who has no sympathy with snobbism or puffery, would suggest 
that in a case like that of MR. JONES publicity should merely be allowed 
to the sum total, and that the items of subscription should, as needless, 
be suppressed. True Charity, we are told, vaunteth not itself, is not 
puffed up ; and when charily is given with a great flourish of trumpets, 
it ceases to be charity, and becomes a mere advertisement. 



"You're Speaking of the Emperor?" 

ANKBXED Monaco, eh ? What, at his tricks again ? Nay, don't say 
that. The tiny territory belonged to a Prince of the House o'f 
GRIMALDI. At the worst, the act is only a pantomime trick. 



ANGLO-ITALIAN COPYRIGHT. 

THE treaty between England and Sardinia, referred to in the 
QUEEN'S Speech, provides for the reciprocal security, in both countries, 
of " copyright ou books, dramatic works, musical compositions, draw- 
ings, paintings, sculpture, engravings, lithography, and any other 
works whatsoever of literature and the fine arts. This new inter- 
national treaty is a most important arrangement, especially if Sardinia 
is to involve United Italy. Those Italians, if good care were not taken 
to restrain their piratical propensities, would very soon plagiarise our 
works of art, and particularly our sculptures. As regards the latter, 
the mischief, probably, has already been done ; and we are now only 
shutting the stable-door after the steed has been stolen. This obser- 
vation especially relates to our equestrian statues of GEORGE THE THIKD 
with his pigtail. GEORGE TUB FOURTH riding his horse to drink, and 
the DfKE or WELLINGTON on the top of BURTON'S Arch. In all these 
cases not only the hones, but also the riders, have most likely been 
stolen by Italian copiers of British ideas. The fine statue of JEX.NEK 
sitting in his sheet, going to be shaved, and the contiguous sculpture 
which represents SIR CHARLES NAPIER, the conqueror of Scinde, with 
a ramrod seemingly driven down his back, as well as that other work 
of truly high art, NELSON on the top of the column hard by, have 
doubtless been seized upon by some of the imitative countrymen of 
MICHAEL ANGELO and BENVENUTO CELLINI, and put forth as designs 
of their own. Of course they will appropriate the Crimean trophy, 
cannons and all. We should not be at all surprised to hear that the 
POPE has got GOG and MAGOG at the Vatican ; fac-similes, that is to 
say, of GOG and MAGOG, but which his Holiness verily believes to be 
the originals of our City Giants. 

There is another great work of ours, which the Italians are endea- 
vouring to imitate, and are welcome to do so, if they can. That is the 
British Constitution. We shall not claim copyright in tht.t conception; 
though, if the Italian people succeed in constructing a real resemblance 
to our form of Government, we expect they will stand something hand- 
some. Like their own Rome, our grand political edifice was not built 
in a day ; but now the Italian architects have got our model to work 
from, it is to be hoped that they will be able to run up the building in 
a few months. 

" WANTED A GOOD CUTTER "For the Isthmus of Suez. Apply 
to MR. FEKDIXAND DE LESSEE. 



VOL. iL. 



G6 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 16, 1861. 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EBRUARY, 5, 1861, Tuesday, 
and St. Agatha's Day, tlie 
Great British and Little 
Irish Parliament re-assem- 
bled for a Session which, 
likeevery Session Mr. Punch 
ever heard of, promises to 
be marked by the most im- 
portant crisis conceivable. 
Never was there a time 
when, &c., &c., never was 
Europe in a situation of 
greater, &c., &c., never were 
statesmen more hound to 
be tiiis, never were legisla- 
tors more bound to be that, 
never were the people more 
bound to be the other thing. 
But let the world be of good 
cheer, stern in arms stands 
the demi-god Punch, and 
the world may be further 
comforted by hearing that 

" Si fractus illabatur Orbis, 
Irupjwidum ferieut ruimt;." 

At the usual hour QUEEN 
VICTORIA ascended her 
throne and delivered her Speech. This will be known in history as the 
Colloquial Speech. It was so termed by the EARL OF DERBY in the sub- 
sequent debate on the Address ; but what would that classical peer and 
translator of HORACE have said, if he had seen the original draught of the 
document, as prepared by the Bottleholder. This was colloquial, if 
you like. The PRINCK CONSORT was kind enough to send it on to 
Air. Punch, simply in order to amuse tlie latter Field Marshal ; but it 
is really such a specimen of PALMERSTON'S free-and-easy-iam that it 
must be embalmed for the Ages. This was PALMERSION'S composition : 

Mr LORDS AND GENTLEMEN, 

Here we all are again ; and how do you do to-morrow ? 

All is serene, as far as I can see, and I hope the moderation of foreign 
parties will keep things so. Talking of moderation, what a bore those 
moderator lamps are to make burn properly. I wish somebody would 
invent a good lamp. 

The Italians are going it, are they not ? However, that 's neither 
your business nor mine. Let them settle their affairs their own way. 
If you want to see what JOHNNY RUSSELL has been writing about it, 
he has my orders to give you the papers. 

It was necessary, of course, to stop that shocking work in Syria, and 
as Louis NAPOLEON happened to have soldiers handy (he always has) 
I and the other four Powers agreed that he should send some of them 
to help the Sultan to put down the savages. The French troops, you 
understand, represent all of us. I hope that all will be set strai *ht. 

We have given it to the Chinese, and taken Pekin, so that b isiness 
is done. There 's a Blue Book for you full of the particulars, but I 
fancy you know all about them already. 

India is improving, except in the *. d. line, but. we '11 trust that 
will come right in time. 

Those tattooed parties, the New Zealarders, have been making a 
shindy, but it is to be hoped that they will be put down and 1-ept down. 

I am sorry to say that stars are falling from the flag of America. The 
Yankees are our cousins and our customers, and I do trust that they will 
make up matters somehow. They were so very kind to my eldest boy 
when he went over the Union, that I am doubly vexed at their being 
in trouble. 

The Canadians and the other Nortl> 4.m cans were also remarkably 
attentive to EDWARD, and his papa and myself are exceedingly obliged 
to them. Let me call your attention to the elegant beard of the DUKE 
OF NEWCASTLE, grown by that nobleman in compliment to his charge, 
my Heir. 

MB. COBDEN has been settling the schedules of the French Treaty, 
and is I hope all the better for his trip to Algiers. 

I don't suppose my friend VICTOR EMMANUEL often opens a book, 
which makes it the more civil in him to have executed a copyright 
treaty with me. So my poets must not "annex" the libretti of Italian 



operas any more, but must invent nonsense for themselves, a task to 
which I am happy to think them quite adequate. 

GENTLEMEN or THE HOUSE OP COMMONS, 

The Estimates have been framed with what are you laughing 
at ? Well, MR. GLADSTONE says they have, and he and " my dear 
MR. CBAUFURD " must settle it between them. 

MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN, 

There will be laid before you measures for the consolidation of 
the Criminal Law, for improving the Law of Bankruptcy, for making 
it easier to sell your Land, and for making a system of uniform Rating, 

whatever that is, and also measures for Reform of (what is JOHN 

RUSSELL crying about f ) for Reform of several things requiring it. 

I am sure you will do Iwhat is right, and I leave matters in your 
hands with perfect confidence, I 'm sure. &c., &c. 



Now this was a speech which LORD DERBY might well have called 
Colloquial. Of course it would not do, and a steadier hand with a 
little more of the penny-a-lining faculty, had to put the above topics 
into decorous language, which was delivered by HER MAJESTY with 
her accustomed grace of diction. The only other point which marked 
the opening of the Session was, that the Crinolines of the Peeresses and 
their girls nearly broke the heart of the respected official who had to 
make room for six ladies where there was really space for only two, and 
to see the pretty occupants in possession smile in the kindest way at 
his prayers, but never attempt to stir, was delightful. Mr. Pvncfi, who 
has always defended Crinoline, asks with indignation why the House 
of Lords is not made larger ? But as it is coming down, having been 
built, it seems, of the wrong Dolomite, lie suggests that the new house 
be made of vulcanised India-rubber, so that it may be stretched out to 
decent proportions when ladies are expected, and allowed to collapse 
when wanted for ordinary purposes. He hopes that there is nothing 
in this repugnant to the Constitution, and indeed he thinks the pro- 
posal strictly in conformity with Magna Charta, which says that 
"justice shall be denied to nobody," and it is clearly denying justice 
to a lady when you do not give her room to do justice to her beautiful 
clothes. 

Both Houses, of course, held debates on the Address. A couple of 
Lords Lieutenant, LORD SEITON, formerly a grenadier, and LORD 
LISMORE, an O'Callaghan of Shanbally, moved and seconded. The 
ex-grenadier's maiden speech was neat enough, but the Shanbally party 
could not be heard. Then the LORD OF DERBY made a long, smart 
oration, in which he called the Speech " unexceptonable," and of 
course proceeded to pick it to pieces, terming it colloquial, as aforesaid, 
and otherwise faulty, praising it, however, for its want of "ambition," 
which meant its omission of mention of a Reform Bill. He was sorry 
that the QUEEN had not been asked to say something about the recent 
distresses, and of the charity they had evoked, and while compassion- 
ating such of the working class as could not save.money, rebuked those 
who, earning; more than clerks and others in a higher station, spent 
their wages in drink and idleness and had nothing for a rainy day. He 
wished to hear something about finance, but his chief demand was for 
an exposition of our real relations with NAPOLEON. Also he thought 
that FRANCIS THE SECOND had had hard measure dealt out to him. 
He was not opposed to Italian unity, if it could be effected, but he 
wished to hear Ministers on the subject. After some sarcasms directed 
at LORD JOHN RUSSELL for his despatches on the Italian question, 
and a fairer scoff at the murky mystification of the speech of the 
EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH, LORD DERBY was happy to announce 
that he did not mean to move any amendment to the Address in 
answer to the unexceptionable and colloquial Speech. LORD GRAN- 
VILLB in reply was equally happy to perceive from LORD DERBY'S 
vigour and humour that he had quite recovered from the gout, assured 
the other Earl that the Speech said everything that it ought to say, 
and no more, and by way of reply to the invitation to dilate on foreign 
politics, delivered a graceful eulogium on the late LORD ABERDEEN. 
The Peers, having had chaff enough, voted the Address, and departed 
exactly in comfortable time to get home to eight o'clock dinners. 

In the Commons the Address was moved and seconded by Deputy 
Lieutenants SIR THOMAS COLEBUOOKE and MK. CHARLES PAGET, 
hereby immortalised, sans phrase. Then MR. JAMES WHITE, of 
Brighton, thought it necessary to make a display of cackling patriotism. 
He complained that the QUEEN had not been made to scold the Lords 
for refusing, last year, to abolish the paper duty, he complained that 
the national expenditure was extravagant, and he complained that 
there was no mention of a Reform Bill. On the last point he moved 
an amendment to the address. Another shining light of the same 
order, MR. DIGBY SEYMOUR, seconded him, and next day had his 
pocket picked and his watch taken in Westminster Hall, which trial 
may we hope be blessed to him. MR. DISRAELI then had a good deal 
to say, approved the omission of Reform, but declared that the mind 
of the country was much " bewildered " in reference to the condition 



FEBRUARY 1C, 18C1.] 



PUXCII, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



C7 



of affairs and the policy of the Government, lie predicted that the 
KMi'KiioK (IK TIIK FHKXCH v.ould make an alliance witli Italy and 
come forth as the, Ilr.iil of the Latin Race. And he walked into'LoRD 
JOHN about his despatches, and accused him of misquoting ' 

. TS <,l Opposition do not agree about Italy, 
LORD DMBY seeing no objection to the Unity, and Mil. 1' 
seeing a very great object ion to it, in the shape of Louis J\ 

n of Armed Men. LOKD JOHN I.' 

mended AIu. DISK ,1:1.1 to net, rid of his own personal bewilderment by 
reading the papers on the, tuble, defended himself and his despair 
declaring tlmt his lirM. had not. been intended for publication, and as 

I 'hiii it was not a scheme of the Government's, but that 
the Italians must do as they liked. As for Reform, he did not believe 
that ho cuuM curry any but, a trilling measure until public opinion 
should deihiind n larger bill. The Country was finite |)r,ul on 
subject.. .M utterly denied this, mourned over the back- 

sliding of 1 1 .ml having: shown in a very lucid manner t hat 

u could by industry and resolution acquire the 

franchise, denounced those who declined to get up a disturbance in 
order to confer t ho vote on those who would not take the pains to 

And, by way of a novelty, the amendment was pressed to 
a division, 

And Ji i E and JOHKDT BRIGHT took what low folk call nix, 

i which was shared by Forty-Six, 

While : gg and Tories went together, hand-in-hand, 

And " ' N me for Ministers " out -shouted HENRY BRAND. 

So ended the first night of the Session of 1861. 

Wediufdaij. MR. SKYMOUR FITZGERALD made a smart speech on 
itching into LORD JOE?/ RUSSELL, and the latter 
made a in reply, ending with the expression of his 

nat we are not on the eve of dangers, a truly satis- 
factory assurance. 



Thursday. The Address was presented, and this was HER MAJESTY'S 
Reply : 

I think your Address is both loyal and dutiful, 
Its syntax correct, and its sentiments beautiful ; , 

And 1 'm sure you '11 all give the best con-si. de-ra-tion 
To the Bills you discuss for the good of the nation. 

In the Commons, MR. MII.NBR GIBSON said that, (i.jvernment had 
considered the frequency of Railway Accidents, and meant to let the 
Companies alone most severely. MH. (\\.-~ iposed some 

iiitriiiiions in the way the Old Lady in Threat tin with 

our money ; and SIR G. C. LEWIS introil ., which 

is not a Rating Bill at all, but a Bill for impr u which 

assessments are made and collect! .M, in writing the 

Speech, had not the slighest idea of what he was promi.v 
much more at home in his Speech, to-night, for r. ('< 
whether the House would not get through its business \>< 
ting sundry old forms ; ai.d sundry other Members made long speeches 
in very proper condemnation of lengthy orations. And the gage of 
i Church and i s flung down, SIB JOBS TRE- 

LAWNY introducing his Kill for the abolition of Church-Kates. Go it, 

Friday. The Miscellaneous Talk began wit h'some spirit, and a variety 
of subjects were brought up, but the only point Mr. Pvnch intends to 
mention was LORD JOHN RUSSELL'S statement, in reference to the 
Druse massacre*, that FUiJ> PASHA, having asked of the Christian 
Bishops in Syria, how many of the 8000 adult males in the district of 
the atrocities ought to be put to death in revenge for the slaughter, 
the Christian Bishops unanimously demanded the lives of 4,000 men, 
and it was as much as the Mahommedans could do to get the 
Christians to consent to be satisfied with the blood of 1,200 men, which 
was the lowest terms they would take. A Select Committee on the 
Poor Laws was granted a natural result of the exh bitions of blun- 
dering by Relieving Officers, and the like, during the recent distresses. 



A POST OBIT PROSECUTION. 

HE Morning Pott an- 
nounces that the ques- 
tion of the long mis- 
managed. Hospital of 
St. Cross, near Win- 
chester, is about to be 
brought before Parlia- 
ment, by petition, the 
Equity Courts having 
no jurisdiction in con- 
sequence of the foun- 
dation being an eccle- 
siastical benefice. Our 
matutinal contempo- 
rary subjoins a state- 
ment of the facts of 
the case, and the ob- 
jects of the peti- 
tioners ; one of those 
objects being :-r 

" To cancel tho Inmmsj 
grunted by LORD GUIL- 
roRD of the Hospital pro- 
perty, in despite of a& 
Act of Parliament to the 
contrary, and who wu 
never the legal master 
thereof, leaving It to the 
lewee* to proceed against 
his Lordship for his impo- 
sition on them, and to 
compel restitution of the 
immense stuns of monjy 
appropriated to his own 
uses,~which his Honour tho Master of the H"lls (k'<Tt.<.>l 'he was not, and is not, entitled to.'*' 

It is needless to say that the above example of grammar, reasonableness, justice, and 
benignity is a communication to the Editor of the Moruiitg Post, and not the composition 
of that gentleman. The purpose of the petition is stated to be " to cancel the leases granted 
by LORD GUILFORD of the Hospital property, in despite of an Act of Parliament to the 
contrary, and who was never the legal master thereof." "And who," may be supposed to 
mean and notwithstanding that he," the antecedent to the relative "who" being presumed 
to be the EARL or GUILFORD. Now, as the EARL OP GUILPORD died the other day, it is not 
easy to see how the lessees alluded to will, if their leases are cancelled by Parliament at the 
prayer of the petition above quoted, be able to sue that departed nobleman. It will be impos- 
sible for them to bring him to book, unless they bring him to a primer, and, by the inter- 
vention of a meoiuiu and help of a table, get him to rap out his answer to the charge of 
fraud by the alphabet. But even if they should succeed in inducing him to rap out, they 
will never manage to compel him t9 fork out. They will, therefore, have to grin and bear 
the loss of property which the petition seeks to have inflicted on them by the Legislature. 




Perhaps, however, that document was based on 
a belief that a ghost could be called to account, 
and prosecuted beyond the grave. Such an idea 
may be thought to bespeak something like the 
madness of malice. The EARL OP GUILPORD 
was a divine of the old school, and dealt with 
the loaves and fishes of St. Cross as such ; but 
the notion of prosecuting a dead man could only, 
one would think, be entertained by that Accuser 
who indicts defendants at the bar of the Court 
above. In that case, the Accuser of the defunct 
Master of St. Cross would also be the " Accuser 
of the Brethren." 



I HE WONDERFUL CABINET. Four tim 
a week, at least, so long as Parliament last* this 
Session, will the Wosoiairtn. CABINET be thrown open at 
the Westminster Palaoe, to the Public, who will have an 
opportunity of admiring the various articles of ' rirtue 
and bigotry" that it contains. 80 miscellaneous and 
comprehcuaiTe are these articles, that it Is quite impos- 
ible to enumerate one huodiedth part of them in the 
space of a short advertisement. To give one specimen, 
there Is the Bankruptcy BUI, that, consisting of not IMS 
than 500 different pieces, was sufficient of itself to fill the 
House last Seesion for more than eeTsral evenings, snd 
yet It forms only on* separate part of this Wonderful 
Cabinet, that may be said to contain more curiosities 
than BARHDI'S Museum even at New York. DIM notice 
will be jfiren of the night when this far-famed Bank- 
ruptcy Bill will be produced for the first time by sir R, 
BCTHEU, the principal drawer In the Cabinet. Hours of 
performance from 5 o'clock r.x., up to midnight, and 
frequently longer than that A morning performance 
every Wednesday at 2. Head Showman, LORD PAUHK- 
STOX. Children iu arms, not admitted. 



An Old Joke in a New Form. 

PAB (s has its Coiuaratoire i. Mviiqur and 
London its Covent Garden Optra and, inas- 
much as the latter can boast with pride of its 
PTNB and its MELLON, we see no reason why it 
shouldn't be called a Cojuertatory as well. 



WHJT IT RBALLT MUST COMB TO. 

IP BKNJAMW of Bucks gives the House 

many speeches like his dull ard dreary oration 

of last Tuesday, he will be bputd to apply for a 

Royal Licence to change his name from DIZZT 

1 to DOZT. 



68 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 16, 1861. 



''inn 




CONSIDERATE! 

YOUNG PCGGE (mysteriously). "Ahem! Captain it strikes me Merc's something on letwccn you and the fairhaircd parti/ with the coronet 1 
If o, between friends, you know. Eh ? As I had some thoughts, eh > don't you know ? " 

CAPTAIN (facetiously). " Oh I ah! I see very delicate of you quite takes a load off my mind,, 'sure you /" 



THOSE DOGS OF ITALIANS ! 

' No doubt all the people n Italy might bo called Italians, 

As hounds and greyhounds, mongrels, spaniels, curs, 

Shoughs, water-rugs, and demi-wolves, are 'cleped 

All by the name of dogs." LORD DERBY'S Sptech m the Address. 

THANKS, courteous RUPERT, for the gentle gird ; 

We thank thee, Peer, for teaching us the word. 

As dogs are dogs, wbate'er their build or breed, 

Italians are Italians, be their seed 

From Alp or Apennine, reared north or south, 

In Milan's moisture or Apulia's drouth. 

And why should Italy the image spurn. 

And from such parallel in anger turn ? 

If " every dog," we 're told, " will have his day," 

Sure Italy for her's may hope and pray. 

Then dogs have such true hearts, such faithful nature? 

Poets have ranked them o'er their fellow-creatures : 

And dogs are blest with scent, to smell out vermin, 

Shroud they in sackcloth, crouch they under ermiae ; 

And dogs are swift their quarry to pursue ; 

And dogs are sharp of teeth to rend it, too, 

And most in this, dogs' wit our own transcends 

The precious art of knowing foes from friends ; 

And DANTE doggedly through hell did jog; 

And MICHAEL ANGELO ',1 a grand old dog; 

From all "sly dogs," -who claims to bear the bell? 

The subtle, supple, smooth MACHIAVEL : 

COLUMBUS kept his dog-watch not iu vain ; 

And GALILEO'S tube dogged Dian's train. 

What was the sobriquet that came most handy, 

To great Verona's greatest Lord ? Can Grande 

Which means "Big Dog," and this was he whose power 

Found DANTE shelter in his exiled hour. 



Nay, turning to the present from the past, 

Upon what jollier dog was crown e'er cast, 

Than VICTOR, at Turin? Does land or sea know 

A sadder dog than wretched BOMBALINO ? 

Yet, ringed with fire at ever lessening distance, 

He offers still a dogged, dour resistance. 

Veuetia writhing Austria's hoof beneath, 

Aye shows and soon may use her caniue teeth. 

And soon the parallel may hold more far, 

Should Italy re-slip her dogs of war. 

Those dogs, who stoutly swam the Tyrrhene sea, 

With GARIBALDI grand old sea-dog he ! 

Who units braving hundreds sprang to shore, 

And swept- heroic pack Trinacria o'er. 

Let storm'd Palermo, let Melazzo say, 

When British bull-dogs showed more pluck than they ? 

Laughing to scorn e'en Scylla's rival bark, 

And dodging fierce Charybdis in the dark, 

To run, close-mouthed, their Royal Reynard down, 

Till he took earth in Gauta's walled town. 

Staunch, steady dogs, how quick you worked and quiet, 

Scarce, here and there, one young hound running riot, 

Till in Caserta's parks and paddocks tame 

Hunting once more showed out a Royal game. 

Yes, courteous RDPERT well the image holds 

Italy's dogs are up ! Wolves ware the folds ! 



Rechristening a Governor. 

CONSIDERING the line GOVERNOR PICKEXS has taken with regard to 
the Federal property in South Carolina, we should suggest the pro- 
priety of an addition to his name. Let him henceforth be known as 
GOVERNOR PICKENS AND STEALTH'S. 



w 




FEBRUARY 1C, 18C1.] 



I'll, OR THE LONDON CIlARlVARi. 



71 



OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 

"DEAR PUNCH, 

"HAVE you seen Timour the Tartar? or TIMUK the Tatar, M 
we have lately learned to caLl him. though it hardly sounds respectful 
to speak of the great Khan of Tartary merely as a Tatar Khan. If 
you have not, take my advice and a fourwheel cab, and go ; it won't do 
these windy nights to ride about in Hansoms. I spent a pleasant boor 
and a quarter at his court the other evening, after an agreeable prelude 
of Old Truaty. (By the way, what has come to Ma. ADDISON of latef 
I used to fancy him at one time only fit for " heavy fathers," and the 
like conventionalities. But every time I see him now, he shows me 
something new and fresh, and anything but stagy. His acting in this 
piece has a quiet truth about it which I the more commend, as the 
part is badly written and tempts to over-acting.) 

" Sportsmen when well mounted hope for a lone run, and if Timour 
fails to have one it is no fault of the mounting. The piece is as well put 
on the stage as an author can desire, and leaves nothing to be wished 
for in the way of decoration. If the ballet guards were trained to 
march a little more in time, the public would perhaps be more 
applausive of their movements. At, present when at drill they are a 
rather awkward squad, although their looks and legs are by nature not 
ungainly. But this is a slight blot, and in general the 'effects' Cannot 
well be more effective. The last scene is as pretty as any I have seen ; 
and, unlike the tedious 'Tranformation' businesses, has to me the 

treat advantage that it does not tire one's patience by a bit-by-bit 
evelopment. 

" You may fancy, from my mention of these scenic merits first.'that 
the authorship and acting are but secondary matters. This I know has 
been the fashion at some theatres of late, but I am glad to say has not 
now proved the case at the Olympic. I don't think Timour was knocked 
off in a couple of nights' work, with the assistance of strong tea, and 
may be something a whit stronger. I have heard of burlesques being 
rattled off in this way, a rough sketch being first made for the guidance 
of the scene-painters, and the ' words ' served out perhaps on toe morn- 
ing of performance. But 1 don't think Timour bears the stamp of this 
fast school, for it seems written with more care than can be given at 
such high-pressure. The plot is certainly not interesting, nor yet the 
most intelligible. But after all, who looks for skilful plot in a burlesque f 
One might as well expect the taste of port in a potato. There are lots 
of pleasant puns and pleasant parodies in Timour, but the writing 
is not so 'smart' as to become a painful matter to yon. That 
new kind of verbal torture whereby a string of senseless words are 
made to sound like one, is to my old-fashioned mind a most excruciating 
torment ; and I confess that I hate pieces which are stuffed so full of 
puns that one's ears are sure to ache with being stretched to catch them. 

"The acting is generally speaking good; but I must say that Miss 
KEELEY deserves a special word of praise for her distinct articu- 
lation. I never heard ner Mother's equal for making a joke tell, and I 
am glad to find the daughter echo that clear utterance. Her singing, 
too, is nice (though not always in tune), and there is a lively sprightli- 
ness about her which makes you fancy that her work is more a pleasure 
than a labour to her, and that she herself enjoys the fun as much as 
you do. I like to see good humour have fair vent upon the stage, pro- 
vided that it does not assume the form of ' gagging.' Gags I hold in 
horror and detestation, and I honestly confess 1 am surprised that 
Timour should have stooped to them. 1 can understand that actors 
who can't play without applause, and who know they have not clever- 
ness enough to win it fairly, should have recourse to claptrap as a 
means to get a clap, and should try to make buffoonery pass current 
for good acting ; but Timour is performed by one who is ranked as our 
best actor of burlesque, and who should feel ashamed to descend to 
gagging. Had Timour been a dull and heavily-written part, there might 
perhaps have been some shadow of excuse for him ; but this is not the 
case. In all other respects Timour is admirably played by MR. ROBSON. 

"I have been working hard in the dramatic way this week, and have 
looked in at both the Operas, besides my glance at the Olympic. 
BALI-E was the composer who catered in each case, and I had the 
opportunity of comparing with his most recent one of his earliest, pro- 
ductions. But that JSiii/ii'ii does not seem of such good promise for 
the barrel-organs, I should incline to rank it below the other work. 
There is, however, certainly great virtue in this 'but.' There is 
nothing in Bianca that I need fear will haunt me, like the 'dreaming 
that I dwelt,' in the ballady Bohemienne. By the bye, the last libretto 
is not a vast advance upon the poetry of BDNN. I could point out 
many a passage nearly equal in absurdity to the 'hollow hearts' that 
'wear a mask," in the old piece. 

" The Pantomimes at these great houses are worthy of small notice. 
Anomalous as it may sound, I must confess that I'AYNE is always sure 
to give me pleasure, and I have this year had much entertainment 
from Remorse. I rejoice to see the son treading pantomimically on his 
father's heels ; and if spirits be permitted, as some say, to walk the 
earth, I hope I never may be haunted by a less facetious demon. But, 
with these exceptions, the Pantomime in Bow Street was as dull as 



the' Police Court, and, spite of the new-fangled introduction of three 
clowns (all good), the so-called ' comic business ' was insufferably dreary. 
That in Tom Thumb was more bearable, because there was less of it ; but, 
alas ! there 's no hot poker there (can such things be thought vulgar ?) ; 
and oh ! what a good old-fashioned point methouzht was missed, when 
Clown, who rides a pair of wooden norses <i la Attltjfi, omitted to get 
Pantaloon to chalk his feet with butter. 

"This being the time for ending pantomimic business, next week I 
liopc and trust to see our ' Great Tragedian,' who I hear is drawing 
myriads to his ' masterly performances.' Meanwhile, with compliments 
to Judy, believe me, my dear Punch, 

Yours sincerely, 

"Ose WHO PATS." 



IMPERIAL ASSURANCE. 

Is politics to say it much I grieve 

The world, albeit in the face of facts' 
Inexorable logic, won't believe 

In totally disinterested acts. 
All I can say is, that Savoy and Nice 

Irrevocably are rejoined to France ; 
So now let Commerce calculate on peace, 

Take a new start, assured no war will chance. 

To aid a just cause, France may draw the sword. 

Quite without thought save afterthought of gain, 
Whereof events occasion may afford ; 

New provinces, for instance, to obtain. 
To vindicate her honour, if 'tis hurt, 

France too may fight, but not with farther aim, 
Except her will and pleasure to assert, 

And generous ideas to proclaim. 

With forty millions, France can threats despise, 

Armed to the teeth by sea as well as land, 
Yet she inspires mistrust, to my surprise. 

Suspicion, which I cannot understand ! 
Her army is invincible, all know, 

Invulnerable is her iron fleet. 
Then who to war with her will idly go, 

With the dead certainty of being beat ? 

Come, therefore, dropping Confidence, revive, 

Cheer up dull Business ; clear thy cloudy brow. 
Now languid Speculation, look alive. 

Take courage Capital, and fear no row. 
Secure in strength, France feels herself at ease, 

For none her enmity will dare provoke ; 
Europe must let her do what she may please : 

Then European concord won't be broke. 



A HOP AT THE HOLY SEE. 
ACCORDING to the Roman Correspondent of the Pott : 

' In Borne the last novelty was the English Bachelor*! Ball, which brilliant event 
took place last night In the club rooms, and was attended by the flower ot the 
British and Foreign Society here, as well u GENERAL DC Gorox, the Dim or 
OKAMOHT, and the principal part of the eerpt <ttpimuMetM.* 

Rome must be just the place for a Bachelors' Ball. It abounds in 
priests, who are all necessarily bachelors. The only defect that could 
vitiate such a ball would be the absence of the fair sex ; for the Roman 
Clergy are vowed to single blessedness, and few ladies will willing! 
dance with men whom they cannot possibly marry. But there woul 
be no want of petticoats at a bachelors' ball attended by numerous 
members of the Priesthood, if those reverend gentlemen appeared in 
full pontificals. The flower of society might be partly composed of 
members of monastic societies, some of whom might choose to t>e wall- 
flowers. W9uld not the Cardinals, as many as might be present, make 
a brilliant display of millinery and muslin f Surely all the girls who 
chanced to be in the ball-room would be charmed with their Eminences' 
pretty red round hats ! They would also admire the display of scarlet 
stockings, which might be rendered the more effective by the judicious 
employment of Crinoline. DB M ERODE might serve AJJTONBLLI as 
partne'r in a polka. The POPE himself, if he wears white satin shoes, 
might as well dance, and might lead off the Ball in a quadrille, such as 
would be sanctioned by ME. BURGEON, except that our popular 
Protestant preacher would probably wish all the gentlemen to appear in 
male costume, and none of them attired like females. Dancing might 
benefit, his Holiness, who is said to be too fat, by reducing his 
corpulence. 



72 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 16, 18G1. 




SCREAMING LATIN JOKE BY OUR ETON BOY. 



ECONOMY WITH ELEGANCE. 

" Ala. PUNCH, Husbands and fathers will, I 
am sure, be pleased to see the following an- 
nouncement, copied out of Le Follet ; 

" The material called droguet is in great request for 
home dress this winter, and it is now made in such rich 
and elegant designs, that it may rank next to velvet." 

"Bachelors afraid to marry will be greatly 
encouraged to do so by the above information. 
They will naturally suppose, most of them, that 
droguet is the fashionable word for drugget, 
which material, howsoever unaccustomed they 
may be to housekeeping, they will at least know 
to be commonly used for the saving of carpets. 
The idea that drugget is in great request for 
home dress will diminish the horror with which 
they contemplate the danger of incurring milli- 
ners' bills, inseparable from matrimony. They 
will perhaps cherish the fond hope that, since 
drugget is now in great request for home dress, 
it will soon become in equally great request for 
evening dress ; for that, being made in such rich 
and varied designs that it may rank next to vel- 
vet, it will, before long, be made equal to velvet, 
and be adopted by ladies as a substitute for that 
material, and other fabrics which are equally ex- 
pensive. I have a whole family of grown-up 
daughters, and their collective dresses amount 
to I am afraid to say how many hundred yards. 
I hope Le Follet will impress young men with 
an idea that, if they wed, their wives will be 
satisfied with being clad in drugget, and am, &c., 
"PATERFAMILIAS." 

"P.S. I wish my dinner was always dressed 
I as well as my family." 



AN AMERICAN CABINET MINISTER. 

(PAINTED BY HIMSELF.) 

ME. JOHN BBIGHT tells us to take United States institutions for our 
model. Does he extend the recommendation to United States Cabinet 
Ministers ? Ought LOUD HEHBEET OF LEA, for instance, to accept as 
his model ME. FLOYD, the late Secretary of War in ME. BUCHANAN'S 
administration F 

MB. FLOYD has seceded from that administration, and has given to 
his fellow-citizens in Virginia an account of his stewardship. His 
speech is a remarkable document, as showing us how far American 
statesmen have gone in improving upon our old-fashioned notions of 
truth, honour and patriotism. 

He began his discourse with an eulogium on that great and blessed 
thing Slavery : 

" God in his commandments wrote with his own fingers upon Mount Sinai, "Thou 
shall not covet thy neighbour's slave ; ' and if these fanatics will deal with this sub- 
ject in a religious aspect, I would have them remember that the first slave-catcher 
in the history of the world was an angel of God, sent by God to take a runaway 
slave a negro and bring him back to his master," 

The allusion we presume (in spite of the gender) is to the case of 
HAGAE, as recorded in the 16th Chapter of Genesis, though we cannot 
find anything there of the angel taking the runaway; nor were we 
aware till now, that HAGAR was a negress. 

The contemplation of the subject of slavery is almost too much for 
MR. FLOYD. Lifted into enthusiasm he continues : 

" Oh ! it is a hallowed institution, and it seems that in the Providence of God it 
came down through the new dispensation to be preserved and perpetuated in con- 
formity with the will of Divine Providence." 

But ME. FLOYD is at least consistent with himself. Having dis- 
covered that slavery is a "hallowed institution," it is not to be 
wondered at that he should have made the discovery that " treason " is 
synonymous with " duty." 

He is a modest man, however, and owns that he only rose to his con- 
ception of duty by degrees. When he found himself Secretary at War 
"by accident beyond either his merits, wishes, or aspirations," he 
laboured, he tells us, "to understand the power of the position and its 
responsibilities." 

" I soon found that it was full of significance, that it was an armed power for good, 
and armed with immense power for evil. Whilst your men were aspiring for the 
Presidency, and whilst I was the subject of vituperation and abuse which I never 
answered, I undertook so to dispose of the power in my hands that when the ter- 
ific hour came, you, and all of you, and each of you, should say this man has done 
iiis duty." 

And what was MR. FLOYD'S duty, according to his latest light on 
the subject ? Simply to transfer the arms and ammunition of the 



Federal Government to the forts and arsenals of the States he knew to 
be on the verge of secession in order that they might be armed for 
resistance to the Federal forces. 

ME. FLOYD asks pardon for "the egotism/' of his avowal. He saw 
what was at hand : 

" I saw a fissure in the iceberg coming. I knew there was no power between 
heaven and earth that could divert it. 1 understood as 1 understand this moment, 
that as it had split everything in its path, it was destined to split the administration 
of the United States. I stood firm." 

Even the PEESIDENT easy man as he is suspected what MR. 
FLOYD'S strong sense of duty was leading him to : 

" The PRESIDENT said to me and I thought I never saw him in my life look so 
much like what comes up to my idea of a PRESIDENT of the United States as he 
looked that evening he said, ' MR. FLOYD, are you going to send recruits to 
Charleston to strengthen the forts? What about sending reinforcements to Charles- 
ton ? ' 1 was taken very much by surprise to find the PRESIDENT making this inquiry, 
indicating, to my mind, a change of policy on his part. I said, 'MR. PRESIDENT, 
nothing about sending recruits to Charleston.' 'Don't you,' said he, 'intend to 
strengthen the furta at Charleston ? ' ' I do not intend to strengthen the forts at 
Charleston.' Says he, ' MR. FLOYD, I would rather be in the bottom of the Potomac 
to-morrow than that these forts should fall into the hands of those who intend to take 
them. It will destroy me. Sir.' And, said he, ' MR. FLOYD, if that thing occurs it 
will cover your name and it is an honourable name. Sir with an infamy that all 
time can never efface, because it is in vain that you will attempt to show that you 
have not some complicity ill handing over these forts to those who take them.' " 

It seems, therefore, that at this time the PRESIDENT'S notions of 
" duty " slightlv differed from ME. FLOYD'S. The act that MR. FLOYD 
is so proud of is one, according to MR. BUCHANAN, " that will cover 
his name with an infamy that all time can never efface." 

GENERAL CASS, too, took the same perverted view of " duty " as the 
PRESIDENT. He was for strengthening the Southern Forts. 

'^He said there must be force, and there shall be force." 
In the interval between his first and second interview with MR. 
FLOYD, however, the PRESIDENT seems to come round, rather, to the 
FLOYD view of " duty." 'He never looked so like a President" as 
when he told MR. FLOYD that " his conduct would cover his nanie with 
everlasting infamy ;" but after he had changed his mind on this point, 
it was fir- 

" With a beautiful countenance and with a heroic decision that I shall never 
forget [that he replied to GENERAL CASS] in the Council Chamber, ' I have considered 
this question. I am sorry to differ from the SECULTARY or STATE I have made up 
my mind. The interests of the country do not demand a reinforcement of the forces ill 
Charleston. I cannot do it I will not do it and I take the responsibility of it 
upon myself.' That is what he said, and the next day this glorious old PREMIER 
sent in his resignation. Then gentlemen, I clapped my hands again. I was sorry 
to part from him, God knows, because he had done what has seldom been done, he 
has inspired during four years a feeling of affection in my heart ; but when he left, 
I could not help cocking my eye and saying God speed you, old man, to the 
North.' " 

To .have inspired a [feeling of affection^ inj MR. FLOID'S heart for 



FEBRUARY 1C, 18C1.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



73 



four years, was, indeed, no common feat, and well deserved the compli- 
ment which it extorted from MR. FLOYD of a "cock of his eye," and a 
' God speed to the North." 

We have taken no liberties with MR. FLOYD'S noble revelation. We 
have ventured on no comment. Such virtue deserves, surely, if ever 
virtue did, to be " its own reward." 

And this is a Cabinet Minister of the United States! Let LORD 
PALMERSTON and LORD JOHN KUSSELL, the DOKE OF SOMERSET and 
LORD HERBERT look on this picture and blush for their own miserable 
inferiority. 

Let the benighted Britisher learn from MR. FLOYD what slavery a, 
and what duty is, and store up the lesson aeainst the time when JOHH 
BULL acknowledges JONATHAN as an example, exports and wollops his 
own nigger, repudiates his debts, bet rays his public trust, and after a 
toucli of pardonable egotism in proclaiming what he has done, lies down 
witli the proud consciousness that, whatever comes of it, " thank God, 
he has done his duty!" 



THE CLASSICS OF THE COUNTER. 

" MY DEAR MK. POUCH, " Chrysanthemum Cottage, Friday. 

" As CHARLES has always taken in your interesting paper, and 
we regularly read every single word of it, of course I saw your article 
the other day upon Shop-Slang, which I really thought mat capital, 
only 1 must confess there was a good deal in it that 1 didn't understand : 
but I 'in sure you would have liked to see how CHARLES enjoyed it, 
though I don't think that he need have laughed at me so much for not 
knowing what a ' slap-up kicksies builder' is, and for asking him to 
tell me the meaning of such words as 'trotter eate' and 'maicleys.' 
However, he has promised that 'some time or other, when he has 
nothing better to do ' (now, do you think SIR CRESSWELL would allow 
such phraseology, implying as it does that CHARLES actually thinks he 
can have something; better to do than attend to the behests of me, his 
lawful wedded wife? because if you do. I think that there's no use in 
the Divorce Court !) CHARLES, I say, has promised to instruct me in 
thieves' Latin, in which he says the words that puzzled me are written, 
and to help me to translate it into proper ladies' English. 

" But what I wanted to say was (and as I 'm a constant reader please 
to let me say it pub icly, for I do so long to see myself in print.) that 
there 's a most enormous deal of slang talked in the shops, besides 
what you have shown to be occasionally written there. I declare I 
never go into a dressmaker's or draper's without hearing an immense 
lot of low vulgar slangy phrases ; and as for hairdressers, I 'm sure it 's 
positively dreadful what bad language they use, inquiring as they do 
whether one would like to 'ave the pints just taken horf," and telling 
their assistants to ' go and eat them hirons." But this is merely mis- 
pronouncing, more than actual slang, and after all is not so odious and 
offensive in my ears as the 'any other harticle' of the obsequious 
shopman, and t lie thousand other vulgarisms which equally are current. 
One rarely hears the word ' thing ' nowadays in shops, unless indeed 
it have an adjective before it. A ' sweet thing in muslins, Mem,' is 
no uncommon phrase, but generally speaking the word used is always 
' harticle.' Then, as your Correspondent, MR. EASEL, justly noticed, 
nowadays a shop is never called a shop. The young men in it always 
term it their establishment.' 'Emporium' and 'mart' are also 
synonyms in vogue, but are not used in speaking so much as in 
advertisements. 

"_This fashion of declining to call a spade a spade, or to term a 
business by any briefer phrase than 'commercial undertaking,' has run 
riot in a number of ridiculous respects, whereof the slang words in 
shop-Latin are some of the most ludicrous. Do you think a shirt sells 
better because christened an ' Eureka," or are boots more bought if 
advertised as being 'Antigropelos?' I wonder how many men who 
purchase an ' aquascutum ' overcoat are tempted so to do because of 
the queer name of it, or have the least notion what that queer name 
really means. As for myself, of course a lady is not expected to know 
Latin, and I remember when CHARLES took me to see the Westminster 
Play, and I asked what made him laugh so, he shook his head and put 
his finger to his lips, and whispered something about ancient jokes not 
being meant, for ladies, and I heard him tell old TOMKINS what a good 
thing it was women didn't understand the classics. So of course 
whenever now I see a long hard Latin word, and CHARLES seems 
puzzled to translate it for me, I can't help fancying it means something 
dreadfully improper. There, the other day I showed him an advertise- 
ment 1 saw of an ' Idrotobolic ' hat which some rare genius had in- 
vented : and as he seemed to hesitate in saying that it, merely my, act. a 
nice light sort of hat that wouldn't give a headache, of courts I naturally 
suspected it meant nothing of the kind, and of course 1 shan't lest 
satisfied until I find out what it does mean. 

" Now, maybe words like these are well enougli for men (though 
I '11 bet a pair of gloves that not a quarter of yon scholars really under- 
stand them) ; but it really is too hnd that we poor women should be 
bothered with them, just as if we hadn't enougli other things to worry 
us, and I'm sure that what with bad cook, shirt-buttons, and baclielor 



acquaintances, who are always certain to drop in upon cold mutton 
days, the life of a young ' Hunts,' as one 's called, is full of trouble!-, 
and the married state is ninth more of a bed of thorns than rosei. 

" I have plenty more to say about the classics of the counter, for I 've 
no patience with the creatures, and haven't yet half dv*r with llicir 
ridiculous absurdities ; but CHARLES has just sent up to say the 
dioropha's at the door, and we are going to the Pantechnicon to look at 
some Kamplulicon, and after that he wants to get himself a new bit of 
ryftoi/hayon, because now the frost is over he has begun to shave again ; 
and then I mean to make him come and buy me a evptplon, for really my 
old mantle is too shabby to be seen in ; and if we 've time Mamma has 
asked me to procure some emmenathoon, as the last hair dye she tried 
only made her grey hairs green ones, and she also wants to know the 
price of a new saucepan which she recently saw advertised, with ti.e 
name, if I can spell it, of anheidrokepteterioti, uid CHAKLKS declares 
he means to ask whether so classic*! a cognomen is likely to impart a 
Grecian flavour to potatoes ! 

" So you really iuit excuse me from writing any more, but believe 

" Tour most coiutawt reader, 
"ARABELLA AHAMI.VTA ANGELINA SMITH." 

" P.S. I hear that printing is now done by an anattatic process. Has 
it ever been applied yet to the art of printing kitttsf" 



me, 



,'A FEW SIMl'Ll, KKASONS AGAINST SMOKING. 

(Principally addressed to 8iR BENJAMIN BKODIE, in answer to hi* Letter 
o that abominable practise.) 

BY THE MOTHER OF A LARGE FAMILY. AND THE WIDOW OF THBB 
III'MIANDS, WHO ALL SMOKED. 

1. BECAUSE it injures the curtains. 

2. Because it is injurious to the furniture generally. 

3. Because it is not agreeable to breakfast in the room when the 
gentlemen have been smoking overnight. 

4. Because no man's temper is the better for it the next morning. 

5. Because it keeps persons up to late hours, when every respectable 
person ought to be in bed. 

6. Because the smell haunts a man's clothes, and his beard, and bis 
hair, and his whiskers, and his whole body, for days afterwards so 
much so that it is positively uncomfortable sometimes to go near him. 

7. Because it is a selfish gratification that not only injures those 
who partake of it, but has the further effect of driving the ladies out 
of the room. 

8. Because it is, also, an expensive habit which the ladies, not par- 
ticipating in its so-called enjoyments, cannot possibly have the smallest 
sympathy with or appreciation for. 

9. Because it has the further effect of making gentlemen drink a 
great deal more than they otherwise would, and so weakens their purses 
besides ruining their constitutions, to say nothing of the many comforts 
and new dresses that their dear wives aud children may have been un- 
justly deprived of, supposing the same amount of money had only 
been judiciously laid out at home. 

10. Because it gives extra trouble to the servants who have to clean 
and to ventilate the room the next morning. 

11. Because how are one's daughters to get married, if the gentlemen 
are always locked up in a separate room paying court to their filthy pipes 
and cigars ? 

12 Because it unfits a young man, who is wedded to it, for the 
refining influences of temale society. 

13. Because it puts a stop to music, singing, flirting, and all rational 
emoyments. 

14. Because it is a custom originally imported from the savages. 

15. Because we see the nations that smoke the most are mostly the 
stupidest, heaviest, laziest, dreariest, dreamiest, most senseless, and 
worthless beings that encumber like so many weeds, only capable of 
emitting so much smoke the free of the earth. 

16. Because when a man says he is going out to smoke a cigar, 
there 's no knowing what mischief he is Dent upon, or the harm the 
monster may be likely to get into. 

17. Because it is not allowed in the Palace, or Windsor Castle, or 
in any respectable establishment. 

18. Because the majority of husbands only do it because they know 
it is offensive to their wives. 

And a thousand otter good reasoni, if one only had tkt patumm to 
enumerate them all. fray did ADA* smoke ? 



Punch's Essence of French Chambers. 

"DANCE, you dozs, to my fiddle-de-dee, 
And thank your stars for a 1'rince like me." 

Slightly altered from MR. PLAMCHE. 



74 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 16, 1861. 




IRISH HOUSEKEEPING. 

BACHELOR. " Mary, 1 should like that piece of Bacon I left at dinner yesterday." 
IKISH SERVANT. " Is it tJtc lit o' Ehacon thin ? Shun I took it to Imylit t/ieflwircs ! " 



PUNCH IN HIS GLORY. 

FROM the account of the State 
Procession in which HER MAJESTY 
went to open Parliament, the Court 
Newsman unaccountably omitted 
the following particular : 

" A carriage drawn by six piebald 
horses, containing Ma. PUNCH." 

The next time Mr. Punch goes 
to assist at the Opening of Parlia- 
ment he means to have tiis carriage 
drawn by a spotted team, of which 
he hopes the Court Newsman will 
take proper notice, and not treat 
his equipage in the Royal train as 
though it had been conspicuous 
by its absence. 



A New Source of Inspiration. 

KING THWAITES was explain- 
ing to an incurable gambler that 
there were two principal lines of 
sewers, the high-level sewer, 
and the low-level sewer, when 
our enthusiastic slave of the green 
baize violently exclaimed, " By 
Jove ! the Deuce is the Main ! " 



"PAIR is POUL.". 

A CABMAN'S Pare considering 
the abuse one generally gets (more 
especially if he is a Hansom Cab- 
man) when one pays him nothing 
more than the proper fare. 



A FLING AT A FOOLISH FASHION. 

-If ladies will wear hoops, they 

necessarily make themselves butts. 



PARLIAMENTAKY ENTERTAINMENTS. 

Is addition to the banquets of LORDS PALMERSTON and GRANVILLB, 
and of the leaders of the Opposition, on the Opening of the Session, 
several entertainments on a minor scale took place, which somehow 
have escaped being noticed by the press. We have therefore been 
requested to supply the following details, with which we have been 
furnished through a most authentic source : 

VISCOUNT WILLIAMS gave a grand tea and turn-out at his residence, 
to which the chief of his Constituents had the honour of receiving 
cards. The repast, we understand, was of a strictly frugal character ; 
as being in accordance with those economic principles of which the 
noble Viscount has long; been the acknowledged champion in the 
House. After the refection, the guests were entertained' with a long 
speech from their host, setting forth his views on a variety of matters, 
and stating that he would not shrink from upsetting the Government, 
and himself assuming office as Prime Minister, if LORD PALMEKSTON 
persisted in refusing to retrench. 

MK. BRIGHT gave a full dress banquet the same evening, to which 
the " ardent reformers " in the House were all invited. Covers were 
laid for some three hundred or more, but, through some mischance or 
other, the company who assembled did not exceed a dozen. 

MR. AYRTON had a dinner-party at his private residence, for the 
purpose of making a short speech on the occasion, that he might prove 
whether his tongue was in proper working order. MR. AYRTON said 
at starting that he feared so long a rest had made his powers of speech 
grow rusty, but as the "few remarks" he promised extended over 
nearly five hours and a half, the fears he entertained were shown to be 
quite groundless. 

MR. SPOONER had invited a select circle of friends to renew his 
yearly promise to make his usual fiery attack upon Maynooth, when 
the Grant for it should come before the notice of the House. But it 
unfortunately happened that the guests whom he invited were all 
"previously engaged," and so the worthy Member had to make his 
speech in the form of a soliloquy, aud to supply the " cheers " and 
" hear ! hears ! " of an audience himself. 

LORD JOHN RUSSELL entertained a large party at his residence with 
a description of how he meant to make away with his Reform baby, 
and how JOHN BRIGHT, he expected, would accuse him of the murder 



of it. His Lordship said, he hoped the country would acquit him of 
unnatural desertion, for it was mainly to oblige them he had played 
the part of Brutus, and sacrificed his child, because he clearly saw the 
country did not care for it. 

MR. LAYARD, as in duty bound, gave a splendid banquet to his friend 
Mr. Punch, in recognition of his services in returning MR. LAYARD to 
a seat in Parliament. 

We learn, too, that LORD COWLEY gave a full-dress entertainment 
at his residence in Paris, to celebrate the opening of the French and 
English Sessions. The hospitalities were on a more than usually grand 
scale, covers being laid for no less than three persons. 



A Strange Coincidence. 

'Tis HER MAJESTY'S Army and Navy ; 

'Tis HER MAJESTY'S Kingdom; and yet 
Of this we may all " take a davy " 

'Tis the People's or "National Debt ! " 



A CONUNDRUM BETWEEN THE ACTS. 

WHAT is the difference between a popular Melodrama at the Adelphi 
and LORD CLYDE ? The one is Colleen Sawn, and the other COLIN 
Christened. 

The Volunteer Movement. 

WE are requested to state, that there is not the smallest foundation 
f9r the rumour which has been circulated lately, even in the highest 
circles, that LORD JOHN has accepted the Lieutenant-Colonelcy of 
the Six Foot Rifles. 

THINGS THAT SADLY WANT THE "JUDICIOUS USE 9? THE TRUNING- 
KNIFE." Our financial expenditure, standing armies, parliamentary 
speeches, and ladies' dresses. 



A QUESTION THAT HAS NEVER BEEN ANSWERED YET." Where 's 
the Police ? " 



Priuwd by William Branbury. of No. 13 Upner Wftburn Place, and F'Mcrick Mullet! Eans, of !9o. 19, Queen'* Roa-1 Wfat. Regent's Park, both In the Pnrih of S'. Pncnn, in the County of Middlesex. 
FT;nters. at their Office in Lombard* Street, in the 1'reciact of Whitefriars, in the Cityjof Londjn, and Published by them at No. 35, Fleet. Street, in the 1'arisa vf St. bride, la the L.ty OJ 
LoO'ion.-San-RDAT, February 16, 1851. 



FEBRUARY 23, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




YANKEE SUBTLETY. 

YOUXQ MERCHANT. " What do I do ! Why, I attend to the Finesse Departments- 
do all the /' 

FRIEND. " 'kunder's that? " 

Yoi'Ni; MERCHANT. " ll'/iv. who* aim /'<//,/ "- . the Concern Honey and itxm't 
Pay, I (jo and make him, ur Knock his Darned Old Head off hit Shoulders 1 " 



THE CAMBRIDGE PRIZE POEM. 

LAST Friday was the Anniversary of the birth of GEORGE WASHINGTON, founder 
of the Union which the New York Herald declares to exist no longer. PRINCE 
ALBKRT, as Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, has given, as subject for 
the Prize Poem, The Prince of Wales at the Tomb of Washington, the incident 
of the oth October last. Punch does not know whether his young friend, H. R. 11. 
EDWARD, who has just gone to Cambridge, means himself to compete for the prize, 
though, as he is likely to know what his emotions upon that occasion were better 
than anybody else, there seems no reason against his trying his hand. Meantime, 
the selection of such a subject has given great satisfaction to the Americans, and 
the Herald says, 



his Royal Highness, and it must be extremely gratifying to ourselves to know that the youth and 
intellect ol our mother country are making it a labour of love to honour and emblazon it in song. 
And it is to bo hoped that under the allspices > ',-,' something will bo produced 

worthy of a theme so richly teeming with the poetry of tradition and the gems of history, and 
allowing such limitless scope for the glowing pictures of poetical gcuius." 

It is to be hoped so. We shall see. Mr. Punch has no child at Cambridge, 
at present, or the prize would be already on view in the window of 85, Fleet 
Street, for no one would be foolish enough to contend against a son of the House 
of Punch. The utmost fair play will, therefore, be given. 

But Mr. Punch hardly knows whether to rejoice or to be sad that the Poet 
CUPPER (author of PnceMal Imbecility, &c.), although disqualified from entering 
the race with younger bards, has stepped forth to show them how the thing ought 
to be done. It is matter for joy that such a Poem as CUPPER'S should be given 
to the world ; but on the other hand, its extreme beauty and all but perfection 
must tend to discourage all other competitors. However, here is an " early copy," 
and perhaps the young Cantabs had better make themselves thoroughly masters of 



it, before attempting their own verses. They will at 
least know what they must avoid. 

VOLUNTEER PRIZE POEM, 

PRINCE EDWARD OF WALES AT THE TOMB 
OF WASHINGTON. 

Auspicious moment. Banish every gloom. 
No Tears to-day, although I sing a Tomb ; 
A Tomb on which the honour was conferred 
Of homage from a child of GEOUGE THE TUIBD, 
I call him child, although he's no such tiling, 
And the great grandson of the Farmer King. 

A happy omen for VICTORIA'S son, 
W begins both WALES aud WASHINGTON, 
And similar may both their courses be, 
Lovers of all that ' grand and great and free, 
Yet here I would not be misunderstood, 
Good are republics, monarchy is good, 
And truly sorry I should be to plan 
Schemes for my Prince to turn republican : 
Ungrateful, surely, were Mich thought in me 
Whose works amuse the Royal Family, 
And in their gilded bindings often lie 
Where they may catch the QUEEN'S or CONSORT'S eye. 
I only mean this golden hope to forge : 
May EDWARD be as good a man as GEORGE ! 

Mount Vernon is the place to which they brought 
The Prince to show the honour which he ought. 
'Twas in October that it met his view, 
And that's the month in which I always brew, 
Not that I'd willingly intrude my ales 
Into a poem on the PRINCE OP WALES, 
But playful thoughts gush from the poet's tongue 
Like those same liquids when you lift the bung, 
Drinking and thinking thus suggest the line 
That bier is Washington's and this is mine. 

What Vernon is, or why it 's called a Mount, 
I know not, and the fact 's of small account : 
The name is dear to us, (Columbia's kith) 
Who idolise the name of VERNON SMITH ; 
Then we 've the Vernon Gallery ; for my part 
I love that choice collection of fine art, 
And often wish that it were nearer town 
(My Royal Prince and Consort, never frown, 
I know it 's only thrippence by the bus, 
And did not mean the least disloyal fuss) 
I love to sit and rest each weary leg, 
And gaze on STANFIELD, ROBERTS, CRZSWICK, 00, 
Or stand enchanted iu the Vernnn room, 
As stood the Prince before the Vernon Tomb. 

Upon that scene how oft must he look back, 
As rapt he stood beside the Potomac, 
And heard arising o'er that river's surge, 
The music of the Trovatore dirge, 
Played on the steamer, which as it appeared 
From the reports, his Royal hand had steered, 
Type of the time, O ! may the time be late ! 
When he shall steer the vessel of the State. 
Nobly he spoke, as well beseemed his birth, 
Then picked horse-chesnuts from the hallowed earth, 
Intending, as he frankly told the folks, 
To sow them here, among fair Windsor's oaks. 
And let us hope that getting back on hoard 
In sport he shied them at no Duke or Lord, 
But that the trees will spring where, every hour, 
He "11 see them from the Lancasterian Tower. 

Here, Muse, break off, and loyal Ardour check. 
Nor sing the dancing on the vessel's deck, 
How Alexandria met him with a smile 
(Not Alexandria, reader, near the Nile), 
How Washington (the place) with salvoes rang, 
Bid fly her bunting and her cannon bang, 
And tens of thousands sent up plaudits wild 
In honour of VICTORIA'S princely child. 
My strain is o'er, but oh, if I might dare, 
Mid themes like these to thrust a private prayer, 
' 1' would be that when my Prince next voyages, he 
Will take, as Travelling Liureat, 

M. r . C. 



VOL. XL. 



76 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 23, 1861. 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

JSBRUARY 11, 1861, Mon- 
day. LORD CAMPBELL 
introduced a Bill, 
which, if it really 
answers its professed 
purpose, may be called 
a Patent Double-screw 
Press. It is to con- 
solidate the Statutes 
by the repeal of all the 
obsolete laws. At. pre- 
sent there are Forty 
Volumes of Laws. 
The expurgated edition 
will consist of Ten. 
VV ? e presume that as 
compressed soup ex- 
pands from a square 
like a piece of soap 
into a tureen full of nu- 
trimeiit, the squeezed 
laws will grow large 
enough when lawyers 
want to be fed, and 
the victim gets into hot 
water with the law. 
LORD NORMAXBY took 

the first opportunity S of making a goose of himself, pretending to misunderstand a 
petition against Spanish persecution of Protestants. 

The HOME SECRETARY does not mean to Reform the City Corporation this 
I year, but does mean to try to do something with the Coal duties. The cry for 
tiiis Session is therefore, " Emancipate the Scuttle." 

SIR CHARLES WOOD made a lucid Speech about Indian finance. He wanted a 
loan for India, that is it was not a loan, but he wanted money for India, not exactly 
for India, but a cash transaction had to be gone through, and it had nothing to do 
with the expenditure of India, but it was to make good an excess in the expenditure 
upon India, and this was a very trifling difference, though it was by no means 
an unimportant matter. He should be much ashamed if he did not tell the exact 
truth, and if the expenditure had not been much larger than it had been expected 
to be a considerable sum less than had been calculated would have been laid out, 
but then this could not be called Indian expenditure, because the money he 
expected to receive from India would be absorbed, and it was clear that if there 
was a deficiency in receipts less money would come into the treasury. For these 
reasons, and several others equally intelligible, he demanded 3,000,000, and got it. 
SIR RICHARD BETHBLL then introduced the Reform Bill for Ib61, the Bill for 
amending the law of Bankruptcy and Insolvency. As no person who humbly and 
sincerely studies his Punch, and acts up to his precepts, can ever be in the least 
danger of bankruptcy or insolvency, or can be anything but prosperous, intelligent, 
witty, and happy, there is no primd facie reason for stating the character of this 
Bill to those who can have no interest in it. But it is due to Mr. Punch's friend 
SIK RICHARD, who has laboured in this cause like a legal Hercules, to mention 
that the new Bill is a most valuable one, that its merit will be understood by the 
commercial world at once, and that the uncommercial world may comprehend it 
on being apprised that at present the lawyers and the system steal always about a 
third aud sometimes half of the property which oupht to be divided among the 
creditors of an unfortunate person. The Insolvent Debtors' Court is proposed to 
be done away, and there is to be no legal distinction between traders and non- 
traders, so that the same principle will be applied to MOULDY STILTON, the little 
i.onfter m the Borough, and the Honourable CAPTAIN ALGERNON MONT- 
DE YousGEBSONlNViLLE, when either of those 
The details of the bill are admirable, 

\A~l,:~~ n*~_: i TJ_J:_.K m 



have known many a Catholic husband cured of supersti- 
tion by his pretty wife's laughingly presenting him a bottle 
of Macassar, and, with a kiss, telling him it was for extreme 
unction, while, many a young Catholic lady has learned to 
laugh at Confession from her husband's insisting on con- 
fessing to her, every day, something that she was very 
much pleased to hear. The more of such marriages the 
better. 

Tuesday. The Lords read a Bill for preventing the for- 
gery of trade-marks. This operation is on of the little 
tricks which Commerce does not disdain, hut to which com- 
mercial men, who find their good names affixed to bad ware, 
object very strongly. THEODORE BONGAULTIER has told 
us how the Augur was emboldened to tell KING TARQUIN 
to cut through the hone with his razor. 

" So the Augur sacked the tin of Tarquin, 

Who suspected some celestial aid, 
But he wronged the blameless Gods, for, hearken, 
Ere the wily parson's bet was laid 
That priest's keen e\ e 
Did there espy 
The name of TUBTON graven on the blade." 

But suppose the blade had been a bad one, on which the 
name of the celebrated Sheffield house had been fraudu- 
lently stamped by a rogue. What would have become of 
the Augur then ? The House of Lords, in which there are 
both Augurs and Bores, probably thought of this, and re- 
ceived tlie Bill hospitably. LOBD LEITKIM made a coin- 
plaint on behalf of 2079 Protestants of Leitrim against the 
i'avours shown to llibbonmen in that district, and LORD 
GRANVILLE laughed at him perhaps the best aud certainly 
the easiest way of dealing with Irish complaints. 

LORD JOHN RUSSELL answered questions on some 
American matters, and explained that Mexico was in a 
mess, that the San Juan aiftur was in statu quo, aud that 
ANDERSON, the escaped negro, would not be given up to 
the slave-owners without orders from England. These 
LORD PALMEKSTON had previously intimated were not 
likely to be sent. Question was raised touching the refusal 
of a Judge to take the evidence of a foolish woman who 
came into a court of justice ami denied her belief in a 
Deity and a Future. SIR JOHN TKELAWNY, the anti- 
Church-Rate leader, seemed to think that the woman had 
been ill-treated, but SIR GEORGE LEWIS thought the 
reverse. Mr. Punch dislikes the whole oath system, and 
would restrict it to cases where life, death, or woman's 
character is at stake ; but if it is to be put in action about 
trumpery matters, as in this instance, where spiteful rela- 
tions were squabbling about a pianoforte, it is difficult to 
say that the Judge was wroug. Sweep away all unne- 
cessary oaths, and annex the punishment of perjury to a 
lie spoken in Court. 

MK. COLLIEB produced a little Reform Bill, for pro- 
hibiting the payment, of the expenses of conveying voters 
to the poll in boroughs. SIK G. LEWIS let him bring it in, 
but made no promise not to squelch it, later. MB. WHITE, 
late of Plymouth, who is so fond of making noises in the 
House that his incessant "hear, hear," is called Plymouth 
Sound, moved for some ridiculous returns, which would 
cost no end of money for printing what is in a dozen books 
already. SIB G. LEWIS would not have this sort of thing 
at, any price, and WHITE, being stubborn, was floored by 



respectable individuals outruus the constable. 

and SIR RICHARD received plaudits from Whi^s, Tories, aruf Radicals. '"MB! i 112 to 59. This, Mr. Punch presumes, is the first specimen 
i.owix JAMU mentioned that there were bad creditors as well at bad debtors, and I of the way "my dear MB,. CRAOTCIU>" aud his friends pro- 
tlaii lie had been concerned in a case where a gentleman was sued for 25 000 and I pose to reduce the national expenditure. MR. HUBBAHD 
the only recollection he had of the debt was, that he had "once borrowed 500, of brought in a Church-Rate Bill, for exempting any person 
some Jew money-lender." Mi;. TUBXKR likened the lawyers to cats, and com- i from the rate who would declare himself a Dissenter, but 

niercial folks to mice, and MH. ROEBUCK pleasingly reminded him that mice were "" "- ' A '-' '-- A >' "' 

vernini. If any portion of the new Bill gives the cats too much power, we hope 
BIB RICHARD will cut the clause. Altogether, this was a satisfactory night's 
work. Later in the week the Bill was read a second time, that it might go at 
once into committee, and upon this occasion several Members raised objections to 
it, which were met by the information, accorded by the author, that the objectors 
really did not understand the measure they were assailing. 

MR. CARD WELL introduced a Bill for a Registration of Births, Marriages, 
and Deaths, in Ireland, and this was objected to by MR. SCULLY, who said that 
it was contrary to the law for Catholic priests to ma'rry a Catholic to a Protestant, 
unless the marriage had previously been solemnised according to Protestant rites, 
that the priests were always breaking this law, and would, he hoped, continue to 
do M>, aud therefore could not be expected to register tlie fact that they were 
criminals. The calm impudence of this plea amused the House. But Mr.' Punch. 
would like to see the removal of any obstacle in the way of such mixed marriages 

as the benefit conferred on a Catholic by being united to a Protestant is almost , , . ., ,,, . u<v . u& -- - , . 

incalculable missionaryism never takes a prettier form than in matrimony, aud we i amounting iu number to more than those who followed 



MR. HADKIELD abused him for demanding such a 
cession." MK. DARBY GRirmn said, that the Bill was 
opposed by sectarian fanaticism on one side and toady 
bigotry on the other, which was neat if not polite. 

Wednesday. Only five-and-twenty minutes of Parliament 
the only minute Mr. Punch need" make. 

'Ihui-sday. 

Both Houses gave thanks to the Forces, 

In the. pay of VICTORIA REGINA, 
(Sir. Punch the thanksgiving endorses) 

For their gallant behaviour in China. 

The speeches were very good, of course, and perhaps 
MR. DISRAELI put the matter as shortly and strongly 
as it cau be put, in saying that "a handful of men, not 



FKBRDARY 23, 1861.] 



PUNCH, Oil Till] LONDOX fHARTVAIU. 



77 



XENOPHON, had waged a successful war in the remotest part of the 
globe, and dictated terms of peace in the ancient capital of a nation 
who number more than one-third of the whole population of the 
world." VISCOUNT Wn.i.mis applauded, but wished to know who 
XENOPHON was, on which Mn. WHITE very properly reproved his 



THE VENGEANCE OF MUSIC. 






feaVi 

*IS. ti:lc-page 
istocrat, after all 



*Uriiijr, " I 'in blessed if he 
n? at Mil. \ iLi i \MS s resi- 
tkii da; to was as tranquil 

* ho knows what may 
:i.i i \\is as in a NAPOLEOH. 

window some morning 
Music 



Finally, MR. SCULLY explained that he had made, on the previous 
night, a statement about I lie bummer Palace, and, having, afterwards, 
(Irish fashion) looked up the facts of the case, he found he was wrong. 
This was a noble amende, and it ought to be recorded. In fact, we 
think MR. SCTLLY ought to have a banquet, given him in the St. 
Janies's Hall, or some such place, in honour of a public man *s not 
being ashamed to own to a mistake. If the tickets are not too dear, 
Mr. Punch (who never has a mistake to own to) will take a couple, and 
bring P\M. 



Singular Instance of Misdirection on the Fart of a 
Learned Judge. 

IT was quite accidentally that BAHON BRAMWT.LL, writing to a 
friend who was staying at the Sabloniere, Leicester Square, used, 
instead of the addendum, West Central, the following "(B.C.) let on 
parle 



I.B should be careful. We have just been reminded in print 
I'.KEiiiovrx, a composer of music, flew into such a rageon bearing 

ignorance, and told him that \EKopnoswas an eminent Roman warrior tli . HLKOX had declared himself ExPBBOB, 'hat the 

who retreated ten thousand tunes. This Xenophonetic news was satis- ' Enraged Musician proceeded to the awful extremity of tearing oft' n 

factory to the Viscount. The MARQUIS 01 HATH made a much more leaf on which he had dedicated soaie.Mmphony or o'hertn 

ridiculous speech, objecting to the lesson which had been read to China' and sputtering something in German to the effect 'h;it "He was as 

by the light, of the (limes of the Summer Palace, and MR. Scri.i.v ti- ne rest of 'em." This fearful act js known to have drii 

the same line, which record may suffice to indicate the nature of the new EMPEROR into a dreadful state of mind, and all bis sub 

cnts' addresses, anil their fatuity. nendous efforts, and his final sub; . the armies of Europe 

SoLiciTOR-GlKEBAIi brought in Seven Bills for Consolidatr ]>oaed to have been the result of his desire to recc'. 

ViKil Law. ttey were respectfully received by the House, ;ui yed by the Enraged ' 

Mil. M'M.Aiio.v regretted that similar measures were not offered to similar act which has just occurred in 

Ireland and Scotland. And as Mr. Punch likes to make things pleasant SHAW, second fiddle at the Euterpeon Music Saloon, had inscribed his 

when he can, he invites the attention of his Scottish friends to this last polka (v. -ne Clowii, in Crinolim-, inthe gr 

able Iri- < nt, that "the criminal law of Scotland Pantomime at the above establishment ) to MK. \V i .[.mis, 

is as barbarous as that, of Italy- Scotland has no Habeas Corpus, and M P. But learning from the pages of 1'vnrh that MR. WILLIAMS was 

a Scotsman may be. hung by the odd man in a jury of fifteen." Eh, : -'- : 

sirs, but that's just, awfu'. 
The last, idea of the two Evil Boroughs of Sudbury and Saint Alban, 

that they had only been in purgatory all this time, was ex'inguished by dence, we learn that up to five o' 

SIR GEOBOE LEWIS. He proposed to assign to new constituencies the ; and unambitious as could l> 

Four Members of whom the House has been deprived, siuce IS 1 1 and ! happen? The wound may rankle 
tie disfranchisement of those corrupt, places. He offers one j What if the, Viscount should open 

seat to Hiding of Yorkshire, one to Soutli Lancashire, one to ] while brushing his teeth, aud proclaip :blic? 

Birkenhrad, and one to a new district, to be composed of ' 1 make its professors milder and more mo : 

parishes of Chelsea and Kensington. Of eon 1 ribution could 

please everybody, and MIL AYRTON was espec e, calling 

LORD JOHN RUSSELL a Hidiculous Mouse, and , \e G"vern- 

ment of being humbugs. PAI.VKHSTON said that he was not fright. 

and supposed that AYKTON (of the Tower Hamlets) had flown into a 

rage because the House had audibly protested against receiving any 

more of the articles called Metropolitan Members. ' tve a 

Inure scolding to the pretended Reformers who had done everything to 

hinder the Reform Bill of lust, year, and now assailed Government for 

not introducing another. The Four Seats will probably be allotted as 

proposed, after a few performances of Le Diable aQuatre. 

Friday. LORD NoBXAXBI took the second opportunity of making a 
goose of himself, about Italian affairs. LORD ST. LEONARD'S then 
made a variety of objections to the new plan for sweeping away the 
mass of dens and dinginesses between the Strand and Carey Street, 
and putting all the Law Courts there. It may be an open question 
whether the taking away a den of thieves and substituting a colony of 
lawyers is a change of so much magnitude as to be called a boon to the 
Metropolis ; but inasmuch as clean streets and fresh air will come in 
the place of dirty alleys and miasma, LORD ST. LEONARD'S should not 
oppose the reform. CAMPBELL and CKANWOKTH both assured him 
that he was wrong. MR. COWER has a Bill in preparation for making 
the proposed sweep. 

Something was said about the Convict riots at. Chatham, but Sra 
GEORGE LEWIS did not seem to know much more about, it than we 
had read in the papers ; namely, that, a large number of scoundrels had 
been very outrageous, and had been soundly flogged. If it be true, as 
stated, that these fellows are better fed than the soldiers who were 
called in to put, them down, the riot has done good by bringing that 
disgraceful fact, before the public. 

The Elected of the Millions has lately been annexing a little sove- 
reignty called Monaco emphasis, Wiscount, on the first syllable and 
Liiui) JOHN Krssn.i, explained that the said Elected, having removed 
any possible Sardinian objection to the arrangement, by taking Nice 
and Savoy, had clearly and logically a right to take Monaco, if he liked 
and he did like. Tiie next time. LOBD JOHN is coming out of Covent 
Garden Theatre, and a pickpocket happens to annex his opera-glass, 
we are sure the Foreign Minister will politely hand to the prig the 
lorgnet/e-fSise, as that should follow the glass, and can be of no use to 
the owner without it. 




THE OLD AND NEW WORLD CHANGING PLACES. 

THE United States are fast becoming Disunited, and Italy, that for 
centuries has been disunited, is rapidly growing United. Let us hope 
that Italy, not following the mad example of America, will, when she 
is One, never think again of falling to. Columbia will soon have to 
hand over to Italia her mptto of " Ptnrit>ux #**," for if the Union 
is cracking in all directions, it is clear that it must soon abandon 
all pretensions to being one united country. It had better write on 
its Hags (we suppose there will be a white and a black flag nowf) 
, et Imptra." They must be careful, however, not to make of 
r " Imperance," though we are well aware that that is about 
the last thing that a Yankee, when he is bragging about his country, 
ever thinks of displaying. 

The Genius of Religion. 

GENirs (says MADAME DE STAV:!,") has no ; 

MR I>K POLICHINELLE) would be all the 
better if, like Genius, it. had no ffcft. 



78 



PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 23, 1861. 




Frederick (who, we are sorry to say, is rather fond of chaffing his Brothcr-in-Laio.) "On ! LOOK HERE, ROBERT, WILL YOU HAVE THIS WITH 

YOU IN THE CARRIAGE, OR SHALL I PUT IT INTO THE VAN?" 



A BEGG-AR'S PETITION. 

WE are glad to hear that Glasgow has some thoughts of backsliding 
in its Sabbatarian progress, and is preparing a Police Bill by which 
some necessaries of life, which have been hitherto prohibited, in future 
will be suffered to be sold upon a Sunday. Ready-made provisions, 
bread, and milk, and medicine ; these are the sole articles to whicli the 
suffrance is extended, and it will be provided that the sale of them be 
stopped between the hours of 10A.M. and 5 in the afternoon. 

This is, after all, no such wonderful concession. But trifling as it 
may be, great objections have been made to it. A leading Free Kirk 
Doctor, whose name is DR. BEGG, has given notice of a motion in the 
Edinburgh Presbytery for a petition against, the Sunday sale of food 
and physic, which is sought to be obtained. A Scotch contemporary 
reports of him that 



learn tnai tue BaDDatti Alliance m Edinburgh were taking action on the subject 
and had appointed a secretary, and he hoped something would be done to nil 
attention to the matter." 

Certainly, DR. BEGG. Since, you beg us so to do, we willingly will 
call attention to the matter. VVe may not do so in a manner tlmt you 
would yourself approve, for it is not our custom to write like eantin" 
hypocrites, and to 

" Compound for sins wo feel inclined to, 
By damning those we have no mind to." 

But such as it is, you are quite welcome to our notice of the subject. 

By the bye, Doctor, were not you the pious party who not long since 
inveighed against the heinous " Sin of walking on the Sabbath," and 
petitioned that the crime might be put down by the police ? If so, we 
can conceive, without much stretch of fancy, that you should look 
upon milk-selling on the Sunday as a sin. A mind that thinks it sinful 
to go and take a walk, of course must see offence in the business of a 
milk-walk. Nor, if buying needful food upon a Sunday be an "evil," 
can there be much less ill in buying necessary physic. Better lose 
your health than your chances of salvation. Better suffer in the flesh 



than run the slightest risk of torment in the spirit. Better have sick 
bodies than have sickness in our souls. Yes, assuredly, dear Doctor ; 
we quite agree to that. But before you hope to make us converts to 
your faith, you must thoroughly convince us that buying food and 
physic upon Sundays is forbidden us, in the pages of that Book wherein 
our duties are described. 

If we are not mistaken, there are many men in Scotland of DR. 
BEGG'S persuasion, who call Sunday " the Sabbath," and think sinful 
all out-door employment on that day. Now, why, instead of troubling 
the police with their petitions, could they not themselves in person 
start an anti-food-and-physic-purchasing crusade, and do what they 
think needful to prohibit Sunday trading. Whatever be the case with 
other purchaseable condiments, the sale of milk would specially be easy 
to be checked. Were DR. BEGG and some few score of his ascetic 
brethren to patrol the streets of Glasgow in gangs upon a Sunday, we 
feel chemically certain, that without police assistance, the mere sight of 
their sour faces would suffice to spoil the milk. 



SLAVERY AND MORMONISM. 

" THE Patriarchs of old had slaves," 
The Planter cries, " Tis written. 

Fact being so my conscience saves, 
Which therefore can't be smitten." 

" The Patriarchs," says BRIGHAM YOUSG, 
" Wi ves besides one had other. 

>My withers likewise are unwrung 
Come to my arms, my brother ! " 



A Daily Interview at the Paris Embassy. 

Chef ' de Cuisine. Milord, what is the carte for the dinner of to-day ? 
Have you any preference ? 

His Liberal Lordship. Ma foi, the same as before carte blanche. 
Vous savez bien, je ne vous donne invariablement rien que fa. 



C/2 



C/l 

O 



o 



o 
> 



o 

C/2 

H 




FEWIUARY ^3, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAUIVARI. 



81 



TWO ENTRANCES AND TWO EXITS. 



THE ENTRANCES. 

TULRE were two Kings, where of Italy's boot, 

The foot the leg is tacked to, 
The one he was a dejure King, 

The otliei it King tie facto. 
Without taking couul. of KUCG VICIOK, 

That, blade so cool aud keen, oh 
GABIBALDI was this de facto King, 

The dejure was BOMBA.LIKO. 

KING GARIBALDI to never a crowu 

Ur royal robe was born, 
lie marched to his throue in an old red shirt, 

And a pair of trousers torn. 
No priest at his coronation stood, 

'Twixt him and the Power above, 
His sceptre was a sharp steel sword, 

And his chrism was the people's love. 
lu a pair of rickety steamers he faced 

A fleet that scoured the sea, 
And lauded with one thousand men, 

'Gainst thousands thirty-three. 

KINO BOMJBAUNO was palace-born. 

And swaddled in purple and gold ; 
There were bishops to bless him, princesses to dress him, 

Aud a queen his papspoou to hold : 
And when KING BOMBA. the Pious, 

\\ as numbered with the dead, 
And BOM BALING by right divine, 

Reigned in his father's stead, 
He was solemnly crowned and sceptred and oiled, 

By the Cardinals duly appointed. 
And joy-bells were rung, and Te Deumn were sung, 

Hound the throne of the Lord's anointed. 

Hard by that throne, you might hear the groan, 

Of those that lay in chains, 
In Little-Ease, where the sea-damps freeze, 

Or the sun-scorch boils the brains. 
But stifled still. for groans too shrill, 
t Or tongues that dare to wag, 
There was CARAFA'S silence-cap, 

And MANISCALCO'S gag. 
So Liberty's poison with fetter and lash 

From the people's heart he purges, 
And where KING BOMBA scourged with whips, 

BOMBAUSO with scorpions scourges. 

Aud where was KINO GARIBALDI theu ': 

He was tailing the Tuscan Sea, 
In a merchant-vessel of sixty tons, 

For a merchant-captain's fee ; 
Or his shirt rolled up to the elbows, 

Aud his hands in the mutton-fat, 
He was moulding the dips and twisting the wicks, 

At a New York chandler's vat 
Or planting early potatoes, 

Aud tending his goats the while, 
Where sheer to the deep runs the barren steep 

Of Caprera's little isle. 

So enter our Kings on Sicily's stage 
^ Be warned, Utopian dreamers, 
The one he hath a navy complete, 

The other two merchant-steamers ; 
This leads a rabble a thousand strong, 

That, troops by thousands thirtj . 
The one wears royal purple, 

The other a red shirt, dirty; 
Let the crack-brained fool, an if he may, 

Capreru scuttle back to 
The odds they run a thousand to one, 

For dejttt-e against de facto ! 



THE EXITS. 

1 see a crowd acclaiming loud, 

In Naples' sunlit splendour, 
women alone, hut bearded men 

Are tearful of look and tender. 
Their throats rain blessings, their hauu= ruin flowers, 

And both in shower- u 
As they crowd about a worn grey man, 

lu a reu shirt, the worse for wearing. 
They clasp his hands, they clutch his knees, 

Tin y line his road in masses ; 



Strongly Recommended before Dinner. 

(By a Vulgar Illiterate Coelmty.) 

WHY is a lucky sixpence like Absinthe ? Because it's a happy-tizer 
(appetiser) \ ! ! 



'iiiujf their babes that he may la\ 
His hands on them, as he passes. 

And this is the man that a few months since, 

At Marsala dared a lauding, 
In the face of odds that had never been faced 

man of the least understanding. 
Unscathed by sword, untouched by shot, 
_As if o'er his life a charm is, 
Klv xu's navies are his, 

And KIM, BOMHAU.NO'S armies ! 
And now his foot 's on the base of a throne, 

And his hand is on a crown 
And behold he takes his hand away, 

And from that throne steps down. 

And simple and shabby as ke came, 

So shabby and simple goes ; 
Back to Caprera's cabbage beds, 

Aud early potato-rows. 
No pomp and state on his exit wait, 

But that no power can buy. 
The love that glows in every heart, 

Aud the tear in every eye. 
A word, a will this crown was his, 

And his this Kingdom fair ; 
But better he loves Caprera's isL, 

And his old felt hat to wear ! 



I see a rock-based fortress town, 

With batteries girdled round ; 
There 's a sulphurous reek in the stifling air, 

And corpses strew the ground. 
The kennels run blood, through the trampled mud, 

Crush'd gabion and rent fascine, 
Where the cannons lour from the embrasure, 

And the gunners shrink and screen : 
And heard high o'er the great guns' roar, 

The crack of the fusillade, 
Is blent with the fall of shattered wall, 

Or bastion prostrate laid. 

For months and months the leagured town, 

Hath sat in want and woe 
With fear within and fire without, 

And Death on-creeping slow ; 
Till food is spent, and Fever conies, 

And strikes its victims down; 
And strong men's curses dog the King, 

For whom they hold the town ; 
And starving mothers at his door 

Fling down their babies dead ; 
And orphaned children lay the blood 

Of fathers on his head. 

And mutiny folds stubborn arm;, 

Nor gives back blow for blow ; 
And so perforce he strikes the flag 

Dishonoured long ago : 

And through the blood and through the wreck, 
( His young Queen at his side, 
The last Italian BOURBON goes 

lu sullen scowling pride 
I. n blessed, unloved, no liand grasps his, 

No heart laments his fall ! 
Sic Exit BOMBALINO ! 

Sic Extant Tyrants all ! 



LICENSED WITILERS. The Yankees. 



82 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUABT 23, 1861. 




FROZEN OUT LAWYERS. 

IND gentlemen, have you ere a 
Six-and-Eightpence to bestow 
on a poor half-starved client- 
less solicitor, for I've a wife 
at home, kind gentlemen, and 
half a dozen children, and my 
eldest boy's at Eton, and if 
business keeps so slack, I shan't 
be able to afford to complete 
his education, to say nothing 
of my daughters who are being 
taught at home, and who every 
year are costing more for crino- 
line and schooling, and there's 
my wife, kind gentlemen, she 
vows I haven't given her a new 
bonnet these six weeks, and 
she says my cheques for house- 
keeping have been so few and 
far between that she has more 
than once been forced to use 
herpinmoney for puddings, and 
she declares it's only stinginess 
that makes me keep her short 
of money, and she protests 
she's not been taken to the 
theatre these three months, and 
if I wasn't a solicitor she'd 
summon me for cruelty, but 
she says she knows SIR CHESS- 
WELL wouldn't hurt a brother 
lawyer, and so of course there's 
no good in her trying the 
Divorce Court, and here's my 
brother-in-law, kind gentlemen, 
a clever rising junior nearly 
sixty years of age, who hasn't 
pocketed so much as a half- 
guinea fee since Michaelmas, 
and whatever will become of us 
is more than 1 can tell, for the 
. ,, Courts are frozen up, and so 

is tbe golden stream that used to flow into our pockets, and in 
point of fact, kind gentlemen, 

" We 're got no work to do-o-o-o-o, 
We've got no work to do-o-o ! 
We lawyers now in Chancery 
Have got no work to do ! " 

Such, we may expect, will be the piteous appeal addressed to passers- 
by in Bedford Row and Chancery Lane by gangs of hungry-looking 
lawyers with empty blue bags in their hands, and may be a troop of 
halt-starved clerks and children at their heels. This at least we gather 
irom the following sad statement, which was put forth the other morn- 
ing by the Master of the Rolls : 

" STATE OF BUSINESS IN THE EQUITY COURTS. His Honour said that he thought 

as proper that he should inform the gentlemen at the bar that he had takeu 

some pains to ascertain the state of his paper, and he believed that, beyond the 

ises set down in that day's paper, there were only nine that were ripe for hearing : 
nor did he see any prospect of the Court being fully employed during the remainder 

the sittings, although hitherto this had been the most laborious portion of the 
year. The state of the cause list of the Vice-Chancellors was such that there was 
no more business before them than they could dispose of; and he therefore could 
not properly ask for any transfer of causes. He thought it was desirable to make 
this communication as soon as he became acquainted with the state of business It 
i certainly the first time that this had happened since he had had the honour of 
occupying the present seat. It would be more agreeable to himself and to the bar 
to be fully employed during the present Httings. The fact that one of the courts 
had not sufficient business to keep it in motion denoted the wholesome state of the 
Court of Chancery." 

Yes, certainly, it must be "more agreeable" to the spiders to find 
their webs full of fat blue-bottles, and themselves " fully employed " 
with the labour of devouring them. But we fancy had the blue-bottles 
a voice in the matter, they would sing out O be joyful ! to see the webs 
so empty, and the spiders' occupation so very nearly gone. On the 
whole we think the public won't be sorry to discover that the Chancery 
practitioners are so sadly unemployed. Knowing upon whom it is the 
legal spiders batten, the flies can't but regard it as a "wholesome 
state of things when their devourers find some difficulty in blowing 
their blue bags out. 

A COMPANY THAT REALLY SHOULD BE "LIMITED." A Company 
of Crinolines. With not the slightest additional "power to add to their 
number, or extent." 



THE DEFENCE OF AGAK TOWN. 

THE noble sentiment of patriotism may inflame the inhabitants of a 
district as vehemently as those of a country at large, and combustible 
hearts may burn as ardently with zeal for local as for national honour. 
MR. WATSON, who was stated to be a publican, was, on Wednesday 
night last week, unanimously voted into the chair of a meeting which 
took place at the Talbot Arms, in Cambridge Street, Agar Town, con- 
vened to consider what steps should be taken to resent an unfavour- 
able description of that suburb, which lately appeared in the Post. 
Our fashionable contemporary's topography of Agar Town contained 
several statements which tremendously excited the disinterested indig- 
nation of the public-spirited inhabitants. For example : 

" The CHAIRMAN said the first statement in the precious article he wished to 

I notice was, thit St. Giles-iu-the-Fields had been removed to Agar Town the 

| clearing of human rats from one district to another. (iaurMer.) He did not think 

they deserved that term. This libeller and traducer had no right to call them 

i human rate. (Cheers.)" 

Certainly not. He had no right to call them rats, and when MR- 
WATSON said he did not think they deserved that term, of course 
! he did not mean to imply the admission, that whether they deserved 
j it or not might be matter of opinion, like the dirt or cleanliness 
of Agar Town ; he meant to signify, with modest irony, that he rather 
flattered himself that the Agar Townsmen were considerably the 
reverse of creatures that dwell in filthy places. 

Then the traducer of Agar Town had inaccurately asserted, that it 
had been paved by the Ecclesiastical Commissioners. This inexactitude 
seems to have enraged the sensitive ME. WATSON as much as though 
the writer had alleged MR. WATSON himself to have received parochial 
relief. He declared that 

" It was a palpable falsehood to say that the town was paved by the Ecclesiastical 
Commissioners, because they did all they could to prevent the parish doing it, oa 
the ground of its being an illegal encroachment on private property. This precious 
article in the Morning Post, which circulated among the higher classes and clergy of 
England, therefore told a deliberate lie. (Cheers. }" 

Having thus rectified a misstatement in strong language, the eloquent 
Chairman of this select but impassioned meeting then read another 
extract from the objectionable article, which had outraged their 
tenderest feelings : 

" The inhabitants of this district are chiefly poor labourers and the poorest class 
of costermougers. or men, as they are called, ' who follow the markets.' The 
women, if not laundresses, of which there are a great number, are nothing at all, 
and a ' Mother's Society ' strives hard to teach them the commonest homo duties. 
It is doubtful if they know how to cook the simplest eatable, or wash a child, and 
the public soup-kitchen finds full employment in making up for their domestic- 
short-comings." 

Now," demanded MR. WATSON, with a sense of insulted man- 
hood: 

" Now, how did they like to hear their wives, sisters, daughters, and mothers 
spoken of in that manner ? A greater disgrace could not be thrown on the womea 
of the neighbourhood, and it was a direct libel." 

The REV. R. P. CLEMENGBR, the clergyman of the parish, follow- 
ing the Chairman, entered into a defence of his conduct in the matter, 
which he proved simply to have consisted in showing the correspondent 
of the Post round the place, and thus enabling him to make that sketch 
of it which the inhabitants complained of as being not a flattering 
likeness. 

MR. NODES, a vestryman of St. Pancras, then spoke. He said he 
was the landlord of twenty houses in Agar Town. Dignus vindice 
NODUS. MR. NODES vindicated his own position in a manner worthy 
of himself and the fine and flourishing town in whose prosperity he has 
so large a stake. 

An eloquent oration was next delivered by a MR- STEPHENSON, " the 
proprietor of a laundry business," who moved a resolution contradictory 
af the statements in the Post article. The commencement may suffice 
to indicate the style, which will be recognised as characteristic : 

" Gentlemen all, I have been 1C or IT years in Agar Town, and I believe I have 
hold up myself, and my wife, and my children, with the best integrity which they 
could be held up in the working classes. I give you to understand, gentlemen, I 
am not a gentleman, but a working man, although I hold a certain establishment, 
which I have brought up to a great extent by my own and my wife's industry." 

Several other passages, however, are gems also. As this : 

" There is a certain house in King's Square, Bayswater, which I does for. Well, 
when they saw this article, they remarked on it, and I asked them to come and see 
my place. In a short time I received a party from that family, and they were 
jreatly deceived by the investigation of my premises. (Loud cheers.) " 

" Undeceived," perhaps MR. STEPHENSON meant, although, of course, 
ne said " deceived." The reporter, however, is probably incorrect in 
making him say "When they 'saw' this article." For "saw," we 
uspecr, we should read " see." " When they see this article, &c." 

Admire, too, the following homely utterance of reproachful pathos : 

" I did feel it to my heart when a gentleman stated in the public press that a 
mother here has not the knowledge to wash her children's clothes." 

The domestic feelings of the speaker were evidently wounded, as 
well as the interests which he had in what he called " our pretty little 



FIXUUAKY ^:}, 1861.] 



FCH, Oil THE LOMJO.N CilAKU ,\K1. 



83 



town." And doubtless a pretty town it is. But it was requisite that 
sentiment should be succeeded by facetiousuess ; so 

" MII i t, at a young man woricing in 

the t"wn. what 

the Munuii'/ J'*l. II. :ither, 'Oh, njy 

.on is Ui [' iiitd hU 

who tried to please hia 

puruliu, thit tiiis M-imi.i! B| to Lavu said uiurc, but 

iu the time wa* bo short, he wimM eut it lor the night." 

When Mil. BAKNKS, wlio is clearly a food and funny but not an 
intelligible young man, Imd cut it, MR. EDMONDS moved a resolution 
reflecting on the KM. MH. (;I,KMKN<;HI for not having taken steps to 
repudiate the imputations that had been cast on Agar Town, and to 
vindicate the character of his parishioners : 

" HeBaiii.ii -n't expect much from 

coatorui i cived a firstrolaw edu- 

nui lotion when 

he first saw tin- i, but lie took the individual 

to the class costormonger or rate. 
I '111 u . nMjkur), but I'd like to bite more if I could." 



A MK. ilaLEii, another costeruionger, then made a speech in the 
same strain us that of the preceding ; a strain of very peculiar humour. 
The conclusion of it is all that need be quoted : 

" (icutluiuuii, a costerruontfor is a man, not a rat, and I never heard of u rat that 
.:i blanah-rnange. (Roan o " 



" Blansh-mange " will probably be deemed conclusive as to the cha- 
racter of the speech, and the peculiarity of the humour with which il as 
well as that of the other cost ermonaer was imbued. That humour was un- 
mistakeably a humour which may be called dry, but is indeed, generally, 
a manifestation of copious moisture. We should like to know bow 
much beer the two costermongers had had, and indeed what quantity 
had been imbibed by i lie rest of the speakers, all except the clergy- 
man, who had very liKely taken too little, in order that he might spend 
the value of the liquor on his poor parishioners. The resolution con- 
, demiiatory of that Reverend Gentleman having been carried, thanks were 
voted to the Chairman, ami the meeting, like the facetious young man 
who talked nonsense, "cut it." How many were there among them 
of the wretched <!. iiiting that considerable portion of Agar 

Town which, though tin- settlement, as a whole may be "a pretty little 
town," undoubtedly deserves to be denominated the Slums? 



OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 

N Thursday last, dear Punch, 
I visited Old Drury. If 
we may believe the news- 
papers (1 hope the writers 
in them kindly will pardon 
me the 'if')' the greatest 
actor of our age is now at 
Drury Lane, and delighting 
nightly myriads with his 
' matchless personations. ' 
Now, supposing this be 
really a true statement of 
a fact, I think it would be 
well if we inquire upon 
what basis the popularity 
of this ' consummate artist ' 
rests. If he be really gifted 
with the genius ascribed to 
him, clearly his excelling 
talents should be studied 
by all who would perfect 
themselves in the dramatic 
art. On the contrary, if the 
press by its reiterated puf- 
fery has set up an unworthy 
model to be copied, it cer- 
tainly must be to the 
advantage of the drama 
that, to stop such imitation, the idol be displaced. 

" It humiliates one rather to confess one's ignorance, but will you 
please inform me What is a dramatic critic ? Is he one to whom the 
public looks for guidance in its pleasures, and whom we expect by his 
mature and practised judgment, to point out imperfections and to cul- 
tivate our taste F Or is it his business to scatter out puffs broadcast 
without discrimination. If this be the case, certain critics have 
nobly done their duty : only I submit that, to make their meaning 
manifest, their writings should be printed with the heading of ' ADVBK- 
TISEJIKNT." You and I perhaps may know the purport of their praises ' 
but the public is most likely not so well informed, and has a fair' 
right to complain if it should chance to be misled by them. 
" That M^R. KEAN is a good actor (of some parts) I don't deny : but 




1 can't bring myself in truth to grant that, he 's a great one. In the 
present dearth of talent he may hold a higher rank than is properly his 
due, by the mere!' e who are inferior. But 

we are not therefore entitled to set him on a pedestal for the ignorant 
to gape at, and for - e r, I own that he 

commanded my r 1 grant that he has gained 

it as an actor. His Cardinal //V^y is, 1 1 hiuk, a good concept ion, and 
carefully worked out. 1 give him some praise for his Benedick, and 
much more for the wu ;lie JJevil in Fault, and I thought him 

[without eijual in the (,'wiV<( liruthtrs until I saw MK. FBCUTKH 
i whose acting I think li.-tter. l.ouu the Eleventh is clearly his best 
character. His personal peculiarities here stand him in good stead, 
and much assist him in his making up a life-like picture of the part. 
Indeed 1 call his Louis a masterly performance, for the character is 
full of the most varying eccentricities and these in quick transition he 
most skilfully pre.- . 

"Ma. KKAN then is, I grant, a most painstaking actor, and in a 
certain sort of melodrama he is clever and artistic, and works out his 
conceptions with liuish and good taste. But to call him, as some 
critics do, a ' great tragedian ;' to term him 'this consummate artist,' 
when he plays in Shakspeare parts: to describe his Hamlet as a 
masterpiece of art,' performed 'under the influence of a continued 
inspiration,' and to say this 'vivid, soulful, and expressive' persona- 
tion must he admitted to rank as high in the list of histrionic triumphs 
as any personation that was ever achieved in this or any other country ' 
such phrases, Sir, as these 1 consider to be clearly a burlesque of 
criticism, which should provoke our laughter only less than our 
regret. Actors are not usually troubled with weak stomachs, but it 
must tax the powers of a not ordinary digestion to swallow down such 
fulsome stun as I have quoted, and one would fancy Ma. KKAX must 
feel both sickened and disgusted by it. To call him a ' consummate 
actor ' of high tragedy is just about as truthful as to point with admi- 
ration to his altitude of stature, to say he stands not less than six feet 
seven in his stockings, has the presence of Hyperion and a sweeter 
voice than Orpheus, and is more favoured in his person than any mortal 
man. Such a statement has indeed been well nigh ventured by some 
writers, one of whom commends him for his 'graceful bearing, while ' 
another (who wrote doubtless with his tongue thrust in his cheek) 
says of him in his Hamlet, that he ' showed all the proficiency of the 
accomplished elocutionist.' Now, I hope I am not snob enough to 
ridicule a person for his physical defects ; but 1 cannot consent to view 
as an ' accomplished elocutionist ' a man from whose mouth the word 
money ' comes with more the sound of ' putty,' and whose most 
emphatic utterance in deeply tragic passages is a tone that alternates 
between a gurgle and a gasp. 

As we don t get a ' great tragedian ' to amuse us often nowadays, 
1 may possibly next week add a postscript to this letter. In the interim 
send a prize-fighter to protect me from the critics, and believe me, 
" Yours, defiant of their black looks, 

" OJHS WHO PATS." 



. A NOMINAL OBJECTION. ] 

PERSONS who believe that there is something in a name may be 
strengthened in their faith by the following intelligence, which was 
brought from Trinidad by the last West Indian Mail: 

" The Governor experienced very great difficulty In procuring the services ol 
gentlemen to assume the responsibilities of office, and was on the point of appealing 
to the country In the usiml manner, when MR. SMITH, one of the members fur 8t 
Elizabeth, agreed to take office. Be secured the nil-vices of the Box. GIOHOI 
SOLOMOH In the Auombly, and of BARON KETTKLHOLOT In the Legislative Council, 
01 colleagues." 

Fortunate indeed must be the Minister who counts on the assistance 
of a SOLOMOK ; but as for BAKON KKITBLUOUDT, we fear his 
implies the presence of hot water. 



The Star of Italy. 

ACCORDING to a telegram from Paris, the following statement occurs 
in two French papers : 

" We have received communications from several friends of GARIBALDI, stating 
that he haa not entered Into engagements to act at least In Hungary." 

If the battle of Venetian emancipation is to be fought in Hungary or 
anywhere else, it is pretty sure that, the chief actor on the stage of 
I taly will appear at the Theatre of \Var. 



A Wonderful Resemblance between William Hazlitt and 
Reform Bill. 

WHAT CHARLES LAMB said of HAZLITT'S conversation may be 
applied with great justice to LORD JOHN'S Reform Bill, "It was 
charming in its way nothing could be better for one who made a 
practice of never starting from any premises, and of never arriving at 
anything like a conclusion." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 23, 1861. 







Augustus. " HAW ! NEAT STYLE OP COB THAT, CHARLES ! " 
Charles. "YA-AS! SEVERE, AIN'T IT? You SEE I'M WEADINO- FOR EXAJUNATION. 
A CLASSICAL PONT THINK A SHALL PULL THROUGH ! " 



A *VE GOT A DOOCED GOOD COACH, AND WIIII 



HOW TO DRAW OUT A PERSON'S GRATITUDE. 

AT the last meeting of the London and South- West era, a gentleman 
stated that he was one of the passengers who bad providentially escaped 
being killed in the accident of the 2Sth ult., "having been drawn out 
from the bottom of a smashed carriage." The gentleman did not 
attend to remonstrate, to blow up the company generally, to ask for 
damages, but "to thank the servants for their great care and attention." 
Well, gratitude does dwell at times, when it has any dwelling at all, in 
some of the strangest places ! 

if this enthusiast was so grateful for having escaped only with his 
life, we suppose that his gratitude would have known no bounds if he 
had been killed outright. We do not think, if we had been dragged 
' through the bottom of a smashed carriage," that our first impulse 
would have been to thank the servants of the company for " their great 
care and attention." Such kindness would be all the more appreciated on 
our parts, if it were a trifle less killing. In fact, the attention is of that 
overpowering nature that it knocks one completely over, and we do not 
think the best time to return thanks is when the breath has been all 
but taken out of your suffering body. We hope that the above enthu- 
siastic gentleman (whom we almost feel inclined to call "buffer" from 
the very affectionate way in which he clings to the railway that has 
done him an injury) is, for his own sake, not a frequent traveller on our 
iron highways, or else we have our misgivings that his gratitude will 
often have occasion to be very severely put to the test. We confess 
that the first accident would about exhaust all the gratitude we should 
have in our offended corpus, so that we are afraid we should have little 
or none left for the second trial. 



GOOD FOB TAKES. 

We see advertised a Reaping Machine, 
to come directly after the Sewing Machine? 



Of course, it is intended 



THE FINISHER OF BRITISH ART. 

" HIN a Letter to the Times hon the Subjick of the british Gallery 
in palmal that imminent hartist MB. W. P. J?JUTH rites this ere, witch 
i cuts out o the paper : 

" Why, with a few exceptions, are the beat artists ot the country scared from 
Pall-Mall ? The answer is easy. The management is in the hands of a secret and 
irresponsible committee. For years it has been sought to penetrate the niystory, 
but we are no nearer the solution than we were 20 years ago. The institution is 
supposed to be governed by directors who hang the pictures annually. Will any of 
them come forward and acknowledge the hanging of this season? Will the 
arranger unveil himself and clear up the mystery for us ? " 

" Hin anser to the Abuv chalindge i 've no esitasion in Cumin forad 
like a Mann, i Ung the Picters. They wos sentenced by the Propper 
Judges and I wos cumunicutted with In the Usal way and got the 
Orfis to Do the Jobb. Hif i adn't a dunn it the Sherif wood ave ad to. 
And now wot's MR. FRITH got to say ? E 's got no call to complane of 
me ; i Never ung im. I Flater myself ime as Good a judge of Augin 
as e is. i've eard and no doubt but wot e exels in Hexecution hut in 
that Pint, thoe I sez it as shouldn't i say there nare a Artist in the 
Rile acaddamy to compare with your umbel cervant 

" CALCRAFT, J. K." 

"** P.s. Scuse misteaks. i Haint much of a correspondent Avin 
few custumers I ever trubles with a Line moar than Vunce. 

" Cannubis cotage Hempstead, Walentinfs Day." 



The Political Tabernacle. 

THE comprehensive measure for the consolidation of B-iukruptcy 
and Insolvency which SIR RICHARD BETHELL brought forward last 
year was too large to be grasped by the intellect of the House of 



Commons, and had to be abandoned. The ATTORNEY-GENERAL has 

now produced a smaller measure, which is excellent as far as it goes. 

Great Bethell encountered an amount of dissent which we hope will 
A GOOD PLACE FOR A COOK. The Dripping-Well of Knaresborough. I be conciliated by Little Bethell. 



Printed br William Bradbury of No. 13, Upper Wobum Place, nd Frederick Mullen EVAHI, ef No.19. Qaeen'a Road West, Rezenfs Park, both it (he Parish ot St Psncra., in Ibe Conntf 
ten, ai tbeir Ufoce in Lombard Street, la the Preciuct of Waitefriars, ia tue City of London, ana PubljiUed by lueiu t No. Si, Fleet Street, in the Parish oi St. Bride in the City 



. of MiJdlem 
7 of London. 



MARCH 2, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




85 



(il:! I i-n lively Female. Watp on the IliA or February (vide 

Hi'- " /'/. lit. " V S'/ic fancies it portends a Warm and Early Summer, Every appearance of it 



(SUPPORT IN SICKN1 

,v i rut it in nf i In: provident is due to a 
.in in, announcing a 

Ni:\S' i IN ASSfKAM i:-10j.pr 

week allowed In CUM of ilckiuMi (or nr> 
aarured in the I'm UEMTIAL Aunt KAMI: AK 
Lontloo,or aicknoM allowance granted without aasurauiu. 

The Prudential AMuranoe Association is most 

.geoualy situated. In the very i 
the City, and within an easy walk of Guildhall 
and the Mansion House, it firs quite in the way 
of the Corporation, Ilow very convenient for 
gentlemen who have such good reason, and so 
much occasion, as the Aldermen and Common 
Couiicilnien have, for insuring themselves against 
sickness ! Considering how freely they indulge 
in the pleasure* of the civic table, they must 
see what a fine thing it is for them to be able to 
step into an Office, and for a trifle, secure an 
allowance of 10.. a-week whenever they are sick. 



Mistaken Identity. 

WE are authorised to state, that the Cabinet 
of Curiosities which is mat now being advertised, 
has no connection with the Cabinet over which 
LORD PAI.MKKSTON has the honour to preside. 
We may add, the curiosities in this, his Lord- 
ship's, Cabinet are most of them exhibited in 
their proper places, on what are in St. Stephens 
known as " Government nights." 



WHAT TUB ORACLE or TH TUILEBIES HAS 

JUST ANNOUNCED TO THE POP*. AtO te 

Romanes vineere poti. 



WHAT OUR FRENCH FRIENDS THINK OF US. 

THE assertion has been hazarded by rash and daring writers, that 
Frenchmen as a rule know little about England: that, in spite of the 
increasing means of cheap and rapid intercourse, they do not take the 
trouble to inform themselves about us ; that they still believe we live 
on raw beef steaks and " portare-hier," never trust ourselves abroad 
without a bulldog at our heels, and take our wives to Smithfield with 
halters round their necks, to dispose of them as slaves to the men who 
will bid highest for them. A guide to London, which was published 
for the use of the Orph<5onistes, and which was honoured by Mr. Punch 
with a notice in his columns, helped somewhat to support the bold 
assertion we have mentioned, and further confirmation has been recently 
afforded by a treatise on Lei Anglais, Lottdrcs, et VAnyleterrt, wiiiteu 
by a Frenchman of whom we never heard, but who gets another 
Frenchman, whose name as a press-writer is thoroughly well known to 
us, to verify the truth of the statements in the book. As a reason for 
BO doing, and as a recommendation of the work he thus endorses, ii. 
EMILE DB GIRARDIN in introducing it observes 

" The English language not being very familiar in France, my countrymen may 
amuae, and at the same time instruct, themselves by studying England and the 
English lu these pages, to which I give my cordial approval." 

Amusement certainly there may be in the statements which are 
furnished ; but as to their instruc'iveness, the less said perhaps the 
better. For instance, the French teacher who is patted on the back j 
by MONSIEUR DE GIRARDIN, informs his countrymen, that more than 
half the British population is compelled lo live by begging of the other 
half, an assertion which the columns of relief that, have been advertised 
will be held no doubt to prove. Ami nut less truthful is the statement, 
that the English as a rule know nothing of Fine Art; because their 
diet, and their climate prohibit all such knowledge. As the author 
uuively tells us : 

"The English are by nature averse to ennt< nipl:iti,>n ; they only care for 
beer, porter, and spirits ; whereas it is essential to have that je ne tau quai which we 
call grace, fooling, of which an Englishman has not the remote i : his 

i hin;uc, his coarse food, and black tirink are utterly opposed to any mental refine- 
ment. In fact, to possess taste, it is necessary to possess soul, and a large soul ;; 
and the English possess nothing but appctUu." 

Without, inquiring whether Frenchmen have in general large souls, 
it cannot be denied that they have most of them larje stomachs; and 
if possession of these properties he incompatible with due appreciation 



wherewith we satiate our appetite, perhaps it may be this which so 
degrades our taste. The raw berf steaks on which our gluttons gorge 
and gloat have a brutalising influence upon their dispositions, and 
incline them to a relish for the moat disgusting sights. Bullbailinit 
and cock fighting are more than ever now our national amusements, and 
in the opinion of the author whom we cite, the time is not far distant 
when the Dying Gladiator will be added to the Astleyau attraction of 
wild beasts : 

" An Englishman requires to see nil follow creatures in danger in order to expe- 
rience any emotion. The young utrl who was devoured in presence of a hill bouse 
at Antley'i! Theatre obtained a great succen. During a whole fortnight she wa the 
aole object of conversation in social circles and at the cluba. Those who had been 
so fortunate as to witness this extraordinary seene were heartily envied by their lees 
fortunate brethren. To hear the bones of a poor girl crunched by a tiger I what a 
delicinui excitement I I am certain that the dr.y is not far dlsUut when this aria- 
tocraoy, worn out with ennui, will need such representations M men com bating 
with wild beasts." 

This return to Roman customs will doubtless find much favour in 
the eyes of our fair sex if, at least this be a truthful picture of their 
habits: 

" At a dinner-party the ladies retire into another room, after having partaken 
very moderate!? of ome : and while the gentlemen are left to emtity bottle* of 
Port, Madeira, Claret, and Champagne (IX It la a constant habit among the ladies to 
empty bottles oi brandy." 

Indeed, now I Is it really! We thank you, good Monsieur, for 
teaching us that fact. Often and often have we wondered what on 
earth the ladies do when they retire from the dessert table, and, but 
t hat we hate eavesdropping, and have no wish to get our ears boxed, 
we should long ere this have followed them, and stooped down to the 
keyhole of the sanctum where they sit. Well, we several times have 
wondered what, made their tongues so glib, and their general conver- 
sation so ipirituel when we rejoined them. We more than once, 
poor fools ! have imagined that their spirits were raised on our account, 
and have fancied them intoxicated by the pleasure of pur presence. 
Alas! such vain delusions are no more to be indulged in. We now 
know ou good authority that when the ladies leave the room it is to 
hold a ifirit-ieauce; and that if their bright eyes sparkle at the sight 
of our approach, tue cause is not a love for us, but an affection for the 
brandy-bottle. 



Lord John's Finality. 

_ r ,._.. _ r As applied to the Reform Bill, it is very like the finality of those 

of the Arts, it may be doubted if our neighbours be much better off interminable magazine stories, for you never arrive at any other end 
than we are in this last respect. With regard to the coarse food . than [" To b continued i o*r next.] 



VOL. XL. 



86 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 



[MARCH 2, 1861. 




THE ITALIAN BOOT. 



AN AWKWARD FIX. 

FROM the Springfield Journal, the President Elect's 
organ, we learn with a certain dismay that 

"MR. LINCOLN stands immovably on the Chicago platform, and 
ho will neither acquiesce in, nor consult his friends to acquiesce 
in, any compromise that surrenders one iota of it." 

This is an embarrassing attitude for any statesman 
to take. If MR. LINCOLN will not remove from the 
platform, we suppose the only way will be to carry him 
and the platform into the Capitol together. It will 
be rather awkward, though, if the floor of the House 
is not large enough to take in the platform ! We have 
heard of ffie-iioers having such an attachment for their 
seats (like ilR. HORSMAN, for instance,) that they can- 
not be made, or persuaded, to give them up ; but for 
a senator openly to declare that his affection 1'or a cer- 
tain platform is so strong that nothing shall induce hini 
to tear himself froc, it, is quite a new locus standi in 
the political world. The only possible compromise we 
see, when MR. LINCOLN and his platform are carried in 
triumph to Washington, is, to get the latter incor- 
porated instantly with the Board of Administration, 
j and then ABRAHAM can "stump " away as much as he 
likes on both. 

There can be but little difficulty in this operation in 

a country where they move houses more easily than 

spiritualists move chairs or tables, so that an invalid, 

who is ordered a change of air, can be carried twenty 

miles into the country simply by giving his orders 

over-night, and without a single baby in the establish- 

! ment being in the least disturbed by the arrangement, 

j or as much as a creditor being cognisant of the move. 

I If it is so easy there to transport an entire house 

I without spilling even a drop of ink, it cannot surely 

require the power of a second Aladdin, to carry a 

simple platform through the country, and to do it so 

steadily and effectively that MR. LINCOLN, on his arrival 

at the White House, shall be as immovable as ever, 

having traversed the United States, without having 

leant in the smallest way either to the north or the 

south. 



WHY are the Game Laws the jolliest laws we 
have? Because their express object is to "keep the 
game alive." . 

A CHEST PROTECTOR. One of CHCBB'S locks. 



INSTEAD OF WHICH AND NOT ONLY. 

EVERYBODY, of course, knows the story of the old country Justice, 
who addressed to a juvenile goose-stealer, in pronouncing sentence 
upon him, this remonstrance : " Here, Sir, Providence lias blessed 
you with talents and opportunities, instead of which you go stealing 
geese off a common ! " 

Was this celebrated magistrate'a VILLIEKS or a MONTAGUE? 

The reason for this question will be discerned in a certain letter on 
the subject of Essays and Reviews, lately written by the BISHOP OF 
DURHAM, in reply to an address concerning those writings from the 
Archdeaconry of Lindisfarne. " It will," writes the Bishop, in that 
pastoral epistle, " be in great measure, by our Christian earnestness, 
and by our Scriptural teaching, that we should guard the unwary from 
being led into the paths of sucli dangerous speculations, and show our 
abhorrence of opinions which I from my heart consider not only to be 
detrimental to the best interests of morality, and derogatory to," here 
he Bishop uses words equivalent to scriptural revelation " but which 
are so manifestly opposed to the truth as it is in" here his Lordship 
names the Author of Christianity. 

The orthodoxy or heterodoxy of Essays and Reviews is not now in 
question, and of course we are not going into theology, but may be 
permitted to express the supposition that the revelation which the 
BISHOP OP DURHAM mentions, and the truth which he names, are 
generally regarded amongst us as one and the same thing. If so, then 
that which is derogatory to the teaching must be opposed to the truth, 
and the Bishop's "not only" has a strong family likeness to the 
Justice's " instead of which." Save that " not only," in the above 
connection, beats "instead of which." For "instead of which" is 
merely a rather gaping ellipsis. "Instead of employing; and exerting 
which," was what his Worship meant to say. But "not only" can 



by no stretch of rhetorical licence be forced into harmony with the laws 
of thought and language. 

If, ^ndeed, the BISHOP OP DURHAM intended to contradistinguish 
the truth from the revelation, then the "not only" by which he 
indicated that intention was not only right but also requisite. But 
if he did not intend that, then the Bishop is referred to DR. BLAIR. 
He probably has read BLAIR'S Sermons; but BLAIU not only wrote 
sermons: he also wrote certain lectures on style. These the BISHOP 
or DURHAM should read, and not only read them, but endeavour to 
comprehend them, and observe the instructions which they contain. 
His " not only," as it stands above, unexplained, is a caution 
to sinners, that is to say, a caution to writers who sin not only 
against the precepts of BLAIR, but also against the truth as it is in 
LINDLEY MURRAY. It is likewise a caution to saints to those 
saints who are accustomed to use evangelical phraseology not only 
without understanding what it means, but without even considering 
what they themselves imagine it to mean. Such saints may be admo- 
nished by the example of the BISHOP OF DURHAM to mind how they 
employ serious forms of speech, lest they should unawares make a 
serious mistake, and a mistake which is not only serious but also 
ridiculous. 

From a Correspondent. 

CHICHESTER Spire, Reading Abbey, Lambeth Church, and sundry 
other ecclesiastical edifices have suffered by the extraordinary gale of 
the 20th. A Correspondent writes to us to say, that he thinks the 
ladies who assisted Macbeth into his difficulties have been at work, and 
have obeyed the permission to 

" Uutie tha winds, and let them fight 
Against the Churches." 

Our private opinion is, that our Correspondent is a Pump. 



MARCH 2, 18G1.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



87 



PAPAL ZOUAVES AND PETTICOATS. 




LETTER from Rome thus 



of the mill near the Tiber by the Papal Zouaves, 
conspicuous by its absence. If these, soldiers 
are ordered to fire at women, their officers may 
be supposed to he desirous to acquire the repu- 

recounts an exploit performed tation of lady-killers. We should like to know 
the Other day by a detach- | 10W they are getting on at. the mill. Perhaps, 
ment of Papal /.ouaves, whilst however, they have got off by this time, as many 
those warriors, on their way were a ij| e to escape from a body of assailants 
to invade the territory of wuom the fire which they had ventured to open 
VICTOR EMMANUEL, were O n the countrywomen at work very likely drew 
voyaging from Nazzano d own u , )on tbem. Those poor old women ran 
across the Tiber in a ferry- away . (,,. probably their retreat was speedily 
boat : followed by the advance of a troop of youthful 

" The Zouave, on crowing fired I?""} vigorous peasant lasses, armed will, pitch- 
a volley at some poor country- forks, scissors, and other rural and domestic 

women who were labouring In a implements. 

^K?o t nStin'^?tTOr 1 butl. Wnat tllen happened we may safely con- 
fortunately uninjured, with' the jecture. The enraged Amazons precipitated 
m of one who had an ear themselves on the men who had fired at their 

S'lnt ' It" 

What terrible fellows are 

these Pontifical Zouaves! ;." "" rj 1 ",">i. """ ? "-" ",' "" "": ?"; 
The females at whom they ! Z . ouave8 of the , POPE who, on that occasion, had 
fired were probably most of 'I' 6 .. honour of bleeding in the cause of his 
them old women ; the heroes Holiness, carry, no doubt, the marks of the 
wounds they then received on that aspect of the 



grandmothers, stormed their position, and sent 
them flying the one who shot a woman's 
off, perhaps, with a flea in his own. 



no doubt would have pre- 
ferred to take young girls 
alive. The Port's oraves 
spare neither age nor sex: 
no, not even when age ana 
sex combine to deprecate 
their ferocity. 

Having knocked off a 
woman's ear at a long shot, 
the gallant Zouaves attacked 



body which they necessarily opposed to the 
prongs, forks, and skewers wherewith they were 
pursued by the girls they left behind them. 



The Beauty of Early Rising. 

Family Physician (toho it a bit of an ABSRNETHT 
in hit way). " You may laugh at me as you like. 



adjoining the ferry, which there was nobody to defend. 

' 



, 

of the Cross as embroidered on the POPE'S shoes was worthy of such crusaders. Their 
descent on Ihe mill may remind the reader of a similar achievement performed by the famous 
Kniirht of La Mancha. 15nt.li the one affair and the other are illustrations of chivalry. The 
chivalry conspicuously manifest in Don Quixote's assault on the windmill, was, in the seizure 



and took possession of a mill Miss, but I tell you it is a positive fact, which 
The enterprise of these Soldiers you are at liberty to disprove, if you can that, 



when Venus rose from the Sea, the rising took 
place the very first thing in the morning, or 
else she never would have been the Beauty she 
was!" 



THE MYSTERIES OF TRADE. 

IN the intelligence from the Brazils, last week, we meet in one of 
the papers with the following curious paragraph: 

" Dry Germans opened at 5!)J rcal, but declined to 58 for half ox half cow, and 
60 for ox, thia quotation being merely nominal." 

The above is a complete mystification. Of course, in our travelling 
experiences, we have met with many " dry Germans," hut we little 
suspected that they ever formed an article of commerce. Besides, who 
would care about purchasing a "dry German "P Then the question 
arises, how do you dry a German ? or does he dry himself in his own 
tobscco-smoke P After this comes the further mystery of bis being 
"opened." It is rather undignified to talk in this way of a "dry 
German," as if he were no better than a dried haddock, or a cured 
herring, or a Teutonic mummy, that had had the accumulated dust and 
cobwebs of centuries upon him. However, we are so far pleased as to 
notice that, "dry Germans" fetch so good a price in the dry-goods 
market. It, is more than we should feel inclined to (rive for such a 
specimen of dried metaphysics and transcendentalistic Kantism. 

Another puzzle that bewilders us still more is the revelation that 
your "dry German" is "half ox, half cow." We have heard of an 
Irish bull, and of a Vache espagnule, and of other curiosities belonging 
to the animal kingdom ; but we must confess that such an ethnological 
specimen as a " dry German," that had the head of an ox and the tail 
of a cow, never, fortunately for us, crossed our scientific path before. 
We are so mystified that we must write to PROFESSOR OWEN on the 
subject, though it looks very suspiciously as though BARNUM, under a 
strong attack of animal spirits, had had a hand in stitching this new 
hybrid together for the enrichment of his New York Museum. We sup- 
pose that the " half ox " is a delicate compliment to the obstinacy of 
Prussia, and t he " half cow " a graceful allusion to the calf-like attributes 
of Austria. However, our Foreign Office, that always evinces such a 
strong sympathy for German interests, should take the matter up. If 
slavery is abolished, why, we want to know, are " dry Germans thus 
offered publicly for sale ? 



MOTTO FOR THE GENERAL CONVEYANCE AMALGAMATED OMNIBUS 
COMPANY. " Epluribusses Umtni." 

BLANCMANGE. Whitebait, 



A PROPHECY OF MERLIN. 

AMONG the curious black-letter prophecies which have been collected 
under the name of the famous Celtic Wizard MERLIN, is one which, in 
the opinion of many, strangely anticipates events which are passing 
under our own eyes in the Church of England. The prophecy runs : 

" ZElliannt that a routr of Uisljopprs shall be bount 
Co lifttn uppe a faaukt bu puttingc Ootonc : 
Wlbanru that this Crnglonfit tuts a man turn bulk, 
Crje forjtcht a Cooprte bg g* tatlt sfjall pullt, 
3nJ Ixtcotlt out of liccurtts thrusttn fullr, 
diannr look foe gntbous tomics . . . anfi pragrn Me 
Cljat Cnglonot's Cfmrcrj stt nat but nabts to fallt." 

This prophecy has, we believe, been repeatedly brought to the notice 
of both our Episcopal and Cathedral body, but, of course, without 
attracting any attention. The last line has been laid hold of, .by 
credulous people, as prophetic of the fall of Chichester Cathedral, the 
spire of which has come down upon the nave, while, in the earlier 
couplets, fanciful imaginations make out allusions to recent, proceeding* 
in relation to the tays and Review, and the expulsion of an offensive 
pervert from a public office. 

It would be well if the Church authorities, when they fall on any- 
body, would follow the example of the Church buildings, and come 
down on knaves only. 



THE REAL EDITOR OF "NOTES AND QUERIES." 

It asked, we should say it was not MR. TIMBS, npr MR. THOMS, but 
MR. MULLENS, who is the Solicitor to an Association of Bankers for 
the Prevention of Forgery, inasmuch as when there is the smallest 
doubt about a Note, it is always sent to him to be Queried. 1 here is 
this peculiarity, too, in MR. MULLENS, that he does not take the 
slightest interest in the circulation of the curious documents tbat. as 
the recognised head of that difficult branch of literature, are placed m 
his hands every year for him to adjudicate whether they have the true 
stamp of genius upon them, or do not exactly come up to the mark, 
in fact, the less Notes that are Queries circulate, the better he is 
pleased. 



88 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 2, 1861. 



OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 




EAR PUNCH, 

"I VENTURED 
in my last to say a 
word or two of 
compliment to MR. 
KEAN in certain 
characters, and of 
censure to the critics 
who persist in over- 
praising him. No good and much harm, as I imagine, will result 
from the use of overstrained and indiscriminatmg eulogy. It is 
the business of a critic carefully to criticise, and not to blow the 
trumpet without having a good reason for it. I suppose we may pre- 
sume that actors in some measure are guided by the press, and cer- 
tainly the public is believed to put some trust in it. Now when an 
actor is so eulogised as MR. KEAN has been, other actors must be 
tempted to take him for their model ; and as they find his acting indis- 
criminately lauded, of course the chances are, that they will copy his 
defects. Tne public it is true may correct them for so doing, but the 
public is in general a race moutonniere, and apt to follow any one who 
likes to take the lead. 

"I have granted that CHABLES KEAN is a good actor of some parts. 
But while I praise his Louis the Eleventh, I can see no reason to 
eulogise his Hamlet. It is I admit a painstaking performance, and 
shows clearly that great care and thought have been bestowed on it. 
But I am not therefore entitled to speak of it in raptures as a 
' masterly conception,' and ' demanding all the genius of a great artist 
to work out.' A portion of the press has had the sense, 1 'm glad to 
see, to stand aloof from its contemporaries, and to abstain from joining 
in their constant cries of 'bravo!' and unvarying handclapping, and 
chorus of ' well done ! ' The 'Examiner distinguishes between the good 
and bad, and while giving the palm freely knows where to hold its 
hand. So too the Athenaum gives MR. KEAN due credit for his acting 
in a melodrama, but denies that he is capable of acting in high tragedy, 
or wherever there is aught of the poetic in his part. This surely is 
more truthful and in better sense and taste, than to smear him over 
with butter as a savage might his idol, and to put him on a pedestal 
as one above all praise. Dramatic art is injured and its prospects I 
think darkened, when an actor so confessedly imperfect as CHARLES 
KEAN is set before our eyes as a pattern of perfection, and puffed as a 
' consummate artist ' in high art. You may fancy 1 misquote, and deny 
that any critic can have used such fulsome phrases. But, with the 
exception of your own and the two that I have noticed, show me any 
paper that exposes his least fault ; and is the inference not fair that he 
is held to be quite blameless, and nearer to perfection than mortal man 
can be? ' Lay it on thick, and some will surely stick !' This seems to 
have been the rule of late adopted by the critics, who have stupidly 
forgotten another sage old precept which should have cautioned them, 

" Lest men believe your tale untrue, 
Keep probability in view." 

" It is not in nature that actors, any more than other people, should 
be perfect, and when a critic fails to point out their imperfections, we 
may properly account him to be unfit for his work. The influence of 
the press of course is weakened by such writers, for nobody of sense 
can put belief in their opinions. Such laudation as has lavishly been 
poured on MR. KEAN cannot long continue to be swallowed by the 
public ; and one fancies that press praises are sarcasms disguised, and 
that its superlatives, so far from bidding us admire, are simply meant 
to make us laugh. 



",Old Drury being the largest v .theatre iirLondon, by way of contrast 
Lhaye paid a visit to the smallest (in saying which, however, I should 
by rights except the Bijou, lately opened for French Plays for the first 
time in my memory, and now presenting to the public what is called 
an 'Entertainment,' of which I have my doubts if it be entertaining). 
I went there on the evening of Miss WILTON'S return, and was 
pleasantly surprised by her acting in Court Favour. Many times she 
has amused me by her naivete in burlesque, but I had never before 
seen her play a lady's part, and I can but give her credit for the way 
in which she did it. There are not too many ladies at present on the 
stage who can assume the graceful manner one looks for in a drawing- 
room ; aud 1 think that this young actress would do wisely to direct 
her studies to this end, instead of lowering herself by playing in 
burlesques, which have a tendency to vulgarise all who have to do with 
them. I need not tell you what relief I found in the neat writing and 
construction of Court Favour, after seeing the coarse stupid farce which 
had preceded it. Have authors lost the art of writing these neat 
pieces ? for, judging by the appetite evinced the other evening, 1 don't 
think that the public at all has lost its relish for them. And, by the 
way, MR. SWANBOROUGH, why have you withdrawn the Silver 
Wedding from your play-bill ? A pretty little piece it was, despite its 
somewhat prosy dialogue, and should have won some golden opinions 
were more people of my mind. 

" There is a burlesque now at this theatre (as when, pray, is there 
not P), which the audience seemed to enjoy and laugh at more than I 
did, though I can hardly say exactly why it was i was not pleased. 
The piece is not ill played, and is written with such smartness that 
one's ears throughout are tingling with the bad jokes which are cracked 
at them. But perhaps the name of PLANCHE, which I had just before 
been reading in the play-bill, had recalled some pleasant memories 
of earlier burlesques, and on his rare model I think no one has 
improved. 

" 1 must, however, own that I laughed more at Cinderella than I did 
at Peter Wilkint, for although the latter is called a ' comic ' panto- 
mime, it disposed me rather to despondency than mirth. Not that I 
am grown too old to laugh at a good pantomime I hope and trust 
sincerely I never may be that; but 1 have not yet learned con- 
formity with what appears to be the fashion of preferring gas and 
glitter to good foolery and fun. 

" Next week I intend to see MR. FECHTER (rhymes with ' wretch 
stir,' MR. TUPPER, and not with 'nectar,' or with 'lectur'), and from 
what I hear of him in Don Caesar de Bazan, I am given to believe that 
I shall have a treat. Meantime, Sir, you and he may depend on the 
assurance of the marked consideration of 

"Your unbiassed Correspondent, 

" ONE WHO PATS." 



ORDER FOR MOURNING. 

Lord Chamberlain's Office, February 21, 1861. 
THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN and Dramatic Censor has just been 
apprised of the removal of M. EUGENE SCRIBE from the sublunary 
scene. The LORD CHAMBERLAIN therefore suggests that British Dra- 
matic Authors do forthwith put their BOYBR'S Dictionaries into decent 
mourning. Gentlemen who have annexed the entire plot aud dialogue 
of any ot M. SCRIBE'S pieces will have their Dictionaries re-bound in 
black, while for authors who have simply "adapted," a temporary 
coyer of black calico will suffice. Appropriators of fragments and 
epigrams from the same source will insert black bookmarks or strips 
ol black ribbon. Half mourning to commence on faster Monday with 
the holiday spectacles, and on SHAKSPEARE'S birthday the authors will 
go out of mourning. 

Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Husbands. 

IN cold winter, when a horse's bit is full of frost, never put it 
(we are told) into his mouth without previously warming it. You 
shouldn't treat your husband with less kindness than you would your 
horse. Therefore, during the winter, put none but warm bits into the 
dear creature's mouth. Not to do so is very cruel, as it is very well 
known that the husband's mouth is mucli more sensitive in cold 
weather than at any other period of the year. It only makes him restive, 
aud snappish, and spoils his temper, so much so that it is almost 
daugerous, at times, to go near him. Hence, whatever you do, avoid 
cold mutton. A Future Benedick. 



PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN'T LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES. 

CONSIDERING the rascalities that have lately come to light among 
the stock-jobbing and stock-dealing community, both here and in Paris, 
it would seem to be quite time to coyer up the Exchange, and the more 
completely the better. But surely it is the last building to make a 
glass house of, considering the stones that are daily thrown at it. 



MABOH 2, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



89 




IF NOT A DONKEY, CERTAINLY A DUELLIST. 

HB Americans and the 
English somewhai 
differ in their notions 
of the nature of 
joke; else we shoulc 
not see reported a 
remark such as the 
following, wliich was 
made tbe oilier even- 
ing in the House ol 
Representatives by 
MB. CLBKENS, o" 
Virginia : 

"He perceived from the 
official report that hU 
colleague (MR. MARTI* 
ia reported to have ex- 
pressed a wUli that be 
(Ui.rxr.xa) should go on 
with hi traitorous ro 
marks. He understood 
that hU colleague made 
Borne other observation 
which did not reach his 
ear. It was now for hiu 
to aay at first, aa well u 
at last, the position which 
ho conceived it his duty 
to take in this national 
emergency was takou de- 
liberately and with the 
expectation that he would 

bo Bubjei ' ition. If Ma colleague'a remark waa intended to (five 

pardoned him, for the reason he waa now labouring under a physicn] 
infirmity with a reeking wound received in a personal encounter. 11 his colleague 
liail :i liko fracture iu his thigh bone, and had been crippled for two-and-a-hall 
years, he would tind a bullet uot a comfortable senaatlon. (Laughter.) He did not 
desire to bo put in a caricature in PuncA or t'unity Fair, u leaning on a cane with 
one hand and holding a piatol in the other. (LauyUir.) " 

The Vanity Fair here mentioned is a New York publication, and 
may, tor aught we know, be capable of cutting such a joke as M it. 
CLEMENS deprecates. But that MR. C. should fancy Mr. Punch would 
stoop to do so, clearly shows in MH. C. a painful ignorance of Puuch. 
If MR. C. desire enlightenment on this, and who shall say how many 
million other subjects ? we recommend him to enrich his library forth- 
with by buying all the nine and thirty valuable volumes, which are 
about to be reissued from Mr. Punch's priceless press. By attentively 
perusing their world-benefiting contents, MR. CLEMENS may arrive at 
a more correct idea of what in Mr. Punch's judgment constitutes a 
joke ; and he will find good ground for thinking that to make fun of a 
cripple, even though he be a duellist, would be a notion not at all 
to the taste of Mr. Punch. 

Mr. Punch reflects with pride, that it was mainly by his efforts that 
duelling in England languished and died oat. To achieve its wished- 
for end, he had recourse to many methods of attack : and when strong 
words and sarcasm were found at all to fail, he opened fire with ridi- 
cule, and dealt it its death-blow. From being pardoned, if not praised, 
as a fashioaable failing, it came to be detested as a vulgar vice, and so 
went out of favour and ere long became extinct. But in all the laughs 
he raised against the notion of a duel being needful to one's " honour," 
Punch never caricatured the misfortune of a cripple, albeit every 
duellist he held to be a goose. 



THE DEBUT OF A NEW STATUE. 

WE have been able to catch a glimpse of Victory at last. The 
Guards' Memorial has made its first appearance in public. It had 
been so often announced, and had so olteu disappointed us, that we 
had begun to look upon it as a base impostor, or rather as a capital 
one. ft is really a statue after all, and no Bottle-Conjuror ; it is a 
positive substantiality, and no impossible cram. There you have three 
Guardsmen as big as life, and every one of them a man of metal that 
has already stood lire, and would not mind doing it again. Whilst we 
are about it, we may as well state, that the metal iu question is BELL- 
metal, which will account for the composition taking so much higher a 
tone than Metropolitan statues generally do. 

Above these soldiers stands the figure of Victory; and, in point of 
execution, she is fairly entitled to carry oif the palm though, to speak 
literally, 89010 one (but certainly not the DUKE OF YORK, tor he never 
came within a finger's touch of Victory) has carried it off for her ; for, 
though we looked into both her hands, we could not see a palm in 
either. On the contrary, she is carrying four crowns, like the 
immortelles that are sold outside a French cemetery. As there are 
only three soldiers below, we are puzzled to know for whom the fourth 
crown is intended, la it for the EARL OF CARDIGAN ? If so, it is a 



great shame that his noble figure has not been introduced. There 
would have been room for him at the back, amongst that bouquet of 
guns. In truth, the effect might have been materially heightened by the 



U 



Kiuu, iu LIUI.II, nielli, uavc MOCII maici lauj uci^utciiru u* 

Ivirl licing made to look into the mouth of one of the cannons, 
would be a touching reminiscence of Balaldava. 

We do not altogether like the look of Vietory. She is not so bright 
and smiling aa we should wish to have seen her. She looks u if she 
had been nibbed all over with black lead. Has she been mourning in 
ashes for the few results that have grown out of the Crimean \\.ir- 
or has it been the fierceness of the (ire that has giren her that dingy, 
smoke-dried look ? 

The drapery is remarkably good ; in truth, for the last few months 
we have been thinking that t here was a great deal too much drapery 
about her, for it completely concealed the li I statue looks 

much better since it has thrown off that remarkably dirty duster, 
reminding us of Hi. < wrappers that they hang in front of tin- 

boxes the last thing at night in a theatre. As we are inside a play- 
house, we may as well state, that we think Victory is stretching her 
arms out a little too much in the style of a theatrical king, muttering 
in Kllistoniau pompousness, " Bless ye, my people ! " 

All things considered, we fancy the Guards' Memorial has made 
rather a happy debut. If not a great success, it is far from being a 
failure. It is no worse, and perhaps it is a trifle better, than I'M- 
many statuesque caricatures that, in the name of art, are supposed to 
adorn our much-abused London. The truth is, that the English 
sculptors have always displayed suchacruel affection for the Metropolis, 
that it has been quite a spoilt child with them. 



" ART NOT THOTT VTLLIERS AND A MONTAGUE ? " 

The Living of Haughton-Io-Skerno has a population of 1000, an income of 1 ,900. 
It borders on Darlington, with a population of 16.000, and an ecclesiastical Income 
of 600, taut amprii. The Bishop of Durham, (late the Rv. MOMTAODI VILUKRX) 
was respectfully prayed by the Churchwardens of the Darlington parishes to 
take out of the superfluity of Haughton wherewithal to help satisfy the hunger ol 
Darlington. The Bishop declared he had already given the fat rectory to hia son- 
in-law. the Rnv. HB. CUHU, who has been three yean in orders Tkt Jawroait, 



Oh, MONTAGUE VILLIEHS MONTAGUS VILLIBM ! 
btraightest and smoothest of Low- Church pillars, 

Was it for this that SRAFTBSBCRY plucked you 
From the Slough of Despond of a London cure, 

In Durham's golden chair to induct you 
Piousest Preachingest Purest of pure ? 

Was't that the first fat living which fell 

Into those well-bred hands immaculate, 
Your stripling son-in-law's luck should swell 

And cause the churchwardens to ejaculate 
As this twenty-eight-year-old's name they spell 

" Our Bishop's really too anxious to please : 

When we ask him for bread, he gives us CREESE ! " 

Cheese! The mention of Cheese excites, 

As a general rule, the notion of mites ; 
But in Durham henceforth say the Church's backbiters- 

Folks will never see CHEESE without thinking of mires. 
Oh, Bishop ! if praises of men you sought, 

Which most of your kidney so tickle and please, 
If popularity you 'd have caught, 

You shouldn't have baited your trap with CHEESE. 

To your CHEESE'S merits you'll find a blindness, 

There'll be a bUhopped * flavour in Um, 
Be he made of the milk of human kindness, 

Or the sourest and smallest sectarian skim. 
This moral for all sucking Clergy I draw, 

Beware of Episcopal fathers-in-law ! 
Here "s one who to heart that moral should lay ; 

He '11 not find Haughton a chapel-of-ease, 
And be he what he may, the public will say, 

That your conduct is anything but the Cheete. 

In the Diocese or Durham boiled milk, which has been allowed to bum. It said 
to be "biahopped." _ 

The Ring and tbe Crou. 

MoNStEURL. N. DE LA GuERONHifcRB. in his Majesty's last pamphlet, 

writes, " Behind our Flag the Cross is always seen." Ma. T. SATERS, 

reading this, pleasingly observed to MB. J. MACE, He may well say 

hat, JIM. Most of these here French fights is a cross." MR. MACB 

assented, with a gesture of much contempt for the French avowal. 

PAINFUL BEREAVEMENT. EUGENE SCRIBE is dead. The Members 
f our Dramatic Authors' Association are as well as can be expected ! 



90 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 2, 1861. 




First Undergraduate. " Hi ! FBANK ! HERE 's A GATE ! " 

Second Undergraduate. " GATE ! I DIDN'T PAY Two GUINEAS TO GO THROUGH GATES, WITH SUCH LOVELY POSTS AND RAILS BEFORE ME ! " 



CRINOLINE AND ITS VICTIMS. 

NOTWITHSTANDING all (hat Punch has said upon the subject, the 
accidents from Crinoline are, it would seem, upon the increase. Half 
a score at least have occurred through fire since Christmas, and several 
others we could cite have taken place from other causes. One of the 
last we saw reported was occasioned by a dress being caught up by a 
cabwheel, while the wearer was crossing a street at the West End. 
Here the victim was so fortunate as to escape with merely a bad frac- 
ture of her leg; but in most cases the sufferers have lost their life by 
their absurdity in wearing the wide dresses which are now accounted 
fashionable. 

Now, unless there be a wish to decrease the population, it clearly is 
high time that such mishaps should be prevented. We cannot as a 
Christian people allow our wives and daughters to sacriQce themselves 
before the Juggernaut of Fashion, without labouring our utmost that 
the idol be displaced. As Parliament has no other Reform Bill on 
its hands, we think it would do well to pass a measure for reforming 
the wide dresses of the ladies, and for reducing their extravagant and 
perilous proportions. Dangerous they are, not merely to their wearers, 
but to any one who chances to come in contiguity. We ourselves 
being unhappily of genteel and slender stature, have more than once 
been brushed, like a cobweb, off the pavement, by the passing of a pet- 
ticoat preposterous in width ; and how many accidents have happened 
m ball-rooms and in boats, it would tire out all the wranglers in 
Cambridge to sum up. 

'Excess of apparel" is no new thing to preach against. Plenty of 
homilies have, we know, been delivered on the subject, and Acts of 
Parliament have oftentimes been passed for the like end. A hundred 
and fifty years ago there was nearly the same outcry against hoops as 
there is now, and the Punches of the period the Spectator and the 
TO! i i~~ & g i d 8ervice in assisting to put the nuisance down. 
Whether Crinoline was worn in Classic ages we know not, but OVID 
tells us that 

" Pars minima eet ipsa puclla sui," 

and this seems strongly to confirm the supposition that it was. At 
any rate the nuisance, we have shown, is not a novel one ; and we are 



aware that in reverting to so old and stale a subject, we shall probably 
incur the wrath of many readers, who will sueeringly allege that we 
are hard up for a joke. But Crinoline is getting far too serious for 
joking. Broken legs and burning dresses are anything to our mind 
but provocative of jests. To petticoat government in moderation we 
submit, but we cannot go on suffering ourselves to be thrown down and 
trampled on, and run the risk of being run over whenever we walk out. 
We therefore hope that something will be done this session to place 
us on a safer footing than we have been, and to prevent our being 
swept about like rubbish in the streets. If there be any independent 
member in the House we mean one who has neither wife nor family 
to fear he would do the State some service by moving for a select 
committee on the subject, with the view of getting Government to 
take the matter up. As LORD PALMEHSTON has long been a favourite 
with the ladies, perhaps his powers of persuasion would incline their 
ears to reason, although we are aware it is the last thing in the world 
that a woman likes to listen to, and one that few men have the art to 
make her really heed. 



An Interlocutory Decision. 

THERE 's a frantic dispute 

And no end of a suit, 
As to who shall have charge of the MARQUIS OF BUTE : 

The deduction from which , 

Is that BUTE must be rich, 
And the lawyers are sure to get plenty of Loot. 



The Political Atmosphere in America. 

THK latest intelligence from New York tells us, that " a thick fog 
prevails." We fancy this "thick fog" prevails more or less all over 
the country. It is very clear, and it is the only thing that is clear, 
that politicians do not exactly see their way. However, let us hope, 
when the fog has cleared off, that the ground will be taken up by a 
speedy settlement of the Slacks. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MARCH 2, 1861. 




LOOKING INTO THE ACCOUNTS. 

JOHN BULL. "NOW, MY FRIEND, YOU TAKE A HOLIDAY FOR A SHORT TIME. I DON'T DOUBT YOUR HONESTY, 

BUT I WANT TO SEE HOW YOUR BOOKS STAND." 



MARCH 2, 1861.] 




OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



93 



ALLIGATORS IN TEARS. 

see that 'Louisiana 
has seceded from 
the American 1'nion 
in a manner ecju. lly 
disgusting and ridi- 
culous. Despatches 
from Baton Rouge 
contain the particu- 
, lars of this absurd 
; proceeding. The de- 
bate in the Conven- 
tion on the question 
of secession having 
closed, we are told, 
a vote was ordered, 
and: 

"The Galleries and 

o .bits were intensely 
c.'owded, and a d ath- 
i!/-o silence prv led. 
On the call of ti. roll, 
i ny members w re in 
bssn." 

Who were the 
weepers ? A nume- 
' rous minority in the 
Louisiana Conven- 
tion, bewailing the 
folly which the ma- 
jority was about to 
perpetrate? Not so; 
for i lie vote having 
been announced, the 
Ayes turned out to 
be 113, and the Nays 
17. The weeping 
members were there- 
fore Secessionists 
Slaveowners. Slave- 
drivers and about 

what then were these ruffians blubbering? We can 
only suppose either that their tears were those of 
maudlin mournfulness, or drunkenness, or proceeded 
from the fountain of doleful hypocrisy. That the 
latter was the source of these crocodiles or alligators' 
tears, is very decidedly indicated by what follows : 

" CAPT. ALLEN then entered the Convention with a Pelican flag, accompanied by GOVERNOR 
MOORE and staff, and put the flag in tho hauda of the President, amid tremendous excitement. 
"A solemn prayer was then offered, and a hundred guns fired." 

Having agreed in an act of treason towards their common country, in pursuance 
of a brutal determination to persist in oppressing their fellow-men ; having 
renounced their allegiance to the American Union, to the intent of persevering in 
the violation of their duty towards their neighbour, these snivelling professors of a 
rascally piety go down on their knees aud pray. Hideous devotion f Praying and 
weeping as they were, surely every drop that trickled from their turned-up eyes 
down their suullliug noses, must nave looked black in the light of Heaven. Angelic 
chemistry has perhaps turned those tears to jet, and keeps them for. a curiosity. 
Unpleasant humbugs ! The odour of their sanctimony grievously offends the moral 
nose. 

The finishing touch to the character of these brutes is supplied by the following 
account of an atrocity narrated in a despatch dated at Washington : 

"Information was received by the Government this morning, from the Collector at New Orleans, 
statiuff that tho barracks about two miles below Now Orleans, now occupied aa a Marine Hospital, 
were taken (Kiwession of on tho llth instant by CAPTAIN BRADFORD, oftlio State Infantry, in the 
name of the State of Louisiana. There wero 21t} invalids and convalescent patients in the hospital 
at the tiuio it was seized. The collector of customs was required to immediately remove the 
patients who were convalescent, and those who were confined to their beds, as soon as practicable. 
This action is regarded by tho Government aa most outrageous and inhuman." 

The hospital was seized, and the patients were turned out of it in order that it 
might be occupied as a barrack by the State troops of Louisiana, levied on behalf 
of slavery aud rebellion. SECRETARY Dix denounces this deed as " an act of out- 
rageous barbarity, disgraceful to any age or country." But what are the savage 
secessionist slaveowners of Louisiana but barbarians ? Inhumanity after all is 
inhumanity, aud equally with benevolence knows no distinction of colour, ilerci- 
lessness to black slaves is simply consistent with cruelty to white sufferers. The 
expulsion of the patients from the Marine Hospital is an achievement worthy of 
such soldiers as the troops of Louisiana. We hope it will prove their crowning 
exploit ; for it is meet to be, and they are not very likely to distinguish themselves 
much by performing any other more creditable. 

In one of the above extracts, a CAPTAIN ALLEN is described as doing a bit of 
pantomime with a " Pelican Hag." The pelican depicted on this flag was perhaps 
what heralds call a "Pelican in her Piety;" a pelican pecking her breast to feed 
her yomig with the contents of her own veins and arteries. The piety of the 



pelican, however, has no resemblance to that of the pietists 
of the Louisiana Convention. The pelican does not howl 
and cry, and pray for protection and preservation in injustice 
and wickedness. The pelican is said to bleed her own 
bosom ; but the onlv blood ever shed by such fellows as 
those whose standard is the " Pelican flag," is that which 
is spilt in murderous brawls, or that which is drawn by 
cowhides from the lacerated human back. 



HUBBARD'S APPEAL. 

O GLADSTONE, born to affluence, 

Hadst t.hou thy bread to earn, 
Of rents from earnings, how immense 

The difference thou wouldst learn ! 
Wert thou compelled by industry 

To win each daily meal, 
That which thy conscience fails to ee, 

Thy consciousness would feel. 

With wife and children to support, 

All beggared shouldst thou die : 
Should thy employment e'er fall snort, 

The Workhouse in thine eye : 
Thou wouldst perceive the truth, ignored, 

By thee, a wealthy man. 
Precarious income can't afford 

What certain income can. 

The tax that takes from both alike 

Would move thy own disgust. 
Thee, when it wronged thyself, 'twould strike 

As monstrously unjust. 
The difference thou wouldst comprehend, 

Denied by fool and knave, 
Between the means a man may spend, 

And those he ought to save. 

Great, when the savings, which should make 

Provision for thine age,- 
The tax-collector came to take, 

Would be thy manly rage ! 
Injustice, thou would'st then discern, 

Thy craft defied to flee; 
And what would be thine own return, 

Then, under Schedule D ? 



ECCLESIASTICAL SWAINS. 

THE Rural Deans have taken a very prominent part in 
petitioning against the total abolition of Church-Kates. 
These little taxes appear to be quite an element in rural 
felicity. The fondness for them manifested by the Rural 
Deans invests them with a pleasing rurality. We connect 
them with flocks and herds. There are flocks of sheep, 
and there are flocks of geese. Sheep are sheared ; geese 
are plucked : and the operations of sheep-shearing and 
goose-plucking are naturally associated with the levy of 
Church-Rates. There.are herds of cattle, which suffer them- 
selves to be milked, aud their milk affords cream, out of 
which is made butter, wherewith the bread of fat 
pluralists is buttered on both sides. There are also herds 
of swine, that grunt and grumble, and may be supposed by 
Rural Deans to express dissent, but such dissenters repre- 
sent rather a class of farmers who dissent from any and 
every doctrine which demands their money. All these 
rural ideas are associated with Church-Rites by reason 
that the cudgel has been so generally taken up for them 
by Rural Deans. If the Rural Deans were only Rural 
Bishops, the RIGHT RAVEKBND Cpuu, and LUBIN, and 
CORYDON, and other shepherds, might not only wield an 
oaken staff with a hook for crosier, by hook and crook, 
as it were, to maintain those ecclesiastical demands, but 
also sing the necessity of them in genuine pastorals. The 
Rural Deans should provide.themsclves with Pandean pipes, 
on which, if Church-Rates are abolished, they may suitably 
whistle for them. 



THE MODERN CHESTERFIELD. 

WHAT would you wish a tobacconist on his birthday ? 
Why you stupid, what could you wish him but " Many 
happy returns ? " 



94 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




[MARCH 2, 1861. 





SCENE-PITT'S STATUE, HANOVER SQUARE. 

STREET BOY. " M , D, double C, We, I What does that mean ? " 

STREET BOY, No. 2. " Why, one o' our Rooshan Wictories this 'ere General won in the 
Crimea, stupid / Nobody can't pronounce the name." 



AN EVIDENT MISPRINT. 

WHO could drink "a bottle of hay P " It would be precious dry stuff, we should imagine, 
that no one would think of touching, unless he had the constitution of a horse. Besides, 
where would you keep your stock? Not in the cellar, but in the hayloft, we suppose? 
or would one have to send down to the Haymarket, supposing any friend, who had a turn for 
dry humour, called for "a bottle of hay." As for ourselves, we do not believe in any such 
vintage as would require a pitchfork to open it instead of a corkscrew. We fancy it is a 
misprint. M e suspect it was originally " a bottle of A'i," meaning the celebrated Champagne 
of that name ; and that by some desperate Cockney continually bawling out, " Here, waiter, 
bring me another Bottle of Hai," the term gradually got corrupted into its present use. It 
is simply used in the form of chaff. 

THE REAL ALCOHOLIC TEST. Drunkenness. 



A NEW VERSION OF MOTHER 
IIUBBAED. 

(^Respectfully dedicated to the CHANCELLOR or 

THE EXCHEQUER and, the Select Committee 

on Income-Tax.) 

GOVERNOR HUBBARD 
He left the Bank -cupboard 

To pick with glib GLADSTONE a bone ; 
But the bone was so bare, 
So GLADSTONE did swear, 

That the House had best leave it alone. 

He went into PALEY 

To get him some prosing; 
But when he came back, 

There was GLADSTONE a dozing. 

He went to Old COCKER 

To get him some figures ; 
But when he came back, 

There was GLADSTONE in sniggers. 

He went to B. OSBORNE'S 

To get him some jeers ; 
But when he came back, 

There was GLADSTONE at sneers. 

He went to the House : 

To get a Committee ; 
But wiien he came back, 

There was GLADSTONE sans pity. 

He went to the Schedules 

To get a strong case ; 
But when he came back, 

GLADSTONE still kept his face. 

He went to the tea-room 

To catch a cup flying ; 
And when he came back. 

There was GLADSTONE white-lying. 

He went to the Blue-books 

To get a reply ; 
But when he came back, 

There was GLADSTONE sky-high. 

He went to the Lobby 

To get a division ; 
And when he came back, 

GLADSTONE grinned iu derision. 

He went to the table 

To get him a tale ; 
And when he came back, 

There was GLADSTONE quite pale. 

For 'twas found when the votes 

The tellers had reckoned, 
That HUBBARD stood first, 

And GLADSTONE stood second. 

HUBBARD he made a court'sy, 

GLADSTONE he made a bow ; 
HUBBARD said, " How d" ye feel P " 

GLADSTONE answered, " Bow-wow ! " 



A Consuming Extravagance. 

WE know a friend of ours, a confirmed young 
RALEIGH, who, like Vesuvius, has always got 
either fire or smoke at his mouth ; but he com- 
plains fearfully of the expense. He says smoking 
will burn a hole in a bank-note in no time : his 
only regret is, that a cigar does not, as soon as 
it is consumed, rise again like a Phoenix from its 
own ashes ! 

PROCRASTINATION is THE THIEF or TALENT. 
INSCRIPTION POR THE REVERSE OF CERTAIN 
INDIAN PMZB MONET. Delhis are Dangerous. 



MARCH 2, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



95 







SNOOKS HAS JOINED A MOUNTED CORPS. 



Snooks, " SPLENDID CRBECHUR AIN'T HE ? BLESS YOU, HE 's A PERFECT BROKE CHARGER. WAS in THE HORSE GUARDS ONCE. 

YOU SHOULD SEE HIM IN HIS ACCOUTREMENTS. OOES IS HARNESS TOO, I RELIEVE ! " 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

February 18, Monday. The Roll of the Lords has been made up, for 
the present Session, and it shows that our Upper Chamber contains, or 
rather ought to contain, 1 Prince, 1 King, 27 Dukes, 35 Marquises, 
170 Earls, 31 Viscounts, and 102 Barons, altogether 457 Nobles. But 
it seems that, strong as the noble company is, it is " unfashionable to 
attend the House of Lords," and when the LORD CHANCELLOR took 
his seat to-night there were 7 Peers present. At no time were there 
more than 30 noble Articles furnishing the chamber. LORD PUNCH may 
take occasion to attend, one of these nights, and may have something 
to say about the absentees. The Select Vestry had nothing very 
interesting before it. except a little discussion on the short-comings of 
the other Select Vestry called the Board of Works, which REX 
THTFAITES defended, in a letter of regal hauteur. 

The Commons went to work in Committee on the Bankruptcy Bill, 
which was also discussed on pther nights. Much progress was made. 
The grand feature of the Bill, the abolishing the difference in the 
position 9f the Trader and the Non-Trader, fills the world of non- 
traders with a non-unreasonable terror. A whole phalanx of lawyers 
declares that as the Bill stands, a man has but to shut up his house, 
and be off for a tour to Switzerland, without paying up his tailor (and 
who, Mr. Punch indignantly asks, pays his tailor in August, or at any 
other time, if he can help it P ), and when that Swiss traveller 
returns home he will find himself a Bankrupt. The law must 
be a little modified, so as to prevent any such catastrophes. 
Mr. Punch suggests that if a Swell affixes an accurately spelt, 
notice on his street-door, after the fashion in the Temple and 
other law colonies, saying " Gone to the Pyramids. Return one 
of these days" such notice shall bar all proceedings under the new 
Act, and this practical suggestion is hereby placed at the disposal of 
SIR RICHARD. The Parochial Assessments Bill was read a Second 
Time, and MR. HENLEY said that, the measure was beginning to excite 
some attention in the country. By the time it has passed, therefore, 
the country will, it is hoped, have awakened to a consideration of the 



question whether the Bill was wanted or not. MR. HENLEY seemed 
alarmed at the power the Bill gives to county boards to order maps, 
because some counties might like their maps made on a very large 
scale indeed. But as, by the new Electro-Block process, Mr. Punch 
understands that an object no larger than VISCOUNT WILLIAXS'S views 
can be expanded with the utmost facility until it is almost as great as 
Mr. Punch's own reputation, the cost of maps need not frighten 
MR. HENLEY. 

Tuesday. This was a diet notanda cretd alba, or, at least, a large 
chalk-mark was made all down MR. GLADSTONE'S back. MR. JOHN 
GELLIBRAND HUBBARD, Member for Buckingham, and a Conservative, 
boiled over about the Income-Tax. He brought forward a motion for 
a Select Committee to sit in judgment upon the Tax, and to inquire 
whether it could not be more equitably levied. MR. GLADSTONE, of 
course, being " a pot that is soon hot, also boiled over, on his own 
account, and resisted the motion, and was especially indignant at MR. 
HUBBARD'S supporting the view that precarious incomes ought not 
to be taxed in the same way as those derived from fixed sources. MR. 
WHALLEY curiously proposed to assimilate the Tax to the Poor- 
Rate ; but as we shall all be upon the Poor-Rate if taxation on the 
Gladstonian principle proceeds much further, this suggestion seems a 
mockery. MR. GBLLIBRAND HUBBARD was not to be put down, and, 
on division, he beat the Ministers by 131 to 127 ; and MR. JOHN BULL, 
like a sensible commercial man, resolves to make hia clerk GLADSTONE 
take a holiday, and meantime MR. BULL means to examine his own 
hooks for himself. The Tax will be gellibranded with the mark of 
infamy, and whether MR. GELLIBRAVD likes jejly, brandy, or both 
together, he is hereby authorised to go and treat himself at the expense 
of Mr. Punch. 

The Lords treated themselves to a China debate, originated by 
EARL GREY, who proved, to his own satisfaction, that everything, 
pacific or bellicose, which we have done in China, has been done 
wrongly, and LORD ELLENBORODGH was much of the same opinion. 
LORD WODBHODSE did the defensive for Government. 

In the Commons, MR. LOCKE KING was allowed to introduce a Bill 



96 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 2, 1861. 



for lowering the county franchise to 10, and MR. BAINES was allowed 
to bring in another Bill for lowering the borough franchise to 6. 
Now these two measures together make rather a large Reform Bill, 
and the conduct of Parliament in declining to have one whole Reform 
Bill, but taking it in two pieces, reminds l/r. Punch of a celebrated 
story by the late lamented KEVRREND MR STEKNB. That clergyman 
(who, by the way, wrote better English than DK. VILLIEKS, and other 
priests of the present day), relates that two holy nuns were driving a 
mule that ought to have drawn their vehicle from the convent 10 a 
certain shrine. But the mule, finding that he had only two gentle 
ladies behind him instead of a slashing swearing driver, basely stuck 
fast, and would not move. The young ladies tried every means to get 
him on in vain. At last it occurred to them that the beast had been 
in the haoit of being urged on by bad language, and would not 
move unless a naughty word were used to him. Somehow, convent- 
bred though they were, the pretty creatures happened to know one 
naughty word, Mr. Punch does not know one, but it is suggested to him 
that it may have been " Devil." But of course the girls were not going 
to commit the sin of saying this, and a bright thought struck them. 
" Let us divide the word," said the holy CONSTANTIA to the holyEMiMA, 
"and then there will be no sin, as neither will have said the word." 
So "De," cried the sweet voice of EMILIA, "Vil," cried the sweet 
voice of CONSTANTIA, and on, let us hope, went the mule. Divide the 
word, says Parliament, let MH. KING say "Re," and let MR. BAINES 
say "Form," and on we go. However, though neither LORD PAL- 
MERSTON nor MR. DISRAELI showed fight, they gave no promise not to 
fight hereafter, and the PREMIER declared that this was not a time for 
action, but for "waiting." Perhaps he is right, and if we wait for the 
waggon we shall all have a ride. 

SIR MORTON PETO brought in a Bill for providing for the better 
interment of Dissenters. It was not opposed, and indeed we believe 
that in the excess of his liberality, Mu. NEIVDEGATE said that he 
should be happy to see them all buried. SIR M. PETO is building 
largely at Southend, which looks as if he had a design for burying his 
co-religionists alive. 

Wednesday. Divers people in Southwark, sent by MR. LOCKE, a 
petition for Reform. Mr. Punch particularly recommends them to look at 
home, and make their own district decent before they begin to complain 
of other people. He had the misfortune to be in Southwark twice 
this week, and the foul state of the streets made him regret that he had 
permitted his friend Mil. LAYARD to stand for a place "where you stand 
ancle-deep in mud. And apropos of this, Mr. Punch observes that 
the REVEREND MR. SPUHGEON has been alluding to Air. P., and 
thanking him, respectfully enough, for putting in MR. LAYARD. This 
is all very well, but if Southwark thinks that because she did her duty 
on one occasion, she may neglect it afterwards, she is as much mistaken 
as ever was a slatternly maid-servant, who, because she is kind to the 
children, thinks that she may be saucy to her mistress, and take five- 
and-twenty minutes in fetching the supper beer. Tp-day MR. HAD- 
FIELD moved the Second Reading of a Bill for getting rid of the declara- 
tion which office-holders under the Crown I ave to make, namely that 
they will do nothing to injure the Church of England. MB. NEWDE- 
GATE thought that this was a safeguard of the Church, but SIR G. 
LEWIS, who is not troubled with too much faith in superstitions, said 
that such a safe-guard was ideal and fanciful. Battle was given, and 
the Bill read a Second Time by 93 to 80. Who will move its strangula- 
tion in the Lords? The Dissenters are winning the tricks at the 
beginning of the game a Bill for letting them in to manage schools 
that were endowed before Dissent was invented, was read a Second Time, 
by 164 to 157. MR. DILLWYN seemed to think that all such arrange- 
ments should follow the changes of opinion. "The blasphemy of one 
age is the religion of another, wrote a philosopher. 

Thursday. LORD STRATHEDEN, son of the Chancellor, made a neat 
little reform speech, and a neat little Latin quotation, which has been 
heard of once or twice before, like his Papa's historical blunders. 

In the Commons, a Catholic nobleman, who some time ago did 
society the good service of saying a rich heiress from a gang of greedy 
priests, did a less wise thing in asking LORD JOHN RTJSSELL to inter- 
pose with the KING OP ITALY in behalf of the scoundrels, who, hired 
by Rome, are still committing crimes in the South. LORD JOHN, 
with becoming indignation, told LORD EDTVARD HOWARD that it was 
not the Sardinians who had practised cruelties in the late war, but that 
when ruffians were taken in arms, the best way to deal with them is the 
shortest. The rancour of the priest-party, 'just now, against Italian 
freedom, would be amusing were it not pitiable. But Italy may say 
to that crawling venomous party, in SHELLEY'S words : 

" Well, if thou wilt^aa 'tis the destiny 
Of troddeu worms to writUe till they be dead, 
Put forth thy might." 

Friday. LORD HERBERT made a clean breast of it about the Tippe- 
rary Artillery. The fact was that he had seen some 800 fine fellows, 
and wanted to grab them for the Service. In his eagerness, he offered 
them what it was not in his power to give ; and as soon as he found 
out the state of the case, he put an end to the bargain. How much 



better this sort of frankness is than the usual military mystification 
anri bluster. No doubt, tl e toadies at the Horse Guards are quite 
innignant with the Secretary and the Duke for not telling some ' 
risrnarole story, with a bit ot the Army List, and a quotation fr< m the 
DUKE OP WELLINGTON in it, and winding up with a wish that, if 
noblemen are expected to do the work of the country, they might at 
least be freed from the impertinent control of civilians and anonymous 
writers in journals. 

Heaps of small matters came up in the Commons, but Mr. Punch, 
on boilinsr them down, finds very little at the bottom of his saucepan. 
MR. MONCKTON MILXES obtained leave to bring in a Bill for allowing 
EDWIN to marry the sister of his departed ANGELINA, and as the 
parsons have crotchets on the subject, it is proposed that a marriage 
belor a registrar shall answer the purpose. MR. WALPOLE promised to 
oppose the Bill on rational grounds, and not with texts, which is some- 
thing gained ; and MR. SCULLY said that having obtained the opinion 
of the ladies of Ireland, which was against the Bill, he would, before 
the next, reading, descend among the lower classes, and ascertain what 
they thought of the measure, an undertaking which gave great satis- 
faction to the House. 



A GLUT OF HEROES, 

HIFWRECKS caused by the 
violent gales and storms that 
have been prevailing ever 
since the commencement of 
the year, afford too much 
confirmation to the proverb 
which says, that misfortunes 
never come single. But 
whilst those calamities have 
been coming in a crowd, 
they have been accompanied 
by a corresponding multitude 
of compensating facts. On 
the one hand, you cannot 
open a newspaper without 
being harrowed by an ac- 
count of a shipwreck ; on the 
other, without being gratified 
by the notice of an act of 
heroism, consisting in the 
rescue of shipwrecked suf- 
erers, and performed in the 
face of imminent danger, by 
the crew of a life-boat. 
Great rogues turn up with a 
frequency which explains 
the popular comparison, "as 
thick as thieves." But 
gallant fellows come out in greater numbers both simultaneously and 
in succession. "HEROISM" is even a commoner heading in the 
journals than "EMBEZZLEMENT" or "DEFALCATION." These remarks 
are intended to redound to the honour of the brave seamen who have 
furnished such ample occasion for them, and also to the credit of the 
National Life-boat Institution, which, in consideration of those tre- 
mendous gales of wind that the tight little vessels constructed by it 
are capable of weathering, must be acknowledged to deserve the 
utmost advantage it can derive from the most favourable puff. 




A RATTLING GAME. 

THE Americans con^.ue pleasure with business in an admirable way. 
They appear completely to make a game of politics. With them, 
public life is a beautiful mixture of work and play. This is the way 
they have been amusing themselves lately in California : 

" California was strong for the Union, Their Assembly had failed to elect a 
President after 72 ballots." 

If they had been playing a game of backgammon, these Californian 
M.P.s could not have rattled the box more merrily. The Assembly 
does not seem, however, to have gained much by its play, for the only 
result as yet of all its throwing for a President has simply been to 
throw him over. We have heard of the " Hero of a Hundred Fights ; " 
but we think the above President, when he is elected and he promises 
in time to be the "Hero "of a Hundred Ballots" will be even a 
greater Hero than he ; for it is very clear, before he has gone safe 
through the fire, that he will have been exposed to an infinitely greater 
number of balls. 

A NOTICE OJP MOTION. "All right! Go on, BILL!" Omnibus 
Conductor. 



MADOH 9, 18C1.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



97 




"A CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY TO 
BE WISHED." 

ABOLITION of Church. lutes ! 

1 wish we could get it 
But. Church rating '9 a habit, 

And who can upset . 

There 's Broad-Church rates narrow, 
High-Church rates Low brother 

The Guardian and Record, 
Are rating each other. 

There's Exeter Hall 

Kates Turks, Papists and Jews ; 
Convocation is rating 

IV Esiays and Review. 

The Church rates the Chapel, 

The Chapel the Church- 
Till seekers for Truth 

Get perplexed in the search. 

And meaa'ring the value 

Of things by their rarity, 
Cry " less of Church rating. 

And more of Church charity." 



NEW LEATHERS, TOO! 



Jones (very jMrlicular man}. 



'H'M ! Tnis COMES OF BRINOIHO DOWN A BOTTLE OF HUNTING 
VARNISH FOB A FRIEND ! " 



Sir W. Goodenough Hayter, H.F. 
Tkt Right iron in tht RigU Place. 

APROPOS of the " Patronage Secretary," ob- 
served a scrupulous M.P. to BERNAL OSIIORNE, 
" I can't understand how you contrive to fill up 
the place. One would think everybody.would be 
either too good, or too bad for it." 

" Exactly." said BERNAL. " That ' precisely 
the reason HATTER was the one man for the 
work. He was " good enough." 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

FEBRUARY 25. Monday. The Census of the Lords states that there 
were seven of them present when JOHN LORD CAMPBELL took his seat, 
but Mr. Punch's threat has terrified the Peers, for at one time t here 
were sixty-seven. This is better, but where were the others ? LORD 
STRATFORD DE IlEpcLipFE entered into the Syrian question, on which 
he wanted information, but LORD WODEHODSE declined to give him 
any, on the ground that a Conference on the question was being held 
in Paris. He was, however, happy to say that the Turkish Govern- 
ment had been very energetic in punishing the Druses, though the 
Christians had shown themselves a little unworthy of the protection 
they had received, for as soon as the presence of troops had made them 
safe, they had massacred 136 persons, of whom 25 were women and 
86 children. But the lay Christians were milk-and-w&ter people, com- 
pared to the priesthood, the bishops having demanded the execution of 
4,500 out of 11,000 Druses, and upon being requested to revise their 
lit.tle butcher's bill, had sent in a new claim for 1,200 lives. LORD 
WODEHOTJSE urged, therefore, that it was difficult to meet the views 
of Oriental Christianity. 

The Commons worked away at the Bankruptcy Bill, and some very 
sensible things were said by various people. The ATTORNEY-GENERAL 
strongly condemned the conduct of rascals who give unlimited credit 
to young men, and lead them into extravagance and profligacy, because 
one day they will come into property, and he explained that he had no 
idea of doing anything for such creditors. The merciful principle that 
when a man has given up all that he has to his ci editors, be shall be 
free for a fresh start in life, unmolested by old claims, was strongly 
insisted on. The Committee had knocked off nearly 2UO clauses before 
rising. The Bill for bestowing the forfeited seats was read a Second 
Time, MR. BAXTER claiming a Member for the Scottish Universities, 
MR. BENTINCK protesting against there being any more Metropolitan 
Members, who were an Inconvenience to the House, MR, PEACOCK 
proposing that the new Members should be elected by the working 
classes, MR. BLACKBURN ridiculing Chelsea and Kensington as places 
where they grew only cauliflowers and asparagus, and various other Mem- 
bers contradicting and abusing one another. The carrying the Second 
Heading did not commit the House to the appropriation of the seats. 

Tuesday. The Bisnor OF OXFORD moved the Second Readings of two 
Bills, designed for the protection of feuale purity among the numbler 
classes; but both Bills were pooh-poohed out of the House by the 
LORD CHANCELLOR, Keeper of the Queen's conscience, and by LORD 
GRANVILLE, President of the Council. 

VOL. JL. ] 



MR. Tou DOXCOMBE gave notice, that when the Census shall hare 
been taken, he shall move the House upon the question of Reform. 
Had not the Numerators better be told to append to the Census papers 
this question for the Head of the Family" What is the opinion of 
yourself, MRS CAPTJT, ARAMINTA, JDLIA, CHARLES^OMMT, and BABY 
upon the British Constitution P " SIK C..Woop being asked, when the 
Delhi and Lucknow prize-money would be distributed, replied, "As 
soon as the Rolls have been sent from India." A very proper answer, 
as many of the poor soldiers are really in want of bread. 

Cavalry and Artillery officers object to feed their horses, or rather 
want to saddle the country with the expense of feeding their chargers. 
The swell officers in the House of course severally intimated in the 
most throaty manner that it was a oust iuf something shan.e to make 
fellahs pay a a eight-pence ha'peny a day for their Horses ; but MR. 
FREDERICK PEEL was unconvinced by throatiness, and reminded the 
gallant parties that they bad been good enough to accept their com- 
missions and pay upon the understanding that this deduction was to 
be made, and MR. BERNAL OSBORNE made some good fun at the 
expense of the poor Cavalry officers who wanted "relief" out of the 
money of the tax-payers. The House eliminated the horsey proposition 
by 213 to 56. 

MB, HODOKTNSON brought in a Bill for preventing Frivolous De- 
fences to Actions for recovery of small debts. The SOLICITOB-GBNE- 
RAL promised to see whether the measure were harmless. It seems 
rather foolish, for it proposes that a debtor shall not defend until he 
has made an affidavit that he has a good defence. A man who will 
make a fraudulent defence will generally make a false affidavit, and 
besides, if he happens to have any conscience, his attorney will remove 
his scruples by assuring him that the affidavit is mere matter of form, 
and indeed, n^re reasonably, by asking him how he knows whether a 
defence is or is not good in law. Why, judges defend the plea of 
" Not Guilty," on the ground that an ignorant criminal does not know 
whether he is properly charged. The measure seems to Mr. Punch 
as calculated to increase attorney's costs, and when he hears of a B 
of that kind he involuntarily bursts out into exquisite song, with words 
that MADAME VESTHIS as Do* Giovanni used to deliver so brilliantly 
some years ago. Mr. Punch remembers the words, because in those 
days singers sang words, instead of making noises in imitation of 
musical instruments : 

" I saw by the wigs tint to gaefally cnrled, 

Ml .town their lank cheek, that they wanted a Fee, 
And I aaid. if I bad but a pound in the world. 
Those demons of lawyeri would take it from me." 



98 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 0, 1861. 



MR. CAVE made an excellent speech on the Slave Trade, showing (he 
failure of our endeavours to put, it. down, and urging that we ought to 
promote free immigration, especially from China, into the West India 
Colonies. LORDS JOHN RUSSELL and PALMERSTON were animated in 
their replies, and dcnounct-d both the American and the Spanish 
Government, LORD JOHN staling that in answer to the petulance of 
the former, he had assured MR. BUCHANAN that no diplomatic imper- 
tinences should prevent the Engli>h minister from protesting against, 
humbug in the matter, and the PREMIER, characterising the conduct of ! 
Spain as pn fligate (cheers), sbameles-s (cheers), and disgraceful bad 
faith (cheers). He did not think immigration was a matter for Govern- 
ment interference. 

Wednesday is the Sunday of the House of Commons. That is, at, 
this Morning Sitting questions of a religious character, or connected 
with ecclesiastical matiers, are usunlly discussed. To-day came on the 
grand Church- liate battle. Both sides had whipped uncommonly hard, 
but " the wisdom of kindness " was strongly illustrated. Mr. Punch, 
and very likely many millions of his readers, may have seen m the win-' 
riows a print of two sweeps mounted on two jackasses, and racing. 
The loser is simply flogging, but the winner holds a few inches before 
his donkey's nose a bunch of tempting carrots, after which the creature 
struggles with an energy that defeats his coerced colleague. Well, 
the new Conservative Wliip did his duty like a man, and brought up his 
rank and tile exceedingly well ; but, the Liberal Whip had got the ques- 
tion fixed for a day in the evening of which 365 of his party were going 
to dine in honour of SIR WILLIAM HAYTER. So the carrots did the 
business, and after a short, smart debate, the best bits of which were 
an utterly irrt'evant speech of MR. BRIGHT'S against the selling tlie 
livings of live Parsons, and some curious discussions about, the famous 
Essays anrl Reviews, SIR JOHN TKELAWTSY carried the Second Reading 
of the Abo.ition Bill by 281 to 266, majority 15. Fifty more Members 
voted than came up to the same scratch last year ; the Church party 
(GLADSTONE and FRED. PEEL voting with them) had thirty-two more 
votes than last year ; ten Tories voted for the Bill, and ten Liberals 
against it, and the majority for the Bill, last year, was 9. These are 
! the Morning Star's statistics, and anybody who likes to boil them up 
with the aforesaid carrots is welcome to the result. 

The subsequent dinner to the ex-whip of nine years, SIR WILLIAM 
HAYTEH, deserves to be mentioned in Parliamentary history. PAM 
took the Chair; there was present a Member for every day in the 
year; a splendid testimonial was given to the genial ex-political Secre- 
tary, who, it used to be said, looked, in the House, like NAPOLEON 
with a tight boot upon his mind ; and the PREMIER made a capital 
speech, in which he attributed to SIR WILLIAM nearly all the virtues 
that, according to POPE, belonged to a divine of his days : 

*' To Berkeley, every virtue under heaven." 

Thursday. SANDYS SANDYS P LOED PUNCH seems to remember 
the name. O ts ts why, to be sure, M ARCUS HILL ! How are you, 
MARCUS ? Show him where to sit, FOLEY or you, SMITH our boy, 



LYVEDEN, we mean, as you have introduced him. Glad to see you, 
MARCUS! You'll have to learn to be bored, but not to-night, for 
DERBY 's up. 

A long speech from LORD DERBY, in which he dwelt, eloquently of 
course, upon the hardship inflicted on the labouring classes, by the 
perpetual cutting up of "low districts "in London, for the sake of 
making improvements. The wholesale demolitions contemplated by 
several railway companies furnished the immediate text. He also 
adverted to the way in which valuable public buildings were sacrificed 
for the same object, and specially mentioned the London Institution, 
which had beeii established by Act of Parliament, at a cost of 30,000, 
and contained a magnificent library, theatre, and reading-rooms, and 
had been for many years an invaluable boon to the inhabitants of 
Finsbury. This, with the pleasant circus, it, was proposed to remove 
for the sake of a railway that was to come from places where nobody 
lived to places where nobody wanted to go. LORD SHAJPTESBURY 
took 1 lie same side, and gave paiufnl pictures of the odious and 
demoralising overcrowding of the dwellings of the poor, in consequence 
of the destruction of so many of their homes. LOUD GRANVIU.E made 
the usual stereotype answer, that the matter must, be left to public 
opinion, that spending money did the poor good, that workmen ought 
to live out of town and come in by trains, but anyhow, Government 
could not interfere. Mr. Punch is, of course, with his Lordship, 
and will shortly introduce to the public a plan for making St. Paul's 
the central terminus of a railway system, whereby the rotunda and 
dome will be utilised. WisiLiNGTON, NKLSON, and others deposited 
there may still remain as ha ! ha! Sleep -rs ; and, the building being 
consecrated, victims of accidents may at once receive interment with- 
out extra charge or trouble. 

In the Commons, MR, CAIRD urged that a the last harvest had not 
been good, Ministers ought to he very economical, and in a Syrian 
debate MR. LAYARD made his first speech s-ioce his return, forcibly 
pointing out the impolicy of the mode in which Turkey is being treated, 
and the one-sided view which, for French purposes, Europe had been 
taught to take of the Lebanon disasters. 

To-night and next night were held debates of real importance on our 
Admiralty system, which does not appear to have much mended since 
the day when PEFYS recorded his having assisted at a Board, and 
added, "But, Lord, to see how like Fools we talked!" A Select 
Committee is to consider the whole system. 

Friday. LORD NORHANBY delivered a long and feeble speech, full of 
gossip and chatter, against the new regime in Italy, and he proved two 
things ; first, that his opinions* on the subject, are not worth a baiocco, 
and secondly, that the old fribble is immeasurably disgusted with a 
change which, has transformed into a land of freemen and soldiers 

" A laud of singing and of dancing slaves." 

The Commons Conversazione was very miscellaneous, but the only 
thing worth mention was a sort of comfortable impression gathered by 
Mr. Punch, rather than derived from any specific statement, that some- 
thing really will be done some day towards Embanking the Thames. 



CONFEDERATES AND UNITED STATESMEN. 

HE Convention of the 
six seceding Southern 
States, South Carolina, 
Georgia, Florida, Ala- 
bama, Mississippi, and 
Louisiana, assembled 
at Montgomery, Ala- 
bama, on the 9th ult., 
adopted a constitution 
of their own, which 
they have named " The 
C institution for the 
Provisional Govern- 
ment of the Confede- 
rate States of America. " 
The Southern Seces- 
sionists must be ad- 
mitted to be blest with 
at least the philosophi- 
cal virtue of self-know- 
ledge. They term their 
new league the " Con- 
federate States of Ame- 
rica." Tims they call 

themselves by what they doubtless feel to be their right name. They 
are confederates in the crime of upholding Slavery. A correct esti- 
mate of their moral position is manifest in that distinctive denomi- 
nation of theirs, " Confederate States." This title is a beautiful 
antithesis to that of the United States of America. The mote 
doggedly confederate slavemongers combine, the more firmly good 
republicans should unite. 




"CO-ERUPT PRACTICES." 

THE wife of an M.P. wishes devoutly that, "amongst the Parlia- 
mentary 'Corrupt Practices' that are to be reformed this Session, 
the practice ot keeping such very late hours may be slightly modified." 
It is abominable, she contends, to see a Legislator, who should set a 
proper example to others, coming home with the milk, just as the 
children are getting up. As they meet him on the staircase, going 
up to bed, what can the little dears possibly think of their Papa? 
The first government of a man, who professes to be a good patriot, 
should be his own home ; but how can he govern his home when he is 
absent from it both night and day ? At the time that all other houses 
are closed, the House of Commons is the only one that keeps open; 
and she maintains that it isn't respectable. It ought never to close 
later than ten minutes after the Opera, and then a Member's wife 
could call for her husband and take him home. 



A Good Licking. 

THE height, or depth, of profane adulation was surely arrived at by 
the French Senate in the antithesis presented by the following extract 
from their address to their Imperial master : 

" It was a. fine day that on which, in the centre of the restored Cathedral, were 
heard the Te Ucit;;i for the Lord, and the Doniine Salvum fur thu " 



Louis NAPOLEON smokes. In the presence of his Senators he will 
never want a spittoon. 

THE PRICE OF CHEESE. 

THE BISHOP or DURHAM will henceforth be stjled The Right 
Reverend Father-ia-LA\v. 



D, l61.j 



PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHAHIV 



A SHAVE FOR THE SOLDIER. 







of I he service as destined to take place on the anniversary of All Fools. 



- KD is an an- 
nouncement which lias 
l> i n made on the best 
authority: 



"Ta GIUKW. W hoar 
it mentions! u moat pro- 
bable that MAJoR-OmuL 
fmiTrmj, lute of the Gre- 
nadier Uiurdi. will raocead 
to the cunmiunil of the Bri- 
gade of Giurdii which will 
be vacated by LO*D o*^ 
on tho 1st of April next." 

The First 9f April is 
a day on which 
peeling juvenile inno- 
cence is wont to be de- 
spatched, by the prac- 
tui'il jocularity of acMoi- 
fellows, on errand* for 
tin; purchase of thuse 
nary commodities, 
"strap-oil" and "pi- 
geon's milk." It my 
be feared that tfce 
ab!>ve-quot.ed paragraph 
is the inveiitio-i ot reck- 
less waggery; and, with 
the wisdom which has 
been purchased by ex- 
perience, Un serious 
portion of the British 
Army will no doubt 
hesitate in accept in? ii 
statement representing 
important changes in 
the highest branches i 



!ii;ruKML\G Tin-; JIKI-OKMKI:. 

(Improved from " Origmtl Poems for lf t ,nt Mindi.") 

O, WHO 'LL come and play Agitation with me, 

My COBDEN has left me ai. 
Industrious Working men, won't you be Free? 

Let us get up a row of our own. 

O no. MR. BRIGHT, Sir, we can't come indeed, 

We 've no time to idle away ; 
We 've got all our dear little children to feed, 

And can do it, we're happy to tay. 

Small Tradesmen, don't stick to beef, candle*, and Hour, 

But kick up a row iih me, do; 
Those grubs will not fisht fir political power. 

But say, thinking mtn, will not you? 

no, ME. BRIGHT, Sir, for do you not gee 
By our shops we're enabled to thrive ; 

The way to get on is to work like a bee, 
And always be storing the hive. 

Intelligent Middle-clan, rise at. the blast 
Of toe trumpet of Freedom I play : 

1 fcope I skall find a disciple at list, 

You are not so by as they. 

no, MR. BRIGHT, Sir, we shan't come to yom, 

We 're not made to cry but to labour ; 
We always have something or other to do 

If not for oneself, for a neighbour. 

What then, they're all busy and happy but me, 

And I 'm bawling here like a dunce : 
O then I'll be off to where Members should bf, 

And attend to mjr business at once. 

[And, my dears, being a strong out cltoer boy. he 
ran down to his place of bmixut, and helped 
to move and carry several things that mere 
wanted in the Home. 



NOSE AND EAR IN HARMONY. 
THE following paragraph appears in a contemporary : 

"A NOVKLTY lx TMITATIVK HAKMONV. After having introduced the Champagne 

G;)lop, tho Ki !<; Show Quadrille, and otln.T i]i>t -ii.tive dance 

re sound*. M. MISARD produced on Wednesday 

"Sweet Briar," during which MK. 

HiMMm, tho well-known juji lunier of the Strand, diflimd tlie scent of that flower 
by means of the now process he has already employed for perfuming the Lyceum 
Theatre." 

Thus, whilst the ears arc regaled by M. MUBARB, MR. RIMIIEL, 
administers R corresponding treat to the nose. This is a great advance 
in dance music. BKK.THOVEN might perhaps have indicated a particular 
perfume by some exquisite movement which would have inspired the 
same serenity and joy, or other delightful state, as that which the per- 
fume induces on sensitive minds. But BEETHOVKN himself never, with 
all his genius, could have composed music simultaneously breathing the 
odour of sweet briar, Hnd constituting a measure for the multitude to 
dance to. BEETHOVEN could never thus have mingled sweet briar with 
mptTs. Neither, probably, could even M. MUSAUD without the aid of 
MR. J<tMM! ], lint, if, whilst a wait/, is being played, a scent-pot is 
opened, then by (lint means the connection of sound with sense is fully 
established, ;nnl we know precisely what the coin position means besides 
tiddy-tum-tum, or whatever eke it might signify expressed in speech. 

A Sweet Briar Waltz, illustrated by the disengagement of real sweet 
briar, having been iy produced, every species of scent apper- 

taining to the toilet will soon be fitted with a dance-musical repre- 
tentative. Not to meut ion the necessary rose and the indispensable 
violet, we shall shortly BeongBM in every bail-room the aroma of the 
hop, and be made distinctly aware that youth and beauty are toe-and- 
heeling it to heliotrope. 

However, dance music is not the only music that might be appro- 
priately and advantageously perfumed. There are many popular airs 
that might be thereby rendered very gratifying to the olfactory nerves. 
For instance, there is " Drojts of Brandy,"' there is the "Jtoast See/of 
i/land" Culinary fragrance, and the bouquet of wines and 
spirits, i please some nostrils more highly than the emanations of tlte 
sweetest flowers. Alimentary and Terpsichorean music might be com- 
bined. The Irish Stew Waltz would doubtless be a great success 
the performance of the waltz being accompanied by the liberation of 
the fumes of the stew. It has long been objected to the lighter kinds 
of music, that they merely captivate the public ear. Now, being per- 
fumed whilst they are played, they will also lead people by the nose. 

Since writing the above observations .it has occurred to us, that the 



accompaniment to hunting songs might be so scented as to savour of 
the stable, to which many are partial. Also that when M. MUSAKH at 
St. James's Hall introduced the Cattle Show, MR. KIMMKI, might have 
assisted him in expressing the idea of it. The breath of the cow is 
proverbially sweet. A useful caution might be conveyed in the odour 
of a quadrille, which might be culled " The Crinoline" and whereof the 
olfactory illustration might be the smell of lire. 



HAUSSE ET BAI8SE. 

HAU8SE. 

I SEE a Brass Colossus, thinly gilt, 
Upon two feet of varnished clay up-built. 
Holding a huge mud-bubble, where doth waver, 
The iridescence of Imperial favour. 

MJMB. 

The gold upon the brass is rent and tarnished, 
The lacquer cracks with which the clay was varnished, 
A sudden cloud blots out the Imperial Iris, 
The huge mud-bubble bursts, and iJixia mire is. 

"An Abode cf Earthly Flirt 4cn:irsb1y adapted Cor a 
Gentleman of Taste and Fortune." 

IT seems from the Police Reports that not less than SCO burglars 
and ticket-of-leave men are enjoying themselves in Manchester at this 
particular moment. That industrious town, with its azure sky and 
sweet pastoral walks, always struck us as the most charming spot in 
the world for a residence, and just now that h is so full of company, it 
must have still greater attractions than ever. We did think of going to 
Hastings, or Brighton, at this dull time of the year, just for a change 
of air and scene for three or four weeks, but shall decidedly give the 
preference now to Manchester. 

Imperial Bevtrses. 

WHEN Loins NAPOLEOX put, down the Rl Republic, be was, 
according to the priest party, the "Saviour of Society." Now the 
BISHOP OF POITIERS calls him PONTUS PILATE. According to that 
Prelate he is the Pilate of the Creed; whereas only the other day 
the French clergy regarded him as toe pilot who weatheredj the 
torm. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




Officious URCHIN KDSHES TO OPEN CAIUUAGE-DOOB. JOHN AND THOMAS, 10 USE THEIR OWN PHBASE, ARE " COMPLETELY 

N OS FLUSHED ! " 



WILL HAYTER. 

AIR" Tom Moody." 

You all knew WILL HATTER, the Whipper-in, well, 

From all whips of his time honest WILL bore the bell. 

In cover how pleasant to see him at work, 

A hot hound now rating, now pressing a shirk : 

No young 'un e'er opened, with WILL near the wood, 

But he'd challenge, and find reasons why, jf he could: 

Then, the pack at full cry, how inspiring liis cheer, 

When he led on the field, "Hark to PAH there, Hear, Hear ! 

High ! wind him and cross him 

Now RUSSELL boy ! Hear ! " 

One hundred and sixty, in blue and buff drest, 

To present honest WILL'S testimonial pressed. 

The meet it was WILLIS'S Rooms, where the board, 

By the right sort was graced, "neath the wing of my Lord. 

WILL'S Treasury hacks round the room did parade, 

O'er each saddle a whip as his trophy was laid. 

Ah, no more at his voice will those Lacks go the pace, 

Nor the lobbies re-echo Old WILL in the chace 

His " Question ! "now press him ! 

Divide vide divide ! 

Quoth WILL to his friends, when they 'd drunk to his health, 

" I may blush to find fame, who've still done good by stealth. 

I rode up to my hounds and stuck close to their skirts, 

But this plate and this dinner o'erbear my deserts. 

When I "m given up for gone, this last favour I crave, 

Just ring the division bell over my grave. 

And unless at that warning 1 lift up my head. 

My boys, you may fairly conclude 1 am dead." 

With a Hip, Hip, Hooray ! Old WILL'S patrons replied, 

And as all were one mind, 'twas no use to Divide. 

With a " Spoke ! Oh Oh. '.Question ! 

Divide vide Divide ! " 



SUPERNATURAL SWINDLE. 

ACCORDING to the Utiita Italiana of Genoa, several Pontifical 
soldiers, having been made prisoners, had arrived in that port. These 
fellows were all provided with a paper inscribed with the following 
words : 

" Reserve Corps of the Holy See : 100 years of plenary indulgence to whoever 
takes arms against the excommunicated King. Signed : CARDINAL DE ANOELia." 

Of course, a century of plenary indulgence could hardly be enjoyed 
in this world, and must be taken to mean an advantage to be conferred 
in the other ; remission, for so long, of purgatorial pains. In short, 
the indulgence, if it were not a mere humbug, would entitle the holder 
to a discharge from the prison of purgatory, so many years before, 
in the regular way, his term of imprisonment would expire. 
Thus the warrant of release above described, which the Pontifical 
soldiers were furnished with, was a spiritual ticket of leave. The 
POPE'S troops being largely composed of brigands and banditti, were 
no doubt qualified in every respect, except amendment of life, to be 
not only spiritually, but also, in a natural sense, licket-of-leave men. 
As to CARDINAL DE ANGELIS, whose signature was appended to the 
foregoing note of redemption from future punishment, he may call 
himself DE ANGELIS, but he must consider himself to be far above all 
the Angels. Yet the Cardinal is only the POPE'S deputy, so that the 
altitude assumed for His Holiness is still greater than that pretended 
to by his Eminence. When an old priest, to induce cut-throats to fight 
against an " excommunicated King," bribes the rascals with cheques 
on the Bank of Divine Justice, to be presented in the other world, the 
altitude that he has attained to is evidently that of absurdity or 
swindling. 

CRME DE LA CHME. 

IT is quite a mistake to suppose that the REV. EDWAKD CHEESE 
the distinguished son-in-law ot the BISHOP OP DURHAM, and the new 
incumbent of Hauj-hton le Skerne is of humble origin. We are 
assured that he is of a very old family in Cheshire. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MARCH 9, 1861. 




THE DURHAM CHEESE. 



BISIIOP (TO NEEDY CLERGIMAN). " I AM EXCEEDINGLY SORRY, DEAR BROTHER IX THE CHURCH, BUT YOU 
SEE I HAVE NOT A DROP LEFT FOR YOU. I HAVE POURED IT ALL INTO MY CHEESE." j 



MARCH 9, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



103 



THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF JOSEPH HUME. 

I SING, 1 sing, of good times over, 

When we lived in peace, if not. in clover, 

Were free from alarm as to w!i;ii i lie Kiench meant, 

And the popular cry was for Retrenchment : 

When, instead of paying for new defences, 

We tried to cut down all mcli > 

And, in the estimate^ iou, 

Economics compelled Kfdnc'iun. 

Sing hey, sing ho, in sorrow and gloom, 
l'or the good old days of Josini HLMH ! 

When France was not than England stronger, 
And we thought that war would be no longer ; 
When the: Millennium we rxprc'ed, 
And our Army and Navy alike neglected; 
Talked of swords inio ploughshare* turning:, 
\ml gunpowder only for pastime burning, 
In lir ^works, or on stubble or heather, 
And lions and lambs lying down together. 
Siog hey, sing ho ! &c. 

When young men thought they acted wise in 

iting Arts, and Arms despising; 
Wlien--ah, how much folks were mistaken ! 
Martial studies were forsaken. 
JKut sw ords and bayonets in these days are 
Furbished, sharp as needle and razor, 
Soldiers and sailors all bard drilling 
For practice in the art of killing, 
Sing hey, sing ho ! &c. 

When old Brown Bess her purpose suited, 
The Queen of Weapons then reputed, 
The Killes were a mere Brigade then, 
Because we thought of little but trade then; 
But now each man has his Eniield Rille, 
And that, alone, doesn't cost a trifle ; 
Then Armstrong guns, and shell*, and mortars 
We must provide to guard all quarters. 
Sing hey, sing ho ! &c. 

When men would have been accounted dreamers 
Who talked of a fleet of war screw-steamers, 
When we, by wooden walls defended, 
Against attack, on wood depended. 
But now we find we must environ 
Our isle with vessels cased in iron, 
With iron walls must be surrounded, 
That iron costing tin unbounded. 
Sing hey, sing ho ! &c. 

When self-protection asked bnt flannel ; 
But now that steam has bridged the Channel, 
Each freeborn Briton has occasion 
To hold his own against invasion ; 
So Volunteers have formed, are forming, 
Like bees with stings about them swarming : 
That, is the cheapest way to do it ; 
But times are changed, and how we rue it ! 
Sing hey, sing ho ! &c. 



A REDUCEIJ IIIUIXESS. 



pahibhcs Ike subjoined imposing announce 

Mr*r wa alfMd at Parla, by which hi. Mo.t Horene 
* the OMUBUUIK ul Meutuue and Buquebnuw 

llkCKCII." 



TUB Journal d Mo, 
ment : 

. 'r 

Blffhueaa tliu PKINL-E of MOITMM 
to bia Majcnty the KMI-KHUK u 1 

Even before the cessiut of the abovenamed communes, which the 
potentate of whose daMraoa thrj formed part has sold to Louis 
NAPOLEON for 160.000, aad a consideration of certain private pro- 
perty in laud, the princedom of Monaco was about the smallest in the 
world. It is now beaviifWUy less than ever it was, and its Prince has 
become a sovereign of significance smaller than that very 
amount that he had been preyionsly iiwwted with. It does tin 
M em cruelly ironical to describe such a Princelct as his 
Iliglmess. Serene, to be sate, he may be, even in the superlative 
degree, and his habitual serenity may have been much increased by the 
MI m of money which ha made him so much richer t han he was before. 
The diminution of Itia dowaia will perfc&pe him- 1 .!,. .1 him toseenow 
vrrthe wuoiaef it from one spot, aad to reflect, with stricter 
truth and mow heartfelt wniplacency, that he is monarch of all he 
surveys. Bnt to give this little 1'iince the title of Highness is to 
mock thvlowness of hit princely stature. So diminutive a Royal per- 
sonage bad better be styled ais Most Serene Exiguity. He was already 
the Ton THUMB of European Royalty, and be mow cornea oat as a 
mannikin who has decreased from the standard of a dwarf. The 
KMI-MOR OP THE FRENCH will soon, perhap*. present him with a 
pair of Napoleon boots, into one of which he will get, and sink out of 
sight, in that manner hiding his diminished head. 



Naval Etiquette. 

THE stern of the Black Prince, the new iron-cased screw frigate just | 
launched, is unprotected by armour. It is almost as the heel ofi 
ACHILLAS ; but not quite. The Black Prince is vulnerable in the' 
^tern. Unfortunately she is also vulnerable in the ste.ru. She has no 
helmet, whicl. is worse than being undefended about the helm. There, : 
indeed, a J'ritish frigate is no more in need of Inr'nlr^um than a 
British so'.dier or sailor. Our gallant fellows have their hearts in the 
right, pU"cs, and never would require to wear breastplates on the 
wrong. What if the Black Prince is bare behiud? A vessel of the 
British navy never shows an enemy her stern. 



AN OT.D OFFENDER. 

AT a late meeting of the Geological Society a valuable paper was 
read on " Flints in the Drift." An oM gentleman rsent on 

that occasion remarked, that he did not see the drift of the learned 
lecturer's observations. 



" A CIRCULAR NOTE." The first Circular Note, we should think, 
must have been a Hound Robin. 



.PREVENTION BETTER THAN PUNISHMENT. 

THE country is warmly to be congratulated on the great decrease of 
criminal convictions which late years have exhibited, particularly in 
the North of England. Owing to the praiseworthy economy of 
Government, the allowance to witnesses attending Assizes has been 
reduced to a sum which is about three times less than the wages which 
a workman in tolerably good employment at Manchester, for example, 
would earn by his labour. By waiting a week, perhaps, about a Court 
to give evidence when his case came on, be would lose the difference, 
amounting, for him, to a tremendous sacrifice. Prosecutions, as well a* 
convictions, are consequently diminishing at a fast rate, to the no small 
saving of charge upon the County rates. Individuals may suffer from 
depredations committed in the belief that crime will go unpunished, 
but other individuals, in declining to subserve the ends of justice, 
secure themselves from suffering severe pecuniary imposition. Injustice 
being thus avoided, answers the purpose of economy. Some people 
are not robbed if other people are. When the insufficiency with which 
witnesses deprived of their work are paid, is compared with the ex- 
travagance wherewith "compensation" is granted to legal practitioners 
reformed out of business, it is obvious that the frugality exercised 
towards the witnesses must have a peculiar object. This, doubtless, 
is the prevention of overcrowding in our gaols and hulks, and the means 
adopted to secure that end are proving very effectual. Let us hope 
that the impunity of offenders who defy prosecution will never occasion 
the ordinary courts of assize to be superseded by the tribunal of MB. 
JUSTICE LYNCH. 



A TAKING FASHION. 

IT is extraordinary what thieves owe to the fashions. This is their 
last debt, and one that they are never likely to repay, unless made to 
do so by the strong hand of justice: 

" A noted French plckpockel-, \ipon hli arreit, declared hi* opinion that Crinoline 
aBorda better opportuutUM for practising tbefta on tha unwary than any stylo of 
dna* previously worn. Being worn loosely away from th. lady, ample opportunity 
Is afforded to cut t be drew and gt at the puna without detection." 

We are not surprised, however, at its favouring the propensity of 
thieves, when we know that Crinoline, itself is, in the generality of 
cases, strongly attached to steel. It may be called the perfect pick of 
the fash iou. 



Two French Idols. 

THE Senate NAPOLIOS f xalts on a 

Where if two names could stand, the.i would both be divine; 

And a Bishop, aii 

To PONTIUS 1'ri.ATE the EMPEROR compares. 

The abuse and the incense alike are profane, 

But wisdom the Toadies alone would restrain, 

And give the Fanatic abundance of rt 

If NAPOLEON is PILATE whom calls he the POPE ? 



104 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAT.OE 9, 1861. 




PROPOSED NEW STYLE OP WHISK-AR. 



OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 

" DEAR PUNCH, 

" THE question What is a Pantomime ? the other day was 
mooted in one of the Police Courts ; and though authors, actors, and 
managers were summoned, nobody seemed to know exactly how to 
answer it. One experienced witness stated that a pantomime should 
properly have ' something of a plot ; ' and being pressed for explana- 
tion of this perplexing phrase, he said that if two persons fell in love 
and then jumped into the Serpentine, their case would constitute the 
' something ' that was needful for a ' plot.' Another thought that 
Pantomimes 'should have a simple plot, lovers thwarted first by 
demons and then rescued by good fairies ; ' in which opinion, Mr. Punch, 
I thoroughly concur ; only 1 would add that, when the rescuing takes 
place, the change of harlequin and columbine should be the work of 
the good fairy, while that of pantaloon and clown should be effected by 
the bad one : the latter couple being sent to plague the lovers in their 
progress to the Beauteous Bowers of Bliss. 

" But whatever were their notions as to what might be held pro- 
perly to constitute a plot, all the witnesses agreed, that in the Panto- 
mimes this season the writing has been quite a secondary matter, the 
stage effects and scenery being deemed by far the first. Now, without 
boring the ears of your intelligent readers with sighs and groans about 
the good old Pantomimic times, 1 must just state my firm conviction, 
that the Public like to laugh when they go to see a Pantomime, and 
relish foolery and fun far more than finery and flare. If half the 
money that is lavished on the Transformation Scene were devoted to 
procuring better authorship and acting, I think the public would be 
vastly gainers by the change, and that the Managers in like measure 
would profit by it. However gorgeous it may be, of course a scene 
remains the same, and 1 think, that as a rule, one only cares to see it 
once : whereas I fancy one would go a dozen times or more to see the 
ever varying fun of a Grimaldi. But while a Pantomime is treated 
merely as a peg whereon to hang some splendid scenery, both the 
author and the actor are slighted and discouraged. The blaze of gas 
eclipses the sparkle of their wit, and their invention is destroyed by 
the thought that no one cares for it. 

" Having done my duty by seeing our ' great tragedian," I have 
since been taking my pleasure by going where I pleased. But before 
I give you an account of my late rambles, I must congratulate you and 
the British nation generally on the fact, that MR. KEAN has deferred 
his trip to Yankeeland, and will appear in town next winter for a few 
more final nights. Old Drury is announced as the scene of his rentree ; 
that is, if Old Drury have not tumbled down betweenwhiles. Of this 
mishap, however, 1 confess 1 have some fear; for, according to the 
critics, the foundations of the house are getting sadly shaky. One of 



them remarked at the performance of the Gamester that his (the Great 
Tragedian's) ' intensity of passion caused the audience to thrill with 
sympathy, and the house fairly shook with the applause which he 
called forth." Now if a part so flat and heavy as the Gamester could 
do this, what must have been the effect of such a ranting roaring 
character as COLLBY GIBBER'S Richard! and how thankful should the 
renters of the theatre all feel that its already shaken, walls were not 
brought down about their ears ! 

" Without the slightest wish to make an odious comparison, may I not 
just venture the auricular confession of how my ears delighted in the 
sweet voice of Miss PYNE, after what had been poured into them at 
the house so nearly opposite ? And without giving offence to my good 
friend MB. BULL, or being thought to hint a sneer at the advance of 
British art, may I not also own that AUBER is to my mind not quite 
yet excelled by BALFE, and that, pleasant as Bianca undoubtedly may 
be, the charms of the Black Domino to my taste are more palatable ? 
Such light creamy sparkling music cheers one up as briskly as a glass 
of good champagne, and gives one no more fear that one will get a 
headache by it. It will be the public's fault if the opera should not 
draw; for I think that, on the whole, it is put better on the stage than 
I have ever yet here seen it. I may add, the English Version fits the 
music well enough; though I don't think, MR. CHORLEY, that a 
Housekeeper ' of the period ' need have been made to talk of some fair 
girl as ' that young party." 

" Another ramble that I made was into the Lyceum, where I found 
myself exported to the Porte St. Martin. Clever they are, no doubt, 
but I own I don't enjoy these blood and thunder pieces. When I go 
to a theatre I like to be amused, and I don't want to see extracts from 
the Newgate Calendar. Moreover, probability is always sacrificed to 
stage effect, in a way that to a practical plain English mind is most 
distressing. In the House by Notre Dame lawyer's clerks and mur- 
derers clamber over garden walls with needless hurry and agility, when 
unlocked garden-gates invitingly lie open to them. Whatever it may 
be, the comic waiting-maid is always mistress of the situation, and is 
not merely the confidante but mistress of her mistress. It is by her 
permission only that her 'young lady" makes love, and either encou- 
rages to hope, or drives her lover to distraction. Nor ought any one 
stare to see the waiting-maid turn flowerseller without a syllable of 
notice, and then again be servant with no word of explanation, or 
cause for re-appearance, except to rush into the arms of the comic 
lawyer's clerk, and when the curtain falls to drop a curtsey at the 
footlights. 

" With regard to the burlesque, you remember BTRON'S criticism : 

" I saw the Crystabel : 
Very well." 

"To this I need add nothing further, unless that the last scene (a 
placid lake of looking-glass, with lilies cropping out of it) was in the 
blending of colours, really very pretty, and appealed by way of novelty 
to more senses than one, the nose as well as the eyes being assailed for 
admiration. 

" I have not space this week to speak of MR. FECHTER (I beg your 
pardon, MR. TUI-PER, the name does not rhyme with " wretch stir ; " 
in fact, there's no word in our language with which it really does 
rhyme). I can only say .Dora Cmsar was never looked and acted so well 
as he is now, and folks who are not fools will not miss the chance of 
seeing him. 

" Tours, until the middle of next week, 

" ONE WHO PAYS." 

"P.S. Since writing the above, I find that I am censured by one of 
your contemporaries for describing a new farce as being ' coarse and 
stupid," and for praising as a contrast the neatness of an older piece. 
The writer grants me his confession that the farce may be a stupid one, 
but he denies that (in his opinion) it is coarse, that being, he says, a 
matter of 'fact,' and not of 'taste;' as though a critic and a coster- 
monger saw with the same eyes, and coarseness were a thing viewed in 
the same light by them both. The farce, moreover, he defends because 
it is ' original,' whereas the other piece he thinks is quite unworthy of 
one's praise, simply from the fact of its translation from the French. 
Well, I don't intend to squabble, but I 'm not disposed to grant that 
original vulgarity is more to be commended than second-hand good 
taste." 

Acoustic Philanthropy. 

MR. CHARLES KEAN announces that circumstances induce him to 
forego his visit to America. This does much honour to his good 
feeliug, as in the present condition of the Republic nothing could be 
more undesirable there than a voice of discord. 



The 



ART IN ITALT. 

WE read that Gaeta is reduced almost to a"'mass of stones, 
next grand work, by St. Mark ! may be a new edition of the " Stones 
of Venice." It is not improbable that GARIBALDI may have a hand in 
the execution of such a work. 



MARCH 9, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LOM)().\ CHARIVARI. 



105 



A SMASH FOR THE ENCORE SWINDLED 

E were never more inclined 
to cry out Bravo ! to a si nger 
than when, in the notirr of 
the first night of the Amber 
Witch, the pen of the Time* 
Critic, among other things, 
informed us that 

"The house was enthusiastic In 
iU demonstration* of approval ; 

!!:> tffi UtM '-' i- : ' - ''. m.l 

miuiy pieces wen re-demanded ; 
but the singers, in emulation of 
the example recently set by 
MR. Sou Burn. inv*rUMy 
and respeotfuUy declined the 
honour." 

Often as Mr. Punck has 

inveighed against the 
swindle of extorting an 
encore, it delights hint to 
discover that his words, as 
usual, are bearing: goodly 
fruit, and that the evil he 
has denounced is beginning 
to be extirpated. If singers 
will but follow the lead of 
MB. REEVES, and " invari- 
ably decline the honour (! ) " 
of encores, there will soon 
be an end put to the practice 
of demanding them. It is 
as unfair to require the 
repetition of a piece as it 
would be to ask twice for the change of a bank-note, or, after receiving a shillingsworth of buns, 
to demand another dozen because they were such good ones. Moreover, music suffers by 
the practice of encores; and for the interest of art, performers should decline them. When a 
composer wishes sny strain to be heard twice, he puts the sign "da capo," and secures its 
repetition. To repeat it when not marked so, is to meddle with his work, and very possibly 
to injure the effect that he intended. Now SMITH and BROWN, who bawl out, "Brayvo ! " 




| and " Angcore ! " are not such good musicians 
as BlSTHOVKB or li.tLFE; and even if tliey 
wrre, they have no riglr !> the works 

of those composers, by ,-i ttin^ certain passages 
i at their pleasure, when others of the 
audience may be annoyed by hearing them. 

However, from what passed <-vening 

at Her Majesty's, it is clear to Mr. Punch that 
the encore days are numbered, and that another 
year or two will see them at an end. If singers 
will but set their faces against the custom, it 
will be useless for cliqtumrs to try to give it 
countenance. When it ceases to succeed, the 
swindle will die out, and nobody of sense will 
rtgret that it has done so. S-HUh snobs may 
still go on insisting on citcortt, and second-rule 
performers may take such calls for compi 
and stupidly comply with them ; but Mr. Punch 
feels sure that no true gentleman or artist will 
long uphold a practice which all thoughtful 
minds condemn, and which is clearly not less 
unjust than it is injurious. 



A Species of Lion that is Extremely 
Scarce. 

THE new sculpture-room at the National 
Gallery is to be about four times the size of the 
old one. Let us hope that its proportions will 
be able to show off to the best advantage those 
four lions of SIR EDWIN LANDSEER, which are 
intended to decorate the base of the Nelson 
Column. It is just probable that they may be 
completed by the period of the opening of the 
Royal Academy. We must with pain confess, 
that England has, as yet, done very little, 
and has taken a rare Ion; time in doing 
it, in the way of lionising its greatest naval 
hero. 



BBAVO ! EASTERN COUNTIES ! 

FOR the interests of humanity Punch has so otten found it necessary 
to pitch into the directors of the Eastern Counties Railway, that he 
feels the more delighted to award to them the kudos which by the 
statement following he is justified in giving : , 

" EASTERN COUNTIES. It appears that the directors of this Company, at their last 
meeting, determined to adopt a system of communication between the guard and 
engine-driver of a train. This will, in the first instance, be applied to expresa and 
fast trains, with a view however to its extension to ordinary trains.' 

The idea of a " fast " train upon the Eastern Counties Railway is a 

notion which has never yet occurred to Mr. Punch,^ who is accustomed 

to submit, when he travels by that line, to an " Express " that stops 

five times in less than forty miles, and is therefore to his mind a very 

" ordinary " train. How long the parliamentary is doing the like 

distance, Mr. Punch has never taken the trouble to inquire; but, 

judging by comparison with other lines he knows, it can hardly be far 

short of some six hours on the road. But though it cannot be " the 

pace that kills " upon the Eastern Counties, the accidents that happen 

there have now and then proved fatal ; and perhaps nothing will tend 

to decrease their chance of frequency, so much as the extremely simple 

course which is proposed. Mr. Punch, who is a not infrequent tra- 
veller on the line, must feel of course a personal interest in the matter ; 

and although his precious person is abundantly insured, he cannot but 

rejoice that his corporeal nsk is lessened, and that his Judy may feel 

easier in her mind than she has done, whenever he trusts his carcase 

to the Eastern Counties' care. 
Mr. Punch would therefore in the fulness of his joy, and in his desire 

to give full credit where the same is fairly due, commend toother 

boards the example he has quoted, and advise them in the like manner 

to earn his thanks and praise. As ninety-nine per cent, of the accidents 

that happen might be prevented were more labour and more vigilance 

employed, and were there not too often a cheese-paring of expense, it 

clearly is high time to call a spade a spade, aud speak of RAILWAY 
1 MANSLAUGHTER by its only proper name. Were there no endanger- 
! ment of human life and limb, directors might, be justified in counting 

up the costs and chances of an accident, and proving that it paid them 

to incur the rUk, rather than to take expensive mcnsures to dimiui;.li 

it. This would clearly be excusable, were loss of property the only 

loss that could ensue; but it ceases to be pardonable when thiTi- in 

chince of loss of life. Mr. Punch would hold direcuirs responsible in ... _ r ._ 

person for the persons of all passengers entrusted to their care ; and if I during the prevalence of March winds, is not to be n 



this were so, depend on it invention would be taxed for means whereby 
all railway risk should be prevented, as far as it be humanly permitted 
so to do. As a step in the right direction, the step of the direction of 
the long-blamed Eastern Counties appears to Mr. Punch to be worthy 
of his praise ; and with the stimulus of this reward before their eyes, 
surely other boards will lose no time in following this course. 



A REGULAR FOX CLUB DINNER. 

AT the Testimonial Banquet which, with a Table Ornament, was 
given the other day to SIR W. G. HATTER, the toast of the evening 
having been proposed by the Noble PREMIER, who occupied the chair. 
an honourable gentleman present, in the absence of any professional 
vocalist, volunteered to oblige the company with a song appropriate to 
the occasion, unaccountably not reported. The parliamentary enthu- 
siast broke out in the good old hunting-strain : 

" Tou all know TOM MOODT, the whlpper-ln, well ! * 

It was expected that the roof which covered the assembly would 
have come down upon their heads, so violently was it shaken by the 
laughter and shouts of "Yoicks!" and "Taliv-ho!" and "Hear, 
hear ! " wherewith the honourable Member's performance was accom- 
panied by the political foxhunters. 



Abuse foi Argument. 

THOSE Essays and Recievn 

How idle to abuse 
In terms of vague unmeaning condemnation : 

Do you thmk the people look 

For your censure of the book? 
No, ye Bishops, but expect your refutation. 



Naval Fashions. 

STEEL corsets are beginning to be worn by frigates, but do not, in 
the last noveliy, come up to the bows in front or descend quite to the 
Other extremity. Tin' side* are pierced with holes for tim arnn, forming 
openwork. Canvas is less employed than formerly, which, 



10G 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVAR-. 



[MABCH 9, 1861. 




COTTON LORD ("coming" the Noble Patron). "Haw 1 was indooced to buy a UUU Picture oj yours, the other day, Stodge, haw '' 

AKTIST (who does not seem to see it). "Lucky Fellow ! 1" 



THE BERKELEY PEERAGE. 

JUDGMENT. 

THE Law Lords have given judgment in this case, which Mr. 
Punch has taken under his especial patronage, on account of the funny 
plea on which his friend the Old Sailor of Berkeley demanded a 
Peerage. 

The LORD CHANCELLOR said that Sin MAURICE BERKELEY, brother 
of the late exemplary LORD FITZHARDINGE, and as brave and dashing 
a sailor as ever lived, had taken into his old head, that because he had 
got Berkeley Castle, he ought to be a Peer, having some notion that 
castles and coronets went together. He, the LOKD CHANCELLOR, was 
not going to enter into an historical essay upon the BEBKELEYS, for bj 
some accident or other, his historical efforts were not generally thought 
so valuable as he himself knew them to be. But he would proceed to 
the painful duty of informing the Old Sailor, that if be particularly 
wanted a coronet, lie must try after it in some other way. It was not 
for the LOUD CHANCELLOR to point out that way, though lie him- 
self, having professed the most democratic principles, and nevertheless 
having got two coronets into his family, might be supposed an 
authority upon the subject. He had only to apprise SIR MAURICE 
that his endeavour to "cut out" a peerage as he cut out the enemy's 
schooner in 1S30 

SIR MAURICE BERKELEY requested the noble Lord and lubber to 
avast there. It was 1803. 

The LORD CHANCELLOR thought that it was hardly worth while to 
interrupt him on a trifling misarrangement of figures. The Old Sailor 
must be content with his laurels, anil with having been publicly thanked 
by the DUKK OP MARLBOROUGH MARYBOROUGH was it? no, WEL- 
LINGTON. Besides, he had been a sort of Lord, a Lord of the Admi- 
ralty, which was a good deal belter than nothing. The judgment was, 
that SIR MAURICE had not made out his claim. 

LORD ST. LEONARDS concurred, for once, with the CHANCELLOR, 
though of course the reasons which the latter had given for his judg- 
ment, if reasons they might be called, were, as usual, utterly futile. The 
legal reason why the claim of SIR MAURICE must be rejected was, that he 
had failed to show the discontinuance of the outstanding term contin- 



gent upon the'enfeoffment of the non-entailed cessio'bonorunipwraufre 
vie after the conveyance de droit under the charter-party of EDWARD 
THE THIRD had merged the laches in a general tenancy by the courtesy 
with cross remainders over. 

SIR MAURICE BERKELEY said that it made a fellow's lee-scuppers 
run over, to hear a cove coil and belay such High Dutch lingo. 

LORD CRANWORTH said that he did not. suppose his learned friends 
cared very much whether he concurred with them or not, but he was 
entirely of their opinion, and thought that it would be a bad precedent 
to confer a peerage upon a gentleman merely because he possessed an 
old bouse in which one of the British sovereigns had been killed. 

SIR MAURICE BERKELEY said, that if that lubber meant to insinuate 
that he who hud eat his sovereign's junk 

The LORD CHANCELLOR must interpose. Eat a junk. Come, come 
they could not swallow that. He had himself seen a junk in the river 
Thames, and though he did not profess to understand nautical matters, 
if a man asserted that he could eat such a thing as that, he, the CHAN- 
CELLOR, must reluctantly classify him among those who did not attach 
due value to accurate representation of circumstances. 

SIR MAURICE BERKELEY said that the CHANCELLOR was a sea- 
lawyer, and he only wished he had had him on board the Thunderer. 
What lie meant to say was, that he had been in the QUEEN'S service, or 
the King's, which was all the same, leastways different, all his life, amd 
he should like to hear anybody say he wasn't loyal. His dear eyes ! 

LORD WENSLETDALE had had such a squeak for his own coronet 
that he felt natural pity for an unsuccessful claimant. He had not, heard 
the arguments in the case, but quite concurred with his learned friends. 

SIR MAURICE BERKELEY intimated his irremovable conviction that 
they were all a pack of humbugs, and he should speak to the QUEEN, 
bless her! on the subject. He then departed, furiously sending a quid 
of tobacco into the left eye of the CHANCELLOR, as a valediction. , 



A GREAT IMPROVEMENT ON THE OLD SAYING or "TAKING COALS 
TO NEWCASTLE." Carrying Milk to Cowes. 



A VERY CONSUMING HABIT. NESSUS'S Shirt. 



Int-.l'T WT.li.jiiBr.Jl.ury. of No 13 t> frWobu-.. Pl.re. nd F-e^-rck Muilctt E.n.. o' .. 19. Qnetn'. Road We.t, RfRenf. Part both In the Pari.h of S.. p.ncrts, ID the Conntj of Middle*,, 
Ll-ui"i!'-'ii""i Mirci, sTsT rrerlnct at Hluicln.ir., m tue Citj of Luixba, and J-ubli.lieu by them at No. 33. Flm/Slrec:, in tLe Pamh of St. Bride, in II* Uitj o2 



MA ucu 1C, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



107 




SIR G. BOWYER'S GAMMON. 

njghout 
o tmiuctJotu had shown hliuiwlf aingle niiudol. hiT'ii^ n*. 

n (tie 7/c. 



SHOP! 

ki Ifuic buck an Oudch, lij TearV 



A KOKMAS of the POPE tcorn pelf, 
Aud turn liis back on Mammon ! 

Not plunder to enrich himself ! 
Well BOWVEH may cry " Gauimcn '. " 

That faithful son of Holy Church, 
< )'i r Papal wrongs still Rricving, 

lias other matters to employ 
His rare powers of believing. 

He can believe the rule of Rome 
lu Temporal things a blessing : 

He can believe it ' good for sheep, 
To welcome wolves' caressing : 

Believe that Pio NONO'S wise. 

That ANTUMEI.I.I 's truthful : 
That Naples sighs to welcome back 

Her 1 i tk and ruthful ; 

That Roman freedom is a fact, 

Aud Naples' fetters fiction: 
That being gagged and caged and whacked, 

Is Papal benediction ; 

Beliefs like these not taking count 
Of feats by sain<s and martyrs, 

Wrought to force faith on Heretic', 
Jews, Infidels, and Tartars : 

Saint Januarius's blood, 

Lorelto'a flying mansion 
M ust, uceds tax gullet of belief 

Whatever its expansion ! 

That a poor gullet so abused, 
Such mouthfuls forced to swallow, 

Should close 'gainst simple truth is whit 
We might expect to follow. 

The juggler who bolts swords may well 
Of sore throat be complaining 

Nothing like swallowing camels, 
At gnats to set one straining. 






A FELLOW FOR A PHOTOGRAPH. 

A PHOTOGRAPHER might have obtained a fine portrait of a hypocrite 
by titkin; Hie likeness of the author of the subjoined letter as he 
appeared in the act of writing it : 

' To the Editor of the ' Morning Port.' " 

" Sin, It may be doubtful whether it is expedient to take legs! steps Against the 

. ousi(1erin^ tho delays, difficulties, aiul expense of such proceedings ; but 

he iu> doubt at all that, as one of the authors of this book, which has been 

'.nimous voii-i 1 of all the Bishops as opposed to the doctrines of 

the Church of England, is one "f HKK MAJESTY'S Chaplains, that it U the duty of 
tii.- r, spnnsililo Miii inters of the Crown to recommend HER MAJEHTY, as head of the 
Church, to remove this author, DR. TI:MPLE, from that office and dignity. 



,-3iX'/ Club, *Varc7t 4." 



" I am, Sir, yours obediently, 

" A LAY CHRISTIAS." 



There can be no doubt that DR. TEMPLE is the author of a very 
objectionable article. His Essay on The Education of the World is at 
once imaginative and prosy. What worse could be said of any sermon? 
Indeed this Essay was originally a sermon. As such, says the Saturday 
Kerific, "it was actually preached, without giving the slightest offence, 
before the University of Oxford." The University of Oxford can 
stand a speculative discourse of no practical tendency and no theo- 
retical importance. So, of course that learned body could see no offence 
in the sermon which Dn. TEMPLE preached, and has since published, 
on the education of the world. There was no offence whatever in it 
beyond the demerits of immateriality, prolixity, and dryness. It con- 
tains no poison except somewhat which partakes of the nature of 
opium, but is not so strong say, as it were, syrup of poppies. Gentle 
dulness would have admired it had it been published in a separate 
form ; gentle dulness would have liked this serious treatise just as, 
conversely, gentle duluess ever loves a joke. Doubtless mauy a 
Christian Young Man's Association, taking the abovenamcd Essay by 
itself, would have listened to it as a lecture, or read it amongst them- 



selves, for mutual improvement, with great delight, and a sense at 
least of considerable edification. 

How then can " A Lay Christian." or any other Christian, request 
the Government to dismiss DR. TEMPLE from the post of Unit 
MAJESTY'S Chaplain P It seems impossible to say. Private and per- 
sonal motive, vindictive feeling, might prompt such a request on the 
part of an enemy 9f DR. TKMPLB'S ; somebody who is no Christian at 
all. Irate hypocrisy might inspire a contemptible snob wilh the sug- 
gestion of arbitrarily cashiering the victim of an accusation which it 
is impossible legally to sustain. Actuated by these sentiments, a mean 
malignant fellow might be capable of sneaking into a corner of the 
University Club, and there writing the letter to which these observa- 
tions are annexed. As that letter is anonymous, it is the greater pity 
that a photograph was not taken of its author whilst engaged in its 
composition. For a photograph of that, individual could possibly have 
been taken, although the despicable humbug was working to injure 
DK. TEMPLE in the dark. 

A Hash Assertion. 

THE Tallet says that the KINO OF NAPLES is suffering punishment 
for the sins committed by his ancestors in contending with the Jesuits 
and withstanding the POPE. Of course the Tablet knows that appa- 
rent ly FRAKCIS THE SECOND lost his crown in consequence of having 
pursued a policy too extremely the reverse of anti-Jesuitical and anti- 
Popish. The proximate cause of his deposition was his subservience 
to the priesthood and the papacy. The successors of heretical sove- 
reigns are not likely to be encouraged by the example of the KING or 
NAPLES to return to obedience to the Holy See. It would be wise to 
be quite certain that FRANCIS is suffering for the sins winch he has 
renounced before making the assertion that such is the case, au 
assertion which if incorrect is also injudicious. 



VOL. XL. 



108 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 16, 1861. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

HE Mh of March, Monday. 
A deceased Member of the 
House of Lords, we refer to 
BAIION BYRON, observes 

" "We learn from HORACE, HOMER 

sometimes nods, 
We know without him ' MOL- 
ORAVE ' sometimes wakes," 

and when BARON PUNCH in- 
serts "MULGRAVE" instead 
of the name rather flippantly 
introduced by the aul hor of 
Don Juan, lie does so because 




, 

the dactyl NORMANBY would 
mull the line. To-night the 
peer whose second title is 
thus poetically used, departed 
from his usual habit of being 
unwise, and brought the case 
of MR. TURNBULL before the 
Lords. He complained of 
LORD PALMERSTON, for not 
having supported this Gov- 
ernment officer, when perse- 
cuted. Now everybody knows 
that throwing overboard (we 
beg any yachting Lord's par- 
don for using the word) a subordinate is the last fault with which the 
gallant PAM is chargeable, but he is thought to have what he called at 
the HATTER dinner an Outside Conscience in matters of theology, and 



concluding words inaudible. MR. MAGUIRE stated of his own know- 
ledge that Providence was watching over the POPE, and MB. ROEBUCK 
yes, MR. JOHN ARTHUR ROEBUCK took an Austrian view of the 
question, and thought that we ought to cultivate the friendship of 
Austria, in order to repress France. LORD JOHN RUSSELL did not 
believe that there had ever been a Government so "abominable" as 
that of the Ex-KiNG OF NAPLES, and expressed his belief that his 
own policy had been a national one, and was approved by the country. 
MR. WHITE made his usual noisea, and added that MR. ROEBUCK had 
been won over by converse with Archduchesses in the "gilded 
saloons" of Vienna, and also had returned thence with a lucrative 
contract in his pocket. With this bit of petty personality closed the 
English debate on the most magnificent events of modern history. 

Tuesday. LORD CAMPBELL moved the Second Reading of a very tiny 
Bill for extending the jurisdiction of the Court of Admiralty. Apropos 
of the word Admiralty rather an offensive word just now there has 
been a curious nautical drama, or rather farce, played during the wee.c. 
A Committee on the Admiralty system was appointed, and one of the 
principal witnesses would have been SIR BALDWIN WALKER, who, 
when surveyor of the Navy, is supposed to have learned an immense 
quantity of things which it might be highly advantageous to the public, 
aiid highly inconvenient to officials and others, to bring out in exami- 
nation. SIR BALDWIN is found to have bolted, in a very fast ship, and 
the Government, urged by Members to catch him, sent the slowest 
old tub in the Navy, for that purpose. Whereat people laugh, and 
when LORD CLARENCE PAGET lays his hand on his heart, and like 
Clown in the pantomimes declares that upon his honour it's all correct, 
people laugh again, which is exceedingly rude. 

E.OSSUTU is having Hungarian bank-notes engraven here, and the 
Austrian Ambassador desires to prevent a process which betides no 
good to the Empire. SIR RICHARD BETHELL says that the act is 
illegal, but that there is no hope of obtaining a conviction, so LORD 
JOHN will not interfere, but politely intimates to the Austrians that 



this Outside Conscience is known as LORD SHAFTESBUKY, bishop- our Court ot ' Chancery is heartily at their service. So they apply to 
manufacturer, Exeter Hall, W.C. In the TURNBULL matter, th<; j VICE-CHANCELLOR STUART for an injunction against the printer of 
PREMIER seems to have been guided by his 0. C., who is connected th <L not ? s > 1Ia - 



with something called the Protestant Alliance. The 0. C. defmded 
his Protestants for distrusting MR. TURNBULL (who, as a convert to 
Popery is a good deal more Popish than most born-Catholics), but it is 
also due to the 0. C. to add, that he spoke like a gentleman touching 
MR. TURNBULL'S scholarship and general character. But it seems to 
be thought that it would be impossible for him to avoid trying to give 
an anti-Protestant colour to his summaries of the Records. LORD 
DERBY could not resist the pleasure of making some smart sarcasms 
at LORD PALMERSTON'S expense, and moreover adverted to the pro- 
verbially irritable character of Literary Men. It is possible that 
literary men may be irritable, when their whole lives are passed in 
examining either ancient or modern history, and in perpetually dis- 
covering that the most important interests of millions have been 
entrusted to and mismanaged by pert aristocrats or shallow demagogues. 
LORD LANSDOWNB thought that MR. TUBNBULL was wrong to resign, 
and the Lords by 41 to 15 voted that they would not be further borea 
with the subject. 

Some persons who call themselves the Ballot Society made a com- 
plaint, through MR. TOM DUNCOMBE, that a lot of circulars which 
they alleged they had posted to the electors of Ripon had not been 
delivered, and they implied that the papers had been suppressed. But 
as they were unable to mention the name of a single person to whom 
a paper had been sent, and who had not received it, MR. FREDERICK 
PEEL intimated his disbelief in the story. 

MR. GLADSTONE explained an invention of his for giving Exchequer 
sills a character of steadiness, by assimilating them to Bank-notes. 
Mr. Punch would like to test the value of this discovery, and GLADSTONE 
bad better call and leave a thousand or two of his Bills at 85, Fleet 
Street. He then proposed to go into Committee of Supply, where- 
upon 

An Italian debate began, and raged to-night and on Thursday. MR. 
PCPB H ENNESSY abused the Government for having favoured Piedmont, 



wicked misgovernment of the POPE, and told appalling stories of the 
crueUies of the Austrians in Italy. SIR GEORGE BOWYER said exactly 
what CARDINAL WISEMAN would have liked him to say, and the debate 
was adjourned. It was resumed on the Thursday by MR. EDWIN 
JAMES, who walked severely into MR. HENNESSY, and paid a glowing 
Tibute to GIKIBALDI. SIR ROBERT PEEL exulted in the freedom of 
taly ; hut the speech of the night was MB. GLADSTONE'S, who vehe- 
mently attacked the " execrable " system of the Papal Government, 
and thought that it required less courage to stand under a bombard- 
nent than to rise in a free assembly and advocate the tyrannies that 
lad been put down in Italy: the cheering at this declaration made his 



The Hop people made a determined effort to get rid of the duty on 
hops, but MR. BuiGHT declined to aid in any attempt to remove a 
duty until the Commons had asserted their dignity and caused the 
paper tax to be remitted; MR. GLADSTONE allowed that the Hop 
Duty system was bad, but so were a great many other things, and 
why, he wanted to kno\v, was the Hop interest to be holpen first, and 
MR. DISRAELI objected to any sacrifice of revenue, while we are in our 
present state, that of a deficiency, supplied by a "temporary" impo- 
sition. It is pleasant to hear the phrase applied to the abominable 
Income-Tax, but though there is no doubt of its being an imposition, 
its temporary character is not so clear. The Hop men were beaten by 
202 to 110, and did not seem much consoled by Mr. Punch's mentioning 
to them, when the numbers were announced, that he had just had a 
despatch from Warsaw, and though the Hops were down, the Poles 
were up. 

SIR JOHN ELPHINSTONE then beat the Government, by 102 to 97 on 
a motion for a Committee to inquire into the system of promotion and 
pay in the Navy. The authorities growled, and said that such things 
encouraged naval officers to come bothering with their grievances, but 
the House did not seem to see it in that light. We should like to 
examine JACK himself as to the whole Navy system, and ask him why, 
in his judgment our Fleet costs so much, only we fear that he would 
be disrespectful and say that it wasn't us fightin' beggars but them 
thinkin' beggars that cost the money, or some such vulgarity. 

Wednesday The House's Sunday was devoted to a rather mild 
debate on the Church Rate Abolition Bill, which went through 
Committee. 

Thursday. LORD BATH wanted to know something about the Syrian 
occupation, and what Government thought of the evident concert 
between Russia and France in the matter. LORD WODEHOUSE de- 
clined to say anything. LORD DERBY elicited the fact that in a treaty 



ind he deplored the helpless position of England, who had alienated j we ar J? ma kin? with France for handing over prisoners who escape 
icrself from the Austrians and Russians, and therefore would be with- " m Cayenne into British Guiana, we except political prisoners, and 
>ut their aid in case of an invasion by the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH. as ' ew O 1 " are 3ent to Cayenne, one does not see the particular use 
MR. LAYARD made a spirited speech on the other side, and dashed I ' ( '' le t reat .y- Suppose, however, that a political prisoner, trying to 
ike a Nineveh Bull with a steam-engine inside him, upon the advo- esca P e >. polished off a gendarme should we apply the rule sought to be 
-ates of the Ultramontanists. He drew an elaborate picture ot the s ? t up i nt ' Qe case of ANDERSON, the negro, who by the way has been 

liberated in Canada, on a technical error in the writ of commitment? 

MAJOR GAVIN, formerly in the Lancers, seems to think that MAJOR 
IELVERTON, bigamist, is not the sort of person who should hold Her 
Majesty's commission. CAPTAIN AKCHDALI,, formerly an Enniskillen 
Dragoon, thinks that nothing should be said on the subject at present. 
The authorities suspend MAJOR YELVERTON from military duties until 
the case shall be completely disposed of. 

Friday. The Church-llate Bill is to stand over till June. MR. 
SHERIDAN wanted to abolish the duty on lire-insurance. This was a 
far less patriotic course than that which was adopted by his illustrious 
ancestor, who refused to assent to the adjournment of the House 



MARCH 10, 1SCL] 



PUNCH, OR THE LQI T DON CHARIVARI. 



109 



wltrii liis theatre, Drury Lane, was on fire. The proposal was rejected of spelling those two last names with a ' ty ' instead of ' dy." The way 
in 49. But MR. GLADSTONE had no great cause for exultation, in which this gentleman, whose legs were doubled under him, hopped 
Hiiro; ill.: lluu did was to appoint Allt. UELUIIUANU and skipped about, aud sang that wondrous ROD* Tie Cure with all its 



HUHBAUD'S Committee on the Income-Tax. 

Neither v;ie nor yet witty 
Is every ( 

Nous verrons, wiiicli, \Vi-e.ount, implies " we shall see,". 
.But wn think, from eacli Lid's tone, 
The prim MK. GLADSTONE 
liave to look sharp alter dear Schedule D. 



OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 

T the risk of losing caste, dear 
Punch, by being s 

I the other even- 




ing vuated a place which in 



s was known 



acrobat accompaniment, was, as avoir.:- behind me said, 'as good as 
seeinaspurrer,' by which last .noun tin binl v.aa meant and not the pupil 
of a prizefighter. I must add that there was mucli less vulgar slang 
in this Blue Bird than in most of the more \Yi stern Inirlc-ijues that I 
have witnessed : and with only OUR exception, so far ab 1 remained to 
I mean where Clown lifts up his petticoat and something to 
PauUloon, who as Jack in He Green, is atanding undetoeath him), 
there is in word or picture nought, unsavoury or i ring 

that the Gallery is niph! ly filled at four pence cacli, and that only six- 
pence is demanded at. the Pit, 1 think this is a noiiceabli- feature of the 
theatre, anrl might he copied with advantage at bouses hii?lirr-prii 

" The bringing out of a new comedy, with a new actress 
time seen in ;t ne<v purl, deserves a better place for notice than the fag 
but. 1 must just btate my firm conviction, that the 
Lxtgi*2)si/icuUtaceTituD\y will draw, allhm "nd- 

tend, nor is the writing quite first-rate. There is, however, plenty of 



m.. .!, Him! 



piece, and it affords a pleasant means for Mas. 
appear in concert with her daughter, preserving that 
he part, which she presents. The audience hr-'lili relished 
i his fact, which inde. -d supplied a novel interact to the 
, piece. Hiss STIRLING has bright ryes, aud a pleasing voice and 
iincr, aud will 1 think become a favourite with per*oM of good 
iatte. It is a rare pleasure to gee something fresh upon Uie stage, aud 
taiaber girlish artlessness agreeably supplies. I hope soon to tee her 
word of praise her mother's acting merits, although 
. liiu play afTords her hardly enough scope. 

" QMS mo PATS." 



A WORD OF ADVICE TO THE BISHOPS. 

DENOUNCE Essayists and 'Reviewers, 
Hang, quarter, gag or shoot tlieiu 

Excellent plans provided that 
You first of all refute them. 

By all means let the Hangman burn 

Their awful book to ashes, 
Bat don't expect to settle thus 

Their heterodox, hashes. 

Some heresies are so ingrained, 
E'en burning won't remove them, 

A shorter and an easier way 
You'll find it to disprove them. 

Be this, right reverends, your revenge. 

For souls the best of cure 
Essay Essayists to upset. 

And to review Reviewers. 



u i\* yOBHB 

. . 

- halitucs was 

more famiiiariy the 

But as the present is 
lomimti developme 

MOW mere 

prandly named the 

Grecian Theatre ; a 

which might lead one 

pect to eee a tragedy cf 

JEscHTlins presented, 

hear the songs of the Birds 

of ARISTOPHANES (birds of 

what ill omen to how many 

lazy students!) sung in all 

the purity of the ancient 

Greek. The only bird, how- 
ever, that was brought be- 
fore my notice was in a pan- 
tomime entitled The Blue 

Bird of Paradise, which, to 

myself and other visitors 

arriving at half-price (this 

privilege is here extended only to the stalls) constituted all the enter- 
tainment of the night. Had I but entered somewhat earlier but that 
dry port, of old BetswiJiG's is sadly hard to leave I could have penned 
you a description of Orlando the Outlaw, or the Orpftaitlets Outcast, or 
Whatever else were the name of the first piece. This, the bill informed 
me, began at half-past, six, yet I am bound to own, the audience did not 
seem at all fatigued by it. On the contrary, indeed, the house showed, 
like the Commons, great ability for sitting; and when finally it rose, a 
few minutes before midnight, there was not that haste to get away, as 
though from something tiresome, which I have often lately noticed in 
more fashionable theatres. 

" I am aware that I may possibly be charged with vulgar tastes, but 
I must own that 1 laughed more at the Royal Grecian pantomime than 
I have done at those performed at many another royal house. I was 
however sorry to find that the opening partook largely of the nature of 
burlesque (I can't tell you how I hate these pantomimic hybrids 
which to my mind spoil both breeds) and it saddened me still more to 
have, to tape at a magnificent Transformation Scene, which taxed one's 
patience terribly while being hit, by bit revealed. 1 think the audience 
r elf felt it, rather a relief when the Clown's business began, and 
their long strained starii.g ended. The Clown too was as good a one 
as I have seen this year, and did not, like too many, let the acrobatic 
element quite supersede the comic. The way he did his stealing was 
much more ludicrous aud artful than I have lately witnessed, and de- 
serves my hearty thanks for the hearty laughs he won from me. 
Clowns too often steal a thing as though it were their own, and they 
had lawful right to take it. They forget too that a Clown, however 
clever he may be, is essentially a fool ; and has not wit enough to know 
that a hot poker will burn him when lie tries to pocket it. The 
audience at the Eagle I beg pardon, Ma. CONQUEST, I mean the 
Royal Grecian seemed quite alive to this. The loudest laughter won 
from them was when the Clown, after endeavouring to pouch a mon- 
strous codfish, strutted away unconscious of having left the head and 
shoulders sticking out, thereby attracting Nemesis in the shape of a 
policeman. 

" As an additional attraction to the City Road just now, there is the 
fattest harlequin I think I ever saw. As I am myself somewhat 
approaching to 1 is size, and know what are the pangs of losing a good 
figure, I scarce can tell if he more moved me to pity or applause by 

his corpulent pyrations. Moreover, worthy of no small admiration, , ..., ._. - , 

was Prince Piymy, 'once known as Uamptly Dumpily' the bill politely hitherto led the. Pope's Biass Hand alone, but now his duties, appa- 
| tells me; thus correcting the cacography 1 oftentimes have practi-eJ, r. ntly, are to be shared by a Protestant leader. 



PRAY PITY THE POOR POPE. 

A JOURNAL with a name which we )>ad rather write than endeavour 
to pronounce, we mean toe Oetterreiehitehe Zeitung, has informed us 
that 

" FiuMia THE SECOND la determined to stay at Rome u long u the Fan 
remains there." 

Misfortune, we are told, acquaints men with strange bedfellow.", and 
some of them are not less strange than they are unpleasant. Ttie POPE 
has long been on a bed of anything but roses, but surely BOMBAI.ISO'S 
advent must add another thorn to it. It is the last feather thai breaks 
the camel's back, and his Holiness must find his weight of troubles 
quite unbearable, now that he is burlheued with tue presence of young 
KBANCIS. We own we have not yit felt much compassion for the 
PUFE, but this last blow is so terrible that it commands our deepest 
sympathy. The absence of the French, who keep his Holiness upon 
his throne, could hardly be more painful than the presence of his visitor. 
Certainly if anything can drive the Pore from Home it must be the 
sight of the juvenile ex-tyrant ; and we shall not be surpris-ed to hear 
his Holiness is packing up, and that a three-pair back near Leicester 
Square is ready for him. Why, it would almost be enough to drive 
Punch out of Fleet Street to know he had that brute, young BOMBJ, 
for a neighbour. 

The Music of Parliament. 

THE County of Cork has returner MR. LEADIB, Protestant Tory 
landlord, by t lie large majority of 3, WO. SIR GEORGE HOWTEK has 



110 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 1C, 1861. 




"SOUR GRAPES." 

OPPOSITION CAD (after an unsuccessful struggle for the stout Fare). " Yn 



h ! Take your fat ' / " 



CLEKICAL REFORM AND ECONOMY. 

IN an article recommending an increase of the English Episcopate, a 
contemporary asks : 

" Whether it is desirable to improve the tone and powers .13 well as increase the 
numbers of these working clergy ? " 

As there exists a society for providing the clerical poor with cast-off 
clothes, the labour-market of the Church must, one would think, be 
rather overstocked. Apparently there is a sad want of employment for 
Curates, who might chant, " We've got no work to do ; " and the fat 
pluralisms might re-echo the burden of their song by way of antiphon, 
in a major key. It seems hardly, therefore, desirable to increase the 
numbers of the Working Clergy, unless by setting idle Deans aud 
Cathedral Canons to work. 

The powers of the Working Clergy might be advantageously increased 
by the supply of the necessitous portion of them with sufficient food 
and drink, which could perhaps be derived from the larders and cellars 
of those round and reverend gentlemen who hold what SIDNEY SMITH 
used to call the prizes of the Church a sort of prize which the 
aspirant to a shovel hat, of course, regards as the prize of his high 
calling. 

The tone of too many of the Working Clergy, in preaching and 
reading, is so objectionable that its improvement is very much to be 
desired indeed. It is not to be distinguished from that of the lower 
order of Methodist parsons a melancholy mouthing and moaning, 
aggravated sometimes by a snuffle. If this tone could be exchanged 
for the natural and unaffected accents of serious thought and earnest 
argument, therein would be effected a great ecclesiastical reform. 

1 u the following remarks, from the same pen as the foregoing, an 
undeniable truth is stated : 

' ' The question of funds is no doubt difficult. But it is not necessary that the new 
bishops should have 5.000 n year until they are called to the House of Lords. Half 
that income would amply suffice as long as the bishop was out of Parliament." 

It is certainly by no means necessary that a simple bishop should 
have 5000 a year. There is much doubt whether the primitive bishops 
had so much in the world, that is, this world : their wealth being 



supposed to have been chiefly invested in the other. A bishop not 
obliged to maintain the dignity of a peerage, could, doubtless, very 
well contrive to rough it on 2500 a year. Enjoying such an income, 
indeed, a prelate of moderate hunger, thirst, and other wants, might 
be very well imagined to be a jolly bishop. Half of that sum, as the 
stipend of a bishopric, would perhaps be sufficient to make many a 
poor and meritorious clergyman, with his wife and family, happy. 



FINE OLD GIRLS. 

THE moralising wet blankets who try to make young persons of both 
sexes uncomfortable by continual lamentation on the fugitive character 
of feminine charms, will find a refutation of their melancholy philosophy 
in the subjoined extract from the " Fashions for March" in Le Follet . 

" Velvet, though very effective, is only deemed suitable for elderly ladies." 

The proof of the pudding is in the eating; the proof of the velvet 
must lie in the wearing. As velvet is only deemed suitable for 
elderly ladies, the presumption is, that velvet is worn by elderly 
ladies only. Then the appearance which elderly ladies present in 
velvet, is the only proof of its effectiveness. But velvet is vevy 
effective. Here, then, are elderly ladies wearing dresses which 
are very effective, notwithstanding the wearers' time of life. Effec- 
tive, in the serious language of milliners, means having the power 
of attracting admiration, and not that of exciting mirth. We are 
to understand that elderly ladies in velvet create the same sort of 
sensation as that which their juniors dress with a view to creating. 
In short, according to the Pallet t elderly ladies in velvet look pretty, or 
at least handsome. This consideration may encourage the younger 
portion of the softer sex to dismiss all unpleasant suggestions as to the 
ravages of time, and indulge the pleasing confidence that Loveliness, 
in future, will outgrow muslin only to bloom perennially in velvet. 



WEIGH of our servants is most likely to steal the eggs? The 
cook, who (cuckoo) is notorious for that species of larceny ! 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MAHCH 1C, 1861. 




JACK'S 'NAVY ESTIMATE.' 

Ma. BULL. " DEAR, BLESS ME.! WHAT A PRICE I PAY FOR MY NAVY ! " 

JACK. "AX PARDON, YER 'ONOUR, TAIN'T ALONG O' WE FIGHTIV BEGGARS, IT'S THEM THINKDT BEGGARS." 



MARCH 16, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



113 




A SKETCH FROM NATURE. 

(MOKE'S THE HIT.) 



PRELATES AT PLAY, OR PROLUSIONES 
EPISCOPALES. 

THE Upper House of Convocation was waiting the other day for the 
commencement of business. Waiting for business is almost as dull aa 
waiting for dinner. " What shall we do to beguile this horrid pause P " 
| inquired saponaceous OXON of mellifluous CANTERBURY. 

" Suppose," exclaimed the mild wisdom of CANTERBURY, " we tried 
our hands at a round of episcopal epigrams ? " 

The Bench stood aghast. They were not prepared for so playful a 
proposal from so grave and elevated a quarter. 

" Epigrams P" doubtfully faltered evangelical RIPON, "Does your 
Grace think that form of composition quite compatible with our 
functions P " 

" Strictly strictly " broke in scholastic LONDON, YORK, and LICH- 
FIEI.D, in a breath. There are the BROWN'S medals for Epigrams at 
Cambridge," continued LONDON, " VAUGHAN won them in his second 
and third years. Oh not the least objection to Epigrams." 

" No more than to editing Greek plays," muttered paedagogic 
MANCHESTER. 

" Or to writing histories of Greece and translating SCHLEIER- 
MACUER," murmured modest ST. DAVID'S. 

" At least it will keep our hands out of mischief," suggested ortho- 
dox HEREFORD. 

" Epigrams, Epigrams ! by all means," chorusscd the Episcopal 
choir. 

" Only give us a subject ! " exclaimed ambitious SODOR AND MAN, 
anxious to distinguish himself in an entirely new field. 

" What do you say to our brother of DUIUIAM, and his latest exercise 
of his episcopal patronage P " playfully suggested the venerable Primate, 
administering a waggish poke in the ribs to smooth-visaged MONTAGUE 
DUNELH. 

M. DUNELM coloured, coughed, but seeing that the proposal was 
hailed with acclamations, refrained from objection merely interpo- 
lating " Of course any little family jokes on such a subject will go 
no further." 

"Oh! Honour bright!" exclaimed with one voice the Right 
Reverend Fathers. 

But alas, they reckoned without their Puneh. 

His little bird, who is fond of flying about the Jerusalem Chamber, 
when Convocation is sitting, had winged his saucy way thither, and 
sat perched above the chair of CANTERBURY while the Epigrams were 
concocting. 

Hardly had saponaceous OXFORD, who was appointed Praslector, 
completed his task of collecting the crumbs of wit which had dropped 
from the Episcopal Bench, when Punch's little bird, swooping down, 
bore off the batch from SAMUEL'S slippery fingers, amidst a general 



howl of Episcopal disappointment. The Bishops were baulked of 
their laugh, hut the public are the gamers by it. it is not often that 
Bishops trifle except on serious subjects: still seldomer that they 
deign to exchange the dark dredging box, from which they besprinkle 
Essayists and Reviewers with pungent and bitter Odium Tlxoloyicum, 
tor the Classic cyathus flavoured with Attic salt. In this case it is 
liardly necessary to add, that their wit is all the keener, as it is exer- 
cised at the expense of Unit IKT on the Bench. 

But now to examine the Episcopal performances. 

LONGLET as befits an ex-master of Harrow is classical. He 
heads his double-barrelled effort with classical mottoes : 

" Plngul* et Ingrata pnmgntur cwetu urbL" yiryiL 

" Prophetic VIRGIL thus may DURHAM groan 
I 've pressed my cheese upon a thankless town." 

Tupiv 8' of \tivn p' otrr' ir Oipti OUT' iy 
" Thtocriltu. 



To the Churchwardens of Hattyhton. 
My friends, you 're blessed like the Sicilian swain, 
You 've got a cheese, you ne'er will lose again. 

Then " Vires acquirens eundo," he dashes off a Latin version of 
No. 11. 

" Quale full Slculo javenl Mt tlbl miintu, amice, 
Caitai in tempus, etuou, oomo tibi cil." 

BISHOP THTRLWALL, our little bird remarked, seemed to suffer a 
good deal in the throe* of production. It is lamentable to think that 
after covering nearly a quire of foolscap with abortive efforts, that 
mountain of erudition produced nothing better, or more elaborate 
than the following " ridicutiu mm -. " 

" Complain, indeed ! what lucky men are these ! 
They asked a mite, and they have got a cheese ! " 

BISHOP PHILPOTT (not POTTS), says our little bird, long protested 
against entering the lists in any such profane competition. But at last, 
evil communications corrupting his good manners, even WORCESTER'S 
immaculate and anti-jocular spirit seems to have been infected with 
playfulness. He has struck off the following -. 

" Apollos was mighty in doctrine we 're told, 
When doctrine was sound in the good days of old- 
Bat there's doctrine more nitty in SHAFT ESBCRY'S sees, 
For it 's bred by Corruption and comes from a Cheete." 

It is perhaps lucky, considering to whom WORCESTER owes his pre- 
ferment to the Bench, and the peculiar fervour of his Evangelical 
opinions, that this epigram did not get wind at the meeting. It might 
have compromised him, politically and theologically. Under the wing 
of Punch, he is safe from the Record and LORD SHAFTESBURT. 

SAMUEL OF OXFORD has hit off the following neat brace of quatrains. 
They read as if written cvrrente calamo, with characteristic gUbness : 

" The Churchwarden' i Petition. 
" Prithee, my Lord, from your new Cheete, 

Some scanty parings take. 
And our poor Pastor's bread therewith 
More palatable make." 

" The Buhop't Reply. 
" Said VILLIBRS, nothing can be spared 

For these three pious men : 
The Cheese that 's with my daughter paired, 
Must not be pared again." 

Who would have divined the calm and apparently costive GBAHAMI 
in the following Tom-Moorish effusion P 

" "Twist a dealer in Stilton and VILLTERS prelatic, 

One might think a comparison ne'er could bs made ; 
The one is pure, pious and aristocratic, 
The other 's a grocer, and lives by his trade. 

But lately at Durham, that fattest of sees, 
To say which is the grotier some trouble is giving: 

The first, p'raps, a living may get out of cheese. 
While the last, as we see, gets cheese into a living." 

Not bad for a Bishop, we must say, though somewhat crabbed. But 
"Nemo reptnte fuit lepidisrimtu," GRAIUME may be expected to im- 
prove. We are almost, ashamed to print the last of these Episcopal 
prolusions. We regret to say it is from the pen of the newly- 
appointed BISHOP OF CARLISLE, from whom very different things 
might have been expected : . 

" The fear of famine sure hath seized 
The richest of our English sees, 



114 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 1C, 1861. 



When DURHAM'S Bishop we behold, 
Accumulating Dums-on Cheese." 

It is fortunate for BISHOP WALDEGRAVE'S chances of future prefer- 
ment that this profane joke was uot actually cracked in the ears of the 
precise Primate. Besides, what would LORD SHAPTESBURY have said! 
As we have already observed, he doesn't read Punch, so there is no 
fear of his seeing the unseemly joke in our pages, and we do not make 
a practice of denouncing, like the Record's Correspondent. But we 
would recommend WALDEGRAYE to be cautious. 




A DIP IN THE LUCKY BAG. 



THE CRY OF POLAND. 

OUR sympathy with the oppressed Poles, and our admiration for the 
boldness of the patriotic petition which they have presented to the 
EMPEROR 9? RUSSIA, must not blind us to the 9ddity of an expression 
occurring in a passage of that document, which, having stated the 
wrongs, and described the unhappy condition of Poland, thus con 
eludes : 

" All this state of things has forcibly reduced this people only to make its voice 
heard by the cry of its victims, and thus it never ceases to offer up a holocaust." 

So remarkable a word as "holocaust" can hardly be supposed to 
have been meant for a translation of "sacrifice;" must be taken as 
having been transferred derivatively from the original. The appeal of 
a noble people ought not to suggest a conundrum ; yet who, reading 
the above extract, can fail to be struck with the perception, that a 
people, in making its voice heard by crying out, offers not a holocaust, 
but only a holloing ? In the exclamations of a nation the " holo " may 
be heard, but no one can possibly distinguish the " caust." 



TOMPKINS'S TELEGRAMS. 

CHELSEA and Kensington are unanimous in their demand for fusion. 

Hammersmith has preferred u request to be included in the Bund. 

An altercation occurred yesterday between two costermongers in 
the Bayswater Road. 

Complications have arisen in Cheapside from the vehicles coming to 
a dead lock. 

A gar-Town is tranquil. 

Order reigns in St. George's in the East. 

The Teetotallers have made a demonstration. Their rallying cry is 
"AldgatePurcp!" 

The marriage of MR. BAKER to Miss BRIGGS was celebrated on the 
llth, at St. Dunstan's. The Beadle attended in full official costume. 
He was received with shouts of laughter, and hoorays. 
r An animated debate on general politics came off in the Marylebone 
Vestry. JONES declared his adhesion to WILLIAMS. 

Interpellations were addressed to all the speakers. 

The solidarity of the parochial Union is affirmed. Marylebone is 
resolved to maintain her autonomy. 



RENASCENTUR. 

(From the Saturday Ptiniew.) 

No legitimate amusement should be denied even to an Irish rabble, 
and Zeus foibid that we should ask an Irish Chief Justice to be decent 
enough to restrain a mob from yelling at witnesses whose careful evi- 
dence or gentlemanly exterior displeases the conscientious and relined 
dwellers by the Poddle. Nor, when a man who is unhappy enough to 
be entitled to write himself " Honourable " comes under the unfavour- 
able notice of the gentlemen and scholars of our Penny Press, would 
we suggest to those Aristarchs an abstinence from a single jibe, a 
sacrifice to a single rule of grammar. The HON. MAJOR SILVERTON is 
lawful prey to the Dublin gallery and the London literary man. It 
would be impertinent to point out that the same Dublin audience 
which made the Common Pleas resound with virtuous indignation at 
the avowals of the aristocratic Lovelace probably adjourned to the 
galleries of the Dublin theatre, and bestowed equally discriminating 
and valuable applause upon the Archer, or Wildalr, who in the 
evening, vaunted, iu far more objectionable language, far worse deeds 
than those of the Avonmore cadet. It would be equally impertinent to 
inquire into the family histories of such of the Penny Critics as have 
known a grandfather ; or to ask them whether their own household stories 
enable them to supply examples of the virtue which they vehemently 
demand from the haughty aristocrat. But inasmuch as we regret to 
observe that, in treating this foolish SILVEKTOJ? case, certain writers 
who have not acquired their views of English life from studies among 
the shirtless rabble of a gallery, or from the teachings of the swipey 
Gamaliels of the flap-bang shop, are inclined to join iu the anti-SiLYER- 
TON clamour, might we deferentially ask those gentlemen, before they 
again put pen iuto ink, to listen calmly, and even tolerantly, to the con- 
versation which they hear in society, and then, instead of penning con- 
ventional strictures upon this impassioned Major, to consider whether 
there is anything in the trial that really calls for animadversion. Never 
mind virtuous platitudes and democratic howls, all very proper in their 
places, but look at the facts in the light of common sense. MAJOR 
SILVERTON finds, or thinks, that thanks to the laws of his country, he 
can repudiate an alliance with a poor lady, of whom he is tired, and 
can contract an alliance with a ricli lady, of whom he supposes he shall 
not get tired. Is it not better for society (to use the cant of the day) 
that two persons who like one another, and have the means of making 
their entourage happy, should be united, than that two persons of whom 
one at least is distasteful to the other, and neither of whom have a 
shilling, should remain, not in wedlock, but in juxta- position? As for 
the remarks of the badgered defendant, made under the incessant and 
irritating fire of a set of Irish bullies, judge them as severely as you 
will, but judge them fairly. He was indiscreet enough to avow that 
in the absence of "gentle" blood, he did not consider a social 
injury to a female so severe as it would be if her family, like 
his own, bore Renascentur on its shield. Dreadfully feudal, no 
doubt, Paterfamilias. But when your interesting son, flashy young 
BOBBY, entangles himself in a love affair, and promises to marry 
somebody whom you have not in your eye for him, let us hear how you 
or your attorney will talk when the match is to be broken off. Is "the 
lady Miss CAROLINE CRINOLINE, of Bedford Row? You will, dear 
Paterfamilias, be as respectful and considerate as possible, and strive 
to get back the letters and the pearl ring, rather on the ground that 
the boy is wild and not good enough for her, than because you object 
to the lady. Or is the female Miss SARSNET, his sister's milliner ? 
Well, you will not be very harsh, but MR. TAPES will go to her with 
100, and order her to set up in Edinburgh or Dublin, unless she 
wishes her landlord, to whom she has mortgaged the house, to do on 
the 25th proximo what will be rather disagreeable. But, O Paterfa- 
milias, red with indignation at the SILVERTON avowal, is the woman 
pretty POLLY HOIKINS, your lady's lady's maid? Is it she who has 
tried to entice your BOBBY into a mesalliance? How soon will you 
have her boxes in a cab at the d9or, and herself sobbing in the hall as 
she kisses Baby for the last time? Yet you want to hang MAJOR 
KLTHHOH for seeing a difference between gentle and Manchester 
blood. Are you a humbug, Paterfamilias? We defend nobody, we 
never defend anything, but despite a howling Dublin gallery and a 
virtuous London press, let us say judicium parium, out lex terra;. 



Nothing like Learning. 

" WHAT a lot of money MOUKSEER SCRIBE made by his plays," said 
;he Wiscount to SIR PLYMOUTH SOUND. " He didn't make it bv his 
plays," replied the Member for Brighton, "he says in his motto 'inde 
Fortuna, which means that he made his fortune in Indy." "Oh! " 
said the Wiscount, 



MARCH 1C, ISGl.j 



PUNCH, OR THE LOM.OX CHARIVARI. 



115 



THE FAIR SEX AND THE CENSUS. 



BAT, Ladies, have you 
made your minds up as 
to what age you intend In 
be for the next ten years 
Because the Seventh of 
April, dears, is drawing 
sadly nigh at hand, and 
you had better be pre- 
pared to answer this mo- 
mentous question. It 
would be awkward to be 
taken by surprise at the 
last moment, and to let 
the truth slip out in the 
presence of a maid-ser- 
vant, from whom you 
have for months, perhaps, I 
been carefully concealing 
it. Of course we should ' 
not dream of charging 
you with planning how 
to shirk the fact, and 
send in false returns, any j 
more than we could think ! 
you 'd wear false ringlets ! 
in your hair, or grow false 
roses on your cheeks. 
Bat accidents will happen 
in the best regulated ! 
households, and avoid I 
them as one may there , 
will always be mistakes, i 

Moreover, some ladies are apt, by the mere weakness of their sex, to let their inclinations I 
get the better of their actions, so that their hands are often guided by their hearts, ! 
instead of being biassed by tlm judgment of their heads. Thus it happens when a Census 
sheet is set before her, Lovely Woman makes (unconsciously, of course) a wrong return, and 
states what she would wish to be instead of what, she is. We have known ladies in tliN way 
so completely lose their natural control over their limbs, as to let themselves record the 
somewhat startling information that they are several years younger than they were ten yean 




ago; while many a "little sister," who, when 
:MIS was last taken was reported as 
eighteen, has only reached in the past decade 
the ripe age of twenty-one. Nay, in a case 
which we can vouch for as having conic mi;lrr 
our notice, a lady called herself but two years 
only older than her daughter, and such was her 
bewilderment at being asked her a- 
could not be persuaded she had made any 
mistake. 

Arising, as they do, from causes which are 
quite beyond all feminine control, we \\-. 
class these errors as intentional deceptioi 
say too harsh a word to the fair ones who commit 
them. On the contrary, we hold that to ask 
ladies their ages is a most unmanly act, which 
no woman of spirit for an instant should submit 
to.* As for censuring the fair sex for not 
making fair returns, the idea is too preposterous 
for anyone to cherish. \Vhcn attacked on her 
weak point, a woman becomes powerless, and 
does she knows not what to escape the blow that 
threatens her. Aim a Census paper at her, and 
she sinks at once, half paralysed with fear lest 
her true age should be revealed by it. In a 
state almost insensible, she enters her return ; 
but, as its absurd it v very often shows, she hat 
clearly not the right use of her senses in so 
doing. One can hardly, therefore, blame her 
for the folly she commits which, indeed, is 
the more foolish inasmuch as it is futile. As 
every birth throughout the kingdom is annually 
registered, it simply is not possible to hide one's 
real age, so as to be clear of the danger of 
>ii ; and how foolish one would look if one 
were found out, and then fined (which one is 
liable to IIP), we leave to ladies who read Punch, 
and would not like to see their names there, to 
endeavour to imagine. 

* We are full of dippers, ladies, bat we don't mind 
having skates or cricket- shoes for this. Pmch. 



THE SLAVE TRADE AND THE STATES. 

THE questions, Who supports the Slave Trade P and How is it that 
England has failed as yet to crush it ? being brought the other evening 
before the House of Commons, LoRTi PALMKHSTON proceeded, with his 
usual outspokenness when foreign matters aie concerned, to clap the 
saddle of opprobrium on the back of the right horse. According to 
the evidence he briefly cited and summed up, the Spaniards are the 
chief delinquents in the matter, though BROTHER JONATHAN is very 
far from being held quite guiltless. On the former of the culprits his 
Lordship passed his sentence in the following severe terms : 

" When we come to speak of Spain it Is Impossible to express too strongly one's 
sense of indignation at the profligate, shameless, and disgraceful bad faith with 
which the Spanish nation have acted in reference to the treatise concluded with 
England on this matt .) As far back a* 1*17, the Spanish Uovernment 

bouud themselves to put an end to the .- i received 400.000 as com- 

pensation to those who might be suflurtTs by this change of jolicy. In 1S35, after 
the Government of England hud mainly contributed by its assistance and protection 
to the establishment of a fre ConntitutU'ii in >i>.nn, we asked as the only acknow- 
ledgment of our fterv in v uKl c- nclulo with us a treaty by which 
machinery should bo established by mutual right of cearrh, mixed commissions, and 
the like, by which OMOngMMBt i>risi7 might bo rendered fully applicable, and 
an effectual eiul put : ;>ain still carried on, and which she 
was bound to abolish. 1 our request. The memory of the services we 
had rendered 1 ii! ftvsh in the recollection of Spain, she consented to 
make such a treaty. :ui 1, it n-rii-d .nit, ihu Spanish slave trade 
would have beeu as much abolished as that of liiM/il. (i: . 

" Profligate, shameless, and disgraceful," these are not very palat- 
able adjectives to swallow, especially when coupled with the sub- 
stantive noun "liar," which is implied tiy the expression "violation 
of good fait.h." The Don can hardly be a man of such proud stomach 
as lie was, if he digests without a qualm t In- Inrd words which are here 
hurled at him. But that we know he owes us far too much to quarrel 
with us, we might really almost fear that our giving him the lie might 
be made a castis bel-li. 

Having polished off the Don, the PREMIER next proceeded to pitch 
into BROTHER JONATHAN ; tempering his chastisement with an expres- 
sion of " regret," as one who paused between his blows to make them 
felt more poignantly : 

' I regret tosay that the people of this country have not lec.nvcd from the Govern- 
ment nftt-o Unitc.l Wntis that as- wewri! entitled to expect from a 
Government of free men. Thcynvo bound t>\ "ii,ae with England 
for the suppression of the fK Amount of naval force 
upon the l <>at of Africa. That engagement has been more or less fulfilled from 



time to time, but the American Government bavo prevented British cruisers from 
meddling with ships sailing under the American flag, except at their risk aud peril. " 

Another piece of his fraternal mind his Lordship thus gave BROTHER 
JONATHAN : 

" My noble friend made not long ago a proposal to the American Government 
which, if they bad really been disposed to cooperate with us in the suppression of 
the slave trade, I think they ought to have accepted. We and the American Govern- 
: ment stand upon a different footing In one important respect By the Act of 1S45 a 
1 British cruiser taking a vessel engaged la the slave trade without papers and witu- 
out any Indication of nationality la entitled to have it condemned by a British Court 
of Admiralty. The American* have not that power by their laws, and therefore 
when an American cruiser meets a shin even laden with slaves, but without any 
proof of nationality, she Is unable to do anything, because if she were to take the 
slaver Into an American port then is no American law by which a ship not American 
could be condemned for the crime of engaging in the slave trade. What happened 
on the coast of Cuba \ Wheu a slaver filled with slaves met an American cruiser 
she threw her papeni overboard, destroyed all proof of her nationality, aud so foiled 
, and baffled the enemy. When she met a British cruiser she became an American 
| ship, produced her papers, and, though filled with slaves, defied our people to touch 
her. Well, my noble friend proposed to the American Government that British and 
American cruisers should -Uways sail In couples, so that when they met a sluver, 
if she had destroyed the proofs of her nationality, the British cruiser might take 
her, while, on the other hand, if she showed American papers and coluurs, the 
might be seised by the American cruiser. (Hear, hear, and a lavfk.) Our proposal 
was declined, and therefore, as far as that method of putting down the slave trade 
in Cuba is concerned, we have been defeated." 

On hearing this, we calculate, the thoughts of BsorrfEB JOXATITAN 
may take somewhat of this shape ; " Wai, stranger, guess as heow 
yar PREMIER have a smooth edge toe his tongue, and haeve given ua a 
lick on it as smarts more nor than the rougn 'tin. By savin' as we 
doesn't lend a hand toe put down Slavery further than we re forced, 
he sorter seems to 'sinuate that our feelins is in favour of it. Y' see 
the old 'coon doesn't speak to us so sharp as toe the Spaniard, 
he knows we 're more thin-skinned, and when a lancet '11 draw bio d 
why thar's no need to use a bowie-knife. But when he says we're 
' bonnd by treaty to co-operate with England,' and ihen shows heow 
we sneak out of it whenever we've the chance, 1 kinder calc'late he 
puts us on the same shelf as the Don, and means us toe in-fer as beoir 
we 're tarred with the same stick. Wai, we air A great people, but 
our dander 's easy riz, and it aint allys easy toe be acting the magna- 
nimous. So 1 reckon as yar PRZMIEK had best keep hisself at home, 
and not come visiting the States, unless so be he haeve a taste for tar 
and feather. Our bhoys air all tired hot when their steam is fairly up, 
and just neow they're so explosive that a spark may make 'em 
dangerous. So, except he haeve a likin' toe be Lynched, 1 calc'late 
the old hoss had best not cross the millpond." 



116 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 16, 1861. 




SYMPATHY. 

BY A SWELL. 

THAT Dublin mawidge twial haw ! 

Most chawming histowy to wead ! 
Paw fellah ! what a hawwid baw ! 

A cwuel case faw him indeed ! 
A should not care faw wawing mobs, 

And having all the Pwess at one ; 
Because they 're such a set of snobs ; 

And vawtuous indignation 's fun. 

These nine days' wondaws soon elapse, 

What I should feel is being in, 
By Jove ! faw bigamy pawhaps ; 

At any wate faw lots of tin. 
I do admiaw the fellaw's pluck. 

Who, deeming manufactuas mud, 
Owns he don't pay the common wuck 

The same wespect as gentle blood. 

It may tawn out all wight at last, 

Most awnestly A hope it may ; 
And he, when all the wow is past, 

Will be LAD AVONMAW some day. 
But still, whoevaw feels, heneefawtb, 

Inclined to do that sawt of thing, 
He 'd better not go too faw Nawth, 

Naw tampaw with a wedding wing. 



Kites and the Spread Eagle. 

IT is argued that the EMPEROR OP AUSTRIA has no case 
against KOSSTJTH for printing notes to circulate in Hungary, 
because all sucli notes are mere waste paper. FRANCIS- 
JOSEPH, however, may truly reply that KOSSUTH'S paper is 
at least as good as his own. So much justice tliere may be 
iu the Imperial complaint ; though the pretence on whose 
behalf it has been put forward is flimsy. 



YOKEL. " Figure of Victory, is it? lie slw a PVylmj at Quoita, 



WHY is the Income-Tax like burying the collector ? 
Because it's the lasf duty we pay him. 



A TEIBUTE TO NORMANBY. 

NOHMANBY, NORMANBY, what 's the matter? 
No bee in your bonnet ? then Who 's your Hatter, 
Commissioned to build you a Cardinal's Hat? 
Otherwise what is your Lordship at ? 

You've become, within the last few years. 
The BOWYER, my Lord, of the House of Peers, 
I beg BOWYER'S pardon SIR GEORGE, no offence ! 
BOWYER'S premises granted, he talks some sense. 

The KIKG op NAPLES and POPE must render 
Much thanks to you as their chief defender; 
(living you credit for what you intend, 
Though whispering, " Save us from our friend." 

As holding the papal party's brief, 
Should any one of them come to grief. 
You make him your client o'er him fling 
The protection of a goose's wing. 

Priestcraft and tyranny thus to uphold, 
Yourself, old NORMASBY. wliy have you sold ? 
That you have become one of LOYOLA'S crew ? 
NOBMAXBY, NORJIAXBY, can it be true ? 

Has his Holiness granted you hose of red, 
And a scarlet broadbrimmer to grace your head? 
Your Eminence rather should si and on a stool, 
la the cap which crowns the Unwise at school. 



A Very "Fast Walker. 

Ii is a remarkable fact that the ships dispatched by the Admiralty 
to recall an A dmiral required to give evidence on Admiralty mismanage- 
ment, chased him in vain. Equally remarkable is the coincidence j 
between that fact and the gallant Admiral's name. What Admiral 
was it who was not to be found when he was sought so anxiously ? 
The necessary reply is WALKER! 



AN EXTRAVAGANT SCOT. 

N the paper which we pre- 
sume Lady Nacduff was 
reading when so disagree- 
ably interrupted by the 
emissaries of Kinfj Macbtttt, 
we mean the life Herald, 
we find this : 

" During the valentine seftsnn, 
a young gentleman, in the neigh- 
bourhood of Dunfennline, re- 
ceived a valentine from iihi^ow. 
in the shape of a real donkey, all 
alive :<nd kicking. It cs 
rait, and cost him 16/t. for, 
double the worth of his valen- 
tine. The point of the jnke is, 
that the fortunate receiver is one 
of the mounted Volunteers." 

Tin's seems a dreary joke,, 
but the Fife people know 
best. The only wonder is, 
that it did not occur to an 
economical Scotchman that j 
he might have made his joke 
much cheaper. The sender 
should have taken a third 
class ticket and visited the 
other the joke would have 
been exactly the same, as 
the Dunftrmline Volunteer would equally have received a donkey. 




Very Proper. 

THAT is an extremely disagreeable story about an Englishman being 
worried by a Bear at Berne. It is, however, thought to be a canard, 
but Government intend to send MR. EDWARD ELLICE to inquire into 
the matter. 



inted or William Bradbury, of No. 13 Upper Woborn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evina, ef No.19. Queen's Road West, Rejreat's Part, both la the Parish of St Paneran. in the County of Middlesex 
Printers, at their office ia Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Wbitefr.ars, in ilie City of London, auvt Published Oy them t No. 8i, Fleet Street, in the Parish 01 St. Bride la the City of London. 
A IV "PAT, March IG, IS61. 



MARCH 23, 1S61.] 



rrxni, or, THI-: LOXDOV rn \niYAiu. 




EMPHATIC! 

Soy (to Nurse). " WHAT DID YOU SAT ' MADE HER ILL ' ? " 

Nurse. "'ARK AT YOU, HALFBED ! I DIDN'T SAY, 'MADE 'EB HILL'; I SAID, 'SHE LITED 
AT MAIDA 'ILL ' ! " 



A BLOW FROM ACROSS TUB 

WA'i 

IN the speech that ABE LINCOLN made at 
Washington from the balcony of PILLARD'S 
Hotel (we call it PILLARD, for we had our 
portmanteau broken open there, and innu- 
i! sovereigns extracted therefrom), he 
told tl: ;- that the Government did 

not " intend to split hairs to deprive them of 
their rights." Was this allusion to "splitting 
hair:> " a sarcastic blow aimed at GLADSTONE, 
who has a kind of copyright in that par- 
ticular way of dividing his arguments': We 
should say that "spliuing rails" was much 
more in ABRAHAMS line. JUDGE DOUGLAS 
says that LINCOLN is so clever at that kind 
of handiwork, that it way he who first, intro- 
duced the split into the Union. Of course, 
this isn't true, and JUDGE DOUGLAS knows it 
isn't true; but it only proves how far the 
malevolence of partisanship will carry tome 
people. 



All Souls' Saved. 

THE judgment pronounced on behalf of 
the ARCHBISHOP or CANTERBURY in the case 
of All Souls' College, Oxford, will oblige the 
Warden and Senior Fellows of that seat of 
learning to elect candidates for its fellowships 
in future, on the simple grounds of their intel- 
lectual distinction and moral fitness, instead 
of choosing them principally on account of 
their aristocratic connections and bearing. 
In short, the effect of this decision, if it is 
not evaded, will be to prevent the gentlemen 
in question' from converting All Souls' into 
All Swells'. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

March 11, Monday. LORD CLANRICARDE wished to know a good 
deal about, Indian affairs, but the Government declined to oblige him. 
Mr. Punch fears that we shall soon hear a little more about Indian 
affairs than is pleasant, and perhaps the Government think that suffi- 
cient for the day is the weevil thereof, as the sailors say knocking their 
biscuits. The CHANCELLOR obtained a Committee to consider who are 
really entitled to come before SIR CRESSWELL CRESSWELL, about 
which there is much doubt, SIR CRES;WELL, for instance, having in- 
continently walked the YELVERTONS out of his court, declaring that he 
had nothing to say to them. This was unlucky, as we might have had all 
that remarkable trial performed at Westminster, and MR. EDWIN 
JAMES might have received the cheers with which the House of Com- 
mons greeted the victorious WHITESIDE on his resuming his seat. 
LORD DERBY sticks to his text about the houses of the working 
classes, and insisted on its being made an instruction to the Lords 
Railway Committee to report how many people any new scheme would 
turn out of house and home, and whether provision ought not to be 
made for the accommodation of the expelled. 

To-night LOUD CLARENCE PAGET brought in the Navy Estimates. 
Mr. Punck begs to put the matter uncommonly short. If BRITANNIA 
wants to rule the waves, she must pay for the honour. The Balance 
Sheet of Balance of Power stands thus : 



THEM FOREIGNERS. 
FHAXCE has . 2<i7 vessels afloat. 

.. 

And an army of 600,000 ol, 
And is 

V JX'SitU'U 

which, Jn war, 
will aid her to 
smash our 
commerce. 

. haa 



STAIN has 
ITALY has 



9 lino of battleships. 
IT frigates. 

'2 liny of battle ships. 
12 frigates. 

1 line of battle ship. 
IS irigates. 



MRS. BRITANNIA. 
ENGLAND has . . . 50~ vessets afloat. 

... 67 building. 
And an army of . 146,044 soldiers. 
(Without counting 
those in India, 
who would swell 
the number to 
212,773.) 

And- as France has about five times tho 
military force, and is doing everything to 
bring up her naval force to ours, and as 
.ill the other powers may join against us. 
MRS. BRITANNIA must make up her mind 
to spend her money. 



The above lucid statement shows the entire case at a glance. There 
was a debate, of course, and on Thursday, when MR. T. G. BAKING 
brought on the Army Estimates, there was another debate. The 



money wanted for the Navy was 12,029,475, being a decrease of 
800,000 from last year's estimate; and the money wanted for the 
Army was 14,606,751, being a decrease of 185,000 from last year's 
estimate. The state of Army and Navy was explained to be highly 
satisfactory; MR. BRIGHT abused the House and the Ministers, and 
the Services; and LORD PALMEBSTON declared, point blank, that 
France's policy had for some time been to increase her strength, so as 
to be a match for us, and the only way to keep peace with her was to 
make ourselves as strong as possible. Well, if PAM says this about 
his friend the EMPEROR, we must accept the situation, and the better 
educated among us must comfort ourselves by quoting Latin about ri 
vis patent which, Wiscount, does not mean a Peaceful Citizen, though 
that is a very good shot for you. 

Tvetday. MR. TOM DUNCOMBE moved a little resolution to the effect 
that we ought to have a Reform Bill. Him and his clap-trap did SIB 
GEORGE LEWIS demolish ; and MR. BRIGHT, the type of the Unrefined 
Radical, having somewhat curtly explained to Mk TOM, the type of 
the Refined Radical, that the proposition was perfectly useless, Ma. 
DTJNCOMBE withdrew the motion. Next did SIR GEORGE put down 
MR. SLANET, who wanted a Committee to consider how to improve 
1 the dwellings of the working classes. Then did MR. GIBSON squash 
MR. BESTINCK, who wants the Government to interfere for the pre- 
vention of railway accidents. Fourthly, did LORD JOHN RUSSELL set 
upon COLONEL SIKES, who had grievances about the Chinese War. LORD 
PALMERSTON obliterated SLR JAMESELPHIXSTONE, absorbing that party's 
little Navy Promotion Committee into the big Admiralty Committee, and 
there was a smart debate upon the names of Members to be appointed 
on the latter. The Government were quite victorious to-night. 

ME, LTGON brought in a Bill for the Voluntary Disgavelling of 
lands. The Wiscount, hearing the announcement, very naturally 
asked, why a person couldn't take gravel off his lands without an Act 
of Parliament, but it was courteously explained to him that the word 
was not dis-gravelling, but dis-gavelling, and that Gavelkind was a 
tenure of Anglo-Saxon origin, and that lands so held by a man who dies 
without a will go to all the sons equally, and if there are, luckily, no 
bothering boys, to all the girls. He was further told that all lands 
in Kent are "presumed" to be of this tenure until the contrary is 
proved, and that disgavelling means the arranging that the lands shall 
descend according to the ordinary rule of law. The W iscount was 
delighted at this acquisition of legal lore, whereupon his instructor 
was foolish enough to confuse his mind by telling him all about 



VOL. XL. 



us 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAECH 23, 1861. 



another queer tenure called Borough-English, and its history, the 
result of which was, that in informing his friend ME. WHITE, of 
Brighton, of his discoveries, the unfortunate nobleman stated that when 
a man bequeathed lands in Kent his youngest son was divided into 
equal parts, and buried in a gravel pit. So much for tasting only, 
instead of drinking deep of the Pierian Spring. 

Wednesday. The Opposition was quite victorious to-day. MR. 
LOCKE KIKG moved the Second Reading of his Bill for reducing the 
County Franchise to 10, and a long debate followed. Government 
did not want the Bill to pass, but being, of course, Reformers by pro- 
fession, were obliged to speak and vote for it, a state of things which 
was pointed out rather clearly than civilly by MK. BERNAL OSBORNE. 
LORD Jons RUSSELL indulged himself in an historical essay on all 
Reforms that had ever been heard of, described the Chandos clause 
(the 50 franchise) to have been "a subtle poison introduced into the 
blood of the Constitution," and pitched rather awkwardly into a detail 
of LORD DERBY'S Reform Bill. MR. DISRAELI was all alive, and of 
course pounced upon the weak part of his antagonist's speech, and 
complimented him upon his "extremely delicate reticence" in having 
never before revealed the secret of his objection to the Conservative 
Reform Bill. The " previous question " was moved, -and MR. LOCKE 
KING and his reluctant allies, the Ministers, were defeated by 248 to 
220. Checkmate to KING. 

The House then began a little fight upon a Bill for allowing all 
persons who object to Oaths to make affirmations instead, but six 
o'clock stopped the strife. 

Thursday. LORD LYTTELTON has a Bill for making it easier to split 
up dioceses, and set up new Bishops, and the Lords Spiritual and 
T. mporal had a couple of hours talk over it, and it was read a Second 
Time by 27 to 23. 

This was the Army night, as aforesaid. Eor particulars, see above 



balance sheet. No Errors Excepted, as Mr. Punch never makes 
any. 

Government introduced a Bill about the City Coal and Wine-Tax. It 
is proposed that both taxes, altogether Thirteen Pence, shall be con- 
tinued for ten years, but Ninepence of them to be paid into a fund for 
metropolitan improvements, including Thames Embankment. The 
tax at present extends twenty miles ; but it is in future to be confined 
to the police district. The arrangement is better than the existing 
swindlej but inasmuch as the improvement of London, and especially 
of the river, is a boon to all England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, and the 
Isle of Man, Punch does not see why London is to bear all the ex- 
pense. It is like painting, cleaning, glazing, and oilclothing the hall 
of a lodging-house, and then charging the entire expense on the parlour- 
floor lodgers, as if the drawing-rooms, and even the stingy gentleman 
in the two-pair back did not gain respectability by the outlay. 

Friday. LORD WODEHOUSE said that the account of the Polish dis- 
turbances, as published, was tolerably correct. Mr. Punch is happy to 
read that the Serf-Emancipating Emperor is too wise and too humane 
to let loose his soldiers upon the Poles, and appears inclined to act 
generously. LORD CRANWOHTII has moved the Second Reading of the 
smallest Law Reform Bill ever heard of. It enacts that in certain cases, 
an attorney's clerk, or law stationer, need not take his scissors and 
make the usual fancy scollop called " an indenture." LORD CAMPBELL 
scoffed mightily at such bosh, but let it pass. The Lords rose very 
early, probably to go away and read the last volume of LORD 
MACAULAY'S History, just issued. If so, they acted more wisely than 
is their wont. 

The Budget is fixed for the llth of April. The Miscellany of 
to-night was various, but not interesting. MR. GIBSON brought in a 
Bill for improving Harbours, which ALDERUAN SIDNEY said was much 
wanted, for the last time he took tea in a harbour the spiders fell into 
his cup uncommon. 



A CASEOUS NOTION OF COMFORT. 

NCOMMON is the 
pleasure with 
which we ex- 
tract the sub- 
joined announce- 
ment from the 
Express : 

" The REV. ED- 
WARD CHEESE, son- 
in-law of the BISHOP 
OF DURHAM, was in- 
ducted into the rec- 
tory of Haughtou- 
le-Skerne on Friday 
night. The REV. J. 
D. BADE, vicar of 
Aycliffe, aud about 
twenty parishioners 
were present. The 
rector, after the 
ceremony of induc- 
tion, went round 
and shook hands 
with his new 
friends, expressing 
his conviction that 
' he should find the 
parish a very com- 
fortable cue.' " 

No doubt a 
sufficiently rea- 
sonable convic- 
tion. Moderate 

work and ample pay are material elements of comfort. A parish which 
combines those advantages must be very unhealthy or barbarous to be 
uncomfortable. A contented mind is a continual feast, and the income 
of Hanghton-le-Skerne ought at least to be capable of insuring that 
blessing, unless ague or typhus or some other form of zymotic disease 
is endemic there, or the inhabitants are savages who annoy their mis- 
sionary. If the parish is salubrious, and the people are civilised the 
Rector must be very unhappily constituted to be otherwise than com- 
fortable. MR. CHEESE would be ill-tempered indeed to quarrel with 
his bread and butter, the butter being spread so thick as it is at 
Haught,on-le-Skerne. Cheese and butter are natural allies- and MH. 
CHEESE s preferment may be considered as their re-union. Let us 
hope that the spiritual richness of the Durham Cheese will warrant 
the high price that has been put thereon, and justify a Bishop's 
patronage. Why should not this Clieese become a caseous monument 
of piety and preaching as well as of preferment P In that case we shall 
rejoice to hear that the reverend incumbent of Haughton-le-Skerne has 
discovered himself to have been a prophet in expressing the not un- 
likely conviction that he should find that sphere of usefulness a very 




comfortable one. We recommend MR. CHEESE to preserve all the 
jokes that have been made, and severe things that have been said, at 
his expense. When he shall have vindicated his lucrative position by 
his successful ministry, he will then be enabled to look those attacks 
over occasionally after dinner, whilst sipping his glass of sound old 
port, and the recollection of them will enhance the comfort of the 
parish which he so naturally expects to find very comfortable. 



YOICKS, YOUR KEVERENCE ! 

JUST now that ecclesiastical hypocrisy is uncommonly rampant, it is 
quite pleasing to be able to quote any evidence of straightforwardness 
existing amongst the clerical body. There is, doubtless, among our 
English divines a party, however small, to whom the subjoined hand- 
bill will appeal as persons, or parsons, whom it may concern : 

To be Sold, with a prospect of Early Possession, 

THE NEXT PRESENTATION TO A RECTORY, 

In the most beautiful and picturesque part of North Devon, close to the Meets of 

the Devon and Somerset Stag arid Fox Houuds. Population 300. 

A Newly-built Parsonage-House, and about 5S Acres of Gooi Glebe. 

CLEAR YEARLY INCOME ABOUT 200. 

For further Particulars, and to treat for the purchase, apply to 
MESSKS. , &c. <tc. 

The above may be abused for a simoniacal advertisement. If it is 
such, the simony is all above board. It is not a sneaking simony. It 
does not cant about the cure of souls, and a sphere of usefulness ; it 
does not mention souls at all; says only " Population 300 ;" a popu- 
lation whose souls are probably, as the soul of their Rector is expected 
to.be, in the hunting-field. It honestly offers a good thing to a man 
in orders, who would like to be a gentleman farmer and fox-hunter. 
But where spirituality is so little in question, simony is a hard word to 
apply to the sale of a living. The rectory of 200 a year, situate in 
the most beautiful and picturesque part of North Devon, may not 
suit those of the Clergy who frequent May Meetings at Exeter Hall, 
but it will fit others who will do just as much good by riding to the 
Meets of the Devon and Somerset Fox-hounds, enjoying healthy 
recreation instead of unhealthy excitement. 

The " Prospect of early possession," held out as a motive for the 
purchase of this piece of preferment, must not be too hastily concluded 
to mean that the present Incumbent is old, or paralytic, or consump- 
tive, or affected with a disease of the heart, or predisposed to apoplexy. 
Still less can it be supposed to intimate that he is dymg of hard work 
m preaching and ministering to his three hundred parishioners. It 
may be merely intended to signify that he is a fox-hunting parson, and, 
as such, liable, any day of the week, except Sunday, to break 
his neck. 



MARCH 23, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



119 



WALKER'S WARBLER. 



THE BALLAD OF ADMIRAL WALKER. 

Now all you bold reformers of the Admiral-i-tie, 

And all you gallant Admirals come listen unto me, 

It "s of a doleful history I am about to tell, 

About bold ADMIBAL WALKER and the fate that him befell. 

'Twas in Admiralty dry-dock bold WALKER he did lie, 
All at his red tape moorings a-stranded high and dry, 
With a quill at his mast head, a flag of foolscap at his fore, 
And my Lords a firin' minute-guns outside his office-door. 

"Now clear your ship for action," ray Lords their signal flew 
And WALKER he looked bounoeable as he 'd been lookin' blue, 
" Up anchor, lads, and load your guns, my hearts of oak," says he, 
" My Lords they have giv'n orders to face the enemie." 

But soon bold WALKER looked more blue than he had looked afore 
When the Dockyard Committee down on his quarter bore, 
A pepperin' of his topsides with questions hot and hot, 
And their sea-lawyer-questions a-pourin' in, like shot. 

They raked him and they hulled him, and hit 'twist wind and tide : 
His tiller-ropes was shot away, his helm went yawin* wide; 
And down come his top-hamper, and deadened so his way, 
That damaged and disabled a sheer hulk there he lay. 

Then up and spoke bold WALKER, " I 'm blest," he says, says he, 
" If in a frame o' bowls like this again they ketches me. 
I'd face the French and Rooshians, if they was one to ten, 
But the shot of a Committee I'll never face again." 

" Refit your ship for action ! " again the signal flew, 

" Two more Committees bearin 1 down upon my Lords and you ! 

It's DUNCOMBE that bold pirate, and ELPHIXSTONE also ; 

Spite of my Lords they 've sworn to take the Admiraltie in tow." 

Then it's up and spoke bold WALKER, "Blow'd if I do! " says he. 
" You fight your ships ashore," he says, " I '11 fight your ships at 

sea." 

And down to Portsmouth Dockyard he takes a special train, 
Aud aboard o' the Narcissus his flag hoists at the main. 

"Now catch me, if you can," says he, "the wind great guns it 

blows ; 

But I 'd rather brave the tempest the worst o' that I knows 
Than face Committee's broadsides, the figures and the jaw, 
Paid out by them sea-lawyers, witii their lingo and their law." 

Bold DUNCOMBE stood upon the deck, his spy-glass to his eye, 
" Now, where 's stout ADMIRAL WALKER ? I cannot him espy." 
And ELPHINSTONE looked larboard, and starboard too looked he, 
But nothing of bold WALKER could either of them see. 

And "WALKEK! WALKER! WALKER!" my Lords began to cry, 
But those sons of guns of Echoes only " WALKER" did reply. 
They telegraphed to Portsmouth, but telegraphs was vain, 
They sent slow steamers arter, which they all came back again. 

And nobody has clapp'd an eye on WALKER since the day 
That out o' Portsmouth Dockyard the Narcissus steamed away. 
The wind it blew a gale ahead, but WALKER didn't mind, 
Along o' them Committees that was kickin" him behind. 

And still he 's somewhere cruisin" in the Channel chops we know 
Like the Flyin' Dutchman, stunsails set, aloft and eke alow : 
But blest if into Portsmouth bold WALKER steams again, 
While there's Committees to be met, and figures to explain. 



LOUD CRIES OF "WALKER." 

ON the " Railway Accidents " Debate, MR. JACKSON surprised us 

by stating : 

" The fact is, the whole railway world is at sea." 

Well, we should have thought the sea was about the last place the 
railway world would have thought of going to. Whatever can they 
want there ? Has Science overcome the great difficulty of laying down 
rails upon waves P At all events, they would have no lack of what is 
called "rolling stock." However, since the railway world it at sea, 
perhaps they would not mind, in the event of their falling in with SIR 
BALDWIN WALKER, stopping him, and telling him to come back 
immediately, as he is wanted at home. This act of kindness will save 
the Admiralty a deal of unnecessary trouble in sending slow ships to 
run after a fast one. 



THE CRUISE OF THE ADMIRAL. 

BI A3I ADMIRALTY POET. 

How gallantly, how pleasantly, he boundeth o'er the sa! 
From fears of close Committee rooms our Admiral is fi 
You see he knows a thing or two we wish kept snuely <l;irk, 
So we 've started off the Admiral, and cry God speed his bark ! 

'Tis terrible to think from him what awkward truths might come, 
What tongues he might untie which now are fortunately dumb ; 
I would not speak with levity, yet own I feel a doubt 
If even the Big Ship would hold the cats he could let out. 

'Tis he can tell what jobs are done beneath the naval roe, 
(,;m tell how 'tis the men don't come, and how the money goes: 
1 is he can say of all our fleet what ships are bad or good, 
And how, though iron's proved the thing, we still keep using wo id. 

'Tis lie knows all pur dockyards, and the cost of their delays : 
How bran new ships are turned to hulks, and rot in Hamoaze : 
How clever schemes get pooh-poohed by some pert official pup, 
And trial ships so oft break down, and then get broken up. 

He knows how many millions in repairs we yearly waste, 
And how old tubs are tinkered up with most expensive haste : 
He knows of all our gunboat fleet how few there are of use, 
How many paddles now won't work, how many screws are loose. 

Were he before Committee brought, what tales he might unfold ! 
How articles just paid for, as "old stores" are daily sold: 
The failures of our architects, and what their cost he "d tell, 
And how a ship that ought to sail too often proves a sell. 

He 'd tell how in our dockyards, when there 's urgent work on hand, 
There 'd come one day a telegram the job to countermand : 
Next week would bring an order to destroy what had been done, 
And ere the month was out.the work would be anew begun. 

They'd ask why ships are fitted out, and when in perfect trim 
Recalled, and all their hands paid off, for merest Whitehall whim ; 
Such questions might give rise perhaps to some unpleasant talk, 
So we said His name is WALKER, and away he 'd better walk ! 

We manned our fastest ship for him, the fleetest of the fleet : 
Then came the cry to call him back : with cheers the cry we greet. 
" Oh yes, be sure we '11 fetch him here What ho ! for sea prepare ! " 
And forth the tardy tortoise starts to catch the flying hare. 

So gallantly and gaily may the good ship onward fly. 
That bears away our Admiral from the House its hue and cry : 
And when the storm of rude remarks that threatens now is o'er, 
We '11 welcome our brave Admiral home to his native shore. 



"Walker is on* who Walks." /oAiuo*. 

SIR BALDWIN WALKER, says the Timei, " has been Surveyor of the 
Navy ever since SIR ROBERT PEEL'S time." Now, " Surveyor," says 
the Dictionary, is a synonym for "overseer," and of this word JOBS- 
SON gives the meaning "one who overlooks." Referring to WALKER 
the writer not the admiral we find this definition of the substantive 
confirmed : and we doubt not that Sot BALDWIN, were he brought 
before Committee (of which there seems to be not the slightest chance 
at present) would show that it had been his business not so much 
quite to look over as to overlook. 



What Affectation! 

HERE'S the EMPEROR OF AUSTRIA making a tremendous fuss 
because some one has been forging 100,000.000 notes on his Imperial 
Treasury ! We have no patience with such affected nonsense. Just 
as if so small a number as 100,000,000 Austrian bank-notes could be of 
the slightest value at any time to anybody ! The Emperor has more 
humour in him than we gave him credit for, and that is about the 
extent of the credit we should feel inclined to give him under his 
present reduced circumstances. 

POOR AUSTRIA! 

THE Venetians take their revenge against the Austrian bank-notes 
that are attempted to be forced upon them by stamping upon every 
one that comes into their hands the words of the print-illustrious 
Sentinel to NAPOLEON : " On ae poise pat id." 




GONE AWAY! 

YOU KNOW WHAT TO 

Miss mien. " So I WILL, ROBEET ! AND THAT 's WHY i AM TAKING HIM OFF THE NASTY HAKD ROAD, Pooa THING ! " 



Old Coachman. "Now, Miss ELLEN! Miss ELLEN! You KNOW WHAT YOUE PA SAID ! You WAS TO TAKE THE GEEATEST CAKE 
OF JOEY ! " 



"BEGGAR MY NEIGHBOUR." 
&n International Duct. 

LOUIS. 

" COME, MK. BULL, your purse is full, 
^ Let 's have a friendly game : 
See, here I play you my La Gloire, 
Now what 's the card you name P " 

JOHN. 
"I play my Warrior, a good card, 

And one I '11 freely back: 
Then follow suit with my Black Prince, 
ihe king of all the pack. 

" And so for every card you play 

You '11 find that I '11 play two; 
My purse is heavy, as you say 
Who '11 tire first, I or you '? 

" Your little game, my foreign friend, 

Is one that two can play : 
And he will be most sure to win 
Who can the longest pay. 

" But is it wise to waste our time 

(Nor is that loss the chief), 
In games that can do neither good, 
And may bring both to grief? 

" Throw up your cards, I'll throw up mine, 

And cease this fruitless labour : 
There's better work for each to do 
Than Beggaring his Neighbour ! " 



SPIRITUALISM AND QUARTER-DAY. 

As one of those four periods of the year at which rent is supposed 
to be paid, but is very frequently not paid, is now coming on, many 
persons who, unfortunately, are not in a position of ability to make 
that payment, may be getting anxious about their furniture, lest it 
should be distrained by the landlord. Under these circumstances, 
would it be possible, by the aid of a medium, to impart to tables a per- 
manent faculty of tipping and rapping implant a motive power in 
chairs and stools, and inspire coffers and chests of drawers with an 
energetic agency ? Because, if an execution were put into a house 
wherein all the furniture had been so spiritualised as to knock, and 
tilt, and walk about, and rock to and fro, and creak and crack, and 
otherwise behave itself as though actuated by intelligence, the sheriff's 
officer would be frightened away from the house. The broker would 
decline having anything to do with the bewitched goods and chattels. 
Among moveables constantly in voluntary motion around him, and 
making all manner of noises, the fellow in charge of them would feel 
himself too uncomfortable to remain. He would speedily obey the 
intimations conveyed by them in rapping out messages which he would 
interpret as unmistakeable requests to be off. The atmosphere of the 
sticks would be too hot to hold the Man in Possession, who would dis- 
cover them to be the subjects of a possession prior to his own ; effects 
possessed by emissaries of a personage worse than even his own 
employer. 

Notice of Motion. 

MR. PUNCH, to move that, with a view to save the public time and 
allow legislation to proceed, yet nevertheless to enable Honourable 
Members fond of talking to ask all manner of questions and make no 
end of speeches on the affairs of Europe, and other topics foreign to 
British interests, and to the purpose of Parliament, the whole Business 
of the Nation be referred to a Select Committee. 



MABOH 23, 1861.] 



PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



123 



OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT. 

" MY DEAR PUNCH, 

" HAVING the honour to be your 'Roving Correspondent,' I 
naturally feel it my duty to keep up my erratic character as much as 
possible. 1 have recounted to you my experience of various places 
from ancient, Rome to Modern Athens, and, later, have not allowed the 
paltry consideration of cab-hire to interfere with my Metropolitan pere- 
grinations in search of a text. But the question is now, in what 
direction to proceed. Shall I take counsel of the Muses bid then: 
saddle me Pegasus with all possible dispatch ? Alack ! Clio will no 
more come at my summons than MRS. KINAHAN, my laundress, who 
allowed me to ring seventeen times this morning before she answered 
the bell ; and as for Pegasus, I can scarcely afford to keep a cob. There 
was a humbler and more familiar winged creature to whom we appealed 
in early days. The form of invocation was, as far as I recollect : 

" Goosey, goosey, gander, 
Whither shall I wander! 
Up stairs, down-stairs. 
In my lady's cham ." 

" Psha ! The rhyme is manifestly incorrect, and besides any roving 
of such an exclusively domestic nature would soon become a dreary 
pilgrimage which 1 doubt if you would care to chronicle. 

" Do you take my allegory P London is a fruitful subject and in 
the season (I speak as a mere worldling, you know), few places are so 
charming as a residence, but we all like to leave it now and then, and 
when the last speech has been made in that Parliament which has but 
just assembled, when half the blinds in Belgrave Square are enveloped 
m brown paper, away will scud MONS. JONES, SIGNOR BROWN, and 
HERR ROBINSON to the Continent. I know their haunts. 1 have 
seen JONES for instance, at Chateau Rouge, in Paris, attempting to 
dance, and I give you my word, he signally failed. I could make you 
die with laughter by imitating poor ROBINSON and the appalling 
grimaces which he made over a dish of sauerkraut in the Baierischer- 
hof, Munich. As for BROWN, if any gentleman should be inclined to 
regard him as a mythical personage, I beg leave to offer my testimony 
to the contrary, for he lives within a sixpenny fare of my chambers 
now, and his son (VANDYKE) shared a studio with' me lately in Rome 
Rome ! why does my pen falter at that word P Was it not from the 
Eternal City that I first had the pleasure of addressing you P I hintec 
that I was at a loss for a subject. What if I were to 'try back? 
Italy is just now the great centre of European interest. Punch, on 
the other hand, is the great organ of public opinion. Rome is, or is 
to be, the great capital of Italy ; and I I am your humble servant, 
Ergo. Rome shall be my subject.* 

" Rome. Why did I go there P what route did I take? and how 
did I spend my time on the banks of the Tiber P these, methinks are 
questions which 1 might answer in a few letters that should be both 
amusing and instruc Well, perhaps I may say instructive too ; for 
rely on it, I shall treat of some matters which you will not find ii 
MURRAY'S Handbook, and. which neither NIEBDHR nor NIBBY have 
discussed. 

" So, with your leave, I will make bold at once to enter on 

"JACK EASEL'S JOURNAL. 

'I had just sold my first historical picture (yon will find it describee 
in the Royal Academy Exhibition Catalogue (No. 5099), viz., Conot 
rebuilding the Long Wallt at Athens, B.C. 393, when my old friene 
DICK DKWBEHRY, of Trin. Coll., Cam., looked me up at my humble 
studio in Soho. 

"DiCK, after having been twice plucked (and bearing that calamity 
on each occasion with wonderful resignation), had been up for hi 
degree a third time, and had just pulled through. So, before entering 
on his legal studies at the Temple, the youth had urged on his Papa, 
MR. D. (of that well-known firm DEWBERRY, DUMPS & DEWBERRY] 
the experience of a little foreign travel. The old gentleman, who ha 
a great notion of the benefits to be derived from 'seeing the world,' 
' expanding the intellect,' &c., &c., assented to the proposition with his 
usual good-nature, and out of his own library gave DICK, ALISON'S 
Hittory of Europe (large edition) ; GIBBON'S Decline and Fall of the 
Roman Empire (do. do. complete); FORSYTE'S Italy; SMITH'S Greek 
and Roman Antiquities; together with DR, LEUFBIERE'S Classical (and 
invaluable) Dictionary : without which celebrated works, as MR. 
DEWBERRY, SEN. (himself an old Carthusian, and Honorary Fourth at 
Oxford) justly remarked, no one possessing an average stock of intelli- 
gence can poisibly enjoy travelling in Italy. 

"I had quilted Eastminster School a couple of years before DICK, 
but we had both been fagged and licked at that time-honoured seminary 
together, and were in fact old chums; so that, being in very good spirits 
about the sale of my picture, and having worked very steadily for three 
months previously, D. D. did not find much difficulty in persuading me 

* We confess that we do not quite follow our friend's course of argument. His 
premises are plain enough, but their relation seems a little obscure. However, it is 



o join him and, over a modest little dinner at the Chanticleer, we 
agreed to start on the following Monday, and after stay ing a few weeks 
t Porto Franco, to make straight for Rome, where 1 intended to paint 
and TOM to read : the Eternal City Mac to quote again the words 
f Mn. DEWBERBT an inexhaustible mine of artistic and classical 
nterest. 

" To you, my dear Punch, who have no doubt nude the very same 
ourney yourself, I will not recount all the various little incidents which 
lappened on the road. Novel writers and lady journalists have 
hronicled such from time immemorial, and to my mmd the frequent 
ecurrence of the same species of anecdote has become rather a bore. 
To SAM SAUNTER or PEREGRINE SMITH who read these pages over 
heir coffee at the Cigar Divan, or after dinner at the Pallas Minerva 
31ub wha*, boots it, I say, to these gentlemen, to be told how rough 
the weather was in crossing the Channel, or what were our first im- 
jressions on landing at Boulogne ': Old CAPSICOMBE sipping his claret 
it the ' Wanderers ' could tell you a host, of anecdotes more entertaining 
,han that stupid one which D. D. repeats to this day, about the tipsy 
Irishman going into the lady's cabin on board the Baron Nosey, or the 
itnbarrassing mistake which the steward made in consequence of LADY 
PRISM'S bad French. Those blast old clubsters have experienced such 
passages, and gone through similar scenes a hundred tunes, and take 
no more notice of them in print than of a country cousin in Pall Mall, 
or a charity sermon at St. Grimes's. So we will, if yon please, make 
short work of the journey, and indeed scarcely anything happened in it 
worth recording, save that at Boulogne that scapegrace, MASTER 
DICK, confided to the care of the chef garron at the Hotel de 1'Europe, 
(until his return) most of the calf bound tomes which his fond father 
bad recommended to his attention, in order to make room for some 
ingenious French Romances more suited to his taste ; and that an un- 
pleasant little affair occurred at the well-known Botanical and Natural 
History Gardens of Mabille in Paris (after DICK'S second bottle of 
Cbablis), when some gem d'armet officiously interfered, and thus 
delayed us a few days longer than we had intended to remain in that 



famous city. 
" We slept a night at Dijon, where 



I am ashamed to say I quite 



forgot to ask for the celebrated mustard, which my old French master 
BAPREUR (he has never forgiven me) so particularly charged me to 
remember, and taking the steamboat at Chalons, where' I made a little 
sketch and an enormous dinner, we went down the Soane and Rhone 
very pleasantly to Marseilles, and the next day embarked on board the 
Crache-feu (CAPTAIN BOWLES) for Porto Franco, having paid our fare 
in the ' aft,' including dinner, with as much of that quality of wine, 
very properly called ordinary, as we could drink at a sitting. Enough, 
however, they say is as good as a feast, and since this letter is suili- 
ciently long already, you shall hear more of that banquet in my next. 



' Faithfully yours, 



" JACK BASIL." 



THE REFORM BREEZE. 
LORD JOHN has received the following letter : 

" Dear sir, hearing a> how your In want of a Little Brwio to cary the reform 
bit over the bar of the ouse of lords, 1 ben to say M how Ira aafral cart lodes of 
the same wery much at your dJipodgal which 1 hope Kodipeokfolly we ahall com* 
to tumi, and 1 

" remain. Dear Blr, JOHK, 
" Your mnble San-ant, 

" MiONOS CAKTCR D\HK, 

" D*tt Pooncayor to Her Madjaty." 

LORD JOHN, we are informed, has not as yet deigned to send a 
reply. Perhaps, his Lordship, with his usual astuteness, looks upon 
it as a hoax. 

By the bye, LORD JOHN wanted a breeze for the Reform Bill, and it 
strikes us that he has come in for it himself; and such an unnatural 
parent deserved blowing up a little for abandoning his offspring. 



Painful Imprudence. 

ONI of the declarations relative to Buoys and Revitvi which, signed 
by numerous Clergymen, have appeared in the papers, actually contains 
paginal references to those parts of that volume which the gentlemen 
whose signatures are attached to the manifesto condemn as heterodox. 
We abstain from quoting the numbers of the pages indicated by the 
reverend gentlemen. If Essays and Reviews contain sceptical passages, 
Mr. Punch at least will not furnish them with an index. 



just possible he may be right in his deduction, and, to say the truth, wo 
have mislaid our WHITELY. 



REFORM ANTI-REFORMERS. 

THE loss of MR. LOCKE KING'S motion for the redaction of the 
County franchise suggests a consideration to which our friends the 
extreme Liberals should take heed. It is this, that the country is 



happen to Retting sick of debates about reform which, by impeding useful legis- 
I lation, hinder practical reforms. 



124 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 23, 1861. 




QUITE A LEGAL LINE. 

THE moral pliilosophy respecting gentle blood 
; professed by MAJOR YELVERTON has elicited 
certain statements attributing a low origin to 
the House of AVONMORB. In reply to these, 
another member of the YELVERTON family has 
written a letter to the Irish Times, assuring the 
editor of that journal that "there is no older 
or better blood" than theirs in the country. 
Of this assertion he advances the following 
proof : 

" The YELVERTOXS can show four chief judges in their 
pedigree." 

Ok! The YELVERTOXS can show four chief 
judges m their pedigree, can they ? They can 
also show a defendant in a celebrated civil action. 
I They will be lucky if they have not further to 
| show an eminent culprit. To four ornaments of 
the ermine it will be well for them if there shall 
not be added a notoriety of the bar, at which 
the heir of a judicial House may possibly be 
indicted for bigamy. Then their descendants- 
will have had four ancestors on the bench and 
one in the dock. 



OW MARY HANNE FOLLOWS THE FASHION. 



Note on Naval Estimates. 

WE want more iron-clad steamers. What 
next ? Not anything at present, perhaps ; but 
by-and-by our Warriors and Slack Princes will 
be abolished by the discovery of some new pro- 
jectile capable of sinking or smashing them ; and 
then our ironsides will take their place with 
Brown; Bess among a class of antiquities which 
will be'pronounced rusty. 



A CHOKER FOR HIGH CHURCHMEN. 

CONSIDEBABLE ability is shown by the religious newspapers, so 
called, in catering for the theological palate of their respective readers. 
It is possible, however, to cut hypocritical humbug too fat. For 
example, take the subjoined slice from the Union, mockpopish organ : 

" PRATERS FOR THE POPE. Wo ore surprised that the clergy have not publicly 
asked the prayers of their congregations for the suffering church in Italy, and for 
POPE Plus NINTH, so sorely tried just now. Surely, whatever may be the different 
shades of opinion prevailing in the Church of England with regard to the Roman 
branch of the Church catholic, and the Bishop of Rome, its earthly head, no High 
churchman at least can refuse to supplicate the Divine Head of the one holy catho- 
lic and apostolic church, that it may please Him to comfort and relieve our afflicted 
sister Church according to her several necessities, giving her patience under her 
sufferings, and a happy issue out of all her afflictions." 

This lump of gammon is a little more than big enough for the widest 
"Anglo Catholic" swallow. The most gullible frequenter of " S." 
Barnabas would choke in the attempt to gulp " the suffering church in 
Itajy," and the POPE, " sorely tried ; " supposed to be tried and suf- 
fering as undergoing persecution and martyrdom. The very incumbent 
of St. George's-in-the-East, if he has not altogether gone over to Rome, 
can hardly hold, and be prepared to pray for, the temporal sovereignty 
of the Roman Pontiff. The Union, moreover, rates the understanding 
of its subscribers ridiculously low in inviting them to offer prayers for 
the BISHOP OP ROME, regarded as the head of one branch of the 
Church Catholic, whilst they acknowledge the ARCHBISHOP OF CAN- 
TERBURY as the head of another. As if every high Churchman did not 
very well know himself to be disowned by the POPE as a heretic and a 
schismatic, and was not aware that the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY 
has been solemnly abolished by a Papal edict superseding that prelate by 
an ARCHBISHOP or WESTMINSTER. As though every fool, the greatest 
in Pimlico, required to be informed that even if DR. PUSEY himself 
were to die in his Puseyism, his very remains would be denied burial 
in a Roman Catholic cemetery. Pray for the POPE ? very proper ; 
very proper ! as a late Royal Duke used to say. Pray for the POPE, 
yes, to be sure ; along with Jews, Turks, Infidels, and Heretics ; and 
you will reciprocate the charity which the earthly head of the Roman 
branch of the Church Catholic may possibly vouchsafe to exercise 
towards yourselves. The Union seems to suppose its party ignorant 
of the fact that the POPE no more recognises them than he does the 
Recordites, and that he anathematises the " Anglo-Catholic " Church 
head, body, and limbs. The Record, indeed, might consistently advise 
its readers to pray for the POPE, without insulting their intellects. 
Pray for those who curse you, would perhaps be the suggestion of our 
evangelical contemporary. But the Union, in affecting to make 
common cause politically with Pio NONO, betrays, or rather parades, 



a ridiculous contempt for the minds to whose prejudices its business 
is to purvey. As a commercial speculation dealing with educated 
men, the pseudo-papistical journal should beware of laying it on too 
thick. We beg the Union's pardon if it is genuinely papistical, and 
conducted by Jesuits, who merely write under orders from their 
General, and have a dispensation for pretending to be English parsons. 



ATTRACTIVE NOVELTY. 

A NEW invention, which promises to revolutionise the system of 
naval warfare, is hereby proposed to the notice of the Admiralty. The 
idea in which it consists is that of constructing an immense iron screw- 
steamer, considerably bigger than the Great Eastern, to contain a huge 
magnet, maintained in action by means of a galvanic arrangement 
carried on board. The superior swiftness of so large and powerful a 
vessel would enable her easily to overtake one of much smaller size. 
In case, therefore, the Gloire, or any other of the iron-clad frigates 
which our allies are building, threatened to be troublesome, the mag- 
netic monster ship would have simply to run after her and get within 
hail of her, when the force of attraction would terminate the 
chace. The big vessel would attract the little one as a child with a 
toy-magnet draws a little boat to the edge of a wash-hand basin. The 
enemy might thus be quietly towed into port ; for her fire would be 
ineffectual against her gigantic adversary, from whose deck shells 
might be dropped, and prussic acid, cacodyle, and melted iron poured 
into her, if necessary. She might, however, be safely suffered to blaze 
away, offering her captor a resistance similar to the kicks and cuffs 
wherewith a little pickpocket struggles against the policeman who is 
dragging him along. The expense of this addition to the Navy would 
not be small ; but in for a penny in for a pound : in for a great deal 
more than tenpence in the pound. What it cost us in electro-mag- 
netism we should save in gunpowder, for there would be small need 
for a ship to carry guns when armed with an all-powerful galvanic 
battery. 

Members of the same Family that are very Distant to 
one Another. 

WASHINGTON is generally known as the " City of Magnificent Dis- 
tances." We think, if the gulf keeps widening, that title will have 
to be taken from the capital, and given to the country at large ; for if 
these secessions and ruptures continue much longer, it will be America 
itself that will soon be known as "THE NAHON or MAGNIFICENT 
DISTANCES." 



MARCH 23, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



125 







OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 

0, dear Punch, these 
.letters of mine are 
iniiiting a sensation. 
"After what I have 
both heard and read, 
it would be affected in 
me to deny it. Nor 
can I conceal the fact 
that what I write is 
not very pleasing to 
the press, however 
welcome and agree- 
able it may be to the 
public. From the 
tone in which some 
few of your contempo- 
raries have talked of 
it, one would think 
dramatic criticism 
now were a close 
borough, and that a 
free and independent 
voice could not be 
suffered in it. It is 
as though a cuckoo 
had crept into a spar- 
row's nest, and had 
set the family party 
all chattering and 

chirping. One writer accuses me of paying very readily and writing very ill, 

while another talks about my ' inexperienced prejudice," and says my ' gentle 

dulness ' has no discrimination, and only can defame. 
" I find these latter compliments in a paragraph which calls you ' our satirical 

hebdomadal,' and thus comments on your presence not long since at Drury Lane : 

" The press has well nigh unanimously passed their veto on MR. KEAN aa a great actor ; the 
public have endorsed this decision with a forest of hands, and resounding peals of applauao. How 
comes it Mr. Punch must needs creep up in a corner, and with one or two congenial spirits, hiss 
when nobody else does ? " 

" I would that what this writer states were literally true, and that the press 
had really ' passed their veto on MR. Ki AN.' But unhappily the press, with one or 
two exceptions, has done just the reverse, and has ' werry much applauded' what 
it ought to have decried. In thus misleading the public to form a wrong conception, 
the press, as I conceive, has done itself no good, and has done the public harm : 
and when the latter learns how it has been misled, it will cancel all its confidence 
in those who have misguided it. The duty of a critic is to point out imperfections, 
and to praise what is well done. But his standard of excellence should by his 
judgment and experience be higher than his readers', and his remarks should tend 
to elevate and correct the public taste. When he cracks up MR. KEAX as a ' most 
consummate artist,' he betrays a faulty judgment, or states what he knows is 
false. The public for a while may 'endorse his decision,' but depend on it ere 
long they win use their own discernment, and refuse to be misled. Why I chiefly 
blame such writers is, that the course they are pursuing is degrading to the 
press, which must cease to be looked up to for integrity or taste. To applaud 
without a word of censure such a Hamlet as CHARLES KEAN'S, is to show a 
thorough lack of judgment and experience, such as clearly must unfit a critic for 
his post. Of course the public may cry Bravo ! without thinking much about it, 
but a critic is responsible, and should be careful where he claps. It may seem 
snobbish to quote Latin in answer to a writer who doesn't know what the word 
' veto ' means, but if any British playgoer asked me how to recognise the Hamlet 
of CHARLES. KEAN, I would tell him, in the words of HORACE (slightly altered) 

" Si quid novistl vilius tato, 
Candidus imperti : si non, hits ntere mecum." 

"I have not yet seen the Chimney Corner, of which I hear good tidings; but 
if people want a contrast to that quiet piece, I should advise their taking a seat 
at Drury Lane and a sight at the Savannah. They who like to sup on horrors 
may here have quite a surfeit ; but they had better put some cotton in their ears 
before they go, or they may run a risk of being deafened by the firing. ' Pop goes 
the Rifle* is the tune throughput the piece ; and when the curtain falls there is a 
regular double-barrelled rattling fusillade, [with the addition of some big guns 
banging in the distance. However much one wants to emigrate, one would not 
like to live in Mexico, if what one sees in the Savannah be a true picture of 
existence. The scenery, indeed, must be worth going to look at, if it be only 
half as beautiful as MR. BEVERLET has painted it ; out a nervous man would 
hardly appreciate its loveliness, beset as his each step would be with robbers, 
tigers, rifle-bullets, poisoned flowers, and boa-constrictors. By the way, I never 
saw a boa-constrictor on the stage before, and I must notice its debut as quite a 
' startling novelty ! ' It wriggled through its part with all the ease of an old 
stager, and the effect which it, produced was literally screaming. 

As for attempting a description of the plot of this new drama, it would puzzle 
a Machiavel to give the merest outline of it. Enough that MR. RYDER is recog- 
nised at once as a hoarse and hairy villain, and MRS. CHARLES J. MATHEWS as 
his interesting victim : her husband being fitted with a harum-skarum character, 



which enables him to turn up whenever he is wanted to 
act as a relief to the horrors of (lie piece. Those who saw 
MR. MATHEWS in the Overland Mail may have some notion 
of his power of adapting himself to circumstances, and 
will hardly stare to see him emerge from swamp and 
jungle, as cool and self-possessed as though from Bond 
Street or Cbeapside, arrayed in ' zephyr coat ' untora and 
a pair of spotless boots. Nor, after the first act or two, 
will they much wonder at the other miracles they witness ; 
as, for instance, troops of ballet-girls appearing in full tig 
in the middle of a prairie: both rulh'ans and rescuers 
again alive and kicking, whom they a while ago beheld, 
' beforej'their very eves," shot, drowned, poisoned, thrown 
down torrents, tied upon wild horses, brained with mas- 
sive (saw-dust) boulders, or hurled headlong into chasms 
of unfathomable depth. It may seem strange, and not 
quite natural, that a score of well-armed rullians should 
wait for night to lie in ambush for a couple of Cockney 
tourists, whose only weapons were a pistol and a Poit- 
Qgiee Directory ; but nature in these cases must give way 
to stage effect : and when four men dodge round tree- 
trun .s in the Yankee style of duelling, we must not 
wonder to see one of them rush out of hit hiding-place, 
make full a minute's speech of most unbearable abuse, 
and not till then be shot at (and missed at three yards 
distance) when he had quite finished it. This quadrangular 
, combat, which comes by way of climax to the comic 
I situations, gave me a new insight into backwood fighting. 
I was not aware before that, in ' primeval forests,' rifles, 
ready-loaded, grew behind the trees ; yet that such must 
be the case was dearly shown in the Savannah, for at 
least a dozen shots were fired by the four duellists, and 
I am quite certain that not one ol them re-loaded. 

" Altogether I most own that I relished the Savannah 
much more than I did Hamlet, as seen lately at this theatre, 
although some parts of the latter were vastly entertaining, 
and I think, too, the subordinates engaged at Drury Lane 
are seen to more advantage in such pieces than in SHAKS- 

PEARE. 

" To close the evening's entertainment, which was over 
very rationally soon after eleven (I wish that every cur- 
tain would drop as the clock strikes) there was some 
pleasant dancing by MADLLE. DI RUONA, who is both quick 
and graceful in what she undertakes. It is not often that 
these epithets can with truth be coupled, and when I say 
that this young dancer can use her tongue well-nigh as 
neatly as she can her legs, I am giving her more praise t ban 
most of her profession are likely to deserve. I may add 
Le Sat det Pitrrott is quite worth staying to see, and does 
credit to the comic powers of MONSIEUR KNAACK, who 
besides the talent for arranging pretty groups, has himself 
decidedly a knaack of comic dancing. 

"ONE WHO PATS." 



ASTONISHING BLUNDER. 

BISHOP TROWER, in introducing the clerical deputation 
which waited upon the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY the 
other day to deliver their protest against Etsayt and 
Reviews, observed that the address they had assembled to 
present had been signed by " nearly SOOO of the clergy, 
including Deans, Archdeacons, and Professors at the 
Universities of every shade of opinion." The Bishop 
might as well have said nothing about the different shades 
of opinion prevalent amongst his associates. To so many 
various shades what is the addition of one more shade, 
lighter or darker? It is difficult to see how a body of 
every shade of opinion can unite in condemning any shade 
of opinion; and if they do, one would feel disposed to 
say that, in point of honesty, they were not particular to 
a shade. 



A New Point of View. 

WE have often heard persons say, " Oh ! I saw it at 
once with half an eye." Now we never could make out 
what " half an eye " was ; for though we have seen all 
kinds of eyes, yet we never recollect having seen half a 
one, unless perhaps it was what children call a bull's-eye. 
We suppose that half an eye is a day-pupil. 



THE BISHOP or DURHAM'S EXCUSE TOR ms PATEOS- 
AGE. " CHEESE always cou.es iu before Dessert." 



126 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 23, 1861. 




DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES. 



HERE WE SPIRITS ARE AGAIN! 

GLANCING at the Era, the other day at breakfast, we found that our 
digestion was considerably disturbed by this startling bit of news : 

THE SPIRIT OF JOEY GRIMALDI YET WALKS THE EARTH. 
THEATRE ROYAL, JUMPINGTON. Notice to Proprietors of First-class 
Theatres, Gardens, Concert Halls, Circuses, &c. Moss. FANFAROS. the great 
Bending Contortionist, Tumbler, Gymnast, and Pantomimist, now fulfilling a most 
successiul engagement as Clown at the above Theatre, will be at liberty March 4th, 
1S61. Managers requiring his services please address as above. All letters promptly 
attended to. P.S. Engagement in Scotland or Ireland preferred. 

Good gracious ! we exclaimed ; have the Spirits come to this ? Are 
they summoned from the vasty deep, or wherever else they come from, 
not merely to turn tables and play tricks with the furniture, but to go 
about the provinces in pantomimic troops, tumbling, bending:, and con- 
tortionising for country folk to gape at ? A hard fate it is doubtless, 
to be called up into drawing-rooms to dupe a pack of fools with 
rappings and with tappings, and with twinings, and with tiltings, and 
with all the hackneyed tricks of pantomimic spirit utterance; but 
how much worse must it be to have to wander about the world the 
ghost of what one was, and to tickle country bumpkins with the ashes 
of one's wit ! Alas ! poor Yorick ! Eheu ! poor JOEY GB.IMALDI ! 
Is there then no peace for your perturbed spirit ? We thought the 
last shred of your mantle, JOE, had long since disappeared, torn to 
atoms imperceptible in the struggle that arose for It. We fondly 
hoped at length you were allowed to be at rest, and that no disturbing 
hand would evermore intrude upon you. But it seems we were 
deceived. Here you are again, we see, heading an advertisement, and 
lugged in neck and heels to puff a clumsy plagiarist. Nay, who knows 
but you were forced to pen the puff yourself ? Spirits have been made 
of late to give the world their autographs, and why should they not be 
induced to write their own advertisements ? This, strange though it 
may seem, is a more reasonable presumption than that a living man 
with brains should pen what we have quoted. 



A Whisper in the Ear of Brother Jonathan. 

KEEP together, whatever you do. Maintain the Union at any risk. 
We tell you and Punch never was wrong yet that the secret of 
America's strength is gone, like every secret, the moment it is split. 



IF MR. ROEBUCK will promise never to return to his disconsolate 
constituents at Sheffield, his late extraordinary conduct on the Austrian business 
will be forgotten, and, if possible, forgiven ; and, on their side, tho constituents 
promise most solemnly that they will never make another effort to seek the future 
return of MK. ROEBUCK. JOHN ARTHUR, along Adieu. Grinder's Hall, March 1C. ' 



ABORIGINAL POEMS FOR INFANT MINDS. 

BY LORD MACAUtAl'S NEW ZEALANDER, 
I. 

CHACKABOO, chickaboo, chuckaboo, chew, 
Mark baby over with pretty tattoo ; 
Cut in the pattern like open-work tart : 
Rub in the powder, and make baby smart. 

it. 

Catch a little white boy, catch him by the leg, 
Kill a little white boy, get the crumbs and egg, 
Fry a little white boy, do him brown and dry, 
Put him on the table with the missionary pie. 

in. 

Tattoo him, tattoo him, artist-man, 
So we will, father, as fast as we can, 
Prick him, and prick him, and mark him with V, 
For the name of the QUEEN that lives over the sea. 

IV. 

Will my baby go a courting. 

Yes, and so my baby shall : 
Take his club and bang the lady : 

That 's the way to court the gal. 

v. 
fie, naughty WANG-WANG, don't scratch little brother, 

You're spoiling his pattern, you mischievous dunce : , 
Live like good little cannibals, love one another 

Or Mamma '11 take you both, dear, and eat you at once. 

VI. 

What, cry when I'd cook you. not like to be stewed S 
Then go and be raw, and not fit to be food. 
Until you leave off, and I see that you've smiledj ' 
I shan't take the trouble to eat suck a child. 



Misfortune Never Comes Singly. 

" WELL, I declare, it 's just like my luck (exclaimed a poor 
unfortunate merchant in the Borough) here have Hops been rising 
lately ever so high, and now, I 'm told, the Poles have risen also." 

ADVICE TO A MUSICIAN OF THE FUTURE. Try BACH. 



Printed br WUlUm Bradbury, of No. 13, Upnfr Wobnrn Plee. and Frederick Mullett Ean, o' .fo. 19, Queen's Road Wet, Resent^ Park, both in the Parinh of St. I'anrrm, In the Conntj of MiddleMv 
Prtnteni, at their Office in Lombard Strai, in the Precinct of IVMtefriin, in the Citj' of London, and FubBthsu by them at No. 35, Fleet/Street in the Parish of St. Bride, in t Uty ol 
London. SATURDAY, March 23, 1551. 



MARCH 30, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



127 




WHATEVER MAT BE A FRENCHMAN'S DEFECTS, HE AT LEAST KN-OWS HOW TO 
DBESS AND ISN'T THE HAT HE NOW \VEABS A SWEET THING ! 



THE SCARLET ROY Mi:. 

SINKS it at last to rite no more, 
The thing miscalled the Hark of PITER ? 

Oft. has it been capM/,cd before, 
To right again ; and men discreeter 

Than once, the hopeful thought will check 

That Pirate is at length a wreck. 

Yet neither boasts the Pirate's crew, 

With unassailable foundation, 
That she has passed all scatbless through 

The tempest and the tribulation, 
By every storm her hull was shattered, 
Her yards were snapped, her sails were Uttered. 

Three hundred years ago she sprang 
A leak, which calkin? roughly mended; 

And picans, prematurely song, 
Too soon proclaimed her voyage ended, 

\V'ien PETER'S Bark her first great shock 

Sustaining, struck on PETER'S Rock. 

Refitted and repaired again, 

She still some while the gale may weather; 
A lie believed by many men 

Will hold a length of time together. 
She may not founder now, nor tumble 
At once to bits ; may slowly crumble. 

But see, her mainmast "s nearly g/>ne ; 

Her timbers are completely shivered ! 
Her company may yet hold on, 

Although her captives are delivered, 
'Tis almost, if not quite, all over 
With that old craft, the Scarlet Rover. 



There are no Children Nowadays. 

Fond Parent. Shame on you, JULIA ! You know you have 
been out to a number of parties this season. Weren't you 
out last Tuesday, Miss ? 

Young Lady (of about nine yean of age). Psha! I don't 
call that a party. Why, there were no ices ! ! ! 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

Nareh 18, Monday. The Schleswig-Holstein question is making 
LORD ELLISD BOROUGH uncomfortable, and he thinks that the Prussians 
are disposed to begin a war with Denmark, that in this case France 
will take part, with t lie latter, and so a general disturbance will be 
brought 9n. LORD WODEHOUSE endeavoured to calm the elephantine 
mind by informing its owner that the KINO OF DENMARK (made an 
important concession as to the taxation grievance in Holstein, and 
there were hopes of a pacific termination of the affair. 



In both Houses to-night Addresses of Condolence were 
voted to HER MAJESTY, who, on the preceding Saturday, 
had been deprived of her admirable parent, the DUCHESS 
OP KENT. LORD GRANVILLE and LORD DERBY, in the 
House of Lords, and LORD PALMEHSTON and MR. DIS- 
RAELI, in the House of Commons, gave graceful expression 
to the feelings with which the sorrows of the QUEEN are 
regarded by her people. 



The Conimons worked at the Bankruptcy Bill, which, after a great 
deal of discussion, went through Committee, but with reservations of 
important clauses. Later in the week these came in again, and SIR 
HUGH CAIRNS compelled the abandonment of the proposed provisions 
for dealing with the insolvent estates of deceased persons, which bits of 
the Bill were melodramatically called the Dead Man's clauses. There 
is still great uneasiness felt lest the Bill should give a tradesman 
power to turn a gentleman into a bankrupt while he is away at Baden 
or on the moors, and in the course of one of the debates SIR RICHARD 
BETH ELL told MR. ROEBUCK that there was no more danger of such 
a thing than there was 9f MR. ROEBUCK'S being made bankrupt while 
he was away in Austria, being petted by archduchesses in gilded 
saloons, a poke which amused the House. Finally, after various 
divisions, it was arranged that the Bill should be re-printed, and the 
Third Reading taken directly after Easter. Such is the progress of the 
real measure of the session. 



Tuesday. One for the Dissenting Nob. The Second Reading of a 
Bill for making people on their taking certain offices (not chambers, 
WiscDunt, but situations) take also vows not to injure the Church of 
England, was moved by LORD TAUKTOX, and opposed by LORD 
CHELMSFORD, who insisted that the time when Dissenters were doing 
their hardest to upset the Church, was not the time to make con- 
cessions to them. A majority of the Lords, 49 to 3S, took the same 
view, and the Bill was sent flying. 

When the Afghanistan business had to be discussed, years ago, the 
despatches of SIR ALEXANDER BURNES were published for the use of 
Parliament. But the editors of the work, being ministers, and much 
more concerned to vindicate themselves than to save the reputation of 
SIR ALEXANDER, cut down his matter with exceeding freedom. The 
excised portions of the correspondence are stated to place SIR A. B.'s 
character in a very different light from that in which it stood at the 
time, and his friends are naturally anxious to have the subject investi- 
gated. Mr. DUKLOF brought the question up, and some very strong 
language was used on both sides. LORD PALMERSTON defending the 
mutilation, and being much abused, therefore, by MB. BRIGHT, who 
declared that a felonious offence had been committed. MR DISRAELI 
came to the rescue after his peculiar fashion, and demanded why MR. 
BRIGHT, if he thought LORD PALMERSTON a party to felony, had voted 
confidence in him a couple of years ago ? Two divisions were taken, 
but 15S to Gl, and 150 to 49 are numbers that show how little the 
House is induced to rake up old grievances. 

Wednesday. SIR JOHN TRELAWNY desires to introduce reforms 
I into the system of County Rating, and to give the rate -payers some 
little control over the magistrates. SIR JOHN PAKTXGION, for the 
county gentlemen, has no idea of any such impertinence, and the 
second baronet beat the first, and the Bill by which it was proposed to 
effect the purpose was rejected on Second Reading. A MR. BEST 
seems to have given PAKINGTON and the Worcester magnates vast 
offence by alleging that they govern by means of a clique, to which 
the other justices are subservient, and SIR JOHN declared that MR. 
BEST'S allegation was a falsehood, and that he was a baffled candidate 
for oflice. The second part of the proposition may be true, and yet the 
first may not be; but there is nothing like imputing motives, the 



TOL. XL. 



128 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 30, 1861. 



generous British public likes personal charges, and usually interests 
itself ten times more about them than about the principles involved in 
a quarrel. 

Thursday. Those disreputable islanders, the lonians, have been 
rnaking another demonstration, insulting British rule, and clamouring 
about being annexed to Greece. The Lord High Commissioner, SIR 
HENRY STORKS, has very properly shut them up by shutting up the 
Assembly in which their antics are performed. It is difficult to make 
the Ionian idiots understand that England would as soon wash her 
hands of them as not, but that she keeps the islands, by the particular 
desire of certain persons of distinction, in order to be ready to protect 
the Mediterranean against certain other persons of distinction, and 
therefore all the capering and vapouring of the lonians is beside the 
question. The DUKE or NEWCASTLE did not say this, in answer to 
LOKD NORMANBY, but had better have done so, and hereby receives 
31r. Punch's permission to say it the next time NORMANBY talks non- 
sense a date by no means resembling the Greek kalends. 

The Lords, by a majority of 33 to 25, threw out a useful Bill for 
demolishing Holywell Street and widening the Strand. LORD REDES- 
DALE opposed the measure, saying that private persons ought not to 
have compulsory powers to take the property of other persons. Con- 
sidering that this is exactly what every railway company is empowered 
to do, the objection seems futile ; but what is the use of reasoning 
with a Lord who can command a majority. Two Cabinet Ministers 
spoke for the measure, which it may be supposed is merely postponed, 
as the foulness for which REDESDALE made fight is becoming intoler- 
able. That night Holywell Street was illuminated, LORD REDESDALE'S 
health was drunk in flowing kevarterns of gin, several shovels of 
potatqe-parings were given away toihe poor, and the utmost enthusiasm 
prevailed until the Police arrived. 

MR. BERKELEY asked SIR G. C. LEWIS why theatres are closed 
when Royal deaths occur, and music-halls and casinoes are left open ? 
SIR GEORGE explained that the authorities had power to interfere only 
with the more reputable places of entertainment ; but he had an idea 



of legislating. While he is about it, could he do anything in favour of 
the unfortunate actors and actresses, who are the only people in 
London who have real and personal cause to mourn such events ; for 
they have their salaries cut off on the night of the demise and on that 
of the funeral. As Managers profit, hugely by the visits of Royalty to 
the theatres, and the fashion thereby set, a brief clause, hinting that 
fair play might be shown to the actors when Royalty departs this life, 
would be extremely popular in the Green Room. 

MR. SPOONER announced that he should not bring in a Maynooth 
Bill, for the reason that his eyesight was not good enough to enable 
him to read the documents by which he must enforce his arguments. 
Mr. Punch is very sorry for the Honourable Member's inconvenience, 
but 

Friday. The Lord Commissioners duly honoured the following little 
Bills, The Consolidated Fund, 4,000,000, the Enclosure, the Bank 
of England, and the Red Sea and India Telegraph. As the LORD 
CHANCELLOR did not ask the SPEAKER to take a seat on the Woolsack, 
the Hon. Gentleman returned to his own easy-chair in the House of 
Commons. EARL DE GREY snubbed ELLENBOROUGH, who asked for 
some inconvenient papers, and several petitions on the subject of the 
Church Rates were put into the waste-paper basket. LORD STRAT- 
FORD DE REDCLIFFE was told to wait till after Easter for some 
information he required about the occupation of Syria. After a little 
quiet gossip concerning Schleswig-Hqlstein, Macclesfield, Gas, and 
Mexican Bonds, the Lords having nothing else to do, did it. 

In the House of Commons the only subjects of popular interest were 
the QUEEN'S simple and graceful reply to the Address of Condolence. 
SIR G. C. LEWIS'S explanation respecting SIR R. MAYNE and the 
KOSSUTH Notes, and which left the matter precisely as it was, LORD 
ELCHO'S long shot at SIR B. WALKER, LORD CLARENCE PAGET'S 
elegant extracts from the letters of BRUCE and DUNDAS in leply, and 
a lecture from LORD JOHN RUSSELL to our old friend DUNCOMBE on 
the inexpediency of weekly discourses of Foreign Affairs. Parliament 
then rose for the Easter Holidays. 



AN EVIDENT MISTAKE. 




same account, we were informed that MRS. 
if you like) 



N the account of 
the inaugural ball 
given by the Presi- 
dent at Washing- 
ton, we read that 

" Miss EDWARDS, 
niece of MRS. LINCOLN, 
is acknowledged to 
be the belle of the 
evening." 

We have never 
had the pleasure 
of seeing Miss 
EDWARDS, and we 
were not present 
at the Ball, but 
we take upon our- 
selves, with all 
due respect, and 
without the slight- 
est wish to offend, 
to contradict the 
above judgment. 
We have good rea- 
son for our contra- 
diction, and it is 
this : in the open- 
ing' part of the 
(never mind the name ; MRS. DUCK, 



" Is gorgeously attired in 2,000 dollars' worth of lace, and 20,000 dollars' worth of diamonds." 

N9W we contend that MRS. DUCK was entitled to be called " the belle of the 
evening." It is well known in estimating a lady's charms, that the beauty of her 
dress is always canvassed first, and the beauty of her countenance next. Who 
would be unmannerly enough to pit a pretty face against the latest new fashion 
from Paris? The handsome niece of MBS. LINCOLN may have excited more 
admiration amongst the gentlemen ; but we will be bound that the lady, whose 
gorgeous attire is so minutely described above to the preciseness of a cent., created 
a great deal more envy amongst the ladies ; and as the decision of ladies on these 
delicate matters is acknowledged to be both final and infallible, we are afraid that 
the former must yield the palm to the latter. What loveliness is there in this 
lovely world that can possibly stand up against, jewellery and lace ! Venus herself, 
in such a contest (for her toilet, d'apres les tableaux, was never of the fullest or 
costliest nature) would have had to hide her face in the presence of MRS. DUCK. 
It has evidently been a mistake of the inexperienced reporter. When Miss EDWARDS 



(we hope we shall be forgiven for talking thus familiarly of 
a lady whom we have not the happiness of knowing !) is 
" gorgeously attired in 2000 dollars' worth of lace," and 
ten times that amount of diamonds (what a DUCK p' 
Diamonds their fortunate possessor must be !), then it will 
be time for her to be "acknowledged the belle of the 
evening." 

In aland where the Almighty Dollar commands almost 
exclusive worship, a young lady, let her be ever so fasci- 
nating, is admired not for what she is, but for what she is 
worth. The handsomest face will pale before a handsome 
fortune. Who could resist falling in love with a lady 
whose ornaments alone represented a trifle under 1600 ! 
Add to that the value of her dress, her embroidered hand- 
kerchief, her enamelled vinaigrette, her jewelled fan, and 
innumerable other charms too delicious to dwell upon, and 
you must have the frankness to acknowledge that a beauty 
like that is indeed invaluable ! 



Superiority of the Superior Sex. 

WE learn from the Athenaum that " Miss SUSAN DURANT 
has received a commission to execute one of the poetical 
marbles for the Mansion House, being so far as we recol- 
lect, the first English lady who has ever obtained a compli- 
ment of this particular kind." Who deserves compliments, 
pray, but clever English ladies ? Women ought to make 
good sculptors, especially in taking busts of the so-called 
and self-created Lords of the Creation. We say this 
advisedly, knowing what, first-rate hands women invariably 
are in cutting out the gentlemen. 



THE BISHOP-MAKER. 



THE on dit runs that a petition is about to be presented 
to LORD PALMEKSTON, praying of him that the temporal , 
and spiritual powers of LOUD SHAPTESBUKY may for the 
future be divided. 



AMERICAN METEOROLOGY. 

Now boy, what are aerolites? Guess they're the remains 
of secedin' Stars smashed to pieces, that have tumbled out 
of the sky. 

WHICH of the Italian Princes is the most to be pitied ? 
The one who is out of Lucca. 



MARCH 30, 1SG1.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 






FASHIONS FOE FESTIVALS. 

TUB subjoined announcement, mutatis mutandii, that is to say with 
change only of names, lately appeared in the advertising columns of 
the English Churchman : 

OTJRPLICES. Si-itri.icES FOR EASTER. MESSRS. FALDERAL A 
*J have prepared their usual large supply of Ht'Rl'Llcia of superior form aud ; 

90 much iuin.ll' t 

There are supposed to be some old women among the Clergy ; but 
the above advertisement seems to indicate that there arc also many 
young ladies. Here we have linendrapers announcing themselves as 
Laving prepared for Easter their usual large supply of surplices, and 



well as a Venetian, be inspired with a passion regardless of diiptrit^ of 
>, no doubt, his Lordship reasoned, and supposed the disin- 
terested parents of Mi.vs HANLET to have reasoned also when they 

< hild's union with a gentleman of between - 

and eighty. He believed that they purely consulted their daughter's 
happiness in sanctioning her romantic attachim .nt. 

It is possible that the Jury took anoth r view of the case, although 
they arrived at the same practical conclusion as that iirt 
Judge. Very likely they considered that a man of 75 has overlived the 
appointed time of man's life by five yean, so that if he breaks a 
promise of marriage, involving, as it did in this instance, a promise of 
settlement, he i; ilicts a two-fold disappointment upon a young woman. 
He has already one foot in the grave ; he must soon draw in the other. 
He disappoints the fond creature, whom be jilts, of being hi> young 



these surplices of "superior" form and quality, "so much admired." 
Is it chintz? Fancy a lot of young parsons collected together and 
staring in at MESSRS. FALDKRAL & SON'S window, or being taken by 
female friends to the establishment of that enterprising concern, 
shopping. Imagine the assistants behind the counter saying, " Any 
other article to-day, Sir P allow me to tempt you with an alb. Sweet 
things in stoles, Sir! Neat dalmatics, Sir; very chaste! Pretty 
patterns for chasubles, Sir ; charming copes ; last Spring fashions from 
Paris and novelties from Rome." Now that we see surplices adver- 
tised in the regular slang of milliners, we can quite understand the 
feeling with which a certain rector whose bishop had compelled him to 
relinquish his pretty robes, pathetically observed that he should never 
wear those beautiful vestments again. We suppose we shall soon 
have divines of this class sporting flounces on their frocks, and 'eccle- 
siastical emporiums and depots puffing their " Crinoline for Cassocks." 



AN EQUIVOCAL COMPLIMENT. 

THE EARL OP SHELBURNE, in moving the second reading of the 
Metropolitan Central Hotel Company Bill, (which we are extremely 
sorry was thrown out. inasmuch as anything would have been better 
than two large tainted blocks of buildings that are a disgrace to any 
moral city) remarked that 

" It would be a benefit on the public by opening up the wretched neighbourhood 
of Wych Street and Holy well Street, with which their Lordships were no doubt well 
acquainted." 

Were their Lordships flattered with this delicate allusion? Shall 
we be ill-natured and say that their Lordships must have been " well 
acquainted" with them, inasmuch as they refused, from the force of 
long association, or the spirit of friendship inspired by the acquaintance 
of many years, to part with a single brick of them ? ' That incub is of 
pollution is still to remain. Who would have thought that Holywell 
Street and Wych Street would have had grateful reason to exclaim : 
" Thank Heaven ! we have a House of Lords." Where, might we 
ask, were the Bishops on the above occasion ? 



DOTAGE AND DOTATION. 

ON the Oxford Circuit, at Stafford, the othertday, occurred a case of 
Breach of Promise of Marriage, the issue whereof is a signal example 
of the generous sympathies of British Jurymen considered as husbands 
and fathers. MR. SERJEANT PIGGOTT appeared for the interesting 
plaintiff, and according to report 

" In openhiK the plaintiff's case, the learned Serjeant stated that the plaintiff. 
MARIAN HAM KV, was about twenty-one years of age, and the daughter of JAMES 
HAKLEY, a farmer, under the EAIU. or BRADFORD, at Bran cote, in Staffordshire. 
Defendant occupied an adjoining farm oflbO or 200 acres, was about 74 yearsof age, 
and had been all his life a Bachelor." 

Young SUITS, the defendant, had trifled with the affections of the 
confiding girl who sued him for 500 damage done to her tenderest 
feelings by the inconstancy of this boy of 75. The fickle youth acknow- 
ledged fifty pounds' worth of damages, and paid that sum into Court. 
The Jury, however, estimated the blighted hopes and lacerated heart 
of the deserted one at a higher figure, and gave her a verdict for an 
additional hundred pounds. Henceforth let thoughtless youngsters 
like Ma. SMITH take care how they flirt with maidens of 21, and raise 
expectations which are destined never to be realised. 

This case was tried before MR. BAEON WILDE, and the report 
whence the above particulars are taken informs us that 

" The Judge, in summing up. remarked upon the fact that the counsel on hoth 
sides had mode fun of the defendant : one with the idea of increasing, and the other 
with the idea ol decreasing the damages. It appeared, however, to be a regular 
straightforward affair, and he did nut think there was any justification for accusing 
the parents of any mercenary feeling." 

Certainly not. Of course the learned Baron was thinking of MAKIXO 
FALIERO and his juvenile wife. Why should not an English girl as 




THE COMMINUTED STATES. 

WHO can say where Secession will stop ? That is a question which 
is raised by Mil. LINCOLN, in a put of his inaugural address, directed 
to enforce upon fools and madmen the necessity of acquiescence by 
minorities in the decision of majorities. The President tells the frantic 
portion of his fellow countrymen that : 

" There Is no alternative for continuing the Government bat acquiescence on (me 
side or the other. If a minority in such * case will secede rather than aeqniesoe, 
they make a precedent which in turn will ruin and divide them, for a minority of 
their own will secede from them whenever a majority refuses to bo controlled by 
such a minority. For instance, why may not auy portion of a new confederacy, a 
year or two hence, arbitrarily secede again, precisely as portions of the present 
Union now claim to secede from It? All who cherish disunion sentiments are now 
being educated to the exact temper of doing this." 

The force of this simple reasoning will be seen by the lunatics to 
whom it is addressed, during their lucid intervals, if they have any. It 
may even be hoped that some of them may recover the use of their 
reflecting faculties so far as to be enabled to follow out PKKSIDEHI 
LINCOLN'S argument, and their own folly, into ultimate consequences 
and conclusions. Then they will see what is likely to be the end of 
Secession, for it is not quite true that there is no end to Secession, 
and the end of Secession will be for the Secessionists an end of 
everything. Seceders will go on seceding and subseceding, until at 
last every citizen will secede from every other citizen, and each indi- 
vidual will be a sovereign state in himielf, self-government personified, 
a walking autonomy, a Tone star, doing business and supporting itself 
off its own hook. 

Here Be Truths. 

M. GuiLLATjMis, in the French Chamber, intending to be severe 
upon England, said England makes \M propaganda with the Bible in 
1 one hand and a piece of calico in the other, but France bears her banner 
in one hand and the Cross in the other. Proper gander yourself, M. 
GUILLAVMIN, for jou have just hit it. England proffers enlightenment 
and the comforts of life, France comes with superstition and "glory." 
It strikes us that such orators should be choked off by their priests. 



130 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 30, 1801. 




Butcher Boy (and Butcher Boys are so impudent}. "Now THEN*, SWII-EY! ARE YOU GOING TO STOP THERE TILL YOU GET FIKE, 

V AK>BE YOU DRAW YOURSELF OFF!"' 



QCOTH Monsieur la France to his Lady, 
" Let 's issue our cards for a rout, ! " 

'Twas done, and the crowned heads invited 
To a nice little tea and turn-out. 



THE NEW ARRIVAL. 

(Kingdom of Italy constituted, Monday, March IS ; GARIBALDI'S Birthday, Tuesday, Narch 19.) 

But conceive the crowd's shout of derision 

As these crest-fallen Kings, when set down, 
Were refused, one and all, an admission, 

As not one could fork out a crown ! 



The Hotel de 1'Europe with excitement 

From area to attics was stirred ; 
The corridors gorgeous with flunkey!', 

And ablaze with state liv'ries absurd. 

The courtyard with carriages crowded, 

On every panel a crown, 
And extremely big-wigs for their drivers, 

In dignified line, setting down. 

The pavement was thronged with its gazers 
Of the class which such sights always draw 

Sardonic, and seedy, and sneering, 
And not too good friends with the law. 

The heart of the chivalrous JENKINS 
Had been chilled to its innermost core, 

To hear their remarks as the cargoes 
Of Royalty drove to the door. 

The cry of " What shocking bad crowns ! " 

Saluted the jingling approach 
Of Naples and three small Grand-Dukes 

In an antediluvian coach. 

Its gilding all tarnished and battered, 

Its heraldry faded and dim, 
Springs spliced, lining mildewed and tattered, 

And a team of mad mules gaunt and grim. 



'Twas in vain that they sent up their names, 
Tried to borrow the requisite rhino ; 

In the lack of one de facto crown, 
What are four crowns dejure dinino? 

"DoesOld Mother-Church knowyou're out?" 
Was the cry that encountered the POPE, 

As the old Cross-keys drag lumbered up, 
And for harness a great deal of rope. 

Well might poor Pio NONO look scared, 
'Twas long odds 'gainst his safely arriving ; 

Those red-hatted Jelms will take 
Such very bad roads for their driving. 

The triple tiara popped out, 

While cross-keys and crook made a clatter, 
And the POPE scuttled into the house, 

To the chorus profane, "Who's your 
hatter?" 

Till at last one exceptional cheer 
Was bestowed on a coach in the line : 

The coach need 1 add was Old England's ; 
The cheer need I say it was mine ! 

Inside all was hot hurry-skurry, 

Cordons, crachats, embroid'ry, gold-keys, 

Gold- and silver-sticks humbly kootooing, 
Drones a-cluster round King- and Queen- 
Bees. 



There was Monsieur la France all endeavours 

To look as if meaning no harm 
With Madame la France not more faithful 

Than av'rage French wives on his arm. 



Half-aloof, buttoned up in his bear-skin, 
And scanning the scene, hcrut en has, 

Stood Russia, bent on not giving, 
Yet fearful of taking, ike pas. 

While'with bearing half-cheeky, half-coward, 
Young Austria yawned and haw-hawed, 

Like a man who's uneasy at home, 
And by no means more easy abroad. 

Now sidling tow'rds Prussia, as minded 
His tediousness there to bestow : 

Then making advances to Russia 
Then stopping as if 'twere no go. 

Poor Turkey was slunk in a corner, 

On an ottoman all in a heap 
Looking like a decrepit old clothesman, 

On his stock-in-trade fallen asleep. . 

While Russia and France moved about him 
With an eye to his purse and his shawl 

Though each, through respect for the other, 
Abstained from attempting a haul. 

That the Royal assemblage was hearty, 

Or pleasant, or genial, or gay, 
Is what, as a truthful narrator, 

I fear I can't honestly say. 




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MARCH 30, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



133 



In fact, if there 's faith iu expression, 

And faces the feelings can state, 
The guests' thought was, " Look to your 
pockets," 

The host's, Keep an eye ou the plate." 

Old England, the only one present, 

By no arrttre pemee oppressed, 
With Britannia tuck'd 'neath his arm, 

Moved, a contrast complete to the rest. 

Though I'm bound to confess that I saw, 
As he stooped to help France to some trifle, 

Peeping out From the skirt of his coat, 
The butt of a long Enfield rifle. 

But wherefore this sudden confusion, 
This crowding of Kings in a clutter? 

Why does llussia set up his bearskin, 
Each separate bristle in flutter P 

Why is Austria so red and so pale, 
On his boot-heels indignantly turning P 



Why hand on hilt suddenly laid P 
Why hand hilt as suddenly spurning f 

Why Prussia's embarrassed attempt 

At once to look sulky and civil r 
Why the POPE'S disposition to swear, 

Winding up, after all, in a snivel f 

Who 's this that our host is preparing, 

To give a reception so bland to, 
Though Madame la France in the sulks, 

Monsieur's protegee won't stretch a hand to P 

Who advances, in spite of cold looks, 
And backs that refuse to do duty P 

'Tis ITALY, glorious in youth, 
And radiant with renovate beauty ! 

Like a helm shows the crown on her brow 
For a sceptre, her sword 's in her hand ; 

And firm is her stepping, I trow, 
As proudly she takes up her stand. 



"Wretch!" "Parvenue!" "Minx!" "Up- 
start!" "Thief!" 

Such the epithets whispered about ; 
And never a tongue bids her welcome, 

And never a hand is held out. 

Yes, one ! through the crowd of crowned heads 

To snub the new-comer agreed, 
Old England is forcing his way, 

To wish the fair stranger God speed ! 

His honest red face in a glow, 

His two brawny hands spreading wide ; 
Let who mil turn their backs, she shall 
know 

Here 's England to stand at her side ! 

And thinking at once of Caprera 
And Turin, the old boy 's heard to say, 

" Dear ITALY ! happy to see you" 
And " many returns of the day '." 



OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 

"DEAR PUNCH, 

" WHEN these lines are made public there will be no theatre 
in all London left open, except to those who are attracted by what 
swells would call an Orwewy/ or who can sit out a slow concert of 
indifferently done music. Of course this is quite proper, and I have 
no mind to awaken the just wrath of the Record by expressing any 
wish to have Passion Week profaned by dramatic entertainments. But 
I cannot comprehend upon what principle of logic other places of 
amusement are allowed to throw their doors open, when theatres are 
rigidly obliged to keep them shut. Who is it that draws the line 
between the stage of the Princess's and the stage of the Alhambra, 
and says that the trapeze is proper to be seen, while the tragedy of 
Hamlet must be put out of our sight ? If amusement be not proper 
for me, why am I allowed to go to Music Halls, and Song Saloons, to 
Cider Caves, and Coal Holes ; and hear fragments of the operas not 
elsewhere deemed permissible, and see conjurors and acrobats, ballet 
girls and ' rocky wonders,' and so-called ' comic ' vocalists in their 
most facetious parts P Are sham niggers thought provocative of pious 
meditation, or will the Cure effect the cure of any thirsty soul who 
listens to it P I am debarred from MB. FECHTER, and enjoyment of his 
Hamlet; but am allowed to take my fill (if I so choose) of Ma. PUD- 
DING, and to laugh (if I so can) at his protean transformations. If 
Old Bob Ridley be deemed proper for my ears to hear in Passion 
Week, one would have thought To be or not to be' would not have 
done much harm to them; and while the moral 'Judge and Jury' 
keeps open court to Londoners, there can be no great hurt in witnessing 
the Trial Scene of Shylock. 

" Quite conscious as I am that ' Comparisons are odorous,' I make 
no attempt to pit the pit of opera or theatre against the supper-box of 
a Singing Room, or stall at the Alhambra. Each has its habitues, and 
whatever be my own private taste in the matter, I have no wish to 
obtrude it just at present on the public. 

" The English law, I am informed, is choke full of anomalies ; but 
there are few of them I fancy more ridiculous than this, that entertain- 
ments which are licensed by the Magistrates keep open, w hen those 
which have the sanction of the Government are shut. As Punch bids 
fair to be perennial, you, Sir, perhaps may live to see the end of such 
absurdity, and it will do us the more credit the sooner that end comes. 
Meanwhile, as a proof that other minds have sense enough to see that 
this anomaly is unjust as well as foolish, Ma. GERMAN REED, I notice, 
announces that his Gallery will be closed throughout the week, whereas 
the other 'entertainers' all continue playing. This course of MR. 
REED I consider to his credit, and it should win due commendation 
for him from the pious public. 

" The 9ther night, not being proud, I visited the Standard, and there 
had a shillingsworth of Janet Pride. (Your West End readers may 
not know that this theatre is in Shoreditch, and that full price to the 
stalls is the modest sum I 've mentioned.) They who saw this piece 
when it was played at the Adelphi need not be told how admirably 
MR. WEBSTER acts in it. His sottish drunkenness is well nigh painful 
for its life-like personation, and presented as it was to an appreciative 
audience there seemed fair ground for hoping it might produce some 
good. I am bound to add, however, that they did not seem in any 
haste to go and take the pledge ; indeed they swigged the porter that 
was served between the acts, as open-mouthed and greedily as they 
had drunk in MR. WEBSTER'S declamations against drink. 

" Not being an habitat. I cannot tell if farces are in general much 
relished at this theatre : but if they be, the night I went was certainly 
an exception, for when the curtain fell on Janet, pit and stalls became 
a desert, and the boxes showed a vacuum such as it is the nature of a 



lessee to abhor. By the way, the jokes that raise a laugh at East End 
theatres are of a nature quite distinct from those we laugh at in the 
West. When the comic man rushed in with horror on his counte- 
nance and informed his lady-love that 'the taturs have failed over, 1 the 
simple news was welcomed with a general guffaw : and a still louder 
burst of laughter was won by the intelligence that he'd 'taken hoff 
the tature, and they're werry much relieved.' Of all good jokes, 
however, there seemed nothing like a hugging bout for bringing down 
the house. It would have done a cynic good to see what hearty 
unchecked merriment was caused simply by the comic party falling on 
his knees and kissing Janet who was in a similar position. The oscu- 
lation this young lady had to bear was quite appalling, but by dint of 
nightly practice she bore it most sheroically, and did not seem a whit 
alarmed by it. Certainly, if I am asked to write a ' heavy ' for a 
'minor* (readers of the Era will understand this slang), I shall take 
good care to lug in a good quantity of hugging. I fancy if an author 
wished to make a certain hit, he could not well do better than make 
his heroine sing a song with obligato osculation, each bar ending with 
a kiss ; while, as a relief from the horrors of the piece, there should be 
a general hugging when Virtue is Triumphant, and a congratulatory 
kiss all round when Vice is Punished. 

" I must lay aside this levity when I next write of this theatre : for 
on the night of Easter Monday the 'Great Tragedian,' I nod, will 
tread these classic boards, and as Monday is Mark Lane day. and the 
Standard is just opposite the Eastern Counties Railway, no doubt the 
Suffolk farmers will improve their minds by hearing him, I am told 
by a Scotch critic that for the perfect pronunciation of the English 
language' (of which this Scottish gentleman is of course a thorough 
judge), MR. KEAN may really be accepted as a model* So if our 
Suffolk farmers wish to improve their rustic utterance, they had better 
take a course of lessons at the Standard from one considered the most 
perfect English speaker of the day. 

" I remain, Sir, Yours, &o. (whatever that may mean), 

'' ONE WHO PATS." 



ENGLAND t>. CHINA. 

THE rebels in China, we read, go by the name of Taepings. We 
have obstructionists, if not rebels, in England who impede the march 
of events, who throw every obstruction they can in the way of public 
progress, who are relentless, implacable, oppressive, obstinate, and 
very difficult indeed to be subdued. They lurk in dark corners, and 
evince the greatest reluctance in showing themselves, and then only at 
distant intervals, and always to retire immediately the moment after 
you have seen them. Their only instrument is a bit of string, but they 
manage to do a deal of execution with it. We allude to the RED 
TAEPINGS, who infest in such large numbers our government offices. 
They have been warring against the interests of the public for a long 
time feeding upon the best of the land all the while filling up their 
leisure, of which they have plenty, by plundering the country to the 
greatest extent ; and we must say it will be a happy day indeed for 
England when she succeeds in putting down this rebellious race! A 
bat the RBD TAEPINGS ! 



Seasonable Intelligence. 

SEVERAL of the Drinking Fountains about the metropolis have had 
their wooden paletots removed, and their winter padlocks taken off 
from them, and are now, as though rejoicing at their release after 
their long captivity, in full play again. This is refreshing, in every 
sense, for we look upon it as the first real opening of Spring. 



134 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 30, 1861. 




HELPING HIM ON! 

Cruel fair One (to silent Partner). " PBAY ! HAVE YOU NO CONVERSATION ? " 



SHOP AND FREEDOM. 

THOUGH with the North we sympathise, 

It must not be forgotten 
That with the South we've stronger ties, 

Which are composed of cotton, 
Whereof our imports mount unto 

A sum of many figures 
And where would be our calico 

Without the toil of niggers ? 

The South enslaves those fellow men, 

Whom we love all so dearly ; 
The North keeps Commerce bound again, 

Which touches us more nearly. 
Thus a divided duty we 

Perceive in this hard matter. 
Free Trade, or sable brothers free ? 

Oh won't we choose the latter ! 



INDIGESTION FROM IRISH STEW. 

THE disruption of the once United States was at first 
wholly attributed to difference of opinion on the subject 
of Slavery, and next in part ascribed to diversity of views 
and interests respecting commercial legislation. Another 
and more powerful cause may also have contributed to 
produce a result so much to be deplored and blushed for 
by all the friends of representative government. During 
many years, a great emigration of disaffected Irishmen 
had been continually increasing the population of the 
American Republic. For a long lime America digested 
them. Perhaps, however, the nutriment which she has 
gone on deriving from Ireland so long, may have at last 
disagreed with her, occasioning constitutional disturbance 
which is, in a great measure, nothing more than an out- 
break of a suppressed Irish malady, the fever which, with a 
smouldering fire, has always burned for Repeal of the 
Union. 

A Kaiser without a Kreutzer. 

FRANCIS-JOSEPH doesn't know which way to turn for 
the want of money. Why doesn't he send for GARIBALDI? 
He is just the man to raze a capital for him. 



THE EEVENUE CUTTER 

AND PATENT BUDGET SIFTER COMPANY (LIMITED). 

THIS morning a Deputation, composed of illiberal Members of the 
House of Commons, waited upon LORD PALMERSTON at his official 
Chambers in Downing Street. 

The Deputation was introduced by MR. CRAWFORD, who shortly 
explained the object which the gentlemen present had in view. It was 
to solicit his Lordship's patronage for a Machine invented by an 
Association called " The Revenue Cutter and Patent Budget Sifter 
Company (Limited)," of which MR. WILLIAMS, M.P., was Chairman 
and responsible Manager. 

MR. CRAWFORD having been requested by LORD PALMERSTON to 
describe the Patent Budget Sifter, produced a working model, and 
informed his Lordship that on a very low estimate the machine was 
calculated to effect a saving in Exchequer cuttings of 10,000,000 per 
annum. 

LORD PALMEHSTON. You employ a punch, I suppose ? 

MR. CRAWFORD could not speak positively on that point, though he 
was aware that Punch had produced some very striking cats. 

LORD PALMERSTON (smiling). The largest holes in our Budgets 
have hitherto, I suspect, been made by a punch. How is your machine 
set in motion ? 

MR. CRAWFORD. By a combination of screws. 

LORD PALMERSTON. Can you point out the screws to me ? 

MR. CRAWFORD signed to MR. BATNES and MR. BDXTON, and made 
rapid telegraphic overtures to MR. WHITE, MR. ROTJPELL, MR. C. S. 
BUTLER, and several other gentlemen, but with what object did not 
clearly appear. 

MR. BAINF.S earnestly entreated his Lordship not to slight the 
" Revenue Cutter." It was urgently needed in Government 
offices, embracing as it did a soap-slice, applicable to a commodity 
of which large and wasteful consumption was almost hourly taking 
place. 

MR. CRAWFORD observed that his friend MR. EDWIN JAMES, during 
his recent visit .to Italy, and while engaged in military pursuits, had 



by broad-sword exercise acquired the art of cutting down an army of 
any extent that might be required. 

LORD PALMERSTON wished to know if the gallant Member for 
Marylebone had thrown the weight of his authority into the Patent 
Budget Sifter ? 

MR. CRAWFORD replied that, having once more become a civilian, 
the Honourable Member had made a financial conversion of all his 
equipments, except his Damascus blade, which formed one of the most 
powerful choppers in the machine. 

LORD PALMERSTON was gratified to hear it. Some alarm had been 
felt lest his friend's spirited charger should carry him over the bar. 

MR. BRIGHT, interrupting his Lordship, had no hesitation in saying 
that the machine was worse than useless, unless it could be used as a 
paper-cutter. (Loud cries of "Hear.") The Company was seeking for 
Ministerial patronage. Now he (MR. B.) knew what Government 
contracts were ; in fact the Government was indebted to him for some 
beautiful trimmings. 

LORD PALMERSTON. Yes ; you told us we might have a piece at any 
price. (Lai/y/iter.) 

MR. BRIGHT strongly deprecated the use of irritating language. 
When would Ministers learn that soft answer which turns away 
wrath ? No wonder that Continental powers were alarmed and 
incensed, < when, instead of speaking with "bated breath and whis- 
pering humbleness," we delighted in assuming a truculent attitude 
and an exasperating tone ! England, if she studied her true interest, 
would be found, like a dove, bifliug and cooing with France and every 
other nation; instead of that, we see her most powerful and most 
reckless statesman volunteering to set a trained bull-dog at an 
inoffensive neighbour. (Murmurs.) 

MR. BRIGHT. A trained bull-dog I repeat, that ought to be shot on 
the premises, which have become a nuisance by its yelp. 

LORD PALMERSTON winced and drank off a large tumbler of water, 
with a flushed face. 

MR. BRIGHT. Britannia! Who is Britannia? Is she a meek-eyed 
Sister of Charity ? No. Who then ? Why a red-armed Beldame 
a Thames Street Bellona delighting in casting abuse and missiles at 
every wearer of a decent coat. I never (contined the masculine Mem- 



MABCU 30, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE L< 1 CHAKIVA1U. 



135 



her for Manchest t -r) behold her miserable image; but my breast is cherish the pleasing assurance of having performed an act of efficacious 
torn, as 1 mournfully reflect how much better would widow's weeds j kindness. The smallest contributions will be thankfully received; for 
beco'me her than a helmet, and a billy-roller than a spear. a sufficient number of farthinprs would insure the object so earnestly 

LoKi> ON (aside). II en fait tea choux grai (he thereby sought by this young man. Subscriptions, legacies, ftc., to be sent to 

makes his cabbair. fat,), the Office, 85, fleet Street ; at which application may be made by any 

M u. BRIGHT. What (continued the indomitable speaker) does Party or Parties desiring to adopt an Heir. 
Britannia want with a Lion ? Does he pay for his keep P No. Then 
let her sell him for what he will fetch and buy a Manx kitten, to sit at 

LORD PALMERSTOX observed that he thought it very desirable to 
cultivate amicable relations, but he did not think we ought to cotton 



to people whose principles were diametrically opposed to our own he 
wished to know, what had become of the Honourable Member's self- 
acting paper-cuti i 

MB. BIUGIII vehemently replied that it had been notched by the 
stupid handling of an Aristocracy which wallowed in the slime of 



OUR ADMIRALTY: TINKERS. 



No doubt the sketch would be considered a most farcical concep'ion, 
were any one to make a drawing of the .First Lord of the Admiral' y 
going about the dockyards as a travelling tinker, and crying, " Any 
old three-deckers or new frigates to mend?" But absurd as it may 
seem, the picture is not far from being a most truthful one. Of the 
twelve millions a year which we have lately been expending on our 



corruption. wooden walls and iron ones, it may be doubted if three-fourths hare 

MR. CIUWFOKD and several other gentlemen deplored the cruel not been spent _ or ratlier watte d in tinkering old tubs, and in re- 
necessity of listening to such sentiments from a Man and a Brother pairing worn-out vessels of no good to us when mended. How much 
LORD PATJODUTOW. My dear MB. CRAWFORD, had you not better morc of the twelve millions has been thrown away in needless naval 
employ some competent person to take 1 he Revenue Cutter in hand, operations, such as st ripping bran-new ships on their return from their 
and point out to us where the screw should be put on P At present I ' first cruise, and refitting them in Portsmouth for a sail as far as Ply- 
candidly confess, it appears only suitable for the cutting of chaff. mouth, goodness only knows, unless SIB BAUJWIK shares the know- 
The Deputation having consulted angrily together, thanked his iej ge> and ^ he is now some hundred miles away, we cannot hope at 
Lordship for his courteous suggestion, and in some confusion . presen t to extract much information from him. 



withdrew. 



i 



CONCENTKATED ESSENCE OF THE MILK OF HUMAN 
KINDNESS. 

(AN ISGENTJOUS APPEAL.) 




selves must soon re- 
linquish, or are in- 
capable of enjoying. 
Such are too often in 
the habit of seeking 
unattainable gratifi- 
cation in the exercise 
of benevolence by dis- 
tributing large sums 
of money in small 
donations amongst 
the poor. The muni- 
ficence which is thus 
spread over a multi- 
tude of objects is so 
attenuated that by 
each of its recipients it is scarcely felt. The charitable donor 
thus fails to obtain the exquisite satisfaction of reflecting that he has 



Now that iron men-of-war are rapidly supplanting wooden one* (as 
rapidly, that is, as the "system" of delaying all improvements will 
permit), the cost of pulling ships to pieces and putting them together 
again will be even more expensive than it hitherto has proved. It is 
therefore the more needful to keep a watchful eye upon our Admiralty 
tinkers, and prevent them, if we can, from doing needless work. We 
are well aware that this will be difficult to do, for habit is at all times 
/ />, ri . , hard to be withstood ; and when a man has ever turned his hand to 
; J i j | tinkering, it is not an easy matter to keep him from odd jobs. How- 

ntiit, UWc . ft ew, there 's a cherub that sits np o' nights in Fleet Street, keeping 
J watch not only on the welfare of poor Jack, but on the ill deeds of the 
rin thi. , nr lubbers who waste the country's money, and so prevent it entering 
have lost heh elish J *' P cket <* U mi * ht do ' Let tne tinkers, then, look out ; for 
for its pleasures we ' ** *& ke P * ^ u P n them - Bd * not Kn * le to ^"^ their 
nevertheless blest being sent to pot. 
with the means of 
conferring on others 
that earthly happi- 
ness which they them- 



A WAY WITH HUSBANDS. 

" WHAT is the meaning (inquired a lady, pointing to a little shoe- 
black, who belonged to the Saint- Vincent Paul brigade) of those three 
letters S. V. P. marked, you see, on his shoulder P 

" Why, my dear, (answered her wag of a husband) they mean either 
one of two things ; or it may be both. You can either look upon them 
as an indication of the boy's price, or as a polite entreaty on his part. 
They are open to two readings, and you can take whichever you like, 
my little dear. Now, don't get impatient, or else I won't tell you. 
Well then, you must know, my pet, that S. V. P. mean either ' Sil-Ver 
Penny,' that s his price; or else, 'i'il tout plait,' and that's the 
boy's politeness." 

It was a great shame ! They had been married only six weeks, and 
the brute was already beginning to deceive his wife ! 



Ijyj A ui & 1011 uavii. L ui; uiisoii tuict uitu lAJU^iabutn'Uj wo aiu tutu. 11* 

gladdened the heart of a fellow-creature. His bounty is" as it were a ! profit by it. We propose, therefore, that the experiment be tried upon 
loaf, vainly dispersed in crumbs among a famishing crowd, instead of i the Sultan himself. In his desperate state, it cannot possibly do him 
being effectually applied to relieve the hunger of one starving sufferer, much harm, and the chances are that it may do him some good. Who 
Those who are desirous really to taste the luxury of doing good should knows but he might come out of the purifying trial a cleaner, and a 
concentrate their generosity on particular persons. An opportunity is better, and a stronger man? In fact, if the whole of Turkey were put 
now offered to all who are anxious to secure the genuine article. A ' into a Turkish Bath, it might be all the better for that weak power, 
healthy young man, with a large appetite of every kind, is well nigh Its constitution, severely drained as it has been by the Sultan, wid 
destitute of the means of procuring any one pleasure. In order to , profusely sweated also by MONSIEUR MiRis and others, could not fail 
subsist, it is necessary for him to wort hard, which he very much to gain by the invigorating process, 
dislikes, and to earn a precarious and scanty living by anxious labour. 
He is, in short, in want of a large and independent income. Oh, if he 
only had that how happy he would be ! and though at present neces- 
sarily an unmarried man, he would very soon have a wife and perhaps 
ten children, whom, aa well as himself, a certain affluence would render 
happy. 



Spanish Honour to be Avenged. 

THE Cabinet of Her Most Catholic Majesty has determined to evince 
' its resentment of the imputation which LOBD PALMEBSTOS has cut 

-t ".- , on the honour of Spaniards. Believing the noble Premier, in 

Let the wealthy who derive no enjoyment from their own riches, charging Spain with dishonesty, simply to have expressed the feeling 
only think of the bliss which it is in their power to confer on this of her British creditor*, the Spanish Government has fully made up 
young man. Let them consider how much more sensible an amount ^ !0 ^ t o pay all those impertinent fellows out. 
ot blessing they would impart by bestowing all their charity on him, ' 
than they can dispense by frittering it away upon a host of others. 
" ul --~- > ' -' ----- CHASOE OP NAME.- 



How much better to give him a larjje sum of money than to squander 

it on Schools and Institutions ! It is in the power of every one, how- 

ever humble, to contribute to his felicity, and thus be enabled to Autre-Chien. 



" The Sick Man." 

AN infinity has been said and written about the wonders of the 
Turkish Bath. The most enfeebled constitution, we are told, will 



Since his yelping advocacy of Austrian policy, 
Itlsinthe power "of everyone, how- MR. ROEBUCK is no longer the" Dog lear "em." 



He is now quite ** 



136 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 30, 1861. 







CAPITAL LARK OF BODGEE AND LITTLE PIPPS AT THE EXPENSE OF MISS MINERVA COCHLELON'S SEMIXARY.J 



DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE. 

WHAT wonderful people there are in the world ! Who could hnve 
supposed that in tins sharp-sighted age, any person could he flat 
enough to write such an advertisement as this we find inserted in the 
limes of the 9th ult. : 

WANTED, the SUM of 300, on security of the lender having 500 
out of a share in a certain will, about which reasonable satisfaction can be given. 
The testator, whose chief property consists in a large life policy, but now upheld by 
mall payments, would not object. The bequest is not payable till after the death 
of two persons, one of whom is about 52, and is now and has long been very dan- 
gerously ill, and the otiier about 60, and far from strong. The advertiser also 
withes for permission to pay it off at any time by paying also 5 per cent, compound 
interest. All legal expenses to be paid by the lender. The sum lent must not be 
liable to be called in at any time whatever. The money is required for the further- 
ance of a literary work of such a character as will, it is believed, cause a fur 
mightier and happier era in human history than has ever yet been seen. Address 
JlEKKY ANDRKW, Grimaldi Terrace, Green Street. 

We have had a rather blowing time of it of late, but that is no reason 
why people should give themselves such airs as the writer of this 
notice. The impudence of his proposal is only equalled by its dignity, 
and we realty hardly know which of the two we should most laugh at. 
The notion of his fancying; that, any one would lend him three hundred 
pounds, on "security"!?) of pocketing a possible five hundred, 
bequeathed under the will of a still living testator, who may of course 
to-morrow cancel the bequest, is an idea which would in summer be 
delicious for its coolness ; and when we further find the lender is to 
pay all law expenses, and is not to have the power to call in the sum 
lent, we can't help thinking that the writer for the moment quite forgot 
himself, and, when penning his advertisement, somehow had it in his 
head that he was writing a broad farce. How well MR. CHARLES 
HATHEWS would go through such a scene as might be worked out of 
the call of some one caught by the advertisement ! With what delicious 
self-possession would he clear up any doubt respecting his "testator," 
and show that although living he was just as good as dead, and that as 
for altering or cancelling his will, such a notion was ha ! ha ! a joke 
quite irresistible. What a funny dog you are, he might proceed to say, 
giving an appreciative poke in the short, ribs. But you 're quite right 
to be cautious there are lots of rogues about, and one everywhere 



sees stuck up "Take care of your pockets." Still, the notion" of my 
gulling such a clever chap as you, is ha ! ha ! you '11 excuse me, a little 
too ridiculous. Why here you see yourself what, good security I offer. 
Five hundred sterling pounds, lawful English money, and as good as 
down, for you see it "s to be paid on the deaths of these two persons 
who are as good as dead one "dangerously ill," and the other "far 
from strong." True, I haven't told you the age of the testator, or if 
his health is shattered ; and you business men may think this a point 
quite as important. But waiving this for just one moment, consider, 
my dear Sir, the stupendously magnificent results that are in prospect. 
By lending me the paltry sum that I require, you will become one of 
the greatest benefactors of your species. You will further the 
advancement of a literary; work that will make the whole world 
mightier and happier than it has been. My dear Sir, think of that ! 
and at once out with your cheque-book ! When such gigantic good may 
be secured to all the Universe, don't be stopped by such a trifle as a 
doubt of the security. Hand me over the three hundred, and imagine 
yourself reverenced down to all posterity as the man who introduced 
this mighty happy era. Mind, I'm not to be held liable to pay the 
money back, but you see you'll have a chance of the Five hundred 
secured to you, and of course you may rely upon my wish that you 
may get it ! 

Postal Arrangements. 

LETTERS posted at Hammersmith after half-past nine at night, or at 
the earliest hour next morning, arrive in Fleet Street on that day at 
about 2 p.m. 

Letters posted in the same suburb on the middle of Sunday arrive at 
Southampton on Tuesday morning. 

The expedition with which the mails are despatched from the subur- 
ban post-offices is wonderful, and deserves the notice of the authorities 
of St. Martin's-le-Grand. 



THE SCARCITY ACCOUNTED TOR. 

WE are told by nurses, and other moral-mongers, that the Truth must 
not be told at all times. This may be one of the reasons why the Truth 
is so rarely told at all. 



ed bv William Bradburr, nf No. 13, Upper Wobnrn Place, anil Frederick Mullen EVTU, af No 19. Qn'n Road West, Reiceafs Park, both In the Parish of St Pancraa, in the County of Micldlett* 
rioter*, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Preciuct of Whitefriart, in the City o: Lonioa. 1A4 Pnbllalud by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish OI St. Bride m the City of London. 
iAimmi, March 30, lsl. 



APRIL C, 1861.] 



rrxnr, on Tin: T.OXDOX ni.\nTv.\in. 



137 




"HOORAY-THE STREETS UP AGAIN! 



" THE HEAD AND FRONT OF THEIR OFFENDING." 

THE Musical World, talking of a new piece that has been brought 
out at the Varioles, in Paris, says: 

" The title of the piece, La Ramonrurs, will sound obscurely to moat of our 

readers. It alludes to the practice of certain persons who would conceal the fact 

that old Time has been shaving their heads with his scythe, by drawing the still 

vhich be us yet has only thinned,' back over the denuded portion 

cf their craiiiums. A very bold subject, we should say, for even the flimsiest farce." 

Our harmonious contemporary, instead of "bold," might have said, 
and probably did intend to say, " bald." For, the life of us, we cannot 
see the great crop of fun that could have been reaped from the above 
barren subject. We agree with our critical friend, that the notion is 
decidedly, as a smart Frenchman would say. " {fa peu tire par let 
chevevx." Our Parisian farceurs may as well take all the human 
infirmities, and turn them, one by one, into ridicule. Blindness has 
been already operated upon in the form of Let Deux Acevglcs. Deaf- 
nets has also been treated farcically, whilst the gout has been handled 
so roughly and frequently on the stage, that it almost fails now to 
excite a laugh. However, we think, tiieJtiM With a /would 

present a good handle for fun. The wife might in her jealousy take it 
away from her husband so as to keep him at home or she might light 
the fire with it, in order to cook her beloved Arthur's dinner, whilst her 
one-legged partner sat writhing on a chair, incapable of moving a 
peu'; besides a thousand other little pleasantries that would be 
sure to command public laughter: for no fun is so irresistible 
as that which is based on the distress of another, more especially 
(with Frenchmen) when that other :happens to be a husband. La 
Dame qui ports tine pemique would be another fruitful subject for 
a liair-brained vautlevilliste to play humorously with. The (fcnoiimenl, 
when her hypocrisy was laid bare, might be made almost tragic 
in the very intensity of its fun, the parting between the Sub- 
lime and the Ridiculous being so extremely small, that it would 
require a very clever coiffeur indeed to be able to draw the line 
of demarcation precisely between the two. The CLAIRVILLES of 
the Parisian stage must be at a sad loss for heads of subjects to joke 
upon, when they are compelled to cover the nakedness of their humour 
with a lock of hair. The lire of French esprit must nearly be burnt i 



out, when it needs to be lighted afresh with a niche de ehereux. 
Hence the necessity, perhaps, of sending for Let Ramcmrvrt to give it 
a thorough good sweeping after so bad a fire. 



SPIRITUAL BELL-RINGING. 

THE attention of the Editor of the Spiritual Magazine is invited to 
the subjoined extract from the letter of a Correspondent in Note* and 
Queries ; 

" CCRIOOB COIKCIDEXCE. On Wednesday night, or rather on Thursday morning, 
at 3 o'clock, the inhabitants of the metropolis were roused by repeated strokes of 
the new great bell at Westminster, and most persons supposed It was for a death in 
the Royal Family. There might have been about 20 slow strokes, when It ceased. 
It proved, however, to be due to some derangement of the clock, for at 4 and i 
o'clock 10 or 12 strokes were struck Instead of the proper number. On mentioning 
this in the morning to a friend, who is deep in London antiquities, he observed, 
that there Is an opinion In the city that anything the matter with St. Paul's great 
bell is an omen of Ul to the Royal Family ; and he added, * I hope the opliiion 
will not extend to the Westminster bell.' " 

The mysterious phenomenon above described occurred some days 
ago, when subsequent events sufficiently prove it to have been ominous. 
There can be no doubt whatever that it was supernatural. , 
" And the great bell has toll'd, unrung, untouch'd." 

It is very true that the kitchen clock of a writer in these columns 
strikes all manner of hours, but even this is a spiritual fact, for that 
individual's habits are irregular, and the clock is deranged by the 
influence of our untidy contributor. The rule in all cases of this kind 
is to consider whether the marvellous occurrence can be accounted for 
on supernatural principles, because, if it can, the truly philosophical 
mind will reject the natural solution of the mystery, and adopt the 
other. 

And Quite Right Too. 

WHAT makes CAVOUR cry out so loudly for Rome? Why, don't 
you see. he has a double object, one for himself and one for Italy. 
Rome is the centre of his thoughts, because he is anxious to make 
"political Capital" out of it. 



VOL. XL. 



138 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL G, 1861. 




THE SLIPSLOP OF THE SHOPS. 

" Chrysanthemum Cottage, Tuesday. 

II, I am so 
much obliged 
to you, my 
dear Punch, 
for putting in 
my letter a- 
bout the Clas- 
sics of ' the 
Counter. I 
felt to proud 
when I saw it 
actually in 
print, and 
CHAKLES posi- 
tively read it 
through, not 
knowing it 
was mine, un- 
til he came to 
where I spoke 
of going out 
in our new dio- 
ropha to buy 

him some rypophsgon, and to 
inquire what was the price of 
the anheidrohepseterion, which 
we had recently seen advertised 
somewhere in the newspapers, 
where we spied the emmenathoon 
hair-dye for Mamma. The man 
who served us at this shop I 
beg his pardon, this establish- 
ment, sadly wanted CHABLES to 
try a bottle of his famous cele- 
brated hydrohyperion curling 
fluid, and when CHABLES refused 
and endeavoured to escape, he 
was pressed to purchase some- 
thing called a podapalagon, 
which I believe has been de- 
scribed as a 'warranted eradi- 
cator of cutaneous callosities ; ' 
that is, in simpler language, a 
thing to take out corns. 

But besides the classicalities 
now current at the counter, 
there are other forms of slang 
in which our tradesmen take de- 
light, for to speak in plain pure 
English seems quite foreign to 
their taste. French is pressed 
into their service quite as much 

as Greek and Latin, and by ill-educated tongues which talk of 
' hany other harticle" you can fancy how la langue Francaise is 
mispronounced. I hardly ever now take up a newspaper without 
seeing an advertisement of some 'recherche stock of goods' which 
are to be disposed of forthwith ' sans reserve.' A hair-dresser now 
styles himself in general an 'artiste,' and announces to the universe 
his famed ' esprit de violelte ' or ' bouquet de Thames.' One enter- 
prising draper, whose name I lately noticed, has had the courage 
to combine his classics with his French, and to advertise for 
sale a lot of 'broche madapolums' which must be something rather 
curious if they at all be really like their name. Corset and chapeau 
have quite supplanted such old English words as 'stays' and ' bonnet;' 
and of course no West End dressmaker would ever dream of naming 
petticoats by any other term ilimjupes. Why this is so I really can't 
pretend to say; nor can I guess why in a newspaper professedly 
intended for British circulation ' Le sommie.r elastique portatif should 
be announced, when ' Portable spring mattress ' is vastly more intel- 
ligible, and by British tongues in general far more easily pronounced. 

" Of course I need not say the French is bad French very often, and 
like the ' broche madapolums ' a sort of mongrel slipslop which none 
but a vulgarian would venture to construct. Instances of this are as 
plentiful as polkas in the windows of the music shops, and as absurd 
as the new love ballads whereof each hour brings a fresh batch. It 
will suffice that as a sample I call to your attention the ' berceau-nettes 
for babies' which are advertised extensively throughout the London 
press. Now that berceau means a cradle every baby knows, but in the 
name of grammar what is meant by 'netiesf Of course you know 
the English of the French word net is ' clean ; ' but how can ' nettes,' 
the plural feminine be alfixable to ' berceau,' which is singular and 




masculine? And just as if a mother would ever dream of buying'a 
berceau for her baby that was otherwise than net! 

" But oh! this mention of one's poppet reminds me of a horrible adver- 
tisement I 've seen, which is headed in big type ' PISTOLGRAMS OP 
BABIES.' Good gracious, Mr. Punch ! pray what ever is a pistolgram ? 
Is it some new-fangled fire-arm, like an Armstrong breech propeller, 
and can it be intended really to 170 off ? If so, I'm sure infanticide 
will be alarmingly increased, and it will be a mercy if but one out of a 
doz-'n of one's babies is not shot. I know I've thought a pop-gun a 
sadly dangerous thing, and as for those toy rifles one now sees in every 
nursery, I'm quite sure that it's not safe for children to be left with 
them, for though CHARLES says they can't be loaded, they 've got great 
bayonets stuck on to them, such as seem made expressly to poke one's 
baby's eyes out. But what destructive implement a ' pistolgram ' may 
be, I confess I really have not courage to inquire ; only I feel convinced 
that if it be one-half as terrible as its name seems to imply, our infant 
population will be dreadfully decreased. I know I Ml take good care 
that nobody shall buy my ittle tiddleums a pistolgram, unless I see 
quite clearly that it can't do any harm : and for my part 1 caa't think 
why people can't use common English when they want to name a 
thing, instead of puzzling one with gibberish that no one understands. 
' Cradle ' surely is as pretty a word as ' berceau-nette,' and while 
English folk speak English why on earth should tradesmen address 
them in bad French ? 

" Yours abruptly, Ifr. Punch, for idle tiddleums is crying, 

"ARABELLA ABAMINTA ANGELINA SMITH." 

" P.S. CHARLES says he'd like to catch me asking him to get up in 
( he night to ' rock the berceau-nette,' or get baby its ' bouillie' which he 
supposes will ere long be the substitute for ' pap." " 



THE SPOILT CHILDREN OF THE ADMIRALTY. 

FBOM the way in which affairs are managed in our dockyards, one 
would really think "my Lords" were in a state of second childhood, 
and were playing at ship-building as a means of killing time. No 
sooner is a vessel put in thoroughly good trim, and her crew by careful 
training brought to quite a model state, than an order comes to strip 
her and turn all hands adrift ; as though " my Lords " had suddenly 
grown tired of their plaything, and wanted to get rid of it. The 
wanton way in which new ships are soon neglected, and left to rot as 
hulks in the mud of Hamoaze, is quite unparalleled except by the 
caprices of spoilt children, who, for no cause, take a violent dislike to 
some new toy, and never handle it except to consign it to the dust- 
hole. 

Now, three-deckers and frigates are a costly sort of plaything, and 
we think that MB. BOLL would be thoroughly well justified if he for- 
bade their being wasted and misused as they have been. If our old 
naval enfante gates must have some toy to play with, let them yearly 
be supplied with an old gunboat or two, which they may be at liberty 
to tinker as they please. More than this they really have no right to 
expect, and it is high time that their organs of destructiveness should 
not have such development as has been hitherto permitted them. If 
I all else fails to stop them, aery of "Here's Punch coming!" will 
I doubtless do great good ; and Punch promises to look into the nursery 
ere long, to see if any amendment has resulted from this threat. 



THE POPE'S LAST. 

SOME years ago a drama was produced at Drury Lane, in which 
MR, ANDEHSON, acting as a Red Indian, made a great sensation by 
repeating expressions of violent hatred and contempt for "Civili- 
sation!" The POPE has just published an Allocution, wherein he 
appears to have taken a leaf out of the book of the author of the 
drama which MR. ANDERSON used to distinguish himself in. His 
Holiness, in several places, denounces " Contemporary Civilisation," 
which, he says, " has given rise to many facts never to be sufficiently 
deplored." The most deplorable of these facts, of course, is the deter- 
mination of the Roman States to exchange constitutional government 
for Popery. Let his Holiness and the Cardinals put on their war- 
paint, dance their war-dance, brandish their tomahawks, and shout 
their war-whoop against " Contemporary Civilisation ! " 



A Circular Note. 

WE are told that Rome is wanted as the future centre of United 
Italy. It is true that COUNT CAVOUR admits that to obtain possession 
of it, the consent of France must be had. Under these circumstances, 
it strikes us possibly that it is not Rome so much as Louis NAPOLEON 
that is first wanted as a-ssenter. Given : the EMPEROR or THE FRENCH 
as a centre, and VICTOR EMMANUEL would not belong before describing 
the magic circle he wants of Italian liberty. 



APRIL G, 18C1.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



ISO 



SIGHT-SEEING AND SNEEZING. 



S the time for picture- 
seeing is drawing nigh at 
hand, it may be 
briug Ix-fore the notice of 
the public the following 
remarks upon its want of 
good bclmviour, adduced 
by on'; who watches it 
at what (tents call the 
"Brompton Hilt-rs," but 
geutlniirii term more pro- 
perly the South Kensing- 
ton Museum : 

"The mere exhibition of 
pictures to great multitudes 
expose* them to accident* 
which would hardly be dreamt 
of. The public sneeze upon 
the pictures, and the saliva 
runs down, and positively *at* 
away thesuriseeof them. One 
i e DUMt valuable of Hn. 
HIJLKXAOTS pictures was co- 
vered with the eonirhinirs and 
sneezing* of the public looking 
close at the picture, and laiigh- 
- ing in the presence of it. We 
have great diflii-ulty in pre- 
venting then expmslng the 
emotion* they feel in looking 
at picture, and they will 

touch it ; they say, ' Look at tbnt expression ; ' and the consequence is, that they ecrape off a 
little I" oat We hare come to the conclusion that pictures within reach must be 

put under glasja. We have already the experience that glass keeps pictures much cleaner. We 
all know that tin i gradually becoming very well behaved, and is well behaved, 

Mill they very much like 1 . We had a little bit of sculpture, a mother and baby, 

and the baby excited the interest of all the mothers that came to the fnueeum ; they were always 
measuring their babies by thu .side of it, and touching it, till it became quite grubby. It happened 
to be only a cast, but precautions must be taken to prevent things beiug damaged." 

" Blow your noses, wipe your eyes, and don't breathe upon the glass," was 
the advice we recollect once hearing from a peep-shnwman ; and a caution some- 
what similar should be placed in all our picture galleries, until the public better 1 described as a 




I knows how it should behave iNrlf. K. ,-\, \ ,.ur bands from 
[ picking and feeling, and your mouth* and nar 

n; and from sneezing: this should IK- the rule 
insisted on in future, and pn> always 

in attendance to enforce it. People with bad colds should 
not be suffered entrance, except under the care of a 
watcher or policeman, who would prevent their jroine 
near enough to sneeze upon a picture, or to couch a bit of 
| paint off; and as for persons who take snuff, they should 
j be compelled to leave their rmxes at \l\i- door, just as 
\ i>i'i.rs now leave their walking-slicks and their umbrellas. 

1 1 would be well too if attendants were potted >i 
to look to all the more exciting pictun-s, so as to prevent, 
their beincr cried over or hurt by bring laughed at. There 
is no telling what damage a flood of tears might 
water-colour painting, and many a picture is too delica'e 
to bear a burs' of laughter daily without injury. 
are several chef* d'arurre in OUT National Collection which 
are fine enough to make almost anybody's mouth water; 
and due care should be taken that from such a caute as 
this no evil should result. Of course the nation has a 
perfect right to go and see its pictures; but we think: it 
should remember that the works of TITIAN, TCRSIB, 
HOGARTH, KUBKNS. and VANDYKE are not exactly to be 
ranked among the things which may be sneezed at. 



A Little Nursery Bhyme. 

(For IliMtr&U.) 

JOHN BHIOHT hot- 
British public cold 

Lf ATHAM talking JOBS BRIOIIT'S rot, 
Mine months old. 



THE SOCIAL NUISANCi:. 

LADIES' dresses now expand to such a circumference 
that an evening party,^ even without a tapper, may be 



YAHOOS AMONG THE YANKEES. 

WHO would not be the wife of a President, and be sketched in pen 
and ink in this way for the public P 

" MRS. LINCOLN Is a middle-aged lady of well, say 40 or perhaps 38 years of age. 
On the top of her head, the place where the hair ought to grow, the hair does grow, 
and very luxuriantly too, of a dark brown colour and elastic fibre. Her head Is 
large and well-developed, presenting the organs of firmness and language in a highly 
developed and well-matured condition. Her forehead is broad, her eye clear and 
nt and rather blue than grey : her nose is well, not to put too fine a point 
on it in not Grecian ; her mouth is largo, well-shaped, and capable of great expul- 
sion, while her cliin rounds gracefully, balances properly.* ana goes in a quiet way 
towanis tlio endorsing of our opinion that sho is a decided, not obstinate, woman. 
Her form inclines to stout jess, but is well-faxhiouod and comely ; while her hands 
and feet are really beautiful, indicating, as does the well-shaped ear, that she has 
come from a race of people who were well born. Her carriage is good, her manners 
are pleasant, her greetings are affable, and without doubt her intentions are comet 
. . . MR*. LINCOLN does not chew, nor snuff; does not dress in oulrl style, 
does not walk ,/ la Zmiart, does not use profane language, nor does she on any 
Uo or private, kick up shindies. These negatives are necessary, 
because the affirmative of these propositions has been sent broadcast throughout 
the laud." 

As a pendant, to these latter statements, we may mention that the 
writers for the New York newspapers are. generally speaking, Yankees, 
not Yahoos, and gentlemen and not gorillas. This statement may be 
necessary, because persons at a distance might, from passages like the 
above, imagine that wild beasts wrote for the papers in America, and 
that anything like gentlemanly language was extiuct. \Vhat would be 
thought in England if the wives of leading statesmen were criticised in 
this way; if LADY PALMERSTON, for instance, were said to have red 
hair, and the wile of VISCOUNT WILLIAMS were to be scribbled about 
as having a big mouth and a snub nose P Would not people of all 
creeds, Tory, Liberal, and Radical, concur in crying shame ! upon so 
monstrous an intrusion upon family concerns ? 

A public man is public property ; granted, gentlemen, of course : but 
only as regards his public acts and bearing. No writer has a right to 
cross the private threshold, and to parade in public print what he may 
behold there. Criticise the President, and his policy and speeches ; 
but if you claim the title of " gentlemen oi the press," take care not 
to push your criticism further. With his wife aud family you have 
nought to do, any more than with what he had served yesterday for 
dinner. And the penny-a-liner who would stoop to earn some coppers 
by such impudence is worthy of more kickings than he is of half- 
pence. 

* Balances what, pray ? a donkey, or a poker, or a Chinese pagoda ? 



THE LAST NEW MARTYR. 

To the Editor of the Tablet. 
REVMEND (?) SIB, 

You have been informed, by the instantaneous agency of the 
electric wire, that the venerable BISHOP OF POITIERS has been cruelly 
sentenced, by the subservient council of a tyrannical State, to be 
formally reprimanded for having, in the fervour of a pious indignation, 
set the treacherous EMPEROR of the revolutionary &ENCU the appro- 
priate nickname of PONTIUS PILATE. 

Oh, impious outrage ! Oh, sacrilegious audacity ! Oh, cruel, 
inhuman, atrocious, abominable enormity ! Oh, unheard-of persecution, 
unsurpassed by the Imperial Tyrant who, in the early ages of the pri- 
mitive Church, was wont to cause the faithful Catholics, disguised in 
the shaggy skins of terrible wild beasts, to be savagely baited to bitter 
death by ferocious and infuriated dogs ! It has been reserved for the 
worse than heathen minions of a modern Emperor to sentence a 
Catholic Bishop to be formally reprimanded. Oh! barbarous perse- 
cutors ! Oh injured and insulted, yet enviable prelate, heroic sufferer 
of agonising but glorious martyrdom ! 

If yon want a pastoral composed in regular style for any member of 
your hierarchy, apply to 

Feast of All Fool*, 1861. 



RATHER PUNGENT. 

" Now, my dear, I must insist upon it," said the President of the 
Female ^alt-Tobacco league, in her angriest mood, to her unfortunate 
husband, " do put down that filthy snuff-box of yours. You "re eternally 
using it. Why, I declare this composite candle is better a thousand 
times than your nose." 

" Why, my darling?" said the husband, coolly helping himself to 
another pinch. 

" Because, Sir, it requires no snuffing," was the wife's indignant 
reply, as she sailed out of the room, vehemently banging the door after 
her, to express her disgust. N.B. A woman in a rage always bangs 
the door. 



INTEHNATIONAL COURTESY. Italy invites France to take French 
leave of Rome. 



HO 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 6, 1861. 




AWFUL APPARITION ! 

Mrs. T. (to T., who has been reading the popular novel}. " PEAY, ME. TOMKINS, AES YOU NEVEE COMING UP-STATES ? How MUCH 

LONGER ARE YOU GOING TO SlI UP WITH THAT ' WOMAN IN WHITE ? ' " 



STRIKE, but, hear me, my good fellow, 

If you will reflect, you can. 
Be not as the brutes which bellow ; 

List to reason, like a man. 
Wages fair for fair day's labour 

If you like, you may refuse ; 
Whereupon your foreign neighbour 

Work will get which you will lose. 

Your employers will not lack you; 

Spurn their proffer if you like. 
And the Public then will back you, 

Do you fancy, in your strike ? 
You, that in these times of trouble, 

Do your best to make them wor^e, 
When all food is costing double 

What it did, to every purse P 



" STRIKE, BUT HEAR ME ! 

Last cold winter just endeavour 

If you can, to recollect ; 
Next may prove as hard, but never 

Then the least relief expect. 
Deaf to all expostulation, 

As your course you now pursue, 
My pigheaded friend, the nation 
be then as deaf to you. 



Ah ! then I shall see you slouching 

At the corner of the street, 
Cringing, stooping, crawling, crouching, 

Whining sore for bread to eat, 
For your wife and cliildren craving 

Charity from door to door, 
Told that you now thus behaving 

Should have thought of them before ! 



I shall see you prostrate sprawling 

On the pavement, bare of bones, 
And, in white chalked letters, scrawling 

" I am starving ! " on the stones. 
Or, with your companions tramping 

Out at elbow and at, shoe, 
Hear you, for the cold while stamping, 

Sing, " We 've got no work to do ! " 

Don't believe a word they utter 

Who are making you their tool. 
Quarrel with your bread and butter ! 

How can you be sucli a fool ? 
Come, return to your vocation, 

Trowel, plumb, and square resume, 
Or go seek a situation 

At a crossing, with a broom. 



"Falmam qui Meruit Ferat." 

SOUTH Carolina has hoisted the Palmetto flag, in honour, we sup- 
pose, ol the tree under whose friendly shade Charlestown symbolically 
reposes. We think that Carolina is rather premature in raising this 
banner, for it remains yet to be proved which of the two North or 
South America is destined to carry off the Palm ? We advise them 
to make it up. and whilst, the one holds out the right hand of friendship, 
let the other extend its Palm in hearty good fellowship. In the words 
of DR. WATTS, we tell them, with the privilege of a close relation, that 
sure their little hands were never made to scratch each other's eyes. 



BY ALL MEANS, Oci. The English passports now commence with 
" We, LOED JOHN RUSSELL." Should it not be " Wee '( " 



Hamlet in a Laughing Mood. 

MONSIEUR FECHTER, at a large gathering of dramatic authors, was 

asked to explain what "unsucces d'estime" meant? when he laughingly 

1 said, " Well, I will tell you, a Railway is le plus grand succes de steam ' 

i that I know, and what is still more strange, the author of this (/rand 

succes was, not a Frenchman, but an Eaglishman. This success, like 

too many of your successes, was ' not taken from the French, but is 

perfectly original. The Author's name, I have the honour of informing 

you, gentlemen, is STEPHENSON ! " The company applauded MONSIEUE 

FECHTER, as though they were at the theatre. 

A QUESTION FOR THE HOESE GUAEDS. When Peace is concluded, 
is War commenced ? 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APRIL C, 1861. 




STRIKE, BUT HEAR ME."-DON'T QUARREL WITH YOUR 

BREAD AND BUTTER. 



APRIL 6, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LOXDOX CIIAKTVARI. 



1!" 



JOHN PALMERSTON. 

AIR" John Ilighlandman." 

AN Irish Lord my JOHN was bora, 
Both Dulness and Dona he held in scorn, 
But he stood for Cambridge at twenty-one, 
My gallant, gay, JOHN PALMERSTON ! 

Sing hey, my brisk JOHN PALMERSTON ! 

Sing ho, my blithe JOHN PALMERSION ! 

Let Tory and Radical own they 've none 

To compare with my jaunty JOHN PALMERSTON. 

Thanks to tact and temper, and taste for the trade, 
For twenty years in office he stayed, 
Let who would be Premier, it seemed all one, 
So his Sec.-at-War was JOHN PALMBRSTON. 
Sing hey, &o. 

There he did his work, for chief after chief, 
Till the Tory party it came to grief; 
And the Treasury Bench when the Whigs they won,! 
Who was Foreign Sec. but JOHN PALKERSTON ! 
Sing hey, &c. 

Since then years thirty and one he 's seen, 
But no mark they 've left on this evergreen ; 
Still the first in his place when Debate's begun, 
And the last to leave it is PALKERSTON. 
Sing hey, &c. 

With his hat o'er his eyes, and his nose in the air, 
So jaunty, and genial, and debonair 
Talk at him to him against him none 
Can take a rise out of PALMERSTON. 
Sing hey, &c. 

And suppose his parish register say 
He 's seventy-seven, if he 'a a day ; 
What, 's that, if you 're still all fire and fun, 
Like METHUSELAH, or JOHN PALMERSTON P 
Sing hey, &c. 

How to marshal a House of Commons' fight, 
How to punish DIZZY, or counter BRIGHT, 
How Deputations ought to be done, 
Who can teach so well as JOHN PALMERSTON ? 
Sing hey, &c. 

Agricultural meetings he holds by the ears, 
Through their facings puts Hampshire Volunteers, 
Or with UOTV CLIFFE takes up the glores for fan, 
This elderly evergreen, PALMERSTON. 
Sing hey, &c. 

He '11 resist the gale, or he '11 bow to the storm- 
He '11 patronise BRIGHT, or he'll chaff Reform, 
Make a Shaft'sbury Bishop, or poke his fun 
At original sin, will JOHN PALMBRSTON. 
Sing hey, &c. 

Of the Cinque-Ports Warden he's made at last, 
And fears of invasion aside are cast : 
There 's never a Mounseer son of a gun 
Can come over you. my JOHN PALMERSTON 
Sing hey, &c. 

Since the days of the Patriarchs ne'er was seen 
A head so grey with a heart so green ; 
And when, if ever, his day is done. 
There'll be tears from Punch for JOHN PALMERSTON, 
Sing hey, &c. 



Am I not a Man and a Brother, Jonathan ? 

WE see there has been a book published called The Republic of Fool*. 
For fear there should be any misapprehension on the other side of the 
water, we beg most distinctly to state, that the work in question does 
not bear the remotest allusion to America, notwithstanding the very 
great fools that our cousins in that mighty Republic have been lately 
making of themselves in falling out and quarrelling, when, as their 
very name tells them, all the States should be United. 



THE POLICEMAN'S BEAT By the Volunteers. They have not the 
slightest chance against them. The poor fellows are getting quite 
thin. 



A CRINOLINE HOSPITAL WANTED. 



ulere Orinolimi, Mils ? Here is another sample ol 
the dangers you incur by it : 

" AHOT IOEVT. ToitenUy morning, aa a lady waa endoavonr- 

mg to enter an omnibus In t I, which had atopped at her request, the 

fold* of her voluminous draaa were caught by the wheel of a paailng cab, and ahe 
was carried a couaiderablo dtatauoe by the vehicle before aha could be extricated 
from her periloua position. On being conveyed to a nirgeon'a it waa aaeartalued 
that the poor lady bad received a fracture of her leg la addition to aereral amre 
coutuaioua. and ahe wu conveyed to her homo in a moat pitiable condition " 

Among the many schemes suggested for the outlet of benevolence, 
we wonder nobody has set on foot a hospital for patients who have 
been either maimed or burnt through the wearing of wide petticoats. 
So largely have the accidents from this cause of late increased, that 
were a Crinoline Wing added to Guy's or St. Bartholomew's it would 
not long suffice to meet the exigencies of the case. Scarcely a day 
passes without our hearing of some score or two of mishaps that have 
occurred through this fruitful source of accident, and we think it is 
high time that special steps be taken to provide the sufferers with 
adequate relief. Litters should be kept at all the crowded crossings, 
to be ready .to convey the patients to the hospital, which should oe 
erected in some central spot ; and for the relief of the severer cases 
there should be reception rooms provided in each thoroughfare, where 
sufferers might be sheltered and receive the care they need. Whether 
fire-escapes could be provided for ladies who catch fire through their 
amplitude of dress, is a point which MR. BRAIDWOOD perhaps may 
ascertain ; but we should certainly advise there being plenty of lint and 
flour and other remedies for burns .kept at hand in every drawing- 
room where Crinoline is tolerated, so as to afford relief until the 
surgeon can arrive. 

Were we inclined to make a classical comparison, we might liken 
the entangling folds of a wide dress to the deadly serpent's folds 
wherewith Laocooa was strangled, or compare them for combustion to 
the shirt of Nessus. But as we hope that what we write will be read 
as much by ladies as by schoolboys and M.P.'s, we will not let put the 
quotations which we have at our pen's tip. Suicide by Crinoline has 
been quite long enough a fashionable failing, and we think it is high 
time that there should be an end to it. Ridicule apparently has failed 
to give much check, and it must now be seen what frightening may do 
for us. If Lovely Woman is not to be laughed out of her folly, 
perhaps it may be found that she can be made nervous through it ; and 
when once her nerves are touched she will submit to what is asked of 
her. Were wide dresses marked "Dangeron!" as they hang up in 
the shops, ladies might in some measure be deterred from buying them : 
and their fears might very likely with advantage be enhanced, were 
statistics to be published in big print in the newspapers, showing the 
average of persons who are daily lamed or burned through their ampli- 
tude of skirt. 



THE EASY HAIRCUTTING AND SHAVING SHOP. 

' A FINE opening into a famous business offers itself to any mode- 
rately enterprising hair-dresser who will only take a very little trouble 
to supply a want which is felt by every man, except perhaps men who 
are entirely bald, and not altogether except even them. In spite of all 
that has been said against a species of solicitation which constitutes one 
of the greatest nuisances of common life, hairdressers^assistants still 
persevere in bothering their patients, the customers of tjlfeir employers, 
with recommendations of grease and wash of various kinds wherewith 
to bathe or anoint the hair. If a man has no hair at all they will 
perhaps have the insolence to urge him to try something warranted to 
reproduce it. If you tell them tbat you never use any unctuous appli- 
cation, and are simply in the habit of washing your head every morning, 
and they see. in fact, that you are not accustomed to smear it with 
odoriferous filth, then they will plague you with suggestions of some 
specific for shaving, and will not tale no for an answer, and be quiet 
when you assure them that yon are satisfied with Castile soap. Thus 
has one been brought absolutely to dread entering a shop to get one's 
hair cut, and is induced to think not only of joining the moustache and 
beard movement, but also of letting the hair of one's head grow. The 
importunities of these men are extremely irritating. You are pestered 
with entreaties to purchase things which you not only don't want, but 
which, if you buy them, you will have to carry away. Can this be 
worth their while or that of their masters P Is any man ever persuaded 
to stuff jars and bottles into his pockets P 

Let anybody setting up as a hairdresser advertise his shop as one in 
which all articles necessary to the toilet may be obtained, but all 
requests to take them are strictly forbidden. He has only to spend a 
little money in putting announcements in the papers, and getting hand- 
bills printed to notify extensively enough that he intends to practise 
hairdressing without humbug, and shaving divested of barbarism, 
renouncing the barbarous dodge of attempting to force sales of fluids 
and pomatums. If, in addition to shaving and hairdressing, he wishes 



144 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 6, 1861. 



to sell creams and 'extracts, he can content himself with sticking puffs of iho&e 
articles, illuminated, framed, and glazed, all over the walls of the rooms in which 
his business is conducted, and which will soon be largely frequented by a numerous 
class of persons who would gladly go miles out of their way to get their hair cut in 
peace and quietness, without being worried. Whosoever will drive a roaring trade 
in the hairdressing and shaving line, he has nothing to do more than observe the 
above directions ; and set up his pole in any decent neighbourhood wherein it will 
assuredly take root and flourish. 




THE GREAT DIVORCE (NOW DUE). 

DAYS of Divorce are these : SIR C. RESSWELL CRESSWELL 

yEacus, Minos, Rhadamanth m one 
Sits, saying sternly, to all wedded sinners, ' 

" Divide ! " and it is done ! 

Spite of both Rome and Oxfoid BO\VYER'S bowlings, 

And SAMUEL'S struggles, sly and saponaceous, 
JOHN BULL'S coarse common-sense has given the lie 

To Theologues pugnacious- 
And said that marriage is a mutual compact 

With two parts, whereof either rudely broken, 
Dissolves the other, though upon the banns 

A priest have blessing spoken. 

So come you down into the severing court, 
You ill-matched ancient pair, whose wedlock's scandal, 

Ages ago, to DANTE'S awful scorn 
Gave a tremendous handle. 

Come Roman Church and State pair foully linked, 
Worse fate by CONSTANTINE and CHARLEMAGNE ! 

Prom Union which has wrought the curse of both, 
Be separate again ! 

Poor Church which ere that fatal wedding rite, 
Wert still a virgin holy, pure and true : 

Poor State, that with a soldier's faults hadst then 
A soldier's virtues too ! 

Now tainted each with other's special sins, 

Church as State stupid, sensual, and self-seeking ; 

State as Church cowardly, persecuting, proud, ; 
Subtle and sneaking. 

Come long enough the world has blushed or bled, 
For crimes which from your union took their source 

Let Rome that, sorrowing, saw your wedlock, see 
Rejoicing, your divorce ! 

" Whom God hath joined let not man put asunder : " 
The word is good. Part not whom God unites : 

But whom the Fiend has joined, God bless the hand 
That, swift, asunder smites. 



RIGHT ABOUT FACE ! When a man's countenance lights 
up, is it probable (do you think, WISCOUNT VILLIAJIS ?) 
that it is because he possesses Lantern Jaws ? 



OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT. 

" MY DEAR PUNCH, 

" CERVANTES has scarcely depicted a more amusing episode 
in Sancho Pawn's official life than when that humble hero, seated at 
the dinner-table, is prevented from satisfying his appetite by the 
officious zeal of his medical adviser. Dainty after dainty appears, but 
the physician is inexorable, and dishes vanish, one by one, under his 
potent wand. There are passages in my life when I have been forcibly 
reminded of the scene. I allude to passages on the briny sea. The 
feast is spread, the guests assembled, the Captain smiles and begins to 
carve, when lo ! up rises Neptune with that awful trident, the table 
lurches at his touch, and away we stagger to our cabins. Perhaps we 
do not lose much by the interdiction. The viands on board the Baron 
Nosey are not always of a first-rate description, and on the occasion 
when we were bound for Porto Franco would certainly not have 
tempted me under a favourable wind. I am not much given to the 
pleasures of the table, even when the pleasures of the table are given to 
me; but this I will say, that I prefer a hot dinner to a tepid one, and 
as the latter was the condition in which the dishes were served, and a 
strong atmospheric evidence of engine-room was now and then wafted 
across the cabin after vaiuly wiuking at DEWBERRY, who was dividing 
his attention very fairly between Miss EMILY SPICKS. (MAJOR SPICER'S 
second daughter) and a pigeon pie, and failing to draw him off, I went 
on deck to console myself with a weed. 

" There, as it happened, I came suddenly on a select party of three, ; 
who were making a meagre pic-nic under the shelter of the paddle-box 
an Englishman, his wife, and a sort of 'young person,' who, not 
appearing precisely in the character of a companion or of a servant, 
seemed to discharge the duties of both. As I walked forward, quite 
innocently, to my surprise, there was a great confusion, and a sudden 
making away with papers of sandwiches and hiding a suspicious j 



looking bottle in the folds of an umbrella. The gentleman aforesaid, 
who was making convulsive efforts to swallow a mouthful of ham, prfr- 
tended to be earnestly engaged in contemplating the engine-room, 
while his worthy lady suddenly became immersed in MURRAY'S Hand- 
book, by which I have no doubt she must have been extremely edified, 
seeing that it was, as I subsequently discovered, upside down. 

" Well, I puffed away in silence (being, of course, forbidden under 
heavy penalties to speak to the man at the wheel), and was presently 
joined by DICK, his fair charmer having left him in order to accom- 
pany her Mamma, who had freely partaken of lobster salad, into the 
ladies' cabin, as it was getting rather rough. 

"DICK, on hearing of the pic-nic business, burst into a roar of 
laughter. 'Don't you know who that is?" said he; ' that 'sM TINSEL, 
of Skifflint Hall, Ayrshire, and that 's his wife. They bring their own 
lunch on board to save a few francs below; but tiiey always take 
places in the saloon of a boat, for the sake of appearances. I knew 
them in Paris, where they had swell apartments in the Faubourg St. 
G., and dined on a leg of mutton all the week. Old M'T. is always 
talking of the magnificent establishment which he left at SkiiHint ; and 
he may speak the truth for aught I know, as the place is let twelve 
months in the year. They are pretty well off in the world, if they 
would only live quietly; but as they will attempt to "astonish the 
Browns," they are put to all sorts of mean little shifts at home. 
Where did you say they stowed the bottle? Wait a bit. I must pay 
my respects, you know." And here the deceitful wretch, under cover 
of this object, went up to them, and a minute afterwards I saw him 
offering his assistance to MRS. M'T., who was moving off laden with 
the remains of the banquet. ' Oh ! thank you, MR. DEWBERRY, never 
mind," said that lady, as DICK was politely taking the umbrella; 
'Never mind I can at least ch, take care, please ! ' And at this 
juncture the umbrella fell wide open, and disclosed a black bottle, from 
which issued (according to DICK) a strong odour of Jamaica rum. 



APRIL 6, 1SGL] 



ITXCII, OR THE LONDON CIIAU1 VAKI. 



145 



" ' It 's it 's only the the claret/ said Mas. M'T., getting very pink. 
' You know the wine is so shockingly bad on board, and MORGAN can't 
get on without his ahem Bordeaux.' And she put up such a piteous 
mean little face that I couldn't help pitying her. 

'To be sure an exeejlent plan,' said DICK, looking across to me. 
And here M'T. ; who had rclirrd from the scene, hoping to escape 
notice, now, seeing the umbrella opened, and the murder out, came up 
rather sulkily, and seizing the unfortunate gingham, they both went 
below, looking very warm and uncomfortable. 

" DICK and I had both secured sofas to sleep on at night, which, by 
the way, are infinitely preferable to those rickety shelves called berths. 
Before retiring to rest, we were pacing the declc, talking of old East- 
minster days and future prospects, when, whom should we come upon 
hut Miss ARMSTRONG, the celebrated American painter (we used to 
meet her at Mus. U'IMIOLB'S converzatione^yes, by Jove! Miss 
ARMSTRONG reading CAKUYLE by the light of her cigarette. 'Hullo! 
is that you ? ' said I he damsel, with an extra puff, and nothing taken 
aback. 'How d'yp do, EABL? Pleasant night, ain't itP' (puff). 
Where are you off to ? (puff. puff). Home, L guess so am I. Lots 
of work waiting for me (puff). The DOCK op MACKINTOSH will be 
there this winter. Know him? Not a bad feller, / can tell you." 
And after a few other rc.iiarks, the young lady went on with her book. 
' Who the doose is that P ' said DICK (who thinks he knows every- 
one), as we walked away, and I told him. 'By Jove, she 's a clipper, 
and will make her way in the world in spite of her snub nose," said he, 
and indeed I thought so too. 

' We were up the next, morning early, to look at the sunrise, and I 
who have not seen many, I am ashamed to say since I left school, was 
delighted with the marvellous effect of colour. The sky was 

"But stop. I am not going to be tempted into any descriptions of 
scenery I know the fate of such in a hundred pages which I have 
skipped in my novel-reading days. What, after all, is the good of 
using hackneyed expressions and threadbare adjectives to describe in 
crooked letters what the most skilful pencil can but suggest P So we 
will stand out of the light, with your permission, and only uncover our 
heads before the Majesty of Dawn. 

" The day passed away very pleasantly, and that rogue DICK had 
been so judiciously attentive to MAMMA SPICER, that the old Major 
(who is always grateful to anyone who will relieve guard in attendance 
on his partner) shook him heartily by the hand as we approached 
Porto Franco, and said ' Happy to have made your acquaintance, MR. 
DEWBERRY, hope we shall meet again in Rome. You may always 
hear of me at Pellegrini's you know. 1 

" DICK immediately took down the address in his pocket-book, and 
looking pathetically at Miss EMILY, said he should certainly do him- 
self the pleasure of calling. I smiled to think how much such compli- 
ments usually mean betwixt men, and recalled the time when I fondly 
believed people would be glad to see me wheu they sajd so. A similar 
invitation wlien 1 was a youngster induced me to visit a celebrated 
R.A.'s studio ; and a pretty reception I got there. Well ! well ! thank 
Heaven, all men are not alike. Let us give the honest Major the 
benefit of the doubt, and wish MASTER DICK success of his siege in 
the Eternal City. 

" It was already dusk, and we had got our small collection of traps 
together, when a boat came alongside to take off all passengers for 
Btfrto Franco. We jumped in with some fellow-travellers, and were 
soon floating over the deep waters of the Bay. A Neapolitan merchant 
vessel was moored off the quay, and the sailors were chaunting some 
dreamy ditty at their work ; else, all was quiet. Two men, red-capped 
and bronze-armed, punted our boat along. 

' When the deuce are these buffers going to pull ?' said DICK. 
' What on earth is the good of backing water all the way ? ' For the 
graduate was as yet unacquainted with the style of rowing prevalent in 
this part of the world, and which at first sight naturally excited 
indignation in one who had pulled bow in the University Eight. 

" Faithfully yours, 

" JACK EASEL." 



Impromptu (of c<ntne). 

(Made at 5 mituittt to 11 P.M., in one's comfortable Library, aver a blaz'mg food trt, and 
me of the very bat of //avannnta, and after imagining that me had Km in the lift 
malt tht outline of a tpenmen of the mniculine gender in a Parwan Coritt /) 

On ! love of dress, how vain its ways ! 

As shown in yonder Stupid Fop 
We see full clearly where it slays; 

But tell pray tell us where 'twill stop ! 



Wit in the Mess Boom. 



" WHY, I am sure," said a big-mouthed, braggadocious Captain, 
after the second bottle, "at the capture of Delhi, that I must have 
looted at least ay, at least a hagfull of diamonds." 

" Ay, I see, a regular sack of carats," said a promising young 
Ensign, who, before joining, had learnt to be witty by associating with 
several stockbrokers. 




MANSION HOUSE MARBLES. 

AST among the 
various purposes 
subserved by the 
civic General 
Purposes Com- 
mittee, is the 
adornment of I he 
Mansion House. 
For this purpose, 
liy order of the 
Court of Com- 
mon Council, I lic.y 
have within nine 
yean ordered di- 
vers sculptures 
to be executed 
by sundry artists. 
Among these 
works of art, all 
in marble, is a 
statue of SAB- 

DAHAPALUS, I1OW 

nearly completed. 
They are to be 
, i laced in the 
Egyptian Hall ; 
where SARDAXA- 
IALUS will liud 
himself in every 
way except no- 
minally at home. 
The image of the 

Assyrian monarch and voluptuary will be a suitable ornament for that 
hall which is consecrated to the orgies of the City King. It will be 
considerably more in keeping with the character of the apartment in 
question than that of a very different sovereign about to be placed 
there ALFRED THE GREAT. Another neighbour of SAKDANAPALUS 
is to be a statuette named DRYDEN'S Alexander's Feast. It is diffi- 
cult to imagine how a statuette can b; made out of such a subject, 
unless we suppose it to represent ALEXANDER in the act of feasting, 
in which case it would certainly form a most suitable embellishment 
of the Mansion House. But ALFRED will be quite out of place there, 
and, if as yet only ordered, should by all means be countermanded for 
a becoming substitute. As one that would harmonise completely 
with the genius loci, and admirably match SARDASAPALDS acd 
Alexander's Featl, we earnestly recommend the Human Emperor 
VITELLITJS, wli9 was so excessively addicted to eating and drinking, 
and thus, as his name would be said in the City to signify, Bitch a 
beggar for wittles. 

PALMERSTON AT HOME. 

LORD PALMERSTON, on Maunday Thursday, delivered an At Home 
before his Tiverton constituents in the shape of an Easter Entertain- 
ment. The Decision of this performance was his Lordship's appoint- 
ment to the Office of Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports, which five 
ports, however, the Right Hon. Viscount, to the satisfaction of his 
hearers, showed to be little better than five empty bottles. The ob- 
servations of the noble PREMIER related to affairs in general, and, as 
usual, blended instruction with amusement, being heard with rapt 
attention and interrupted by roars of laughter. The latter were more 
particularly elicited by the remarks which he made in answer to a 
volley of absurd and vulgar abuse which was fired at him by a friend 
of the people, whom he shut perfectly up, concluding with these 
words : " I believe I have answered most of the questions put by 
MR. ROWCLIFFE." 

Digging for Medical Boots. 

WHAT is hypocrite derived from P We are not classical enough to 
say, and have no time to write to DEAN TRENCH, but we should say 
that it came originally from HIPPOCRATES, and means one who is a 
quack, who prescribes falsely, and deals in deleterious things. Such a 
man is a hypocrite, as contradistinguished from a true disciule of 
HIPPOCRATES, or one who is a genuine professor of the healing Truth. 



AN IMPERIAL ENRAGED MUSICIAN. 

THE EMPEROR OF AUSTRIA would not mind KMSUTH'S striking 
false notes, if they were not likely to create discord in Hungary. 



THE SOUREST KIND OF ACID. The Ascetic Acid. 



140 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 6, 1861. 




FORCE OF HABIT.-(A TABLEAU FOR FAMILY PEOPLE ONLY.) 

ADOLPHC?, GEORGE, AND LOUISA, ARE PLAYING IN KENSINGTON GARDENS TO THEM THE FAMILY DOCTOR UNEXPECTEDLY. A. AND 

a G. AND L. GO THROUGH THE EXPRESSIVE PANTOMIME OF PUTTING OUT THEIR TONGUES AS A MATTER OF COURSE. 



TO SPURGEON. 

3 &crtumsttame. 

A TRITON 'mong minnows 'mong small fry a Sturgeon, 

Of the Sea of Dissent still be Bishop, O SPURGEON 

May his tonsils and windpipe ne'er call for a surgeon, 

Be tough as bull-leather, O lungs of my SPDRGEON ! 

While upwards shall shoot, and resplendent shall burgeon, 

With rare flowers of speech, the renown of my SPURGEON. 

In 'spounding and 'splaining still frothily surge on, 

In the comic-coiiventicle-style dear to SPUBGEON. 

Subscriptions to finish thy church may'st thou urge on, 

To a thundering tune, irresistible SPUHGEON. 

And long may the thousands transpontine converge on 

The plate and the porch of my popular SPURGEON. 

If Pride must have a fall, lightly still fall Pride's purge on 

Tabernac'lar trustees, full of faith in their SPURGEON. 

Be it long ere thine own chapel choir sing a dirge on 

The decline of the drawing attractions of SPTTRGEON. 

But as two of a trade can't agree, if you verge on 

3fy domain. Punch must say, "One at once, my dear SPURGEON. 

Prom his show-box the pulpit were Punch to emerge on, 

Ask yourself how you 'd like it, my excellent SPUBGEON ? " 



Troops that Can Well be Spared. 

TALK of recalling the troops from Home, we wish Louis NAPOLEON 
would recall the troops of Frenchmen and Frenchwomen that infest 
Regent Street in the day-time, and the purlieus of Leicester Square at 
night! We do not think any person would throw the smallest 
obstacle in the way of their leaving the country. One thing is certain, 
that the safety, as well as the respectability, of that part of London 
would be materially increased by their absence. We do wish the 
EMPEROR would recall them. 



PROPOSED DECORATION OF THE HOUSE OF LORDS. 

IT is said that HER MAJESTY has been advised to do the House of 
Lords the honour of creating SIR BENJAMIN BRODIE a Peer. So dis- 
tinguished a representative of the medical profession among the Peers 
would add much to their Lordships' intellectual dignity, of which at 
present the most eminent examples are the law lords. But a profession 
grounded on knowledge of the laws of nature is infinitely nobler than 
one which merely demands acquaintance with the statutes and usages 
of the realm, and the first surgeon in England is, as such, fitter to be 
ennobled than the first lawyer ; that is to say, if the surgeon, who 
should be a philosopher, cares about a title. Moreover, the medical 
profession is infinitely more respectable than the legal ; for whereas 
the former involves nothing that is morally dirty, the practice of the 
latter largely consists in abetting extortion, defending scoundrels, 
defeating the ends of justice, and, for these purposes, employing u 
venal sophistry, and bullying witnesses with the intent of confusing 
them and tricking their mouths into telling juries a lie. Than ail 
which mercenary and fraudulent operations, lithotomy, amputation, 
the taking up and tying of arteries, and all other proceedings tending 
to the cure of disease, the salvation of life, and the relief of pain, even 
bleeding and tooth-drawing, are infinitely more honourable. Therefore, 
hey for LORD BRODIE ! 



Jigs for Gents. 

A FELLOW actually advertises Yeherto* Waltzes. A Yelverton 
waltz, we suppose, is a valse a deux dames. We have not even heard 
these waltzes, and therefore are unable to say if the vileness of the 
music corresponds to the offensiveness of their title. Of course we 
have not seen them danced, because, to do that, we should have had 
to mingle with the most awful of snobs, and descend into the most 
horrible abysses of disgusting blackguardism. 

THE RsruJtif OF THE PRODIGAL. Evil for Good. 



m 
ua-SroAi7pil 6, 1851. 



" V b " r ; P1 M -."" 1 "I 
Precinct of 



, ""I 1 ..' 19. ? K<1 Wt, R^enf. P.rk. bolk in th P.rt.h of St. P.ncrw, IB the County of Midcl 
fnar., in the Citj of London, and Publi.heu by them at No. Si, Fleet. Street in the Ptriib of St. Bride, in th C t 



Armr, 13, 18C1.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



147 



AT the Haymarket play-l)ill's liead 
"TI1K MILLER AND HIS MEN" I 
read, 

A weight of years my mind off 
Upon the instant seemed to fall, 
I was again an urchin small 
Forgotten, toils and rarrs and all, 
I cried aloud, " A cab po call, 

I will revisit Grindoff!" 




THE (1RTNDOPF OF OUR VOlTtT. 

What joy, as on my way I rolled, 
To live again youth's age of gold, 

To tear life's bitter rind off; 
To taste anew its kernel sweet 
As once, when Fancy Hope would meet 
Round FAIRBAIRN'S richly-coloured sheet, 
AV itli cast of characters complete, 

From Kelmur up to Grindoff! 

I see them now ! The fair Claudine 
Ravina too, the bandit queen, 

With slow-match coil to wind off 
Riber, Golotz, ferocious brutes ! 
In tabbed and buckled bandit-suits ; 
Count Fribovrp, splendid in his boots, 
Carl, and LotAair, who bravely shoots, 

After humbugging, Grindoff.' 

And, last not least, stood Grindoff there, 
Disguised from treacherous heel' to hair, 

Suspicion thus to blind off, 
In Miller's coat, and beaver grey, 



QRINDOFF REVISITED. 

Though from beneath that mild array 
Peeped forth the boots which seemed to.'say 
" 1'iatols and Plunder, arc the lay 
Of the abandoned Grindoff!" 

Those sheets of scenes too ! Wings and fliei 
Cottage O.I', where k'elmar ' 

To talk a dog's leg (hind) off; 
The boats to cross the lake with sacks 
Rowers with practicable backs 
The mill that works its sails, and clacki 
TV interior scene of Carl's attacks 

On robbers, rats, and flrin 

The wood where Ribtr and (' 

Deal dagger -thrusts and pistol-shots, 

And lead LotAair, made blind, off; 
The cavern underneath the mill, 
Where bandits at their wicked will, 
Dance and carouse and sleep and swill, 
Wlnlc brave Lothair, with simple skill, 

Gulls stern, but shallow Griml- 

Once more, Lothair prepares the train ; 
Once more with crime and jealous pain 

Jiavina'i beauty's pined off; 
Once more, dark Riber' ' midnight . 
Is stopped by Carl, in nick of tin 
Once more, the hill the soldiers climb, 
Once more the Mill blows up sublime, 

Over the corpse of Grindoff ! 

Oh blissful past ! Oh happy day ! 
When thoughts of evening's coming play 

I breakfasted and dined off: 
Characters cut and marshalled fair, 
Scenery and machinery square, 
The dialogue got up with care, 
The squibs to blow Ihe Mill in air, 

After the fall of Qrindof! 

Yes, I will be a boy again : 
And with "THE MILLER AND HIS 
MEN" 

These forty years of mine doff; 
The drama that so charmed the boy 
Will charm e'en manhood's dull annoy, 
And, though the gold have some alloy, 
A golden hour I '11 still enjoy, 

With my old favourite Grindoff f 



Ah me ! It was an idle whim. 

Life's coarse-grained crucible why skim 

Kind memory's gold refined off ! 
Sink from small-caps my sanguine pen 
I 've seen The Miller and hit Men ; 
But no old glory gilds again, 
The mill or cottage, wood, or glen- 
Still less their tenant Grindoff! 

Kclmar still pumps ! still rants LolAair 
Claudine her beautiful back-hair 
The ribbons still doth bind off. 



Still Carl has his familiar jest ; 
Siill />/// ,urff sinks with sleep opprest; 
Still JtU'r'i tHbl>ed blown up the rest 
Of the vile gang of Grindoff/ 

But Grindoff of dear FAIHIIUJU' page ! 
TliHirro ol my tiny tage, 

With face so grimly lined off! 
In vain, in vain, 1 looked for liim 
The belt with pistols garnished grim ; 
And copper I/ mdthenm, 

The yellow boots and hurkli- trim, 

Tht glorified my 




THl OHISDOrr or Tta** DtOBraUrm OATH. 

So with them all, degenerate set ! 
I charge ye, one and all, go get 

Costumes so ill-designed off! 
Was ne'er a bandit there that wore 
The jacket with its tabs of yore ; 
The belt with buckle luge before, 
The boots with ochre yellowed o'er, 

That fit the band of 



Alas, that e'er I dared the shock, 

Of Fancy's bark on Fact's hard rock- 

Took memory's eyes the blind off 
How shall I win ye back again, 
My "Twopence coloured, penny plain? " 
Who stabbed and shot, slew or were slain, 
Or him who ruled your ruffian train, 

My boyhood's awful Grindoff.' 



SIRE, 



HOHENZOLLERN'S PRAYER. 
(To Hit Majesty the KING OP PRUSSIA.) 



YOUR Majesty concludes his Royal reply to an address pre- 
sented to him by the municipality of Berlin on the occasion of his 
birthday, with the following most patriotic, virtuous, and religious 
aspiration : 

" May I succeed In keeping the storm which threatens Europe far from our 
country, in order that we may undisturbedly promote our internal develop; 
and devote all our powers thereto. May the Lord grant us His blessing and Ills 
assistance for this purpose." 

May your Majesty sincerely strive to do that which he breathes so 1 
fervent a hope to succeed in doing. May your Majesty accordingly 
forthwith abandon the aggression which he is attempting on the 
dominions of his neighbour the KING OF DENMARK, and relinquish 
his design of plundering that sovereign of Scbleswig and HoUtein. 
For if your Majesty perseveres in that scheme of spoliation the con- 



sequence will very probably be a European war, in which I shall 
be obliged to take part against your Majesty. I shall be very 
sorry to fight the father-in-law of my Princess; but international 
justice must be maintained. It will never do for me to let France 
alone go to the rescue of Denmark, tlirash your Majesty at another 
Auerstadt, annex the left bank of the Rhine and perhaps abolish the 
Prussian Monarchy. May your Majesty, therefore, succeed in pre- 
venting the invasion of his kingdom by devoting his whole energies to 
minding his own business ; and may the assistance your Majesty 
invokes be vouchsafed your Majesty to accomplish that laudable 
endeavour. 

I am, Sire, your Majesty's most Gracious bister-in-laws most 
obedient and faithful subject and servant, 



P.S. Your Majesty's professed intentions are excellent. May your 
Majesty never tread the pavement winch is formed of those materials. 
May it, then, please jour Majesty to desist from coveting and desiring 
his neighbour's piovincea, and not to break the peace. 



TOL. XL. 



148 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



13, 1861. 



\ 




Unflinching Conduct of Our A rtist (SSffi Middlesex) on the Field 
of Wimbledon. 



ANOTHER VIEW OF THE STRIKE. 

No person ever denied to Mr. Punch possession of perfect impar- 
tiality ; and if any one ever had been such a goose as to deny it, Mr. 
Punch would not have- cared. It is purely in the exercise of his own 
sovereign will and pleasure that he prints the following extract from a 
Dublin Pote, who has favoured him with a pamphlet on the subject of 
Strikes. The elegance and eloquence of the composition do honour to the 
author, MR. M'ANASPIE ; and though Mr. Punch may dissent from that 
bard's teaching, it is aatisfactory to know the strongest arguments that 
can be urged for quarrelling with one's bread and butter : 

" A tradesman's first duty is to protect his trade. 
From all encroachments lawless power has made ; 
For it ia he that raises cities, towns, and sqxiares, 
And almost every article that mankind wants find wears, 
Empires aud kingdoms grow up at his command : 
He fosters all that makes the noble mind expand ; 
For by his incessant toil and inventive mind 
We see thnso beauteous works by him designed. 
He is the bone and sinew that adorns the state, 
But has been badly treated by the self-called great. 
The toiling millions working day and night, 
Feed those detracting nabobs who usurped their right. 
As the tradesman pandered to them one and all, 
Which raised this jobbing crew to their own downfall, 
Should now combine against these sordid knaves, 
To get their rights, no longer now bo slaves ; 
For Union is power, tyranny cannot defeat, 
Self reliance and protection makes thorn and their country great." 

Anyhow, the logic is better than ME. POTTER'S, and the poetry is 
eminently calculated to scare the Detracting Nabobs against whom 
the Pote launches his fulminations. Bravo, M'AuASriE.! It's your- 
self that can hould the candle straight, sir. 



Moonstruck Bells and Men. 

THB Westminster bells have again been~striking all manner of hours. 
Big Ben is cracked we know, and should think that must also be the 
case with those other bells. They have struck with a wanton absurdity 
almost equal to that which has distinguished the strike of the working 
buuders. 

LYING IN STATE: A Queen's Speech. 



AWFUL CENSUS-WARNING. 

THE following terrible instance of a rapid Nemesis, in the case of a 
Census-return, speaks for itself, and only needs a wora of introduction. 
A family that lived (Punch suppresses the exact locality, as strict care 
should be taken that the returns are not used for the gratification of 
curiosity) in Brompton, in 1851, and that lives in that favoured 
locality still, handed on Monday morning last the following return 
to the elegant Enumerator who called for the Census paper : 



Name and Surname. 


Relation to 
Head of 
the Family. 


Condition. 


Sex. 


Age last 
Birth- 
day. 


Rank, 
Profession, or 
Occupation. 


John Bloggs . . . 


Head. 


Harried. 


Male. 


50 


Merchant. 


Maria Matilda Sa- 
rah Ann Bloggs . 


Wife. 


Married. 


Female. 


39 


Lady. 


Emmeline Sophia 
Bloggs . . . . 


Daughter. 


Single. 


Female. 


3 


Young Lady. 


Lucy Isabella Ca- 
therine Bloggs . 

Louisa Rebecca Be- 
atrice Bloggs . . 


Daughter. 
Daughter. 


Single. 
Single. 


Female. 
Female. 


22 
21 


Young Lady. 
Young Lady. 


Margaret Isabel 
Bertha Bloggs . 


Daughter. 


Single. 


Female. 


19 


Young Lady. 



I declare the foregoing to be a true return, Ac. 

JOHN BLOGO 
(Written, however, by MRS. BLOCO). 

By one of those accidents which will happen in the best regulated 
families, CAPTAIN RODERICK VICKALPINE, who is rather spooney upon 
Miss MARGARET'S (profuse tresses and pathetic glances, was, on the 
afternoon of that same Monday, left alone in the back drawing-room 
at Brompton, while the ladies were completing their toilettes of 
reception. When the gallant Captain was tired of looking at the four 
big prints and six little ones on the walls, and had read a Notice of 
\ r estry until he began to take an interest in parish affairs, and had 
teased the cat until she bolted out of the room, and bad wished that 
he dared light a cigarette, and had observed that the housemaid did 
not sweep well into the corners, and had perused all the letters in his 

Eocket twelve times, and had cut his nails very neatly, and at last 
egan to think that there was some mistake, the eye of the distin- 
guished officer lighted upon the only book in the room. This was a 
handsome copy of THE BOOK, and had been given to MR. BLOGGS on 
his marriage, by his friend MR. BRIGGS, a fact duly set out in gold 
letters on the cover. Not more unaccustomed to the sight of the 
volume than Captains in general are, the brave RODERICK respectfully 
lilted up, first, a small vase with artificial flowers, then a bead mat, 
then a backgammon board, all of which were pyramidically arranged 
on the large tome, and then he came to the volume itself, on which a 
margin of dust showed, in elegant contrast to the non-dusty part 
which had been covered by the backgammon board. He opened the 
book at the beginning, and beheld handwriting, and, as he considered 
himself to belong in some sort to the family (for he had two or three 
times pressed the fingers of the pathetic MARGARET at parting, anil 
observed, at other times, that the sooner a fellah was settled the better), 
he conceived that he had a right to read what was inscribed. He read, 
nn a piece of vellum inserted for such purpose, (that an entry in such a 
book might be regarded as almost.sworn to, as it were), the following 
statement in the hand of JOHN BLOGGS : 

Married, at St. Wombat's, Borough, on the 15th March, 1833, JOHN 

BLOGGS, aged 22, to MARIA MATILDA. MART ANN FIBBER, 

aged 20. May we be happy ! 
First Child. A daughter. Born 28th February, 1834. Baptised by 

the names of EMMELINE SOPHIA. 
Second Child. A daughter. Born 1st January, 1835. Baptised by 

the names of LUCY ISABELLA CATHERINE. 
Third Child. A daughter. Born 31st December, 1835. Baptised by 

the names of LOUISA REBECCA BEATRICE. 
Fourth. Child. A daughter. Born 5th November, 1836. Baptised by 

the names of MARGARET ISABEL BERTHA. 

On perusing this last statement, the gallant CAPTAIN took up his 
bat, and is now in Paris. He did not close the book before going, and 
the rouge upon the cheek of the pathetic MARGARET was lost in the 
scarlet hue which surrounded that aid to nature, when, entering with 
a pensive smile, she beheld no Captain, but the open record in the 
Family Bible. 

The moral need scarcely be pointed out, yet let it be added : Never 
leave marriageable Captains alone with Family Bibles. 



APRIL 13, 18G1.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



140 




A MEDIUM. 

Nursery-Maid (to horse, with great affection). " OH, YOU DARLING ! I AM BO JOND OF YOU ! ' 



MARBIAGE FOR THE MASSES. 

CAN a man marry on 200 a yearP is a question which some little time ago was much 
discussed. It would appear, from the subjoined newspaper paragraph, that marriage is 
possible under circumstances considerably narrower than those of a couple whose annual 
income amounts to 200 : 

" GRATUITOUS MAnnuora. Tho REV. J. W. LAUOHUN, incumbent of St. Peter's, Great Saffron Hill, lately 
announced that during Easter week marriages at that Church would be performed five of all charges, and 
yesterday about twenty couples attended the Church for the purpose of being married on these terms, and 
more, whoso banns have been published, will avail themselves of tno offer of the reverend gentleman within 
the next few days. Most of tho parties appeared to be of the poorer classes residing in the densely-populated 
and poverty-stricken neighbourhood of the ruins of the now street near Ilolborn llill, to whom tho usual 
marriage fees have been a great obstacle to their getting married."; 

Twenty couples in a church make a respectable congregation respectable that is in point 
of magnitude ; for of course Respectability in the social scale could never get married for 
nothing. They were doubtless all united at once, and the spectacle of one half of a congre- 



gation marrying the other half would have seemed 
very extraordinary to persons moving in Society, 
if Society had extended to Saffron Hill ana 
looked in at St. Peter's. St. Peter of Saffron 
Hill and St. George of Hanover Square may have 
found some amusement in comparing notes on 
the occasion. St. George probably in his own 
church never saw so many couples married at a 
time during the whole course of his beatitude. 
He must have been very mucli struck with tin- 
fact, that all those persons were joined'together 
in \\o\y matrimony by the REV. J. \V. LAUI.IIUN 
proprto llytueru so to speak, and off his own 
prayer-book. The Saint of Hanover Square hat 
been accustomed to see it take two clergymen, 
and often a bishop in addition to an eminent 
parson, to marry one single couple of the superior 
classes. 

There was a time when the sight of so many 
poor people contracting marriage in a crowd 
would have suggested to a member of Society 
the analogy of an equally wholesale hanging. 
The latter destiny he would perhaps have been 
inclined to foresee as the probable termination 
of the career of most of those whom he beheld 
devoting themselves to the former apparently 
with the prospect of having to choose between 
begging and stealing. Even now the idea of a 
multitude contracting such imprudent marriages 
as those in which future happiness is not se- 
cured by proper settlements, will be regarded 
in Tjburnia and Belgravia, and even in Blooms- 
bury and Russell Square generally with horror. 
Numerous marriages on so much less than 200 
a year as the probable means of the twenty 
couples above described as having been made 
husbands and wives, are calculated to appal 
overseers and other parochial authorities with 
a prospect of increased poors' rates, and politi- 
cal economists may shake their heads at unions 
which seem likely to result in the district Union. 
Society has reason to call such marriages im- 
provident, but without them how would Society 
be provided with servants, soldiers, and sailors ? 
Society rests on the shoulders of those who 
marry upon next to nothing, if not, as in the 
cases above cited, in forma pauperu ; and Bel- 
gravia and Tyburnia are sustained by the slums. 



KEEP YOUR FIVE SHILLINGS ! 

So the Greeks propose to offer the Crown 
of Greece (when OTHO has quite done with it) 
to a son of the QOEBX OF ENGLAND ! PHINCS 
ALTHED is the happy recipient of the com- 
pliment ; bat his next brother might be a better 
choice. Fancy KINO ARTHUR turning up again 
on the Hill of Man, and Grecian minstrels 
tuning up 

" To peal proud ARTHUR'S much from fairy-land." 

Upon calm consideration, however, LORD 
PKOTICTOB PUNCH begs to decline the crown in 
question, on the part of both his young friends, 
or, to put it more civilly, to fix the coronation 
for the Greek Kalends. Let the present King 
mind his own business better. The French 
neatly ask, What is the principal want of 
Greece? and reply, even more neatly, " Cofon, 
toie, fil, et latne." When stupid people don t 
understand this, it is explained to them in 
writing. " Qu'OUon toit Phil-Helle**." Let 
him do this, and Greece need not be looking 
about for a new dynasty. Anyhow, ilr. Punch 
again declines the Greek Crown, which at pre- 
sent does not appear to him to be worth quite 
the Five Bob which vulgar jesters disgustingly 
assert are to be found in the .English cart-wheeL 

NEWS POR EXKTBR-HALL. TH expelled 
Italian despots have all become Protestants. 
A fact dear LORD S. They are all protesting 
against the title of the KING OP ITALY. 



150 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 13, 1861. 




OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 

EAR PUNCH, I have often 
heard it stated that the 
Drama is declining, and that 
as a rule the British nation 
has ceased to take an in- 
terest in theatrical amuse- 
ments. The truth of this 
assertion is convincingly 
made manifest by the fact 
that every theatre in London 
is now open, and that at 
two of the first houses (the 
Adelphiand St. James's) the 
bills remained unchanged 
from Christmas until Easter, 
clearly showing that the 
public had supported what 
had pleased it. People 
greedy after novelty may 
like to be informed that the 
fare is altered now ; for that 
pleasant, piquant dish, En- 
dymion, is removed, and for 
a month the Colleen Sawn 
has migrated to Dublin. 
How it used to make me 
, shiver during the cold 
11 weather to see daily side by 
side with the first leader in 
the Times, the stereotyped account of how, the dauntless MB. Bouci- 
CATJLT was nightly taking his ' tremendous'.header ' in the lake : a feat 
that, when the temperature was somewhere'below zero, demanded, one 
would think, no ordinary coolness. No fewer than a hundred and 
sixty-seven times did the intrepid Miles-na-Coppaleen take his daring 
plunge, and come up nightly, covered with cold water and applause, 
and judging by the unabated rush there was to: see him, the chances 
are, 1 think, that when his Dublin trip is over, he will have to take in 
London as many headers more. 

"Meanwhile, his place is filled as is the. house by MR. WEBSTER, 
who does a skilful bit of conjuring by changing himself into a Wizard 
of the South, since it is from Paris that Magloire le Prestigiateur has 
recently arrived. Those who may remember MR. WEBSTER in Bel- 
phegor, need not be recommended to see him in Magloire, because, 
without such commendation, they.are pretty sure to do so. I cannot 
say the latter piece is equal to the.former, and it has the disadvantage 
of the want of utter novelty, although it clearly cannot be regarded as 
a copy. But, as French pieces go, it is very well worth seeing ; and 

tdoes not ^eave a nasty flavour in one's mind, as, in spite of MR. 
IGAN s admiraffie -. oot-i-M. the Isle of St. Tropez, I must acknowledge, 
does. Physicking and poisoning -re- j^t. things to my taste, however 
relished they may be by the palates of Parisian. I prefer the healthier 
condiment of comedy and .farce, for my appetite is not so jaded and 
used up as to require such stinging stimulants &i g gros sel and poisoned 
pepper. 

.Easter' would by some eyes scarce be looked u^ 
out the column in the papers headed 'EASTER - 
The critics who at such times have to be ubiquitous tijad comparatively 
quite an easy time of it this; year, for at three onlj-r o f the theatres 
were there new pieces to notice. I do not count tu, a t a t the Hay- 
market there was the Miller and his Men (which 1 hope next t, week to make 
myself a boy again by witnessing) ; because, you see, one. can't exactly 
call this a new piece, albeit I think plays which are full ht^jf a century 
old may be as welcome to the public as novelties much n ewer. It is 
remarkable that there was only one burlesque produced ( this Easter, 
and this, I scarce need say, was at the Bandbox Theatre. V'Jhis house, 
you are aware, is christened otherwise the Strand, and maj . more fitly 
be called 'little' than the theatre in the Haymarket. -^if-ddin, you 
will find, is quite up to the Strand mark, and the makeup O f n i s 
mother is alone well worth a visit. If MR. ROGERS be cort' ec t Jn his 
notions of costume, the ladies of our Court will find it hai'-d to keep 
from giggling when the Embassy from China present their wives and 
pigtails here. 

" As usual, the burlesque is brimful of bad puns, and of the )se queer 
twisted word-atringings which with some writers pass for jok es< Ah, 
me ! one sighs in vain now for the neat wit of a PLAMCHJ . ( and the 
really cultured taste and voice of a Miss HOBTON, which once were 
blended in burlesques with such excellent effect. Miss H-Q&TON, in 
her time, was the Queen of fairy songstresses, and in burlesqu, e reigned 
facile princeps, as witness the Invisible and half-a-dozen other ip r inces. 
Was it from thinking of her, I wonder, that I thought of MRS. REED, 
and went to see her once again in an Easter Entertainment F >, x es> 
there was the rich voice, mellowed and matured, but not yet robb> e( j by 
Time of its brilliancy or sweetness ; and there was the same cai- e [ u j 



as Easter with- 



and artistic personation, attention paid to byeplay, and skilful.touch and 
finish. Better comedy than the Will scene has seldom won my smiles ; 
and I scarce know which I enjoyed more, her bustling charity-huntress 
or lazy novel-reading servant. But I own I could have wished to hear 
her smg me one good solid song a bit of real'music, and not mere 
jingle-jangle. This she is the only ' Entertainer '{who can do; and not 
many concert-singers, I think, can do it better. 

" I may pay another visit to the gallery ere long, and say the word of 
praise that the two gentlemen deserve ; but with so gallant a man as 
you are, Mr, Pimch, the maxim place aux dames of course must be 
imperative. For the present, I may mention that MR. REED is show- 
ing himself more and more an actor, while both his music and his 
playing are the work of a musician. With regard to MR. PARRY, his 
genius is really breaking out in a new place. I know of no one on the 
stage who could have done his Major Popley better than he did, with 
such gentlemanly bearing and artistic working out. The character is 
slight, and the scene in other hands might have descended to broad 
farce ; but MR. PARRT kept it free from stagy old conventionalism, 
while infusing quite enough of humour to the part. As for his song of 
Paterfamilias and his Children at a Pantomime, of course every pater- 
familias will take his family to hear it. In this line, MR. PARRY 
stands, as he stood ever, unapproachably alone ; and, snobbish as it 
may be to pun upon a name 

" None but himself can be his Parry-lei." 

" The opera is not the drama, it is true ; but, as being the highest 
form of entertainment on the stage, I surely now and then may be 
allowed to notice it. So well mounted as Le Prophete is, it must have 
a good run ; and to judge by how the house was filled the other night, 
I think the public take advantage of the treat that is provided them. 
To say the band is as nearly perfect as can be, is but another way of 
saying that MR. COSTA is conductor; and though I still retain a 
memory of MARIO and GARCIA, I have little to find fault with in 
TAMBERLIK and CZILLAO. 

"ONE WBO PAYS." 



MODERN CIVILISATION. 

Am" The Vicar of Bray." 

His Holiness the POPE o* ROMH 

Has launched an Allocution 
At Reform abroad and Reform at home, 

Which he calls Revolution ; 
He heaps abuse, pronounces blame, 

And deals out condemnation 
Direct, without reserve, by name, 

On Modern Civilisation. 

For other times the Pontiff sighs, 

And groans for other ages, 
While he scolds, and screams, and shrieks, and cries, 

And roars, and raves, and rages, 
For the palmy days of Interdict, 

And Excommunication, 
All which have been to limbo lucked 

By Modern Civilisation. 

'Tis likely Rome will grow too hot 

To hold the Holy Father : 
He '11 have to seek some other spot 

To rule and govern, rather. 
Jerusalem some folks suggest ; 

And that 's a situation 
Where he would not be much distrest 

By Modern Civilisation. 

'Twere better' if to Jericho 

He went, with all his head men, 
Or his Cardinals and he might go 

Among the Indian Red Men ; 
The POPE and Conclave would amaze 

The native population ; 
Let them fly to the far Ojibbeways, 

From Modern Civilisation. 



Prince Murat's Pippin. 

I mpdestly proposing himself for King of Naples, PRINCE MURAT 
may think he has thrown the apple of discord amongst the Italian 
people. Let him not flatter himself. His apple is but a rotten apple 
at best. All things are not apples that call themselves so. The 
missile has fallen short. The ball may be at the thrower's foot, and 
he will most probably put his foot in it. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APRIL 13, 1861. 




PAPAL ALLOCUTION.-SNUFFING OUT MODERN CIVILISATION. 




" RETIRING." Voi-rxTEEB CAPTAIN (very sensibly). "Keep your drttsing, by your right, aa well as you ca 

._. , 




BULKY PEN N Y. A -to EB . " 0r that Jlill t-Oh, I Ocuay l-m IroMe you ,-Why can'ti 
mat do they care about the Public comfort ?such a broihntj hot day, 



' '' *"* 7 1 "" l< " 



RECOLLECTIONS OF EASTER MONDAY AT BRIGHTON. 



APBIL 13, 1801.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



155 




" He must go, too, with Out other Boys. Jihsa his Old Heart/" 



POT AND KETTLE. 

Being tt Sheffield lesson as to the way a Constituency thould treat ill 
Member, and a Member should treat his Constituent!. 



DRAMATIS rausosj*. 
MR. BOEBUOK. A HOB. 

Enter to the Mob, MR. ROEBUCK. 

Mob. Yah! Bah! Whoo! Off! Austrian! Humbug! Tyrant. 
Yah! Bah! Whoo! Off! 

Mr. Roebuck. Hold that blackguard noise ! 

Mob. Bah! Yah! Whoo! Off! Shame! 

Mr. R. You are a set of illogical jackasses, and I shall stand here 
until you have done that howling. 

Mob. Bah ! Yah ! Whoo ! Pot Square ! 

Mr. R. Shan't go to Pot Square. 

Mob. Then you '11 go to pot ! 

Mr. R. Who cares for you, d' ye think P 

Mob. Who sat in gilded saloons P 

Mr. R. No dirty wretches like you. 

Mob. Who sold himself to Austria P 

Mr. R. Not you, for nobody would buy you. 

Molt. Who 's a rat, a rat, a rat, a rat P Bah ! 

Mr. R. I'm not a rat, you fools, I'm a terrier dog, and my name's 
Tear 'em. 

Mob. Who won't tear anybody now, because he 's had a sopP 

Mr. R. You tell a great lie, and I '11 prove it to you. 

Mob. Yah! Bah! Whoo! 

Mr. R. What "s the good of bellowing like beasts no, I do the 
beasts wrong ; they never bellow without cause. Listen to me, and 
comprehend if you can. 

Mob. Pot Square. ,. 

Mr. R. Shan't go to' Pot Square. 

Mob. Yah! Bah! Whoo! 

Mr. R. Now, I tell you what it is. I am determined to be heard, 
and I shall stand here until you have bawled yourselves hoarse, and 
then I shall hammer some sense into your block-heads. I went to 
Austria 

Mob. Yah!! Bah! Whoo! 

Mr. R. Bah-whoo, indeed. Every one[of you is a Ya-hoo. 

Mob. And you 're a Lilliputian. 

Mr. R. That 's a better retort than I expected from such everlasting 
asses. Grin yourselves into good humour, and hear me. I went to 
Austria, and I certainly did go into a gilded saloon. 

Mob. And some of the gilding got into your pocket. 

Mr. R. You must be utter idiots. I am a poor man, and I hope 
always to be a poor man, and certainly I came back no richer from 
"Vienna. 

Mob. More fool you. 



Mr. R. That's your low, vulgar, coarse, mean, cowardly, crawling 
way of looking at things. As for what 1 said in the House of 
Commons in favour of Austria, 1 stand b>- it ; but only such pigs as 
you could misunderstand it. or think that I advocated tyranny. I'm 
ashamed of representing such benighted rhinoceroses, 
(iive up your seat! 

Mr. li. 1 'Jl bee you somewhere first, and then I won't. 

.I/'-//. Yah! Bah! Whoo! 

Mr. R. That 's right. Go it, my boys. Show how Ct you are for 
the suffrage, and how liberal you are in listening to the views of others. 
Any man who thinks 1 am wrong on this question, is a numskull, 
whom it were gross tlattery to call a booby. 

Mob. GAKIBAUI for ever ! 

Mr. R. bo 1 say, you muffs, for he is a brave and great man, and 
equal to WASHIKOTOM. 

Mub. Who's WAsnufGTOB P 

Mr. R. Yes, you know a deal about WASHINGTON, and washing-tub, 
too, to look at you, 1 don't think. But justice is justice, and law is 
law, as I dare say a good many of you have had disagreeable reason 
to know. 

Mob. We shouldn't have you for counsel. 

Mr. R. I wouldn't be hired by you. 1 '11 serve you for nothing, but 
I'd spit at your money. Nos do you understand, because I'm not 
"ing to stand blowing you up all night P My dinner's ready at the 

tel, and I 'm not going to keep ladies waiting for all the bellowing 
bulls of Bashan that ever bawled. Do you comprehend that I am just 
the same that I always was, and that in finding fault with me you 
have only displayed your miserable ignorance P 

Mot. Yahf Bah! Whoo! 

Mr.R. Anyhow, if you don't it's your own fault. If you don't 
listen, and believe that I know better about politics than you, what 
the deuce do you mean by electing me? Answer me that. It's down- 
right impertinence to call a man your member, and then bring him all 
this way to reply to ridiculous questions and more ridiculous howls. 
I've a precious good mind to fling you all over. 

Mub. Give up your seat ! 

Mr. R. Shan't, for your telling. 

Mob. What 's your name P 

Mr. R. Tear 'em, 1 tell you, you fools. What is my name P Tear 
'em and tame; ask me again, and I'll tell you the same. There's 
some rhyme for you, as you can't understand reason. 

Mot>.\*k\ Bah! Whoo! 

[The arguments icere not concluded when our reporter cam* owajf. 



MUSICAL MARAUDERS. 

" WHISTLE, and I'll come to! you, my. lad!" appears to' be the 
maxim with some of the police ; for at Bow Street the other morning a 
gentleman was charged with the offence of having whistled in toe 
public streets, and was fined twenty shillings for disturbance of the 
peace. In passing sentence the worthy Magistrate remarked : 

" It could not be.tolerated that the inhabitant* of a quiet neighbourhood should 
be disturbed late at night by penona who had a peculiar gift or making a particu- 
larly diaagreeable uoue." 

We.hope .this legal maximUwilT.be. actedion nexiiChristmas' time, 
and in full .force carried out against. those nuisances the Waits, who 
yearly " make night hideous " with their bellowings and blarings, just 
as would-be-quiet people are falling into their first sleep. Aa persons 
who are gifted with a most " peculiar gift of making a particularly 
disagreeable noise," they clearly can no longer be "tolerated" among 
us, if Ma. HBNKY'S dictum be impartially enforced. Spouting clubs 
are fond of arguing that there is one law 1'or the rich and another for 
the poor ; and this would seem to be the case if gentlemen are fined 
for making ugly noises, while pot-house-haunting flute-blowers may 
squeal their worst, scot-free. If there be equity in law, a penalty or 
prison must await the Waits ; and the sentence lately passed at the 
police-office in Bow-street must be visited on all those musical 
marauders who infest the town in bauds at the dead hours -f the 
night, and rob us of our comfort if they cannot of our cash. 



Don't Believe it was Ever Said. 

THBATKICAL anecdotes are generally very stupid so are most other 
anecdotes and one hates to see a Party getting into his anecdotage. 
What is the good, for instance, of telling this story. An actress who 
is a very great favourite with the gallery, was being complimented i 
the green-room upon the blackness of her hair. " VV by, it s 
she replied, with the amiable frankness of the true artist, 
repeated the other speaker. " why, favourite as you are, yon arc ^t 
yet five-and-twenty." " No," said the lady, " but you know 

" Whom the Gods IOTB, dye young." 



156 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 13, 1861. 




Duffles, of Our Company, finds Hie, Haversack males all the difference in 
getting into a Cab. 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD-RATHER ? 

WE have heard that by certain ultra-fashionable people to write a 
good hand is thought a vulgar accomplishment, only fit for lawyers' 
clerks and aw that sort of persons. Perhaps, if this be so, it may 
be thought no less outre to write intelligible English ; and bad grammar 
may be viewed as a sure sign of good breeding. Upon no other 
assumption can we account for the bad writing in the following adver- 
tisement, which was placed on Easter Tuesday before the elegant 
subscribers to the Morning Post: 

IP a Nice Lady, of High Family, having a House too large for herself, 
and wishing for tho occasional society of another, would LET a Pretty SITTING- 
ROOM and ONE BED-BOOM (or Two), to a Young Lady. A sunny aspect desired, 
and the room, if not large, must be lofty. Must bo iu the beat neighbourhood, 
either of Grosvenor or Belgrave Squares, or Kensington. The rooms need only be 
half furnished. Best references given and required. Address (strictly in accord- 
ance with the above) " Arno," Post Office, Chapol Street, Belgravo Square (to bo 
called for). 

To scholars who are studying the art of composition, the first sentence 
in this extract is a valuable specimen of the figure which by schoolmen 
is termed aposiope&it. Aposiopesis is a terribly hard word, but ladies 
who have husbands, brothers, lovers, or other masculine attendants, 
may without much difficulty find out what it means. To those who 
are not blessed with any male companionship, we may say that what is 
known as aposiopesis is something like a skein of silk or worsted, 
where you cannot find an end, and sentences so formed are quite as 
troubling to unravel. 

But passing by the fact that this first sentence, like the Nelson 
column, stands unfinished, there are many other puzzles which perplex 
us in the text, and which, we think, the writer ought clearly to explain, 
before she can expect a fair reply to her advertisement. In the first 
place, she should mention what she means by "nice," for this is an 
extremely doubtful sort of epithet, and may be misconstrued and 
received in a wrong sense. A lady with inked fingers, shaved fore- 
head, and male voice might by some people perhaps be deemed a 
"nice" acquaintance ; and the need of explanation is the more acutely 
felt, since the converse of the adjective is so completely inadmissible, 
for it is obvious that no lady could be spoken of as nasty. Then, 
again, Miss Advertiser, pray what is your meaning when you speak 
of a " high family ? " flow high do you wish the family to be P And 
do you use the term' in reference to the stature of the family, or in 
allusion to its altitude in what is called the " Social Scale ? " l3o you 
require that its male members should stand six feet in their stockings f 
or will it content you to know they are looked up to in a moral point 
of view? 

But, supposing that the question as to altitude be settled, there next 
presents itself the even more perplexing interrogative How on earth 
can a nice lady, having a house too large for herself, wish "for the 
occasional society of another f " We have heard that walls have ears, 
and in this spirit-rapping age they may possibly have tongues. Still 
we can't think bricks and mortar can be pleasant things to talk to, and 



we doubt if any medium could extract much infprmation from them- 
And as for any lady having any wish for the society of a house while 
there are so many " bricks " of fellows she can talk to, the thought is 
as ridiculous as the style of this advertisement : which must have been 
inserted merely as a joke, and with the view, no doubt, to gain 
admission to our columns. 



A NEW MISERERE 
(For this year's Easter service at the POPE'S Chapel), 

THE tottering state of Peter's chair, 
Its shaky legs, its cushions bare, 
All stuffed with thorns for soft horsehair, 
Miserere ! 

And the old man that filleth it, 
Upon French bayonets forced to sit, 
(Galling predicament, admit), 
Miserere! 

The triple crown, now crushed and flat, 
As e'er the shockingest bad hat, 
Since Piedmont on it rudely sat, 
Miserere ! 

The great Cross-Keys that sign which showed 
The oldest house upon the road, 
Now desolation's drear abode, 
Miserere ! 

St. Peter's bark, before the blast, 
Upon a lee-shore driving fast, 
With leaky sides, and splintered mast, 
Miserere ! 

The Captain of that storm-beat craft, 
Helplessly running fore and aft, 
No chart no compass life-buoy, raft 
Miserere ! 

St. Peter's Patrimony fair, 
Where once the Church had pickings rare, 
Now reft from apostolic care, 
Miserere ! 

St. Peter's sheep whose fat increase, 
Was ours, both mutton, wool, and grease ', 
Turned out for heretics to fleece, 
Miserere ! 

Their shepherd, to the wolves a prey, 
(Some in sheep's clothing, sad to say, 
And others who their fangs display) 
Miserere ! 

The cardinals, in fear intense, 
Mustered for their red hats' defence, ' 
Cut down from Peter's Pounds and Pence, 
Miserere ! 

The friars, black, blue, brown, and grey, 
Who slept pure cloister-lives away, 
Now rudely driven to work, not pray, 
Miserere ! 

Poor bats, broad daylight made to bear, 
Poor moles, dug out to upper air, 
Poor owls, from ruins forced to fare, 
Miserere ! 

Our ancient wind-bags, pricked by doubt 
Our reverend shams, turned inside out 
Our pious frauds, sin's impious flout 
Miserere ! 

Austrian hopes now down at zero 
Grand-Dukes beloved by every Nero 
KING BOMBALINO youthful hero 
Miserere ! 

And lastly BOWYER (noble chief) 
Who dares to hold the Papal brief, 
'Gainst JOHN BULL (cursed be his^beef ), 
Miserere ! 



A Question for the Homceopathists. 

LIKE curelh like, say HAHNEMANN'S disciples. Well, granted this 
ie so, who will tell us, whether an attack of the jaundice may not be 
ured by a small mouthful of pale de foie ffras, which everybody knows 
is made of diseased liver f 



Amu, 13, 1801.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



157 




Mamma. "DEAR! DEAR! DEAR ! WUAT A PITY IT is TOU CAN'T AGRBE!" 
Small Soy. "WELL, MAMMA, WE SHOULD AGHEB, ONLY SHE'S so UNKIND! SHE 

WON'T BE A PlO, AND LET ME DRIVE HER ABOUT BY THE LEQ ! " 



LOSS AND GAIN.' 

OUR bodies, worn with constant toil, 

Repair of substance lost require ; 
Tin y are as lamps, and food's like oil, 

Demanded to maintain Life's fire. 
Not only does this mortal frame 

To friction yield from day to day. 
But ah ! our garments do the same ; 

The clothes we purchase wear away ! 

With victuals we supply the waste 

Our systems daily undergo. 
We eat and drink ; the sense of taste 

Requites the cost of doing so. 
Alas ! from dress no pleasure flows 

Compared to what the palate feels ; 
And whilst expense attends new clothes, 

We don't enjoy them like our meals. 

PORCBLLUS 
Epicvntt' Sty, April, 1861. 



Essaying and Reviewing. 

THE most successful combination 'of Essays and Re- 
views was produced on Easter Monday at Wimbledon and 
Brighton. The Essays of the Volunteers were thoroughly 
Reviewed, and the spirit they evinced was pronounced by 
the best judges as quite orthodox and proper. The volun- 
tary system was put fairly to the test, and from the credit 
that was given it, there was no dissenting. On the whole, 
it was pronounced that these Essays and Reviews were 
the best that have as yet been issued from the press the 
press, that is to say, of the public who attended them. 



CURIOUS AND CHARACTERISTIC. 

THE (last words ever written by LORD MACAULAY, as 
may be verified by reference to the Fifth Volume of his 
Htttory of England, are : " canvassed actively on the Whig 
sidel" 

MOTTO FOR THE LAW AMEKDMRST SOCHTT. Polnmi 
legtt Axfflite muiari. 



THE POPE AT BAY. 

THE POPE has drawn what he may call the Sword of Peter, and 
thrown away the scabbard. His Holiness stands at bay with his back 
to the Infallible Church and his face to the foe, which is Contempo- 
rary or Modern Civilisation. With this enemy he openly declares war, 
and proclaims his easts belli in uncompromising and unmistakeable 
terms. " It " modern civilisation " favours non-Catholic religions." 
It "opens access to public offices, even to infidels." It "throws 
Catholic schools open to their children." And further, as his Allo- 
cution stands translated in the Tablet, thus saith the POPE : 



la the least the bounds of moderation, 



works, while if these appear to transgre 
punishes them with the last severity." 




" What a whopper ! " as the schoolboys say will be the exclama- 
tion of many on reading the above statement, not considering how 
completely it is justified by notorious facts. Everybody knows how 
LORD PALMEHSTON'S Government,, inspired by modern civilisation, 
has prosecuted DR. M'HALE and DR. CULLEN for publishing excellent 
WOIKS which did in the least possible degree transgress the bounds of 
moderation, and that those two ornaments of the Irish Roman Catholic 
episcopacy have been heavily fined, and are now undergoing a sentence 
of imprisonment. Equally notorious is the fact that the BISHOP OP 
ORLEANS and bis brother of POITIERS are in chains ; their offence 
having simply consisted in rather too free a protest against the 
foreign policy of the Imperial Government; whilst M. VEUILLOT, 
late Editor of the Univers, is dying at Cayenne, whither he was 
deported for the use of somewhat incautious language in defending 
the papacy. 

The courage evinced by his Holiness in candidly complaining that 
modern civilisation favours non-Catholic religions, and opens access of 
public offices even to infidels, is really respectable. He boldly 
denounces modern civilisation as being opposed to bigotry and intole- 



rance, and as asserting civil and religions liberty. This is open and 
above-board anyhow. Bat why does Heaven's Vicar object to modern 
civilisation for throwing Catholic schools open to the children of 
infidels P If the infidels choose to send their children to Catholic 
schools, one would think that the Pori should be very glad of the 
opportunity thus offered to Catholic teachers of making converts. 
Infidel schoolmasters probably would not object to receive as many 
children of Catholic parents as those parents might choose to confide 
to them for instruction. If the Holy Father only flourished his 
weapon as skilfully as be does manfully, be would do tremendous 
execution upon his adversary ; but he bits right and left with blind 
vehemence, and not only misses his blows, but loses his balance, and 
throws himself head over heels. Popery cutting away at modern 
civilisation would furnish a fine subject for an allegorical picture to be 
executed for the adornment of a vacant space on the walls of the 
interior of the Vatican, by a suitable artist, whom Pius could afford 
to remunerate handsomely out of the Peter's pence, which are tossed 
into the triple hat now going round. Or the POPE might be depicted 
by the same ait ist cursing modern civilisation and blessing medieval 
civilisation ; modern civilisation opening public offices to persons of 
all religious opinions ; mediteval civilisation burning heretics alive. 



A Foolish Remark. 

" THE fight was a Do, and all Brighton 's in frowns," 
Said LORD JTBE to his friend CAPTAIN GRINHUM. 
" When the battle commenced, folks were all on the Downs : 
" And when it was over, all in "em." 



A FAIR REMARK. 



A MIDDLE-AGED young lady is so angry with the Government for 
asking her how old she is, that she declares she thinks the Census 
would have been more rightly known as the Incense-us. 



158 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 13, 18G1. 




The Six-footers, Brighton. 



THE PRICE OF A PARTRIDGE. 

WE doubt whether the nation is sufficiently" aware what its' precious Game-Laws cost it' 
Perhaps it may be helped in making; a rough guess by basing calculation on the following 
account, which we copy from the Times of Wednesday in last week: 

"THE POACHKR AND THE PARTRIDGE. A singular case, taken under a new Act of Parliament, was heard 
before the South Shropshire magistrates, at Bridgenorth, on Saturday. FREDERICK PERRY, a notorious 
poacher and a returned convict (who is at present undergoing a sentence of six months' imprisonment in 
Shrewsbury gaol for a murderous assault on a gamekeeper at Kinlet Hall), was summoned for having on the 
15th of January, at Claverly, killed a partridge, without naving taken out a licence. The name of the defend- 
ant having been called three times at the court-house door, and he not answering, MR. BATTE, who appeared 
to prosecute on behalf of the Commissioners of Inland Revenue, said the case was taken under an Act passed 
during the last Session of Parliament, and he believed was the first of the kiud that had come under its 
operation. The Act in question empowered the Excise to prosecute any person who used a gun or any 
other instrument for the pur|tose of taking game without tr.kiug out a licence, and the magistrates could 
inflict a penalty of 20, but it could be mitigated one-fourth. The present defendant had long been a 
scourge to the neighbourhood, and he (MR. BATTE) thought the magistrates should inflict the full 
penalty. There was no term of imprisonment mentioned, so that if the defendant could not pay the 
penalty, he would remain in prison during the pleasure of the Excise Commissioners. The case having 
been proved, MR. WESTCOTT, supervisor of the Excise, deposed to delivering a copy of the information to 
the Governor of Shrewsbury Gaol, and to afterwards serving the prisoner personally with a copy of the sum- 
mons. The presiding magistrate inflicted the full penalty of 20 on the defendant, and said the Excise 
might keep him in gaol as long as they liked." 

Partridges, we know, were extremely dear last season, but we had no idea they would 
become such costly birds as the case here cited proves them. Twenty pounds is a large 
sum for the friends of a poor man to contrive to scrape together; and, as he may be kept in 
prison until the fine be paid, there is no saying for how long a time he may be maintained out 
of the pockets of his country. Even on gaol fare a man can hardly live for less than 
Forty pounds a-year ; and as the Excise Commissioners may keep a man in gaol as long 
as ever they like, the pounds for keeping him may be increased to a good many times 
forty. In fact from this case it would seem that the value of a partridge may be put at such 
a sum as would purchase an annuity of Forty pounds per annum, determinable by death, or 
by the payment of the penalty, or by the " pleasure " of the Excise to let the prisoner be 
released. 

Well, the moral of this is, as we are very fond of shooting, that we 'should try to kill next 
season all the partridges we can ; for every bird we leave alive may make a man for life a 
gaol-bird. 




/; /Jin Band. 



A Question for Dr. Taylor. 

WHY is a man who has made his Will like a subtle poisoner? 
Because he's a Test-hater (pronounced, cockney-wise, Testator.) 

A FIBND IN HUMAN FORM suggests that, in these dajs of patent candles and much writing, 
it would be well if some authors, instead of consuming the midnight oil, were to burn the 
midnight composition. 



ADVERTISED ABSURDITIES. 

OP all the curiosities of advertising literature, 
there are few more singular than those which 
may be met with in the Era. When we say 
that they are singular, we do not mean to use 
the word in the sense which it assumes as the 
antithesis to plural ; for these curiosities abound 
in every number of the paper, and, if we wished 
to give a sample, the embarrassment of riches 
would puzzle us to know on which of them to 
pounce. Mere, for instance, are a couple that 
(with other names affixed to them) the other day 
amused us, and it is really hard to say which of 
the two is the more curious : 

THEATRE ROYAL, BEERTOWN. 

WANTED, immediately, a SCENE PAINTER 

* (one who can act preferred) ; a Property Man, aud 
to assist in bill delivering. Both must bo sober. 

Address, , stating lowest terms. 

ROYAL ALHAMBRA, BLANKTOWN. 
WANTED, A VIOLONCELLO PLAYER, 

to play a brass instrument, Bombardon preferred ; 
or a good Trombone, to play in string aud brass. Address 
as above, to Ma. GRANDCRASH, Leader. 

The reflection which the former of these 
singular advertisements appears to throw upon 
the character of Property-Men and Scene- 
Painters we trust is not borne out by their ordi- 
nary habits. To require a sober character is a 
temperate request, but we really should have 
fancied that cela va sans dire, as we scarcely 
can imagine that any person living could desire 
to have a drunken one. 

But still more are we perplexed by the purport 
of the second of these curious advertisements. 
To ask for a good violoncello player " to play 
a brass instrument," appears to us, we own, the 
very acme of absurdity ; and we should as soon 
have thought of hearing that a clergyman was 
wanted to sing a comic song, or a one-legged 
Chelsea pensioner to dance a hornpipe or caehuca. 
The notion, too, that the performer is required 
to be a "good" one on the violoncello, when he 
is wanted for the bombardon or some other brass 
instrument, really seems to our mind a refinement 
of the folly. However perfect knowledge he 
might have of the one instrument, it would 
avail but little towards^acquaintance with the 
other. One might play a merveille on the bones 
or on the bagpipes, without having any know- 
ledge of the trombone or the organ ; and to 
require that a musician whom one wanted for 
the bombardon should be able to play well on 
the violoncello, appears to our mind as prepos- 
terous as to elect a Member of Parliament for 
having thrown a double summersault, or to 
choose for the position of musketry instructor 
an artist who was well up in the drawing of a 
cork. 

A " CANARD." 
(From the Boulogne Gazette.) 

" OUR pretty little town of Boulogne has been 
invaded by crowds of English visitors. The 
steamers on Saturday and Sunday last brought 
each their hundreds of passengers, and the hotels 
and boarding-houses were crammed to inconve- 
nience. Dining-tables and sofas let at ten francs 
a night, and chairs were readily occupied at two 
francs each, the tenancy extending from 11 at 
night until 7 in the morning. This friendly in- 
vasion would have been less remarkable (as 
Boulogne is the most delightful holiday place on 
the face of the globe) had the visitors not been 
exclusively ladies whom even fl&ttery could not 
call very young. 

' We stop the Press to explain the mystery. 
The Census was taken in England on Monday, 
the 8th of April, and Ten Thousand British 
females were mean enough to evade it." 

[Not true. Ed. of P.] 



APRIL 20, 1861.] 



OR TTIK LO\BO\ f TT ARTYATCT. 



159 




"MAMMA! ISN'T MR. BLAXQUE A WVCKED MAX .'" 
Mamma. " WICKED, MY DEAR! No! WHAT MAKES YOU ASK srcn A QUESTION ? " 
.trili m: ''AVnv. iirr.u-sK, MAMMA, nr.Mt, WHEN HE COMES INTO Cnuncii, HE 
DOESX'T SMELL HIS HAT AS OTHF.K PEOPLK DO ! " 



PERSONAL POEMS, 
i. 

On ilift-iff up n Guy in thf Garden to frighltit atray 
the Birdi. 

I NEVER gave a coat away, 
Or sold one with a view to thrift, 

I wear my things so long, they say. 
That none will have them at a gift. 

And should T, for a market, go 
And take my wardrobe to the Jews, 

All Israel would decline the clo' 
Which e'en poor clergymen refuse. 

2^ 

On Eating my Dinnfr. 

Happy the man with food content, 
That is, who needs no condiment 
Hut simple sauces, such as are 
Salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar. 

No indigest'on doth molest 
Him daily, or disturb his rest ; 
He leads a life exempt from bile, 
And at the pangs of goat may smile. 

Him puli's and advertising bills 
Of HOLLOWAT'S and other Pills 
Concern nut ; he no physic lacks 
And never can be duped by quacks. 

Give me my chop or steak with beer 
And 'taters, whilst I linger here, 
And I shall never sigh or care 
For turtle soup, and all that 'ere. 



The Frailty of Proverbg. 

We are told that, "Where there's a Will, there's a 
Way;" but yon only just try to throw a Will into Chan- 
cery, and if ever you find your Way out of it, we will 
pronounce you to be one of the cleverest fellows alive, 
such as BAKSUM would give any amount of money for, it 
only for the purpose of exhibiting you. Just try it ! 



MAWWORMS IN A MILK-WALK. 

THE Russians use lemon in their tea instead of milk, and we think 
the ( i'asgow people had best learn to do the same, if they would take 
that drink on Sunday without making wry faces at it. Anyhow, if 
what we lately heard be acted on, the luxury of milk will soon no 
longer be allowed them, unless they drink it stale and sour, in which 
case we think lemon would certainly be preferable. At a meeting of 
the dairymen, convened the other day in the Nelson Street Conventicle, 
the following motion was proposed and unanimously passed : 

11 That feeling convinced that it is the right and duty of all classes of the Com- 
munity to observe as far as possible, the Sabbath rest, and to participate in its 
bleiwings ami advantages, knowing besides that the present indiscriminate retail 
trallic in Milk on the Sabbath day, prevents themselves and their servants from 
en;i'vintr the aforesaid privileges, and leads to many more evils than the entire 
i i >f the traffic, this meeting of the Fairymen of Glasgow resolve to petition 
the Magistrates and Town Council of the City of Gla-gow to insert in the New 
Police Bill a Clause prohibiting the sale u! milk i>n the Ni 



This is all very right and proper, we feel sure, so far as the 'well- 
1 the cowholders is concerned. If they think that the bare act 
of selling milk upon the Sabbath will in anyway imperil their spiritual 
welfare, of course one cannot blame them for retirins; from the trade. 
Still, one cannot help inquiring How about the cows? and asking if 
they '11 suffer much from not having been milked. 

To make their step complete, we really think these pious dairymen 
should not. only shut up shop and stop their sale upon the Sabbnth, 
hut should take measures to arrest the manufacture of the article, 
which, in the present course of Nature, proceeds as well on Sundajs 
as on any other day. A meeting of the cows should be immediately 
convened, and an endeavour should be made to acquaint them with 
what passed at the meeting of the donkeys to which we have referred. 
Some calf of a cowkeeper may there perhaps explain that, with the 
view to carry out the object of that meetinsr, the cows will not be fed 
after milking time on Saturday, so that their lacteal manufacture may 
be stopped. How the cows msy like this, we will not pretend to 



say, nor how the Sabbath starving will be relished by the thousands 
of small children in Glasgow, to whom milk may be considered a 
necessity of life. Perhaps if the Society for Cruelty Prevention thinks 
the cows will suffer, it will interfere ana take them from their keepers' 
care on Sundays, and take upon itself the sins of feeding them and 
milking them and distributing their milk. 

It is of little use, we fear, to preach common sense to bigots, or to 
reason with mere fools ; but we think it will be obvious to ordinary 
minds, that so long as cows and children have an appetite on Sundays, 
so long it will be natural and right that they should eat ; and that 
while cowkeepers do but assist the laws of Nature, they need not fear 
they are infringing the laws of Nature's God. 



PANSLA.VISM IN THE SOUTHERN STATES. 

THE Paris correspondent of a contemporary communicates the fol- 
lowing piece of American intelligence : 

" By the way, a strange report Is In circulation. It is raid that some Roman 
Catholics of the" South have proposed to offer the Southern SUtee to FIUXCM TB 
SECOND of Naples, with monarchical institutions." 

This report is -probably what French slang calls a duck, and English 
slang a sell and a shave. Charity would like to believe it, because, if 
it were true, it would say something for the Christianity of t he Southern 
States. Hitherto the Slaveowners have given no reply to the questions, 
, Are you doing as you would be done by in keeping niggers like cattle, 
and governing them with the cowhide? How would you like to be 
slaves yourselves ? The Southerners would satisfactorily answer these 
inquiries by choosing BOMBALINO for their sovereign. 



A DAINTY DOG. 

IN ShttF.eld there is a King Charles Spaniel that won't eat plum- 
pudding, unless there 's brandy-sauce to it ! 



VOL. XL. 



100 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 20, 1861. 




VOLUNTEER 
Mr. " 

RECRUIT. ' 
fine erisning* T 



CAPTAIN. "Haven't seen you at Drill for the last month or two, 
Alt, well, M'Lord, I really think I must give you a turn one o' Oiese 






EULE SLAVEOWNIA. 

THE NATIONAL HYMN OP THE CONFEDERATED STATES. 

(Music Copyright in America.) 

WHEN first the South, to fury fanned, 

Arose and broke the Union's chain, 
This was the Charter, the Charter of the land, 

And MR. DAVIS sang the strain : 
Rule Slaveownia, Slaveownia rules, and raves 
" Christians ever, ever, ever have had slaves." 

The Northerns, not so blesb as thee, 

At ABY LINCOLN'S foot may fall, 
While thou shalt flourish, shalt flourish fierce aad free 

Tlie whip, that makes the Nigger bawl. 
Rule Slaveownia, Slaveownia rules, and raves 
" Christians ever, ever, ever should have slaves." 

Thon, dully savage, shalt despise 

Each freeman's argument, or joke : 
Each law that Congress, that Congress thought so wise, 

Serves but to light thy pipes for smoke. 
'Rule Slaveownia, Slaveownia rules, and raves 
" Christians ever, ever, ever must have skives." 

And Trade, that knows no God but gold, 

Shall to thy pirate ports repair: 
Blest land, where flesh where human flesh is sold, 

And manly arms may flog that air. 
Rule Slaveownia, Slaveownia rules, and raves 
" Christians ever, ever, ever shall have slaves." 



A Coloured Vocalist. 

A FIRST Appearance was successfully made the other 
day at the second concert of the Vocal Association by a 
new tenor; one SIGNOR GAMBOGI. GAMBOGI is a name 
very likely to find great favour with the British Public. 
It is just that for JOHN BULL'S money ; and we trust 
that SIGNOR GAMBOGI will obtain the satisfaction of ex- 
changing his notes for numerous yellowboys. Lucy Neal 
was a " yallar gal," and her song might be sung in cha- 
racter, as her lover, with great applause, among CHRISTY'S 
minstrels, by SIGXOR GAMBOGI. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

APRIL 8. Monday. Easter Holidays over, and the next thing to look 
forward to is the Derby, in the betting on which a horse called 
Dundee, the property of the honourable ,boy for the Falkirk district, 
d top this day. However, we must do some work before we have 
another Out, my boys, or we shan't have much to show when we go 
home for the shooting. We must really buckle to. Duly three clear 
months between us and August, think of that, and be cheerful the 
time will soon be gone. 

MR. DONCOMBB wanted SIR G. C. LEWIS to give him the name and 
number of the policeman who got hold of the bank-note which was 
being engraved for KOSSUTH, and THOMAS implied that the officer in 
question ought to be discharged. SIB GEORGE had no intention of 
giving up either the name or the man. 

SIR RICHARD BETHELL has of course read the writings of his 
eminent predecessor LORD BACON (whose character MR HIPWORTH 
JJixoN has chivalrously sought to clear from the sentence that pronounced 
that bacon streaky") and equally of course remembers his lordship's 
term, Ihe V mtage. SIR RICUARD came to his Vintage to-night. His 
toils were rewarded by his Bankruptcy Bill being read a Third Time 
and passed. MR. VAKCE was the only speaker, and he declared that 
would give general satisfaction to the mercantile community 
which, considering the ethics of that community, is the severest thing 
that has been said against the measure. Spero meliora. says Mr Punch 
with classical elegance. 

Then came on a longish debate in Committee on the Post Office 
Saving! Bank Bill, which seems likely to be very useful. As for the 
ordinary Savings' Bank, it seems constructed to keep people from 
using it. Mr. Punch looked in at one the other day. It was open 
only twice a week, and then for a short time, and there was a not 
particularly civil beadle, or some such animal, and there was a crowd 
of depositors or people who wanted to withdraw deposits, and they had 
to wait a great while for their turns, and looked disagreeably at 'each 
other, and pushed,' and the place was hot and uncomfortable, and | 



altogether Mr. Punch thought that only regular, determined, and patient 
people were likely to make an habitual practice of attending with their 
savings. Now, if a person can glide at any time, any day, into a 
Money Order Office, and without fuss, delay, or official bullying, can 
quietly drop the little bit of money as it were into a slit of the money- 
box, the habit of saving will be fostered, and many thousands will be 
able to buy their Punch, instead of only reading him at the window. 
The Bill was read a Third Time. 

The Bill for appropriating part of the Coal and Wine Dues to the 
Embankment of the Thames was read a Second Time, but there was a 
fight against it. Mr. Punch agrees with those who consider the dues 
to be very unjust, but then life is a compromise, and if a stronger boy 
than yourself takes away your money, and you cannot get it back, the 
next best thing is to induce him to stand treat to you with your own 
coin. We shall not be able to wrench our money from the City, but 
if we can get it, laid out in improving the Thames, that is better than 
letting the gorbellied knaves and fat chuffs have the handling it. At 
the other injustice of making London pay the expense of making itself 
convenient, to please all the rest of the world, and elegant, to please all 
the rest of the kingdom, SJr. Punch has no words to express his indig- 
nation, but he thinks the more. 

Tuesday. LORD ELLENBCROUGH spoke sensibly upon the propriety 
of giving Prussia a caution not to meddle with Denmark, and he added 
that, though in Hungary, Italy, and Poland, circumstances were arising 
that would lead to complicated movements, he saw no cause for war. 
And he added " Woe to the Power that, should provoke war." Amen, 
saith Mr. Punch with a heartier plaudit than he often bestows on 
Elephants or anybody else. LORD DERBY wanted to escape the bore 
of discussing the Bankruptcy Bill, and politely suggested that it had 
been so fully considered elsewhere that a select committee might look 
over it, and report; but LORD CAMPBELL thought that the Bill might 
be damaged in this process (and perhaps LORD DERBY, on behalf of 
non-traders, had his own thoughts that way) aud would not hear of 
anything of the kind. 

SIR HENRY STBACEY spoke up for those excellent institutions called 



APKIL 20, 18G1.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



1C1 



Sailors' Homes, where Jack is taken care of, and protected from the 
scoundrel crimps, who drug and plunder him on his return with money. 
MII llf.siiY wanted (iciveu.iiient encouragement for these Homes, but 
Political Economy forbids such an unenlightened proceeding. ThM 
maybe all very well, but, if the Police Magistrates could be armed 
with power, when a bad crimping case is brought before them, to 
make the crimp " eat stick," there would be no outrage upon political 
economy. At present nothing can be done unless downright theft can 
be proved, and before Jack is robbed, he is doctored, and can prove 
nothing. Sin U>:ORGE BOWYER then moved a foolish motion, ;. 
might be expected, for the purpose of preventing any Ifembc 
voting in Supply, unless he is in the llouse when the qu< - 
put. The present plan is to allow a couple of minutes, to ring in the 
Members. Sin 0. LLWIS hit the nail on the head when he met the 
proposition by buying that it would lower the House to the level of a 
jury. .Members, it is to be hoped, make up their minds as to their 
votes, not. from hearing their own humbugging speeches and those of 
their fellows, but upon private consideration of facts. Mr. Punch 
would have the prolomutcst contempt for an M.P. who should be 
swayed by any speech Mi: I', has heard for many a day. This view of 
the case being adopted, a Member may as well enjoy his glass of wine, 
or his cigar, as be listening to BOWYER or any statesman of similar 
calibre. The foolish motion was withdrawn, 

Wedneiday. "BAVNES, EDWARD (Leeds). Born at Leeds, 1800. 
Educated at the Dissenters' Grammar School. Has been for forty 
years Proprietor of the Leeds Mercury (began rather early). Has been 
for twenty-one years President of the Yorkshire Union of Mechanics' 
Institutes. Has written the Life of his father, and also on Woollen 
manufactures. A Liberal," &c. &c. &c. But for all that, and all that, 
and twice as much as all that (which will be found in CAPTAIN BOD), 
when Mu. BAINLS declared his intention to alter the constitution of the 
country, and throw into the Borough Register all the occupiers, 
the House of Commons was presumptuous enough to think for itself, 
and to eject MR. BAI.NES'.S Bill by -21.") to 193. 

Thursday. LORD GAGE, who is a M.A. and a profound mathematician, 
and therefore not open to the ridiculous folly that might tempt, a ribald 
to call him Green Gage, presented various petitions in favour of 
marriage with your wife's bister. He did not speak on those petitions, 
or might have said that things which are equal to the same thing are equal 
to one another ; and therefore if JEMIMA living, and MATILDA deceased 
(sisters), were equal to JOHN SMITH in position, JEMIMA, being equal 
to MATILDA, might marry JOHN SMIXH, if he were equal to proposing 
for her. Q. E. D. 

A Ship debate followed, and a good one, and the opinion of SIR 
JOSEPH PAXTON, SIR MORTOH PETO, and other practical men was 



strongly expressed against the Wooden Ships. LORD Jons I 

[aid that I lie arguments had so far penetrated the Wooden Heads of 

the Admiralty that no more vessels of the kind would be built. 

Historically speaking, this night will be fumous as the anniversary 
ii of JAMES. MR. EDWIN of that ilk retired from the 
rep: i sentation of Marj lebone, for causes and considerations ; t hat , 
say, that he may have more time to give consideration to liis cause*. 

A debate on the New Zealand troubles, and the "iiill.niltj " 
tween \\ILLU* KING and VICTORIA Quzm, began, and ever>l. 
showed that nobody exactly understand* (he case. Brrf, Mr. J'u 

IT that I lie British have behaved uncommonly unfairly, and that 
it is for the interest of humanity that they should go on liuin ,' so. 

'ay. LORD CAMCARVON protested against tin , xecution 

of one of the Druse Chiefs, a party who had not been proved to I. 
joined in the massacres, and who had been proved to have saved the 
lives of some Christians. LOHD WODEHOUSE said that it was 



. 

to deal rather mercifully with the Druses generally; but a- 
particular Chief, though the English Commissioner had thought he 
ought to be spared, three or four of the other Commissioners had 
thought differently; and on the whole it seemed, from LORD WODE- 
HOUSE'S speech, that such a trifle was scarcely worth makii g a : 
about. During the sitting the victorious ELGIN, home from Cl 
made his appearance, and was cheered by his Pters. 

AHMIRAL WALCOTT made a demand touching the completion of the ' 
Nelson Monument, and MR. COWPB made the reply which has, 
Mr. Punch thinks, been heard about twenty-seven times before, namely, 
that SIR EDWIN LASDSEER is making the Lions. When the Sculptor 
gets his models, he must act upon the Templars' motto, Semper teriatnr 
Leo, until they arc done, lla ! ha ! quoted in an instant. 

A tremendously long speech by LORD JOHH RUSSELL in answer to 
a Schleswig-Holstein question, the only point which was made quite 
clear being that "If the German soldiers came into close approxima- 
tion with the Danish troops, a collision might take place," which 
seems i ather a safe thing to say. Somebody in Ireland is so angry with 
his tenants for concealing a gang of murderers, that he has, after due 
warning and vain demand for the surrender of the criminals, evicted 
dy, whereat MR. SCULLY let off some indignation. Some more 
New Zealand talk, and then Supply occupied the Commons until the 
hour of nine o'clock, when they w bust up." 

The Marylebone election wiH have taken place bfore Mr. Pnnek 
again addresses the Universe. Ever so miny Nobodies have offered 
themselves, and also a Somebody. LORD PUNCH has no intention of 
coercing his vassals, but if they wish to please him they will elect MR. 
WINGROVE COOKB, who has written, from personal observation, the 
best book extant about China, and who is a scholar, an orator, and a 
gentleman. A Vermilion Edict. Respect this. 



A HERO AND A MARTYR. 

R. PUNCH, The Turin cor- 
respondent of the Times, 
in a report of the proceed- 
ings in the Chamber of 
Deputies, dated April 4, 
inserts the subjoined para- 
graph, recording a fact 
which, how much soever 
it may grieve some friends 
of liberty, will tend highly 
to comfort and encourage 
others : 

" The galleries wore crowded 
to-day in expectation of seeing 
nt, who was to tike his 
s.' it iii the House ; but the 
General is laid up with lha 
gout, and did not leave his 
apartment." 

The illustrious GARI- 
BALDI is known to be a 
man whose habits are most 
abstemious. His food, 
by all accounts, consists 
chiefly of bread and fruit, 
and his drink is water. 
Yet GARIBALDI has the 
gout. This, albeit all Bri- 
tons interested in Italian 
political freedom must be 
sorry to hear it, will be welcome intelligence toas many as are addicted 
to British freedom of living. They who regard the constitutional liberty 
of peoples, will receive it with sorrow, but it will rejoice the heart of 
everybody who desires to take liberties with his own personal consti- 
tution. Such an one will chuckle over the announcement that the 




temperate and self-denying hero, who sacrificed so much to Italian 
unity, has not only suffered in that cause, but is also a mart) r to the 
gout. "Ha, ha!" he will exclaim; "here ia an instructive case of 
Virtue Rewarded. The attention of the United Kingdom Alliance is 
demanded by a fact highly calculated to induce all thinking persons to 
abjure their potations, and addict themselves to port." 



INTELLECTUAL DESTITUTION. 
(From our Islington Reporter.) 

THE condition of this Suburb is hourly growing more alarming; the 
feelings of the populace have broken out in a most heart-rending and 
pity-moving manner. It ia no uncommon thing to see a sturdy men- 
dicant crouching on the pavement with the words " No FOOD" before 
him : and in like manner the (mentally) starving Islingtouians have 
chalked upon the walla in various directions their great want of mental 
food in the suggestive words " No PUNCH ! " This, aad as it may 
seem, is an indisputable fact ; and we leave those Islingtonians who 
have their wits about them to guess whether their newsvendors, or 
their Trade Unions, should be thanked for it. 



Things that Won't Wash. 

IN a recent Trade Report, under the head of Yarns, it is stated that 
" Medium wefts have been sold at prices in favour of purchasers." 
Surely these wefts must have fetched very little to be sold at prices 
which were in the purchasers' favour. Medium wefts, considered as 
spiritual yarns, are tissues of stuff which may be pronounced not worth 
a rap. 

THE CONTRADICTIONS OF LOVE. 

LOVB is often very contradictory ; for instance, , are 

frequently made all the tighter by one particular i ing a 

les. 




THE CENSUS. 

Head of the Family (filling up tliepapei). "WELL, Miss PRIMROSE, AS A VISITOR, I MUST POT TOUK AGE IN ! WHAT SHALL WE SAY ?" 

Miss P. " OH, IT 'S BEST TO BE SlRAIGHirOR-0'AKD. TflB SAME AS DEAK F.LORA. T\VE.VTY LAST BlRTHDAY ! " 



WHO IS MR. POTTER? 



WORKMEN, who and what are 

They who squeeze you out ? 
Who's this MR. POTTER 

Pottering about ? 
Is he some hardworking, 

Honest artisan, 
Or a labour-shirking, 

Lazy, talking man ? 

Does he earn his living ? 

Is he kept, instead '( 
And are you men giving 

Him your children's bread, 
Him their bread-and-butter, 

Both sides plastered thick, 
Taking thus an utter 

Humbug for a Brick ? 



Does he kind attention 

Render you unpaid ? 
Or on your dissension 

With your masters, trade ? 
Gain from strife deriving 

Strife does he foment, 
Fattening and thriving 

On your discontent ? 

Is this MR. POTTER 

Trustworthy and true ? 
Or is he a plotter 

Doing, diddling you, 
Bleeding you by suction ? 

Let him, if you like, 
Urge you to destruction, 

Keeping up your Strike. 



A PLEA FOR THE P. R. 

"Ma. PUNCH, 

"ALLOW me to call your attention to the fact that, whilst at 
the Alharnbra and other places acrobats are suffered to exhibit per- 
formances which are attended with danger, and result in severe and 
fatal accidents, pugilistic encounters are prohibited by the Legislature, 
and, if possible, suppressed by the Magistrates. 

"A prize-fight is an athletic contest attended with danger. An 
acrobatic exhibition is a dangerous display of activity and strength. 
But in the former the danger is small, and due in almost every case to 
defective training and the mismanagement of incompetent seconds and 
injudicious bottleholders. In the latter the danger is essential, and 
constitutes the attractive element. In so far as people go to see 
mountebanks risk their necks, surely those spectacles are more highly 



calculated to brutalise the beholders than the sight of that slightly 
perilous physical competition professionally termed a Mill. I would, 
therefore, with your permission, express the earnest hope that, if the 
liberty of the Circus is to continue unrestrained, the same licence will 
be conceded to the Ring. 

" Retired from the active duties, to the philosophic contemplation, 
of the arena, I can have no other interest in its claims than that of 
sympathy, and come forward as their advocate simply on the ground of 
their importance in relation to Muscular Christianity and Civilisation. 

"I have the honour to.be, &c., 

" THOMAS SAYEKS, Champion of the P. R." 

"p.s. Them's my Sentiments, Guv'nor, other wise Exprest, and 
these here is my Owu pott hooks. " T. S." 

"Exeter Hall, April, 1861." 



STULTISSIMI. 

RECENTLY a person named MADEN lost a cause because his wife chose 
to proclaim in court that she did not believe in a future state of rewards 
and punishments. So a host of " sympathisers " have subscribed to 
realise a preseut state of rewards for the dis-belieying lady by giving 
her a pianoforte and a soiree. The whole proceeding must have been 
exquisitely amusing, and Mr. Punch regrets that he has not been 
favoured with a report of the speeches. But why a pianoforte ? Music 
was the last thing that should have been offered to a lady of such 
opinions, for while on the one hand we know, on the authority of 
SUAKSPEARE, or his improvers, that "Angels ever bright and fair," 
indulge in music, we also know on that of the late MR. BURNS that 
another spirituality came fiddling through a town in order to pick up 
an exciseman. The appropriateness of the gift is on a par therefore 
with the good taste that suggested it. However, if the unbelieving 
lady is in the entertainment line, she can now 

" Rave, Recite, and Maden ' round the land." 




I 

O 



25 
3 
o 
S! 

o 

a 



3 

E 



APRIL 20, 1861.] 



PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



1C:, 



THE LAY OF THE LAST STATUE. 



MIDNIGHT had struck from the new Clock 

Tower, 

And WIZARD PUNCH had gone to his Bower- 
Ilia Bower that was guarded 'gainst snob and 

swell- 
Truncheon and Toby shield it well ! 
No living wight, save Punch alone, 
llad dared to cross the threshold stone ! 

Of noble race the Wizard came : 
His lineage numbered sires of fame 

On either side the sea. 
lie. had learned the art that, crowned his name 

In Atella of ancient Italic'. 
And sucli his power, that men avow 

He entered every where, 
And to plain utterance could bow 

The voices of the air. 
And now he sits in his secret Bower, 
In the shade of Westminster's tall Clock 

Tower, 

And listens to a heavy sound 
That moans the gilded vanes around. 
Is it the roar of London's tide, 
Still surging on by Thames' black side P 
Is it the wind within the clockPj 
Is it Big Ben begins to rock P 
What may it be, the heavy sound 
That moans the lofty Clock Tow'r round? 

At the sullen moaning sound 

The cats shriek and mi-oul, 
And from Westminster slums around 

The dogs begin to howl. 



The shiv'ring steeds in cabs of night 

Think that a storm is near, 
And to windward the watermen take a sight ; 

But the night is still and clear. 

From the sound of London's tide, 
Surging aye by Thames' black side, 
From the wind inside the clock, 
From Big Ben's dull-booming shock, 
From the voice of the coming storm, 

WEIRD PUNCH that sound read clear 
'Twas the statue of H&TBLOOX that spoke, 

And he called on the statue of N A TIER. 

HAVELOCK STATUS. 

" Sleepest thon, brother P" 

XAl'lER STATUE. 

" Brother, nay ; 
All around the moonbeams play, 
And set oar ghastly gathering forth, 
From Jenner unto George the Fourth 
Hideous forms, the square defacing, 

Which of squares should stateliest show, 
All extremities embracing 

To which ugliness can go. 
Up, and mark the sculptor's feat, 
Up, and own the mull complete ! " 

HAVELOCK STATUE. 

" Tears of an ill-treated maiden 
Mingle with our fountains' stream : 

Poor Britannia, statue-laden, 
Mourns beneath my coppery gleam. 



Tell me, thou, that pilloried high, 
Art even uglier than I, 
When shall these offences end ': 
When our monuments amend ': 
When shall sculptors cease to fail ? 
When shall BULL a statue hail P " 

NAFIEH 8TATUI. 

" Whitehall's slow Board of Works doth hold 

Its wonted courses, calm and cold. 

A SCOTT is snubbed at Premier's whim, 

Nor Brompton's planet waxeth dim, 

Where looms, 'neath FOWKK'S malignant star, 

A bigger, uglier, Boilers far! 

Ill do I read the signs I see, 
Or still they speak bad taste in power, 
In this sad square and yon tall tower, 

Till Brompton's quelled, and Art is free! " 

The stony voices ceast, 

And the moon fell c ilm and chill 
On Northumberland House's beast, 

U it h his tail so stiff and still ! 
But round Westminster Tower 

The sound still floated dear, 
For it rang in Pmeh't Bower, 

And it rang in Punch' K ear ! 
He raised his Roo-too-it , 
And his truncheon grasped with pride 

" Proud Brompton shall bend, 

And the Boilers descend. 
Ere the Goths over London still rough-shod 
shall ride!" 



OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 

"DEAR PUNCH, 

" As a man of sense and taste, and one who loves to see good 
acting, you of course have been delighted with MR. FECHTER'S Hamlet. 
Pray, how many years is it since you were so well satisfied with the 
playing of that part, and so disposed to clap your hands, and cry out 
bravo ! to the actor P Without descending to superlatives, will you 
not agree that you have never seen a more original conception, and 
scarce ever one more carefully and perfectly worked out* Making 
due allowance for his foreign intonation (a defect which it is not 
within his power to obliterate, but which becomes less noticed as the 
tragedy proceeds) you must allow that MR. FECHTER has achieved a 
great success, though you may not quite admit that the performance 
is ' unparalleled,' or allow that it is ' universally acknowledged ' as 
the ' greatest triumph ' possible in the dramatic art. Such phrases 
may be well enough to puff a mere pretender, but are unworthily 
employed iii the case of MR. FBCHTER, and I trust that MR. MANAGES 
will think fit to withdraw them from his play-bill and advertisements. 
For all that croakers say about the stage not being patronised, depend 
on it, iine acting will find plenty of admirers, without blowing a trumpet 
to attract them to the house. 

" This is a free country, I am thoroughly aware, and is blessed with 
a free stage as well as a free press. But knowing by report only some- 
what of the jealousies of Green Rooms, and of the national antipathies 
that swell the British breast, I have not the slightest doubt but that 
to some minds there is something moat alarmingly audacious in the 
notion of a Frenchman undertaking to play SHAKSPEARB, and that too 
not in Paris but before a British audience. I think I hear old Clap- 
trapp denouncing such impertinence, and declaiming against foreigners 
for bringing their French polish upon our British boards. Zounds! 
Sir, the Swan of Avon is not a bird of passage, and what business have 
these foreigners to lay their impious hands on our Immortal Bard ? 
old Mouther too is equally indignant at the impudence of one who 
dares disturb the old traditions of our stage, and to read the part 
afresh by the light of his own intellect, without looking for enlighten- 
ment to the actors whose bright genius has thrown lustre on the past. 
Play Hamlet in light hair ! horrible '. most horrible ! As well play 
Julius Qfiar without a Roman nose, or try to represent Othello without 
blacking your face ! Don't talk to me, Sir, of your German physio- 
gnomists, and of light hair being suited to a dreamy and irresolute 
meditative character, such as you say the text of SHAKSPEARE is in- 
tended to present. Did you ever hear of GARRICK playing Hamlet in 
light hair, and don't you think he knew what was proper for the part ? 
And would the KEMBLES and the KEANS have stuck to their black 
wig, if they had deemed it otherwise than sooted to the text ? 

" Now, much as I desire the well-being of our actors, I am not dis- 



posed to join in crying for Protection to British stage traditions, or in 
denouncing, as impertinence, the effort of a Frenchman to read 
SHAKSFEARE for himself, without having his mind fettered by conven- 
tional suggestions, and stagy stale advice. Free trade, say I, in intel- 
lect as well as corn and cotton ; and when old Mouther cries, ' What 
impudence ! ' I feel far more inclined to cry out, ' What a compliment 
that a foreigner should take such pains to learn the English language, 
and bestow so much love-labour on a most exacting part ! ' Our Stage 
is not so good but that it might be better ; and competition may, per- 
haps, put our actors on their mettle, and bring out latent talent if 
there be any hidden. Mind, I don't say I prefer to see a foreigner 
play SHAKSPEARE, or doubt but that an Englishman possessed of equal 
talent would more please me in his part. A foreign tongue, of course, 
can't give right utterance to our language, and can therefore never do 
full justice to the text. For all his skill and painstaking, and months 
of careful study, MR. FECIITER'S intonation still grates upon one's ear, 
and sadly mars the pleasure one, in spite of it, receives. Such a phrase, 
for instance, as ' Though Hell itself should garp' can but fall offen- 
sively on any English ear ; nor do we express pathos by drawling out 
our vowels, and saying, ' gr-r-a-ace ' and ' spe-e-e-ak ' instead of 
' grace ' and ' speak.' These defects I noticed most in the declamatory 
passages, and where intensity or violence of feeling is expressed. But 
they are scarcely perceived at all in the more colloquial utterance, 
wherein (as I think, rightly) the conversations with Poloniut and the 
players are kept up. Nor, even at their worst, are they more unlike 
clear, plain, intelligible English, than the gasps and grunts and gurgles 
which, with many an English actor, are supposed to give good utterance 
to the words that SHAKSPEARE wrote. 
" As we don't get a new Hamlet once in a score of years, or, at any 



good acting, untrammeled by tradition, to enjoy the present chance. 
I would advise them, too, when there, to keep their eyes upon their 
opera-glass, rather than their book ; for, rightly to appreciate the 
points of his performance, MR. FECHTBR must be looked at all the 
while that he is listened to. Let them observe the facial play that 
gives such meaning to each word, and note the graceful ease of every 
attitude and gesture. Not since the elder KBAS has there been seen 
upon our stage a UamM with an eye ; and if MR. FECHTER lacks the 
lightning-flash of genius, his eye is ever shining with an intellectual 
light. 

" I must add one word more, and that is to advise people who 

mise the stalls, to take their places in a party, and not each book 

' for himself. For the privilege of paying a week or so beforehand, a 

shilling is demanded for all numbers up to six. This premium, which 

commercially, I think, should be a discount, amounts to nearly twenty 



166 



PUNCH, OR THE LCXDOX CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 20, 1861. 



per cent, upon the price of one pit-stall ; and then another sixpence, 
or ten per cent, additional, is extorted by the stall-keeper who shows 
yon to your seat. How locg the British Manager will, in defiance of 
his interests, support this brigand system, one needs to know his 
mental progress for the last few hundred years to enable one to guess. 
All men of sense, I fancy, must opine he would do wisely to decree its 
abolition : and to this end, 3fr. P**ci, I hope you will support your 
correspondent, 

"Osz TVHO PATS." 




(emunatt, of coune\. "FZCHTEB! PAH! HAM.ET WITH 
LIGHT HAIR ASB so Porsrs. PAH ! THZ DHAKA'S GONE '." 



WHERE ARE THE ENGINES ? 

Osz of RSUTER'S telegrams on Thursday last announced that the 
frreat theatre of Barcelona ww on fire, and that the flames were spread- 
me to the neighbouring homes. 

Only the great theatre of Barcelona! 

Who cam say how soon we may hear, by the same channel that the 
gTertthMtreof Europe is .on fire, aid that the flames are spreading on 
all aides? TV i only question is, where the Maze is likeliest tobreak 
otttin Italy, Hnnfary, Holstem, Turkey, Stria, or Poland. 

The sovereigns are getting ready their Engines. Worse luck, for 
they are only engines of destruction ! 



EXTRACT FROX A PRIVATE LETTER ADDRESSED BT A CELEBBATZD 
DRAMATIC CRITIC TO A CELEBRATED ESGU5H DRAMATIC AUTHOR, 

Is Paris Salons it is stated 

SCRIBE did not die but was trnulated. 



TO PERSOSS ABOUT TO SEPARATE TOR THEIR LIVES. 

WHT is SIR CRZSSWELL CRESSWEIX like a railway accident ? 
Because te very often snaps the coupling chains] and separates the 
ileepers. 



[ANTICIPATED ADTEBTISEKKST.] 

THE ALLSHAMBLES MUSIC HALL. 



EXTRAORDINARY EXCITEMENT ! 

TWO BROKEN LEGS A-NIGHT ! ! 

AM) THZ CHAXCI O 

A BROKEN NECK ! ! ! 

MR. MTTH informs his Patrons, the Enlightened British Public, 
that be has recently succeeded in concluding an Engagement with 
those \\ onder- Working Ar 

THE SUSPENDED SPIDERS! 

who have astonished All Creation with their astounding feats. These 
Arachneal Acrobats are descended from the Fairy race of Flying 
Islanders, whom REAR- ADMIRAL PETER WHKISS " discovered years 
ago upon the shores of the 

DEAD SEA. 

Among the daring acts exhibited by these Aerial Artists, is that 
which they have called the 

SUPER SUPPERTABLE SUMMERSAULT 

which, at great risk of life and limb, is flung over the heads of the 
visitors assembled, who are thus made to participate in the accidents 
arising from the 

Terrible Trapeze ! 

As an additional attraction, and in order to enhance the excitement 
that is caused by witnessing the dangers of Suspended Animation, the 

BREAK-NECK BROTHERS 
ill go through their perilous performances, assisted by their relatives 



the 



CAOUTCHOUCIC COUSINS! 



Whose deeds of daring have occasioned such a wonderful sensation in 
the acrobatic world. Among their number is the celebrated 

Convolvulus Contortionist ! 

who will perform his to*n deforce, and terrific twisting tricks. This 
superhuman artist is so agile in his movements that none but the most 
practised eye can see what he is doing, and his legs and arms change 
places with such marvellous rapidity that he appears almost to 

TCKy BIMSELF CLEAX IXS1DE OVT ! ! 

The JUMPERS OF JAPAX are soon expected to arrive, and will most 
likely be accompanied by the 

BAND OF BEDOUIN BOTJNDEES : 

who have lately been performing at the Court of SQUASHTJBUSGO, the 
Monarch of Mesopamia, and whom the KISG OFTHECASMBAL ISLANDS 
honoured, on their leaving him, with a State Dinner of raw meat. 

Besides these marvels, MR- MTTH, with utter recklessness of cost, 
has engaged that far-famed Seventh Wonder of the World, who is 
known in his profession as 

The Pocket Hercules : ! 

from his almost dwarfish stature and yet stupendous strength. Among 
his other bone-thrilling and marrow-moving feats, this great Artist 
will display his giant-like abilities by throwing to the ceiling a Thou- 
sand-Pound Weight Cannon-Bali, and catching it between his teeth. 
He will likewise lift up a Lifeguardsman with his little finger, and will 
nightly close his miraculous performances by throwing a double sum- 
mersault with his legs in heavy fetters, and firing off an Armstrong gun 
upon his back ! 

MR. MTTH, in thus announcing his programme for the season, trusts 
bis efforts will be relished by appreciative patrons, as a proof of his 
ambition to refine the public taste. By introducing in a Song Saloon 
the acrobatic element, and interspersing Nisger Melodies with the 
chances of Broken Necks, MR. MTTH hopes to achieve the Enlighten- 
ment of Everyone, In this Mission to the Masses he is aided by the 
wisdom of a truly 

HUMANE LEGISLATTJBE:!.' 

Who let Song Saloons be open on occasions (such as Passion Week) 
when theatres are closed, and to whom he therefore begs, in all humility 



and gratitude, to 



TESTIFY HIS THANK& 



APRIL 20, 1801.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAKIVARI. 



167 



IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARH WHO OUR GREAT MEH ARE ! 




OXETTXE lately, at a 

meeting at Bodmin, 
MR. WTLD imparted 
the following secret 
to hi* constituents, 
who most have been 
taken by sur- 
with it : 




< to UM PwtamU 

of lUlf, ud BM Wt 

IMWH proud to all 
friend 0ABiLH 
to 



(Up. WTU>) had hu 
ertrtei him <tat 
writer pt of the 7r, 
and ba wnt out to MB 
wbet iMJilmi haeoald 
reader Mm it later 
period of the 71 

Taking M*. WTLD 
as a favourable speci- 
men, we should say 
that QARTRAi.ni would 
be better pleated to 
meet many of his 
avowed enemies than 
awwal of his so-called 
friends. Might we 
venture to inquire 
what was the nature 
of the assistance that 
was humbly given by 
ML WTLD to his 
"friend?" We hope 

it was not in presenting him with a map of Italy, or in drawing out for him the plan of 
his future campaign, or in favouring the Italian liberator witn .his particular views on 
English politics. 

We shall always think of MB. WTLD as "1st M.P. JOB BODJCDT ADD THE FBKHD or 
GARIBALDI." Now if our modern Atlas, who supports on his back the Great Globe, 
including Bodmin, and not forgetting Italy, i really anxious to prove himself the "friend" 
he represents himself to be. the wisest thini? he can do is never to associate his name with 
that of GARIBALDI; for it is no mark of friendship to attempt to bring your friend into 
disrespect, even though that friend may be as strong as the Washington of Italy to stand 
any amount of ridicule. We regret that MR. WTLD never thought, the moment he had 
returned from his Italian campaign, of having a large engraving drawn of himself giving 
instructions to GABIBALDI in geography, pointing out to him the several paths of glory, 
with an oustretched mappemonde as Dig as Leicester Square before them. The absence of the 
above has been a national loss a double national loss, we may say, for Italy must grieve 
over it not less than England and, by way of humble reparation, will MB. n TLD kindly 
promise us, the next time an Italian debate is brought forward, to address the House in a 
red shirt? and if he would only interlard his speech with a few Italian phrases, such as 
corpo di Baceho, or Pescator delTonda, and the like, we think the success would be certain. 
We make this request in the name of his " friend," whom he is bound to assist in erery way 
that he can. 

In the meantime, we wish MR. WTLD, instead of running down into Italy, and bothering 
GABJBALDI, would attend a little more to Leicester Square, and make some small endeavour 
to keep the filthy place clean and tolerably respectable, for in the present state it^would be a 
disgrace to the dirtiest metropolis in Europe. It is nothing better than a Great World of dirt 
and rubbish. Why don't the ungrateful inhabitants present him with a broom ? 



"GEY HAVOC, AM) LET LOOSE THE DOGS OP WAR!" 

THET are straining in the slips 

You may feel their sulph'rous breath, 
As it steams from throats and lips 

That parch and pant for Death. 
You may hear their muffled bay, 

As against the leash they hang, 
And churn and toss away, 

The foam about the fang. 
They need no voice to tarre* 
Them on, these Dogs of War ! 



Again asrain again ! 

Is it a single sound, 
By Echo's doubling strain, 



Repeated all around ? 
Has East as well as West, 

Has North as well as South, 
Its own erected crest, 

Hoarse throat and fangcd mouth ? 
I see them, near and far, 
Those threatening dogs of War ? 

Where Po runs, brimming over 
His green and grassy mound, 

Fierce bursting from his cover, 
See Italy's young hound 

Spite of tethers that impede, 
And hands that would restrain, 



Tarn : to let on dogi. SHAKHTUU. 



He has proved his fighting breed, 

And would prove his breed again. 
And who has strength to bar 
Italy's Dogs of War? 

In front, pent, fierce and foul, 

Behind their walls of stone, 
The Austrian ban-dogs growl. 

Late baffled of their borne. 
Licking their yet green wounds, 

Nursing old grudges warm, 
The gaunt and grisly hounds, 

Hot for the quarry, swarm 
And hungry dogs they are, 
Those Austrian Dog* of War ! 

Bat ware your rearward foes, 
Where on the Theiss's plain 
In spite of recent blows, 



Pesthvard like wares they 
Nor least news the Magyar 
'Mong Europe's Dogs of War. 

Neath Savoy's snowy Alp, 

Om the plim* hsaks of Rhoae. 
Hark! the French dogs they ydp ! 

Well Europe knows the tone ! 
Friends for the moment's friend, 

Foes for the nani't foe 
So there's bat lies* its end, 

What odds the road they go? 
With a ribbon ad a stir 
You lead French Dogs of War. 

And see the Sick Man lying 

Almost in mortal swqnnd; 
The bed where he is dying 

With his own pack girt round 
The Pariah dogs of Bosnia, 

The Rouman wolf-dogs grim, 
Mouth their master ere he 's dead. 

And claim, each hound, his limb. 
Carrion to rend and mar 
Befits such Dogs of War. 

And the Danish dogs are baring 

Their tube* sharp though small. 
While the German mastiff's swearing 

To eat them, bones and all : 
Bfe the illwrf PoKah tanspft 

That so long the buffets bore 
Of the giant Russian bear-hound, 

Has shown its teeth once more 
As if Sinus his star 
Had fired all Dogs of War ! 

Hinged in with gathering growls, 

Fierce fangs OB every hand, 
'Mid defiant snarls and scowls, 

See Britain's ball-dog stand. 
Not couchant, as the wont 

Is of the placid brute; 
But legs set firm in front, 

With muzzle clenched and mute. 
Ware all who tempt too far 
That peaceful Dog of War ! 



Pretty 



THE Fora, in his petticoats and white satin 
shoes, may be looked upon as somewhat of a 
female. There is another point of resemblance 
between his Holiness and the ladies. Both, on 
certain subjects, are alike deaf to reason. The 
obstinacy of the Pontiff relates to Faith, the pig- 
headedness of the fair sex regards Fashion. He 
will not concede secular Government nor aw- 
render yonne MORTARA ; they refuse to give up 
Crinoline. To the demand of justice, common 
sense, and expediency, the Pon replies Aim 
pottmuu; and when implored to relinquish a 
dangerous, inconvenient, and ridiculous node of 
dress, so say the ladies. 



1C8 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 20, 1861. 




SEVERE." 



DAINTY OLD GENT. "Hare 1 liked my Dinner? No, I've not! So don't give what I've left to the Cat, 
Sir ; because as she 's sure to become pic, I should like her to die a natural death, and not be poisoned." 



A HOPEFUL CHARACTER. 

FOR a parent whose paternal 
heart has been so severely and 
repeatedly lacerated as that of Pio 
NONO, by his own account, the 
Holy Father bears up wonderfully. 
The foreign correspondent of a con- 
temporary, quoting some remarks 
lately made by his Holiness, 
says : 

" In the first place I learn that the 
POPE says he can reckon on the protective 
office of the French army for at least six 
months more, and 'who knows,' ex- 
claimed his Holiness, ' what may occur 
in six months?' " 

The Successor of St. Peter may 
or may not succeed, or endeavour 
to succeed, in following St. Peter's 
example, but he is evidently a very 
good imitator, whether conscious 
or unconscious, of another and a 
more modern character, who has 
acquired universal celebrity from 
a habit which he had of continually 
expressing, under the most adverse 
circumstances, the hope that some- 
thing would turn up. The POPE 
in the words above quoted exhibits 
the sanguine temperament, and 
almost adopts the phraseology, of 
Mr. Micawber. 



" MOST MUSICAL, MOST 
MELANCHOLY!" 

A DISTINGUISHED Ethiopian 
being asked, how he enjoyed the 
music of the Amber Witch, replied, 
" O Golly, Massa SMITH, dat 
Amber Witch am ber-witching !*' 



THE RIGHT AND LEFT OF A RULE. 



HELPING AN OLD FRIEND. 



AT the inauguration of the Pelly Memorial School, at West Ham, WE read in the Paris correspondence of the Times that 
Essex, the other day EARL GRANVILLE. who presided on the occasion, , ,. ^ 8teel lat(Sd frl te rnvinciUe was launched at Toulon on Thuredav !a8t in 

IS reported, in apologising for an extemporaneous Speech, tO have ; p r e 8c ,, C e of an immense crowd, who arrived from various parts of the department 
Said : of the Var to witness the sight." 

New frigates, fresh launches everyday, troops collected in thousands 
at the ports ready to sail at a moment's notice, and the dockyards kept 
in the greatest activity ! Of course it all means Peace but from the 
above prognostications, if we were our friend WISCOUNT VILLIAMS, 
we should feel strongly tempted to pronounce the above Department 
of the Var to be the real War Department of France. 



" However, one of the disadvantages which accrues to me from having hardly 
expected that I could attend for I thought there would be a meeting of my 
colleagues to-day is this, that I acted on a maxim on which I hope none of my 
young friends around me will ever act, of not doing to-day that which I thought 
could be done to-morrow." 

LORD GBANVILLE does himself injustice in decrying the maxim on 
which he acted. It is a very good maxim ; just as good as the con- 
trary, which is inculcated in the copy-books : " Never defer till to- 
morrow that which you can do to-day." There is wisdom in this 
precept ; but equally wise is the reverse of it, which EARL GRANVILLE 
acted on, " Never do that to-day which you can defer till to-morrow." 
Wisdom is a Janus with two faces, which correspond to the two sides 
of every question. Promptitude is wise, but deliberation is equally 
wise; procrastination is foolish, but precipitation is equally foolish. 
Proverbial philosophy, unless when propounded by a TTJPPER, is 
sometimes too Laconic ; as in the case of the copy-book canon above 
cited ; which requires a little enlargement to be made absolute. To 
admonish dilatory youth with perfect accuracy, we should say, " Never 
defer that till to-morrow which you had better do to-day," and, to 
school our rash young friends, " Never do that to-day which you will 
just as well be able to do to-morrow." A wise saw is double-edged, 
and some people are not to be trusted to handle it, because they are 
apt to scratch themselves with one edge or the other. 



ADVICE TO FUNDHOLDERS. 



TUB Income-Tax has expired. Run and get your April dividends 
before it revives. 

HIGH TREASON. Asking KING THWAITES to " stand a drain." 



How will you Have it ? 

IK a recent bankruptcy case MR. COMMISSIONER FANE enunciated 
the startling doctrine that " Bankers ought to ask questions in plain 
English." What bosh! Does this judicial euphuist imagine that the 
banking world is going to submit to any such tyranny ? Perhaps he 
thinks that when one presents a cheque, a banker's clerk is to say 
" In what notes or coins, Sir, do you wish to receive the amount here 
specified." Does he suppose that such an effeminate form of words is 
to supersede the accustomed "Owlyant?" Nothing of that sort, 
MR. COMMISSIONER. 



C EST LA MEME CHOSE. 

AMONG the various columns in the Census returns, filled up on the 
7th instant, was one requiring each person to specify whether he was 
"married" or "unmarried," and another in which all "blind" persons 
were enumerated. The latter column appeared somewhat superfluous, 
for to get at the number of the blind, it was surely only necessary to 
! add up the lists of the married ? so at least says a Correspondent, 
signing himself "A WIDE-AWAKE BACHELOR." 



" Soxes WITHOUT WORDS." The songs the Tea-kettle sings. 



How TO EXJOY THE "Rus IN UBBE." Go and see the Hamlef in 
Oxford Street. 



lntKl *j William Bradbiur. o( No. 13. Dpi>r Wobnrn Place. and Frederick Mullett EOIIL of .o. 19, Qaeen'i Road Weal, Bnent' Park, both in lb< Parti* q( St. Pancras, In the Conntr of 
1'r r.Vrt, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the Citj of London, and Pablitheu by them at No. 9S, Fleet Street in the Parish of St. Bride, in the l*lty OI 
UiM,n. SATURDAY, April 20, 1851. 



APRIL 27, 18CL] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



1C9 




THE PAPER COLLAR-USEFUL AND ORNAMENTAL. 

Clara (reads). "EXCUSE, DEAREST, THE PAPER UPON WHICH I WHITE I HAVE 

NOT MY DESK WITH ME, SO I SEND YOU THESE JEW HUBRIJED LlNES OX OXE OP 

My COLLARS." 



APPENDIX TO Till; AMERICAN ANTIIK.M. 

ToE OMmu. 

WE 'VE got into a pretty fli, 

My countrymen, by J 
Through our confounded politics; 

Spam ' down on St. Domingo '. 
She takes this lurii in our affairs, 

This crisis grave and weighty, 
To gain her ends, and unawares 

Goes iu. to win all llavti ! 

Oh, what a change comes o'er our dream ! 

Our once united nation 
The other day proposed the scheme 

Of Cuba's annexation ; 
And now you liave the hand of Spain 

Stretched forth to take possesn 
Were that isle ours, could we restrain 

'I he Spaniards from aggression ? 

Come let us discord slick forego, 

And difficulties banish, 
Or else we shall be, no ways slow, 

Chawed up by them there Spanish. 
The MUXRO doctrine, dirt and all, 

We shall be forced to swallow, 
And if we do to pieces fall, 

The Dons will lick us hollow. 

Would North and South conjoin again 

By pressing facts invited, 
The now dissevered States would then, 

Becoming reunited ; 
A mighty people recompose, 

Once more to flog creation, 
Instead of stooping to her foes, 

And suffering flagellation. 



" Over, Fork Over." 

THE Times remarks that marriage is "a very highly 
pitched relation." Young SNOBKINS, who was in love 
with his cousin EUPHIMIA, says that he was also a very 
highly pitched relation when be proposed marriage, for 
his indignant uncle threw him bang over the garden wall. 



SUKGEEY FOK THE MIDDLE CLASSES. 

SUPPOSE yon are troubled with a cataract, that is to say, not with a 
waterfall in your neighbourhood, but with an obstruction in your eye. 
You may have this nuisance abated by a surgical operation. This, if 
you are a labouring man, you can, by procuring a letter of recom- 
mendation to a hospital, get done for thanks. If you are a peer of the 
realm, or a banker, or a railway director, or a great builder, or a 
prince, or a bishop, you will have the best operator in London to couch 
your cataract ; that is, to destroy or pick out the diseased part of your 
eye, namely, the crystalline lens turned white and opaque. For 
rendering you that important service, vou will present your surgeon 
with a cheque for two or three thousand pounds, to encourage science, 
and to reward him for giving professional assistance to the poor. But 
if you are a respectable tradesman, or an attorney, or a barrister as yet 
only rising, or a parson of moderate preferment, then you will pay the 
professor who enucleates your crystalline capsule the average market 
price for the job. which may be put at about 50. Now this is what 
the inferior members of the equestrian order call a high pike, and the 
vulgar in general denominate a heavy fork-out ; in short, it is a great 
deal of money for a man with a small income, and perhaps a large 
family, to part with, even for a consideration so valuable as that of the 
restoration of his sight. How is his sight restored by the extraction 
of a part of his eye? Because that part of his eye is merely a little 
microscope, and its place may be supplied with proper spectacles. He 
has, therefore, something to show for his fee, and something worth 
that fee, however large. But the regular fee may be more than he can 
afford. 

What a convenience, then, it would be for any gentleman who' wants 
to have his cataract expunged, or his leg cut off, or his fracture set, or 
his dislocation reduced, or his artery taken up and tied for htcmorrhage ; 
or for aneurism, or his jaw-bone removed, or his skull trepanned, 
or a large concretion extracted from his interior, or a huge excrescence ' 
abscinded from his outside, if there existed an institution of the nature 
of a benefit club in as far as it regarded surgical attendance, so that I 

VOL. xt. i 



any member thereof might, by the payment of a small annual sub- 
scription, be enabled to lose his own limb, if necessary, or have it 
mended, if possible, or get any other bodily repairs that he may want 
to have done, skilfully executed, under circumstances as favourable as 
those which surround a man in an infirmary ! 

No such resource for gentlemen does apparently exist, but an 
accommodation of the kind has been provided for ladies. It is named 
the " London Surgical Home." Its second anniversary festival was 
held the other evening. Its object is that of affording surgical assis- 
tance in curable cases, to gentlewomen who can afford to pay some- 
thing towards their own support ; and, as its name implies, it houses 
them as well ; which is a great advantage ; for you cannot always com- 
mand at home, the water-beds and other machinery requisite for the 
comfortable treatment, for example, of broken bones. Neither can 
you get, on reasonable terms, any better nurses than stupid old women. 
In the Ladies' London Surgical Home, during the last 11 months, 83 
patients have been received, 57 of them cured, and 11 relieved ; the 
rest are under treatment all but one, and that one only had exchanged 
the Surgical Home for the long one. Hence you will perceive that it 
is a bonti fide concern, as will further appear from the fact that, whilst 
the annual subscriptions promised for the year amount to 193 1O., 
the patients' own payments during tlie vear are calculated a' 
The current annual expenses are 1,307 iO*., to meet which, of course 
the managing committee want 500; which they ought to get, because 
the money will be given in aid of one of the most useful and laudable 
of all institutions going. 

The London Surgical Home was founded by MR, BAKER BROWS, a 
philanthropist whom poor surgeons may thank as well as poor gentle- 
women wanting surgical assistance. Should Surgical Homes be mul- 
tiplied, and extended so as to include male patients, they will afford 
employment to many young surgical practitioners who are as well up 
to their work as anybody in the Council of the College, and would be 
glad to contract witli those excellent establishments to do any quantity 
of mending that may be required by the frames of their inmates and 
subscribers, on moderate terms. 



170 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 27, 1861. 



PREVENTIVE PENAL KNOWLEDGE. 

HE attention of those 
philanthropists who 
are earnestly devoting 
their benevolent ener- 
gies to the diffusion 
of useful knowledge, ia 
invited to the sub- 
joined paragraph, ex- 
tracted from the report 
of a lecture delivered 
at the lloyal Institu- 
tion by PROFESSOR 
HELMHOLTZ -. 

"The greatest effort of 
the labour of man, he said, 
is obtained on the tresid- 
mill, by which action, if 
exerted in ascending stairs, 
.'(1 rnisu himself 1,712 
feet in one hour." 

This brief and simple, 
but significant state- 
ment would do much 
good if it could be 
brought sufficiently 
well before the morally 
inferior classes. Print- 
ed in large letters in 
the form of a handbill, 
it might be posted up, 
by the help of the 
Police, in all the pub- 
lic-houses and other 
principal resorts of 
rogues aud thieves. 
The Stock Exchange 
Committee might also 
stick it upon the walls 

of that building, wherein gamblers and speculators in the money-market most do congregate. 
Bank Directors would also do well to give it a conspicuous position in aud about their 
banking-houses. There can be no doubt that the most effectual way to deter a rogue from 
crime would be that of impressing him with a vivid idea of its consequences ; and an idle 




scoundrel could have no stronger inducement to 
practise honest industry than a knowledge of 
what is meant by the hard labour to which he 
may subject himself by theft and fraud; and 
thence a wholesome horror of the treadmill. He 
would be careful how he ran the risk of placing 
himself in the position of climbing at the rate 
of 1,712 feet an hour, and standing all the while 
at the same level. 



SONG FOR THE MERCHANTS. 

OTJR fathers of old, 

Though shiv'ring with cold, 
Drove their bargains.the winds driving through 
them; 

Bat wiser are we, 

And prefer, MR. T- 
-ITE, in weather-tight place to pursue them. 

But let us beware ! 

And whilst temp'ring the air, 
Keep an eye on the Gresham Committee, 

And mind they don't spile 

The handsomest pile 
We can show anywhere in the City. 



Difference Between Wit and Humour. 

THERE have been so many thousand definitions 
of Wit and Humour, that we do not offer the 
slightest apology for the following attempt to 
explain the difference between them. We have 
but little doubt that it will fully come up in 
merit and success to its numerous predecessors, 
the majority of which have been egregious 
failures : 

Humour is the art of saying happy things 
that have the effect of making others happy ; 
whilst Wit, and especially that grade of it that 
takes the form of Satire, is the art of saying 
smart things that are the cause of smarting in 
others. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

MONDAY. April 15. It may suit MR. GLADSTONE to take three 
hours to detail the contents of his Budget, but Mr. Punch has no 
intention whatever of being so wasteful of words. Here is the 
Budget : 

" Though the Lords choose to vapour, off, Doty on Paper ! 

One Penny I rescud from Income-Tax trickery ; 
Divers Licences mention, not worth your attention ; 
And, lastly, I double the Duty on Chicory." 

There is the Budget, and if MR. GLADSTONE had come to 3fr. Punch 
and asked him for leave to print the above on a neat little card, which 
might have been inclosed to the Members, the CHANCELLOR would 
have saved himself the trouble of talking for 175 minutes while an 
atrocious East Wind was soughing round the House and waiting to 
catch him when he should come out. Add that he says he shall have a 
surplus of 1,922,000 instead of the Deficiency which his enemies had 
been predicting, and that he garnished his eloquent speech with' some 
fun sbout LADY GODIVA, and his paying his own addresses to two 
young ladies at once, Miss Direct and Miss Indirect Taxation, and 
rlmt lie introduced Latin quotations, which are thus corrected by the 
Morning Chronicle (price one penny) : 



and 



" Aurerui et simili frondescit virga melallo,' 
"Ergo alto veetiga car/e manu."j 



the Gladstonian exploit for 1SG1 is summed up. It may be as well to 
add, that the other day LORD PALMERSTON was assuring us that we 
needed all our costly defensive preparations against our friend the 
Elected of the Millions, and that to-night MR. GLADSTONE spoke 
emphatically against the war expenditure of the country. When the 
Coalition does agree, its unanimity is wonderful; but we.cannot expect 
wonders all through the Session. 

There was not much discussion after the Budget-Speech, indeed 
MR. GLADSTONE had rained such a shower of figures upon the heads of 
the Committee that they were bewildered, and Members began doing 
all sorts of wild sums on the paper, dividing 13 by 27, subtracting 



403 from 179, and performing similar vagaries, in order to look as if 
they were considering the Minister's details. But most people seemed 
pleased that no new taxes were to be laid on ; and, after a little dispute 
as to whether MR. GLADSTONE had been the sweetest friend or the 
bitterest enemy of the agricultural interest, the Chicory Resolution 
was put and carried. Whether the rest of the Chicory Budget will be 
as easily got through, Mr. Punch profoundly remarks, nous verrons. 

The Lords did not sit for an hour, but most of them who are capable 
of understanding a financial speech came into the House of Commons 
to hear MR. GLADSTONE. 

Tuesday. But to-nisht their Lordships met to better purpose, and 
read the Bankruptcy Bill a Second Time. That plan of making one law 
for the Trader and the Non Trader seems to give much uneasiness to 
the superior classes, who appear to be awfully afraid of being " nabbed," 
a state of mind that indicates some little habitual irregularity in 
accounts. LORD CHELMSFORD, on behalf of the Non-Traders, 
threatens to doctor the Bill in Committee. He was not very lucky in 
a remark that the House of Commons had not given due attention to 
the measure, for during part of the debate in the Second Reading of the 
most important Bill of the Session, there were Four lords on one side 
of the House and the same number on the other, and never more than 
thirty-seven. 

In the Commons a Bill for enabling people to make railways in the 
streets came on for Second Reading. This is the plan of MR. TRAIN, 
an American gentleman, who has actually got two of such railways at 
work in London, and who, if he never does anything else, deserves the 
gratitude of the English Lady for shaming the proprietors of the dirty 
inconvenient nuisance called the British Omnibus, by producing a 
vehicle into which a woman can step decently, and sit in cleanliness 
and comfort. Also for substituting neatly uniformed and civil men 
for the coarse cads who at present bawl behind the buss. How- 
ever, the question of giving the powers required by this Bill is a dis- 
tinct one from that of the advantage of the TRAIN vehicles, and the 
Bill was negatived, after perhaps because of a smart speech in its 
favour from MR. BRIGHT. 

The mantle of SPOONER has fallen upon WHALI.EY. The latter has 
taken lip the Maynooth question. He fixed Tuesday the 30t,h, for his 
debut, and in the interests of humanity MR. BRAND will be good 
enough to mark that night for a Count Out. 



APRIL 27, 1661.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



171 



MK. A. SMITH is sorely troubled about the sea-shore of this island. 

lie has got. a notion that the QUBEN is always trying to g':t hold of it 

for HER MAJKSTV'S own puiposes, and he wanted a < < on the 

. NKY-GhNKUAL made great fun of him aud his sup- 

rxiiliiined the real theory of real property, namely, that all the 

land in England is imagined to be held by grant from the Crown, but 

it Crown holds the sea-shore in trust fur the whole community, 

;u)ii i licrcfore cannot either grab or prant it, and that the rights of the 

public are taken perfect care of. On division MK. tvMiTii and the 

other lie-Nereids were beaten by 17(5 to 07. Then another SMITH got 

up to bore abuut the Navy Estimates, but somebody happened to see 

that SMITH had only 28 Members to bore, whereupon that inhumanity 

was incontinently cut short. 

Wednesday. The Bill for letting Dissenters be Trustees of the 

Endowed Sclumls was to have gone into Committee, but the House 

seemed to think that enough had been done to please the Dissenters of 

late, and that, they were getting rather bumptious. And as these are 

Church of Kiiglaud schools (according to the accepted theory), the 

[ the Dissenters, who have nothing to do with paying for them, 

to come in and manage them, does not seem unconm .-. At all 

ucli orators us Dissent boasts in the llouse of Commons could 

jiui make out their case, and the Bill was ihrowu out by 200 to 171, 

amid loud Conservative cheering. 

Then came the You-niay-marry-your-wife's-sister-Bill, which was 
very briefly debated, and which met with an unaccustomed i 
generally passes the Commons, and then Lawn comes down on it with 
Leviticus, but to-day the Puseyit.es and others in the Commons 
managed to refuse the Second Reading by 177 to 172, and there .was 
more loud Conservative cheering. 

A Bill for preventing servant girls and glaziers from tumbling into 
the area when cleaning windows, was read a First Time. Mr. Punch 
lias not. yet had an opportunity of seeing the machinery by which this 
desirable object is to be brought about, but he begs distinctly to sny 
that, he is not going to have his beading pulled out and his sashes 
turned round, because tint knocks off the gilding and paint, and the 
windows never shut properly after such an operation. If Members of 
Parliament like to come with ladders, and clean his windows, outside, 
with their own pocket-handkerchiefs, he has no particular objection ; 
but they must distinctly understand that they are not to ask the 
publisher for beer. 

To-day did the VISCOUNT PALMEKSTON. Constable of Dover, and 
Warden of the Five Ports (name them, Wiscount, and don't begin 
with Sherry, because that's a bad joke. Eh, you can't ? VVe thought 
so), took the oaths and his seat, after his re-election for Tiverton, and 
recovery from gout. He was introduced by SIR GEORGE GREY and 
the LORD ADVOCATE FOR SCOTLAND, and did not seem particularly 
embarrassed. CONSTABLE PAM (A. 77) was loudly cheered ; and Mr. 
PUKC/I'S ineffable scream might hare been heard high above all the 
voices of the inferior creatures. He hopes that the Mansion House 
dinner, the same night, was "just the thing the doctor ordered," but 
Ci'iiiiT came rather close upon podagra. 

Thursday. On the question of the maltreatment of a British officer 
by the Prussian authorities, LOKD SHAFTKSBURY pronounced the mild 
decision, that "nothing can be more melancholy nor more inhospitable 
than the system of Prussian administration, from the highest to the 
lowest, functionary." That is a good sweeping Exeter Hall denun- 
ciation, much in the style in which the Philadelphionites consign all 
other sects to an indefinitely unpleasant hereafter ; but in the case of 
, LORD SiurrESBOfiy's clean sweep may. do but justice to the 
dirty sweeps of officials. 

There was a good deal of squabbling in the Commons on some points 
in the Estimates; but the noticeable portion of the discussion was an 
'awful castigatiou inflicted by the Constable on BERNAL OSBORKE. who 
had been letting off some dogmatic flippancies upon our military 
defences. PAM rebuked him for his presumption, exposed his mis- 
takes, and congratulated the country that, its defences did not depend 
upon his knowledge or decision. He described MK. OMIURKE'S style 
as the Light aud Violent. B. O. got so wrathful a' o forgot 

his manners, and said that LOKD PALJIEKSTOX was cross after 
colchicum an unlucky remark which of course the good-natured 
Constable turned round upon BERXAL, recommending him to take 
colchicum, which most persons were aware was a "sedative." On the 
whole, BERNAL got rather sat upon to-night and left out in the cold. 

Friday. LOBD ELLEKBOROTJGH, at great length, demanded what the 
Government was doing in reference to the POPE. LORD VVODEHOCSK, 
at great shortness, explained that the Government was d 
except, leaving Popish problems to Papist powers. LOBD DERBY said 
that, this was quite rifrht, but that the POPE ought to be free, and that, 
as LORD JOHN RUSSELL had said, Italy should be divided into two 
states, and then Rome, in the middle, would be no difficulty. How far 
the KIXG or ITALY, by the grace of GARIBALDI, will take this turning 
his dominions into a sandwich, with the Pore as ttie bit of meat, 
perhaps M. D'AZEGLIO will expound. 



LORD Pu.scii did not coerce his Mitrylebone vassals, and, as might 
have been expected, they availed themselves of I. i of 

course returned the wrong man. Instead of electing ' < t. 

COOKE, whom everybody knows and honour . r the dictation 

of a leash of shopkeepers, have elected a MK ; r.wis. who 

may have all the virtues and talents iu tbc world, but of whom all tliM 
is known at present U that he is a rich Irishman. This comes of Mr. 
Punch's generosity another time Muryleboue will get its bead Ir 
Mu. Lr.wistook his seat to-night, lie is, of cour*c, ul'ru -Liv rl iu 
profession, and pledged to vote that the moon is made < 
if his constituents take that astronomical view. 

Mu. B. COCUEANB asked whether Government would produce the 
recent despatches from Warsaw P LORD JOHN replied, first, that they 
would not ; and, secondly, that there were no rece.it despatches. 

An Indigo-Planter Debate, originated by MR. LAYARD, brought up 
! some facts of importance. The Constable was taken to task for letting 
'the Tiverton Volunteers accompany him at his election, 
' unconstitutional thing, and it need not be said that the Warden 
| explained the matter very jovially. There was some discussion about 
the Donegal eviction (the case in which a landlord, baffled in his 
endeavours to improve his estates, and incensed at the conduct of the 
tenants in secreting criminal!), has swept out a large number of per- 
sons), and the feeling of the House seemed to be, that there was a rood 
deal to be said on both sides. And, Volunteers, perpend. A Bill was 
brought in to exempt you from paying tolls, so you will be able to 
afford to buy extra copies of Punch to tend to your friends abroad. 
Will not that be nicer 1 




Bor (sings popular air). "I'd chootc lerlecr 

If 1 might be er flower. " 



EGGS AND YOKE. 
THE other day one of REUTER'S telegrams, dated Agram, said : 



"Tho Diet has been opened to-day. The Ban 
ovation on the oocuiou." 



i honoured with a popular 



We hope the Ban liked it. The ovation which he received at the 
hands of the people may for etymological and other reasons have been 
presumed to have been an egging. Tue Diet was naturally opened on 
the occasion, and the contents, diffused over the Ban's face, must have 
given it the appearance of a sweet omelet. We don't know who the 
present Ban of Croatia is ; but an ovation must have been just the 
thing for a JELLACUICH. 



A Delegate Question. 

CoMi'AitATivis are sometimes odious, as well as are comparisc . 
instance, when a clever workman is fool enough to listen to a pothouse- 
haunting Delegate, and to ruin himself by striking when his children 
are half-starving, instead of spying simply that .he is going to pot, 
would .it not place his folly iu a far more hateful light if it were 
observed that he was going to POTTIK 



172 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 27, 1861. 




Immense Stcell. " HAW ! LOOK HEAW ! IF I HAW TOOK A QUANTITY or THESE THINGS, WOULD THEY HAW BE CHEAPAW ? " 
Hosier. "WELL, SIB, THAT WOULD DEPEND! PRAY ARE Ttou IN THE TRADE?" [Feelings of Swell may be imagined. 



OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. 

" DEAR PUNCH, 

" You may recollect that in the first of these interesting 
letters I gave my thanks to two new actors who had just made their 
debut, for having each afforded me a pleasant evening's entertainment 
I considered their performances to be of no small promise, and this 
anticipation I am happy to confirm. Widely different as they are in 
the parts which they present, MR. DREW and MR. FECHTER have at, 
least this much in common, that their acting is unstagy, natural, and 
not forced, and free from the conventional absurdities of art. 1 visited , 
the Lyceum a night or two ago, and spent a pleasant hour in seeing 
MR. DREW, whom I shall be glad to re-welcome to our boards. The 
pieces that he played in were the trashiest of rubbish, but he had 
enough to do to show that he was capable of more ; and when next he ! 
comes to London, I hope he may be fitted with a part which is adapted 
to bring out his capacities, and give his talent proper scope. MR. 
DREW when on the stage is an Irishman all over, and does not betray 
his birthplace merely by his brogue. You will hear but few if any of 
the ' tare and ouns ! ' and the ' och murthers!' and the thousand and 
one other stale old stupid interjections wherewith stage Irishmen are 
wont to interlard their conversation. But in his utterance and tone 
and manner of expression, and perhaps even still more in his quaint ' 
angular deportment, you recognise the Irishman of actual existence, | 
free from the traditions of footlights and of greenrooms, and bringing ! 
a fresh vigour to the characters he plays. A piece more clumsy and 
worse-written than the Irish Emigrant it has very rarely been my 
misery to witness ; and it affords but little chance for the cleverest of : 
actors to interest the house. But MR. DREW made the utmost of the 
small talk that was given him ; and his pathos when half-starving, and 
first getting gift of food, fully showed him to be capable of something ! 
more than moving the laughter of his audience, to which the efforts of ' 
stage Irishmen are in general confined. 

" While I speak of stage tradition, I should like to make it clear 
that there are some pieces where it is most legitimately used, and 
which indeed without it lose their chief effect. Such a one lor instance 
is the Miller and his Men, which seems written to perpetuate the conven- 
tionalities of the stage, and which when robbed of them becomes a vapid 



stupid piece. As acted at the Haymarket, I think it a mistake, and 
the pains which have been taken to present it in new shape appear to 
me to have deprived it of its only real charm. I have no belief in 
Orindoff without a broad black belt, and yellow ochred boots ; and the 
man who would reform the hairy-faced and hoarse-voiced ruffian of 
my youth into the refined and polished scamp of later years, sadly 
interferes with many pleasurable memories, without giving me the 
chance of one to cherish in their stead. 

" There is a pretty little piece now playing at the Olympic, which 
they who like Miss LOUISE KEELEY should not miss the chance of 
seeing. It is called The Little Savage 1 beg your pardon, MR. 
AUTHOR, I mean the The Little Rebel and is translated, I believe, from 
Une Fills Terrible, whereas the other piece I mentioned is taken, I am 
told, from La Niase de Si. Fleur. (It is as well to be particular in 
owning obligations, lest one be charged with debts that one has really 
not incurred.) They who know Miss KEELEY'S sprightly, arch, 
expressive acting, may conceive how she impersonates a hoydenish 
young lady, who in order to disgust a superannuated suitor makes- 
believe to be a romping, just-emancipated schoolgirl, who half-strangles 
him with skipping-ropes and makes him play at ball. 

" The Chimney Corner still is an attraction at this theatre, and I 
doubt not pleases all who enjoyed the Porter's Knot. MR. HOBSON is 
well fitted with a character, of a sort that he has made peculiarly 
his own, and which abounds in quick transitions from alternate smiles 
to tears. 

"MR. GTE has been out tenor-fishing during the recess; and, after 
trying somewhere near the margin of Zurich's fair waters and other 
spots which are at times frequented by fine fish, he has landed a fine 
specimen, a SIGNOR TIBERINI, who may have sprung, for aught I 
know, from the banks of the Tiber. Leaving critics to determine 
whether or no he really be a tenor pur sang, and capable of giving out 
the vt de poitrine, I am content to recollect that he has pleased me as 
a singer, and as an actor has evinced himself well grounded in his art. 
If he have not the grace and sweetness of MARIO and B.UBINI, the 
energy of TAMBERLIK, or sustained notes of GIUGLINI, he has enough 
charms of his own to make his voice worth hearing ; and as a perfect 
tenor is rather a rare fish, I think we may congratulate the active 
MR. GTE on having made so good a catch. " ONE WHO PATS." 



PUNCH, OR TRK LONDON CHARTVART. APRIL 27. 




MASTER BULL AND HIS DENTIST. 

DENTIST. "DON'T CRY, MY LITTLE MAN! I'M NOT GOING TO DRAW ANY MORE THIS TIME, AND 

THERE'S A PENNY FOR YOU!" 



APRIL 27, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



178 



OUR ROVINQ CORRESPONDENT. 

"Mr DEAR PUNCH, 

"PORTO FRANCO is, as everyone knows, pleasantly situated 
I beg pardon situate, 1 believe, is the correct expression on the 
shores of the Mediterranean, and, as a watering-place, is much fre- 
quented in the autumnal months by the German and Russian nobility. 
Suites of apartments are prepared every season in the Albergo del 
Universo for his Serene Highness the PRiNCBOpSprrzifLEMANKOWand 
retinue, for the Duo DB GRUPPAU, the BARONESS KRATJTSTRUNK, and 
his Excellency COUNT BOWWOWSKI ; while in the hall of the Aquila 
Nera (the opposition hostelry) you may read the more familiar names 
of 'LADY ROWZER el famille,' MR. and MRS. SEYMOUR BROWNSB, 
GENERAL STALKER, MR. ADOLFHUS STALKER, and Miss STRIDE. 

" After the usual horrors of the Dogana (mitigated perhaps on this 

occasion by a few judiciously scattered francs), MR. DEWBERRY and 1 

1 established ourselves at the last-named inn on the night of our arrival, 

I and for that night only ; for the next day, on asking for our little bill, 

we were favoured with one of those curious results of double mnlti- 

I plication for which the hotel keepers at Porto Franco have long been 

justly celebrated. So after having paid it, and having beaten about in 

search 9f apartments, we took up our quarters at No. 999, Via di 

Bricconi : terzo piano. 

" You may suppose we were at first, as in duty bound, out all day in 
a fiacre 'doing' the various lions of this wonderful city. The Palazzo 
Publico, the Campo Cavalli, the Ponto Tenebroso, the famous Piazza 
fieale, and the Casa di' Cent'odore, have long been celebrated in 
history, and described again and again in numerous works, from LOUD 
TIMON'S noble verses down to Miss MADGE'S Memoranda Mediter- 
raneana. So I shall not trouble you with any information which is 
afforded in MR. ALBEMARLE'S excellent Handbook, where you will find 
all the necessary and appropriate quotations from the aforesaid valued 
writers, with as much more matter as you can conveniently remember. 
Indeed I fear that these letters will treat of subjects thoroughly 
modern and unromantic, and I shall humbly leave the fifteenth for the 
nineteenth century, nor trouble the heroes of a former age, while I 
describe the swells of the present. 

" DICK used to devote a good proportion of his time to that species 
of exercise which is generally known among y9ung gentlemen of like 
pursuits as ' loafing ; ' that is, walking about with no special object, but 
ready for any adventure which may turn up. In MB. DEWBERRY'S 
case, perhaps, the occupation assumed a more useful aspect, as he took 
care to note where the best tobacco was to be bought, what merchants 
retailed BASS'S famous ale, which of the hotels contained the greatest 
number of pretty girls, &o. &c. For my part, being always remarkable 
for industry, I devoted myself with great vigour to the various picture- 
galleries and churches in the City. I do not, however, intend to 
recount all that I did for the sake of my beloved art at Porto Franco. 
Perhaps the result of my researches will appear in the meetings of the 
Philographic Community. Perhaps I may be going to publish an essay 
' On the Pigments of Perugino.' Perhaps I look forward to the 
honour of being permitted to attach some score of capital letters to 
my at present obscure name I say perhaps and say no more. 

"I crave your indulgence for this digression, into which I have been 
unconsciously led in a moment of ambition, and beg to resume my 
narrative. 

" I came across some curious people in the course of my stay at 
Porto Franco, and when DICK and I met of an evening over a pipe, we 
used to relate to each other our respective adventures, sitting up, as 
I am ashamed to add, until a most unconscionable hour in the morning, 
whereas every well-conducted English traveller in Italy ought to be in 
bed and asleep by 9 o'clock, P.M., if we may put any faith in the rules 
laid down in MR. ALHEMARLE'S crimson compendium. 

" The first of our beloved countrymen whom I had the pleasure to 
meet was MR. BOWPEN, Architect and Surveyor to the district of 
Stuccotown, N. \V. I give his title in full for the benefit of my readers, 
because, to say the honest truth, I bad never heard of that talented 
gentleman (at which he seemed much surprised) until he introduced 
himself to me at Porto Franco in the manner following, videlicet 

" I was sitting one morning in the church of San Goggolo, very 
intent upon a sketch that I was making, when I suddenly became 
aware of a strong flavour of stale and rather questionable tobacco, and 
chancing to look over my shoulder, saw MR. B. there, grinning. 

" ' Go hon,' said he, 'don't mind me brother chip, you know all 
in the way o' trade. 1 say got a bit of Hingey-rubber about you, to 
lend a chap P I 'ye lost mine.' 

" His fingers were not oyer-clean, and I thought that giving him a 
piece of the article in question was preferable to lending him the whole. 
So I began to cut off a bit with my penknife. 

11 ' I lullo ! ' said MR. BOWPEN, ' what are you hup to ? No call for 
that, you know give it back to you in arf a minnit.' And, snatching 
it up, he ran off. After a little time, hf- came back. 'Nice bit, aint 
it?' said he, looking at my sketch, '/did it, yes'day. I say! you 
aint. a liarchiteck, are yer ? ' 

"'No,' said I. 



" ' No ; I thought not by your drawering/ ham.' 

" I congratulated him on his advantage. 

'"liar, yes, it's all very well,' he added, 'but then you fellers, 
you painters, top us in colour, you know. There's very few harchitecks 
twigs anything about colour. D'ye know'ORROCK.s?' 

''I was obliged to admit that " 



chap, / can tell you,' said Mi. BOWTE, with a 
Colours fust-rate, and no mistake. I say,' said he, 



I didn't. 

" ' Not know 'ORROCKS the harchiteck ! 

"'No.' 

"'Dam clever 

terrific wink. 'Colours , . 

' 'scuse me, you know, but them pillars ain't straight them on the 
paper I mean the drawering 's hout.' 

" I told him I knew it, and intended to alter the mistake. 

' ' Never mind, though,' added MR, B. quite consolingly, ' It Ml make 
a pretty drawering for all that, mind you. Got your sliadders in bold 
and sharp ! ' 

" (It was quite impossible for me to go on with my work, so I rose 
from my seat for a minute or two, hoping he would go; but he didn't.) 

" ' Yes ! nice bit,' said he. musingly ; ' but after all, wot is it? ' (with 
a mock Italian gesture). 'What is it? The churches here ain't worth 
a jigger no, not half a jigger ! ' 

While I was speculating what amount of intrinsic value the latter 
substantive might represent, he went on : 

' ' Nothing like the Habbey. after all give me the Habbey, / say.' 

" ' I beg your pardon ? ' said I, not quite understanding. 

'"The Habbey!' said MR, BOWPEN, emphatically. 'Our hone 
Westminster ! That 's your sort. Give me the Habbey, / say 1 ' 

" (I wished it had been in my power to do so, or anything, to get 
rid of him.) 

'"But, Lor, what a place this Porto Franco is!' continued Ms. 
BOWPEN, apostrophising. 'What a rum, what a dam rum place! 
Just think how many ban* and hages I say,' said he, as if suddenly 
struck with a new idea, Men the Pescaria yet P ' 

" ' No, Sir,' said I, in a great rage, and wishing, I am ashamed to 
add, he was at that moment tied down at the bottom of a roomy fish- 
basket in that emporium. 

" ' Not seen the Pescaria ? Why 'ow long 'ave you bin "ere ? ' 

"'Just arrived.' 

" 'Ho, ah jist come! that's another pair of shoes,' said my tor- 
mentor, mollified, 'I've bin 'ere two months and 'aven't seen arf. 
You '11 'ave to look sharp if yon want to DO the place well Work 
away, my boy that 's right make your 'ay while the sun shines is 
my morter. Hullo, what's that? twelve o'clock P I must be off to 
'ave my fajjey-oley (fagiuoli), know what that is, don't you? Arryco 
beans boiled in the soup capital thing for lunch always 'ave a basin 
of fajjey-oley in the middle of the day can't dine early like the natives 
blows you out so for the afternoon couldn't work if I did. I say, 
give us a look up, will yer ? 'Appy to see you any evening in a quiet 
way, as the burglar said when he muffled the alarm bell. Stop a bit, 
there 's my fart d vitit,' and I read 



MR. BENJAMIN BOWl'KN, 

^rcbittrt anb SfnrbtijoT. 
43, SCAQLIOLA PLACE, 

STUCCOTOWM, N.W. 



" ' Thank you, Sir,' said I (for you see I never like to offend a man 
if I can help it). ' I have n't a card about me at this moment, but I 
lodge in the Via Bricconi,' and I gave him my address, fondly hoping 
he would lose it. 

"'All right,' said MR. B., going off, 'oreyvor.' Suddenly he 
stopped and came back. 

'"By the way,' said he, 'I think you said yon did not know 
'ORROCKS P ' 

"'Yes, said I, why?' 

" ' Oh, nothing ! never mind ta-ta doesn't signify," and here Mi. 
BOWPEN went off to his ' fajjey-oley,' and to the great relief of 

" Your humble servant, 
" JACK EASEL." 

Right at Last. 

A GENTLEMAN, who for some time past, has been trying with all his 
might to make a joke upon Marylebone, is delighted at the opportunity 
of being able to say that, in consequence of the election, it has of 
course oeen the " BOM of contention." We like encouraging young 
i beginners, and that is our only excuse for putting before the reader so 
miserable an attempt, the extreme weakness of which would disgrace 
even a Member of Parliament. 



17G 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 27, 1861. 




ODE TO A YOUNG BAKKISTEK. 

MY son, contending for the prize 
Of Life's hard battle ; bent to rise 
And climb, if Fate thy struggles back, 
That arduous height, the wool-stuffed Sack, 

War's sinews for the heavy contest needing, , 
Thou must, if thou the palm wouldst win, . 
Provide thyself with present tin, 

Few victories are gained without much bleeding. 

Oh, then, with an attentive mind, 
Think with what spell to raise the wind ! 
Look round thee if thou canst discern 
Some way the wherewithal to earn ; 

But if thou canst no better do than borrow, 
Betake thee to some trusting; friend, 
At moderate usance who will lend, 

Or thou wilt book thyself for future sorrow. 



GADDY'S ACADEMY PICTURE ON VIEW. 

ART CRITIC. "You see you've got the Duke seated and the Duchess standing up. Now 
couldn't you make the Duc/iess sitting down and the Duke standing up 1 " 

[But GADDY fears the Council will not put off the Exhibition for a couple of months 
to enable him to take advantage o his Friend's valuable suggestion. 



SETTLEMENT OF THE ITALIAN QUESTION. 

WHAT right has the College of Cardinals to choose a 
sovereign for the people of the Roman States f Thi& 

| question should be answered by the sticklers for the 
POPE'S temporal authority. They insist on his prescrip- 
tive rights, as though he were a legitimate monarch ; 
whereas he is merely an elective one, and one elected, 
not by the people, but only by a set of priests. These 
C9nsiderations suggest an easy settlement of the Italian 
difficulty. Let Louis NAPOLEON, VICTOR EMMANUEL, 
and GARIBALDI agree to allow his Holiness to remain 
where he is for the present, sitting in the chair of 
BoiiGlA, supported comfortably on French bayonets, 
with seat and cushion intervening between their points 
and his person. Let the Holy Father enjoy a life- 
interest in that position. But let their Eminences have 
due notice that the next Pope they elect, they must 
elect him simply for their own Bishop; and that he 
must take the Pontificate as it will come to him, a 

| purely spiritual office, and accept the triple hat without 
any crown. 

Steel versus Wood. 

IN the next naval war, if an enemy's fleet has to be 
cut out, a new style of engraving will have to be intro- 
duced, for whereas formerly our ships were only wooden 
blocks, they have now steel plates. BRITANNIA, when- 
ever she turns her trident into an etching-needle, will 
make just as good a mark with the latter as with the 
former. By the bye, when these steel plates want touch- 
ing up, they will have, we suppose, to be taken not into 
a graver's but an engraver's dock ? 



A DIG AT THE DELEGATES. 

DURING the late Strike (we believe that we may speak of it now in 
the past tense) we often heard the question, " Who are these Trade 
Delegates of whom we hear so much, and who seem, by all accounts, 
to be doing so much mischief?" Now, as ignorance is not always 
bliss, we think it may do good if information on the matter be made 
generally known, and there is no way that we know of to make it 
known more widely than through the world-pervading medium of 
Punch. Give ear, then, ye rustics, and ye town workmen also. 
These be striking truths, which all on strike should pay good 
heed to. 

A Delegate is generally a lazy, idle lout, who likes to sit and talk 
much better than to work ; and who, considering himself as being 
"gifted with the gab," tries to foster small dissensions and causes of 
dispute, that he may have the pleasure of hearing himself prate about 
them. In other words, he is a drone that goes buzzing about the beer- 
shops, and living upon the honey that the working bees have toiled 
for. His business is to set a man against his master, and to keep afloat 
the Unions that tend to nurture Strikes, by giving men a false idea of 
their own strength, and underrating the resources and resistance of 
employers. Having duped the shallow-pated to elect him as their 
mouthpiece, and being paid by them to lead a lazy life in looking to 
what he is pleased to call their interests, the Delegate grows fat on 
their starvation and their strikes, and what is death to them becomes 
to him the means of life. Fancied grievances and most unreasonable 
demands the Delegate endeavours to encourage and support, for 
squabbling brings him into notice and his tongue into full play, and 



raises his importance in the pothouse-haunting world. A claim for 
ten hours' pay for only nine hours' work, is just the sort of trade 
demand that a Delegate delights in ; for he knows that its injustice 
must prevent its being listened to, and he will have the chance of 
swigging nightly, gratis, pots of beer while denouncing the iniquity of 
the rapacious masters, in all the frothy eloquence of a' public-house 
harangue. 

As nobody but a fool would submit to have his earnings eaten into 
by a sloth, it is the business of the Delegate to clap a stop on clever- 
ness, and keep the brains of working-men down to the muddle-pated 
level of those who are his tools. He, of course, fears the quick sight 
of any workman of intelligence, lest it may see through his iniquitous 
designs. He, therefore, gets the best hands marked on the Black List, 
and does the utmost in his power to reduce the active, skilful, and 
industrious working-man to the standard of the stupid, slothful, 
sluggish sot. Britons may keep boasting that they never will be 
slaves, but so long as MK. POTTER and his myrmidons have sway, the 
slavery of negroes is not more complete. 

As the law at present stands, a few months on the treadmill is the 
most that can be given as a punishment to Delegates who illegally 
prevent a man from working where he likes. But when we see a 
national work suspended through their means (as was a month ago the 
case with the new Exhibition Building), we feel tempted to suggest 
that a suspension of the works should be followed now and then by a 
suspension of a Delegate. 



LATEST DEFINITION OF M.P. Marylebone Pet. 



APRIL 27, 1861.] 



(IT, OR THE LONDON rilAKlVAKI. 



177 



KING BUMBLE OF MARYLEBONE. 

GREAT BUKBLE mightiest of Kings whose throne 
Looms high and haughty over Marylebone, 
Within whose vestry-room, a big Bashaw, 
Thou rnl'st the rate, and layest down the law 
Local self-government's triumphant son 
Unfetter" d majesty of Number One 
Fresh from the 'Tizer or the 3fornie Star 
Guide of the tap, and leader of the bar 
Student sublime in penny-wisdom's school 
Great art thou in thj hour of vestry rule, 
Sneering humanitarian humbug down 
With Beadledom's big voice and savage frown, 
Putting on jobs a face of stubborn brass, 
And writing down who differs with thee ASS ; 
'Gainst Central checks still warring to the knife, 
And saving rates at the expense of lite : 
Mighty to teach thin Chaplains whence their bread, 
To snub pert Doctors, better taught than fed, 
< )r to crush sunken paupers lower still, 
That Poor-Law Boards may rev'rence BUXBLB'S wilL 

Great art thou, too, in genial hours of ease, 
When nor job calls, nor vile Inspectors tease; 
Whether within the tap thou spend'st thy noons 
King of clay-pipes, and sovereign o'er spittoons 
Or, venting oracles behind thy smoke, 
In frowzy club-room craok'st the midnight joke, 
Or, taking what thou wilt not give a drain 
Heark'nest the nigger minstrels' graceful strain. 
Thine is the graceful pleasantry that grows 
From calling names to pulling by the nose ; 
Thine British drinks hot with or cold without, 
The quassia'd ale, or treacle-coloured stout ; 
No light, low-tanffed foreign wines for thee 
Leave them to washerwomen tired of tea 
KING BUMBLE needs a more sustaining tap, 
His brain in muddled majesty to wrap, 
To feed the mulberry blossoms on his nose, 
And in his bloated cheek maintain the rose. 

But if thou'rt great in act of Vestry-power 
Great in the public-house's festive hour- 
Greater by ten- and twenty-fold art thou. 
When an Election bids thy subjects bow ! 
Oh, 'tis a sight England alone can show, 
(Unless America the like may know,) 
The struggle who shall kiss thy greasy palm, 
Who smooth thy moods with flattery's oiliest balm, 
Who lowest grovel at thy dirty foot, 
Who lick moat mud from thy unsavoury hoot, 
Who, at thy bidding, nimblest turn his coat. 
Or gulp down pledges with the readiest throat. 
Then art thou every inch a king, when, bowed 
And bowing, thy poor slaves the hustings crowd, 
And offer up themselves, obsequious still, 
To pelt, poke fun at, hoot, howl down, at will. 
Praying, all abject, that their King will deign 
To put them to the question once again ! 
True Christians they when the left cheek you smite, 
They turn to you, submissively, the right, 
" W ilt please your Majesty repeat the blow 
Too happy to amuse my sovereign so." 
" But condescend once more my powers to try 
Of eating toads and swallowing humble-pie." 
"Nay, Sire, a rarer sport your slave affords : 
Before your throne /'// eat up my own woi 
"A Six-pound Franchise SKOBSOS recommends ; 
For Household Suffrage / go in, my friends ; 
And if for Household Suffrage SNOBSOS call, 
For Universal I 'm prepared to bawl ; 
If he goes the whole hog, I '11 let him know 
I am the man a wholler hog to go 
Under his lowest deep I '11 find a deep more low ! " 

At country-fair or wake so have I seen, 
Upon the stage that decks the village green, 
Amid the peasant minstrels' brazen din, 
Ambitious rustics through horse-collars grin. 
And he for such the rule that guides their play 
Who grins the widest bears the prize away. 
So have I seen four rival clods, set high, 
In eating red-hot hasty-pudding vie, 
And his the honours of that painful feast 
Who eat the fastest, and who winced the le 



Like games are thine, but on a scale for gods 

Who hast would-be M.I' s for village clods; 

To grin through Bumbledom's horse-collars wide, 

And eat the dirty puddings you provide. 

For the rude village stage, the scene they grace, 

Is the tall hustings reared in Portland Place. 

For hat, or smock, or leg-of-mutton thin, 

A seat in Parliament 's the prize they win : 

And for the judgment of the rustic crowd, 

Kixo BUMBLE'S mighty will is law avowed ! 





RANKS ON BOAKD SHIP. 

nusrae the Tinti, we ob- 
served a novelty in naval 
icnts thus pro- 
by a Portsmouth 
dent of that 
journal, with a view to 
prevent the evils of the 
present system of paying 
tailors : 

" Th rimplo ptn to remedy 
11 tfal* I* now bft>n the Admi- 
ralty, and there my to bopee of 
IU being at nm tfn> adopted. 
Thta pUn to the oUbltolimcnt 
o< tank* on board eeoh ship in 
oommtaion. the men reeeiTing 
fairnMoriutaroif 

We read the foregoing 
at breakfast; when, sud- 
denly, a quick succession 
of raps upon' the table 
made the tea-things dance. 
Having, as the editor of 
the Spiritual Magazite 
lays, changed our opinions 
on the subject of Spiritual- 
ism, we immediately seized 
an alphabet, in order to see 
if the knocks proceeded 
from any spirit desirous of communicating any message. The 
invisible agent knocked out "Ship ahoy!' r Fact. We directly 
answered " Yoho !" to which the reply was "Avast! Belay there!" 
We then shouted, "Who are you?" and the spirit responded 
"DIBDIK!" whereupon we put the question, "What cheer, ho ?' 
but instead of directly answering that interrogatory, our unseen 
visitant gave some violent raps, the letters corresponding whereunto 
spelt "Shiver my timbers!" In reply to further inquiries, the 
spirit said, that he was in a good berth, but that his rest was dis- 
turbed by the idea of sucb a prodigious innovation as that of a 
bank on board ship, which he could conceive to be capable of serving 
no purpose with regard to JACK, who spent most of his money 
in helping messmates in distress, and the remainder in purchasing 
watches to fry, except that of supplying him with notes to light his 
pipe with. A sweet little Providence sat up aloft to keep watch for 
the life of poor JACK ; but poor JACK had no providence of his own, 
and must now have become rich JACK to be ever in a position to pot 
money in a bank. "If JACK required a bank on board ship, scuttle his 
scuppers, JACK was not what he used to be, d'ye see, but another guess 
sort of fellow." Having delivered this opinion, the spirit wished us 
good-bye, saying that he must now go, because all hands were piped aloft. 
Whosoever shall refuse to credit the foregoing narrative, let him be 
confounded. He is a prejudiced, unreasoning bigot, who will not. 
investigate facts for himself, nor allow due weight to the testimony of 
others. ^^^ 

A Complete Disguise. 

AN Englishman and Roman were walking through the galleries of 
the Vatican, where certain statues and pictures have been slightly 
clothed so as not to shock the minds of purists as fastidious as the late 
Krao or NAPLES, when the Englishman made some alluaion in the 
course of conversation, to the "naked Truth." "Excuse me, Sir 
replied the lloman, halt plaintively, "the Truth is no longer allowed 
to go naked in Rome-good care is taken that it shall be draped by a 
Cardinal." 

" BLISS HKB DBAS SIDES." 

Tin French have just launched another steel frigate, but our Admi- 
ralty are so slow with theirs that BBITAXXIA, in her leisure moment?, 
will have plenty of time to sing, " Still, so gently o'er me **Btf. 



178 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 27, 1861. 




CABBY. 



" There, now, if that ain't ungrateful goes and 'ins 'im in preference to me as wotedfor the Saturday 'alf'olidav, let alone 

'ailin' mefust. Shame!" 



. CIVIL SERVICE NEWS. Mr. Charles W. Brigstocks has bought 
himself twelve new reversible collars, marked C. W. B. Mr. Joseph 
Jagg has received notice from his landlady to quit at Midsummer 
because he snores so. Mr. Tobias E. Griffins has gone through his 
examination of his old clothes, and has parted with portions thereof to 
Mr. issachar Moses. Mr. Erasmus P. Linkinshop has got that invi- 
tation for the Lesleys' ball on the 29th, and isn't he cocky? Mr. Josiali 
1 aling has split his trousers in the most awful manner by getting over 
a gate as he came home from drill. Mr. Jackson J. Johnson has pro- 
posed lor ilpra Windermere, and if he can get the tin together, they 
wd be married m August. Mr. Martin Swallow is going to give up 
M i and tobacco, m compliance with the imperative requisition of 
his medical man Mr. Tardykanute Dawdle got a severe wigging from 
e head of his department on Tuesday for bringing a Skye terrier into 
the office and letting the animal bite a deputation. Mr. Jawley Whopps 

n ffk, j? a ^f f0r ^ Prm 5? 8 tJ"* 4 for Monday week, and means 
to take his sisters to see M. Fechter. Mr. Archibald Sucker is laid 
consequent upon his extreme exertions to colour a 

T^'^fTS F lmcher has final| y quarrelled with 
i 6 Int . OXICa ^d Salmon, on the evening paper question, 

l P r n 1? CU f t0m - t0 tbe , I ,y fur i ate , d Lobster. Mr. Eustace 
learning to swim, and Mr. Beckwith gives a very good 
account of him, but wishes he would not blow so. Mr. Young Codings 
mlh r?Joh USe!l b - y , Mi l S F atilda Ju l e P' on the alleged ground ofhl 
IpSbutmoreroa that of to High-Low 



h, ' 

the Family: Journal, 

James X. Bungaree o muc o rn on ednesday last, and 

Tfillino-TT r marks toUsmother-in-law about her alleged turpitude 
in nlling up the Census. Civil Service Ga;etle. 



Great Soreness felt by Russia. 

f, H J *i 0lish Tf'j 8 !?^ brin F s us news of a revolutionary character 
from a place called "Thorn." For once the telegraph speaks truth, 

S^ * n , ot merel y a P^ but the whole of 
a thorn in the side of Russia. 




A NEW FASHION. 

WE are continually being told that "Pride will have a fall," but we 
never could understand it. As Pride is never ashamed of showing her 
ieatures, but on the contrary is rather proud of displaying them bein"- 
generally noted for the unabashed boldness of her countenance we do 
not see the necessity why she should have a Fall, when it is very clear 
that she does not want one. Now, if it were Prudery/instead of Pride 
we could the better appreciate the force of the meaning; for the 
iall would be of use to Prudery, to enable her to smirk and leer and 
make pretences of blushing behind it ; and we can only say that the 
sooner Prudery does have a Fall, or in other words, takes the veil, the 
more highly we shall be pleased, for we are sure that no one ever wants 
to see her ugly face again. 



Un-English Slang. 

THE phrase "project of law" is getting familiar to the public eye 
by repeatedly occurring m REUTER'S telegrams. Continental nations 
may please to describe the measures introduced into their "Chambers" 
as projects of law," but it is to be hoped that reporters of the pro- 
ceedings of the British Legislature will continue to call a proposed 
enactment by the good old parliamentary name of Bill. We are anxious 
to keep all foreign rubbish such as "interpellations," "complications," 
and projects of law," from tumbling into our well of English 
undeflled. 

A lady's Verdict on the Marylebone Election. 

THE name of MR. TWBLVETREES being mentioned in the presence 
H a lady, who is a kind of female BERNAL OSBOKNE in petticoats, so 
great is her reputation for saying happy things, she exclaimed, with 
the most charmingly-feigned innocence, " What a very curious name ! 
1 wonder if MR. TWELVETREES came originally from Sevenoaks. The 
latter may have been younger branches of the same family, you 
know ? " 

" GOING TO COVER "The Royal Exchange. 



ESBSF^"-^^^ 



MAY 4. 1861.] 



on Tin: T.OM>O\ en M:;YARI. 




SACRED BEAR GARDENS. 

DEPRECATIM; the taaetn ent of 
the proposed Nonconformists' 
Burial Hill, the Morning Pott in a 
recent article, argued that if that 
measure became law, and dissent 
ing ministers were accordingly em- 
powered to read funeral servicri 
in Church burying grounds, the 
next concession Dissenters would 
demand would be that of liberty 
to perform part of the service also 
within the churches. And then : 

"Ooco throw th churches open to 
all sorts and conditlona of modern dis- 
ent. au 1 there will I* no end to the con- 
Dlsputes will arise u to the 
modes of service, the nlatlre claims to 
this or that portion of the ground, and 
to this or that time of the da; for service.' 

Yes; and disputes may even 
arise as to the costume wherein 
the minister is to officiate. The 
consequences may be busing, boot- 
ing, whistling, stamping, coughing, 
crowing, scuflliug, and fighting. In 
churches open to Dissenters differ- 
ing from one another, it certainly 
is very probable that there would 
sometimes be rows resembling 
those which, within the memory of 
man, have occurred at St. Barnabas, 
Pimlico, and St. George's-in-the- 
East. 



* >kool Teacher. "On, JOHNNY, I'M SHOCKED TO SEE TOU PLATING WITH TOUH TOP. 

SHOULD LEAVE TOUR TOTS AT HOMK ON A SUNDAY!" 

Johnny (quid-, tut impudent}. " THEN WHY DO TOU COME OUT WITH YOUR HOOP ? " 



You 



A Fatal Mistake. 

FOOLHARDY buffoons sometimes 
attempt too much. They risk their 
necks as extraordinary acrobats, 
and turn out to be mere tumblers. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

APRIL' 22, Monday. British subjects who possess personal property 
have no business abroad, because, if they have the means of living in 
England, where, only, Punch can be procured on the day of publication, 
it is wantonly making light of their privileges to be out of the way of 
that great advantage. However, there may be exceptional cases, and 
as at present no British subject who makes a Will when he is abroad 
has the slightest certainty that he has made it in the proper way, and 
as the personalty is pretty sure to be expended in the personalities of 
law, LORD KINGSDOWN (MR. P. LEIGH) is to be commended for 
bringing in a Bill to provide that a will of personalty thall be valid, 
whether made according to the law in foreign parts, or according to 
the domicile of the testator. The excellent Post Office Sayings' Bank 
Bill went through Second lleadinpr, but the intelligent British public, 
into whose head it is excessively difficult to beat any new system (and 
which still directs its letters to "James Thompson, Esq , 300, Cheap- 
tide, E.G.," because that name and address were given in the form 
issued by SIR ROWLAND) must understand that it is not to regard the 
letter-slits in the light ot the slit in the domestic money-box, nor to 
suppose that if a penuy is dropped into the letter-column at Hammer- 
smith, it may be asked for at the receiving-house at Poplar that day 
two years. Mr. Punch foresees a good deal of trouble to himself iii 
getting this new system into gear, but the object is so good that he 
intends to take the public in hand. 

LORD RAYNHAM proposed to MR. GLADSTONE to lay a tax on 
Linendrapers 1 Shopmen, in order to drive I hose elegant beings to more 
manly work, and to substitute women behind the counters. MR. 
GLADSTONE said that it might not be unfair to do something for 
women, especially as in some trades a systematic resistance is made by 
the men to the employment of feminine labour, but he did not quite 
see his way to getting coin out of the counterjumper. 

The Budget Debate began, and went through this night and that of 
Thursday, when it was adjourned until the Monday following. MR. 
THOMAS BARING made an elaborate speech against the Budget, and 
thought that we ought to look forward to a deplorable financial future 
and not remit taxes. MR. WHITE said what can it matter what MR. 
WHITE saiH ? MR. BAXTER defended the scheme of MR. GLADSTONE, 
and the battledore and shuttlecock business continued until midnight, 
MK. BEKTIMCK'S tirade against things in general being the most 



amusing feature of the evening. There was much grumbling, bat the 
Opposition did not offer to fight. 

Tuetday. SIB JOSEPH I'AXTON. with the instinct of a true lover of 
the Landscape, demanded whether Government really contemplated 
the letting the Agricultural Society bring their fat pigs, ploughing 
machines, and mangle wurzle (sped it right, Wiscount) into Hyde 
Park in 1S62? MR. Cow PER made an evasive kind of answer, and 
I bought that " some " park might be used for the purpose. JJr. Punch 
hereby invites SIR JOSEPH to stick to this party COWPEH, who is a 
good man, but has no moral pluck, and would give up the QUEEN'S 
private flower-garden if Swelldom put the screw upon him. tie may 
stick the beasts in Battersea Park, if he likes, as there is nothing to 
spoil, and nobody goes there, and it would be the making of the 
locality. But we really cannot have the other place desecrated, though 
cattle may not seem out of place in Hide Park, as it was originally 
called. 

MR. BERKELEY brought on his Ballot motion, lie is a valiant old 
man, but Punch is reminded of a fine passage in the Lord of the lilts. 
The Ballot battle stagnates : 

" DOUGLAS leans on hi* war-sword now, 
And WILLIAMS wipes hU moistened brow. 
DrxcOMBS undoea hi Tijior clasp, 
And ATHF.RTON for air mint gasp. 
And BERN AL OSBORNE quita hi ipear. 
And stake thy falchion. UASJ or BEER, 
The blows of BERKELEY fall lew fast, 
And gallant GIBSON'S bugle blast 

Has lost iu lively tone. 
Sinks, brave Jonx BRIGHT, thy battle-word. 
And BRADY'S shout Is fainter heard, 
' Meo merry men, foight on.' " 

It will be evident to an acute reader that JJr. Punch introduced this 
citation chiefly because BERKELEY and DOUGLAS, being proposer and 
seconder of the motion, two of SIR WALTER'S lines cm be given in- 
tact, and J/r. P. distinctly states that he has not the slightest reason 
for affirming that the SOLICITOR-GENERAL was out of breath, or that 
the Wiscount had a tendency to perspiration. To return to our sheep? 
when the said mover and seconder had affirmed that the Ballot 
would bring in the Millennium, the House "answered not but with its 
legs," as Morose, in The Silent Woman, desires Cxtteard to do. J 
walked into the lobby, and declined the Berkleian Millennium by 279 
to 151. 



180 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAT 4, 1861. 



Wednesday. The old Universities return Members to Parliament, 
and the constituency is a curious one. The voters are the Masters of 
Arts, and they are, of course, scattered all over the country, and 
indeed over the world. It is proposed that, instead of giving an M. A. 
not in residence, the trouble and expense of coming to his University 
to vote, the scholarly character of his franchise shall be still further 
indicated by its being permitted to him to write his vote, and send it 
to head-quarters. There is much to be said in favour of this plan, but 
what is to be said against it is, that inasmuch as nearly all the Clergy 
are Masters of Arts, you will be giving the Clerical element a huge 
preponderance. All the stupid bigoted Welsh Curates and their 
congeners, the worthy and disagreeable men who live in small 
villages, and get a habit of regarding everything in a village way, the 
excellent pig-heads who quarrel with the Dissenters on little points 
that a priest of the world would smile at, all this mass of conscientious 
small-mindedness will be brought to bear upon the elections. Distance, 
time, trouble, expense keep a majority of these parsons from voting 
now, but when they can vote for a penny, they will pour in their papers, 
and Tve shall see such a man as the Record would support (can we 
say anything more contemptuous?) aided to overthrow a Gladstone, 
i Macaulay, a Carlyle, or a Thackeray, or some other candidate who 
would be an ornament to the House of Commons and a stone of 
stumbling to bigotry. On the whole, therefore, and in the interests 
of the Universities, Jfr. Punch thought it better to refer the Bill to a 
Select Committee, which of course was done at his suggestion. 

SIR MORTON PETO. but LORD PUNCH said a precious good thing 
r,o /<'*, and that must be told here. You know the great fishmonger's 
at the top of Parliament Street don't the salmon look scrumptious ? 
Well, on Wednesday, the MARCHIONESS OF Puses had (respectfully) 
requested her Lord to send home some fish, and he, immersed in 
thought for the good of the nation, passed the shop without thinking 
of the request. But, remembering it, he hurried affably back, and SIR 
M. PETO was standing, admiring some red mullet. " Did you want to 
speak to me?" said SIR M. P. to LORD P. "No," said LORD P., 
quoting the classical speech of the ancient Gladiator 

"Non te, Peto, piscem peto." 

Upon which, SIR M., delighted, was moving off, but LORD P., con; 
tinuing the speech of the Retiarius, added, " Quid me fugis, Gallef 
(Oalle, on the present occasion, Wiscount, means Old Cock). And, 
after ordering a few salmons, they went down to the House together, 
laughing like fun, and in capital spirits, to discuss the Bill for burying 
Dissenters. 

This Bill is squashed, so there is no use in talking about it ; but its 
intention was to permit Dissenters to bury in Church of England 
churchyards, with whatever forms, or absence of forms, they might 
please. The Jumpers might have come and lumped over a deceased 
friend, and the Shakers might have taken and shaken him, and people who 
have even briefer rituals, for instance, folks like the woman MADEN, 
who has again been making a fool of herself in a court of justice, might 
have stood upon the tomb, and proclaimed the doctrine that " we dies 
like dogs." These processes would have been very distasteful to 
right-minded people, and the House of Commons, by 236 to 155, 
majority 81, voted for preserving the sanctity of our kst earthly 
home. 

Thursday. A queer petition was presented from some Worcestershire 
attorney, who complained that at the Assizes for that county he had 
been severely and unjustly walked into by MR. HTJDDLESTON, Q.C., 
and he wants the law altered so that MR. HUDDLESTON may not be 
able to walk into him in future. As that eminently courteous barrister 
is about the last man likely to say anything harsh or inconsiderate, 

iir. Punch will not give his llqyal Assent to the proposed alteration of 
the law until he has further evidence before him. 

The Budget Debate was resumed, as aforesaid, and MR. SEYMOUR 
FITZGERALD and MR. MILNER GIBSON did battle. A great lot of 
nobodies talked in a grocerly way about tea and sugar the epider 
class is by no means so absent from our Chamber as the French think. 
Later, MR. SAM SLICK made a vehement speech against MR. GLAD- 
STONE, whom he curiously charged with ridiculing the people of 
Canada ; and MR. BERNAL OSBORNE (saying that he had received a les- 
son not to be Light or Violent) made some fun of MR. SLICK. MAJOR 
EDWARDS, who may have dined out, for he called the SPEAKER 

' Gentlemen," termed the cheap newspapers " the penny-a-lining 
interest," for which this Major (he is only a Yeomanry Major, mind, 
and partner in some mercantile firm, which facts extenuate his intensely 
aristocratic feelings) was well castigated by JOHN MAGunus of Cork, 
more power to his elbow. 

DR. BRADY tried to get a Select Committee appointed to consider 
the Street-Railway question, but this respected Apothecary is not 
celebrated for his successful treatment of popular complaints, and the 
House would not follow bis prescription, thinking perhaps that he 
understands Opiates better than Sleepers. 

Friday. The conversazione was short, but a good many topics came 
up. LORD PALMERSTON made some exceeding biting remarks upon 



the Prussian administration, apropos of the MACDONALD case, and 
declared that the Prussian Government had behaved in a way that 
was most unfriendly, and unworthy of a country in alliance with 
(he should have said under the patronage of) England. Won't the 
beery beggars be riled, and shan't we have infuriated scoffs at the 
PREMIER ? The question of flogging boys in prisons, came up, and 
Members took different sides, some thinking the punishment cruel, 
and others defending it because they themselves were flogged at Eton. 
At the latter seat of instruction it is etiquette not to bellow under the 
rod, but to look as if you rather liked it, or, at all events, are obliged 
to the Doctor for his trouble ; but this rt Qnement is not comprehended 

i by plebeian offenders, who, it seems, howl with all their might. The 
Constable could not say whether the POPE was going to appoint a 
successor or not. Mr. Pitneh regrets to add that the indictable 

[nuisance, the East Wind, has actually violated propriety so far as 

j to iifllict the SPEAKER with neuralgia, and incapacitate him for 
the Chair, though whether an attack of that prettily named com- 
plaint be not preferable to a Budget Debate, MR. DENISON has now 

] an opportunity of deciding. Happy will Mr. Punch be to say with 
OVID, Emus ad jtaroram rtaeesU meantime he makes everybody else a 

' roarer. 



SCOTCH HUSBANDRY. 

E subjoin an advertise- 
ment taken from the 
Glasgow Herald. It 
suggests the expectation 
that the Census Returns 
for Scotland will show a 
great preponderance of 
the female part of the 
population. Men must 
be scarce in the matri- 
monial market to render 
such an offer worth ad- 
vertising ; and if it were 
not, the advertiser pro- 
bably would never have 
gone to the expense of 
its insertion. The Scotch 
lassies, with all their 
charms, must find hus- 
bands scarce, if any one 
of them can condescend 
to accept such a bar- 
gain as the author of 
this proposal: 

If ATRIMONY. A GENTLEMAN, aged 30, of considerable prospects, 
-L'J- being in temporary want of about 300, is willing to enter into Matrimony 
with a LADY of his own age, who can command the above amount. No objection 
to a Widow. Must bo of a religious turn of mind. Address "Confidence 97," 
Herald Office. 

DK. JOHNSON described a man who had contracted a mercenary 
marriage as a contemptible fellow who had at length obtained the 
certainty of three meals a day. "Confidence 97" is willing to dispose 
of himself for a much meaner consideration. He is to be sold for 
temporary accommodation to the amount of 300. As he does not 
object to a widow, perhaps he would not strongly insist upon parity of 
years. He would probably not refuse to negotiate with any old crone 
who has got the sum that he requires hoarded in her stocking. No 
doubt he is ready to come to terms with any witch who can help him 
to raise the wind. Only he requires that the beldame should be of a 
religious turn of mind ; whereby, of course, he means that she must 
possess the one thing needful. 




A PREJUDICED PROTESTANT. 

A COSTEBMONGER, in a public -house, reading aloud to a Dustman 
the Roman correspondence in the Times, came to the following 
passage : 

" The Archimandrite, who is a venerable old man, then knelt before the Holy 
Father, and kissed his feet." 

' Yah ! " cried the dustman. " The What d' ye call him ? " 

' The Hartchymandrite." replied the costermonger. 

' Humph ! " his comrade grunted. "And 'oo 's the 'oly Father ? " 
The POPE, stupid." 

1 The POPE. Oh ! " said the meditative dustman, " Kissed 
the POPE'S feet. Wot a unpleasant haction ! A Hartchymandrite 
kissed the POPE'S feet. Jest like one. Yer wouldn't expect no better 
of a Hartchymandrite, would yer ? A kissin hof the 'oly Father's feet ; 
in course that 'ere blessed Hartchymandrite be-aved as sitch." 



MAT 4, 1861.] 



IT NCI I, OR TilK LONDON 






REVEREND DOCTOR CCMMING. hey ! 

11 ING, reverend Doctor, ho ! 
Listen what the papers >;i>, 

Tell us, is it true or no f 
If, as serious thousands deem, 

You are an enlightened seer, 
Say if you did ever dream 

What you are about to hear ! 

"I on, who understand the scope 

And int.enf. of prophecy, 
Should his Holiness the POPE 

Be deposed, resign, or die, 
What do you think ? The papal chair 

Is to be transferred from Rome; 
Popedom destines, I declare, 

London for the Pontiffs home. 



THE POPE AT HOME. 

(To the RBV. Da. GUMMING.) 

Thi* is how the story goes : 

WISEMAN will the nr\ 
BOWKEH may salute his toes; 

Well he'll lill the holy See. 
In what oily bulls and b'riefs 

To the faithful he '11 impart 
All the customary griefs 

Rending his paternal heart ! 

Tidings strange are these to hear ; 

They must make you sit on 1 1n. 
England may be don't YOU fear ' 

One of your symbolic horns. 
Shall you not, when Rome's released 

From her present ruler's care, 
Read the " Number of the Beast" 

On a door in Golden Square 



n we see the scarlet I Lime 

i.;? there in pomp aud state, 
Shall we have no ONie to name 

London " Babylon ii; 
Tell the i-o, 

On your sleeve their faith who pin, 
If the Cardinal will then 
Not become the " Man of Sin." 

I Ken I onoe mad, 
To encroach upon ym. 
We should soon, 1 

lu your own prophetic line ; 
But have your v. 
Half so near the mark, as mine ? 



THE USE OF FRANCE AT KOME. 

TUB French occupation of Rome is generally objected to on the 
ground that Catholicism, which it professedly supports, is quite able 
to stand alone. In justice to our pious allies, it must be admitted that 
there is reason for doubting the perfect ability of the Faith to take 
care of itself. Mother Church, if left to her own devices, might lose 
some part of the credit which she derives from the filial protection of 
her Eutet Son. 

The Paris correspondent of the Pott informs us that an Italian gen- 
tleman invited him, a few days since, to meet the devil, whom that 
gentleman had lately brought from Italy. He accepted the invitation ; 
and, he says : 

" On entering the room my attention was directed to a handsome carved and gilt 
nial, on the upper panel of which was painted a head of our Saviour ; the 
lower panel showed a painting of the cross. Tkis piece of church furniture stands 
about six feet high, and appears to belong to the 18th century. It was lately dls- 
covcred at a monaitio establishment near Florence, one which the revolutionary 
events of the hut few months had caused to be invaded by the civil authorities. 
The remarkable feature of the Confessional consists In its internal mechanical con- 
trivances. The priest who may be interrogating a sinner, and pointing to the panel 
representing the Saviour, has only to touch a spring when the screen suddenly falls, 
and a figure representing the devil, the size of a man, falls forward. " 

The devil of the Confessional appears pretty Branch in the same form 
as that wherein he comes for Mr. Punch, in our popular exhibition. 
This is his portrait : 

" A horned brown head, with largo round protruding eyes, rolling fearfully : the 
tongue hanging out of the mouth, aud made to move, a few tufts of negro- like hair, 
intact, a monster. The hands are like the long-nailed claws of atiuaaruiul." 



In the original text of our celebrated tragi-comedy, a stage direction 
describes us as being alarmed, on the apparition of the fiend, by 
"bearing a strange supernatural noise, like the rapid motion of fifty 
spinning-wheels." So, in the case of the Confessional puppet : 

" When the figure appears, a sort of infernal rattling noise comes from the 
internal machinery." 

It. is only fair to admit that a priesthood which plays this kind of 
tricks, urgently requires that attestation of its sanctity and wisdom 
hich can only be afforded by the defensive bayonets and bullets of a 
great and generous nation. 

But this Romish devil is a sham of the sixteenth century. Perhaps 
an unchangeable Church has ceased to play the devil. If so, neverthe- 
less it still plays the saint in such a manner as to need all the counte- 
nance which it cau derive from the tutelary veneration of iutelligent 
France. Witness the subjoined extracts from the official journal of 
Rome: 



out* IMIMI Ul Mi UtUCIEl, IfllrUUUUOUL lilt. 1 

assumes the title of ' Prinia Primaria.' " 




Then follows a description of "this revered 'Icone.'" The sacro- 
sanct doll was originally painted in one of the ambulatories of SAINT 
ERMETE ; was sawn out of the wall under CLEMENT VIII., and 
removed to a museum, whence, in 1761, it was translated to its present 
position over the altar of the Jesuits' oratory, where it stands to be 
worshipped. Yes ; to be actually and absolutely worshipped, not 
merely venerated as a memorial, but specially adored as an image dis- 
tinct from other images. So ofiicial authority itself declares in the 
following courageous assertion : 

" And in evidence of the satisfaction with which the Virgin regarded the worship 
paid tn this her image, she deigned to grant, through its mediation, numberless 



graces and prodigies, lnsomu;h that it WM nolemnlf omirned by BXXBT, Duke of 
York, Cardinal aud Arch-prkst of the VnUoao Basilica." 

The CARDINAL Do KE OF YORK wat not the tlrst of hi* family whose 
faith cost him his crown. Such a faith :' being 

deemed no better than Joss-worship, if it were not upheld, with force 
and arms, at the expense of Italian liberty, by Hi* eiJghteHat French 
people and their clever EMPKMB. 




SCEXE-A QUIET STREET. TIME, 9 P.M. 

M'FuLlMSEY (\vlid has ju.st MKveoU <! in collecting hia thougbU for an , 
hour " Oh, dear, dear, there's tkat dread: 

miny by tnjain 1 Do oblige me, Maria, (y 



Not go Far Out, after All. 

ASKED lately a young lady, "Pray, dear Mr. Punch, as people say 
that you know everything, can you tell me why the modern wal 1 
called the dtu.ctemps?" 

Replied the gentleman, " Well, really, I scarce know if I c&n say; 
unless it is that, as a rule, the music plays in one time and the men 
dance in another." 



182 



PUNCH, OR THE. LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 4, 1861. 




A PAINFUL SUBJECT. 

Old Oent (with tender feet). "Now, BOY, BE VERY CAREFUL!" 
Soy. "On, YES, YOUK HONOUR ! THESE 'EKE KNOBS 'LL TAKE A BEAUTIFUL 
POLISH ! " 



SOMETHING SHOET FOR SNAKE-BITES. 

OUK ideas of the medicinal uses of alcoholic spirit are enlarged by the informa- 
tion, conveyed by M. JULES CLOQUET to the Academy of Sciences, that it is a 
cure for snake-bites. M. CLOQOET received this intelligence from M. DE LA 
GraoNNifcRE in a letter dated 1'rom the Philippine Islands. One of M. DZ LA 
GmoxNiERE's workmen had been bitten in the finger by a very venomous serpent. 
His hand and arm swelled up to the shoulder ; and he appeared to be at, the point 
of death. M. DE LA GIRONNIERE made him drink a whole bottle of vin de coco. 
described as a "very strong spirit." He almost immediately became drunk and 
incapable ; tumbled down, and talked maudlin. The pain, however, ceased, and 
the swelling did not proceed. In half an hour he began to get sober, but his 
suffering returned with his senses ; so M. DE LA GIBOKNIERE extinguished both 
by the exhibition of another bottle of the medicine as before. A third full dose 
completed the cure. He made his patient, in fact, dead drunk three times over, 
and so, by putting him repeatedly to the death of drunkenness, prevented his 
decease : killing him, in a manner, to save his life. Gentlemen of the United King- 
dom Alliance, there was no mistake about the matter. "I had heard," says 
M. DE LA GLRONNIERE, " that alcohol, pushed to the extent of inducing complete 
drunkenness, was a specific against the bite of serpents, and now I have a 
convincing proof of it." 

If, as the teetotallers maintain, alcohol is a poison, the above-quoted case is a 
confirmation of the homceopathic axiom, "Like cures like." Spirit is an antidote 
to serpent's venom, such as, in hydrophobia, is said to be afforded to the nwrbific 
matter by a hair of the dog that bit you. The like, however, cures the like in 
quantities which are far from infinitesimal. Such appears to be the case when 
spirits are taken for the relief of despondency, or any other medicinal purpose. 
The proportions in which grog must be mixed to be administered as a remedy 
for the bites of serpents are not at all those which DR. HAHNEMAKN pre- 
scribes for globules and tinctures, but rather such as were wont to be taken for 
the removal of thirst by MYNHEER VON DUNK. Indeed, VON DUNK, if he had 
had the misfortune to be bitten by a viper, would have been obliged considerably 
to augment the strength of his customary potion ; would have had to heighten it 
much above proof. Mere Cognac would never have sufficed him as it did that 
countryman of his who, being recommended a bottle of brandy for a bad leg, 



drank the brandy and rubbed his leg with the bottle 1 
VON DUNK would have required to get tipsy, which brandy- 
aud-water did not make him ; which most likely he could 
never have been made by brandy of any dilution, or by 
anything of the kind short of absolute alcohol. 

In ordinary cases of snake-bite a cure, perhaps, will be 
obtainable by drinking the milder forms of spirituous liquors 
insufficient quantities. The patient will only have to take 
unlimited goes. There is a certain alcoholic compound 
which is deservedly celebrated for curing the gout, the 
colic, and the phthisic. Who can say that it will not 
also cure the consequences of the envenomed wounds 
inflicted by the cobra, the rattlesnake, and the marsh- 
mocassin ? Let the sufferer try Punch. There is some- 
thing in Punch which is peculiarly antagonistic to . the 
virulence of poisonous reptiles. 



THE VOLUNTEER TO HIS TOOTH-BRUSH. 

I LAY no stress upon my dress, 

No dandy arts are mine : 
A sponge and tub for morning scrub, 

A wash-hands ere I dine : 
Two hair-brushes together plied, 

(I could make shift with one,) 
A rude skin-parting roughly made 

And so my toilette's done. 

And yet, all Spartan as I am, 

A pang my hand doth stay, 
When stern MACMURDO order gives, 

" Your tooth-brush fling away ! " 
I little thought, when in the ranks 

A rifle first 1 bore, 
That when gunpowder's day set in, 

Tooth-powder's day was o'er. 

Defiance in the foeman's teeth 

I am prepared to fling ; 
But leaving my own teeth uncleaned 

Is quite another thing 
By turning Rifle Volunteer 

JOHN BULL his teeth doth show, 
And I should like my ivories 

To be a polished row. 

What if the British Lion draws 

His weapons from their sheath, 
Out of their velvet shows his claws 

Out of their lips his teeth 
Will there be less of terror hid 

In that grim mouth or paws, 
When nail-brush to his feet "s forbid, 

And tooth-brush to his jaws? 

We 're ready when we 're called on, 

To take the field I know. 
And though mere babes in arms, we '11 try 

A brush with any foe. 
But betwixt us and the foemen, 

As fierce the brush will be, 
If we are first allowed a brush 

Betwixt our teeth to see. 

That cleanliness to godliness 

Is nest allied we 're told : 
And though I 'm no DIOGENES 

Still to my tub I hold. 
But tubs and Turkish towelling 

Upon campaign, I know, 
Are luxuries which Volunteers 

Must cheerfully forego. 

With unblack'd boot I'm game to shoot, 

To fight with unbrushed hair, 
But thou, iny tooth-brush I had hoped 

That thee at least they 'd spare. 
In pack or pocket, fob or pouch, 

For thee there 's surely room, 
Whatever Spartan NAPIER preach, 

Or stern MACMUEDO doom ! 



WHITESIDE'S LEGAL OPINION ON GLADSTONE'S BUDGET. 
-" Bad for Surplusage." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MAT 4, 1861. 




OUR CABINET .MAKER. 



ME. Pro-en (OviKSEEE or Woaxs). " WELL, PAM, OF COURSE I SHALL KEEP YOU ON,-BUI YOU MUST 

STICK TO PEACE WORK ! " 



MAT 4, 1861.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



185 



OUR PRIZE CENSUS PAPER. 

(A Letter jutt received from our Laziest Contributor, and wkick only a regard for hit young 
wife and family inducet ut to print.) 

HER POUCH, Under- 
standing that the 
Government intend 
to give a prize of a 
Hundred-guinea Tea 
Service to the father 
of a family who has 
best filled up bis Cen- 
sus Paper, and feeliug 
perfectly persuaded 
that the Tea Service 
is mine, I beg to make 
known to the world 
how I acted in the 
matter, that my ex- 
ample ten years hence 
may lead to like auc- 

thing 







after breakfast on ' 
Monday the 8th ul- 
timo, I called my wife 
and family together 
in my smoking-room, 
which, as I often take 
a nap in it, I some- 
times call my study. Seated in my largest chair, and assuming a majestic Head-of-House- 
hinting deportment, I placed the family Bible imposingly before me, opened at the flyleaf 
which contains the dates of birth. After an amusing little skirmish with my wife, who 
declared that, as I had but little brains to boast of, and very seldom meddled with family 
concerns, I ought by rights to call her the real Head of the Family, 1 chronicled my name, 
condition, sex and age last birthday, only deviating (by accident) one twelvemonth from 
the truth. 'Private Gent and Public Writer' conscientiously described my 'rank or 
occupation,' though my wife thought it might expose her to being charged with bigamy, as 
it appeared to her to indicate a duality of persons. Having however calmed her fears upon 
this head, there next came the puzzling query, 'Where had I been bornP' Having neg- 
lected to apply for my certificate of baptism, I wrote that Meddington in Slopshire in my 
belief was honoured by having been my birthplace ; but